Futurama (1999–2013): Season 4, Episode 2 - A Tale of Two Santas - full transcript
When Fry, Leela and Bender make a delivery to Neptune, they run afoul of the robot Santa Claus. Bender takes his place, but the previous Santa's fearsome reputation makes his job difficult.
Tale of Two Santas
In true winter tradition, members
of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club...
...today took the plunge
into a river of liquid ammonia.
- There were no survivors.
- It takes all kinds.
Now, with his annual message, here's
the head of the Xmas Safety Council:
- The head of Walter Cronkite.
- Season's warnings.
This guy's too trustworthy.
What's his angle?
In all the tinsel and terror
of the holiday season...
...we underestimate that murderous
brute known as Santa Claus.
With images of last year's Gingerbread
Massacre baked into our memories...
...I remind you to bolt your doors,
say goodbye to your pets...
...and lock your children
in the closet.
This is Walter Cronkite saying,
"I told you so."
Sacred boar of Western Samoa!
We must secure for Santa's arrival!
Fine. I'm getting tired
of this wood show.
Cover that fireplace!
I've only a few years to live.
I don't want to spend them dead.
- We're pushing as hard as we can.
- Oh! Pushing.
We're doomed.
Every year we're doomed.
Thanks be I had these
bulletproof shutters installed.
[SCREAMS]
Bring it on, Santa. That vicious
cadaver-junkie can't touch us...
...as long as we're not stupid enough
to leave this building.
In a related matter,
you'll deliver this sack of letters...
...directly to Santa
at his death fortress on Neptune.
These letters are real butt-nutters.
Listen to this. "Dear Santa..."
GIRL: Please, please don't bring me
any gifts.
The bicycle you fiired at me last year
from your bike gun tore up my insides.
Awful! Let's read some more.
"Dear Santa..."
BOY: Please bring me a coffiin for Grandpa.
You choked him with a chestnut last
year, and he's beginning to smell.
In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring
people together, not blow them apart.
Sure, but who's gonna do anything
about it? Not us. No, sir.
Yes, us. We've got to bring back
the kind of Xmas I remember.
Fry's right. It's time
to sit on Santa's lap, and hard!
[MACHINE GUN FIRES]
[DOGS BARKING ]
Look, a cute little welcoming party.
- Want to buy a tiny kidney?
- I'll let you punch me for a buck.
Look, we've got mail for Santa.
Are you his elves?
- No, we're Neptunians.
- We're tiny because he won't feed us.
You hit me. You owe me a dollar.
[GROWLING ]
[GLASS BREAKING ]
Got any food? Old tea bags,
chewed gum, apple cores?
- We're starving here!
- You live in a gingerbread house.
- It's food or shelter, not both.
- Don't you get paid for making toys?
- Who said toys?
NEPTUNIANS: Toys?
False alarm, folks.
There's no toys made.
Santa says everyone is naughty.
That's it! I'm delivering my boot
up Santa's chimney.
- Where is he?
- There, in his ice fortress.
We'll need help getting in.
Any volunteers?
- I'll help you.
- Oh, phooey!
[DOGS BARK "JINGLE BELLS"]
- An omen?
- Dinner.
[SANTA LAUGHS]
Let's see who's been naughty
and who's been naughty.
[MOANING ]
Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper
for protection money.
Very naughty.
Shopkeepers not paying protection
money. Exactly as naughty.
I saw that!
[WHEELS SQUEAKING ]
- Huh?
- We brought your mail.
Don't you ever knock?
Who knows what naughty things
I could be watching?
- I get New Orleans on this thing.
- Don't kill us!
Santa's a robot. We should be able
to destroy him with a logical paradox.
Bender, you better cover your ears.
Holy night! Intruders!
Hold it, Santa.
[HUMS]
Consider this: You are programmed
to destroy the naughty.
But many of those you destroy
are in fact nice.
I submit that you are naughty. So,
logically, you must destroy yourself.
[BUZZING ]
- Yay!
- Yay!
Nice try, but my head was built with
paradox-absorbing crumple zones.
[SCREAMING ]
[LASER FIRES]
[BEEPS]
Wait! This is what we're running from.
Faster! Faster!
[YELLING ]
[ENGINE ROARS]
- Why aren't we moving?
- I don't know.
Usually when I do stuff like this
the ship moves.
Ho, ho... Huh?
[GRUNTS]
- He's trapped.
- Hooray!
- Now we can make toys again!
- Toys! Toys! Toys!
And I can deliver them.
Billions and billions in one night.
- No human could do all that.
- Evel Knievel could.
- Nuh-uh.
- Santa's right.
We need some sort of robot.
Crap! I'm some sort of robot.
NEPTUNIANS:
Hooray!
Hooray!
Hooray!
Bender can't be Santa. He wasn't
built to Yuletide specifications.
I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse
either, but that didn't stop me.
- Bender!
- Bow before your new Santa.
Our hero!
We are free and fairly sober
With so many toys to build
The machines are kind of tricky
Probably someone will be killed
But we gladly work for nothing
Which is good
Because we don't intend to pay
The elves are back to work today
Hooray
We have just a couple hours
To make several billion gifts
- And the labor isn't easy
- Then you'll all work triple shifts
You can make the job go quicker
If you turn the controls to super speed
- It's back to work on Xmas Eve
- Hooray
And though you're cold, sore and ugly
Your pride will mask the pain
- Let my happy smile warm your hearts
- There's a toy lodged in my brain
We are getting awfully tired
And we can't work any faster
We're very, very sorry
You selfiish little bastards
The kids will think Santa is a jerk
Then shut your yaps and back to work
Now it's very nearly Xmas
And we've done the best we could
- These are poorly painted
- And made from inferior wood
I should give you all a beating
But I have to fly
If I weren't stuck here
I'd harpoon you in the eye
Now it's back to our tenements
To drown ourselves in rye
You did the best you could
Some of these gorillas are okay
- Hooray!
- We're adequate!
The elves have rescued Xmas Day
Hooray
IN STUPID VOICE: Gee, how are you
gonna get through these bars?
IN NORMAL VOICE: I don't know, moron.
Suppose I bend them?
IN STUPID VOICE:
Okay.
Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!
Kids, take your suicide pills
so you won't suffer!
No, wait! I'm the good Santa.
I've got toys at reasonable prices.
He's the father of all lies
and the uncle of all tricks!
- I've come bearing Tri-Ominos.
- Go for the shins!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[GROANS]
One down...
Well, hello there, handsome.
Won't you have a cookie?
Don't mind if I do.
What's in these things?
Why don't you slip into something
more fiery?
Ow! Whoa!
Ow! Ah! Ah!
Ooh. Ow.
Yo, Kringle,
what happened to you, dog?
It's awful, Kwanza-Bot.
Everyone hates me.
At least they understand you.
Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip.
- Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand.
- No time.
I gotta hand out the Kwanza book.
I've been giving these out
for 647 years.
Bathtub eggnog,
just the way Grandma used to drink.
- Ew! It went sour!
- Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
Remember, professor, Bender is Santa.
So we don't need to hurt him, right?
Yes, yes, yes.
You sound like a broken MP3.
Ho, ho...
Professor, don't you remember
what I told you?
No!
There's gotta be a better way.
Bender, you're a genius.
This creates
an unrealistic standard of beauty.
Now it's time for Santa
to screw open his present.
It's Santa!
We've got him cornered.
- I smell a juicy promotion for me.
- And a juicy rehiring for me.
Eh? Wha...
This Xmas Day session of court
will come to order.
Honorable Judge Whitey presiding.
Santa, you stand accused of crimes
against humanity. How do you plead?
- Not Santa.
- There he is again!
Now, Pramala, I know it's scary
in the witness box.
But there ain't no need to fear me.
[CLUCKS]
I'm sorry. I thought you was corn.
Now, would you please point
at that robot over there?
[WHISPERING EXCITEDLY]
No further questions.
[CHIRPING ]
Daddy done good, huh?
- Haven't you been paid to testify?
- You gave me a dollar and some candy.
Yet you haven't said what I told you
to say. How can we trust you?
- Quit badgering the witness.
- Badger? Where?
[CLUCKS]
Whereas I have a ham dinner
waiting for me at my mansion...
...I find the defendant guilty.
[GASPING ]
Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you
to be executed at sundown.
[GROANS]
It's not fair. I hope that
dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.
[CROWS]
Deactivated robot walking!
Deactivated robot walking here!
Santa, when you see the robot devil,
tell him I'm coming.
- That guy said to tell you...
- I heard him.
Greetings, masters.
My companion and I made lots of toys.
Out of my way. We're taking Santa
to prove Bender's innocence.
Do what you will, but we'll see
who has the last ho.
[GRUNTING ]
- There.
- Oh, no! The ice is melting!
The factory's pollution
caused a greenhouse effect.
- That would explain this heat.
- And your shorts.
Yeah, that would explain it.
[SANTA GROANS]
We've got to think of a way to save
Bender, or Xmas will be ruined!
Especially for Bender.
Look out, Earth.
I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.
[SANTA LAUGHS]
Good old Maggie.
When I pull the switch, these
electromagnets will tear you apart.
- A most humane death.
- But that doesn't sound humane!
It is for the witnesses
because it's not boring.
When this random-number generator
reaches zero, you'll be executed.
Oh.
"Ten. Three. Twelve. Three" again.
- Stop the execution!
- Leela!
"Fifteen. Negative eight."
- I'll prove you've got the wrong Santa.
- I'm Santa Claus!
[GASPING ]
- What? "Twenty-seven."
- No, I'm Santa Claus.
- "Six"!
- We're also Santa Claus.
And I'm his friend, Jesus.
If you execute him,
you have to execute all of us.
You people aren't Santa.
You're not even robots. "Ninety-one."
How dare you lie in front of Jesus!
Hey, "zero"!
No! Not the magnet!
Swing low
Sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home
Swing low...
- This is horrible.
- But it's not boring.
SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho.
My God! The real Santa!
Get him, Jesus!
I help those who help themselves.
Santa, you saved my life.
Please don't kill me!
I'm not here to kill you, Bender.
I need you to help me save Xmas.
Gee whiz, Santa,
you want me to help you?
- Don't do it! He's evil!
- I know he is, but I have no choice.
I'm late. If I don't complete my brutal
rampage, it just wouldn't be Xmas.
I guess what I'm asking is:
Bender, won't you join
my slaying tonight?
Well, 'tis the season.
[SCREAMING ]
- My hair!
- My wedding cake!
Let it snow!
Merry Xmas, kids.
[SCREAMS]
This wangs chung.
After all the good we tried to do,
Xmas turned out rotten.
- No heat.
- No power.
Huddled together in fear
like lice in a burning wig.
Maybe your futuristic Xmas
isn't so rotten after all.
What are you talking about?
You said it yourself:
Xmas should bring people together,
not blow them apart.
Don't you see? Fear has brought us
together. That's the magic of Xmas.
That's a big crock of...
[EXPLODING ]
Hold me!
On, Trasher! On, Smasher!
- Kwanza-Bot, where you off to?
- Didn't you hear?
Chanukah Zombie is having a luau.
You coming?
Word!
Here's a small token of my appreciation
for being Santa while I was trapped.
Ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh.
Chief, you screwed up.
There's nothing here.
Oh, it might appear empty
but the message is clear:
Play Santa again,
and I'll kill you next year!
Ho, ho, ho!
Subtitles by
SDl Media Group
sub-rip by azeroth
In true winter tradition, members
of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club...
...today took the plunge
into a river of liquid ammonia.
- There were no survivors.
- It takes all kinds.
Now, with his annual message, here's
the head of the Xmas Safety Council:
- The head of Walter Cronkite.
- Season's warnings.
This guy's too trustworthy.
What's his angle?
In all the tinsel and terror
of the holiday season...
...we underestimate that murderous
brute known as Santa Claus.
With images of last year's Gingerbread
Massacre baked into our memories...
...I remind you to bolt your doors,
say goodbye to your pets...
...and lock your children
in the closet.
This is Walter Cronkite saying,
"I told you so."
Sacred boar of Western Samoa!
We must secure for Santa's arrival!
Fine. I'm getting tired
of this wood show.
Cover that fireplace!
I've only a few years to live.
I don't want to spend them dead.
- We're pushing as hard as we can.
- Oh! Pushing.
We're doomed.
Every year we're doomed.
Thanks be I had these
bulletproof shutters installed.
[SCREAMS]
Bring it on, Santa. That vicious
cadaver-junkie can't touch us...
...as long as we're not stupid enough
to leave this building.
In a related matter,
you'll deliver this sack of letters...
...directly to Santa
at his death fortress on Neptune.
These letters are real butt-nutters.
Listen to this. "Dear Santa..."
GIRL: Please, please don't bring me
any gifts.
The bicycle you fiired at me last year
from your bike gun tore up my insides.
Awful! Let's read some more.
"Dear Santa..."
BOY: Please bring me a coffiin for Grandpa.
You choked him with a chestnut last
year, and he's beginning to smell.
In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring
people together, not blow them apart.
Sure, but who's gonna do anything
about it? Not us. No, sir.
Yes, us. We've got to bring back
the kind of Xmas I remember.
Fry's right. It's time
to sit on Santa's lap, and hard!
[MACHINE GUN FIRES]
[DOGS BARKING ]
Look, a cute little welcoming party.
- Want to buy a tiny kidney?
- I'll let you punch me for a buck.
Look, we've got mail for Santa.
Are you his elves?
- No, we're Neptunians.
- We're tiny because he won't feed us.
You hit me. You owe me a dollar.
[GROWLING ]
[GLASS BREAKING ]
Got any food? Old tea bags,
chewed gum, apple cores?
- We're starving here!
- You live in a gingerbread house.
- It's food or shelter, not both.
- Don't you get paid for making toys?
- Who said toys?
NEPTUNIANS: Toys?
False alarm, folks.
There's no toys made.
Santa says everyone is naughty.
That's it! I'm delivering my boot
up Santa's chimney.
- Where is he?
- There, in his ice fortress.
We'll need help getting in.
Any volunteers?
- I'll help you.
- Oh, phooey!
[DOGS BARK "JINGLE BELLS"]
- An omen?
- Dinner.
[SANTA LAUGHS]
Let's see who's been naughty
and who's been naughty.
[MOANING ]
Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper
for protection money.
Very naughty.
Shopkeepers not paying protection
money. Exactly as naughty.
I saw that!
[WHEELS SQUEAKING ]
- Huh?
- We brought your mail.
Don't you ever knock?
Who knows what naughty things
I could be watching?
- I get New Orleans on this thing.
- Don't kill us!
Santa's a robot. We should be able
to destroy him with a logical paradox.
Bender, you better cover your ears.
Holy night! Intruders!
Hold it, Santa.
[HUMS]
Consider this: You are programmed
to destroy the naughty.
But many of those you destroy
are in fact nice.
I submit that you are naughty. So,
logically, you must destroy yourself.
[BUZZING ]
- Yay!
- Yay!
Nice try, but my head was built with
paradox-absorbing crumple zones.
[SCREAMING ]
[LASER FIRES]
[BEEPS]
Wait! This is what we're running from.
Faster! Faster!
[YELLING ]
[ENGINE ROARS]
- Why aren't we moving?
- I don't know.
Usually when I do stuff like this
the ship moves.
Ho, ho... Huh?
[GRUNTS]
- He's trapped.
- Hooray!
- Now we can make toys again!
- Toys! Toys! Toys!
And I can deliver them.
Billions and billions in one night.
- No human could do all that.
- Evel Knievel could.
- Nuh-uh.
- Santa's right.
We need some sort of robot.
Crap! I'm some sort of robot.
NEPTUNIANS:
Hooray!
Hooray!
Hooray!
Bender can't be Santa. He wasn't
built to Yuletide specifications.
I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse
either, but that didn't stop me.
- Bender!
- Bow before your new Santa.
Our hero!
We are free and fairly sober
With so many toys to build
The machines are kind of tricky
Probably someone will be killed
But we gladly work for nothing
Which is good
Because we don't intend to pay
The elves are back to work today
Hooray
We have just a couple hours
To make several billion gifts
- And the labor isn't easy
- Then you'll all work triple shifts
You can make the job go quicker
If you turn the controls to super speed
- It's back to work on Xmas Eve
- Hooray
And though you're cold, sore and ugly
Your pride will mask the pain
- Let my happy smile warm your hearts
- There's a toy lodged in my brain
We are getting awfully tired
And we can't work any faster
We're very, very sorry
You selfiish little bastards
The kids will think Santa is a jerk
Then shut your yaps and back to work
Now it's very nearly Xmas
And we've done the best we could
- These are poorly painted
- And made from inferior wood
I should give you all a beating
But I have to fly
If I weren't stuck here
I'd harpoon you in the eye
Now it's back to our tenements
To drown ourselves in rye
You did the best you could
Some of these gorillas are okay
- Hooray!
- We're adequate!
The elves have rescued Xmas Day
Hooray
IN STUPID VOICE: Gee, how are you
gonna get through these bars?
IN NORMAL VOICE: I don't know, moron.
Suppose I bend them?
IN STUPID VOICE:
Okay.
Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!
Kids, take your suicide pills
so you won't suffer!
No, wait! I'm the good Santa.
I've got toys at reasonable prices.
He's the father of all lies
and the uncle of all tricks!
- I've come bearing Tri-Ominos.
- Go for the shins!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[GROANS]
One down...
Well, hello there, handsome.
Won't you have a cookie?
Don't mind if I do.
What's in these things?
Why don't you slip into something
more fiery?
Ow! Whoa!
Ow! Ah! Ah!
Ooh. Ow.
Yo, Kringle,
what happened to you, dog?
It's awful, Kwanza-Bot.
Everyone hates me.
At least they understand you.
Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip.
- Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand.
- No time.
I gotta hand out the Kwanza book.
I've been giving these out
for 647 years.
Bathtub eggnog,
just the way Grandma used to drink.
- Ew! It went sour!
- Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
Remember, professor, Bender is Santa.
So we don't need to hurt him, right?
Yes, yes, yes.
You sound like a broken MP3.
Ho, ho...
Professor, don't you remember
what I told you?
No!
There's gotta be a better way.
Bender, you're a genius.
This creates
an unrealistic standard of beauty.
Now it's time for Santa
to screw open his present.
It's Santa!
We've got him cornered.
- I smell a juicy promotion for me.
- And a juicy rehiring for me.
Eh? Wha...
This Xmas Day session of court
will come to order.
Honorable Judge Whitey presiding.
Santa, you stand accused of crimes
against humanity. How do you plead?
- Not Santa.
- There he is again!
Now, Pramala, I know it's scary
in the witness box.
But there ain't no need to fear me.
[CLUCKS]
I'm sorry. I thought you was corn.
Now, would you please point
at that robot over there?
[WHISPERING EXCITEDLY]
No further questions.
[CHIRPING ]
Daddy done good, huh?
- Haven't you been paid to testify?
- You gave me a dollar and some candy.
Yet you haven't said what I told you
to say. How can we trust you?
- Quit badgering the witness.
- Badger? Where?
[CLUCKS]
Whereas I have a ham dinner
waiting for me at my mansion...
...I find the defendant guilty.
[GASPING ]
Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you
to be executed at sundown.
[GROANS]
It's not fair. I hope that
dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.
[CROWS]
Deactivated robot walking!
Deactivated robot walking here!
Santa, when you see the robot devil,
tell him I'm coming.
- That guy said to tell you...
- I heard him.
Greetings, masters.
My companion and I made lots of toys.
Out of my way. We're taking Santa
to prove Bender's innocence.
Do what you will, but we'll see
who has the last ho.
[GRUNTING ]
- There.
- Oh, no! The ice is melting!
The factory's pollution
caused a greenhouse effect.
- That would explain this heat.
- And your shorts.
Yeah, that would explain it.
[SANTA GROANS]
We've got to think of a way to save
Bender, or Xmas will be ruined!
Especially for Bender.
Look out, Earth.
I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.
[SANTA LAUGHS]
Good old Maggie.
When I pull the switch, these
electromagnets will tear you apart.
- A most humane death.
- But that doesn't sound humane!
It is for the witnesses
because it's not boring.
When this random-number generator
reaches zero, you'll be executed.
Oh.
"Ten. Three. Twelve. Three" again.
- Stop the execution!
- Leela!
"Fifteen. Negative eight."
- I'll prove you've got the wrong Santa.
- I'm Santa Claus!
[GASPING ]
- What? "Twenty-seven."
- No, I'm Santa Claus.
- "Six"!
- We're also Santa Claus.
And I'm his friend, Jesus.
If you execute him,
you have to execute all of us.
You people aren't Santa.
You're not even robots. "Ninety-one."
How dare you lie in front of Jesus!
Hey, "zero"!
No! Not the magnet!
Swing low
Sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home
Swing low...
- This is horrible.
- But it's not boring.
SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho.
My God! The real Santa!
Get him, Jesus!
I help those who help themselves.
Santa, you saved my life.
Please don't kill me!
I'm not here to kill you, Bender.
I need you to help me save Xmas.
Gee whiz, Santa,
you want me to help you?
- Don't do it! He's evil!
- I know he is, but I have no choice.
I'm late. If I don't complete my brutal
rampage, it just wouldn't be Xmas.
I guess what I'm asking is:
Bender, won't you join
my slaying tonight?
Well, 'tis the season.
[SCREAMING ]
- My hair!
- My wedding cake!
Let it snow!
Merry Xmas, kids.
[SCREAMS]
This wangs chung.
After all the good we tried to do,
Xmas turned out rotten.
- No heat.
- No power.
Huddled together in fear
like lice in a burning wig.
Maybe your futuristic Xmas
isn't so rotten after all.
What are you talking about?
You said it yourself:
Xmas should bring people together,
not blow them apart.
Don't you see? Fear has brought us
together. That's the magic of Xmas.
That's a big crock of...
[EXPLODING ]
Hold me!
On, Trasher! On, Smasher!
- Kwanza-Bot, where you off to?
- Didn't you hear?
Chanukah Zombie is having a luau.
You coming?
Word!
Here's a small token of my appreciation
for being Santa while I was trapped.
Ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh.
Chief, you screwed up.
There's nothing here.
Oh, it might appear empty
but the message is clear:
Play Santa again,
and I'll kill you next year!
Ho, ho, ho!
Subtitles by
SDl Media Group
sub-rip by azeroth