Fuller House (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Ramona's Not-So-Epic First Kiss - full transcript

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Whatever happened
to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪



♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Here's a crazy thought.

You guys ever try
interacting with each other?

Who do you think we're texting?

- That was a good one.
- Yeah.

Oh, man, it's 4:30,
gotta go Facetime Lola.

Hey, sounds like
you're finally getting somewhere.

Well, I'm actually
Facetiming her brother,

but with any luck
she'll be in the background.

Jackson's my best friend.

But man, he's got no game.

He's been working Lola for eight months



and all he got
was one pathetic pity peck.

Yeah, the poor kid
called it a makeout session.

Delusional.

So, how many guys have you kissed?

None of your business.

So, zero?

I'm just waiting for the right guy.

But I don't know if I'll ever find him
in our lame school.

All of the boys are so immature.

It's true. We're very childish.

But hey, if I were you,

I'd get that first kiss out of the way
so you know what you're doing.

Maybe with someone
you don't like at all. Like me.

You have a good point.

I really don't like you.

Then Popko's the guy
for all your makeout needs.

Step into my office and...

take a seat.

OK.

Let's do it.

Really?

That worked?

Yes. I wanna get
my first kiss out of the way.

Just stop talking before
I change my mind.

Wow.

So that's what all the fuss was about.

There's no way that was your first kiss.

You were pretty good.

One more and you'll really have it down.

OK, let's do it again.

Yuck!

I watch TV on that couch.

- Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?
- No. We don't even like each other.

Just so you know, Cosmo,
when I kiss you that means I love you.

You teenagers are so shallow.

Tommy, can I have a bite?

Mmm...

Mmm! So good!

Hi.

Hey, Deej.

Stephanie, feed me too.

Something strained,
I'm too tired to chew.

Well I've seen this before.

A cup of tea, a hot bubble bath,
you'll be in bed by 9:30.

So not true.

I'll never make it to 9:30.

Come on, let's go out.

It's Saturday night. It's been ages
since we've had a sister night.

Oh, you know what's in town?

My favorite musical!

We are not seeing Wicked again.

But it's about sisters!

And it's a sister night!

Let it go.

Oh, we could go to the Frozen singalong!

You know what? Just take your
bubble bath and go to bed.

What? OK, OK, OK.
Well, what do you wanna do?

Well, you know, you've had a couple
rough weeks in the romance department.

You let Steve and Matt get away,

and then you got
rejected by the UPS guy.

What UPS guy?

Well, I tried to set you up,

but he said he wasn't available
for five to seven business days

and then you'd have to be here
when he arrives.

Look, the point is we need
to find you a good guy.

No, I don't need a good guy.

I just need a night out with my sister.

Agreed, which is why you should
go and put on a pretty party dress

and go out as if we were meeting guys,

which we're not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

You guys better not be
going out without me.

We're the she-wolf pack!

In the words of The Jungle Book,

"The wolf is the pack
and the pack is the wolf."

Oh, sorry. Do you wanna go out with us?

Nah, I'm busy.

So where are we gonna go?

We're gonna go to an amazing party
where everyone is dressed fabulously

and we're gonna eat and drink and dance
for free. It's called a wedding.

Ooh, I love weddings. Whose wedding?

Don't know until we crash it.

We're gonna be wedding crashers?

I'm a good girl gone bad!

Let's stay out till 10:30.

I'll pay for it tomorrow,
but what the hey!

Oh, yeah, you're one
wild and crazy momma.

Mom, I've got big news.

- I can tell you anything, right?
- Of course you can, we're like sisters.

In fact, we're like twin sisters.

From a distance.

At night.

Mom, you'll never believe it.

I just had my first kiss!

When was it? Where was it? Who was it?

Five minutes ago. Living room. Popko.

Popko?

That cocky little kid with the hat?

I mean, that's great, honey.

It's OK, Mom.

I mean, I thought he was conceited too,
but now that I kissed him,

he's not that bad.

Really?

Yeah, and he's kinda cute too.

That pork pie hat is adorable.

I know.

Now I think I kinda like him.

Aww.

Hey, Popko just texted me.

He wants to know if you wanna go to the
movies with him and some friends tonight.

He does?

He likes me too!

Get used to it.
The Gibbler women are like man magnets.

OK, tell him Ramona said, "Yeah, sure."

Wait, no, no.
That sounds too desperate, right? Um...

Say, "OK, whatever."
And type it just like I said it.

OK, whatever.

Perfect!

Excuse me, Ramona.

What are you doing?

As a part of my One Kid
Can Make A Difference project,

I'm watering your plants
with my recycled bathtub water.

You're welcome.

You're using dirty bath water?

No, it has soap in it.

So it's clean.

Why aren't you smarter?

Max, I have bigger problems here.

What dress should I wear
on my first date with Popko?

We're going to the movies.

Wait. You have a date
with the kid you don't like.

Yes. Because I changed my mind
and now I like him.

I get it.

I was the same way with Blake Shelton.

There's just something about him.

So, movie date.

Always dress to match your snacks,
in case you spill.

What's your favorite Icee flavor?
Blue or red?

- Red.
- There's your answer.

Now let's talk shoes.

OK.

How about these?

Flats?

Don't you have anything
in a chunky heel?

Here we go, this is really happening!
Oh, honey, you look so pretty.

Come here. Aww.

I'm going to let this boy know

there will be no monkey business.

And then I'll make him like me.

Just please do not embarrass me.

- Hey, Popko.
- Hey.

- Hey, dude.
- Hello, Señor Popko.

Hey, bro.

Have a gnarly night.

OK, everybody say goodbye to my parents.

- Have a great night!
- We will!

- Not too great a night!
- Uh-huh.

Hey, I'm watching you.

I'm sorry. They only have one kid.

Hey, Popko.

Cute hat.

It's the same one I always wear.

You're so funny!

So, you guys wanna see the Kevin Hart
movie that came out today,

or the Kevin Hart movie
that came out yesterday?

Yesterday.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing. That's how I laugh.

Hey, babe, what do you wanna see?

Whichever one you want.

I was talking to Bethany.

Oh.

Boy... So you guys are a thing?

We don't like labels, but it's all good.

Sure.

All good.

What in the heck is going on here?!

Max, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it?

I just spent 25 minutes
picking out the perfect outfit

for Ramona's date with you.

And then I walk into this...

You thought we were on a date?

I didn't think we were on a date.

Oh, yes, she did.

And if you weren't
two feet taller than me,

we'd be taking this outside.

What is going on here?

I have no idea.

Neither do I. Let's go see that movie.

That's right, Popko.
You'd best walk away.

You're lucky
I'm not allowed out after dark!

Why would you buy a gift
for a wedding you weren't invited to?

Because I'm not gonna show up
empty-handed.

And this is a beautiful soup ladle.

They'll enjoy it for years to come.

Ooh.

Here. It looks like Mickey O'Malley
is marrying Colleen O'Shaughnessy.

Oh, an Irish wedding!

I hope there'll be riverdancing, I always
wanted to be Mrs. Michael Flatley.

Who?

The Lord of the Dance?

Traditional Celtic folk dancing?

And I thought you were dope, yo.

All right. Hey, let's skip ahead, OK?

Now, remember, the key
to crashing a wedding is to blend in.

So if anyone asks, just make up
a fun name and a generic back story.

Oh, can I do an Irish accent?

Maybe. Let me hear it.

Someone's after me lucky charms.

Me pink hearts, orange moons,
yellow stars, green clovers.

No.

- But I dee-diddlee-dee-dee-dee...
- No. No.

OK, I know I said that
we weren't coming here to meet guys,

and I meant it when I said it,

but now that we're
here, look over there.

Stephanie, I am not here to meet men.

Come on, this is a wedding!

It's the only time single guys
fantasize about settling down.

- Come on.
- No.

I'm just here to have a fun night with
my sister and maybe have a good meal,

that potato...

- Hi.
- Hi, yourself.

That's a lovely dress you have on there.

That's a lovely face you have on there.

I'm Sean, what's your name?

My name...

My name is Sinead.

O'Connor.

So, Sinead, do you know
the bride or the groom?

That depends. Do you know
the bride or the groom?

I'm the groom's second cousin.

Oh, well, in that case
I'm the bride's fifth cousin.

From County Cork.

Which is in Ireland.

What happened to your accent?

Oh, it was terrible so I dropped it.

So... Are you here with someone, or...

- Oh. Just my sister.
- Oh.

Carol.

O'Connor.

Right.

Sister Carol!

Meet Sean.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I was just telling him that we are from
County Cork, which is in Ireland.

I am so good at this!

He can hear you.

I can hear both of you.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle...

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle...

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle...

Don't forget, when I get tired
you guys have to tickle me.

Look, Tommy! It's Peter Pan.

Came to take us to Neverland!

Never mind, it's just Ramona.

What are you doing here?

I'm hiding from my parents.

Why aren't you at the movies?

I left early. I hated seeing Popko
on a date with that Bethany.

You and me both.

I need to hang out here
for a couple of hours,

so my parents think I had fun tonight.

They were so excited for me.
I just don't wanna let them down.

Plus it's pretty embarrassing for you.

Anyway,

you're on tickle duty.

I gotta use the can.

You don't buy apple juice,
you just rent it.

♪ Oh Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen ♪

♪ And down the mountainside ♪

I know who Danny is.

But who are the glen guys?

I am having the best time with you.

Me too.

Hey, do you wanna trade numbers?

Oh, yes, I'd love to.

I think so, I just...
OK, let me grab my phone.

And talk to my sister,
because she picked you out.

Mmm. You gotta try this corned beef.

It is amazing. I mean, it's so salty
I can feel my feet swelling.

I don't even care.

OK, this is crazy, but I think
I'm gonna give that guy my number.

Ooh. Go for it.

Yeah, but I don't do things like this.

But maybe I should.

I'm always wondering
what could go wrong.

Maybe I should start wondering
what could go right.

I'll tell you what's right.
This sandwich.

- You're not even listening to me.
- Yeah, I am. Go get your phone.

Ooh... Here.
Stash this spicy mustard in your purse.

Your sister is great.

Well, she really likes you.

And she's super picky about guys.

So am I.

Uh... huh?

You two know I'm gay, right?

You're gay!

Yeah.

Of course we knew that you were gay.

I mean, we know gay.

You know, we grew up
in a house, actually, with three dads.

Oh.

Yeah, one was, you know,
obsessed with his hair.

one was obsessed with cleaning

and the other one
had a Woodchuck puppet.

I had a confusing childhood,
but there was a lot of love.

- Um, do you wanna trade numbers?
- Right. Yeah.

And, if you're free, do you wanna
have dinner tomorrow night?

I'd love to.

Uh, Sinead.

Carol, I love you to death,
but you're kind of hovering.

Oh, Riverdance!

Sean, do you know how?

Are you kidding?

It was my dream
to be Mrs. Michael Flatley.

Me too!

Wait, what?

I'm just gonna...

Woo! Hah! Yeah.

Uh...

Sinead. We need to talk about Sean.

I know! Isn't he great?

He's handsome, he's charming.

Look at those high kicks!

He's the pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow.

Yeah, about that rainbow.

Woo.

O... K. Uh, sorry.

Yeah...

Hey, Deej, we need to talk.

Look.

He's just not the right match for you.

Why would you say that?

Because...

...Sean is gay.

Is that true?

It is.

And now my grandparents know.

I think it's fabulous,
'cause now we can just be friends

without all that pesky physical
attraction that I had and you didn't.

Do you still wanna have dinner?

I'd love to.

But right now,
I'd like to talk to that cute waiter.

Be right back.

Here.

A toast.

To my sister.

You took a shot, you know.
I mean, you hit to wrong target, but...

But I'm proud of you.

Yeah, me too.

You know, I crashed a wedding,
I hit on a gay guy.

And I used the men's room
'cause I didn't wanna wait in line.

Now that's a good place to meet men.

I... I wish I could be more like you.

You're always ready for adventure,
You just go for it all the time.

I wish I could be more like you.

You're always so together.

You even wake up every morning
in a good mood.

What's your secret?

I go to sleep at 9:30.

Come on, girls, get ready!

Oh! She's gonna throw the bouquet!

Oh.... Wait, wait...

Make sure that you do not...

Whoo!

Woo-hoo!

Don't catch the bouquet,
because we're not supposed to be here.

Oops, yeah.

Sorry, didn't mean to catch this.
You can do it again.

I'll take that!

Who are you exactly?

Oh, we're your fifth cousins
from County Cork.

I don't have cousins from County Cork.

Oh, is this not the McShamrock wedding?

- God, well, in that case...
- Goodbye-dee-di-dee-di...

Thanks.
I'll take this corned beef to go.

Oh! The soup ladle's from us!

Here's to date night
with my handsome fiancé.

And to a few hours alone
with the woman I love.

And your friend's baby.

Cheers, Tommy.

Do you remember when
Ramona was that age?

Oh, she was so young,
and so not on a date with a teenage boy.

Why isn't she returning my texts?

Because it disrupts
the movie-going experience.

Last week, there was
this terrible screaming baby.

Tommy, I should not have taken you
to Captain America: Civil War.

Get your man purse,
we're going down there.

For the last time, it's not a man purse.

It's a gaucho saddle bag.

How much trouble could they get into?

Well, they already
made out this afternoon.

We're going down there. Get my purse.

We'll make sure there's no hanky panky
and we'll enjoy a Kevin Hart movie.

He's so funny, 'cause he's so loud.

But he's so little.

I'm home.

- They're back.
- I'm home too.

- Where did you go?
- It's a long story. Play dumb.

OK.

How was my little girl's first date?

It was so romantic.
I'll remember it forever.

Going to bed now.

No, no, no, no, no...

We want details.

Was Señor Popko a gentleman?

He was to me.

He bought me popcorn and held the door.

Hey! Ramona, how was your first date?

Yeah, tell us everything.

For the last time, it was romantic and
I'll remember it forever. Good night.

What's wrong with Ramona?

Here's what I know.

At first, Ramona didn't like Popko.

Then she kissed him.

Then she liked him.

Then he showed up with another girl,

so she didn't like him.

Or maybe she still did.

That part's fuzzy.

Then she snuck out of the movie theater,
hid in my room

and helped me tickle a dog and a baby.

I should talk to her.

No, you stay here.

This is a girl thing.

Hey, I know about girl things.

Like girl feelings and
girl puberty and...

You're right. I should stay here.

She-wolf pack, upstairs.

Mush.

Man, I'm glad I'm a dude.

Hey.

Max told us what happened.

Are you OK?

Yes, I'm fine.

I'm just never going on a date again.

Not that I even went on one.

I was so stupid.

Oh, honey, you weren't stupid,
you just got caught up in your feelings.

And out of all the boys to like.

Why did I fall for Popko?

He's such a jerk.

I can answer this one.

To quote the queen of
disco, Donna Summer,

"Bad, bad, bad, bad boys.
They make me feel so good."

What?

I mean, they do.

Well, until they don't.

Which is why you have to be
careful who you pick.

Because some guys can be jerks.

And some guys can... just like guys.

But enough about my night.

I think what they're trying to say

is you have to make sure
whoever you're kissing is worthy of you.

Because you are precious.

Thanks, you guys.

I could have used that speech
before my first kiss.

Do you remember that joker, Rusty?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, New Year's eve!

Yeah, I ate an onion
so that Rusty wouldn't kiss me.

But then for some reason I kissed him.

That's right.

My first kiss was with some guy
at a spin the bottle party.

Jake Bitterman!

That's right, and yours
was the same night with Kevin Gwynn.

Oh, Mylanta!

Happy New Year.

Whoa! Mmm!

Mommy!

So your first kisses
weren't very special either?

That makes me feel better.

The good news is
your first kiss is not your last kiss.

Yeah. You're gonna kiss a lot of boys.

Well, hopefully not that many.

Just know that I'm always here for you.

Me too.

So am I.

Thanks.

This three moms thing is kind of cool.

You know what, I'd like
to nominate Ramona

to become an honorary
she-wolf pup in training.

- I second.
- All in favor, say I.

I.

Are you ready
for your first official howl?

I'm a little nervous.

Oh, so was I, just do your best.

Three, two, one...

♪ One, two, three, four ♪