Futurama (1999–2013): Season 3, Episode 14 - Time Keeps on Slipping - full transcript

Time Keeps On Slipping

Go get it, boy.

How about a romantic ride
in one of those swan boats?

They're dangerous,
but I've mastered them.

Those aren't swan boats.
They're swans.

That explains these boat eggs.

[CROWD SCREAMING]

Whoa!

[CROWD SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

Mmm... Ah!



[SCREAMS]

[SNEAKERS SQUEAKING]

Pitiful ballplayers of Earth...

...I am Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate,
commander of the Harlem Globetrotters.

[GASPING]

For generations, your planet has lived
in peace with our home world.

But now, for no reason...

...we challenge you to defend
your honor on the basketball court.

Will no one meet our challenge?
Have none of you Earthlings game?

- What happens if we lose?
- Nothing. There's nothing at stake...

...beyond the shame of defeat.

[GASPING]

This will not stand.

[CROWD MUMBLING]



I'll take you on,
you air-balling bozos.

You, old man? Sweet Clyde,
laugh derisively at him.

[LAUGHS]

I may be an old man...
In fact, I'm fairly sure I am...

...but I'll put you
Globetrotters in your place...

...with my team of mutant
atomic supermen!

GROUP:
Yay!

Behold! My mutant atomic supermen.

- They're only a foot high.
- They're still young.

Mere atomic superboys, really.

We'll speed up their growth with
time particles called Cronotons.

- Those destroyed an entire civili...
- Good news, everyone.

You're off to the Tempest Nebula
to gather Cronotons.

Hey, Leela, look at me.

[COUGHS]

Your face can take a lot of punishment.
Good to know.

There's a lot about my face you don't
know. You and it should get acquainted.

- Cool your jets, hotshot.
- Why won't you go out with me?

- We both know there's something there.
- No, I mean, cool your jets...

...they're melting Bender's face.

[BENDER SCREAMS]

- Here you go. Hot off the nebula.
- None too soon.

The Trotters held a news conference
to announce that I was a jive sucker.

[GASPING]

[BABY CRIES]

Behold! My invincible nuclear mutants.

- Hi.
- Hello.

ALBERT: Marv Albert here at
Madison Cube Garden...

...where the Globetrotters take on a
squad of atomic supermen...

...in what should be a by-the-numbers
contest with no surprises whatsoever.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALBERT:
Here's the tip-off. Globetrotter ball.

Clyde Dixon to Bubblegum Tate.
Drives downcourt...

...and Curly Joe from the rear.

[SQUEALS]

- That one grabbed his behindus.
GROUP: Quiet!

Who dares laugh at
the Jesters of Dunk?

We came to terrify and humiliate you,
not tickle your funny bones.

Watch as I embarrass your civilization
by passing the ball to Curly Joe.

Only to have it remain
in my hands with elastic.

CROWD:
Boo!

And perhaps this will wipe
the smiles from your faces.

ALBERT:
Goose goes up.

Rejected. Agrow-treant
from half court. Yes!

[CROWD CHEERING]

GLOBETROTTERS - 42
SUPERMEN - 45

ALBERT:
Supermen lead 45-42.

Aracneon with the steal.
Thorais from downtown.

Yes! He's showing us what a man
with a cannon in his chest can do.

No showboating, you atomic hotdog.

[BUZZER BUZZES]

ALBERT: That's the half, the Supermen
up 48-42. Surprisingly dull so far.

The Trotters are down by six.
Reactions?

We planned to trail at the half, thus
deepening Earth's eventual humiliation.

Also, what game
were the refs watching?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[LAUGHS]

ALBERT: Curly Joe, amused by his own
antics, continues to wreak havoc on...

- What the...?
MAN: What happened?

GROUP:
What was that?

Did everything just jump around?
Or did my brain just stroke off there?

Something very strange
has just happened...

...in this game between space clowns
and atomic monsters.

Time-out. Time-out.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

- What's happening?
- We're lurching forward in time...

...like a needle skipping
on a record.

- What's causing it? Is it my outfit?
- No.

It must have something to do
with those time particles I used.

Time and space are ripping apart
at the seams.

[GASPING]

- Oops.
- Oh, great.

Now, on top of everything,
we need a new fifth man.

Put me in. I wanna show Leela
my skills.

- Will said skills pay the bills?
- Who cares?

We're 35 points ahead with two
minutes left. What could possibly...?

[CROWD BOOING]

[BUZZER BUZZES]

Globetrotters win, 244-86.
A dark day for humanity, folks.

We have been beaten in basketball.

- Yeah, that's how we do it.
- How's that?

You are all fools
of the highest caliber.

I don't know what you did, Fry,
but you screwed up.

Now all the planets are gonna
crack wise about our mamas.

- I'm glad my fat mama isn't alive.
- Enough about your promiscuous mom...

...we have bigger problems.
This time disruption is serious.

ETHAN:
Damn right, man.

This chronological wang-dang-doodle
could destroy the matrix of reality.

- Tate, what do you know about this?
- Not much yet...

...but I am senior lecturer in physics
at Globetrotter U. I'd like to help.

- You're that Bubblegum Tate?
- I sure ain't his grandma. Look here.

We got an excess of Cronotons
in the subatomic interstices.

Yes, I see.

Something involving that many big
words could destabilize time itself.

- Is that a problem?
- Indeed.

At this rate, by Tuesday it'll be
Thursday. By Wednesday it'll be August.

And by Thursday, it will be the end
of existence as we know it.

I have to ask you to clear out. The
circus needs to set up for tomorrow's...

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

[CROWD SCREAMING]

Time continues to skip forward
randomly.

Details at 11...
This is the news at 11.

The unexplained...
Turning to entertainment news...

... teen singer Wendy might be the...
Won three Grammys last night...

- Found dead in her bathtub.
- Interesting.

We behave normally during the time
skips, but we have no memory of it.

- You mean we just...
- My, yes. Just like that.

- Any luck, Bubblegum?
- Not yet.

- Hope you don't mind if I dribble.
- Not if you grant me the same liberty.

Bubblegum, I'm a huge fan of your
work, both on and off the court.

- Can I be a Globetrotter?
- Shut up, turkey.

Ooh...

Bubblegum, look. The background
time radiation is fluctuating wildly.

That sucker's shaking like fine booty.

I'm no physicist, but I think I know
how to stop the skipping. We'll just...

[CARIBBEAN MUSIC PLAYS]

I don't know how this was
supposed to work.

I hope you find out what's
wrong before we skip my birthd...

GROUP: Happy birthday, Amy.
- Hooray, look at all these presents.

I hope we all have as much fun
tomorrow at my birth... What?

Oh...

I've set up a time-proof shelter
in the closet.

You're the one I want
to share it with.

Fry, that's so sweet. Let me see.

How will this protect us
from time jumps?

Because when we're together in here,
baby, time will stand still.

Hmm. Hmm.

- Zoidberg, can I talk to you about Fry?
- Leela, I would be honored.

- Does the worst W.C. Fields
imitation I've ever seen. Zoidberg?

Sorry, you must have been boring me.

The thing is, Fry is very sweet.
But he's so immature.

I love his boyish charm,
but I hate his childishness.

So he's not perfect. You don't wanna
end up old and lonely like Zoidberg!

[SOBS]

You were saying?

[FARNSWORTH SNIFFS]

There it is. The Tempest Nebula.
Take a whiff through the Smell-a-Scope.

- What's that funky jazz?
- The odor of pure time leaking.

When we removed the Cronotons,
it destabilized the nebula...

...causing time skips
throughout the universe.

- Let Bubblegum tell it.
- Pretend these balls are time particles.

As the nebula bounce-passes
them off us...

...they cause dents, or "time skips."
- You are so smart.

What if we were to move this star
cluster to these algebraic coordinates?

Their gravity may divert the Cronotons
to the empty side of the universe.

Yeah. But is it possible?

Moving stars requires
a bad-ass gravity pump.

We'd need all the money
on Earth to build...

[GASPING]

- How long will it take to build?
- It won't be easy.

A jim-jam this complex might
take months or even...

There we are. One gravity pump.

Powerful enough to move
the stars themselves.

Now to begin the arduous task
of attaching it to the ship...

Off you go, apparently.

ETHAN: Easy, Leela. Just finger-roll
that star to the cosmic basket.

Just a few more...

...hundred thousand miles.

There.

ETHAN:
Nothing but nebula.

I think we've stopped the time skips.

- All right.
- Jamming.

Hooray for Leela.

What better way to celebrate
than by showing Bubblegum...

...the Globetrotter uniform I made.

Let me see.

Hello, lawsuit.

I want you to know I think the way
you moved those stars was wonderful.

I got you something.

Moderately priced, non-vintage
champagne? How did you know?

You deserve it. Nobody ever stops to
tell you what a great captain you are.

That is so true and sweet.

You're smart, beautiful, and best
of all, you'll go out with me?

Fry, please try to understand.

You're a man. I'm a woman.
We're too different.

Bubblegum might let me organize a bake
sale for the Globetrotter wives.

- Can you teach me to make cupcakes?
- All right. I want to lick the beaters.

I got her champagne.
What does a guy have to do?

Eighty-six the chump stuff.

It's time to win Leela's heart with
a showy, three-point romantic gesture.

Maybe this is the moment
to show her my real surprise.

- Fry, what are you doing?
- Time to boogie on down to the sauna.

I've been studying how to pilot.
Impressed?

Yeah, actually. You're doing okay.

The reactor temperature is nominal.
The blinker's off.

I learned to work the gravity pump too,
in case we need it.

- So are we dating now?
- Is that what this is all about?

Please, cut it out now.

I know there's some perfect thing
I can do to make you love me.

- When I figure out what it is...
- I don't wanna hurt you...

...but there is absolutely, positively
no way that you and I will ever...

- man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

[LEELA GROANS]

[GROUP CHEERING]

Yes.

[CROWD CHEERING]

DR. ZOIDBERG:
He looks radiant.

Bubblegum, we failed.
The time skips haven't stopped.

Even in these formal shorts,
I feel like a failure.

You tricked me into marrying you,
didn't you?

Of course not.

- How'd you do it? Drugs? Hypnosis?
- No, drugs are for losers.

And hypnosis is for losers
with big eyebrows.

I don't know what I did to make
you love me. But we're married now.

- We've got the rest of our lives...
- The divorce is final.

- What?
- Let's divide up the china.

I'll take the NFC helmets,
and you can have the AFC.

Fine. Break my heart again.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
You lost the woman of your dreams...

...but you still have Zoidberg.
You all still have Zoidberg.

How did I get Leela to love me?
I've got to figure it out.

Maybe you're just a fantastic lover.

- No.
- I don't know what I'm doing.

Maybe she'd come back if
I were a Globetrotter.

- What do you say, Bubblegum?
- Hell, no.

Ooh...

It's hopeless. I did something
so great it won Leela's heart...

...and I'll never, ever know
what it was. My life is empty.

Zoidberg.

No wonder we failed. Diverting
Cronotons is mathematically impossible.

I knew I should have checked
your showboating algebra.

I thought you knew
that algebra was all razzmatazz.

A Globetrotter always saves the good
algebra for the final minutes.

BENDER:
Vintage Bubblegum.

The time skips are worse. Isolated
spots are jumping by years. Look.

Stupid senior citizens!

Why should we pay for their benefits?
I deserve free money!

I'm stumped. We'll have to call in the
finest scientific minds in the univer...

We could explode the whole nebula.
What do you think, Curly Joe?

An explosion big enough to destroy that
mama would take out half the universe.

You got to Globetrotter that explosion
up a little. Make it an implosion.

By God, Sweet Clyde is right.

An implosion might form a black hole
that'd stop Cronotons from escaping.

Whoa, slow that
brain train down, prof.

We'd need some kind
of doomsday device.

Doomsday device? Now the ball's
in Farnsworth's court.

I suppose I could part with one
and still be feared.

Give me some skin, prof. I'm making
you an honorary Globetrotter.

In fact, everybody in this room's
an honorary Globetrotter.

I'm a Globetrotter!

- Did you say...?
- Too late, hot plate.

Crap!

[BEEPING]

We must leave now, for we are needed
elsewhere. But we wish you Godspeed.

Please. Please let me come with you.
I can make myself taller.

You can talk trash.
You can handle the ball.

But ask yourself, are you funky
enough to be a Globetrotter?

- Are you?
- Yes.

- Are you?
- I mean, with time my funk level...

- Are you?
- No.

Deal with it.

[BEEPING]

[GASPS]

- Careful with that doomsday device.
- What does it matter?

I'll never be a Globetrotter.

My life, and, by extension,
everyone else's, is meaningless.

LEELA:
Roger.

Leela, I don't know what
I did to make you love me.

I don't think I tricked you,
but maybe I did.

- And if I did, I'm sorry.
- It's okay, Fry.

- You know we'll always be friends.
- Yeah.

I don't guess anything I do will make
you feel for me the way I feel for you.

I guess not.

The doomsday device is ready.

Maybe blasting this space into a storm
of nothingness will cheer me up.

Okay, let me just take
the ship out to a safe distance.

Actually, I think I'll go
and prep the detonator.

Fry, why don't you take the helm.

She's so great.

I almost remember the thing
I did to make her love me.

But I never will.

Sorry, buddy. I too know what it's like
to have a dream I'll never achieve.

[BENDER WHISTLES]

Oh!

LEELA: Detonation in three, two, one.
- No!

Did you see it?

- The explosion?
- No, not the explosion.

Then what?

Nothing.

[BENDER WHISTLES]