Full House (1987–1995): Season 8, Episode 16 - Air Jesse - full transcript

When D.J and Kimmy plan a celebrity charity basketball game, D.J. recruits her family to play. Jesse is embarrassed to admit he can't play basketball. Jesse is coached by a pro--KAREEM ...

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Steph.

Hey. I finished my
project for sewing class.

I designed it myself.

Well, how does it look?

Like you designed it yourself.

Don't hold back, Michelle.

Okay. It's ugly too.

Steph, I think that
your blouse is beautiful.

- You do?
- You do?

Absolutely.

Oh.



Well, I'm glad someone
around here has taste.

Aunt Becky, you actually
thought that blouse was beautiful?

Well, no. But I didn't
wanna hurt her feelings.

- So you lied?
- No.

I bent the truth.

Exaggerated a bit. Put
a pleasant spin on things.

So you lied.

Why do they call them
sloppy joes, Daddy?

Well, you just keep your
eye on Uncle Joey at dinner.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Guess who we got to referee our
school fundraiser basketball game.

- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
- No way.

Good, you got all three
of them. That's nice.

You don't know much
about sports, do you?



It just so happens that
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar...

And that's one person.

Yeah. He's one of the
greatest basketball players ever.

Since we thought of this, Kimmy
and I get to coach the celebrity teams.

Yeah, I'm coaching the Happy
News team from channel 43.

- And we're gonna kill your team.
- I don't even have a team yet.

Hmm. This is gonna
be easier than I thought.

See you, squirts.

And since the game is three-on-three, all
I need are three local media personalities.

Say, a couple of deejays
and a talk show host?

- I'm in.
- I'm in.

- I'm out of here.
- Jess.

Come on. Basketball
is the national pastime.

No, that's baseball.

It's the sport of kings.
No, that's horseracing.

Where America shops?

Sears.

Let's try a new road. Uncle Jesse,
you'd be doing it for a good cause.

Yeah, when you think of it, Jess,
it is a great way to get all sweaty...

before your Saturday-night bath.

Heh. Guys, just
forget it, all right?

Sports intimidate me.
I've never been good.

I remember the names they used to call me
as a kid. "Fumble Fingers, Captain Klutz."

- Ah, kids can be so cruel.
- Those were my parents.

No, no, no.

My policy's always been:
"Just say no to sports."

I can't do it. I
just can't do it.

- You can do anything.
- Well, there's one vote of confidence.

Come on, we'll help you. We'll take you to
the park, get in some intensive training.

Do it, Daddy. Please?

- Please, please, please?
- Please, please, please?

Well, all right. What the
heck. I'll do it for the boys.

- Cool.
- Double cool.

All right then. This Saturday
I'll strap on a helmet...

and I'll meet you right out
there on that basketball field.

Jess, it's the old
basketball court.

I think he's actually
gonna need that helmet.

Aunt Becky, I have a question.
What do you call a boy ladybug?

Confused.

Hey, Aunt Becky.

- I have a surprise for you.
- Oh.

Since you love the blouse I made at
school so much, I'm giving it to you.

[IN CHEERFUL
VOICE] Thanks, Steph.

[CHUCKLES]

You can wear it to
the basketball game.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, great.

I'll definitely stand
out in the crowd.

You'd stand out in the circus.

There. See?

This basketball
thing's a piece of cake.

Daddy, this is our basket.

That one's yours.

Way up there?

Nice outfit, Jess.

What are you trying out
for, the Harley Globetrotters?

Well, I got my wristband.

All right, now you look like a real
athlete. Why don't we work on passing?

- Passing.
- I'm gonna pass, you go under the basket.

- Where?
- Under that net.

- Let's do some passing, fellas.
- Okay.

All right. Send me the
ball, big boy. Come on.

[GRUNTS]

Jess, you're supposed
to use your hands.

- Oh, I will.
- All right, okay. Time out.

Time out. You're both at fault.
Jess, you should have caught it...

and Danny, you should
know that he can't catch.

All right, I'm sorry. Let's
start with a simple lay-up drill.

- Okay.
- Two questions.

A, what's a simple lay-up? And
two, does the drilling part hurt?

Jess, the lay-up is the
most basic shot in basketball.

It's very simple. You
dribble down the lane...

and if you're on the left,
push off with your right foot.

On the right,
push with your left.

Then you shoot the
ball at the backboard...

at the correct angle
to bank it through.

That, my friend,
is a simple lay-up.

What's a really simple lay-up?

Watch and learn.
Give me the ball.

- All right.
- Come here. You'll be safe.

Watch, Jess, okay? Here you go.
Simple lay-up. Dribble, dribble, dribble.

- Lay-up.
- Okay.

All right. Doesn't
look so tough.

Do a couple dribbles, then you
do a thing by the basket. Got it.

Dribble, dribble...

Ow!

[SIGHS]

I told you I needed that helmet.

- What's with that look?
- What look?

That "he bites" look.

You should spend more time looking at the
basket and less time looking at our looks.

I should spend time
looking for teachers.

The teachers are doing a
good job considering the student.

Oh. Yeah, right. You guys
couldn't teach Comet to bark.

I'll bet we could teach Comet how to
play basketball a lot better than you.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, right.

- Joey, give me the ball.
- Okay.

Thanks, man. I'd like you
to just study this, Jesse.

Thank you. Comet.
Over here, boy.

[BARKING]

Okay, stay. Stay.
Back up. Sit. Good boy.

Okay, Comet, this isn't as hard
as Jesse makes it look, okay?

All you have to do is
get ready, aim and shoot.

[BOTH CHEER]

Comet can make a basket.

Well, he got lucky.
He's a lucky dog.

He's better than you, Daddy.

Wait a minute.
Give me that ball.

I just wanna show you I
can make one lousy basket.

JOEY: All right. Go.
- Okay.

- Split. You're making me nervous.
- All right.

I'm gonna learn how to shoot, okay? If
I have to stay until midnight I'm gonna.

- Good.
- Come on, boys. Let's go.

- Come on. DANNY: Come on.

Whew. I can't be
worse than a dog.

[BARKS]

At least I don't have fleas.

- Mind if we use the court?
- No, no, not at all.

- You ever play any basketball before?
- A little.

Yeah. Well, let me tell you something,
pally. It's not as easy as it looks.

But you're a tall guy, it should
come pretty natural to you.

- Go nuts.
- Thanks.

[DRIBBLING]

Son, what shot do you
wanna see me shoot first?

- Three-pointers.
- Ugh.

- Um... How about sky hook?
- Yes, Daddy.

Okay.

Here, you take that.

[BOY CHEERING]

Whoa. There you go.

- You're a lucky guy, you know?
- I've had a little practice.

Why don't you go play now?
Daddy's gonna shoot a hoop.

Okay.

No, I mean, you're lucky because
your kid looks up to you, you know?

He looks at you like a hero.

Yeah, well, I raised
his allowance last week.

Well, I made a total fool out of
myself in front of my kids today.

Let me tell you something,
I'm the worst player...

and to top it off, I gotta
play this silly tournament.

Come on, you can't be that
bad. Why don't you take a shot?

All right.

[CLANGS]

- Okay, you can be that bad.
- Yeah.

How am I gonna face my kids?

Well, maybe I can
give you a few pointers.

- All right.
- Let's start with the basics.

This is a ball.

Mm-hm.

That is the basket.

Yeah, well, the problem
is getting this into that.

You trying to hustle me?

No, no, I swear. I
never did that before.

Yeah, right. Shoot a lay-up.

Without a helmet?

All right. The bounce, bounce...

Sorry about that hustle crack.

At least I didn't
smack myself this time.

You should have seen it
earlier. It went boom! And it was...

- Let's try a foul shot.
- Okay, yeah. Let's try a foul shot.

And that would be?

At the foul line.

Which would be?

Right there.

And I stand?

Behind it.

- And I face?
- The basket.

I was kidding on that last one.

A little basketball humor. Hike
that thing over here. All right.

Why don't you try another
shot at that spot right there?

- That little spot over there?
- Yeah.

[CLAPS ONCE]

Well, you're pretty pathetic,
except when you stand right there.

That's your sweet spot.

- I got a sweet spot?
- Apparently.

When you play that game
tomorrow, just get to your sweet spot.

That's the only chance
you have of scoring.

Right. Oh, yeah? Cool.

Got a sweet spot.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Yeah, I got a sweet spot.

Wait until I tell my wife.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Give it to me.
- Okay, let's warm it up.

All right. Okay, shoot around. All
right. Okay, let's pass it. Come on.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Excuse me. Excuse me?

You're Rebecca Donaldson
from Wake Up, San Francisco.

Mind if I got a picture
for The Chronicle?

Uh... Heh.

Sure. Let me just
put on my jacket.

[CHUCKLES]

Jacket? But that'll
cover the blouse.

- You hate the blouse, don't you?
- No.

No. I just love my jacket.

That's okay, Aunt Becky.
You can hate my blouse.

See? Now you don't
have to lie anymore.

Michelle, you've been so
helpful through all of this.

Well, at least she was honest.

Steph, I'm sorry I
lied about the blouse.

Yeah, you should have
told the truth like I did.

It's nasty.

What I should have done is
just focused on the good points.

You know, the seams are
straight, the fabric is beautiful...

there are exactly as many
holes as there are buttons.

Nobody lost an eye.

You're pushing it.

The point is, the blouse
is not exactly my style...

but you did an
excellent job on it.

- You really think so?
- Honest.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Can I have your
attention, please?

- Jess, take a seat.
- Oh, right. Sorry.

Oh, hey. How you doing?
Came by to cheer me on, huh?

- Something like that.
- Yeah.

Thanks for coming out
for such a worthy cause.

Right now I'd like to introduce
our celebrity referee for the game.

He's the all-time leading
scorer in the NBA,

was voted Most
Valuable Player six times...

and is considered one of the greatest
players in the history of basketball.

Huh. See? You love basketball.

Guess you're pretty excited
about seeing this guy, huh?

- I've seen him before.
- Yeah?

Ladies and gentlemen, the only
and only Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Wait a minute.
You're him? He's you?

- You gotta be somebody.
- Yeah. Hi, Kareem.

Hi.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, guys. Now go out
there and play your hearts out.

And remember, win or lose,
after the game, we hit the hot tub.

Okay. The only way we're gonna
win is if we spread the ball around.

Dad, I want you to take half the shots
and I want Joey to take half the shots.

Where's my half?

Uh... Uncle Jesse, you're
our defensive specialist.

You'll be guarding
their highest scorer.

Good. See? I'll be
guarding the highest scorer.

- Who's that?
- My guess is whoever you're guarding.

Guys, you don't understand.
I have a sweet spot.

Hey, I have a stiff neck from
sleeping on a Tonka truck.

We got a game to play.

Okay, guys, remember. First
one to 12 baskets is the winner.

- Right.
- Hands in.

ALL: And break!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Time. Time out.

Okay, guys. You guys,
you're playing great, okay?

- Thank you.
- The score is 11-11.

Next basket wins it. We
need to set up a special play.

This is what I want you to do. Dad, I
want you to go to the top of the key.

- Joey, I want you to set a pick for Dad.
- What do I do?

And Uncle Jesse, you just
stay away from everybody.

Come on, guys. Someone
just give me the ball.

Last time you had the ball,
you picked it up and ran with it.

Because every time I bounce
it, some guy takes it away.

You're making us wanna
throw it to you more.

Give me the ball. I know I can make
the shot. I have a sweet spot, you know?

Just throw me the ball and I'll
make the winning basket. Please?

I mean, I just wanna show my
kids that I'm not a complete loser.

Come on, the guy's kids are
watching. Give him a break.

- He might surprise someone.
- Yeah. Thank you, Kareem.

If we give Uncle Jesse the
ball, it might surprise everybody.

Okay, this is for
all the marbles.

- We set up Uncle Jesse.
- Yes, yes. I won't let you guys down.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

ALL: And break.

All right, okay. Uncle
Jesse, good luck.

- I know you can do it.
- Oh, you do, huh?

Well, I'm the coach. It's
my job to say that. Tsk.

Okay, guys. Let's
go. You got Danny.

You got Joey.

And you got me
on a bearskin rug.

Didn't I tell you to stop that?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[EXCITED CHATTER]

WOMAN: Come on. MAN:
Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Excuse me, excuse me.
You're on my sweet spot.

- They're gonna throw me the ball.
- Oh.

- Jess, get open.
- I can't. He's on...

Kareem, he's on my sweet spot.

I can't find pants. Get over it.

DANNY: Jess.

You're open. Shoot it.

- The guy's on my sweet
spot. JOEY: Just shoot.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

I can't believe you did that.

D.J.: Oh, my God.

[CHUCKLES] That was great.

- Wow. That was an amazing shot.
- Thanks.

Let me tell you, you taught me.

And I'll tell you, from this
day on, every person I meet...

I'm gonna say, "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
taught me to play basketball."

Why don't we keep
that as our little secret?

- Nice meeting you.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Goodbye, Kareem.

I should have had more faith.
Who would have thought...

in a million, billion, trillion
years you would ever...?

- You're congratulating me?
- She's trying to say...

to hit that shot under that
pressure... I mean, you, of all people...

Jess, if I may, I think what
they're both trying to say is...

you really came through
for us. You are our hero.

Oh, well, thanks.
I'm glad you think so.

I just hope the boys feel the
same way. Excuse me a second.

Hey, boys. Did you see your
old man make the winning basket?

- Pretty cool, huh?
- Uh...

Jess, they missed it.

What?

We were on a potty run.

I went number one.

Ah. You did? That's
very good, son.

I watched.

I can't believe you guys
missed my winning shot.

The reason I was out there
was to make you guys proud.

- Honey, they're already proud of you.
- For what?

What did I do? They
didn't see anything.

The only thing they
saw was Tinkle Town.

We saw you fall down a lot.

- You fell down the more than anybody.
- Yeah. Real cool. Big accomplishment.

Honey, don't you see? It
doesn't matter what you do.

You're their dad.
You're their hero.

You could be the worst
basketball player ever.

Which you probably are.

And they would
still be proud of you.

- We love you, Daddy.
- Aw.

Thank you, son.
Give me a kissy. Oh.

Now I feel like a real hero.

Listen, guys. Before I hang
up my basketball cleats...

- there's something I wanna show you.
- Number one?

No, son. Not number one.

I wanna show you how I make
a basket from my sweet spot.

See? Watch your old man here.

Honey? That's
okay. We believe you.

Well, let me just... Let
me just make one ball.

See? That... Well, let me...

Hold on, hold on.

My sweet spot is
around here somewhere.

All right. I think I got... I got
it now. Watch your old man.

Whoa. See? I was... It
was the wind thing. Again.

You know what? Let me try one of
those sky hawk shots that Kareem does.

Almost, almost.

Who would have
thought, Kareem Abdul?

You know, I always thought
it was that little dancer.

Go figure.

[ENGLISH SDH]