Futurama (1999–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Space Pilot 3000 - full transcript

Space.

It seems
to go on and on forever...

but then you get to the end...

and a gorilla starts
throwing barrels at you.

And that's
how you play the game.

You stink, loser.

Hey, Fry!

Pizza going out.

Come on!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Michelle, baby,
where you going?



It's not working out, Fry.

I put your stuff out
on the sidewalk!

I hate my life.
I hate my life. I hate my life.

Happy New Year!

Hello! Pizza delivery!

For, uh...

"I.C. Wiener"?

Oh, crud.

I always thought
by this point in my life...

I'd be the one
making the crank calls.

Here's to another
lousy millennium.

Ten!

Neuf!

Otto!



Sabaa!

Eksi!

Wu!

Chaar!

Thathu!

Ni!

One!

What th...

Whew.

My God.

It's the future.

My parents.

My coworkers.

My girlfriend.

I'll never see
any of them again.

Ya-hoo!

Welcome!

To the world of tomorrow!

Why do you always
have to say it that way?

Haven't you ever heard of a
little thing called showmanship?

Come! Your destiny awaits!

Have a nice future.

Cool. Just like in Star Trek.

Oh!

Good afternoon, sir.

Mmm...

Name?

Uh... Fry.

I'm Leela.
Now, it's New Year's Eve...

so I'd like to decide your fate quickly
and get out of here.

Can I ask you a question?

As long as it's not about my eye.

Uh...

is it about my eye?

Sort of.

Just ask the question.

What's with the eye?

I'm an alien, all right?

Let's drop the subject.

Cool. An alien.

Has your race taken over the earth?

No. I just work here.

Wait a minute.

Is that blimp accurate?

Yup. It's December 31, 2999.

My God.

A million years.

I'm sure this must be
very upsetting for you.

You know, I guess it should be...

but actually I'm glad.

I had nothing to live
for in my old life.

I was broke.
I had a humiliating job...

and I was beginning to suspect...

my girlfriend
might be cheating on me.

Well, at least here
you'll be treated with dignity.

Now, strip naked and get
on the probulator.

Ooh!

Interesting.

Your DNA test shows
one living relative.

He's your great-great-
great-great-great-great-

great-great-great-
great-great nephew.

That's great. What's
the little guy's name?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth.

Ew.

You know, I'm the luckiest
guy in the whole future.

I've been given a second chance...

and this time, I'm not going
to be a total loser.

What's that?

Your permanent career assignment.

Delivery boy?

No! Not again.

Please, anything else.

Take your hands off me.

You've been assigned
the job you're best at...

just like everyone else.

What if I refuse?

- Then you'll be fired.
- Fine.

Out of a cannon
into the sun.

- But I don't like being a delivery boy.
- Well, that's tough.

Lots of people don't like their jobs
but we do them anyway.

"You gotta do
what you gotta do."

Now hold out your hand.

I'm going to implant
your career chip.

It'll permanently label you
as a delivery boy.

Keep that thing away from me.

Hold still, damn it!

I don't have
good depth perception.

You've got to the count of five
to let me out of here.

One...

See you in a thousand years.

You owe me one.

Whoa.

Radio City Mutant Hall.

Cool.

Uh, cross-town express.

Whoo-hoo!

Yaah...

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oomp!

Pfft.

Tourist.

Hey, a phone booth.

I can call my nephew.

Whoa. A real-live robot.

Or is that some kind
of cheesy New Year's costume?

Bite my shiny metal ass.

It doesn't look so shiny to me.

Shinier than yours, meat bag.

Listen, buddy, I'm
in a hurry here.

Let's try for a twofer.

Please select mode of death:

"Quick and painless"
or "slow and horrible."

Yeah, I'd like to
place a collect call.

You have selected
"slow and horrible."

Great choice.

Bring it on, baby!

Come on. Come on!
Kill me already.

By the way,
my name's Bender.

Help! What's happening?

You are now dead.

Thank you for using
Stop-And-Drop...

America's favorite
suicide booth since 2008.

Lousy, stinking rip-off.

Well, I didn't have anything
else planned for today.

Let's go get drunk.

Two, three... hey.

Welcome to the world of tomorrow.

Shut up, Terry.

This is unacceptable, Leela.

You must find this Mr. Fry
and install his chip.

Look, he's just a nobody...

who doesn't want
to be a delivery boy.

I'd really rather not
force it on him.

Well, that's your job
whether you like it or not...

and it's my job
to make you do your job...

whether I like it or not...

Which I do... very much.

Now, get to work!

Life is good.

Why would a robot need to drink?

I don't need to drink.

I can quit anytime I want.

So, they made you
a delivery boy, huh?

Man, that's as bad as my job.

Really? What do you do, Bender?

I'm a bender... I bend girders.

That's all I'm programmed to do.

You any good at it?

You kidding? I was a stud.

I could bend a girder
to any angle.

30 degrees...
32 degrees...

you name it.

31... but I couldn't
go on living...

once I found out...

what the girders were for.

What?

Suicide booths.

Well, Fry, it was
a pleasure meeting you.

I'm going to go kill myself.

Wait... you're the only friend I have.

You really want a robot for a friend?

Yeah, ever since I was six.

Well, okay.

But I don't want people thinking
we're robosexuals...

so if anyone asks,
you're my de-bugger.

Oh, no, it's the cyclops.

Don't look.
Don't look!

I'm not looking.

This is Officer 1 -B-D-I
requesting backup.

We'll be there in five minutes.

We can hide in here.

It's free on Tuesdays.

Welcome to the Head Museum.

I'm Leonard Nimoy.

Spock?

Hey, do the thing.

I don't do that anymore.

This is unbelievable.

What do you heads do all day?

We share our wisdom
with those who seek it.

It's a life of quiet dignity.

Feeding time.

Hmm...

I'm sorry, Fry...

but I have to install
your career chip.

Yeah, well if you're sorry
then why are you doing it?

It's my job.

You gotta do
what you gotta do.

Watch it.

That's it.

You just made my list.

Ow, ooh, ow, ow, ooh!

Stop it!

Down boy! Bad president.

All right, buddy,
step away from the head.

I'm going to get
24th century on his ass.

Please, officers,
there's no need to use force.

Let us handle this, weirdie.

Oh, come on.

He's just a poor kid
from the stupid ages.

Keep your big nose
out of this, eyeball.

No one makes fun of my nose.

Yee-aah!

Ooh!

Damn.

You guys were totally out of control.

That's our job.
We're peace officers.

Yeah, you know the law...

You gotta do
what you gotta do.

Oh, we're trapped.

Wait a second.

You're a bender, right?

We can get out of here...

if you just bend the bars.

Dream on, skin tube.

I'm only programmed to bend
for constructive purposes.

What do I look like?
A de-bender?

Who cares what you're
programmed for.

If someone programmed you
to jump off a bridge would you do it?

I'll have to check my program.

Yep.

Open up.

Come on, Bender.
It's up to you...

to make
your own decisions in life.

That's what separates
people and robots...

from animals
and animal robots.

You're full of crap, Fry.

You make
a persuasive argument, Fry.

Come on, Bender.

You can do it.

Can't...

I can't do it.

Yes!

You were right, Fry.

From now on,
I'm going to bend what I want...

when I want, who I want.

I am unstoppable!

Aah.

I don't know how you did that.

Yee-aah!

- Wait!
- No, thanks.

Looks like one of us
will have to bend this grate.

Oh.

Good lord.

What is this?

It's the decaying ruins
of old New York.

Welcome home, pal.

It's my old neighborhood.

Man, this brings back
a lot of memories.

Keep 'em to yourself, pops.

This is where
I brought my girlfriend...

on our very first date.

My God. She's gone.

Everyone I ever knew
or cared about is gone.

Wait. There's someone you know.

Oh... can't you leave me alone?

I'm miserable enough already.

Look, I know it's
not much consolation...

but I understand how you feel.

No, you don't.
I've got no home, no family.

No friends.

My whole world is gone.

You can't possibly understand...

what it feels like to be so alone.

I understand.

I'm the only one-eyed alien
on this whole planet.

My parents abandoned me here
as a baby...

and I don't even know
what galaxy they were from.

I know how it feels to be alone.

Look, Leela...

I don't understand this world,
but... you obviously do...

so I give up.

If you really think I should
be a delivery boy, I'll do it.

Your chip.

What are you doing?

Quitting.

Why?

Because I've always wanted to.

I just never realized it
until I met you.

What is the matter with you?

I just wanted to be
part of the moment.

- Hey! He stole my ring.
- Sorry.

Well, that solves the mystery
of the missing ring.

This calls for a drink.

I don't want to spoil the party...

but we're all job deserters now.

We're unemployed
and we have nowhere to go.

We're unemployed...

but we have a doddering old
relative to mooch off of.

Hello. I'm Dick Clark's head.

Welcome to a special
year 3000 edition...

of New Year's Rockin' Eve.

Who are you?

I'm your dear old Uncle Fry.

I don't have an Uncle Fry.

You do now.

By God, I am your nephew.

This is absolutely incredible.

Can we have some money?

Oh, my, no.

Let me show you around.

That's my lab table and
this is my work stool...

and over there is my
intergalactic spaceship...

and here's where I keep
assorted lengths of wire.

Whoa.

A real live spaceship.

I designed it myself.

Let me show you...

some of the different
lengths of wire I used.

Attention, job deserters!

Come out with your hands up!

We have you partially surrounded.

No!

Get those bums.

Well, we're boned.

Can't we get away in the ship?

I suppose it is technically possible...

though I am already in my pajamas.

I'll get us out of here.

Can anyone drive stick?

I can...

As long as I don't
have to parallel park.

If they try to take off,
give 'em an ass full of laser.

Prepare for liftoff.

Ten...

Nine!

Amania!

Seven!

Five!

Four.

Three.

Two.

One!

Blast off!

Happy New Year!

Fire. Fire!

I can't see nothin'.

Pretty, though.

W-Wha... Hey, hey! Whoa!

Phew.

Yeah!

So, I guess without jobs,
we'll be fugitives forever.

Not necessarily.

Are you three, by any chance...

interested in becoming
my new spaceship crew?

New crew?

Well, what happened
to the old crew?

Oh, those poor sons of...
But that's not important.

The important thing is,
I need a new crew.

Anyone interested?

Yes. Yes!

That's exactly the job
I've always wanted.

Thanks for the offer, Professor...

but we don't have the
proper career chips.

Oh, that won't be a problem.

As luck would have it,
I saved the chips...

from my previous crew.

This is awesome.

Are we going to fly through space...

fighting monsters and teaching
alien women to love?

If by that you mean
transporting cargo, then yes.

It's a little home business
I started to fund my research.

Cool. What's my job going to be?

You'll be responsible
for ensuring that the cargo...

reaches its destination.

So... I'm going to be a...
delivery boy?

Exactly.

All right!

I'm a delivery boy!