Full House (1987–1995): Season 8, Episode 4 - I've Got a Secret - full transcript

Danny causes problems for Michelle when she joins a secret club. D.J. becomes jealous when Kimmy dates her former boyfriend. Jesse and Rebecca agree to divulge the names of their past loves.

Alrighty, boys. Raising these
seats should be a simple operation.

Step number one:

Hitch up your pants so
your butt crack doesn't show.

That's right. Very good.

Now listen. Watch the master...

and do exactly
what I do at all times.

All right?

Here we go.

All right, step number two:

We loosen the nut under here.

All right?



This one's a little tight.

Knock here, we just...

Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh,
pain, pain, pain.

- Pain, pain, pain.
- Pain, pain, pain.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Mighty Mutant Super Kids, we
have destroyed the forces of evil.

[LAUGHS]

Time to mutate
back into regular kids.

[ALL MOANING]

[DEREK CONTINUES MOANING]

Derek. We're done mutating.

Sorry. I got lose
on the super side.



Hey, why don't we start a
Mighty Mutant Super Kids club?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But it has to be a secret.
We can't tell anybody.

Especially grownups.

ALL: Yeah.

I propose we take an oath.

Do we swear never to tell anyone
about the Mighty Mutant Super Kids club?

ALL: I swear.

And if you tell, you have
to pull out your toenails...

and eat them.

ALL: Ew!

Lisa, you're gross.

Yeah.

Now we need to pick a president.

I pick me. All in favor
say, "Aaron rules."

Perhaps our leader should be
whoever is able to purchase...

a Mighty Mutant Super Fortress.

How are we gonna get all that
money without telling anyone?

Whoever figures that out
deserves to be president.

Yeah.

[ALL WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, Deej. The Giants are playing
the Dodgers and I got an extra ticket.

Oh, thanks, Kimmy, but if I
wanna see a man spit and scratch...

I'll just watch Joey
polish the silver.

I figured you wouldn't
wanna go, so I asked Nelson.

I only broke up with
the guy a few weeks ago.

I know. I'm going for
that rebound thing.

Do you mind? You're
not jealous, are you?

Of you and Nelson?

Somehow I don't think so.

Oh, so just because
Nelson's rich and handsome...

he couldn't possibly
be interested in me?

No, I didn't mean it that way. I
just meant that we're different.

I mean, some people like steak,
and some people like chicken.

Are you calling me a chicken?

No, of course not. Tell you
what, you can be the steak.

Oh, so now I'm a pig?

Kimmy, steak comes from a cow.

A cow?

That's the final insult.

Hey, Nicky, Alex. Come
here. Give your uncle a hug.

ALEX: Hi, Uncle Danny.

Thank you. Oh!

Hey. So, what did you
guys do at the park?

I ate dirt.

Why?

I told him to.

Stephanie. What
are you doing here?

Why are you using my
KISS T-shirt as a rag?

Because it was in the rag pile.

Rag pile? Why was
it in the rag pile?

Well, I put it in the rag pile.
You never wear that shirt.

Well, this is my KISS T-shirt.

I'm saving it for
sentimental reasons.

Man, I used to love KISS.

Remember the
guy with the tongue?

Rock 'n' roll!

- Rock 'n' roll!
- Rock 'n' roll!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that's nice. Nice
role model, Joey. Thanks.

Come on, boys. I'll show
you how to lick a stamp...

when it's already
in the mailbox.

I'm really sorry about your shirt. I
didn't realize you were a big KISS fan.

Well, I'm not. It's just...
It was a gift, you know?

I see.

What was her name?

Why do you automatically
assume it was a woman?

You see what I'm
dealing with here?

[CLEARS THROAT]

It was Allison White, actually.

She was the first girl I
ever took to a concert.

There, you happy now?
You badgered it out of me.

I can't believe you lost
every tie I ever bought you...

and you've saved
that shirt for 15 years.

It's actually 14 years.

Well, this girl was
obviously very special to you.

No. No.

If she was so special, we would
have gone through with the marriage.

You were engaged to her?

Well, not "engaged" engaged
like... Like... Like we were engaged.

Things were different. When
you're 16, you're at a drive-in...

the windows are up, you're not
getting oxygen, you'll say anything.

Look. Didn't you have some guy
in your past that I don't know about?

Well, sure I did. A ton of them.

Ton, huh?

Is that one really big fat
one, or a bunch of little ones?

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

It was a lot of good-looking
ones with really nice hair.

[SCOFFS]

Make me laugh. Ha, ha, ha.

- Would you like me to make a list for you?
- Fine.

See that? That was a bad move.

- And I'll make a list for you.
- Fine.

See, that was a really bad move.

Daddy, can I have $39?

Absolutely not.

Joey, can I have $39?

Absolutely.

Danny, can I borrow $39?

Absolutely not.

- Michelle, what's going on?
- That's a secret.

Fine, honey. You keep your
secret, and I'll keep my $39.

Okay, okay.

But swear you won't tell,
or you have to eat toenails.

That's a standard
oath. Just go with it.

Okay, I swear.

Okay. We started a Mighty
Mutant Super Kids club...

and it's my first secret
club and it's really cool.

And whoever gets a Super
Fortress gets to be president. Let's go.

Michelle, come on. It's not your
birthday and it's not Christmas.

And I think $39 is
too much for a toy.

Even if you could squeeze
the money out of him...

you'd never get ahold
of a Super Fortress.

They're sold out in
every toy store in town.

How would you know that?

Well, I might just have my
name on a few waiting lists.

Nelson. I didn't know
you were coming over.

Kimmy asked me to meet her here.

Her mom's having
an electrolysis party.

- So how've you been?
- Oh, keeping busy.

But not with anyone in particular.
Just lots of different people.

Yeah, me too. Lots of different
people. Who can keep count?

A one-armed man?

Good evening, all.

Kimmy?

Oh, hello, Nelson.

Kimmy. There's something
different about you.

You look so lifelike.

Actually, you look lovely.

We still have some time before the game.
Would you like to get some crêpe suzette?

Well, I'm not that
into Greek food...

but, si, señor.

Well, I guess we better
get going. Allow me.

No, no, no. Allow me.

I must report I failed dismally
at procuring a Super Fortress.

Me too. What he said.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Who is it? DANNY: Dad.

You can't come in. You
could be Fungo, the evil wizard.

DANNY: I got popcorn.

Bring it on, Fungo.

- Hey. ALL: Popcorn!

Hey, it sure looks like the Mighty Mutant
Super Kids club has super appetites.

Hey. That's a secret.

How did you know we were the
Mighty Mutant Super Kids club?

Well...

I don't know. You just seem
so mighty and mutant-like.

Michelle, you told our secret.

Is this good popcorn or what?

Don't fill up on
popcorn, Michelle.

You're eating toenails.

Oh.

You're out of the club.

Let's go.

I'm afraid we'll
need that headband.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, Michelle. Come on,
I'm sorry. It was an accident.

Best secret club in the whole
world and now I'm out of it.

How could I blurt out
Michelle's secret like that?

Hey, you made a mistake.
Doesn't make you a bad person.

Just a bad person
to tell a secret to.

Hey, honey, how's it going?

I'd tell you, but you'd blab.

Can't you just call your
friends and apologize?

I called Derek. He said I
should find a new social circle.

Come on, Comet.
We'll start our own circle.

[BARKS]

Well, there goes my
father-of-the-year award.

I'll bet she'd forgive you if
you got her back in that club.

How am I supposed to do that?

Well, the word is on the
street that the Toy Basement...

is expecting a big shipment
of Super Fortresses...

coming up from Panama tomorrow.

So you're saying that I should just
throw principle right out the window...

and buy Michelle's
way back into the club?

Exactamundo.

That could work.

Aunt Becky, are you busy?

No, I'm just making up a list
of all the guys I went out with.

And all the guys I
wish I'd gone out with.

And a few guys I made up
just to drive your uncle crazy.

Relationships are so confusing.
Even when they're over.

I broke up with Nelson, but he
went out with Kimmy last night...

and it's driving me crazy.

Well, do you wanna get
back together with Nelson?

No. I just don't want
Kimmy to have him, either.

That sounds bad, doesn't it?

No. Everybody gets
jealous sometimes.

The important thing
is how you handle it.

I am making up a phony list.

Larry...

couch. Couchman. Larry Couchman.

Hey, Beck. Oh, sorry.
Am I interrupting you guys?

It's okay, I'm leaving.

- Thanks for listening, Aunt
Becky. BECKY: You're welcome.

So, Beck, you ready to take
a stroll down ex-lover's lane?

- That's your list?
- Yep.

Well, I narrowed it down to
just the ones I really cared about.

Um...

- I may need some more time.
- No, no, no. Time's up.

It's time for you to read.

Go ahead.

"Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca...

Rebecca, Rebecca,
Rebecca, Rebecca."

How many Rebeccas did you date?

Only one.

She's more important than
any ratty old KISS T-shirt...

or any ratty old girlfriend or anything
else in my life before you came into it.

Oh, honey.

It's a good thing that we
love each other so much...

and we have nothing
to be jealous of.

Right.

Except, of course, that
list you're trying to hide.

- What list?
- That list.

Honey.

Who's Vito Endtableini?

MAN [OVER P.A.]:
Attention shoppers.

The Toy Basement will
be opening in 10 seconds.

- Hey. They told me to stand
here. MAN: Please, no pushing.

Hey, my nose.

I can't breathe.
Open the door. Open.

[SHOPPERS SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

DANNY: My back.
Watch your heels.

Get up, men.

- Come on. WOMAN 1: Hey, let go.

WOMAN 2: Hey.
Hey, let go. It's mine.

- Danny, give me your hand.
- Not now, Joey.

- No, I've got a plan. Come
over here. DANNY: What?

All right. Jess, here.
Put your foot in here.

Yeah, that's a good
idea. I'll get a closer look.

- A much closer
look. JOEY: Ready?

- One, two.
- Two.

JOEY: Aah!

Watch it, watch it. The
hair. The hair. The hair.

- Joey, I'm going in after him.
- Don't be a fool.

If I don't come out,
tell the girls I love them.

And never forget to use a coaster.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.

Let go. Joey, I got one.

Basement, please.

[CRYING]

Are you okay?

I hurt my finger,
mister. I think it's broken.

- Oh, let's take a look here.
- Hey, ma, I got one.

Hey, give that
back. That's mine.

Mommy!

- Mommy's here.
JOEY: Mommy's here.

I believe that toy
belongs to my daughter.

Gee, your hand smells terrific.

Got one. It's all mine.

Sorry, lady. I thought
your legs were wider.

And your purse was softer.

Hey. Aah!

Hey, Danny. How'd
it go over there?

Not well.

MAN [OVER P.A.]: Attention
shoppers. We're sorry to announce...

we're temporarily out
of Super Fortresses.

DANNY: Jesse. Oh, man.

JOEY: Come on, Jess.
DANNY: You okay, buddy?

- Get up, get up. DANNY:
Come on, come on.

They messed up my hair.

Oh, look what they
did to Mr. Good Part.

- Shake it off. We gotta get you home.
- Come on, let's go.

You're okay.

Psst. Psst.

MAN: Hey, guys.

You looking for
Super Fortresses?

Could you pass me
another muffin please?

Thanks.

[SINGING] I am
so beautiful to me

I just lost my appetite.

Oh, in that case, you won't
be needing this. Thank you.

Hey, Kimmy, how's it...?

What the heck is
that on your neck?

Looks like a hickey.

Don't tell me Nelson
gave you a love bite.

Sorry. I'm not the type
to be nibbled and tell.

Kimmy, I want you to know that whatever
happened between you and Nelson...

And I don't need details.

I wish you the best.

Well, Deej, I thought you said that
Nelson couldn't be interested in me.

I know. I'm sorry.

I guess the only reason I said
that was because I was jealous.

You were jealous of me?

Wow.

My whole life, you were always up
here and I was always down here.

Now I'm up here,
and you're down here.

Cool.

Kimmy, I'd like to
think of it more as here.

I can live with that.

Thanks, Deej.

Kimmy, there's a picture on the
sports page that looks just like you.

Oh, it couldn't be.

- Gotta go.
- Hold it.

It says here, "An overexcited
fan leaned over the fence...

to pinch the batboy and
took a foul ball to the neck."

Kimmy.

The worst part is I missed the batboy
and got a handful of Tommy Lasorda.

- Bye.
- See you.

Bye.

Michelle, why did your
dad call us all here?

I don't know. He's not home yet.

It better be good.

That's just what I was thinking.

Dad. What happened
to your shirt?

Same thing that happened
to my ribs, but you can see it.

All right. Aaron, Derek, Lisa. I got a
little business proposition for you guys.

We're listening.

All right. This club
means a lot to Michelle.

If you let her back in, I'll
give you what's in the bag.

Without seeing it? You
must think we're stupid.

I'm afraid, in his own
rude way, Aaron is right, sir.

Okay. You guys
drive a hard bargain.

But feast your eyes on...

ALL: Super Fortress!

AARON: Cool. Look.

Super fake.

Yeah. This is not an
official Super Fortress.

Super Mandy looks
like Abraham Lincoln.

And I believe the evil Fungo bears a
striking resemblance to Herbert Hoover.

This is just a cheap imitation.

Cheap?

I paid 75 bucks to a guy
in an alley for this stuff.

Seventy-five dollars?

They saw you coming.

[LAUGHING]

Stop it. It's not funny.

It's okay, honey, it's okay.

No. You tried harder
than anyone to help me.

And your shirt got all
ripped, and you got all dirty.

I think you're the best
dad in the whole world.

Thank you.

That's real sweet. But
you're still out of the club.

Who cares about
your stupid club?

I'll start my own club and
none of you guys can be in it.

Wait. Wait a minute.
That's not right.

Whole reason to be in a club is to
hang out with friends and have fun.

But if you're gonna fight
all the time, what fun is that?

Well, what fun is it having a
secret if somebody blabs it?

Our young mutant friend
here makes a good point.

Okay, perhaps it was a mistake for
Michelle to tell me about your secret club.

Big mistake.

And it was a mistake for
me to blab it to you guys.

Bigger mistake.

And it was a mistake for me to try
and bribe her way back into the club.

We're all in agreement
that mistakes were made.

That doesn't mean you can't be friends.
You still like each other, don't you?

I still like Michelle.

Me too.

[GRUNTS]

Yeah. I like you too.

I like you guys too.

I think Michelle
should be reinstated.

Why don't we just
let her back in?

Right.

Ready?

- Mighty.
- Mutant.

- Super.
- Kids.

And their dads.

Dad. Don't push it.

Right. Well, you guys have
fun. I'm gonna start my own club.

The Mighty Mutant
"I'm All Alone" Dad club.

ALL: Yeah.

Let's mutate.

[ENGLISH SDH]