Full House (1987–1995): Season 8, Episode 22 - All Stood Up - full transcript

Come on, Michelle. We're
supposed to do the dishes.

Start without me.

Hey, jacks. Gosh, I was
never any good at that.

Really? Wanna play?

Loser does the dishes.

Well, call me a
sucker, but okay.

Whoever picks up the most
jacks in one bounce, wins.

I'll go first.

Wow. Four jacks. It's
gonna be hard to beat.

Well, here goes.

Wow, what do you
know? I got them all. Tsk.



You tricked me.

Don't forget to dry.

[GRUNTS]

You see, Comet. You
don't mess with the kid.

Hey, Deej. Remember that
guy I was telling you about?

Ryan? Captain of the track team?

You finally talked to him?

Well, almost. I dropped my
pencil and he picked it up.

And...?

He kept it.

You didn't say anything?

I tried to.

I mean, my brain said speak, but my
mouth was too busy grinning like an idiot.

Why don't you invite
him to that dance?



Invite him?

No. That would require talking
and my mouth is just not cooperating.

- Write him a note.
- He's got my pencil.

Steph? That food drive's
about to get a major donation.

- I just hit the mother lode.
- You cleaned out the cupboards?

Nope. Joey's footlocker.

There was a layer of underpants
and then nothing but Spam.

Okay, Mr. Katsopolis,
we're almost finished.

With your new life insurance policy,
I need to check your blood pressure.

Okay, check away. I'm in excellent health.
You know, heart strong. Lungs clear.

Hair perfect.

[AIR HISSING]

- Hmm.
- What "Hmm"? Split ends? What?

Your blood pressure
is a little over average.

Oh, why, thank you.

I've always prided myself
as being a cut above. Heh.

Actually, it's not really a good thing.
Have you been under any stress lately?

Are you kidding? Mister
Rogers watches me to relax.

- You have been under a lot of stress.
- What are you talking about?

Your radio show lost
its biggest advertiser.

So?

I didn't wanna mention
the letter from the IRS.

- What letter?
- The one I don't want to mention.

Well, they had a little problem with you
claiming your hair dryer as a dependent.

It's got its own room.

- Mr. Katsopolis.
- What?

I'll check your pressure next
week. If it stays at this level...

I'm afraid the company's gonna
ask for a pretty high premium.

If I were you, I would take
some quiet time. Try to relax.

[TAPPING]

- Thank you very much. Bye.
- Quite welcome. Bye.

"Relax." Nothing makes me more
nervous than someone telling me to relax.

Honey, you need to do something
to try to reduce your stress level.

You have to take
care of yourself.

Come on, I want us to
grow old and gray together.

Well, how about just old?

Because as long as I have a squeeze bottle
and rubber gloves, just call me Blackie.

- Blackie.
- Hey, hey.

[CHUCKLES] See you later, Steph.

See you later.

There's Ryan.

If you're really gonna
ask him to the dance,

here's your chance.
Go for it, Tanner.

- I can't do this.
- Come on, Steph, he's only a guy.

They're just like us, except
they pants each other.

Yeah. You're right.
Okay, I can do this.

All right. Here goes nothing.

- Um... Heh.
- Yeah.

[CLEARING THROAT, COUGHING]

Are you choking?

No, I just...

[CLEARING THROAT]

I was wondering if you would
like to go to the dance with me.

You're asking me to the dance?

Yeah. Unless you don't want to. In
which case, I'd like my pencil back.

Your pencil?

- Never mind. See you.
- Wait.

I'll go to the dance with you.

Really?

Wow, great. Bye.

It might help if you
told me your name. Heh.

Yeah, it might. Well, I'm
Stephanie Judith Tanner...

and I live at 1882
Girard Street...

and my turnoffs are
smoking and open-toed shoes.

But if I keep going on, we'll have nothing
to talk about at the dance. Heh. Bye.

Yes.

Ahh...

Yes. See, boys, not only do I
relax by building the hammock, but...

Here's the beauty of it.

Once I've built it, I can
relax in the thing that I built.

BOTH: Oh.

Do you know what he said?

No, just keep nodding.

You and I need to talk.

Unless what you're gonna say will
help me relax, I don't wanna hear it.

Now, all I have to do is
place the final cap on...

and I will be relaxing in my
hammock, peaceful and serene.

- Ho Ho?
- Out of the hammock!

[IMITATING RALPH] Sheesh.
What a grouch, eh, boys?

Let's go. Alice, Trixie.

Will you...?

"Alice, Trixie."

[EXHALES]

Finally. Ahh.

Some peace and quiet.

[BAGPIPE PLAYING]

Gibbler!

[STOPS PLAYING]

Greetings, hairmeister.

What are you killing back there?

[IN BAD FOREIGN ACCENT]
I am practicing the bagpipes...

for the Scottish music
festival at the school.

That's not a Scottish accent.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I didn't
say I was practicing my accent.

Don't get your kilt
in a knot, McGreasy.

The festival is next week.

After that, this place will
be quieter than Loch Ness.

Yeah, but I'll still be
stuck with a monster.

I can't wait a week to relax,
so take your bagpipes and blow.

Don't mind if I do.

[RESUMES PLAYING]

All right, two can play
this game, Gibbler, two.

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

See, Joseph. I programmed all kinds of
sampled sounds here into my keyboard.

I'm gonna blow Gibbler
right out of the water.

You know, Jess, this can't possibly
be good for your blood pressure.

You should really think
about having a Ho Ho.

I find that sucking out the cream
filling is just doggone relaxing.

Mmm.

Joseph... And I mean
this in the nicest way.

Shut your Ho Ho hole.

Ho Ho hole secure, sir.

All right, now,
watch the master.

[SIREN WAILING]

[SOUNDS OF GUNFIRE]

[SOUND EFFECTS STOP]

Hey, I'm trying to
practice, "Moldy-locks."

Oh, yeah?

[JET ROARING]

I'm warning you, cut
out this racket right now.

Or what?

[JACKHAMMER DRILLING]

Fine, you want war? You got it.

Hmm.

[RESUMES PLAYING BAGPIPE]

[EXPLOSION]

[STOPS PLAYING BAGPIPE]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Okay, D.J., Hula Hoop.
Loser feeds Comet for a week.

Am I playing you or Comet?

Me.

Well, in that case,
let's make it two weeks.

Thank you, Comet. Let
me just deslobberize this.

Okay, Michelle, how do
you wanna do this? Neck?

Waist?

Or feet?

What will it be,
Comet? Kibbles or bits?

[COMET WHIMPERS]

First thing you do when you get
to the dance, locate the fire exits.

Keep your eye on your coat...

and if the punch smells
funny, don't drink it.

But above all, have fun.

You must have been a
real party animal, Dad.

- In my day. D.J.: Ahem.

Let's see. My lipstick,
my eyeliner, my blush.

I hope my face has
a good time tonight.

- What time's Ryan getting here?
- He's supposed to pick me up at 7, so...

It's 7:01, he's not coming.

- No, Steph, don't panic.
- I'm sure he's just running late, honey.

Yeah. You're right, I'll just
sit here and chill awhile.

Hmm.

[SIGHS]

Whoa, would you look at that?
The entire New York skyline, huh?

There's the World Trade Center, and
that must be the Chrysler Building, huh?

It's official.

Ryan's not coming.

Steph, you don't
know that for sure.

Dad, I was supposed to
be home 10 minutes ago.

Well, maybe something happened.

Something did happen.

I've been stood up.

You know, I can't believe
that track troll stood you up.

I know. If he didn't wanna go, he
should have had the guts to say so.

There he is.

I'm gonna tell him off.

And if he doesn't have a good
excuse, you better put the nurse on call.

Better than ever.

[BOYS CHUCKLE]

- Hey, Ryan. RYAN: Yeah.

- Three-thirty, track practice.
- All right. Heh.

Excuse me, Ryan?

Very cool, Spam delivers. Heh.

No, we don't. I mean, they
don't. This is for the food drive.

Ryan, I am Danny Tanner,
Stephanie Tanner's father.

Oh, yeah. Listen,
about the dance.

All the guys on the track team
decided to go to the movies and skip it.

No big deal.

Let me ask you this.

If all the guys on the team decided
to shave their heads, would you?

We did. Last year,
before the state finals.

Okay, bad example.

Look, Mr. Tanner, it
was nothing personal.

Maybe not to you.

You didn't see Stephanie on the couch
all by herself, dressed up, no place to go.

She took it pretty hard, huh?

She was devastated. It broke my
heart to see the tears in her eyes.

Oh, I didn't think
I'd make her cry.

You didn't think about
her feelings at all.

Not only did you
ruin her night...

but you missed out on getting
to know a really terrific person.

Maybe next time, Ryan, you should
think about someone beside yourself.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got canned meat to deliver.

Well, what do you hear?

- Oddly enough, the ocean.
- Give me that.

What you hear is
silence because Gibbler's

finally realized she
is no match for the kid.

- Hm-hm.
- Joseph, if you will.

[OSTRICH SCREECHING]

Rats.

Gah. Gibbler, what is that?

It's an ostrich.

I borrowed him from my
Uncle Johan's budget safari.

You wanted war, you got it.

Strap a muzzle on that beak.
And keep the bird quiet too.

No can do. You see,
it's mating season.

So you'll be hearing Oscar's
love calls for the next eight weeks.

Eight weeks?

By the way, I suggest not wearing
anything with feathers for a while.

[SCOFFS]

Gibbler thinks she can intimidate
me with some squawking...

long-necked,
big-beak... Ah, ah, ah!

My hair.

Sector 14.

Oh, D.J., I finally found
something I could beat you at.

You're going down.

Give it up, Michelle.

You're already doing my
chores until the end of the century.

If you're so sure of yourself,
how about double or nothing?

You're on, kid.

Good. Follow me.

Okay. But don't forget,
I'm older, I'm wiser...

You're also taller.

Let's get ready to limbo.

Michelle, this
is totally unfair.

That's the beauty of it.

[LIMBO MUSIC PLAYS]

D.J., your turn.

How low can you go?

[SIGHS]

Uhn! Not that low. I don't think
my body bends that way anymore.

Okay, Michelle. You win.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Finally, I beat my big
sister at something.

Michelle, that was
sneaky and underhanded.

I've taught you well.
Congratulations.

Let's go limbo Joey
for his comic books.

You are on a roll.

Deej, did I just
hear limbo music?

What you heard
was the end of an era.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hey, guys. DANNY: Hey.

The coolest thing happened
today. Ryan apologized.

Really? What did he say?

He was sorry about what happened,
and he wants to make it up to me...

by buying me a
pizza at the mall.

That is great, sweetheart.

Maybe Ryan had a little chat with an older,
sensible, wise-as-the-ages role model...

who showed him
the error of his ways.

Maybe he just likes me.

Or that.

- Steph, I gotta talk to you.
- Oh, and I have to talk to you.

- Ryan apologized.
- I know.

The whole school knows.

Your dad chased
him down the hall...

clobbered him with canned ham,
and then shoved him in a locker.

It was not a canned
ham, it was Spam.

- You clobbered him with Spam?
- I didn't clobber him with anything.

Dad, you went to her school?

Hasn't she suffered enough?

I was there for the food drive. I
bumped into Ryan, and we had a little talk.

You talked to him?

Oh, no. What did you say?

Nothing.

Okay, I told him that
what he did was wrong.

And that he was missing out
on knowing a really great person.

And that he really hurt you.

- You didn't tell him I cried?
- No. Never. Of course not. No way.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Ugh. I wanna transfer.

I'm not gonna let
you change schools.

I wanna change dads.

Look, I didn't mean
to embarrass you.

It just hurt me to see
how much he hurt you.

I'm sorry.

I hope someday you understand.

The only thing I understand is
I have to eat pizza with a guy...

who's only talking to me
because Dad threatened him.

Well, Steph, just talk to him
and be completely honest.

Say Dad was exposed
to toxic cleaning fumes...

and has been disoriented
for the past 10 years.

Wait. Who says
you even have to go?

Hey, you're right.

I mean, he doesn't wanna be
there. I don't wanna be there.

I'll do us both a favor
and stand him up.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

This is beautiful. Just beautiful. I'm
gonna get some rest in my back yard.

[OSTRICH SCREECHING]

I'm gonna build the ultimate
soundproof wall all the way across here.

Check this out. Hey. Hey, stupid bird. I'd
like to see you try to get through this.

Let me tell you something, okay.

That bird's not gonna mess with me,
or he's gonna end up in a bucket of KFC.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ow!

[SCREECHING]

JESSE: Hair. Not the
hair. Whoo-hoo-hoo.

JESSE: Ho! Ho!

Help! Oh, oh, ah!

Ah, ah, ah, hey, hoo! Ho, hoh!

Wow, Oscar's mating
call is louder than usual.

That's because he's
found a mate. Come on.

- Jess, come on. Come on up.
- Ow.

[GASPS]

Honey, are you okay?

I think so.

[SCREECHING RESUMES]

[SHOUTS]

What did you do to my bird?

- Not half of what I'm gonna do to you.
- One step closer, you're ostrich chow.

[WHISTLES]

[ROARS]

Jess, you have let this
thing get way out of hand.

Now, your blood pressure's
probably off the charts.

Helmet-Head's got
high blood pressure?

You ought to try to relax.

That's why I was
building the wall.

Kimmy, can we please
put a stop to this?

I'm sure that you don't wanna
jeopardize Jesse's health.

Well, of course not. If he
croaks, I can't bug him anymore.

You see that, Jess? Underneath
it all, she really almost cares.

And I know you almost care
about her. So how about a truce?

Well, she's got to agree to
give me some peace and quiet.

What's in it for me?

All right, well, I'll
agree to ignore you...

and treat you like the
irritating pest that you truly are.

- Well, okay. But on one condition.
- What's that?

Give me a hug, you big galoot.

I'd rather take my
chances with Oscar.

Jess, please, let's
stop the madness.

Come on, give her a hug.

BECKY: There you go.

[GROANING]

Ah, ah, ah! Becky, Becky, Becky.

- Becky. Ah.
- Honey. Honey.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Hope you're happy.

I'm not doing too badly.

Stephanie stood me up.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ryan. Must
be some kind of mix-up.

Come on in. Steph, are you home?

I sat at the mall
for over two hours.

The guy at the piano-and-organ
store played "Mandy" 32 times.

Ryan, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here? You
were supposed to meet me at the mall.

Listen, I know the only
reason you asked me out...

was because my dad
threatened you with a canned ham.

It was Spam.

Look, your dad
didn't threaten me.

He just made me realize
what a rat I was to stand you up.

Really?

And I guess I was a
rat to stand you up.

Well, you know, two rats
don't make a wrong. Heh.

Didn't make a lot of sense,
but it kind of fit, didn't it?

Listen, we kind of got
off on the wrong foot.

Actually, we didn't
really get off on any foot.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you think we
could start over?

I'd like that.

I'm Ryan. Wanna
go get some pizza?

- Yeah, okay. But it's on me.
- Got it.

Dad?

Okay. Here's 20
grand, your inheritance.

- See you.
- Bye. Have fun.

[DOOR CLOSES]

What's this for?

For being an involved loving
father who sticks up for his daughter.

Thanks, honey.

[CHUCKLES] But
don't ever do it again.

[ENGLISH SDH]