Futurama (1999–2013): Season 6, Episode 22 - Fry Am the Egg Man - full transcript

♪ Two... two, three... ♪
(Gasping)
Run, Leela!
They're bouncing right at us.
(Angry yelling)
So, anybody hungry?
I could stuff myself.
I'll use that free app
that tells what restaurants you're near.
You mean the window?
Yes.
(Horn honking)
I am lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!
I demand extra dipping sauce!
How many?
I don't know. Two?
(Tires squealing)
(Static) Welcome to Fishy Joe's.
Today is Stroganoff Thursday.
We are currently out of the following menu items.
Robotic voice: Stroganoff.
(Static) May I take your order?
I'll have the Stroganoff.
Okay.
Yeah, uh, give me
the fried spaghetti-dinner breakfast pocket for lunch,
and a big bucket of mixed sodas.
One kids' meal. Got it.
Leela: Huh. Buggalo tots?
What exactly are those made out of?
You got a warrant?
I'll just have something
from the lite menu.
How about the gardener-lover's salad?
What kind of cheese filling you want in that?
Ugh! Just give me the fruit cup.
Okeydoke.
What kind of cheese filling you want in that?
Oh, God.
Fruit is spelled f-r-o-o-t.
with a little fast food once or twice a meal.
(Gasping and groaning)
Heart... at-tack.
(Gulping, gasps)
I'm fine.
(Cracking)
Oh! I got a bone in my fruit!
That's it.
From now on, we're not eating anything
unless we know what it is and where it's from.
We're going to the local farmers market.
Aw, mom, do we have to?
(Lively crowd chatter)
(Zucchini clucking)
This is what I'm talking about.
See all the dirt and earwigs?
That's the sign of healthy food.
You think that's healthy, try this.
I found it growing at the bottom of my hamper.
Mmm, so fresh and musty.
It's what I do.
Hello, tiny man.
You want sample small-batch Amazonian maple syrup?
Sure.
(Coughing)
Mm. Ah!
That's the kind of sap I like.
You the kind of sap I like.
I'm scare-roused.
(Gasps)
Zuban tobacco?!
The richest, most obnoxious kind!
Listen, pal, I'm looking for a versatile smoke,
one that's equally good in a crowded elevator
or an audience with the pope.
Forget the pope, my friend.
Smoke one of these,
and God himself will ask to be seated far away from you.
Ooh!
Heirloom eggs?
That's so life-affirming.
I'll bet you run your own hatchery,
just you and your wife... Matilda.
No, ma'am. Matilda and I gather them eggs in the forest.
And Matilda's really more of a mongoose than a wife.
You're a lucky man.
But are they way more expensive than regular eggs?
Way more.
Ooh! I'll take a dozen.
(Yawning)
What?
You're not my breakfast friends.
What are you doing here?
Leela blackmailed us all into eating healthy, organic food.
Blackmail? What does she have on you?
As long as we eat her filthy scrambled eggs,
you'll never find out.
They're not filthy.
They're wholesome, fertile and fresh from the forest floor.
There's some filth.
"Fertile"? What does that mean?
It means it will hatch into a tiny, little,
infant creature unless we cook it first.
Hey, Leela, hurry up with those scrambled infants.
What?! That's horrifying!
Zoidberg, you're an inhuman monster.
What are you, my driver's license?
Eating a sweet innocent chick before it's even hatched?
Oh, no, you won'tn't!
I refuse to eat an unborn animal.
I'm going to keep this egg safe and warm and secure
until it hatches out into the world.
And then I'm going to eat it.
♪ ♪
Should we turn on the TV?
Nah.
(Coughing)
Bender, do you mind? I'm roosting.
I'm considering buying a yacht to house my thoroughbreds.
How do you expect me to do that without smoking a cigar?
Think of the unborn embryo.
That's what I'm gonna call the yacht.
(Fry clucks, Bender whimpers)
Hey!
Leggo my eggo, crabbo!
Stop it, Fry. That's sexual harassment.
Yeah, come down off your round, white pulpit.
You're just going to eat that thing anyway.
I was, but you can't sit on something
for a week without falling in love with it.
Whoever's in here deserves a chance at life.
A chance to blossom into a beautiful young man,
like I did as a baby.
And so I make this solemn vow.
To do everything I can to make sure
this wonderful, innocent creature
enters this world happy, healthy, and...
All yours, Zoidberg.
(Hissing)
(All gasping)
Aw, look at the cute little...
Aah!
I was gonna go yachting in those feet!
Relax, you babies.
It's no different from stomping a puppy.
(Leela grunting)
Everyone, stop! He's not going to hurt you.
I'm standing in a pool of my own feet.
Bender's right. Kill it before someone names it!
No! Mr. Peppy just wants to be our friend.
Oy. Look, I know he's ugly, and kind of corrosive,
but we can't murder someone
just 'cause he's hideous and annoying.
That's what we said about Zoidberg,
and look where that got us.
Amy has a point.
Mr. Peppy's not like Zoidberg.
He's my friend.
Aw...
♪ ♪
(Liquid trickling)
(Dog yelps)
♪ ♪
(Moaning)
Where to, adulterers?
(Gasps) (Rapid beeping)
Calculon?! Then it wasn't your body
they found in the harbor after the bomb went off.
What bomb?
(Explosion, clinking)
It takes more than that to surprise me... Bender.
(Gasps)
(Laughs)
What you doing, little buddy?
Uh, yeah, Uncle Bender-- he's your friend.
(Growling)
(High-pitched whimpering)
Huh?
Oh, you want to play fetch.
Come on, boy, get the ball.
(Laughs)
Dumb jerk.
Come on, get the ball.
(Electrical pop, yelling)
(Yelling, electrical hissing and popping)
(All gasping)
Sweet freak of Mozambique, that thing's colossal!
It's gonna kill us all.
It's so huge.
How big does one of those things get?
Well, that depends on what one of those things is.
That seems like a fact worth knowing.
Good startling news, everyone.
I found a description of the creature
in this medieval monster manual.
Just as I feared.
Attack-type J.
No! No!
Yes! It kills its prey by sucking out the skeleton,
leaving nothing but a puddle of flesh.
All: Ew!
Hence, the Latin name Bonus Vampirus,
or as you non-catholics would say, the Bone Vampire.
Dios mio.
That's ridiculous!
Mr. Peppy doesn't eat bones.
I raised him on a simple diet of brussels sprouts and mixed soda.
(Panting, gagging)
At least there's only one of them.
The good news is, they can't start breeding.
The bad news, everyone, is, the beast reproduces asexually.
A single bone vampire, left alone with some quiet music
and some bone vampire porn,
could produce dozens of deadly offspring.
That lucky bastard.
I say kill it!
But it loves me, and I love it!
Kill them both!
Killing them seems like a hassle.
Can't we just set it free to live with its own kind?
(Clicks tongue) Poor, ignorant Leela.
The bone vampire is now extinct on its home planet.
(Gasps) That's perfect.
We can reintroduce it to the wild and repopulate the species.
Yeah, let's do those Leela things.
(Shouts)
Well, buddy, how do you like your new home?
(Hissing)
See, he's happy already.
That thing doesn't have emotions, Fry.
Its brain is the size of a walnut.
So are walnuts, and they're delicious.
I'll miss you, Mr. Peppy, but you'll be happier here.
(Voice breaking): So go on, go.
G-good-bye, Mr. Peppy.
Come on, man, don't do this.
Go on now.
I mean it, don't make this any harder than it has to be.
It's time to let go.
Ow!
Thanks, Leela, he just needed a little extra push.
Come on, Fry, let's go home and (Beeping)
Hold up, there's alcohol around here somewhere.
My tanqueraydar is going crazy.
(Beeping rapidly) Aha!
Thought you could get away from me, huh?
You lose again, you stupid intoxicant.
(Crickets chirping)
(Indistinct chatter and laughter)
♪ ♪
We're not from around here.
Hello.
Airwhilka maur fleegle bingo drooper snrk!
Excuse me, but we're guests on your planet.
Speak English!
Man: Behave yourselves, gents.
Offworlders best be welcome here,
especially if we're trying to get the Olympics.
(All grumbling)
May I buy you a drink?
We don't get a lot of pretty faces around here.
(Giggles) Uh, sure, but I'm driving.
I'll just have the smallest whiskey you've got.
A small aquarium of whiskey for the busty lass.
Thanks. I suppose I should know your name
if I'm going to be drinking
ten gallons of alcohol with you.
Maczongo.
Angus Maczongo.
Major Angus Maczongo.
Handsome Major Angus Maczongo, Esquire.
Ooh, handsome and Esquire.
I'm Turanga Leela.
My crew and I are from Earth.
So what brings you folks here to Doohan 6?
We just released an endangered animal back into the wild--
a bone vampire.
(Thunder cracks)
No need to thank us.
Your shocked stares of gratitude say it all.
Dear God, you brought back the bone vampire?!
The damned things wreaked bloody havoc
on our livestock for centuries.
Aye, until Maczongo here shot 'em all
into extinction, he did.
Now we've got more livestock than we can slaughter.
Oh, aye, 'tis a Bonnie time to be an ignorant villager.
We kinna have no murdering bone vampires back here.
Kill it afore it puts a bun in its own oven
and repopulates the bleeding planet.
No! Angus is right.
I thought you were named Angus.
We're all named Angus.
Please, Mr. Peppy won't attack your livestock.
He's a vegetarian, and he's not even preachy about it.
Poppycock.
Once he gets the smell of bones, there'll be no stopping him.
Tonight, Mr. Peppy must die.
Angus, wait, my strictly platonic friend is right.
At least wait a few days before you decide to kill it.
The last time I hesitated,
a bone vampire snicked out me left shin.
(Sloshing)
Please, just a few days.
Well, 'twould give us a chance
to get to know each other.
The beast lives... for now.
Thank you, Angus.
All: You're welcome!
(Yawns)
I don't trust that Maczongo.
Maybe I should go keep an eye on Mr. Peppy.
Don't worry about Maczongo.
He and I are having brunch tomorrow.
I'm thinking of wearing this.
It's nice, but there's still something
I don't like about that guy.
My dad always said you could tell a lot about a man
by the rigidity of his shins.
(All snoring)
(Man screams)
(All gasp) What is it?
(Gasps)
Lang a muir a Gryffindor- Slytherin hufflepuff!
It killed little Angus!
They're all dead, and their bones are gone.
This was no accident.
Still think your Mr. Peppy is harmless, Fry?
He wouldn't do this in our sleep.
He would not, could not to a sheep.
The deal is off.
The beast must die.
(Gun cocks)
Ooh, pimpy.
(Music playing, indistinct chatter)
What are we supposed to do,
just sit here and wait for Mr. Peppy to be killed?
Sounds like a plan.
Guess I'll pass the time by lighting up an El Jerko.
(Chirps)
(Coughs) Okay, that's it.
I need some air.
(Rustling) Who's there?
Hermes, is this one of your zany practical jokes?
(Screams)
Leela, are you okay?
Did you drink too many aquaria?
Look, the bone vampire.
(Groans)
Mr. Peppy attacked me.
Quick, count my bones.
There should be 205.
(Gasps)
Okay, that's better.
Keep 'em coming.
I'm sorry, Fry,
but no vegetarian could have done this.
I know, and as much as I love Mr. Peppy, I love Leela more.
He has to be... (Sniffs) ... Put down.
Aw, don't feel bad.
Major Maczongo is an experienced hunter.
He'll blow Mr. Peppy's head off as painlessly as possible.
No, not Maczongo.
If anyone is going to kill Mr. Peppy, it should be me.
Fry, I know you're upset right now,
but I hope you'll consider donating
the body to science dinner.
(Slurping)
Fry: Here, Mr. Peppy.
Mmm, lovely bones.
We've been walking for hours.
I hope we can find our way back.
Don't worry, I left a trail of bread crumbs.
And I left a trail of cigars.
You don't have to do this, Fry.
Mr. Peppy just gave me a little love concussion.
Thanks, Leela, but I have no choice.
I can't let my monstrous deboner get anywhere near you.
There it is!
Well, this is it.
You guys wait here. (Sniffs)
This is going to kill him more than it does me.
Good-bye, boy.
I'll think of you whenever I sit on something round.
(Sniffs)
(High-pitched yelp)
What's happening? Did you kill it?
Maczongo: The bloody idiot bloody shot me.
I'm all bloody bloody!
(All gasp)
Mr. Peppy,
bullets make you talk?
That's not Mr. Peppy.
(Amy gasps)
Jinkies, he Scooby-Dooed us.
Why, Major Maczongo, why?
Oh, it's been 30 years since last I killed a bone vampire.
The villagers dinna idolize me like they used to.
You seemed pretty popular at the pub.
I work there as a greeter.
Your beast was my chance to be a hero again,
but the damn thing was a vegetarian,
so I slaughtered the sheep myself.
But why did you attack me?
So I could impress you
by seeking revenge on the creature.
Us greeters don't get a lot of action.
On paper it seemed like a win-win situation.
Do you realize what this means, Fry?
Your pet's not dangerous after all.
I told you Mr. Peppy's a lover, not a fighter,
like Dwayne "The Rock" "The Tooth Fairy" Johnson.
(All cheering)
(Slurping)
Hey, what's that bone-sucking sound?
Fry: It's Mr. Peppy.
I'd know him anywhere.
Huh, so apparently Major Maczongo
and Mr. Peppy were each doing about half the sheep-killing.
(Panting)
Why, Mr. Peppy, why?
Ooh, that tickles.
(Giggles)
(Cries)
Now I really do have to kill you.
Wait,
don't shoot.
The beast is a godsend.
Like I said, we've more livestock
than we can slaughter,
but thanks to this ravenous bogle,
that's nae more a problem.
Angus is right.
The cursed thing even debones 'em,
which is perfect for today's fast-paced, lazy consumer.
Dersu uzala yojimbo, rashomon!
The beast must live!
You know what the best part is?
From now on, whenever we're eating
fresh, organic space-meat,
we'll know exactly where it comes from.
Fry: One bucket of
double-fried, triple-salted, boneless sheep tots, please.
What kind of cheese filling you want in that?
All kinds.
Eh, make it two,
and a small whiskey. Large.