Futurama (1999–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - I, Roommate - full transcript

Hey!

Fry, mon, if you're going
to be living in the office...

you could at least
be on time for work.

I'm sorry.

I was up really late
poking through people's desks.

All right, people...

I will now outline
today's 12-point agenda.

We'll begin with point one...

...concerning our pest problem.

Somebody's been leaving food around...

and it's attracting owls.



And I, for one, am getting tired
of cleaning those owl traps.

Now...

as this shocking graph indicates...

our water consumption
has tripled in the last month.

I notice Fry has been here
for a month...

so I'm appointing him
head of a committee...

to find who's responsible.

Fry?

Am I cracking up...

or is Fry's living here...

starting to get in the way of bus...

What the hell are you doing?

You're getting
a huge dose of radiation.

And great lift.



Do you know how long
it's going to take me...

to recalibrate these engines?

Hey, when you
look this good...

you don't have
to know anything.

Professor, we need
to talk to you about Fry.

That's right!
We want some money!

Wait, what's this about Fry?

He's a nice guy...

but we think it's about time
he got his own place.

Oh, fuff.

He's not causing any trouble.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'm rather busy.

I seem to have mislaid
my alien mummy.

This sarcophagus
should contain the remains...

of Emperor Nimbala, who ruled...

Zuben Five
over 29 million years ago.

Hey, Professor.

Mmm. Great jerky.

Mmm.

My God, this is an outrage.

I was going to eat that mummy.

Fry has got to go.

Bachelor Chow... Now with flavor.

...and Bigfoot is down!

Sheesh. 40,000 channels...

and only 150 of them
have anything good on.

All My Circuits is brought to you by...

Robo Fresh.

Designed by a robot for a robot.

I've been processing this
for some time, Monique...

and, well... will
you marry me?

Oh, Calculon!

It fits!

Then you must know that I'm...

Metric? I've always known.

But for you, my darling,
I'm willing to convert.

Hmm, must be a friend of theirs.

Fry, we've got to discuss
your living arrangements.

We've all talked it over, and...

Hey, All My Circuits.

Move over.

Ah!

Fry, sometimes in close quarters...

people do inconsiderate things
without realizing it.

I know, but I forgive you.

No, Fry, by "close quarters"

I mean this office.

Uh-huh.

And by "people," I mean you.

Right.

And by "inconsiderate," I mean...

Leela, we're trying to watch TV.

Yeah. Would you kindly
shut your noise hole?

So who's that weird-looking guy?

That's a human.

What's he do?

Usual human stuff.

He laughs, he learns, he loves.

Boring.

Calculon?
I thought you were in a coma.

That's what
I wanted you to think...

with your soft, human brain.

Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?

We'll bill you for the couch.

Cheer up, meat bag.

You barely touched your amoeba.

It looked good
but I just don't feel like eating.

You want it?

Nah, I'm trying
to watch my input.

I need plenty of wholesome,
nutritious alcohol.

The chemical energy
keeps my fuel cells charged.

What are the cigars for?

They make me look cool.

Oh, I can't believe
they threw me out like that.

I must have been
really acting like a jerk.

Yeah, but everybody's a jerk...
you, me, this jerk.

That's my philosophy.

So, where are you going to stay?

Oh, I don't know.

Do refrigerators still come
in cardboard boxes?

Yeah, but the rents
are outrageous.

Why don't you
just come move in with me?

Really? That would be great!

Y-You sure I won't be imposing?

Nah. I've always wanted a pet.

Here we are... your new home.

Cool. You know,
I've never even seen...

a robot's apartment before.

Come on in.
I'll give you the tour.

Let's see, where to start.

Okay. This is the TV area...

that over there
is the breakfast nook...

and over here
is where you'll be living...

which is great, 'cause till now
it's just been wasted space.

It's kind of cramped in here.

I don't even have room
to hang my clothes.

Look, pal, you've only got
one set of clothes...

and you're not taking them off
while I'm here.

Well, I'm bushed. Good night.

Wait. Bender? Bender?

Kill all humans. Kill all humans.

Must kill all...

Bender, wake up!

I was having
the most wonderful dream.

I think you were in it.

Uh... uh, listen, Bender, uh...

where's your bathroom?

- Bath what?
- Bathroom.

- What room?
- Bathroom.

What, what?

Ah, never mind.

Mmm.

Hey, sexy mama...

want to kill all humans?

We sure are cheerful this morning.

Yeah, this past week with Fry's
been a blast.

You know, beneath his warm,
sunny exterior...

beats the cold, mechanical heart
of a robot.

What happened to you?

Oh, it's Bender's apartment.

He put in carpeting yesterday
and now my head hits the ceiling.

Hey, do you realize you're
standing at a weird angle?

Now you're okay.

Look at yourself... you're a wreck.

You've got to find
a new place to live.

Is that an invitation?

Love your optimism, Fry.

But seriously, you've got to
tell Bender you're moving out.

Yeah, but he might get
kind of upset.

I don't think
I can do that to him.

Hey, there's my little space heater.

Well, I'm moving out.

What?!

I'm sorry, Bender...

but there's just
not enough room.

Not enough room?

My place is two cubic meters...

and we only take up
1.5 cubic meters.

We've got room for a whole
'nother two-thirds of a person.

What if I just help
the two of you find a bigger apartment?

I don't know.

I've got a lot of great memories
in my old place.

And now they're gone.

Sure, it ain't one of them
la-de-da above-ground places...

but if you like dank...
forget about it.

At least it's got a great view.

- Aah!
- What the...

'Scuse me. I got to go
change a lightbulb.

Wow. Now, this is fantastic.

Hmm, I'm not sure
we want to pay...

for a dimension we're
not going to use.

Aah! Ooh! Ee!
Ooh! Oh! Aah! Ee!

Ooh! Aah! Ee! Aah!
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ee! Aah!

Ooh! Ee! Ooh!

Well, I give up...
what's the catch?

Oh, no catch.

Although
we are technically in New Jersey.

Not one place even
remotely livable.

Oh, how awful.

Did he at least die painlessly?

To shreds, you say.

Well, how is his wife holding up?

To shreds, you say.

Very well, then.

Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news...

about my colleague, Dr. Mobutu.

Was his apartment rent controlled?

Wow. This is beautiful.

What's with all the crap?

It's not crap.

Dr. Mobutu collected this crap...

while he was exploring
the whatchacallit... universe.

Well, this place has everything except
the only thing I care about... a TV.

It's got a TV, you young
whatchacallit... idiot.

Ooh.

Whoa, slow down.

This place just
doesn't feel like home.

It just isn't... cozy.

Ah...

I can barely move.

It's perfect!

Man, it's a total sty.

For the first time
in 1,000 years...

I feel like I'm home.

Yeah, it's going
to be fun on a bun.

You know, Fry,
of all the friends I've had...

you're the first.

Hey, mon.

Happy housewarming, Fry.

It's a miniature fruit salad tree.

Ooh.

Wah!

- Hey, Amy.
- Hey.

This is for you, Fry...

Zevulon the great.

He's teriyaki-style.

Wow. Heavy-drinking crowd.

I'd better go out for more beer.

Hang on. All My Circuits
is about to start.

I know, but I need alcohol
to power up my batteries.

If Calculon's wedding
doesn't go just right...

I'll be emotionally
and electrically drained.

Hey...

These are mighty tasty.

Thank you.
I made them myself.

Shh. The wedding's about to start.

If anyone here
objects to this union...

let them speak now
or forever hold their...

Is he objecting or backing up?

Looks like both.

I'm afraid
my half-brother is correct.

You see, I have a terrible secret...

and that secret is...

Oh, come on!

Oh, fix it.

Hey, what happened to the TV?

It just went out.

This is an outrage.
I'm going to go yell at the manager.

All right!

Come back, Bender! It's working!

To reiterate,
my terrible secret is...

It's out again.

What? That's the last straw.

It's back on!

Pardon me.

I don't mean to pry into
what you're doing in here...

with the crab and the one-eyed
lady and the Chinese girl...

but everyone on this floor is having
trouble with their TV reception.

Yeah, and you better
get rid of whatever's causing it...

or we're out of this dump.

Relax, Sonny.

This cajigger'll find
the source of the interference.

We want our TV back.

There's your problem.

Oh, my God.
Bender, it's your thingy.

You people are nuts.

My antenna never interfered
with my old TV.

You had cable. This is satellite.

Obviously, your thoughts...

are being transmitted
on the same frequency.

They're on my cell phone, too.

Madame, I believe
you're mistaken.

Wow, that lady's got a huge ass.

Those could be anyone's
thoughts, fat-ass.

The robot has to go.

Yeah!

Well, you heard the mob.

Fine. Come on, Fry.

Let's move to that apartment...

that smelled like a sewer.

You liked that one, right?

Oh, it's tempting, but, well...

I am already
kind of settled in here.

Or we could live underground
with the mutants.

A little fire'll show them who's boss.

Uh... listen, is there maybe
some way we could do this...

with you going
and me not going?

I don't understand.

Well, you were going to
live in the closet anyway.

Won't you be just as happy
back in your old place?

But... then
we wouldn't be roommates.

I'll come visit sometime,
and you can visit me here.

No, he can't.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out.

This way we'll both be happy.

Happy. Yeah, that's Bender.

Always happy.

Hey, the TV's back on!

We are gathered to mourn...

the death of Calculon...

industrialist, private eye, friend.

Mind if I give the eulogy?

Calculon! You're alive!

Yay! Calculon's back!

Right. So long.

Good-bye.

Do you think Calculon's evil twin
will ever walk again?

I don't know, Amy.
I just don't know.

- Wah!
- Hey, thanks for coming.

Fry, you're Bender's best friend.

How could you let that mob
kick him out?

Aw, come on.
Bender loves mobs.

Only when he's in them,
and you know it.

You really hurt his feelings.

Don't girl me with that girl stuff.

Bender and me are guys.

Guys don't have feelings.

Bender's not a guy; he's a robot.

Same thing.

It's so big and empty.

My roommate's gone,
and all he left behind was...

an eyelash
and three skin flakes.

Aw... what's the point?!

Bender?

My God, you're a mess.

Leave me alone.

Look at that five o'clock rust.

You've been up all night
not drinking, haven't you?

Hey... what I don't do
is none of your business.

Please, Bender,
have some malt liquor...

If not for yourself, then
for the people who love you.

I hate the people who love me,
and they hate me.

Oh, now, look...

it's obvious you miss
being Fry's roommate...

but there's got to be a better way
to deal with this.

Like how,
having my antenna removed?

Well... if that would work.

Are you crazy?! That's little Bender
you're talking about.

I can't cut it off.

You're not a robot or a man,
so you wouldn't understand.

I got to get out of here.

Wait.

I want you to look me in the eye...

and promise you won't
get behind the wheel...

without some kind of alcoholic
beverage in your hand.

I promise nothing!

I don't even want to...

why is...

What up?

I can't just stand by and be silent
about Bender anymore.

Silent? You've been meddling
for two solid weeks.

Well, I can't just
do that anymore.

Your best friend is
out there somewhere...

destroying himself.

Really?

I didn't think he'd miss
this apartment that much.

He doesn't care
about the apartment.

He cares about you, and
you turned your back on him.

Oh, man, I had no idea.

If only I knew where he was,
I'd go talk to him.

Oh, stupid TV.

Bender.

You're blind stinking sober.

That's right.
I'm sober and crazy...

and I don't know
what I might do.

- Don't do it.
- I don't know what it is yet.

Oh, yeah, now I remember.

I thought I could live alone,
but I can't...

so I'm going to do what it takes
to be your roommate again.

Bender, stop.

Cutting Leela's head off
won't solve anything.

No, I'm going to
chop off my antenna.

Hey... yeah, that sounds good.

Can I give you a hand?

Fry, don't help him mutilate himself.

But it's a useless antenna.

It's not like he's
a ham radio or something.

I'm going to do it!

I'm really going to do it!

Don't try and stop me!

Here goes!

Ohh...

Hey, it worked.

The static's gone.

I hate that this came
between us, Calculon.

Me, too.

I'm filled with a large number of
powerful emotions.

You're my best friend.

I'm sorry I treated you so badly.

Apology accepted.

After all, you're only human.

You guys could learn a
lesson from those two.

She's right.

You're my best friend, Fry.

I'm sorry I treated you so badly.

Apology accepted.

After all, you're only human.

Wait a minute.

You did it all backwards.

Fry's the one who should be...

Oh, never mind.

Oh...

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

I guess I'm just going to
have to get used to being half a robot.

Aw, this isn't right.

Listen, Bender, if
we found your antenna...

could they still reattach it?

Maybe, if we get it on ice right away.

Bingo.

Hmm. You call that an antenna?

This time you'll have
all the human comforts.

We'll get a couple of toilets...

some food cookers,
maybe a puppy...

it's good to be home.

It sure is.

By the way, I saved your stuff.

So that's where
those skin flakes went.

Hmm. You think
this fruit tree's...

going to get enough light?

There's a window in the closet.

Whoa.

This is huge.

Bender, why don't
I just live in here?

In a closet?

Oh, humans.