Gakkô no kaidan (2000–2001): Season 1, Episode 19 - The Headless Horsemen!! Curse of Death - full transcript

- [Nancy] So you're telling me

that you haven't even seen the report.

I-I just can't believe this.

I mean, I mean, a woman's fiance is dead.

Dead, Charles.

- [Charles] But they-

- [Nancy] Dead!

Now, I have seen some rampant
incompetence in my days

as a successful litigator, but never,

never have I seen this level of inanity.

(air rushes)



Do you have nothing to say,

nothing to say to that girl's mother?

I'm out of patience,
and I'm all out of time.

(engine whirs)

Goodnight, friend.

Please stay tuned for the
hottest homosexual newscaster

on the planet, my friend, Anderson Cooper.

(tires screech)
(driver screams)

(tires screech)

- What would Nancy Grayce make of this?

(tires screech)

(metal creaks)

(driver yells)

(boards rumble)



(tires screech)

(boards crash)

(driver screams)

(tires screech)

(air rushes)

(tires screech)

(tires screech)

(engine rumbles)

(engine revs)

(ominous music)

(upbeat music)

(ominous music)

(school bells chime)

- [Satsuki] Scarves?

I thought today was ugly,
beige, v-neck sweater day.

- [Momoko] You should think

about wearing a scarf every day, Satsuki.

Your wattle.

- [Hajime] Everyone's wearing them.

Was there a spread in "Elle"?

- [Leo] No, there was not
a fashion spread in "Elle".

No one is wearing these
scarves to look good.

The reason these scarves
are making a comeback

is because of the curse
of the headless rider.

- [Satsuki] Headless rider?

- [Leo] Kind of like the
headless horseman, but not.

No, this guy is a member

of a gay leather Hell's
Angels club, or was.

You see, one day on the way

to their annual homosexual
orgy at Burning Man,

this guy stood up on his bike

and was mooning this
family in a station wagon.

So he was looking at the hot,
jock teenager in the backseat.

This is pre-condom 70's,

and didn't see the low hanging overpass.

Well, needless to say,
when this dude went looking

for head the next time it took
on a whole different meaning.

And every year on the
anniversary of his decapitation

he goes looking for a replacement head.

- It's true what they say.

You've never had a girlfriend have you?

- No, I haven't, but that's not the point.

- This story is %100 true,

because the teenage boy
is the second cousin

of a friend's brother's sister-in-law's

neighbor's third cousin.

- We saw the headless rider

in the premiere episode, remember?

He was about as threatening
as the potty ghost.

Get over it, Leo.

This is the episode where Momoko takes me

to a salon across town so
dykes will quit hitting on me.

- Ep 19.

- [Hajime] No salon in this
town will have you, pug.

- [Momoko] My cousin has quaffed

some of the world's biggest
Christian celebrities,

Kathie Lee Gifford, Patricia Heaton,

and
Mel
closest-to-the-lap-of-our-Lord-Jesus-Christ
Gibson.

(scarf flaps)

- [Leo] Well, neither of
you should be going anywhere

in town without scarves for protection

or you'll be giving head.

- [Momoko And Satsuki] Giving head?

- Not that kind of head you sluts.

You know what I mean!

What I mean is that if you
wear scarves around your neck,

your fashion sense would
protect you from his curse.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-I-M-E-A-N.

Don't, you're gonna die.

- I'm not wearing a scarf,
I'll look like a fag.

- [Leo] What do you care about?

How you look or if you have a head or not?

- I've worn the same shirt
since the show started.

You know the answer to that.

- [Teacher] Hey kids,
deal your drugs later.

I need a hand over here.

- Teacher, Hajime still hasn't worked off

his community service

for taping Joey's butt cheeks together!

- Hey, shut your mouth, Biz-atch!

- If you do I'll suck you
off for a Scooby Snack.

(boinging)

- Oh my God, you'll suck
us off for a Scooby Snack?

- Oh my God, she'll suck
us off for a Scooby Snack.

- Don't know what it is, but I want it!

(boys gasp)

- Keiichirou, she was kidding,
she's not going to do that.

- [Keiichirou] She's not?

- (sighs) I know it was
profane, but thanks.

- [Momoko] Now you have
to go to church with me.

- [Satsuki] Not gonna do it.

(mysterious music)

- What is it?

(ominous music)

Don't do it, it's not high enough.

- Actually, I was thinking
about pushing you.

All right, let's go get me glamorous.

- [Momoko] (laughs) Oh Satsuki,
we're just going to a salon,

not the plastic surgeon.

- Apparently Hadley's
won Teacher of the Year

or some crap like that, so I
get to move the art projects.

Bet they give that skank a raise, too.

God, I hate her.

And yeah, someone chopped off their heads.

If you happen to find 'em, let me know.

Some of these kids have talent,

and I can sell 'em at the
flea market this Sunday.

(footsteps clack)

- So why don't they have heads?

- Scarves don't look bad now, do they?

- What the hell are you doing?

(cloth rips)

Can I please take this off?

- [Leo] Sure, you can take
it off if you want to,

but don't expect me to be
buying you a hat for Hanukkah.

- Oh, like there's a chance in hell

you'd buy anybody anything.

(footsteps clatter)
(ominous music)

What's the matter, are we lost?

- [Leo] That's not it.

(loud crash)

(boys yell)

- What's up with the heads?

- [Leo] Gary Coleman, Michael
Landon, Princess Diana,

and the face transplant lady.

(boys thickly swallow)

(ominous music)

(boys gasp)

(ominous music)

(boys scream)

(flesh squishes)

(body creaks)

(flesh squishes)

He's got eyes in the back of his head.

(drop splashes)

Jesus, Jesus. (gasps)

Oh, it's just the cat.

- [Keiichirou] Hi, Kitty!

- [Hajime] That's disgusting.

- Oh no, how did you get cut up like that?

- Don't get all upset kid.

I made sure so you don't have to pay.

(air rushes)
(cat grunts)

But you should get a look at
the other guy, not pretty.

He's not going to be dancing anytime soon.

- [Keiichirou] Dancing?

- [Cat] Oh, nice Hermes, ladies.

Bea Arthur lookalike contest today?

Well, if you win or lose, I'd
keep those on if I were you.

Good luck!

- Leo's going to win.

(engine revs)

(boys gasp)

(horn honks)

That is the gayest sounding
bike horn I've ever heard.

(boys scream)

- [Keiichirou] Spider!

- [Satsuki] I can't wait to see

what your cousin's going to do to me.

- [Momoko] Oh, you dirty
minded little sinner.

You're in for quite a disappointment.

My cousin is not going to like you.

- [Satsuki] I'm so sick
of you dissing my looks.

He'll like me!

- [Momoko] No, he won't.

- [Satsuki] Yes, he will!

- [Momoko] No, he won't.

- [Satsuki] Yes, he will!

I have a great rack, awesome
legs, and a cute butt.

- [Momoko] Do you have a penis?

- [Satsuki] And a big- What?

- [Momoko] A penis? I
know you're kind of manly,

but I doubt you have
what Maki's looking for.

You see, Maki is a filthy anal pirate

who gives oral pleasure to men.

- So he's gay.

(people clamoring)

- [Momoko] Scarves are
awfully in this year.

- [Satsuki] Yeah.

(engine revs)

(girls gasp)

(engine rumbles)

(ominous music)

(girls gasp)

(engine rumbles)

(girls pant)
(footsteps clatter)

(engine rumbles)

(girls pant)

(engine revs)

- [Maki] Oh my God,
don't you look fabulous,

but I totally see why you called.

She needs help.

(water runs)

- [Momoko] I know, she
has no sense of style.

- [Satsuki] I'm sick of it! I'm pretty!

- Um yeah, Momoko's told me

you couldn't get a man to save your life.

And girl, I can see why.

Mommy wasn't very attractive, was she?

- [Satsuki] Watch it, friend of Dorothy.

- Well, this is going to take
a while, let's get started.

- Remember not to get
your hopes up too high.

I'm gonna go pray for
the homosexual's soul.

- [Satsuki] Suit yourself.

(Satsuki gasps)

- Oh, I know, aren't they just tragic?

Ever since that damn
Felicity Huffman movie,

we can't keep ugly wigs in stock. Gag!

- Rhymes with fag.

(instruments clatter)

- [Leo] Do I have to spell it out for you?

You're gonna die.

(instruments clatter)

(hair flaps)

Do it!

- Oh, what the hell's
wrong with you, bitch?

(ominous music)

- [Hajime] No way.

- [Leo] Yes, a bunch
of other computer nerds

without girlfriends have
this ghost chat room

to monitor supernatural activity.

Kind of pathetic, really.

And as you can see, most
of them are Japanese.

Not a lot of activity since '01.

(door clicks)

- No lights on. Good boy, Leo.

- [Hajime] Could you turn
the heat on, at least?

- [Keiichirou] Mazel tov!

- Oh, just huddle together.

- [Leo] Any closer, and
there'd be insertion.

- I may be a successful doctor,

but first and foremost, I'm a Jew.

- [Leo] Oy vey.

- Maybe, I better lock the thermostat,

since I have to go to the hospital.

- Don't tell me there was an accident?

(tires screech)

- [Leo's Father] Yeah, how'd you know?

Another graduate from the Joaquin Phoenix

Don Rush Driving Academy had an accident.

But this guy,

- Head, head, my head!

(nurse gasps)

He's after my head! (gasps)

- [Nurse] No, (indistinct) is not gay!

- [Patient] I need to hide, if
I don't hide he'll- (screams)

(nurse screams)

- [Leo's Father] If I've
told that nurse once,

I've told her a thousand times.

Around suicidal patients,
plastic knives only.

(ominous music)

- [Leo] You're an optometrist.

What does this have to do with you?

- Not a lot, actually. I'm just nosy.

But it sounds just like
this story from 15 years ago

where another driver said
he saw a headless biker.

(ominous music)

- So, are all gay bikers this persistent?

- But I told this story at
the beginning of the episode,

why are you repeating it?

- Hmm, because before the
poor bastard stabbed themself,

he said he saw the biker
heading towards Jap fag town.

- Isn't that where the queer

is giving Satsuki a much needed makeover?

- What exactly is queer?

(Leo gasps)

- [Maki] What do you wash
your hair with, Ajax?

(clicks tongue) I haven't
seen this many split ends

since Hillary Clinton came in here.

(phone rings)

You're going to have to soak.

(Satsuki groans)

- [Satsuki] I wonder if he's
a top or a bottom? (gasps)

(engine idles)

(wind blows)

(cart rattles)

(lights buzz)

(ominous music)

(air rushes)

(engine idles)

(engine revs)

(light bulbs shatter)

(cart rumbles)

(Satsuki gasps)

(glass tinkles)

(ominous music)

(engine fades)

(Satsuki pants)

(engine revs)

- [Maki] (screams) What'd you do?

- [Momoko] Sorry, she's very clumsy.

- [Maki] (screams) Oh, my product!

- He's-he's after me.

- No, I told you, he's gay.

- I need to hide.

- [Momoko] Your tummy roll?

- I need to hide my head!

(mannequin crashes)

- [Momoko] Satsuki, no!

A little concealer can
help you, I promise.

- [Maki] Get out!

(ominous music)
(Satsuki pants)

- [Momoko] Yes, working out can help you

lose those unwanted pounds!

(Satsuki pants)
(engine whirs)

- [Satsuki] Yield, go, stop, yield,

go, yield, stop, stop, yield. (screams)

(engine revs)

(alarm dings)

(train rushes and clacks)

(barrier arm clicks)

(Satsuki gasps)

(Satsuki whimpers)
(engine whirs)

(engine fades)

(Satsuki gasps)

(dramatic music)

(paper rustles)

(wind blows)

- [Hajime] Satsuki!

(footsteps clatter)

- [Momoko] We're coming!

- Always late.

(group pants)

- [Hajime] Whoo, hope
he didn't charge you,

you're still ugly.

(siren blares)

- Your face makes me cry a lot.

- Hey, where's your scarf?

(gasps) Did you lose your scarf?

- Mm hmm.

- [Hajime] Idiot!

- I don't suppose you'd like
to catch up on your reading.

- Oh, I already tried looking it up

after Leo told us about Headless.

Evil Knievel's not in there.

- Answer the question.

- Gimme that. (groans)

Let's see here, ep 17, ep four. Aha!

Hey, wait. February 28th,
a headless horse ghost

went on a rampage, and I
stood at the waterfront

and held a doll up to the light,

chanted a spell, and put it to sleep.

How does this help?

- [Leo] I have no idea.

So far this episode hasn't made any sense.

I don't see it beginning to now.

- Yes, but where will we find a doll?

- "Your plenty will
supply what they need."

Cornithian something.

(footsteps clatter)

- Thank you, Lord.
Forgive me for stealing.

- Doll, water, and-

- Now all we need is-

(engine revs)

(Hajime gasps)

(engine whirs)

Murdock, you and Hannibal take
the corner of Lex and Fifth.

BA, you and I get the chopper.

- [Satsuki] I pity the fool.

- [Hajime] It's for the jazz.

(engine whirs)

(footsteps clatter)

(engine revs)

(group whimpers)

Wait a minute, I am so lost. Huh?

- Yon hither.

- [Hajime] What?

(ominous music)

Fall out!

- [Satsuki] I pity the fool.

(group gasps and pants)

(ominous music)

- Even if we can't find light,
we still have our scarves.

(wind whistles)

(Hajime groans)

(Keiichirou yells)

- [Leo] Dang!

- [Momoko] Good job.

(ominous music)

(girl screams)

(engine revs)

- Why am I being punished? I'm only four.

- My people are always punished.

Now with the goddamn Hamas,
it's going to get even worse.

- Well you know, probably
shouldn't have killed Jesus.

(engine whirs)

(light tinks)

(Satsuki gasps)

(engine revs)

- Give me the clown, Judy Collins.

- There have to be clowns.

(engine revs)

(footsteps clatter)

(ominous music)

(Satsuki grunts)

(engine rumbles)

(loud clacking)

- Take cover!

- Higher, so I can see your panties!

- I'm trying to save your
life, you dickless halfwit.

Quit looking at my Hanes!

Take the clown, Evil! Take the clown!

(engine whirs)

(ominous music)

If you want head so bad, you
Harley Davidson dickhead,

put it into high gear and take it!

Take it, oh yeah!

Take it, come on, baby.

I'll give you head if you
want head. Oh, yeah. (moans)

Take it, take it, take it.

(board rumbles)

(Satsuki screams)

(board crashes)

(doll head clatters)

(Satsuki pants)

(Hajime groans)

- [Hajime] Oh yeah. Oh God. Oh.

- [Momoko] Lord have mercy,
get off her, you're sick.

(footsteps clatter)

(chime rings)

(wind blows)

(group pants)

- [Satsuki] Don't call me.

(wind blows)

(ominous music)

(Hajime and Satsuki gasp)

(doll head crunches and cracks)

- [Group] Huh?

(engine whirs)

(ghost laughs)

(wind blows)

(doll head clatters)

(waters splashes and bubbles)

What?

(water bubbles)

(wind blows)

(scarves flap)

- A boomerang wind gust.

(scarves flap)

- [Momoko] The Lord has saved
us through Satsuki once again.

- She never really lets
you take the credit.

- [Cat] I wouldn't buy
the La-Z-Boy just yet.

Might want to keep on your
guard a little longer.

- [Keiichirou] Kitty!

- [Satsuki] Don't talk to him.

- Go away.

- Hey, can you guys hear anything?

- You know what I hear?

I hear the sound of you
shutting the fuck up.

- Let's see, seven.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

(board creaking)

(Satsuki and Hajime gasp)

(group screams)

(board scrapes)

(board crashes)

(water splashes)

That was a close one.

- I'm just asking, can you read?

I know it's not on Oprah's book club,

but it is required reading.

- Subtitles, please.

- Ghosts extremely are headless spirits

drawn cautious must so be
you after put even sleep.

It will capture little
power trying itself-

(cat groans)

Try and crawl, that's
yeah it, sleep while it

emitting resurrect capture.

Well, of course.

(board crashes)

- Wait, wait, say what?

(water roils)

- No idea what's going on,
but we better get our scarves.

(group clamors)

(water roils)

(engine revs)

(water rushes)

(engine growls)

(ominous music)

(engine rumbles)

(engine revs)

(ominous music)

- [Leo] Oh, God.

- [Hajime] That was so stupid.

- [Leo] It made no sense.

- [Satsuki] We could've
all just worn turtlenecks.

What? The ghost would've left us alone.

(engine revs)

[Keiichirou] Good job, Japan.

(engine revs)

(upbeat music)

(melancholy music)