Fuller House (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Funner House - full transcript

Yum, Kimmy Gibbler. You look good
when you're not dressed like yourself.

I gotta work it for girls' night out.

And you are on fleek.

I hope it's still fleek to say "fleek."

When have we looked this hot
and gotten along this great?

Never.

- We better get proof. Selfie.
- Yes.

Okay. Ready?

No, tilt 'til we're skinny.

Great. I'll tag you on Instagram,
but first I have to unblock you.

You blocked me?



Let's not fight, okay?

Remember the good times.

Well... good time.

Whoa!

You guys look fleek!

And that's the death of "fleek."

D.J., it's girls' night out.

Oh, I know, I'm sorry.
I have laundry to do. Party on without me.

Deej, we planned this whole night for you.

You have to go out and have fun.

I have fun.

Just last night
I stuck my tongue out at Tommy,

and he stuck his tongue out at me,
it was hilarious!

Come on, Deej.
Let yourself have some adult fun.



I'm officially naming the three of us...
the She-Wolf Pack!

Don't ever do that in public.

Look, I can't go out tonight.
I don't have anything to wear.

We knew you'd say that.

Which is why we bought you this.

Whoa.

Is this for me or Malibu Barbie?

Look, I really appreciate all of this,
but I don't have a babysitter.

Oh. We got you a babysitter.

Oh! We got you a babysitter!

- Joey!
- Hi, Deej.

I can't believe you would
fly in from Vegas just to babysit.

Of course we... would.

Looks like you covered everything.

- Yep.
- I'll go upstairs and change.

Ah. No, no, no, no.

If you go upstairs,
you're gonna start doing mom stuff.

You can change in the Uber.

I'm not changing in a car.

What if Uber sees my boobers?

Well, then you won't have to tip.

Deej, changing in a car is no big deal.

Once, I stumbled out of a party,
hopped into a cab,

changed into
a hideous fuchsia bridesmaid's dress

and walked down the aisle
looking better than the bride.

That was my wedding.

Jackson, Max, Ramona,
come say goodbye! Joey's here.

- Hi, kids!
- Whatever.

Oh, I am feeling the love.

Okay, remember, you need to...

Brush your teeth, do your homework,
don't play with matches, blah-blah-blah.

Come on. Let's go.

- Have fun. Bye, girls. Love you.
- Bye. Love you, too.

Alright. Hey, guys...

And I am talking to absolutely no one.

Hey, Tommy, how about these kids today

with the video games
and the electronic devices?

How about you and I have a real,
meaningful conversation?

Whoops! I got a text, buddy. Sorry.

Will you come on?

Come on.

I don't know if I should be tugging
this thing down or pulling it up.

Looking fierce, She-Wolf Pack!

What did we talk about?
We only howl in private.

Do you have reservations?

Yes, I feel like
I should be at home with my kids.

They're with me.

Kimmy Gibbler in the club! Right this way!

Wow!
They really treat you like royalty here.

Velvet rope, glitter pillows.
Our own couch.

Back when Fernando and I were together,
we practically lived here.

I even kept a toothbrush and a clean bra
behind the cash register.

I'm gonna get us some tequila shots.

Make sure mine has extra ice.

And a little umbrella with a cherry in it.

Thank you!

Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me, gentlemen.

Excuse me. Can I get three tequila shots
for me and my girls?

That gaggle of lovely ladies?

My brother and I would love
to give you the gift of alcohol.

But allow us a moment to figure out
which one of us is paying.

Tie.

- Tie.
- Come on, dude.

It's 9:30 on a Friday night
and D.J.'s not in her PJs.

Look at me! I'm rapping!

Hey. Look what I found.
Two studs plus ten shots.

I call dibs on the little one.

- Thanks for the drinks.
- You're quite welcome.

Have a good evening.

And they're sitting.

I'm Maks. This is my brother Val.

I'm Stephanie. This is my sister, D.J.

Sisters with brothers! That's kinky-hot.

To sisters and brothers.

And whoever you are.

To sisters and brothers
and whoever she is.

That's not SunnyD.

Hey. What's up, guys?

I'm watching a live satellite feed
from Pluto.

Not much going on.

You like science?

Alright, here's an impression
of astrophysicist, Neil deGrasse Tyson,

early morning, after breakfast,
cutting the cheese.

Really? Nothing?

Joey, everybody knows that the great
Neil deGrasse Tyson does not fart.

Come on!
I'm here to have fun with you kids.

Ramona, get in here.

That's a bad idea.

What is it?
I'm binge-watching the Sharknado trilogy.

- Come in.
- I'm banned from this room.

Jackson, that is not very nice.

It's okay. I banned myself.

Well, tonight we are going
to have some fun together.

Our first game is called
try and get your devices back.

Joey, get back here!

Joey, get back here!

And the winner of our first game is me

because tonight we are going device-free.

How are we to have any fun
without our stuff?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give to you the Gladstone Gallery
of wacky weapons!

- Holy chalupas!
- Mm-hmm.

These are your classics.

You got your super soakers,
your silly string, your slime rifles

and the granddaddy of 'em all,

a Joey Gladstone-designed
toilet-paper leaf-blower gun.

Could have used this baby
last night at Arby's.

These are for little kids,
so, you little kids, have fun.

She just called you a little kid.
Are you gonna take that?

No, I'm not.

You think that's funny?

Don't I get any silly string?

Not what I meant.

You ain't getting away!

D.J. and I were fighting
over the closet pole.

I let go and she rams it
right through our dad's bedroom wall.

And then we sing this stupid song to Dad
about how much we love him

and he doesn't even notice the hole.

And then of course Michelle walked in
and said, "You got it, dude."

But you weren't even there.

I know, but I'm pretty sure
she walked in and said that.

Oh... It's Macy Gray.

She's my girl.
She is gonna freak when she sees me.

Oh. Like you know Macy Gray!

It so happens that she was singing
at a party I was spinning at in Bangkok.

We got raided by the police,
had to escape on an elephant.

It took a wrong turn and three days later
we woke up in Cambodia.

You just made that up.

Hey, DJ Tanner!

I haven't seen you
since that elephant ride in Cambodia.

- Great to see you.
- Hi.

- Hi, Miss Gray.
- Hello.

- I'm the real D.J. Tanner.
- Oh. Hey.

You spin?

Oh. Well, I used to,
but now I'm more into Pilates.

- Hi, Macy. I'm Kimmy.
- Hi.

- I just have to say, I love your music.
- Thanks!

And your Thanksgiving Day parade.

You know, it takes me all night
to blow up that Kermit balloon.

So, would the sisters
like to dance with the brothers?

Well, we would,
but that would leave Kimmy all alone.

We can find somebody for Kimmy.

The club's full of eye candy.

And butt candy! Yum!

Eww! It's Fernando.

Eww! Fernando.

Who's Fernando?

It's Kimmy's soon-to-be ex-husband.
We don't like him.

Hola, Kimberlina.

Eww! Fernando!

I had a dream that we were here
together again at Euphoria.

But I never dreamed
that my dream would come true.

It's like a dream come true!

Everybody, give it up
for our special surprise guest, Macy Gray!

Thank you. I wanna see all you sexy people
out on the dance floor.

This is from my new album called The Way.

You can buy it online
or out of the trunk of my car.

Kimberlina, may I have this dance?

Look what you have done to my hips.

Now look what you've done to my shoulders.

Everything is wiggling.

- Ignore him.
- But everything is wiggling.

♪ I dream about you baby ♪

♪ You know I know you know
Don't front, I keep you satisfied ♪

♪ And I messed up baby
But I got to really make you mine ♪

♪ And I know you know ♪

♪ I keep you satisfied ♪

♪ And I messed up baby
But I got to really make you mine ♪

♪ The others won't do
I got to get my hands on you ♪

♪ I'm chasin', baby
I'm trackin' you ♪

♪ Got to get my hands on you ♪

♪ I need your loving
I do... ♪

Where did you learn those moves?

I watch Dancing with the Stars every week.

That's impossible. It's seasonal
and rotates with The Bachelorette.

Remember how we always won
Euphoria's Legendary Nightly Dance-Off?

22 weeks in a row.

We dance like two panthers,
assuming panthers can dance.

I've no idea what you're talking about,
but keep wiggling.

I can tell it's been a long time
since you were properly dipped.

Excuse me? Who are you dipping?

And you're back!

The ladies' room was not as crowded
as I hoped.

This is Kimberlina.

Oh! The almost ex-wife.

The way Fernando talks about you, I was
expecting something much more... more.

Another Fernando girlfriend.

I'd ask you your name,
but what's the point?

And I was worried this would be awkward.

I'll see you at the table, papacito.

You dog! You're here with another woman
and you're hitting on me?

No matter who I'm with,
I'm always with you.

I can't believe I let you dip me!

I'm sorry,
but I have to go check on my friend.

Oh, I... There's a...

This... this She-Wolf Pack thing,
I have to go pretend to care.

Just... you keep that motor running, baby.
I will be back.

That's for eating all the raisins
out of the Raisin Bran!

That's for having terrible aim
in the bathroom!

That might have been me.

You try to pee on your tippy-toes.

- Who's there?
- Pizza delivery, dude.

Pizza? Awesome!

I call pizza truce.

Joey!

The old fake pizza delivery trick.

Wait. There's no pizza?

Let me help you with that mess.

Consider yourself wiped.

You guys are pathetic. You couldn't
beat me if it was three on one.

This is not right.
We're a mess and Joey's spotless.

Let's stop sliming each other
and start sliming Joey.

- Yeah.
- So let me get this straight!

There was never any pizza?

Alright, sexy people, it's time now for
Euphoria's Legendary Nightly Dance-Off!

Let's go.

I don't wanna see Fernando's smug face

when he wins
Euphoria's Legendary Nightly Dance-Off.

Kimmy, wait.

Fernando's not winning Euphoria's
whatever, whatever dance thing. You are!

- Dancing with who?
- With me!

We'll do our Dirty Dancing routine
from the fourth-grade talent show!

But we lost.

Well, that's only because I dropped you
and you broke your arm.

You guys,
I'll get Macy to sing "Time Of My Life"

and you two dance like it's 1987.

Aw...

I'm sorry.
It's still She-Wolf drama stuff.

Come on. Ladies, let's go.

Once again, we have no women.

So what? Let's win this thing ourselves.

Prepare to dance.

Macy, I need a big favor.

My sister's best friend needs
to get back at her two-timing ex.

Well, you bring that low-life cheater to
the alley. I'll give him heaven and hell.

I just need you to sing "Time Of My Life"
from Dirty Dancing. Do you know it?

Know it? I'm crazy for Swayze!

- But it's a duet. You gotta help me out.
- I couldn't sing with a star like you.

♪ Now I've had the time of my life ♪

♪ No, I never felt like this before ♪

♪ Yes, I swear, it's the truth ♪

♪ And I owe it all to you ♪

♪ I've been waiting for so long ♪

♪ Now I've finally found someone
To stand by me ♪

♪ We saw the writing on the wall ♪

♪ As we felt this magical
Fantasy ♪

♪ Because I've had the time of my life ♪

♪ No, I never felt this way before ♪

♪ Yes, I swear, it's the truth ♪

♪ And I owe it all to you ♪

♪ 'Cause I've had the time of my life ♪

- Dude, let me lead!
- You always lead!

There's only one way of settling this.

You're out.

♪ And I owe it all to you ♪

You're out.

Okay, it's time now
for the last two couples to battle it out.

There's also a '78 Cadillac Seville

with its lights on in the parking lot.

Is it pink?

Oh, damn, that's mine.

We don't have a chance.

We can win this.

But we're gonna have
to bust out our big Dirty Dancing lift.

The one that broke my arm?

- We can do this.
- Sure that's not the tequila talking?

Well, yeah, it totally is.

You're way out of your league... D.J.

For your information, I'm in a league.

A bowling league.

There's no way you can beat me.

You're not just beating me,
you're beating Kimmy.

And you will break her heart again.

Let me show you how it's done, Grandma.

Toe cramp. Toe cramp.

Ow!

Come on, Kimmy. I got you. I got you.

Help me! Help!

And the winners
are these two luscious lesbians!

Get up here, you sexy people.

We're the sexy people!

And give it up for Macy,
my sister Stephanie and partner Kimmy!

Nobody puts Gibbler in a corner.

Good one, Kimmy.

Oh... I was just gonna stay in tonight,

but my friends insisted
that I go out and have some adult fun.

They knew I needed to take care of me.

Oh, I love you guys so darn much!

Thank you, Euphoria!
And the wait staff and the bartenders.

I wanna thank my fourth-grade
dance teacher, Miss Murray,

who had no faith in me,
but that only made me work harder.

Macy, I'm not finished yet.

Yes, you are.

Shots for everybody!
She-Wolf Pack is buying!

What am I doing here? I won a Grammy.

Joey's sneaking around the house.
He's heading towards the front door.

Okay, everybody, in our positions.

Okay, I hear footsteps.

Beautiful plan gone horribly wrong.

How rude!

In our defense,
we never thought it'd work this well.

But enough about us, how was your night?

I had so much fun making a mess.
I think I have a dark side.

What's happening, Joey?

Please.

Keep in mind, when I got here
I found some kids who didn't get along

and were obsessed
with their electronic devices.

Now I'm leaving you with some pals
who had some great fun together,

the good old-fashioned way,
with family-friendly violence.

Okay, you're welcome. So long, everybody.

Joey, wait! You forgot my hug!

Oh! Sorry, little Max.

I'm sorry.

Told you I had a dark side!