Fuller House (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Welcome Back - full transcript

Everyone returns from summer, excited to all be back together, but there is a surprise or two in store for some of them. DJ is ready to reveal her decision, Steve and Matt find ways to bond, Jackson deals with relationship woes, Fernando has news and Stephanie meets a dreamboat!

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING) La, la la la la la Ooh

Whatever happened
to predictability?

The milkman, the
paperboy The evening TV

Ooh

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a heart, a
hand to hold onto

Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go

There's a face Of
somebody who needs you

There's a heart
Everywhere you look

Yeah



When you're lost out
there And you're all alone

A light is waiting
to carry you home

Everywhere you look

La, la la la la la Oh...

All right.

Okay, Tommy. You can do this.

You can take a step.

Good job.

Pretty soon you're gonna
do this all by yourself.

You'll be walking
and then running.

And then going to college.

And then I'll be a grandma.

And you're gonna put
me in a nursing home.

You've got a lot of nerve.



Hey, you wanna
hear a little secret?

I finally made a decision
between Matt and Steve.

Do you wanna know who I picked?

I'll tell you.

(INAUDIBLE WHISPERING)

I know.

I was as surprised as you are.

We're back.

- Hi.
- Hi, D.J.

- Hi.
- Hi, Jackson.

Oh, you've only been
gone eight weeks

and you're already taller
than I am. Stop growing.

(VOICE CRACKING)
It's not the only change.

Ramona, tell everybody
how you did at dance camp.

Mom, you know I hate to brag.

Okay, then I'll brag.

Ramona won Best Dancer,
Most Likely To Star On Broadway

and Happiest Feet.

You forgot Jazziest Hands.

(CHUCKLING)

And guess who won Oldest Dancer?

(LAUGHS)

Mom came up for Visitors'
Day and the visit never ended.

Hey, I was only there
for the last six weeks.

Of a seven-week program.

Come on, we had so much fun.

Oh, we had the whole camp
doing the Gibbler Gallop.

Yeah, come on, let's do
it. Five, six, seven, eight...

And sparkle, and sparkle

and spin, and spin

and spank, spank, spank.

Oh, I knew you wanted to gallop.

Well, while you guys
were out galloping,

I was at wilderness camp
breaking some hearts.

- You wanna hear what happened?
- Hold on.

My teenage son is actually about to
share something that happened in his life?

- You're right. Never mind.
- No, no. No. No.

What happened?

Well, let's just say the babes
were all over me like mosquitoes.

But I did stay true to Lola.

Poor thing must have been
missing her boo like crazy.

- (GASPS) You're back!
- I sure am!

(BOTH SHRIEKING AND GIGGLING)

I wanna hear every detail
of your entire summer!

I wanna hear every detail
of your entire summer!

(GIRLS SHRIEKING)

LOLA: I'm so excited!

Yeah, we'll catch up later.

Don't make any plans this afternoon,
because I am throwing my annual

"End-of-Summer-Back-to-School
Super...

"Fun Barbecue 2016."

Okay, maybe that
name was too long.

- Hey, Deej.
- Stephanie.

Hi.

- Welcome home.
- Oh, Stephanie.

Oh, I missed you so, so much.

I missed...

Why aren't you hugging me back?

Because you left
me at the airport.

How rude!

- Was your plane late?
- No, I was right on time.

I even put my
bags in Kimmy's car.

I went to move the
luggage cart out of the street

and she drove off without me.

I thought you were pretty
quiet on the ride home.

Anyhoo, how was your
summer in London?

It was great.

You know, I went back to see if
my ex-boyfriend was really a jerk.

He was.

But I met one of those palace
guards with the big, fuzzy hats.

Turns out, sometimes
they do smile.

Aunt Stephanie, Kimmy!

- Thank goodness you're back!
- Oh!

Look what I taught Cosmo.

Cosmo, roll over.

Ah!

Looks like you had a fun summer.

It was boring.

Before you guys left,
there was so much going on.

Mom was a Mexican wrestler,

Hunter Pence came to our house,

there was a cow in the kitchen.

The last fun thing was
that ridiculous wedding

where Kimmy decided
not to marry Fernando.

(IN SPANISH ACCENT)
Let the rejoicing begin.

Fernando has returned.

Kimmy, you made
the right decision.

Kimberlina, mi amor, how
I missed you all summer.

Yuck!

Everybody, I have a funny story.

While I was gone
on the racing circuit,

I forgot to pay my rent,
so my landlord evicted me.

So, now,

I will be moving in here.

(LAUGHING)

Perhaps my story
was not so funny?

Perhaps you should
have paid your rent?

Oh, Max.

I missed you least of all.

No need to worry. Fernando's
only moving in temporarily.

You won't even know he's here.

(DOOR OPENS)

This way, gentlemen.

(CLATTERING)

Only seven more
loads to go, okay?

(SHOUTS ORDERS IN SPANISH)

That had better be Spanish
for, "I'm leaving tomorrow."

Hello, ladies.

Your meat has arrived.

Ah. Now, that's how every
man should enter a room.

Hi.

Oh, so, I brought steak, burgers,
chicken, shrimp, ribs and lobster.

And Matt brought some
stuff for you guys to eat.

(LAUGHING)

- Steve, you're hilarious.
- No, you are, you told me to say that.

Yeah, but your
delivery was hysterical.

It's so funny how those
guys became best friends.

I know.

I hope it doesn't affect their friendship
when I tell them which one I wanna date.

You're finally choosing
somebody? Oh, it's about time.

Yeah, well, I spent the whole
summer just getting to know myself

and working on me and
now I am finally ready

to have a meaningful relationship
with someone other than me.

You gotta pick Steve. You
guys are each other's destiny.

No. No, no, no. You
have to pick Matt.

You guys are great
partners at the pet clinic

and, far more importantly,
Matt is insanely hot.

I know, I'm extremely lucky

I have two incredible
guys that want me so bad.

But I've made my decision.

- And?
- And?

I am choosing...

D.J.?

We've got something to tell you.

Oh. And I have
something to tell you guys.

TOGETHER: Okay, you go.

- No, you go.
- Okay, I'll go first.

- Somebody go first.
- Okay, we will go first.

Steve and I

have found someone special.

Each other?

You know, I always
had a feeling.

No, although, if I were so inclined,
this big daddy would be a home run.

Boop!

So, D.J., remember
when you chose yourself

and you said we should
just go live our lives

and not wait around for you?

I really said that?

Uh, yeah, and then you
sent us that group text

with the bitmoji of yourself giving
the thumbs up saying to go for it.

Oh, I did do that.

So, anyway, after a two-week
camping trip alone in the woods,

we decided that we need women.

So, we fixed each other up.

And now we both
have girlfriends.

And it's all because you told
us to "Go for it," so thank you.

You're welcome.

Wow! (LAUGHS)

I'm... I'm so
happy for you guys.

Wow!

Did I already say
that? 'Cause, well, yay!

Well, D.J., what's
your big news?

Oh, yeah.

My big news. Well...

Oh, the End-of-Summer-Back-to-School
Super Fun Barbecue 2016

starts at 3:00.

So, the time is the same.

Right.

Because sometimes I change it.

But not today,
so that's big news.

Hey, would it be weird if
we brought our girlfriends?

It would be weird if
you didn't bring them.

Oh, I can't wait to meet them.

Oh, they cannot
wait to meet you.

All right, well, we will see you at
3:00, because the time did not change.

- They're gonna love your girlfriend.
- She's gonna love your girlfriend.

Wow!

Did not see that coming. Whoo!

Man, I mean, talk about
ripping your heart out

and stomping on it
right in front of you.

If I were you, I would be on the
floor sobbing like a blubbering baby.

Okay, I think she
gets this is not ideal.

(CHUCKLES)

I am totally fine with this.

I mean, I am really happy

for Matt and Steve
and for their girlfriends.

And I'm... And I'm happy for me.

I am happy, happy, happy, okay?

Did you buy that?

Nope.

That poor thing is a Lifetime
movie waiting to happen.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Can we help you?

Oh, yeah, I just stopped
by to say hey to my bae.

Hey, bae.

- Help me here.
- (SIGHS)

Jackson, Lola doesn't
wanna hurt your feelings,

but she's not your bae.

Not my bae?

What about our full-on make-out
session after Kimmy's almost wedding?

You remember?

That wasn't a make-out session.

That's how I kiss my grandma.

You must really
like your grandma.

The point is we're just friends.

I'm back in the friend zone?

I spent all last year
clawing my way out.

Well, I guess you missed
out on Action Jackson.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'll wait for you forever.

Action out.

Man, I just said
something really stupid.

Yeah, I heard you
say, "Action out."

Hey, Mom, were you
ever a teenage girl?

Uh, yeah, for seven years.

What did guys do to impress
you way back in the olden days?

Well, you know, they
churned some buttermilk,

raised a barn...

Look, if this is about
impressing Lola, just be yourself.

- You're a great guy.
- (SIGHS)

You're my mom.
That means nothing.

Okay. How's this?

Women love confidence.

Oh, I used to love when Steve
would make a big confident entrance.

He used to walk right in
and take what he wanted.

From the refrigerator.

Big confident entrance.

I like that.

Yeah. Hey, any girl would be lucky to
have a handsome young man like you.

Thanks, Mom. But once
again, that means nothing.

Kimberlina, mi amor.

Finally, my endless summer of
endless loneliness has ended.

Hold that thought.

I promised D.J. and
Stephanie I would talk to you

about moving in
without even asking.

What are you doing?

I'm wiggling.

You know what that does to me.

Now what are you doing?

I'm nibbling.

You're wiggling and nibbling?

It's called wibbling.

Well, your wibbling has
me wobbling. (GIGGLES)

Fernando, I'm serious.

They don't want you moving in.

In time, D.J. and Stephanie
will grow to love me

because I am an acquired taste.

Like blue cheese dressing.

Or public television.

Don't make me beg
like a PBS pledge drive.

This is so unfair.

I have homework and school
doesn't start till Monday.

Well, at least you
got a summer break.

I had to work all day every day,

sometimes on the weekends.

Mom.

We're talking about me.

Right.

But, you know, Max,
this is a pretty cool project.

It's called, "One Kid
Can Make a Difference."

You're supposed to pick a
problem facing the world from this list

and help solve it.

So, I have to get rid of global
warming, unsafe drinking water,

plastic pollution,
government corruption...

Third grade just got real.

I've tried way overthinkin' it

Oversimplifyin' it

Oh, oh, love is still a mystery

Yo-ho! I was just looking for
Kimmy, but please keep singing.

That was rad-ish.

"Rad-ish"?

As in rad-adjacent.

Ah. Well, it's just a new
tune I'm playing around with.

Kimmy's inside.

Kimmy's Inside is a
terrible name for a song.

But please, finish.
You sound amazing.

Sure, hunky guy in
a really tight T-shirt.

Gonna take love slow

And look at where I've been

Take love slow

Stop all this rushin' in

It's so easy makin' promises

But this time it's different

Gonna take love slow

Give love time to grow

Gonna take love slow

What's happening?

We're about to kiss.

That's crazy.

I mean, especially since I'm singing
a song called Gotta Take Love Slow.

I feel like your lips are like
magnets and I'm like a refrigerator.

- Wow.
- Wow.

- I know.
- I know.

(SIGHS)

Jimmy?

- Yo-ho! Kimmy!
- Hey! Mmm!

Five, six, seven, eight...
And sparkle, and sparkle,

and spin, and spin,

and spank, spank, spank, spank.

- Yes!
- (JIMMY LAUGHS)

Wait, wait, wait...

Why is he galloping
like a Gibbler?

Because all Gibblers gallop.

This is my little
brother, Jimmy.

I just kissed a Gibbler?

You just kissed a Tanner?

- Ew!
- Ew!

Why didn't you tell me
you were Kimmy's brother?

Well, I just figured you remembered
me. I mean, who kisses a total stranger?

Stephanie.

I just... I haven't seen you since
you were a scrawny little kid.

- I mean, you look completely different.
- Yeah.

I got a haircut.

Jimmy, what are you
doing back in town?

Well, I was driving the RV to
Portland and then I thought, "Why?"

You know?

And then I thought,
"Man, I'm hungry."

And then I thought, "I'm
gonna stop at the Tanners'

"and get some free food."

That's the Gibbler way.

- One more time!
- Five, six, seven, eight...

And sparkle, and sparkle,
and spin, and spin...

- JIMMY: Come on, Stephanie, get in here.
- Spank, spank...

Oh, she's leaving.

- Well, how's Uncle Andy been?
- You know, he's still allergic to shrimp.

That surprises me.
That's so shellfish of him.

(LAUGHING)

Mini Bro, this is
gonna blow your mind.

Global warming will make the
seas rise and wipe out San Francisco.

Our food is full of poison.

There's an island of plastic trash
the size of Texas floating in the ocean.

The world is falling apart.

And not to make you feel bad, but
your disposable diapers aren't helping.

Hey, you guys forgot to
wear your barbecue T-shirts.

Sure, let's go with "Forgot."

Hello, beautiful ladies.

Uh, Kimmy, did you tell Fernando
that we don't want him living here?

Hola, I am right here.

Yes, that's the problem.

Fernando is very useful.

He can reach things
on the top shelf.

We have a ladder.

I can fend off intruders.

You're the intruder.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- I'll get it.
- No.

Someone who actually
lives here will get it.

Hi, D.J., Kimmy. I want you guys
to meet my new girlfriend, Crystal.

Oh, gosh, it's so
nice meeting you.

I've heard so many good
things about you from Matt.

Oh, and I've heard
nothing about you.

Like how young and fit you are.

Me? Look at you.

But I could help your posture,

if I could just organize
your pubic bone.

- Oh, no, no. We just met. We just...
- (BONES CRACKING)

Oh. Actually, that
does feel better.

Do me! Do me!

Hey, D.J. Meet
my girlfriend, CJ.

Her name is CJ?

What are the odds of that?

My real name is Connie Jane,
but everyone calls me Ceej.

Small world, huh, Deej?

Do you mind if I give you a hug?

I come from a family of huggers.

- Okay, this is getting weird.
- (LAUGHS)

You know what else is weird?
You guys are both doctors.

Only you work on, you
know, hamsters and stuff

and she works on
real people, but...

Steve, stop boasting.

- Holy Rolaids.
- (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, Mylanta!

Son of a Tums, you
both swear with antacids.

You know, maybe I have a type.

You think?

Well, hey, as long as we're
getting to know each other,

Crystal, here, teaches
something called Cirque du Pilates.

Show them.

- Are you sure? I mean...
- Yeah, do your tricks.

Okay, it is really
roomy in here.

Oh! Oops.

This is fun.

She has a lot of energy.

Well, I'd better get in there.
There's a lobster with my name on it.

Literally, I wrote "Steve H" on
its tail, so everybody just back off.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, thank you for having me.

I feel like we're gonna be
great friends. (LAUGHS)

Sorry, I just... I
love to hug, Deej.

Oh...

You know, I hate to say it,
but I really like their girlfriends.

They're so nice.

Well, they may be
nice, but you're nicer.

And they may be
pretty, but you're prettier.

And they may be
young, but you're...

The truth is, I just
wish I had a boyfriend.

At least for the
next couple of hours.

Well, I might be
able to help with that.

What? No, Kimmy, wait.
What are you thinking?

- Just follow me.
- Kimmy...

Hey, Jimmy. I want you to
pretend to be D.J.'s boyfriend.

Whoa!

That is not a good idea.

You're right. It's a great idea.

Look at those happy
couples over there.

So, then I said, "In that
case, I'll take it to go."

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Don't you deserve to
pretend to be as happy

as those people actually are?

Okay, fine.

I'll pretend that
Jimmy is my boyfriend.

But I really like Steph.

I mean, what if you
fall for me real hard?

I think we're safe.

Come with me.

Come on.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Attention, everybody.

D.J. would like to introduce
you to her new boyfriend.

D.J. has a new boyfriend?

Yeah, so, I guess this is
my new man, Jimmy Gibbler.

Let's give him a nice
Bay Area welcome.

Thank you, San
Francisco. (CHUCKLES)

You're really dating a Gibbler?

Hey, anyone would be
lucky to have a Gibbler.

They are the sexiest
creatures to ever strut the Earth.

It's true.

Watch me walk past any
construction site. (CHUCKLES)

Pandemonium.

D.J. and I love to scuba.

Yes, we love to scuba.

With the rubber suits and the...
Riding dolphins in the ocean.

Right, big guy?

You know it, big momma.

Hey, look who's up from his nap?

Stephanie, this is
not what it looks like.

- Uh... Well, it looks like a barbecue.
- (SIGHS)

D.J., I'm sorry. It's been
a beautiful two minutes.

But I just feel like we're
drifting apart, you know?

I have to break up with you.

(ALL GASP)

Yes, people, it's true.
I'm crazy about Stephanie.

(ALL GASP)

I've had a huge crush on you,
ever since we were little kids.

I mean, one of my
all-time favorite memories

is you were playing guitar and
then I came into the backyard,

and then we kissed.

That was like half an hour ago.

And I think about that
moment all the time.

And if that's your baby,
I'll raise him as my own.

Actually, that's my baby.

(ALL GASP)

Oh, calm down, guys.
We already knew that.

(SIGHS)

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, your sister stole your man.

So what? Does
she look humiliated?

Well, a little.

But if I know D.J.,

she's on her way to the wharf right
now to pick up three new boyfriends.

I'm standing right here.

That's right. Make
them come to you.

Okay, I'm just gonna take a break
and think about my poor life decisions.

Good times.

That's pretty uncool, man.

Way uncool, man.

I know.

I wish I could go back in
time and change things,

but that's not the way time
works, as I understand it.

Hey, guys. What did I miss?

Your uncle hooked up
with your mom's best friend,

then left her for her sister,

although, to be fair, D.J.
never told him she had a baby.

Hey, Lola! Here comes Action
Jackson! (HOWLS LIKE TARZAN)

(SCREAMING) Oh, no!

JACKSON: Don't
worry, Lola. I'm okay.

Lola left 10 minutes ago.

Yeah. It's probably
for the best.

Hey, Max. Why aren't
you at the barbecue?

What's the point of a barbecue?

What's the point of anything?

What's wrong, buddy?

Everything.

How can one little kid make a
difference when our problems are so big?

We're doomed.

The whole world is poisoned,
polluted and way too hot.

Because we ruined it.

Well, you ruined it.

- I'm only eight.
- Hmm.

Yeah, we did mess
it up pretty good.

But we could
still make it better.

You know, just because we made mistakes,
it doesn't mean we can't fix them.

Unless, let's say, you spent the
whole summer obsessed with yourself,

and let two great guys get away.

(SIGHS) I'm never gonna find
anyone as good as Matt or Steve.

I'm gonna be single
for the rest of my life.

I might as well start adopting
cats and stop washing my hair.

Worst pep talk ever.

Mom. Tommy's walking.

- All by himself.
- (GASPS)

Tommy!

You did it! Yes! Oh!

Hey!

- Hey.
- ALL: Hey!

We wanted you to see this.

Did you see that, Max?

No matter how many times
Tommy fell, he never gave up.

That right there
is the human spirit.

So, we can't give up either.

We have to keep searching
for ways to stop climate change

and achieve world peace

and plot my revenge
against Matt and Steve,

and end poverty.

And have universal
healthcare and fair elections.

And have a
relationship with Lola.

And finally focus
on my music career.

And become a really
awesome dancer.

And figure things
out with Fernando.

And find a nice throw rug that
pulls my new room together.

You don't officially live here.

You know you love me.

Everybody, group hug.

And you're wet.

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

English-SDH