Fuller House (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Doggy Daddy - full transcript

A not so typical day involves a dance audition, a toddler play date, four chickens, and a vet emergency. Matt comes to an important realization.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) La, la la la la la Ooh

Whatever happened
to predictability?

The milkman, the
paperboy The evening TV

Ooh

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a heart, a
hand to hold onto

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a face Of
somebody who needs you

There's a heart
Everywhere you look

Yeah



When you're lost out
there And you're all alone

A light is waiting
to carry you home

Everywhere you look

La, la la la la la Oh...

Hey, hey, hey.

Where is my couch going?

This is my lazy Sunday.

As opposed to your lazy
Monday through Saturday?

It just so happens that
I have a very hectic life.

But today I'm relaxing with
my rock star biographies.

I've got Tina Turner
and Janis Joplin

and Ariana Grande.

It's mostly pictures.

Sorry, but Ramona needs the room



for her big audition for world-renowned
dance coach, Signore Giuseppe Pignoli.

If he likes me, he's my ticket to
the San Francisco School of the Arts.

Giuseppe's the best.

When he took on Miley Cyrus,
she could barely even twerk.

Oh, thanks for moving the furniture.
More room for Tommy's playdate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What
playdate? I need the living room.

Oh, so do I.

I have two toddlers coming over
from our Mommy and Me group.

I need Tommy to
make some friends.

Can 1-year-olds
really make friends?

I mean,

they have the
vocabulary of a carrot.

Show her you're not a carrot.

Okay, he's a carrot.

Okay, chickens, welcome
to your new home.

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

A little help here?

Uh, Max. What are those?

Wow, you really did
grow up in the city.

They're chickens.

The goofy one is Joey,

the one with the
big beak is Danny

and the one with the
Elvis hair is Jesse.

I meant how did you get them?

Fernando took me
to the chicken store.

It's a part of my One Kid
Can Make a Difference project.

We talked about this.

We talked about you starting a
little backyard sustainable farm.

You can't have a
farm without chickens.

Just ask Old MacDonald.

He had a cluck,
cluck everywhere.

I did not know until today that
a chicken could get car sick.

Did you buy Max three
chickens without my permission?

Actually, I bought four.

But I opened the sun
roof without thinking.

So much for chicken Becky.

Hola, hijita.

Are you ready for
your big audition?

I'm ready. But I
really need your help.

I need you to impress
Signore Pignoli

with how much our family
loves the art of dance.

Of course.

We are your biggest
athletic supporters.

I don't think that means
what you think it means.

It means we are a
jockstrap for her dreams.

Oh. Well, then, I guess
it is what you meant.

(PECKING ON DOOR)

Do you hear pecking at the door?

Chicken Becky, you found us!

Come in.

Chickens, meet my dog,
Cosmo, and my Aunt Stephanie.

She's taking a little vacation.

From what?

Nobody knows.

From a sassy 8-year-old.

I'm not sassy, I'm delightful.

Mom says either I have to help you
with your garden or "read something."

So, here I am.

Oh, Mom let you have chickens?

Of course she did.
I'm her favorite son.

Her face lights up every
time I walk into a room.

Mom loves us all the same.

It's so cute that
you believe that.

You know, I'm gonna
go read something.

No, you're not.

You're right.

Chickens, have some corn cob.

(BARKS)

Cosmo, I love you,
but I'm very busy.

Here, go fetch.

So, just between us chickens,

how much do you guys
hate Colonel Sanders?

Okay, Tommy, Teddy, Bryan,

there's gonna be a
dance audition in here

and there's a chicken
convention in the backyard.

So, what if we bake cookies
in the kitchen? Any objections?

Okay, it's unanimous!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, it's always open!

Hey, Deej.

Hey! What are you guys doing

in your little, matching little
bike shorts that are very little?

Well, we were just
mountain biking up and down

all seven hills of
San Francisco.

What fun that was. (CHUCKLES)

And next, we're
gonna swim to Alcatraz.

Oh, boy!

As soon as I use the little girls'
room. I hope you don't mind.

You just hurry up, sweetie.

I can't wait to burn
some more calories!

(LAUGHS)

She's killing me,
D.J. I gotta lay down.

(GROANING)

Hey, what are you
doing with that corn cob?

Cosmo, drop that.
You can't have that.

- (COSMO CHOKES)
- (GASPS) No!

- He swallowed it.
- Oh, that's not good.

Mom, thanks for making me read.
I just finished To Kill a Mockingbird.

Oh, spoiler alert, they
kill the mockingbird.

Boys, we have a bigger problem.

Cosmo swallowed a corn cob.

Dogs can't digest
something that big.

I didn't know that.

I threw one for him to fetch.

It's okay, we just gotta
take him down to the clinic

and get this corn
cob out of there.

I'm coming with you.
And so is Jackson.

Why do I have to go?

Because when I don't have my dog,
you're my emotional support animal.

Hey, Steph!

Hey. You would not believe what they
put Ariana Grande through on Sam & Cat.

It is a miracle
she's so grounded.

Matt and I need to get to the
clinic. Will you watch the toddlers?

All of them?

No, pick your favorite.

Thank you. Okay.
All right, great.

Have fun!

MATT: Here we go,
in the car, come on.

STEPH: Uh, hurry back.

I feel like I'm forgetting
something. (SIGHS)

What do you say you little ankle biters
give me a break and take a nap, huh?

Yeah?

Right. On your
mark, get set, sleep.

All right, I should tire you out
first. Okay, ready? Here we go.

Everybody chase me.

Here we go. And I'm running.

Ooh, cardio!

Well, there is definitely a
corn cob in Cosmo's belly.

That's not the one I threw.

Mine was yellow.

We're just gonna make a
little incision and take it out.

You're going to cut Cosmo open?

Don't do it! Cut
me open instead!

How's that gonna help?

You're right. Cut Jackson!

Max, relax, okay?

We're gonna put Cosmo to
sleep, it won't hurt him a bit.

Cosmo?

I'm sorry. I'm your doggy
daddy and I let you down.

Come on, boy.

Hey, don't worry, Max,
okay? He's gonna be fine.

He'd better be.

Cosmo's my best
friend in the whole world.

Okay. No pressure.

It's a little nerve-racking
operating on our family dog.

I really appreciate
you being here.

I'm always here for you.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Sorry. (INHALES SHARPLY)

Oh, it's Crystal. Oh!

That's what I forgot.

Once upon a time,

there was a beautiful
princess named Stephanie.

And when I say beautiful,

I am talking fairest in
the land, smokin' hot.

(MURMURS)

Now, one lazy Sunday,
which she totally deserved,

she was suddenly besieged
by three tiny monsters.

Each with their own magic power.

Now, one could spill apple juice
out of even the strongest sippy cup.

One could throw a tantrum
for no reason whatsoever.

And the third, he could fill a
diaper with such speed and volume

that it brought tears
to the princess's eyes.

Woo...

Aw...

Yes...

- (CHICKENS CLUCKING)
- Oh!

And look, enchanted
chickens from a magic portal.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- I got it, it's Signore Pignoli.

Uh, what's on my dance floor?

(CHUCKLES) Uh, well, it's, you
know, some free-range chickens,

some free-range babies

and a couple sock puppets.

Maybe he won't notice.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Buongiorno!

This is not what it looks like.

It looks like a petting zoo
full of chickens and piggies.

Well, we were just leaving.

Hi, I'm Stephanie.

And I'm Princess Stephanie!

I'm sorry. You're the first
adult that I've talked to all day.

Fascinating.

Here, hold the baby. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, yes. Okay.

All right, shoo, chickens.

Uh, Danny, Jesse, Joey, Becky,

get out, this is our house now.

Here, uh, I'll take that.

Oh, oh. And look what
is going on in there.

There is a chicken
riding a baby.

All right. No more distractions.

I hope not.

(SCATTING)

Who are those people?

I have no idea.

We are Fernando and Kimberlina

Gibbler-Hernandez-
Guerrero-Fernandez-Guerrero,

the proud parents

of Ramona Gibbler-Hernandez-
Guerrero-Fernandez-Guerrero.

Oh, that's right,
they're my family.

They love to dress up.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

PIGNOLI: What?

We just came from our
ballroom dancing class,

because everyone in our
family loves the art of dance.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Oh.

You guys are embarrassing me.

How? We were being
supportive like you asked us to.

I even learned Italian.

Oh, no, you didn't.

This isn't what I meant.

You guys went way overboard.

Now go way away.

Ramona, I am right on the
brink of getting my feelings hurt.

I don't have time to
worry about your feelings.

Fine. Buonanotte, calamari.

Stupid corn cob.

This is why I hate vegetables.

Cosmo's gonna be fine.

Mom's one of the top
five vets in San Francisco.

It says so right here in
this pamphlet she wrote.

But I'm his doggy daddy
and I'm sorry I let him down.

It was an accident.

And I'm sorry I said
I was Mom's favorite.

Don't worry about it.

And I'm sorry I gave your
bike to a homeless man.

It's okay. You did what?

I didn't have any spare change.

What were you thinking? I
made Mom file a police report!

Be nice to me, I'm
having a bad day.

Did I ever tell you
about Leon, my gecko?

The one that left you to go
work at that insurance company?

Yes, but, uh...

I made that up.

The truth is I let Leon play outside
and I went inside for a fudgsicle.

When I came back, Leon was gone.

So, he can't save me up to
15% on my car insurance?

I'm afraid not.

How's that story
supposed to help me?

Not sure. It's the
only pet story I've got.

But trust me, everything's
gonna be okay.

Thanks, Jackson.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

Ramona, the way you move,

like an Italian widow
at a meatball buffet.

That's exactly
what I was going for.

Now, show me. What
else have you got?

Oh... That was all I prepared.

Listen, I would like to see
something more ballroom.

Like what you see on those wildly
popular competition dance shows.

Show me a cha-cha-cha.

Yeah, a quickstep.

A paso doble.

It's a shame you're not me.

I am so great.

I can tango.

But I need a partner.

Don't move.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, Kimberlina, you slay me.

Hey, Mom. Papa. Good
to see you're still here.

Well, we are certainly
not allowed to be in there.

I would like to sincerely apologize
for my rudeness earlier in the day.

But I need you to come back in there
and help me out, so what do you say?

Everybody forgives
me, and great! Let's go!

I notice no one
is coming with me.

What's the magic word?

Please?

Wrong.

How is "please"
not the magic word?

Based on what we overheard
while eavesdropping,

the magic word is, "Will
you tango with me, Papa?"

Will you tango with me, Papa?

Ah.

The magic word.

Shall we dance?

(TANGO PLAYING)

Stop!

You move like a
gazelle in the night.

Graceful, elegant, gazelle-ish.

Ramona, I find it very demeaning
to rate dancers with a score,

but people seem to like it.

So, 10!

Ramona, I would be honored
to be your dance coach.

(GASPS) Really? You mean it?

- Yes. Yes, I do.
- Oh!

Oh! (LAUGHS)

This will be our first
and last group hug,

so savor and release.

Great work, Dr. Fuller.

If I ever swallow a corn
cob, I know who to call.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you for being here.
It was really sweet of you.

Oh.

So...

Hmm...

- Yeah.
- Well, I...

I couldn't wait any
longer. Is Cosmo okay?

Who?

Oh, yeah, Cosmo came
through like a champ.

Yeah, a little rest and
he'll be as good as new.

Really?

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Hey, I helped.

(CHUCKLES)

I tried to help.

(SIGHS) Mom, I've been thinking.

All of this happened because
I'm a terrible doggy daddy.

I don't deserve Cosmo, so
could you take care of him for me?

Max, you're a
wonderful doggy daddy.

And parenting isn't
about being perfect.

It's about love.

And nobody loves this
dog more than you do.

Cosmo is very lucky to have you.

And I'm lucky to have him.

Okay, Cosmo, I'm giving
myself a second chance.

And I promise I'll do better.

Could someone lift me up
so I can give Cosmo a kiss?

I got this.

(GRUNTS)

Thanks, you guys.
Send me the bill.

And then I'll give
it to you, Mom.

So, where were we?

In the middle of a
pretty awkward moment.

That's happening again.

Maybe we should talk
about that awkward thing.

Maybe we should.

Or maybe we shouldn't.
You have a girlfriend.

You're right, I
keep forgetting her.

Thank you. I'll,
uh, finish up here.

Yes, and, um...

I'm gonna get out
of these bike shorts

because I can't feel a thing below
my waist, and that worries me.

"So, after 23 years
on this big blue marble,

"I've learned that with
the right personal trainer,

"you can climb any mountain.

"May all your dreams
be Grande. Ariana out."

Wow. You know, it is so
nice to see things turn out well

for one of those
child sitcom stars.

Come on, Max. Let's go
give Cosmo his medicine.

Cosmo, to make it up to you,

I'll give you a big bowl
of chocolate ice cream.

Oh, Max, no. Chocolate
is poisonous for dogs.

Seriously?

These dogs should come
with an owner's manual.

Whoa!

Aw, look at you. You have
everything under control.

Thanks for taking care
of Tommy's little friends.

- Their moms picked them up?
- Uh, yeah, I assume so.

You know, when I
woke up, they were gone.

(LAUGHS)

All right, I will go
put Tommy to bed.

Oh, and by the way, chicken Jesse
is in your bathtub. Not my problem.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

It's always open.

- Hi, D.J.
- Hey, Matt, what...

Wait. What are you doing?

- I broke up with Crystal.
- You did?

Yes, look, we had this
big talk and we agreed that

I still have strong
feelings for you, D.J.,

and then she just
rollerbladed off into the sunset.

Really?

You still have feelings for me?

You know I do.

All I want is to give
you and me a real shot.

If you still have
any feelings for me.

You know I do.

Team Matt. I win. Pay up.

Hey, I'm not counting
Steve out yet.

Double or nothing?

You're on.

Were they betting on us?

No. Maybe.

Kiss me.

Welcome to Ramona's World,

my vlog exploring the world of
Ramona, with your host, Ramona.

For the past two weeks,

I've been studying with world-renowned
dance coach, Signore Giuseppe Pignoli.

He loves me, but I think
he loves my family more.

Let me show you.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

This has been going on
non-stop for the past week.

D. J. and Stephanie
have dance fever.

It's 2:00 a.m.

Tomorrow he's got the whole
family doing West Side Story.

Yeah!

Okay.

Ten!

(ALL CHEERING)

Ten.

Two.

Two?

There is always one judge
that's impossible to please.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

English -SDH