Fuller House (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Ghosted - full transcript

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy,
the evening TV? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart,
a hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look,
everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪



♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there,
and you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Did you know we have a dryer, too?

Kimmy, what's all that?

I have entered the lucrative world
of kids' parties.

I've got two lined up,
and Stephanie is my entertainer.

Oh, I don't know, Kimmy.
I'm having second thoughts.

-I've never really performed for children.
-You'll be fine.

Besides, it'll be great practice
for connecting with kids.

Your bun is not gonna be in my oven
forever.



So I guess I have to come up with
some sappy-sweet character, right?

That's a kids' performer's
bread and butter.

Also, you might wanna bring
some bread and butter.

I don't feed the help.

Well, this better be worth all the fuss.

Here's what it pays.

Ooh, well, that's a buttload of fuss.

Hey, girls. Do you want a snack?

Oh. Hold on.
Already got it covered.

-Who likes tapas?
-We do.

Remember,
we're not doing carbs this week.

You're serious.

We're meeting up later at Burt's Burgers.

Oh. Well, that's okay.

It's not like I went out at dawn
and caught my own lobsters.

Thanks, Mrs. G. Your desperate need
to please us is appreciated.

When you girls are around,
it's like I'm back in high school.

Is that a good thing?

Shh. I'm talking to the cool kids.

You guys should leave
before my mom starts to floss.

Too late.

-Later, peeps.
-See you at Burt's.

I like those girls.

You know, I could've hung with
the popular girls in high school.

But instead, I decided to hang with
the lonely awkward girl

who needed a friend.

Yes. Thank you, Kimmy,
for taking pity on me.

I am forever grateful.

[doorbell rings]

It is always open.

Wait. You don't live here.

I know.

But they cannot keep me out
because it is always open.

Also, congratulations.

Thanks, man. Wait. For what?

It is your and D.J.'s two-week-iversary.

It is? How would you know that?

I keep various anniversaries on my iPhone.

Did you know that A-Rod and J-Lo
have been together for 22 months?

Actually, it's 26 months,

if you count their secret rendezvous
at Color Me Mine in Culver City.

She made a coffee mug.
He made a picture frame.

I'd have backed you up,
but that kid scares me.

Sometimes I think he can wish me
into a cornfield.

I woke up once with him standing over me.

I thought he was
trying to steal my breath.

Speaking of taking my breath away...

what sexy gift
did you bring your paramour, huh?

Oh, uh, I guess,
gas-station coffee and a banana?

Wrong.

You have insulted romance
and burned my hand.

The two-week-iversary sets the tone
for every "iversary" afterward.

Wow. You know, you're right. I gotta--

I gotta show Deej
how much she means to me.

-Well, thanks, bro.
-I'm not your bro.

I'm your-- how does everyone say?
"bro-fessor of love."

Okay, nobody says that.

I want you and D.J. to experience
the unbridled passion

that Kimberlina and I share.

Aren't you technically divorced?

Let me walk you out.

-Aren't you gonna clean up the mess?
-I do not live here.

♪ Hey, hey, ooh-ooh ♪

I'm sorry, these seats are saved.

Nope.

My friends will be here any minute. Sorry.

I don't mean to be rude,
but can you leave?

Hey, you go to Bayview, right?

Yeah, we're on the same row of lockers
as that kid whose mom's the lunch lady.

Oh, Sloppity Joe Johnson.

But why does he wear a hair net to class?

Ha ha ha. I know, right?
I still need you to leave.

I'm sure Sienna and the other girls
will be here soon.

Sienna? Oof, check Insta.
They're at the movies.

What? She told me to meet them here.

Sorry, but it looks like you got ghosted.

That's cold,
but I'm still gonna need this table.

-Hi.
-How was football recital?

It's a sport, not dance class.

From the look of your spotless tights,
seems like dance class.

I'm the placekicker. I never get dirty.

Wait. Is that why no one believes
I'm really on the team?

That and you once famously
broke your thumb doing close-up magic.

Hey, that was a brand-new deck of cards.

They put that cellophane on
really tight.

[doorbell rings]

It's always open.

Steve. Ohh. What are you doing here?

It's our two-week-iversary.

Our two-week-i-wh--

Oh, right, yeah.

I, I pronounce it differently.

Wow, those are so beautiful.

-I'm so glad you like them.
-Ohh.

I wish I could stay,
but it's Hammertoe Day at the clinic.

Stop. Hammertoe.

Aw, it must be Hammertoe Day.

I can't believe that fell on the same day
as your two-week-iversary.

What did you get him?

Well, nothing.
I, I didn't know it was a thing.

Are you out of your mind?

Don't you want
what me and Fernando have?

I don't know. Do I?

Of course you do.

Everyone wants more l'amour.

Okay, so what's someone supposed to get
for a two-week-iversary?

Doesn't matter as long as
it makes his gift look like crap.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Quick announcement.

Whoever's driving the red Razor scooter,
you're blocking the video-game truck.

Now please put
your sticky little hands together

for the vocal stylings
of Sunshine Stephanie.

♪ Vegetables are our friends, num-num ♪

♪ We eat them every day ♪

♪ You might think
that's dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ But it's better than eating hay, neigh ♪

♪ I like potatoes, I like peas ♪

♪ I like carrots cause they help me sees ♪

-Boo!
-Boo!

♪ Vegetables are our friends,
num-num ♪

♪ We eat them every day ♪

♪ You might think that's dumb, dumb, dumb,
but it keeps the blues away ♪

I think you're dumb, dumb, dumb.

[chuckles]

Oh, Mikey, that's not very nice.

♪ I, I like potatoes, I like beets ♪

♪ I like corn
'cause it's better than meats ♪

Hey, lady, do you like lettuce?

[screams and squawks]

Okay! Ow! Hey! That's it!

I know where you live, Mikey.

I know where you go to school,
and I'm not afraid to find you.

I know the timing's not perfect,
but here's the bill.

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Hey, Deej. I got your text. What's up?

Yeah. Steve, I wanted to talk to you
about our two-week-iversary.

I'm sorry, but I racked my brain,
and all I could think to get you was...

a sandwich.

Hey, that's okay.

Bring it in, boys.

Big sandwich!

A 14-foot party sub!

One foot for every day
we've been dating.

Come here, beautiful.

Come on, boys;
let's get this cut up in the kitchen.

Wow, take a picture.

She could be a centerfold
in Sandwich Magazine.

I read it for the articles.

This is amazing.

This is horrible.

-Wait. It is?
-Yes.

She is topping you with toppings.

She is relishing in your defeat.

I could go on with the sandwich metaphors,
but lettuce stop, so you can ketchup.

Everyone knows a 14-foot party sub
trumps flowers and some boring big bear.

You cannot let her win.

Why does this matter to you so much?

Because I am living vicariously
through Steve and DJ,

or as I call you - Steejay.

Did you get into another fight
at Souplantation?

I wish. No. I bombed at that kids' party.

I'm still picking cabbage out of my bra.

I don't know what happened.
I didn't connect with those kids at all.

-In fact, I completely lost my temper.
-I wouldn't worry.

It doesn't necessarily mean
you're gonna be a terrible mom.

I'd never even thought about that.
Why would you put that in my head?

Just because
you made the birthday boy cry

doesn't mean your own kid
will hate you.

Kimmy, you're doing it again.
Oh, that is it.

No more kid parties for me.

No, you can't quit. You're awesome.

Well, not with kids.

But we have another party tomorrow.
I'll never find a replacement this late.

Steph, you can't let one bad performance
stop you from trying again.

Yeah, that would be dumb, dumb, dumb.

Hey.

-How was hanging with the crew?
-Sienna and her friends ghosted me.

They ghosted you?

What does that mean?

"Ghosted" means that they stood her up.

I don't get it. Just when I thought
I finally found a good group of friends.

I haven't had that
since Lola move to Fresno.

Well, maybe it was an accident.

No, Lola moved on purpose.

I was talking about the ghosting.

Oh, that makes more sense.

I remember girls like Sienna
when I was in high school.

They just treat you badly
to make themselves look better.

I'm so sorry, honey.

You can hang out with us.

We are the coolest friend group
in the house.

[all howl]

Are you trying to make me feel worse?

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Hello?

Whoa, a little bright.

Deej. Happy two-week-iversary.

We all know your favorite show.

Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles.

Okay, got some bad intel. uh...

Hopefully your second favorite show
is American Ninja Warrior!

Yes, that's right. It's up there.

TEAM
STEEJAY

D.J. Fuller,

welcome to American Ninja Warrior:
Two-week-iversary Edition.

[musical fanfare plays]

Come on, Mom!

Oh, my ninja. I...

Here's your chance to see
if you have what it takes.

You ready, Deej?

I just crushed a 45-minute spin class,
but sure. Why not?

You have 60 seconds
to complete the course.

Let's do this.

-Go.
-[air horn blows]

-Yeah!
-Come on, Mom!

[yells]

D.J. is San Francisco-based veterinarian
and a mother of three.

Sorry, fellas, she's taken.

-Go, Mom! Yeah!
-Yeah, go, Mom!

Go, Deej.

-[buzzer sounds]
-You did it!

STEEJAY

Can this suburban mom
who has beaten all the odds to get here

climb the cargo net
and reach her beloved?

You bet I can.

-Yeah, yeah!
-Whoo-hoo!

-Come on, Mom!
-Look at her go.

She climbs like she's part spider,
part climbing spider.

Yeah, Mom!

-You can do it!
-Yeah!

Come here, beautiful.

-[horn sounds]
-Yeah!

You did it!

-♪ La la, la la la la ♪

That cargo net
is a lot harder than it looks.

That's not something I thought I'd say
when I woke up this morning.

Stop bellyaching.
You have to out-gift Steve.

I've got three ideas.
All of them include a live giraffe.

[cell phone ringtone]

-Put a pin in that.
-You were the only one talking.

Shh. This is an important business call.
Hi, Silly Sally.

Yep, I need a replacement singer
for this birthday party.

What? Give me one good reason
why you and Goosey Lucy can't fill in?

Oh, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Steph, I gotta have you play
the next party.

I tried to replace you,
but everyone's dead.

I can't go out there and get booed again.

Maybe... Sunshine Stephanie didn't work,

because that's not really who you are.

And kids can smell a phony a mile away.

Why can't I be more like Goosey Lucy?

Oh, you might wanna sit down.

-Oh, hey, sweetie.
-They did it again.

Look at Sienna's Instagram.
They're all at Burt's Burgers without me.

They tagged me just to rub it in.

Oh, honey, kids can be so cruel.

No. There's something wrong with me.
Nobody wants to be my friend.

That's not true. You have to remember--

Mom, I'm not in the mood
for a pep talk right now.

I'm gonna sit in my room
until the end of high school.

That's it. I am going down there
and giving those girls a good talking to.

No one hurts my Ramona.

Kimmy, no. I don't think
that's a good idea.

The last thing Ramona wants
is for us to meddle in her social life.

Yeah, and those girls aren't gonna respond
to somebody's mom.

I guess you're right.

There's a time to take action
and a time to stay out.

And this is a time to take action.

Lady, who are you talking to?

I'm responding to a previous--
Never mind.

Well, well, well.
If it isn't the mean girls,

or should I say, "mean ghouls"?

Hilarious.
Ramona sent her mom to fight her battles.

How dare you come into my home,

eat my tapas,
and treat my daughter this way?

Technically, we didn't eat your tapas.

We wanted to.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Ashamed, I say!

You're right, Mrs. Gibbler.

We are so ashamed.

Ashamed, we say!

-Aren't we, girls?
-Oh, yes.

I am so glad you taught us
this important life lesson.

Wow. I thought you'd hit me
with sass and sarcasm.

Well, I'm glad
I could teach you this lesson.

Oh, here. Let me cover the tip.

That was pathetic.

Not as pathetic
as you all are acting right now.

How many of Ramona's relatives
are hiding in this restaurant?

Do any of you have jobs?

Well, see, kids' parties
are kind of a seasonal business, so...

Why am I explaining myself to you?

Yeah, why are you?

Oh, Coco.

Sweet, delusional, hungry Coco.

You know what? Here.

Have some fries.
You guys deserve 'em.

Oh, Coco, you think
Sienna's your best friend, right?

But on Instagram,
she posted that you were "B.A.B."

Basic as baloney.

Oh, no, that's the worst kind of basic.

And, Sienna.

First, I'm not convinced
you're not the school narc

because I'm pretty sure
we graduated together.

But even if you are who you say you are,

these people don't hang with you
because they like you.

They hang with you
because they're afraid of you.

That's not true. Right, guys?

Well, so what?

That's how high school is.

No, that's how you are.

You turned all these people
against Ramona

because you were afraid she was
getting more popular than you are.

It's true.

I'm not threatened by Ramona.

I have everything she has.

Except a kind heart.

Wow. I wish my mom
would handle business for me like that.

Oh, I'm not Ramona's mom.

Well, whosever mom you are
is one lucky kid.

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

No, I'm okay. That sounds super-fun.

Okay, can't wait to see you tomorrow. Bye.

[knock on door]

[door opens]

There's my baby girl.

I was gonna come in, give you a pep talk,
but you seem sufficiently peppy.

Were you gonna tell me
there's nothing wrong with me

and none of this is my fault?

Well, I was gonna sit down first.

But, yeah, that was the gist.

It's crazy. Sienna and her friends
are begging me to hang out with them.

I wonder if a wise person
talked some sense into them.

I wouldn't know. I wasn't there.

-So, where are you girls going?
-Oh, nowhere with them.

It's not the circle I want to be in.

Good for you.

So, who were you just talking to
on the phone?

Oh, not that I was listening
at the door with a cup.

I'm hanging with another girl
from school - Ashlyn.

She's taking me to a rally
against cruelty to animals.

Sort of weird considering
she works at a burger shop.

-She's complicated.
-I'm so proud of you, honey.

Oh.

-Post-talk selfie?
-Mom.

Okay.

[clicks]

Yay, I'm one of the cool kids.

D.J.'s going to be so jelly.

Hey, Fernando. Is D.J. here?
I gotta talk to her

about this two-week-iversary business.

-What did you get me into?
-I got you into a deep,

loving, fiercely competitive relationship.

You know what? Enough already.
Okay? Deej.

Have it your way.
You have failed the bro-fessor's course.

You can retake it next semester, okay?

Steve, you have to get out.
I don't have your next gift.

Although I did put a bid down
on a winery.

Deej, this whole
two-week-iversary gift-giving thing

-has gotten way out of hand.
-Oh, I am so glad you said that.

I was thinking the same thing.

I let Fernando get in my head.

Yeah, and I let Kimmy get in mine.

It was scary.

From now on, we celebrate our relationship
the way we want,

not the way other people want us to.

So we can agree
that this whole gift-giving thing is over?

Almost. Actually, I did have
one little thing that I had thought of

before Fernando got this
bigger-is-better business in my head.

What's this?

It's the first note you ever passed me
in high school.

Steve, that is so sweet.

How do you still have this?

Some things are worth hanging on to.
And also, my mom's a hoarder.

"Steve, you have better hair
than Joey Lawrence."

"Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
comes out on Friday. Wanna go with me?"

Aw.

What? A small gift cannot
be more impactful than a big one.

Boo!

I have a small gift for you.

I stand corrected.

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen] One, two, three, four

♪ Oh ♪

[theme song playing]

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♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪