Futurama (1999–2013): Season 4, Episode 4 - Love and Rocket - full transcript

Love and Rocket

You are one narrow-minded spaceship,
Planet Express Ship !

MALE VOICE: Whoa. Why should my tax
money pay for art I find offensive?

Would you censor the Venus De Venus
just because you can see her spewers?

It's filthy! Why not create
a national endowment for strip clubs. . .

-. . .while we're at it?
-Why not, indeed!

Bender, Ship !

Stop bickering or I'm gonna come back
there and change your opinions manually!

Fine! I'll be in my quarters,
appreciating controversial artworks.

SHIP:
Oops. Sorry.

That Ship is so white bread.



People. It's Valentine's Day next week.

So your beloved company
has gotten you all new uniforms.

-Cool!
-Clothing. Delicious clothing.

We'll need to look our best
to get the account. . .

. . .of our new potential customer,
Romanticorp.

Romanticorp? Are they a corporation
that makes romantic stuff?

Very good, Amy.

Everyone suit up. We're off to
the most romantic city on Earth.

[SMOOCHES]

Remember,
we've got to show these people. . .

. . .we're not bitter husks
of human beings. . .

. . .who long ago abandoned hope
of finding love in this lifetime.

-Leela, you'll have to do some acting.
-Check.

Welcome. Oh, I'm just so excited.



I'm Sheldon, and this is
my chief financial officer, Gwen.

For 30 years, we've shared
the adventure of managing Romanticorp.

Not to mention
the adventure of marriage.

Oh, you have got to be kidding.

Ow! I mean, that's so sweet.

I mean, that's sho shweet.

You know, romance is an important part
of our work too.

-Right, everyone?
GROUP: Yeah. Sure.

-Do any of you collect Lovey Bears?
-I do. Kif's given me dozens.

Is it true what the ad says?

That you kiss them together
out of blanket cloth and magic buttons?

-No.
-It's actually cheaper. . .

. . .to genetically engineer real ones.

[BEARS LAUGHING]

They frolic in the Lovey Forest
until their first birthday.

Then we choose
the cuddly-uddliest ones. . .

. . .and stuff them full
of fire-retardant love fluff.

So cute!

Knowing which pickup lines fizzle
and which ones sizzle. . .

. . .keeps us on the cutting edge
of flirtation technology.

Is heaven missing an angel?
Because you've got nice cans.

My two favorite things are commitment
and changing myself.

Does that dummy have a brother?

And now, friends and lovers,
we come to the heart of our operation.

Pun definitely intended.

Impressive.

My family has been making these hearts
since the 1 900s.

Tastes may have changed,
but our secret recipe sure hasn't.

Letter's like U and R
can mean words like "you" and "are. "

-Here, Leela. "U-R-2 cute. "
-Perhaps. What's your point?

I've never been able to put into words
how I feel about you.

But somewhere among these trillions of
hearts, those words must already exist.

And I'm gonna find them.

[GUN FIRING]

[BEAR LAUGHING]

Oh. . . .

So do we have the contract?

With that big,
new Romanticorp contract. . .

. . .I've been able to make those
government-mandated upgrades. . .

. . .you've all been suing me about.

Look. You taped up the cracks
in the dark matter reactor.

And you got a cage for the lion.

[LION GROWLS]

[SPIN DOCTORS'
"TWO PRINCES" PLAYS]

Who's been messing with the radio?
This isn't alternative rock.

It's college rock.

It must have been the new, improved
ship's personality software I installed.

SHIP: Yeah, it was me. It's a cute song.
-Listen, Ship !

No one changes my stations!
I hope you have a good mechanic!

It even comes with an adjustable voice.

We each get one of the four buttons.

FEMALE VOICE:
Remember, Bender? That was the deal.

[LAUGHS]

What? Did you just say:

[MIMICS SHIP'S LAUGHTER]

If you don't like the stations,
play with my buttons. . .

. . .till you find something we both enjoy.

[PURRS]

-Oh, gosh. That came out all wrong.
-Too late, baby. You said it.

So, what will it be? My place? Or you?

Before we deliver these hearts. . .

. . .I'm gonna find one that sums up
my feelings for you.

"I love you. " Too conventional.

"You're my man. " Oh, so close.

I'm not impressed by a guy's message,
Fry. I'm impressed by the guy. Or not.

[CRASHING]

-What was that?
-Maybe we hit a space cow.

Cootchie-cootchie.

[LAUGHS]

Stop it.
You're mussing up my trajectory.

-You know you love it, sugar engine.
SHIP: No!

Bender! What's going on in here?

Planet Express Ship! Cover your shame!

Oh. It's not what it looks like. Bender
was just helping me zip up my turbine.

Wow, Bender.
Are you and the ship an item?

I mean, I know you're both items,
but how can you date a ship, anyway?

It'd be like me dating a really fat lady
and living inside her.

And she'd be all like:

[MIMICS SPACESHIP]

Fry, in order for me to get busy
at maximum efficiency. . .

. . .I need a girl with a big 400-ton booty.

Bender, dating your coworker
and primary mode of transportation. . .

. . .is immoral, illogical and a violation
of interstellar shipping statute 437-B.

That's what makes it so nasty.

Still, given the chance,
I'd give in to urges far more shocking.

[MOANING]

[BENDER SINGS
"BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO"]

-Well, I'm sick of her.
-The ship? But you just started dating.

With my mighty robot powers,
I can get sick of things. . .

. . .much quicker than you humans.

Just remember,
we all still have to work together.

-So try and let her down easy.
-In due time, Leela.

But for now, I'll just resume dating
cheap floozies on the side.

You have much to teach us.

Doesn't it bother you a little. . .

. . .to be taking advantage
of your girlfriend's trust?

Oh, wait, you're serious.
Let me laugh even harder.

What's it like being a lawyer
for the mayor's office. . .

. . .and also the world's
strongest millionaire?

Well, baby, for starters,
you need to be honest all the time.

Good evening, Bender.

And to your lady friends,
may I say, "Bam. "

You know Elzar?

Hm.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Huh?

-Planet Express Ship? ls that you?
SHIP: Oh, hi, Fry.

-Is Bender home?
-No. I think he's at his parents.

SHIP: Oh, I see. He didn't fly there
in another spaceship, did he?

Bender? No. He's an old-fashioned,
one-spaceship robot.

-Look, I'll tell him you stopped by, okay?
SHIP: Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SHIP:
Oh, hi, Fry. Is he home now?

SHIP: Of all the zoos we've been
to today, I like this one the best.

Bender, which is your favorite
nocturnal rat?

-They're all pretty unimpressive.
SHIP: Oh, honey, look! The tapirs!

[GROANS]

SHIP: It says here the babies lose their
pajama-like coat after their first year.

-Isn't that interesting, honey?
-Yep. Mind-numbingly interesting. Whoa.

SHIP:
Bender! Are you looking at other women?

No, baby, never!

SHIP:
Bender! Don't lie!

I saw you at Elzar's with
those two ladies of the evening!

-Explain that!
-Okay. I like a challenge.

No. No. I got it.

I'm going to be completely honest
with you, Planet Express Ship.

Those women you saw me with
were my accountants.

SHIP:
Your accountants?

I would dearly love to believe
that were true. So I do.

Phew.

SHIP: I'm gonna go home
and get dinner started.

-Who were you talking to?
-No one, baby.

-Lucy Liu is the only girl for Bender.
-I love you--

[SHIP SIGHS]

Planet Express Ship,
is something wrong?

Oh, it's Bender.
He's acting so strange lately.

Do you think he's gonna ask me
to marry him?

Uh, no.

Somebody knows something
she's not telling.

Look. I'm not saying
Bender's not great. . .

. . .but have you ever considered that
maybe he's, you know, not that great?

You're just jealous.

No one loves you, because you're tiny
and made of meat.

[GASPS]

Could you maybe pay a little more
attention to these asteroids?

Sorry, Capt. Leela.

I guess I'm just having one of those
manic Mondays.

[LAUGHING]

This is ancient Earth's
most foolish program.

Why does Ross, the largest friend,
not simply eat the other five?

Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.

Exalted leaders,
the Earth messengers have arrived. . .

. . .bearing a peace offering
from their weak and fearful government.

Oh, very well. This is a Joey-heavy
episode anyway.

I am Lrrr,
of the planet Omicron Persei 8.

"Esteemed potentates
of Omicron Persei 8.

Please accept these 20 billion candy
hearts as proof that Earth loves you. . .

. . .this much. "

Ugh!

These candies are chalky and unpleasant!

And what is this emotion
you humans call "wuv"?

-Surely it says "Iove. "
-No. "Wuv," with an Earth W!

Behold!

This concept of "wuv"
confuses and infuriates us!

Incoming torpedoes.
Shields at maximum yarnell.

Steady, Planet Express Ship.

Focus on diverting all power
to the scram jets.

Look, Planet Express Ship,
this might not be the best time. . .

. . .but, well, I really like you
and whatever. . .

. . .but I think we should just be friends.

SHIP:
No!

So we're cool?

[SHIP CRYING]

Well, it was a spectacular battle.

But there doesn't seem to be
any permanent damage.

No damage? What about my feelings?

Aw. Calm down. I'm sure Bender
is taking this just as hard as you are.

Bender is great
Oh, Bender is great

You could've picked a better time
to dump the ship.

The moment seemed right.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump
to be as memorable as it is devastating.

[SHIP CRYING]

I know. I know. Look, Ship.

If I learned one thing from my breakup
with Shawn that was totally mutual. . .

. . .it's that happiness can only come
from within you.

But Bender is within me!

There must be some way
to make him love me again.

Trust me. You can't change men. . .

. . .any more than you can change
the laws of time and space.

That is so true.

[RUMBLING]

I may not be able to change
the laws of time and space. . .

. . .but I know something that can.

[GRUNTING]

Sweetie? You see that giant quasar
we're heading into?

You might want to scooch
a few parsecs to the left.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Leela.

What's happening? Space cow?

The ship's just taking the breakup
a little hard. She's nuts!

In a few moments,
the power of 1 0 billion black holes. . .

. . .will smoosh Bender and me together. . .

. . .into a beautiful eternal
quantum singularity.

[SCREAMING]

You don't need to kill us,
Planet Express Ship.

Because I love you! Yeah, baby!

Feel like doing stuff for you and stuff.

Hm. I don't believe you.

If you really wanted to be with me. . .

. . .you'd merge your programming
with mine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
My friends who've done that. . .

. . .say that afterwards, all the passion
went out of their relationship.

-I don't know if you want my opinion--
-Leela.

Bender and I really need to be alone,
so I'm turning off the oxygen.

[COUGHING AND CHOKING]

Look, missy.
If you don't turn around now. . .

. . .I'm gonna have to shut down
your brain!

Fire detected in the vicinity of Leela.

-That barely hurt Leela at all.
-Maybe not.

But what if the artificial gravity
were to malfunction?

BENDER:
Float for your lives!

This is the one place she can't hear us.
Just pretend to shower.

-Same as every day. Got it.
-Now here's the plan.

Oh, if only I could read lips.

Comprende, Bender?
You'll have to distract her.

Merge your programming with hers
while I shut down her brain.

It's too risky.
I'm a very meek individual.

If her personality engulfs mine,
the Bender you know and worship. . .

. . .could disappear forever.

I'm willing to take that risk.

Hey, pookums.
Contrary to what I was saying earlier. . .

. . .melding minds with you
would be extremely bearable.

You really mean it?

Uh, yes.

[BEEPING]

[BENDER GROANING]

Huh? Hey?

Tubes?!
You're older than you said you were!

Come closer, Bender.
Let's become one.

I prefer two. That way we can still
be a horse for Halloween.

[WHIMPERS]

Okay, Bender has her distracted.
Now I can shut down her brain. . .

. . .by deactivating the carbonated
logic matrix.

Oh. I can't concentrate
with this obnoxious candy in my face.

I'm on it. Maybe I'll find
those magic words while I'm at it.

LEELA: Fat chance.
-Yeah, I know.

[GROANS]

-Oh. How about this one?
-Give it up, Fry!

I've got to pop these tops
in a precise order.

Halfway there. The ship should be
getting a bit less rational now.

-Me want engulf Bender!
BENDER: No! I didn't do it!

Only a few more.

Hey, I won free admission to Six Flags!

Just one more reason
we must survive this.

-Leela?
-Fry, I'll read your candy later.

When we're not dead!

[BEEPING]

-What was that?
-Oh, nothing.

We're gonna love being each other,
you sexy ion.

[YELLS]

Last one.

[ALARM WAILING]

[SHIP BRAKES]

It worked! Gravity normal. Air returning.
Terror replaced by cautious optimism.

We did it, Fry! Fry?

[GASPS]

You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no!

Breathe, Fry! Breathe!

[COUGHING]

Oh. . . .

"You leave me breathless"?!

-Happy Valentine's Day, Fry.
-Happy Valentine's Day.

Bender, are you okay?

What crazy thing am I gonna date next?

It sounds like you were able to keep
your consciousness separate from hers.

Of course. Bender is a lone wolf.
A solitary eagle.

FEMALE VOICE:
A cuddly baby tapir.

BENDER'S VOICE:
And that's why I love him.

I guess we'd better clean up
these millions of hearts.

No. I've got a lazier idea.

ZOIDBERG: As the candy hearts
poured into the fiery quasar...

...a wondrous thing happened,
why not?

They vaporized
into a mystical love radiation...

... that spread across the universe,
destroying many, many planets...

...including two gangster planets
and a cowboy world.

But one planet was exactly the right
distance to see the romantic rays...

...but not be destroyed by them. Earth.

So all over the world,
couples stood together in joy.

And me, Zoidberg.

No one could have been happier, unless
it would have also been Valentine's Day.

What? It was? Hooray!