Futurama (1999–2013): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Cryonic Woman - full transcript

[ Man ]
ONE, TWO! ONE, TWO, THREE!

IN WHAT HAS BECOME A WINTER
TRADITION, MEMBERS OF THE
ZARLON SEVEN POLAR BEAR CLUB...

TODAY TOOK THE PLUNGE
INTO A RIVER OF LIQUID AMMONIA.

[ Cheering ]

THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS.

[ Laughs ]
TAKES ALL KINDS.

AND NOW WITH
HIS ANNUAL XMAS MESSAGE,

HERE'S THE HEAD OF
THE XMAS SAFETY COUNCIL,

THE HEAD OF WALTER CRONKITE.

SEASON'S WARNINGS,
LINDA AND MORBO.

THIS GUY'S TOO TRUSTWORTHY.
WHAT'S HIS ANGLE?



IN ALL THE TINSEL AND TERROR
OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON,

WE TOO OFTEN UNDERESTIMATE
THAT MURDEROUS BRUTE...

BETTER KNOWN AS SANTA CLAUS.

WITH IMAGES OF LAST YEAR'S
GINGERBREAD MASSACRE...

FRESHLY BAKED
INTO OUR MEMORIES,

I REMIND YOU
TO BOLT YOUR DOORS,

SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOUR PETS
AND LOCK YOUR CHILDREN
IN THE CLOSET.

THIS IS WALTER CRONKITE
SAYING "I TOLD YOU SO."

[ Hammering ]

SACRED BOAR OF WESTERN
AND EASTERN SAMOA,

WE GOT TO SECURE
FOR SANTA'S ARRIVAL.

[ Signal Pulsing ]
JUST AS WELL. I'M GETTING
TIRED OF THIS WOOD SHOW.

[ All Grunting ]

COVER THAT FIREPLACE,
CONFOUND YOU!



I'VE ONLY A FEW YEARS TO LIVE.
I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THEM DEAD.

WE'RE PUSHING AS HARD
AS WE CAN.

OH, PUSHING!

AAH! OH!

OH, WE'RE DOOMED!
EVERY YEAR WE'RE DOOMED.

THANKS BE I HAD THESE
BULLETPROOF SHUTTERS INSTALLED.
[ Beeping ]

WHOA! AAH!

♪♪ [ "Deck The Halls" ]

BRING IT ON, SANTA!
THAT BLOODTHIRSTY CADAVER
JUNKIE CAN'T TOUCH US...

AS LONG AS WE'RE
NOT STUPID ENOUGH
TO LEAVE THIS BUILDING.

ALL RIGHT!
UH-HUH!

IN A RELATED MATTER,
YOU'LL BE DELIVERING THIS
SACK OF CHILDREN'S LETTERS...

DIRECTLY TO SANTA AT
HIS DEATH FORTRESS ON NEPTUNE.

[ Engine Laboring ]

THESE LETTERS ARE
REAL BUTT NUTTERS.
LISTEN TO THIS ONE.

-"DEAR SANTA--"
-[ Girl's Voice ] PLEASE, PLEASE
DON'T BRING ME ANY GIFTS.

THE BICYCLE YOU FIRED
AT ME LAST YEAR
FROM YOUR BICYCLE GUN...

REALLY TORE UP
MY INSIDES.

AWFUL. LET'S READ SOME MORE.
"DEAR SANTA--"

[ Boy's Voice ]
PLEASE BRING ME
A COFFIN FOR GRANDPA.

YOU CHOKED HIM WITH
A CHESTNUT LAST YEAR,

AND HE'S BEGINNING
TO SMELL A LOT LIKE XMAS,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[ Chair Creaking ]

IT'S NOT FAIR!

IN MY DAY, XMAS WAS SUPPOSED
TO BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER,
NOT BLOW THEM APART.

SURE, BUT WHO'S GONNA DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

CERTAINLY NOT US.
NO, SIR.
CERTAINLY YES US. UH-HUH, SIR.

WE'VE GOTTA BRING BACK
THE KIND OF XMAS I REMEMBER.

FRY'S RIGHT.
IT'S TIME TO SIT
ON SANTA'S LAP, AND HARD.

[ Machine Gun Fire ]
[ Dog Barking ]

OH, LOOK. A CUTE
LITTLE WELCOMING PARTY.

[ Coughing ]
HEY, WANNA BUY
A TINY LITTLE KIDNEY?

I'LL LET YOU PUNCH ME
FOR A BUCK.

LOOK. WE'VE GOT MAIL FOR SANTA.
ARE YOU HIS ELVES?

WE'RE NOT ELVES.
WE'RE NEPTUNIANS.

WE'RE JUST SHRIMPY
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FEED US.

YOU HIT ME.
YOU OWE ME A DOLLAR.

[ Dogs Growling ]
AAH! AAH!

[ Grunting, Muttering ]

HELP. YOU GOT
ANY FOOD?

OLD TEA BAGS, CHEWED GUM,
APPLE CORES?

COME ON!
WE'RE STARVING HERE!

-BUT YOU LIVE
IN A GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
-IT'S FOOD OR SHELTER, NOT BOTH.

YOU LAZY RUNTS.
DON'T YOU GET PAID
FOR MAKING THE TOYS?

- WHO SAID "TOYS"?
- TOYS? SOMEONE SAID "TOYS"?

FALSE ALARM, FOLKS.

THERE'S NO REASON TO MAKE TOYS,
SINCE SANTA JUDGES EVERYONE
TO BE NAUGHTY.

THAT'S IT. I'M GONNA DELIVER
A GIFT OF MY BOOT UP SANTA'S
CHIMNEY. WHERE IS HE?

THERE, IN HIS ICE FORTRESS.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

WE'LL NEED HELP GETTING IN.
ANY VOLUNTEERS?

I'LL HELP YOU.
AW, PHOOEY.

♪♪ [ Barking "Jingle Bells" ]

[ Squawks ]

AN OMEN?
DINNER.

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Sinister Laughter ]

LET'S SEE
WHO'S BEEN NAUGHTY...

AND WHO'S BEEN NAUGHTY.

OH! OH! OH!

MOBSTERS BEATING UP A SHOPKEEPER
FOR PROTECTION MONEY.

VERY NAUGHTY.

[ Groaning ]
SHOPKEEPERS NOT PAYING
THEIR PROTECTION MONEY.

EXACTLY AS NAUGHTY!

I SAW THAT!

HUH?

- WE BROUGHT YOU MAIL.
- DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK?

WHO KNOWS WHAT NAUGHTY THINGS
I COULD BE WATCHING?

- I GET NEW ORLEANS
ON THIS THING, YOU KNOW.
- DON'T KILL US!

SANTA'S A ROBOT.
SO WE SHOULD BE ABLE
TO DESTROY HIM...

WITH A LOGICAL
PARADOX.

BENDER, YOU BETTER
COVER YOUR EARS.

HOLY NIGHT! INTRUDERS!

HOLD IT, SANTA.
[ Humming ]

CONSIDER THIS:
YOU ARE PROGRAMMED
TO DESTROY THE NAUGHTY.

BUT MANY OF THOSE YOU DESTROY
ARE, IN FACT, NICE.

I SUBMIT TO YOU
THAT YOU ARE NAUGHTY...

AND THAT, LOGICALLY,
YOU MUST DESTROY YOURSELF.

[ Gibbering ]

YEA!
[ Laughing ]
YEA!

NICE TRY,
BUT MY HEAD WAS BUILT...

WITH PARADOX-ABSORBING
CRUMPLE ZONES.

AAH!
AAH!

[ Humming, Yelling ]

[ All Screaming ]

[ Beeping ]

- [ Bender Yelling ]
- [ Screaming ]

WAIT. THIS IS WHAT
WE'RE RUNNING FROM.

FASTER! FASTER!

WHOA! OH!
AAH!

AAH!
AAH!

[ Screaming ]

[ All Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

OOF!
[ Blubbering ]

[ Engine Starting ]

[ Rockets Firing ]
WHY AREN'T WE MOVING?

I DON'T KNOW.
USUALLY WHEN I DO STUFF
LIKE THIS, THE SHIP MOVES.

HO, HO-- HUH?

[ Grumbling ]

[ Grunting ]

HE'S TRAPPED!
[ All ]
HOORAY!

- NOW WE CAN MAKE TOYS AGAIN.
- [ All ] TOYS! TOYS! TOYS!

AND I CAN DELIVER THEM.
BILLIONS AND BILLIONS
IN ONE NIGHT.

HA! NO HUMAN
COULD DO ALL THAT.

- EVEL KNIEVEL COULD.
- NUH-UH!

SANTA'S RIGHT.
WE NEED SOME SORT OF ROBOT.

AW, CRAP!
I'M SOME SORT OF ROBOT.

[ Neptunians ]
HOORAY!

HOORAY!

HOORAY!
OOH!

BENDER CAN'T BE SANTA.

HE WASN'T BUILT TO
YULETIDE SPECIFICATIONS.

OH, YEAH? WELL, I WASN'T BUILT
TO STEAL LEELA'S PURSE EITHER,
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP ME.

BENDER!
BOW BEFORE YOUR NEW SANTA!

[ Neptunians ]
OUR HERO!

[ Bells Jingling ]
♪ WE ARE FREE
AND FAIRLY SOBER ♪

♪ WITH SO MANY TOYS
TO BUILD ♪

♪ THE MACHINES
ARE KINDA TRICKY ♪

♪ PROBABLY SOMEONE
WILL BE KILLED ♪

♪ BUT WE GLADLY WORK
FOR NOTHING ♪

♪ WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE
WE DON'T INTEND TO PAY ♪

♪ THE ELVES ARE
BACK TO WORK TODAY ♪

HOORAY!

♪ WE HAVE JUST A COUPLE HOURS TO
MAKE SEVERAL BILLION GIFTS ♪

♪ AND THE LABOR
ISN'T EASY ♪

♪ THEN YOU'LL ALL WORK
TRIPLE SHIFTS ♪

♪ YOU CAN MAKE THE JOB
GO QUICKER ♪

♪ IF YOU TURN UP THE CONTROLS
TO SUPERSPEED ♪

[ Tempo Quickens ] ♪ IT'S BACK
TO WORK ON XMAS EVE ♪
[ Panting ] HOORAY.

♪ AND THOUGH YOU'RE COLD
AND SORE AND UGLY ♪

♪ YOUR PRIDE
WILL MASK THE PAIN ♪

♪ LET MY HAPPY SMILE
WARM YOUR HEART ♪

♪ THERE'S A TOY
LODGED IN MY BRAIN ♪

♪ WE ARE GETTING AWFULLY TIRED
AND WE CAN'T WORK ANY FASTER ♪

♪ AND WE'RE VERY, VERY SORRY ♪
♪ WHY, YOU SELFISH
LITTLE BASTARDS ♪

♪ DO YOU WANT THE KIDS
TO THINK THAT SANTA'S JUST
A CRUMMY, EMPTY-HANDED JERK ♪

- OW!
- ♪ THEN SHUT YOUR YAPS
AND BACK TO WORK ♪

♪ NOW IT'S
VERY NEARLY XMAS ♪

♪ WE'VE DONE THE BEST WE COULD ♪
♪ THESE TOY SOLDIERS
ARE POORLY PAINTED ♪

♪ AND THEY'RE MADE
FROM INFERIOR WOOD ♪

♪ I SHOULD GIVE YOU ALL
A BEATING, BUT I REALLY
HAVE TO FLY ♪

♪ IF I WEREN'T STUCK HERE
FROZEN, I'D HARPOON YOU
IN THE EYE ♪

♪ NOW IT'S BACK
INTO OUR TENEMENTS
TO DROWN OURSELVES IN RYE ♪

♪ YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD
I GUESS, AND SOME OF
THESE GORILLAS ARE OKAY ♪

HOORAY!
WE'RE ADEQUATE!

♪ THE ELVES HAVE RESCUED
XMAS DAY ♪♪
HOORAY!

GIDDYAP.

DUH, GEE, BENDER,
HOW'RE YOU GONNA GET
THROUGH THESE BARS?

I DON'T KNOW, MORON.
SUPPOSE I BEND 'EM?

DUH, OKAY.

OW!
MOMMY! MOMMY!

- SANTA'S THROUGH THE PERIMETER!
- THIS IS IT, KIDS!

TAKE YOUR SUICIDE PILLS
SO YOU WON'T SUFFER!

NO! WAIT!
I'M THE GOOD SANTA.

I'VE GOT TOYS,
AT VERY REASONABLE PRICES.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
HE'S THE FATHER OF ALL LIES
AND THE UNCLE OF ALL TRICKS.

BUT I COME BEARING
TRI-OMINOS.

- GO FOR THE SHINS!
- AAH! OW, OW, OW, OW! OW!

[ Groans ]
ONE DOWN.

[ Gasps ]
WELL, HELLO THERE, HANDSOME.

WON'T YOU HAVE A... COOKIE?

AH, DON'T MIND IF I DO.
HEH!

OW! WHAT'S IN THESE THINGS?

WHY DON'T YOU SLIP
INTO SOMETHING MORE FIERY?

OW! OH! YAH!

OW! AAH!

[ Yells, Grunts ]
OW.

YO, KRINGLE!
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, DAWG?

OH, IT'S AWFUL, KWANZABOT.
EVERYONE HATES ME.

[ Scoffs ]
AT LEAST THEY UNDERSTAND YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AIN'T NOBODY DOWN
WITH THIS KWANZA TIP.

HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN LEND ME
A HAND WITH THESE DELIVERIES?

[ Imitates Buzzer ]
NO TIME. I GOT TO HAND OUT
THE TRADITIONAL KWANZA BOOK.

[ Sighs ]
I'VE BEEN GIVING THESE OUT
FOR 647 YEARS.

[ Growls ]

AH, BATHTUB EGGNOG.

JUST THE WAY
GRANDMA USED TO DRINK.

[ Slurps ]
EWW! IT WENT SOUR!

CAN'T I HAVE
A SCENTED BATH IN PEACE?

REMEMBER, PROFESSOR,
BENDER IS SANTA.

SO WE DON'T NEED
TO HURT HIM, RIGHT?
YES, YES, YES!

YOU SOUND LIKE
A BROKEN MP3.

HO, HO-- OW!

PROFESSOR! DON'T YOU
REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU?

NO!

[ Groans ]

OH, THERE'S GOTTA BE
A BETTER WAY.

BENDER, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
[ Sinister Laughter ]

THIS CREATES AN UNREALISTIC
STANDARD OF BEAUTY.
[ Snorts ]

NOW IT'S TIME FOR SANTA
TO SCREW OPEN HIS PRESENT.

IT'S SANTA,
AND WE GOT HIM CORNERED.

OH, I SMELL
A JUICY PROMOTION FOR ME.

AND A JUICY REHIRING BACK
ONTO THE FORCE FOR ME.

HEY, WH-- WHAT?

THIS XMAS DAY SESSION OF COURT
WILL COME TO ORDER.

THE HONORABLE
JUDGE WHITEY PRESIDING.

SANTA CLAUS, YOU STAND ACCUSED
OF CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.

HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

NOT SANTA.
THERE HE IS AGAIN!

[ Whimpers ]

NOW, PRAMALA, I KNOW IT'S SCARY
IN THAT THERE WITNESS BOX,

BUT 'TAIN'T NO NEED
TO FEAR ME.

[ Clucks Loudly ]
AAH!

I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT YOU WAS CORN.

NOW, WOULD YOU PLEASE POINT
AT THAT ROBOT OVER THERE?

[ Spectators Murmuring ]

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

[ Peeping ]
DADDY DONE GOOD, HUH?

ISN'T IT TRUE THAT
YOU HAVE BEEN PAID
FOR YOUR TESTIMONY?

YES. YOU GAVE ME A DOLLAR
AND SOME CANDY.

AND YET YOU HAVEN'T SAID
WHAT I TOLD YOU TO SAY.

HOW CAN ANY OF US
TRUST YOU?

QUIT BADGERING THE WITNESS.

BADGER? WHERE?
[ Clucking ]

WHEREAS I HAVE A HAM DINNER
WITH MAYONNAISE...

WAITING FOR ME
AT MY MANSION,

I FIND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY.

- [ All Gasp ]
- SANTA CLAUS,
I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU...

TO BE EXECUTED
AT SUNDOWN.

- OH!
- IT'S NOT FAIR.

I JUST HOPE THAT DUMB CHICKEN
IS ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.

[ Crowing ]

DEACTIVATED ROBOT WALKING!

WE GOT A DEACTIVATED
ROBOT WALKING HERE.

[ Whirring ]

HEY, SANTA, WHEN YOU
SEE THE ROBOT DEVIL,
TELL HIM I'M A-COMIN'.

HEY, THAT GUY SAID
TO TELL YOU THAT--
I HEARD HIM.

♪♪ [ "Pop Goes The Weasel" ]

GREETINGS, MASTERS!

MY COMPANION AND I
MADE LOTS OF TOYS.

OUT OF MY WAY, SHRIMPO.

WE'RE HERE TO BRING
SANTA BACK SO WE CAN PROVE
BENDER'S INNOCENCE.

[ Buzzing ]

DO WHAT YOU WILL,
BUT WE'LL SEE
WHO HAS THE LAST "HO."

[ All Grunting ]
THERE.

OH, NO!
THE ICE IS MELTING!

THE POLLUTION FROM THE FACTORY--
IT CAUSED A GREENHOUSE EFFECT.

- THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THIS HEAT.
- AND YOUR BREEZY SHORT SHORTS.

UH, YEAH, THAT
WOULD EXPLAIN IT.

[ Roars ]

[ All Screaming ]

[ All Screaming ]

[ Machinery Humming ]

[ Panting ]

[ Muttering, Grunting ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Santa Grunts ]
OH!

HURRY! WE'VE GOTTA THINK
OF ANOTHER WAY TO SAVE BENDER,
OR XMAS WILL BE RUINED.

ESPECIALLY FOR BENDER.

LOOK OUT, EARTH.

I'M DREAMING
OF A RED XMAS.

[ Evil Laughter ]

AH, GOOD OLD MAGGIE.
HUH? EH.

WHEN I PULL THE SWITCH,
THESE POWERFUL ELECTROMAGNETS
WILL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB,

KILLING YOU IN THE MOST
HUMANE POSSIBLE MANNER.

BUT, MR. MAYOR,
THAT DOESN'T SOUND HUMANE!

IT IS FOR THE WITNESSES
BECAUSE IT'S NOT BORING.

THE INSTANT THIS RANDOM
NUMBER GENERATOR REACHES ZERO,
YOU'LL BE EXECUTED.

- [ Groans ]
- TEN.

THREE.

TWELVE. THREE AGAIN.

- STOP THE EXECUTION!
- LEELA!

- FIFTEEN. NEGATIVE EIGHT.
- YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG SANTA,
AND I'LL PROVE IT.

I'M SANTA CLAUS.
[ Gasping ]

- WHAT? TWENTY-SEVEN.
- NO, I'M SANTA CLAUS.

- SIX?
- [ Low-pitched Voice ]
WE'RE ALSO SANTA CLAUS.

AND I'M HIS FRIEND JESUS.

YOUR MAYORNESS,
IF YOU EXECUTE HIM,
YOU HAVE TO EXECUTE ALL OF US.

YOU PEOPLE AREN'T SANTA.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN ROBOTS.

NINETY-ONE.
HOW DARE YOU LIE
IN FRONT OF JESUS.

HEY, ZERO.

[ Electronic Humming ]

NO! STOP THE MAGNET!

[ Voice Quavering ]
♪ SWING LOW ♪

♪ SWEET CHARIOT ♪

♪ COMIN' FOR
TO CARRY ME HOME ♪

- ♪ SWING LOW ♪♪
- THIS IS HORRIBLE.

BUT IT'S NOT BORING.

HO, HO, HO!

OH!

[ All Screaming ]

MY GOD, THE REAL SANTA!
GET HIM, JESUS!

I HELP THOSE
WHO HELP THEMSELVES!
[ Whimpering ]

SANTA! YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

HA, HA, HO, HO, HO!
I'M NOT HERE
TO KILL YOU, BENDER.

I NEED YOU TO HELP ME
SAVE XMAS.

GEE WHIZ, SANTA.

YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU?

- DON'T DO IT! HE'S EVIL!
- I KNOW HE IS,
BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.

I'M RUNNING LATE,
AND IF I DON'T COMPLETE
MY BRUTAL RAMPAGE,

WELL, IT JUST
WOULDN'T BE XMAS.

I GUESS WHAT
I'M ASKING IS,

BENDER, WON'T YOU JOIN
MY SLAYING TONIGHT?

WELL, 'TIS THE SEASON.

[ All Screaming ]

AAH!

MY HAIR!
MY WEDDING CAKE!

[ Laughing ]
LET IT SNOW!

MERRY XMAS, KIDS.
[ Grunts ]

[ Grunting ]

AAH!

[ Laughing ]

THIS WANGS CHUNG.

AFTER ALL THE GOOD WE TRIED
TO DO, XMAS TURNED OUT
AS ROTTEN AS EVER.

NO HEAT.
NO POWER.

HUDDLED TOGETHER IN FEAR,
LIKE LICE IN A BURNING WIG.

WAIT A SECOND.
MAYBE YOUR FUTURISTIC XMAS
ISN'T SO ROTTEN, AFTER ALL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, YOU CROUTON?
YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.

XMAS SHOULD BE ABOUT
BRINGING PEOPLE TOGETHER,
NOT BLOWING THEM APART.

BUT DON'T YOU SEE?
FEAR HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

THAT'S THE MAGIC OF XMAS.

THAT'S A BIG CROCK OF--

HOLD ME.

ON, TRASHER!
ON, SMASHER!

- HEY, KWANZABOT.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
- YOU DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT IT?

CHANUKAH ZOMBIE'S HAVING
A LUAU AT THE B'NAI B'RITH.
YOU COMIN'?

WORD.

BY THE WAY, BENDER,
HERE'S A SMALL TOKEN
OF MY APPRECIATION...

FOR BEING SANTA WHILE
I WAS TRAPPED IN THE ICE.

OOOH!
[ Chuckling ]

HEY, CHIEF, YOU SCREWED UP.
THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE.

OH, IT MIGHT APPEAR EMPTY,
BUT THE MESSAGE IS CLEAR.

PLAY SANTA AGAIN,

AND I'LL KILL YOU NEXT YEAR.

AAH!

HO, HO, HO!