Fuller House (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Fuller Thanksgiving - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) La, la la la la la Ooh

Whatever happened
to predictability?

The milkman, the
paperboy The evening TV

Everybody eventually

Says that they're as lost as you

So everybody shout it together

"Hey, don't sell your
dreams so soon!"

Ooh

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a heart, a
hand to hold onto



Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a face Of
somebody who needs you

There's a heart
Everywhere you look

Yeah

When you're lost out
there And you're all alone

A light is waiting
to carry you home

Everywhere you look

La, la la la la la Oh...

Okay, people, who can tell me
what Thanksgiving is all about?

Fernando.

Giving thanks for
all our blessings.

Wrong.

Thanksgiving is about me.

Me hosting the
perfect Thanksgiving!



Which takes macrothinking,
micromanaging

and a little microwaving.

It's gonna be a very full house,

so here is your schedule
of tomorrow's activities,

suggested dress code and a voucher
good for one six-minute shower.

Do I really have to specify
light or dark meat right now?

Of course not.

You have until 4:00.

Even Dad wasn't this neurotic.

And he used to
vacuum the fridge.

Okay, make fun
of me if you want,

but now that Dad lives in LA,

and Uncle Jesse and
Aunt Becky are there, too,

and Joey's stuck in Vegas,

this is our one chance all year
to get the whole family together.

And that's why this has to be

the best Thanksgiving in
the history of Thanksgivings.

Oh, you are something
cute with your holiday spirit.

Aw, and you are something cute
when you tell me I'm something cute.

(BLARES FANFARE)

Grandpa Danny's here!

Oh, okay, let's go!

Grab the sleeping chart.

I'm so excited to meet
your dad and his wife.

Oh, well, Teri's with her family,
but you're gonna love my dad.

I haven't seen Old Man Tanner
in 20 years. (CHUCKLES)

Now he's gonna be Older
Man Tanner. (SIGHS)

I'm sure you remember, but
he's not a big fan of the Gibblers.

Yeah, so nobody tell him
that I'm dating Jimmy Gibbler.

In that case, call
me Jimmy Gobbler.

In honor of
Thanksgiving, you know.

Okay.

- Hey!
- Hey, my peeps!

What's crack-a-lackin'?

Yo, family fist bumps,
come on. All around.

Yeah, and et cetera.

- Is that your Ferrari on the sidewalk?
- True that.

You should have seen
me blazing through Fresno.

This dude gives me
a look like, "Let's go,"

and I give him a
look like, "It's on."

And then I just blew the
doors right off his Prius.

Up high, my posse!

Yeah!

And et cetera.

Uh, excuse me, sir, but
have you seen our dad?

Because, if you do,
could you tell him

that we're very concerned
about whatever this is?

Most def, Steph.

Uh, excuse me. Dad, this is
my boyfriend, Dr. Matt Harmon.

It is so great to finally
meet you, Mr. Tanner.

Ah, so, you and Donna
Jo been getting jiggy with it?

Urban Dictionary. Look it up.

And Aunt Stephanie is dating
Kimmy's brother, Jimmy Gobbler.

(CHUCKLES) Max,
we just discussed this.

What? I said
Gobbler, not Gibbler.

You're dating a Gibbler?

Down low, home slice.

Up top, white bread.

Yeah!

- Chest bump! (GRUNTS)
- Oh!

- Ow!
- Ooh, sorry.

Beware the pit bull.

Dad, according to my sleeping
chart, you're back in your old room.

Oh, sweet! Back in the OG crib.

Mac Danny, out.

I don't know what
he's on, but I like him.

(BLARES FANFARE)

It's Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky.

Aw, those two are
just like Kimmy and I.

So crazy in love.

JESSE: You promised
to stop talking about it.

BECKY: You're the
one talking about it.

I'm only talking about it because
you can't stop talking about it...

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Are you and Aunt Becky fighting?
- No, no.

We're just expressing our love loudly.
That's how much we love each other.

Right, honey bear?

You got it, butter nuts.

- See? We're not fighting. "Butter nuts"?
- Mmm.

Steph.

- Hey, Uncle Jesse.
- Hi.

(BLARES FANFARE)

It's our cousins,
Nicky and Alex.

- Oh, hey, guys!
- Hey. What's up?

Or Alex and Nicky. I
can never tell them apart.

Look, the boys
brought fish tacos

from their mildly
successful fish taco truck.

That I paid for.

Yes.

Which reminds us,
the refrigerator broke.

So, eat up before
the mayo turns rancid.

Hey, Deej, where are we staying?

All four of you are
back in your old room.

Feel free to use my hair gel,
my mousse, my dippity-do...

Amateur. I got this covered.

(BLARES FANFARE)

Max, everyone
who's coming is here.

No, they're not.

Happy turkey day!

Uh-oh, Ginger disappeared.

That's what you get when you
marry a magician. (LAUGHS)

Do you believe in

magic?

(CHUCKLES)

I believe in RSVPs.

What are you guys doing here?

- You didn't RSVP? I thought you did.
- You didn't RSVP? I thought you did.

- Jinx, buy me a Coke!
- Jinx, buy me a Coke!

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, okay.

Um, let me check,
yeah, we can...

I'll squeeze you in.

Yeah, I don't know what I would've
done if you would've brought your kids.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

(BLARES SAD NOTE)

They seem adorable.

Oh, yeah, so do koala bears.

Until they rip your face off.

Say hello to America's
next great singing sensation,

The Gladstone Four!

Jerry, Lewis, Phyllis and Joan.

You guys have gotten so
big. How old are you now?

- Five.
- Six.

- Seven.
- Eight.

Okay, well, uh,

the boys can bunk
with Jackson and Max.

And the girls are with Ramona.

Thanks, D.J. Come on,
Gladstone Four, let's go upstairs.

One, two, three, four!

CHILDREN: Up we
go to the second floor!

GINGER: Five, six, seven, eight!

CHILDREN: Climbing
stairs is really great!

Did I hit the jackpot or what?

Jess, I'd like to put this argument
aside until after Thanksgiving.

- That's what I want.
- I just wanna have a fun weekend.

- That's what I want.
- Then I wanna adopt a baby.

That's not what I want.

I'm serious. I have baby fever.

Maybe it's allergies,
take a Claritin.

Becky, as you know,
I'm a man of a certain

age.

- You can't say it, can you?
- And you'd better not either.

If we adopt a kid now,

by the time it's in junior high
school, I'll be on my third hip.

Jesse, you are in incredible
shape. You could wear my jeans!

In fact, you are.

I like the way they
hug my curves.

Beck, I've finally
got you to myself.

I mean, the boys are on
their own, they're all grown up.

Mom, did you pack my retainer?

- Yeah, next to your Flintstone vitamins.
- Yes!

See? Don't you just love
those parenting moments?

Not that much, no.

I got an idea.

Why don't we go away? Just
you and me. We'll go on a safari.

We'll sleep with
lions circling our tent,

it'll be fun, it'll be
exciting, it'll be baby-free.

Okay, fine, we'll
go on a safari.

Well, that backfired.

Please don't make me go
on a safari. Lions scare me.

You don't know what you want!

Mom has a good point, Dad.

Hey, I gave you that fish
taco truck, I can take it away.

Dad's got a good point, Mom.

What is going on in here?

We're playing dress-up.

Look at me, I'm Ramona.

I wear makeup. (LAUGHS)

Who told you you could wear
my clothes and my makeup?

This is so uncool.

I'm Ramona, and I use
big words like "so uncool."

Eh...

Why don't you guys take off my
stuff and let's play Clean Up My Room.

We have a better idea.

Let's have a pillow fight!

What? (CHUCKLES)

Please. Stop that.

Stop that.

You know, I always
wanted sisters.

Now I don't.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Come on, guys. Seriously?

This is all your fault!

They said it was a magic
trick. They lied to me!

You're supposed to be
smarter than a 7-year-old.

Ooh, dirty laundry!

- Oh, no, come on guys, seriously?
- No, that's 10 days old!

That's... Oh, God! (COUGHS)

Oh, dude! Oh, it smells!

Oh, is that my gym shorts?

That's so gross!

MAX: Let's get out of here!

- Hey!
- Get me out!

Those kids are animals.

That's insulting to animals.

(GAGS)

Ooh...

(EXCLAIMING AND LAUGHING)

Can you move that kid?
I need a place to crash.

- Are you and Aunt Becky okay?
- Oh, yeah, we're great.

You know, sometimes we
like to sleep in separate rooms

and then later I sneak
in as TSA Officer Jesse.

I make her take her shoes off
and I pat her down thoroughly.

TSA Officer Jesse's not
sneaking back in tonight.

Here's your toothbrush

and your hairnet.

Hey, homies, I'm home-y.

I just threw up in my eyes.

Funny story, I was just hoverboarding
down at the end of the pier

and suddenly the icy waters
of the bay just beckoned to me.

So, me being the
devil-may-care daredevil that I be,

I just got all naked
and I just dived right in.

Wait, you actually went
skinny-dipping in the bay at night?

Oh, yeah.

And it was
exhilarating at first,

until these sketchy thug
types, they stole all my threads.

So, then I had to nude
hoverboard over to a nearby church

and I fetched these
out of the donation bins.

How you like me now?

Sorry, I was just daydreaming
about your nude hoverboarding.

Hey, Dad, can Uncle
Jesse crash with you?

Things are a little rocky
with him and Aunt Becky.

- Oh, really? You wanna talk about it?
- No.

Okay, then you
can crash with me.

Mom, we cannot
stay in our own rooms.

You have to get
rid of Joey's kids.

Yeah, they're criminally insane.

That's insulting to
the criminally insane.

(SIGHS) I know
they're a handful.

Tell you what, just
sleep with us tonight

and we'll make it a Fuller
family slumber party.

Did someone say slumber party?

(CHILDREN SQUEALING)

(CHILDREN YELLING AND CHEERING)

(AIR HISSING)

Where is everybody?

They're 90 minutes
late for the family photo.

They're out having
fun playing football.

Sweetie, you seem a little grumpy.
Did you get any sleep last night?

Well, not much.

I mean, Tommy was crying,
Stephanie was snoring,

there were six kids getting up
to pee and the one kid who didn't.

(EXHALES)

Well, you know what you need.

Yeah, what I need
are all 23 people

to adhere to my
carefully crafted schedule.

I was thinking more like a kiss.

(SIGHS) Well, that would
cut into my basting time,

but it would stop
me from complaining.

Mmm.

Happy Thanks... What the heck?

- Steve!
- Steve.

Yeah, I'm Steve.

What is going on here?

Uh, yeah, you tell him,
Matt. He's your best bud.

(STUTTERS) Yeah, but
you guys go way back.

Um, in fact, I'm gonna
go wait in the car.

No, what, um... (SIGHS)
What we're trying to say is, um...

Well, Matt and I
just started dating.

- No...
- Ah!

Way, Jose!

Wow!

Isn't that great?

I always thought that you guys
would make the loveliest couple.

Yeah, we should all get
together for a really big dinner.

- Oh, wait, we are.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

You know, um, as long
as you guys are happy,

I'm super-cool with this.
All right, I mean, besides, uh,

I am totally in love with D.J.

I mean CJ.

C. With a "C."

Not a "D." And then a J.

DJ. Wait.

I mean CJ.

(CHUCKLES)

He does that a lot.

Hey, we're back!

You're late! There's no time to change
for the family photo, let's go, people!

In the living room.
Around the couch.

Smallest to tallest.
Smallest to tallest, please.

Keep moving, people,
let's go, let's go. Move it!

Guess who won the game?

What... What happened to you?

Life, yo.

I went long and ended up deep.

You know what, D.J.?

Mud feels good.

(SIGHS)

DANNY: Excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Get
away from me, you're filthy.

Bad enough having to share
a bed with you last night.

Jesse, you know that's
not what happened.

It ain't like you ran away.

Okay, everyone.
Gather 'round the couch.

I'm way behind schedule.

Cut it out.

Ramona, that's
not how you say it.

It's not angry, it's playful.

Let's show her, gang.

Cut it out!

Jinx, buy me a Coke!

Okay, okay, guys,
I need you to focus.

Is anyone even listening to me?

Thanks, Dad.

Jess, look at how
cute his little face is!

Aw...

Don't you wanna
adopt one of these?

Oh, my gosh, are you
guys adopting a baby?

That's amazing!

(ALL CHEERING)

We're not adopting a baby.

(ALL JEERING)

See why I didn't
wanna bring this up?

You think this family's really gonna
take the side of a guy who's anti-baby?

(ALL JEERING)

See? Now I'm the bad guy.

I don't think you're a bad guy.

You just hate babies.

This is the last
time I'm gonna ask.

Line up and look
happy, for crying out loud.

Oh!

Lewis just gave me a wet willy.

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Okay, I give up.

I am canceling the picture
and I'm not rescheduling.

Your loss, people.

Man, she's so uptight.
Where did she get that?

What happened to my
perfect Thanksgiving?

- (SIGHS)
- Come on, Deej. Today is all about family.

Don't let our family ruin that.

But Dad has lost his mind,

Jesse and Becky
won't stop bickering

and Joey's family is
totally out of control.

- You know what we gotta do?
- Sneak off to Olive Garden.

Tempting, but not yet.

First, let's try to
parent the parents.

Okay? I'll talk to Uncle
Jesse, Deej, you get Dad,

Kimmy, you get the easy job.

Tell Joey his kids need to
straighten up or hit the bricks.

Stephanie's right. It is up
to us to save Thanksgiving.

Let's do it.

Today, we're the
She-Turkey Pack. Yeah!

Come on, everybody,
let's gobble-howl.

(GOBBLES LOUDLY)

Well, sure, it looks dumb if I'm
the only one doing it, come on!

Get your wattle up, come on.

(ALL GOBBLING)

Dad, are you having
some kind of midlife crisis?

No.

I just started acting completely
different in the middle of my life.

The middle?

Okay, I'm having a
two-thirds-life crisis.

It all started last week, Deej.

I was dusting the top
of my big oak bookcase.

I hadn't wiped it down for, like,
three days. I know, shame on me.

So, I'm standing
on this step stool

and all of a sudden it gives
way and I fall to the ground,

and then the solid oak bookcase
starts coming towards me,

and it's gonna fall on me

and I think to myself,
"You're gonna die right now,

"and you just spent your whole
life being a cardigan-wearing,

"hug-obsessed neat freak."

And then I thought, "You know what?
With whatever time you've got left,

"you just put your
pedal to the metal."

Wow.

That was one
slow-falling bookcase.

But go on.

Well, luckily, I was
able to get out of the way

before I got impaled by my
incredibly heavy BAMPYA.

Your Bay Area Morning
Personality of the Year Award?

Yeah, my BAMPYA.

So, I got up and I went
straight to the Ferrari dealership.

Yeah, about that Ferrari you
bought, is that really you, Dad?

Well, to tell you the
truth, it's a rental.

And to be totally honest,
I miss my Honda Accord.

(COUGHS)

I hate cigars! Why
am I doing this?

I'm glad to hear you say that,

because I miss my sweater-wearing,
Honda-loving, nerd-bomber dad.

Me, too.

He was adorable.

D.J., it's just been weird.

I just turned 60,

and I just started thinking,
"What's it all about?"

Well, that one's easy.

Everyone in this house
is here because of you.

We're what it's all about.

You're right.

Thanks, Deej.

Oh, man, I... I want a
hug so bad right now.

Oh, bring it in, Dad!

Oh, could I have an
extra shower voucher?

I got mud in places that I
didn't know mud could be.

Boy, Kimmy.

Your daughter's a slob!

Joey,

I need to say something
and you're not gonna like it.

But there are four people in this
house who are causing big problems.

I think I know where
you're going with this.

- Oh, good.
- Yeah.

They're annoying, obnoxious,
they get on people's nerves.

I'm totally with
you on this one.

Great, so you'll tell them
to shape up or ship out?

With pleasure.

I'm gonna give Jesse, Becky
and the taco twins an earful.

- No, wait, that's not what I meant.
- No, don't worry.

I'll do it with a funny voice...

(AS BULLWINKLE) so it won't
sound so harsh. (CHUCKLES)

You know what, Kimmy?

You have really blossomed
into a terrific young woman.

Steph and D.J. are so
lucky to have you here.

Aw, Joey, we are so
lucky to have you here.

Thanks.

In fact, you and your family
can stay as long as you'd like.

Kimmy, thank you so much,
the kids would love that!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You know what? We're
gonna stay an extra week.

Yes! Sounds good.

(SIGHS)

That went well.

Wait a minute, what
are we doing in here?

Look, Tommy likes a
story before he goes to bed.

And nobody reads a
story better than you.

I know what you're up to.

You're trying to trick me
into wanting a baby again

by showing me how much I love
babies, and how much babies love me

and by complimenting my hair.

I didn't compliment your hair.

I know, I keep waiting.
It looks awesome today.

Still waiting.

Okay, your hair looks awesome.

Hair flattery will
get you nowhere.

Wait.

Look, I know that
you're stubborn,

but I also know how
much you love Aunt Becky.

All right? Don't forget that.

Here.

Come here, kid.

Now, use your Elvis voice.

Kids love that. I know I did.

The Little Engine That Could...

The King knows this
one by heart. All right.

(IMITATING ELVIS)
Once upon a time,

there was a little
itty-bitty mystery train.

It was going up the Hunka
Hunka Hill to get a clambake.

And he said, "One for the money,

"I think I can, I think
I can, I think I can.

"Two for the show.

"I think I can, I think
I can, I think I can.

"Three to get ready,
and go, cat, go!

"Go, cat, go. Go, cat, go."

(LAUGHS)

I love that story.

Well, thank you very much.

Look, Jess, I was
talking to Stephanie,

and maybe you're right.

Well, I like where
this is going.

You raised two boys with me and
three girls with Danny and Joey.

You deserve to
retire from diaper duty.

What's the catch?

Jess, I didn't wanna
just raise another child,

I wanted to raise one with you.

And if we're both not into this
100%, then we shouldn't do it at all.

Are you sure? I know
you really wanted this.

Only if you did.

Love you. Carry on, boys.

You see that, kid? You see that?

Now, that's a good
woman right there.

That is a good woman.

When you get married, you
find a woman like Becky, okay?

Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

Huh.

I've still got it.

Okay, I'm back on track.

Where did all my food go?

Oh, well, you seemed busy,

so I gave you a little hand
with the food and the table.

Oh, no, you shouldn't
have done that.

Nobody puts together a
better Thanksgiving table than

you!

Where did you get
the cornucopias?

They were in my trunk.

You never know. (CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I thought this year we'd
be at the grown-up table.

Mom, Alex is kicking me.

And that's why you're
still at the kids' table.

I'd like to make
a toast, please.

To my daughter, D.J.,

for reminding me
what's important in life,

my beautiful family and friends,

and for this incredible
Thanksgiving feast.

Well, CJ helped a little.

I told them.

ALL: Cheers!

Oh, and, uh, I would
like to make a toast.

Um...

To the new couple, Matt and D.J.

Who knows if it'll work out?

The statistics say no.

But, um, I'm pulling for you.

- Cheers.
- ALL: Cheers.

Well, let's hold
hands. You too, kids.

And let's give thanks.

Dear God, thank you.

We are so grateful
for this wonderful meal.

And we're so fortunate
that we're all here together

and we're healthy.

We miss Michelle, we hope
that she'll be with us next year.

Come, it'll be fun.

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

I'd like to say something
about my beautiful wife.

Becky has such a big heart

and she's been saying
that somewhere out there

there's a kid that
needs our love.

So, I'm here to tell everyone,

let's do this.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

- We can adopt a baby?
- I'd like that.

Oh, have mercy.

This may not be the best time.

(AS BULLWINKLE)
But Kimmy asked me

to tell Jesse and his
family some difficult news.

(CHUCKLES) Definitely
not the best time.

I'd also like to
thank Kimmy, uh,

for inviting me and my entire
family to stay, and I quote,

"For as long as you'd like."

I'm going to a motel.

Okay, everyone, grab some
food. Kids, come on over.

- Let's do it.
- Let's do this.

Happy Thanksgiving!

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

English -SDH