Fuller House (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Save the Dates - full transcript

D.J. has a date with her past that catches her off guard, and Kimmy's date with Fernando is nothing but surprises.

Tommy, I wrote a new song, trying to see
if it appeals to the youth demographic.

And you're about as youth as they get.

Right? Let's see.

What do you think?

Alright, you are ready for the club, kid!

And here comes the bottle service.

Take your time, Max.

One wrong move and it's all over.

Jengaaa...

I know you're trying
to mess with my head.

And it's working.



Easy, easy...

Nobody move but you...

- No!
- Yes!

J-Money, Jenga Master, wins again!

I can't beat you at anything.

Oh, that's not true.

You always beat me at losing.

Hey! That's right.

Hey! That's mean.

That was kinda mean.

You know, I was in the same boat as Max.

I was the little sister
and your mom beat me at everything.

I know. She's always bragging
about kicking your butt at Twister.

She only won
because she was twice my size.



I couldn't quite get my left foot
on green while my right hand was on red.

Now every time I see a stoplight change,
I can smell that cheap vinyl mat.

Okay. I'm back.

Look, just let Max win sometime.

You mean lose on purpose?

I'm not sure if I could do that
if I tried.

Honestly, I'm that good.

Oh, that's just what
your mother used to say.

I've got my big date
with Steve today.

It's been 20 years since we went out.

I've got butterflies.

- You're watching the kids, right?
- Oh, sure.

In fact, I just had
a nice chat with Jackson

about how the older sister,
I mean brother,

shouldn't take advantage
of the younger sister, I mean brother.

Oh, I get it. This is about Twister.

For the last time,

I beat you because I out-played you,

I out-witted you, I out-Twistered you.

Honestly, I'm that good.

Alright. You. Me.
Twister board. High noon.

I've got a date.

High afternoon.

You're on.

Prepare to get twisted, sister.

Kimmy, what are you doing?

I saw the kids playing Jenga
so I thought I'd try it with lunch meats.

Easy now, easy...

Why didn't I pull the pastrami?

Oh, speaking of food,
today's D.J.'s big date with Steve.

- You know I'm Team Steve.
- And I'm Team Matt.

Why? Don't you like Steve?

Oh, no, Steve's great,
I just like rooting against Kimmy.

This thing is just like The Bachelorette.

What? My life is not a reality show.

Are you sure?

You're seeing two guys, going on
a one-on-one date with each of them

and then picking a winner.

Oh, no! I am The Bachelorette.

The way I see it, Matt is the future
and Steve is the past.

Steve's not the past.

Yo, yo, yo. Steve Hale in the house.

Hey, Deej.

Steve, you look...

Younger? Sexier?

No, no,
I was gonna say "squirrel-nestier."

I'm taking D.J. back to when we were
the hottest couple at Bayview High.

Oh, that sounds like so much fun.

Oh, I should go get a scrunchie

and some shoulder pads.

And a pager in case anyone needs
to reach me in the nineties.

She's gone. You guys, talk to me.

What's happening?
Did she have a good date with Matt?

Nothing to worry about.

Yes!

I've gotta patent this Meat Jenga.

Get it in the stores before Christmas.

Kimmy, it's already in the stores.
It's called the deli section.

Guys. Please. Back to my date.

I know I look super cool
but I'm a nervous wreck.

You can win D.J.'s heart.

You're sweet, you're charming,
you're adorable.

You're Steve Hale, damn it.

I'm Steve Hale, damn it.

I was Bay Area "Podiatrist of the Year"
in 2012.

Hey.

We're on like Donkey Kong.

Look, I found my old slap bracelet.

Nice.

Couldn't find my shoulder pads, though,
so I'm using Huggies instead.

You look totally rad.
Okay, Deej, we're outie 5,000.

I've got Alanis Morissette
bumping in the car.

Do you know who that song
is really about?

Steve's so in love with D.J.
he didn't even notice this sandwich.

Three, two, one...

Hey! Is anybody using that sandwich?

Wow!

Yes, ma'am. Gibbler Style
is offering half off

if you book your baby shower
within six months of your bridal shower.

It's our "Don't Do the Math" special.

Hey! What are you doing here?

I have surprises for you.

A surprising number of surprises.

Whoa!

OMG!

You guys were kissing.

We were not kissing.

Your mother had a piece of popcorn
wedged behind her molar

and I was trying to dislodge it
with my tongue.

Just tell me the truth.

The truth is...
your father's lung collapsed

and I was trying to reinflate it.

We're not going to cute story
our way out of this, are we?

Okay, your papa and I have been doing
a little bit of... canoodling...

With a sprinkling of hanky spanky.

So you guys are really back together?

My birthday wish came true!

I'm gonna tweet all my friends about it.
Fernimmy is back.

Fernimmy?

Fernando plus Kimmy equals Fernimmy.

Sounds better than Fergibbler.

Look at us. We even have a couple name.

We are just like Brangelina.

Only we are much better-looking.

Didn't you have a surprise for me?

Ah.

I have a very special day planned
that could change all of our lives.

You are going on a, how do you say...

...scavenger hunt?

Wow. That's exactly how you say it.

In my head, it sounded like gibberish.

Here's your first clue.

"This magical journey begins

in the room that housed
the Katsopolis twins."

It's beautiful!

Oh, Fernando!

You should have.

Come on, Max, you can do this.

See the tower?

Be the tower.

Tower, stay.

Good tower!

Wow, Max. You really put me
in a tough spot here.

Jengaaa, Jackson. Jackson, Jengaaa.

Oh, no!

I did it! I beat Jackson!

Alright! Way to go, Max.

And that's how you Jenga, punk.

I'm the greatest of all time!

Ali, bomaye.

Ali, bomaye.

Ask me where I'm going.

Where are you going?

I'm going to Disneyland!

Last time I ever let him win.

I heard that.

You lost on purpose?

No, no, no, no, no,
you beat me fair and square.

I should've known when you knocked
over the tower on your first move.

I'm sorry, Max. It was my idea.

You didn't think I could beat him?

Well, you are
on a seven-year losing streak.

Can I rephrase that?

No, I get it. I am a loser.

Max, where are you going?

Not to Disneyland.

I'm going to Loserland.

Max? Where are you?

You guys are back early.

Well, it didn't go exactly as planned
but it was still fun.

Yeah, Steve took me to the school gym
to recarve our initials in the bleachers.

But apparently, security frowns
on a grown man in a wig

wandering the halls with a pocket knife.

After we got kicked out of our old
high school, we went to our secret beach.

Which is now a nude beach
for senior citizens.

That was the most disturbing
volleyball game I've ever seen.

But it's all good
because you know what we're gonna do?

We'll move the picnic to the backyard.
I'll make my famous burgers.

Oh, those are great. I love those.
Make mine medium rare.

I'm sorry, it's kind of a date.

Oh, but we'll save you one
if there's extra.

There won't be.

Oh, okay, alright, fine.
I gotta go find Max.

He's not lost.

We were just playing a little game
called "Max, where the heck are you?"

Max, where the heck are you?

- She's so good with the kids.
- Right?

Oh, yeah!

"Your paws and claws
are in for good news.

Go to where Ramona
keeps her shoes."

Mrs. Pham!

It's mani-pedi time!

"If your muscles are sore,
open the other door."

Ah! Magic Fingers Boris!

Ta-da!

Mani-pedi, massage...
You thought of everything.

I sure did.

"I know that you can find this taxing

but grit your teeth,
it's time for a waxing."

Doris!

Before you start ripping out hairs,

I'd like to apologize
for the names I'm about to call you.

Max!

- Are you in the dog house?
- No!

I mean, woof.

Hey! Come on out, buddy.

I'm even a bad hider.

That's how big of a loser I am.

You're not a loser.

You're just not a winner.

I'm really not good at this.

Why can't I ever beat Jackson at anything?

Because you're the little brother
and he's the big brother.

It's a classic Wahlberg scenario.

What's a Wahlberg?

Donnie Wahlberg was the star
of New Kids on the Block.

He dominated his little brother
Marky Mark.

Then one day, Marky Mark put on
a pair of Calvin Klein underwear

and next thing you know, bam,
he's the Wahlberg superstar.

So what you're saying is I need
some magic Wahlberg underwear?

Uh, no, no.

What I'm saying is that someday,
you'll catch up to Jackson.

In the meantime, you have
a little brother of your own.

So enjoy kicking Tommy's butt.

Got it. Good talk.

Much better
than when you called me a loser.

More wine, D.J.?

That's good.

I'm just gonna top you up there.

Just a splash.

We're gonna get started on the burgers.
First, a little fresh-ground pepper.

You've still got
your Tom Cruise Cocktail moves.

Yeah.

I've still got my Swayze moves, too.

Our favorite movie was Ghost.

How could I forget that pottery scene?

That was our make-out movie.

You know, I rented that in 1991
and never returned it.

It's a good thing Blockbuster
went out of business

because my late fees
would be like 200,000 dollars.

Now, sweetheart, you come over here
and help me with these burgers.

Instead of making pottery,
we're making patties.

Egg me.

I love being here with you.

Ditto!

♪ Oh, my love ♪

♪ My darling ♪

♪ I've hungered for your garlic-salt ♪

♪ A long ♪

♪ Lonely time ♪

D.J., there were two Righteous Brothers.

♪ And time goes by ♪

♪ So slowly ♪

♪ And time can do so much ♪

We can do this. Ready?

Ugh.

I'm sorry.

This was way sexier last night
when I was practicing with my dog.

This whole competition thing
is throwing me off.

I think I'm trying too hard.

Yeah, well, you did show up in a wig.

I'm just trying
to recapture the old magic.

We have great memories together.

But... let's make some new magic.

I like the sound of that.

Mom!

I know Aunt Stephanie's in charge, but...

Can I get something to eat?

She didn't feed you?

She gave me a talk. But no food.

Okay, you know what? Plan C.

I'll order some pizzas,
we'll have a family picnic.

With my plan C,
I'd like extra pepperoni.

And extra mushrooms?

And extra onions.

I like the way you order.

♪ I need ♪

♪ Some pizza ♪

98... 99...

100...

Whoa.

I'm all discombobulated.

No, I'm not.

What? No, no!

- Get him, get him.
- You can't take me.

Hit him, man.

One, two, three...

Max and Mom win.

- Nice going!
- Yes!

You were really the captain
of the wrestling team?

I didn't say we were any good.

- Come on!
- Nice!

D.J. Fuller, I'm calling you out.

Trust me, little girl.
You do not want a piece of this.

Oh, no, we're doing this.

I'll spin. I used to love
watching D.J. out-Twister you.

Honestly, she's that good.

Positions, ladies.

Right hand red.

Left foot blue.

Right foot green.

Okay.

Time out for a wardrobe malfunction.

Okay...

Wow, seeing butt...

♪ Oh, my love ♪

Alright...

Resume play.

You wanna give up?

You know how you hate stinky breath?

Well, I had extra onion

and extra garlic

on my onion garlic pizza.

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

Yes, I win again!

Oh, I lose again!

Don't worry, fellow middle kid.

Someday, we'll find
Marky Mark's magic underwear.

As long as he's still in them.

Come on. Let's clean up.

"We end at the site
of Ramona's epic party

where your Latin lover
will sing like Pavarotti."

Kimberlina, mi amor,

I'm going to sing
a song called "Kimberlina, Mi Amor."

I wrote the lyrics
and Stephanie wrote the music.

And you still owe me the twenty bucks.

♪ Kimberlina, mi amor ♪

♪ You're the one that I adore ♪

♪Your perfect body is beyond compare ♪

♪ I'm in ecstasy when I stroke your hair ♪

I'm too emotional to finish the song.

Stephanie,
you must finish the song for me.

No, I must not.

You must.

This is the most romantic day of my life.

Please, Stephanie.
You sing so beautifully.

That's true.

♪ And touch your sweet face... ♪

Stephanie, please!

You must perform my lyrics.

They express my deepest feelings.

Come on, Steph. Sell it.

♪ When I look into your eyes ♪

♪ And touch your sweet face ♪

♪ Makes me want to nibble you
All over the place ♪

Keep nibbling. Nibble north.

Nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble.

Good!

Are you too choked up to do this?

Look at me. I'm a case of baskets.

♪ There is no greater joy
Than holding you near ♪

♪ Gently blowing Mi Amor
Into your perfect ear-shaped ear ♪

Whoo!

You're really good at this!

Keep singing, sugar.

♪ When I dream of you at night ♪

♪ My heart does flips ♪

♪ I must plant my kiss of fire
On your red and plumpy lips ♪

No, no, I'm not... I'm not doing that.

No way you're stopping now.

That's enough.

I can take it from here.

♪ Kimberlina, Kimberlina, Kimberlina ♪

♪ Mi amor ♪

Kimberly Louise Gibbler...

Will you make me
the happiest man on earth

and divorce me?

Divorce?

You signed the papers?

You went through all this
just to end our marriage?

Wow. This took a turn.

It's what you've been asking for
for the last two years.

I know.

I made mistakes.

And I was not the man you deserve.

But now...

our love can begin anew...

Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes.

Or a falcon,
rising from Burt's Falcon Shop.

Thank you, Carlito.

Am I crazy or did a bird
just fly in here with a ring?

Both.

Kimberlina...

my life has been so empty
since we got divorced twenty seconds ago.

Will you make me the happiest man
on earth and marry me?

I'm going to need some time
to get over this divorce.

Okay, I'll marry you.

Ramona! Boys! Come out!

Good news!

- Your mother and I got divorced.
- What?

But now we're getting married.

You guys are both nuts.

That's why you're perfect for each other.
Congratulations!

Mrs. Pham,
Boris, Doris! She said yes!

Say what you will about our date
but it wasn't this weird.

Okay, Tommy...

This is your first Jenga match.

So don't be nervous.

You beat me, Tommy. Now, you'll have
a shot at a happy childhood.

And with any luck,
you won't end up in therapy like I will.

Awesome day today, Max.
I'll see you later, okay?

When's our next play date?

I'll have my mommy call your mommy.

You know, this turned out
to be such a great date,

once we stopped being on a date.

I loved every minute.

You never know
when the kids are going to pop up

so I'm just gonna say goodbye
with a sweet little kiss.

Team Steve is back in the running.

Yeah.
I'd say he and Matt are neck and neck.

Who will get the final rose?

Find out next week, on the most dramatic
episode of The Bachelorette yet.

You know we can hear you?

Oh, yeah, we know.