Futurama (1999–2013): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Honking - full transcript
When the inheritance Bender claims in the Old Country isn't quite what he expected, the Planet Express crew has to find the source of an age-old curse.
Amazon Women in the Mood
People, we got a problem.
Nibbler's been coughing up hairballs.
So has Fry. What's the big deal?
[NIBBLER COUGHS]
He's got me beat.
We all love Nibbler, so it's only fair
that we all clean up together.
Still, I propose we make Zoidberg
do it. All in favor?
Yeah, okay.
All opposed?
All abstaining?
Dr. Zoidberg, are you okay?
- He's dead.
- Oh, no!
He always seemed so full of life.
Laughing, singing, begging for scraps.
And now this!
Why with all the crying?
So, that's where I left my shell.
I didn't know it came off.
It was getting a little cramped,
so I molted, why not?
- The fresh air feels good.
- Stop doing that!
So long. I'm off to toss
this old shell in the dumpster...
...and maybe pick up the potato chips
Amy didn't finish.
- Those were toenail clippings.
- A feast is a feast.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hey, that's my cell phone!
Hello?
[HEAVY BREATHING]
Hello? Who is this?
Hello?
[PHONE CLICKS]
Did you swallow your phone again?
Some guy's been calling and hanging
up 10 times a day for a year.
Men who call too much
are the worst, I bet.
I wish a decent guy would call me.
Not this spleeze-ball who has me
too terrified to answer the phone.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
[HEAVY BREATHING]
AMY:
Hello? Is anyone there?
I love you!
Why must I be such a coward?
I'm off to the men's room,
and I need an attendant...
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're crying like a woman.
I see myself as a father figure
to some of my more pathetic men.
Kif, old friend, let's rap.
Well, I'm in love with this girl.
Oh, that's rich! Go on.
I met her a year ago...
...escaping from that cruise ship
you piloted into a black hole.
[SCREAMING]
ZAPP:
Yes, it was in all the papers.
Call me.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, mm-hm, uh-huh.
- I've finished talking.
- Belay that remark!
Your Amy knows my Leela?
I have formed an idea.
I want to negotiate a double date.
You and me, Kif and Amy.
Forget it!
Then let the negotiations begin.
I propose we go out on 10 dates.
- How about zero?
- Nine.
- Zero.
- Seven? Eight?
Please? Kif's the sweetest guy
who ever liked me.
Five, and that's my final offer.
Four!
- One.
- Two.
- Half.
- I'll take it.
We'll meet you for part of dinner
and half of a movie.
Sir? I don't go out on many dates.
What if I don't know what to say?
Here's my book of pickup lines.
Say as many as you can,
as fast as you can. Don't stop.
- I'll just give her these flowers.
- Wrong, wrong, wrong.
And what's that? Candy?
Candy's for dorks. Give me that.
Mm.
- Hello, beautiful. I got these for you.
- Thanks.
Well, well. This looks to be
one disturbingly erotic date.
Half-date.
- A bottle of wine.
- Half-bottle.
- And oysters on the half-shell.
- Quarter-shell.
- And I'd like...
- He's not hungry. It's expensive.
I'd like two steaks, and the ladies
will have sensual salads...
...with low-cal sensual dressing.
Oh, won 't you take me to funky town
Thank you.
Kif, you haven't said a word
all night.
Well, um, eh...
Hello.
Because I was really hoping
we could talk and stuff.
"If I said you had a beautiful body...
...would you take your pants off
and dance?"
- What?
- Lieutenant Kroker!
"I find the most erotic part
of a woman is the boobies."
- Kif!
- Oh, my.
This half-date is entirely over.
Amy? Conference.
Is there nothing we can do?
There's one way into a woman's heart
and parts beyond.
I speak, of course, of karaoke.
My years in the Duke Boys' Chorus
will not have been in vain.
All right, enough lipstick.
Let's storm out.
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Oh, that's so emotional!
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Amateur hour's over.
Let me show you why they call me
"The Velour Fog."
Hit it.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
I met her in a club
Down in old Soho
We would drink champagne
It'd taste just like Coca-Cola
C- O-L-A
Cola
MAN: Give us a break.
- He sickens me!
She walked up to me
And she asked me to dance
I asked her her name
And in a dark-brown voice she said
Leela
L- E-E-L-A
Leela
Lee-lee-lee-lee-Leela
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bum-bum
Dee-dee-dee, dee-dee-dee
[SCREAMING]
Leela!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bum-bum
We're going home.
Call us a space taxi.
No need. There's not a
restaurant built I can't fly.
Where to, ladies?
Please, sir.
Let's just divide up the check, and...
Let's see what this eatery can do.
She's built like a steak house,
but she handles like a bistro.
[THUMPING]
She's out of control!
You win again, gravity!
[SCREAMING]
Look! My new shell catalog!
So, let's try some on, already!
Ah, muy macho.
Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to
ruin your drinking water! Bang, bang!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm Mexican, and I find that offensive!
You Latins are so hot-blooded.
This one's like a summer guy!
The Planet Express health plan only
covers one kind of replacement shell.
Aw.
I can't believe Leela and Amy
aren't back.
I'm gonna call the restaurant.
[BEEPING]
The number you have dialed
has crashed into a planet.
- We gotta go rescue them!
- I don't know.
Bender, think of the se? Oritas!
V? Monos!
So, Amy...
- It's always a line with you.
- What planet is this?
- This whole sector is uncharted.
- It is not. You lost the chart.
Well, nothing to do but repopulate
the human race, just me and you.
And maybe you.
[THUMPING]
What is it?
- Me hear people, but me not see.
- Everybody make mistake.
Well, hello.
I usually don't say this...
...but you are the most beautiful trio
of gigantic ladies I've ever seen.
[GROWLING]
I find the most erotic part
of a woman is the boo...
[SCREAMING]
[ALARM BEEPS]
Oh, no.
Any sign of Leela or Amy?
No, but what do you make of this?
I don't know, but it might have
something to do with this.
Oh, your God!
AMAZON 1:
Move. Go.
All right. Here's the plan.
[GRUNTING]
What kind of moronic plan is that?
Wow.
Women go free. Men stay in chains.
We take them to our leader.
She know what do.
A female leader?
- Fry, shut up!
- Yes, captain.
This capital city, planet Amazonia.
- Where are all the men?
- Men die out many year ago.
They were probably nagged to death.
Are you with me, fellas?
[LAUGHING STOPS]
Here stadium, where women
basketball teams play.
- No can dunk, but good fundamentals.
- That more fun to watch.
Oh, God, you're killing me.
God, you're killing me!
This our comedy club.
Humor different here.
It not reinforce stereotypes.
Comedy come from character,
not abstract craziness.
Translation: Boring.
That's a good one.
Ow!
- This planet sounds better and better.
- I'm already looking for apartments.
AMAZON 1: Here live all-knowing
leader. She decide men's fates.
- Is she hot?
- Not important. She all-knowing.
In other words, no.
Oh!
- All hail Fem-puter.
- All hail Fem-puter!
- You obey a big computer?
- Yes. It appeared at time men die out.
- Why did you make it your leader?
- It different kind of politician.
Not beltway insider.
Fem-puter, we bring offering
of bath beads and scented soaps.
Your gift pleases Fem-puter.
Why are there men on her planet?!
- It was an accident.
- That does not fem-pute.
Fem-puter will return
after deciding your punishment!
I'm through making fun of women.
I want them to help me.
Should we do something?
[CHOKES]
There's no hurry.
Yes. A little tighter.
Tighter.
Perhaps a hard spanking is in order?
Too hard!
- Men strange. You have them?
- I'm afraid so.
What they for?
[WHISPERS]
Oh. You mean snu-snu!
[CHATTERING]
We hear tell men used for snu-snu.
All we have go on are ancient legend
and subscription to Cosmo.
FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.
Silence! You want die
like last men visit Amazonia?
- What did they die of?
- Crushed pelvises.
- Yes!
- Thank you, Lord in heaven!
FEM-PUTER: After lengthy fem-putations,
I have decided the fate of the men.
Fem-puter sentences them to death...
...by snu-snu!
- Yeah!
What are you, gay?
Death to the men!
Death by snu-snu!
- But the snu-snu part will be good.
- Baby, it'll blow your mind.
Be reasonable.
Sure, men are annoying,
and they wreck their planets.
But these men are sort of my friends.
They don't deserve to die.
Hm. Perhaps men are not as evil
as Fem-puter thinks.
They make fun women's basketball.
What?! Did you explain how
good fundamentals make up...
...for their inability to dunk?
- Yes. They still laugh.
- The men must die!
- Too true, Fem-puter. You're so wise.
Kill 'em all. Good riddance.
Did I mention I'm not a man?
I'm a manbot.
Understandable mistake.
You can let me down.
- He big jerk like man.
- Sure, but check the crotch. Nothing.
Very well. Release him.
As for the others, take them
to the snu-snu chambers.
- I'll miss you, meat bag.
- Me too, meat bag.
I never thought I'd die like this,
but I'd always really hoped.
FEM-PUTER: The Amazonians will be
divided into three groups.
The one called Zapp will be
snu-snu'd by the large women.
He that is designated Fry will be
snu-snu'd by the petite women.
And Kif,
as the most attractive male...
... will be snu-snu'd by the most
beautiful women of Amazonia.
Then the large women.
Then the petite women.
Then the large women again.
Initiate snu-snu!
Before I die, I have to tell you I
didn't mean to say those awful things.
- They were all Zapp's idea.
- Really? Honest and true?
Yes. And that person calling
and hanging up was me.
I was just too nervous to say hello
because I love you!
Oh, Kif!
It Og's first time. Be gentle!
We've got to do something.
You can interface with the fem-puter
and reprogram it.
Maybe you can interface with my ass.
By biting it!
[SPEAKS CHINESE]
All right, I'll go.
[SPEAKS CHINESE]
[GROANING]
- Whoo, yeah!
- Oh, baby!
[GROANING]
- How Tonk look?
- Tonk look good. Me fat.
No, you look good. Tonk fat.
Intruder! Stay away from
the mighty Fem-puter! Guards!
Time to override the CPU
and reprogram this fem-puter.
Stop it. Stop it!
Cut that out.
Cease hitting Fem-puter.
You're no fem-puter,
you're a fembot.
It's true. I disguised myself
so I could rule the Amazonians.
- But why?
- Why? Why?
I came here from a faraway planet.
A planet ruled by a chauvinistic
man-puter that was really a manbot.
Have you any idea how it feels
to be a fembot...
...in a manbot's man-puter's world?
- What?
And now, meddling manbot, there's
the question of what to do with you.
[YELLS]
[MUTTERING]
We need rest. The spirit is willing,
but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
- It time snu-snu!
- Can't we just cuddle?
- No!
- Oh.
We can't wait for Bender.
It's time for a woman's touch.
Hee-ya! Oh! Ya! Hee-yoo! Ya! Ya!
Ow!
Me next snu-snu! Out me way!
Where go beautiful man?
Me want snu-snu!
- Kif, jump!
- My hero.
OG:
Me not get snu-snu. Get him!
Mighty Fem-puter!
Small girl steal green kissy-man.
- We kill her now?
- Come back later. Leave me alone.
BENDER:
Yeah, get lost!
[LAUGHING]
Whoo, I'm a scary fem-puter.
Release the prisoners.
- And bring gold. Lots of gold.
- Why Fem-puter want gold?
FEM-PUTER:
You heard the man.
[MOANING]
BENDER:
Come on, give me some of that.
That's how I got my new shell.
It looks just like the one I threw out.
I found it in the same dumpster,
but this one had a live raccoon in it.
Pretty good story, eh?
Stick to someone else,
you windy barnacle!
The battle of the sexes
was only resolved...
...when a manbot and a fembot
realized they loved each other.
Yeah. By the way, if she calls,
I'm not here.
All I know is, this gold says
that was the best mission ever.
- It sure was.
- Oh, yeah.
I had snu-snu.
So, Amy?
What do you want to do now?
[WHISPERS]
People, we got a problem.
Nibbler's been coughing up hairballs.
So has Fry. What's the big deal?
[NIBBLER COUGHS]
He's got me beat.
We all love Nibbler, so it's only fair
that we all clean up together.
Still, I propose we make Zoidberg
do it. All in favor?
Yeah, okay.
All opposed?
All abstaining?
Dr. Zoidberg, are you okay?
- He's dead.
- Oh, no!
He always seemed so full of life.
Laughing, singing, begging for scraps.
And now this!
Why with all the crying?
So, that's where I left my shell.
I didn't know it came off.
It was getting a little cramped,
so I molted, why not?
- The fresh air feels good.
- Stop doing that!
So long. I'm off to toss
this old shell in the dumpster...
...and maybe pick up the potato chips
Amy didn't finish.
- Those were toenail clippings.
- A feast is a feast.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hey, that's my cell phone!
Hello?
[HEAVY BREATHING]
Hello? Who is this?
Hello?
[PHONE CLICKS]
Did you swallow your phone again?
Some guy's been calling and hanging
up 10 times a day for a year.
Men who call too much
are the worst, I bet.
I wish a decent guy would call me.
Not this spleeze-ball who has me
too terrified to answer the phone.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
[HEAVY BREATHING]
AMY:
Hello? Is anyone there?
I love you!
Why must I be such a coward?
I'm off to the men's room,
and I need an attendant...
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're crying like a woman.
I see myself as a father figure
to some of my more pathetic men.
Kif, old friend, let's rap.
Well, I'm in love with this girl.
Oh, that's rich! Go on.
I met her a year ago...
...escaping from that cruise ship
you piloted into a black hole.
[SCREAMING]
ZAPP:
Yes, it was in all the papers.
Call me.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, mm-hm, uh-huh.
- I've finished talking.
- Belay that remark!
Your Amy knows my Leela?
I have formed an idea.
I want to negotiate a double date.
You and me, Kif and Amy.
Forget it!
Then let the negotiations begin.
I propose we go out on 10 dates.
- How about zero?
- Nine.
- Zero.
- Seven? Eight?
Please? Kif's the sweetest guy
who ever liked me.
Five, and that's my final offer.
Four!
- One.
- Two.
- Half.
- I'll take it.
We'll meet you for part of dinner
and half of a movie.
Sir? I don't go out on many dates.
What if I don't know what to say?
Here's my book of pickup lines.
Say as many as you can,
as fast as you can. Don't stop.
- I'll just give her these flowers.
- Wrong, wrong, wrong.
And what's that? Candy?
Candy's for dorks. Give me that.
Mm.
- Hello, beautiful. I got these for you.
- Thanks.
Well, well. This looks to be
one disturbingly erotic date.
Half-date.
- A bottle of wine.
- Half-bottle.
- And oysters on the half-shell.
- Quarter-shell.
- And I'd like...
- He's not hungry. It's expensive.
I'd like two steaks, and the ladies
will have sensual salads...
...with low-cal sensual dressing.
Oh, won 't you take me to funky town
Thank you.
Kif, you haven't said a word
all night.
Well, um, eh...
Hello.
Because I was really hoping
we could talk and stuff.
"If I said you had a beautiful body...
...would you take your pants off
and dance?"
- What?
- Lieutenant Kroker!
"I find the most erotic part
of a woman is the boobies."
- Kif!
- Oh, my.
This half-date is entirely over.
Amy? Conference.
Is there nothing we can do?
There's one way into a woman's heart
and parts beyond.
I speak, of course, of karaoke.
My years in the Duke Boys' Chorus
will not have been in vain.
All right, enough lipstick.
Let's storm out.
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Oh, that's so emotional!
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Amateur hour's over.
Let me show you why they call me
"The Velour Fog."
Hit it.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
I met her in a club
Down in old Soho
We would drink champagne
It'd taste just like Coca-Cola
C- O-L-A
Cola
MAN: Give us a break.
- He sickens me!
She walked up to me
And she asked me to dance
I asked her her name
And in a dark-brown voice she said
Leela
L- E-E-L-A
Leela
Lee-lee-lee-lee-Leela
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bum-bum
Dee-dee-dee, dee-dee-dee
[SCREAMING]
Leela!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bum-bum
We're going home.
Call us a space taxi.
No need. There's not a
restaurant built I can't fly.
Where to, ladies?
Please, sir.
Let's just divide up the check, and...
Let's see what this eatery can do.
She's built like a steak house,
but she handles like a bistro.
[THUMPING]
She's out of control!
You win again, gravity!
[SCREAMING]
Look! My new shell catalog!
So, let's try some on, already!
Ah, muy macho.
Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to
ruin your drinking water! Bang, bang!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm Mexican, and I find that offensive!
You Latins are so hot-blooded.
This one's like a summer guy!
The Planet Express health plan only
covers one kind of replacement shell.
Aw.
I can't believe Leela and Amy
aren't back.
I'm gonna call the restaurant.
[BEEPING]
The number you have dialed
has crashed into a planet.
- We gotta go rescue them!
- I don't know.
Bender, think of the se? Oritas!
V? Monos!
So, Amy...
- It's always a line with you.
- What planet is this?
- This whole sector is uncharted.
- It is not. You lost the chart.
Well, nothing to do but repopulate
the human race, just me and you.
And maybe you.
[THUMPING]
What is it?
- Me hear people, but me not see.
- Everybody make mistake.
Well, hello.
I usually don't say this...
...but you are the most beautiful trio
of gigantic ladies I've ever seen.
[GROWLING]
I find the most erotic part
of a woman is the boo...
[SCREAMING]
[ALARM BEEPS]
Oh, no.
Any sign of Leela or Amy?
No, but what do you make of this?
I don't know, but it might have
something to do with this.
Oh, your God!
AMAZON 1:
Move. Go.
All right. Here's the plan.
[GRUNTING]
What kind of moronic plan is that?
Wow.
Women go free. Men stay in chains.
We take them to our leader.
She know what do.
A female leader?
- Fry, shut up!
- Yes, captain.
This capital city, planet Amazonia.
- Where are all the men?
- Men die out many year ago.
They were probably nagged to death.
Are you with me, fellas?
[LAUGHING STOPS]
Here stadium, where women
basketball teams play.
- No can dunk, but good fundamentals.
- That more fun to watch.
Oh, God, you're killing me.
God, you're killing me!
This our comedy club.
Humor different here.
It not reinforce stereotypes.
Comedy come from character,
not abstract craziness.
Translation: Boring.
That's a good one.
Ow!
- This planet sounds better and better.
- I'm already looking for apartments.
AMAZON 1: Here live all-knowing
leader. She decide men's fates.
- Is she hot?
- Not important. She all-knowing.
In other words, no.
Oh!
- All hail Fem-puter.
- All hail Fem-puter!
- You obey a big computer?
- Yes. It appeared at time men die out.
- Why did you make it your leader?
- It different kind of politician.
Not beltway insider.
Fem-puter, we bring offering
of bath beads and scented soaps.
Your gift pleases Fem-puter.
Why are there men on her planet?!
- It was an accident.
- That does not fem-pute.
Fem-puter will return
after deciding your punishment!
I'm through making fun of women.
I want them to help me.
Should we do something?
[CHOKES]
There's no hurry.
Yes. A little tighter.
Tighter.
Perhaps a hard spanking is in order?
Too hard!
- Men strange. You have them?
- I'm afraid so.
What they for?
[WHISPERS]
Oh. You mean snu-snu!
[CHATTERING]
We hear tell men used for snu-snu.
All we have go on are ancient legend
and subscription to Cosmo.
FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.
Silence! You want die
like last men visit Amazonia?
- What did they die of?
- Crushed pelvises.
- Yes!
- Thank you, Lord in heaven!
FEM-PUTER: After lengthy fem-putations,
I have decided the fate of the men.
Fem-puter sentences them to death...
...by snu-snu!
- Yeah!
What are you, gay?
Death to the men!
Death by snu-snu!
- But the snu-snu part will be good.
- Baby, it'll blow your mind.
Be reasonable.
Sure, men are annoying,
and they wreck their planets.
But these men are sort of my friends.
They don't deserve to die.
Hm. Perhaps men are not as evil
as Fem-puter thinks.
They make fun women's basketball.
What?! Did you explain how
good fundamentals make up...
...for their inability to dunk?
- Yes. They still laugh.
- The men must die!
- Too true, Fem-puter. You're so wise.
Kill 'em all. Good riddance.
Did I mention I'm not a man?
I'm a manbot.
Understandable mistake.
You can let me down.
- He big jerk like man.
- Sure, but check the crotch. Nothing.
Very well. Release him.
As for the others, take them
to the snu-snu chambers.
- I'll miss you, meat bag.
- Me too, meat bag.
I never thought I'd die like this,
but I'd always really hoped.
FEM-PUTER: The Amazonians will be
divided into three groups.
The one called Zapp will be
snu-snu'd by the large women.
He that is designated Fry will be
snu-snu'd by the petite women.
And Kif,
as the most attractive male...
... will be snu-snu'd by the most
beautiful women of Amazonia.
Then the large women.
Then the petite women.
Then the large women again.
Initiate snu-snu!
Before I die, I have to tell you I
didn't mean to say those awful things.
- They were all Zapp's idea.
- Really? Honest and true?
Yes. And that person calling
and hanging up was me.
I was just too nervous to say hello
because I love you!
Oh, Kif!
It Og's first time. Be gentle!
We've got to do something.
You can interface with the fem-puter
and reprogram it.
Maybe you can interface with my ass.
By biting it!
[SPEAKS CHINESE]
All right, I'll go.
[SPEAKS CHINESE]
[GROANING]
- Whoo, yeah!
- Oh, baby!
[GROANING]
- How Tonk look?
- Tonk look good. Me fat.
No, you look good. Tonk fat.
Intruder! Stay away from
the mighty Fem-puter! Guards!
Time to override the CPU
and reprogram this fem-puter.
Stop it. Stop it!
Cut that out.
Cease hitting Fem-puter.
You're no fem-puter,
you're a fembot.
It's true. I disguised myself
so I could rule the Amazonians.
- But why?
- Why? Why?
I came here from a faraway planet.
A planet ruled by a chauvinistic
man-puter that was really a manbot.
Have you any idea how it feels
to be a fembot...
...in a manbot's man-puter's world?
- What?
And now, meddling manbot, there's
the question of what to do with you.
[YELLS]
[MUTTERING]
We need rest. The spirit is willing,
but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
- It time snu-snu!
- Can't we just cuddle?
- No!
- Oh.
We can't wait for Bender.
It's time for a woman's touch.
Hee-ya! Oh! Ya! Hee-yoo! Ya! Ya!
Ow!
Me next snu-snu! Out me way!
Where go beautiful man?
Me want snu-snu!
- Kif, jump!
- My hero.
OG:
Me not get snu-snu. Get him!
Mighty Fem-puter!
Small girl steal green kissy-man.
- We kill her now?
- Come back later. Leave me alone.
BENDER:
Yeah, get lost!
[LAUGHING]
Whoo, I'm a scary fem-puter.
Release the prisoners.
- And bring gold. Lots of gold.
- Why Fem-puter want gold?
FEM-PUTER:
You heard the man.
[MOANING]
BENDER:
Come on, give me some of that.
That's how I got my new shell.
It looks just like the one I threw out.
I found it in the same dumpster,
but this one had a live raccoon in it.
Pretty good story, eh?
Stick to someone else,
you windy barnacle!
The battle of the sexes
was only resolved...
...when a manbot and a fembot
realized they loved each other.
Yeah. By the way, if she calls,
I'm not here.
All I know is, this gold says
that was the best mission ever.
- It sure was.
- Oh, yeah.
I had snu-snu.
So, Amy?
What do you want to do now?
[WHISPERS]