Full House (1987–1995): Season 8, Episode 13 - The Producer - full transcript

Danny feels humiliated and quits when Rebecca is promoted to producer of the show. (Original Broadcast: Season 8, Episode 13)

- Hey, morning.
- Good morning.

- You want some cereal?
- Yes.

All right, we got your
puffs, we got your pops...

we've got some sort of smacks,
we've got everything here.

There's only one thing
I want for breakfast.

Vanilla Weasels.

The most delectable
cookie ever created.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

[COVER CLATTERING]

[GASPS, MUTTERING]

My Weasels. Who ate my Weasels?



[IN UNISON] She did.

- I did?
- I did?

[IN UNISON] You did.

- Yeah, well,
somebody did. D.J.: Ugh.

Come on, Steph. You
were eating three at a time.

How would you know?
You had your head in the tin.

Are you saying I
have no self-control?

I bet you couldn't go
one day without sweets.

Ugh. I could go a lot
longer than you could.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

First one to eat, lick or
even nibble a sweet...

has to do the other one's
chores for an entire week.

It's a bet, Sara Lee.

You're on, Mrs. Fields.



Well, this is all fine and good,
but I still happen to be Weasel-less.

Don't worry.

I'm taking the boys shopping,
I'll put your Weasels on my list.

You can relax, sugar gut.

Thanks, black-licorice hair.

Jess, I hope this time
you will stick to that list.

Last time you went shopping...

I sent you for eggs, you
came back with Slinkys.

We like shopping with Daddy.

He buys us everything.

Well, the boys are
exaggerating a little bit.

Can we have a pony?

Only if it's on sale, son.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Michelle, don't
you look beautiful.

Thanks, Aunt Becky.
I'm going with Dad...

because it's Bring Your
Daughter to Work Day.

I grew up on a farm.

Every day was Bring
Your Daughter to Work Day.

Michelle, you should be excited.

Today, you're gonna see what your
dad does at Wake Up, San Francisco.

Don't you just talk
and drink coffee?

Sweetheart, that's only
in front of the camera.

Behind the camera,
there's doughnuts.

You're gonna see stuff
that's gonna make you proud...

to be the daughter
of a talk-show host.

I'm already proud, but I'll
come for the doughnuts.

Well, that about
wraps up another show.

Join us tomorrow
for dog makeovers.

Where we're gonna make a
12-year-old schnauzer look 8.

[LAUGHS]

[COUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

[EXHALES]

- Well, I'm Danny Tanner...
- And I'm Rebecca Donaldson...

Saying have a great day.

[IN UNISON] Have a great day.

[IN UNISON] I
was gonna say that.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[BECKY CHUCKLES]

- That was an okay show.
- And clear.

Daddy, you were so funny, you
made Bernie choke on his bear claw.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you know, sweetie...

I do a lot more around here
than just make Bernie choke.

See that? I suggested
we switch to decaf.

I also suggested
the weekly fire drills.

I even suggested
the suggestion box...

which was tough because there
was no place to put that suggestion.

You think of everything.

Not really. Actually, it was
another guy who invented television.

Well, what'd you learn
about your dad's job?

He shouldn't talk
while Bernie's eating.

[DANNY CHUCKLES]

Becky, I have a great
idea for next week's show.

Why don't we do a Welcome
Back, Kotter reunion?

Oh, you mean that
TV show from the '70s?

- Yeah.
- Well, that's a cute idea.

I don't know. I don't think
Mr. Strowbridge would like it.

- Tanner. Donaldson.
- Mr. Strowbridge.

I've been thinking of making some
personnel changes around here.

Donaldson, I need to
speak with you for a moment.

Sir, I hope you're not thinking
of getting rid of Rebecca.

Yeah, I hope not too.

Sir, she's beautiful, she's
witty, she's charming.

- There's absolutely no one better.
- Exactly.

And that's why I'm making her the new
producer on Wake Up, San Francisco.

- Her?
- Mm-hm.

Mr. Strowbridge, I don't know
what to say. This is such a surprise.

Thank you.

Her?

Now, don't worry, Tanner.
She'll still be your cohost.

Donaldson, let me show
you to your new office.

It has a lovely
view of Alcatraz.

Daddy? What does a producer do?

Well, sweetie, she gets to
make all the important decisions.

You know, who to
hire and who to fire.

You know the suggestion box?

She gets the key.

And I thought
you had a cool job.

Well, well, well. How
was school today?

Any sweet temptations?

You might say that.

Seems someone slipped
some Milk Duds in my gym sock.

Really? Who could have done such
an underhanded-yet-brilliant thing?

Gee, I wonder.

Go ahead. Count them.

This one appears
to have been licked.

No way. I did
not lick that thing.

I can see it right
there. I can see teeth.

This is absolutely the last time I
take Nicky and Alex shopping with me.

- What happened?
- Everything was going along fine.

No problem. Then we hit
the cookie aisle. Problem.

The kids start grabbing
every cookie in sight.

I tell them no, they
start screaming...

and all of a sudden everyone's
looking at me like I'm Freddy Krueger.

So did you give in?

I said no cookies and
I meant no cookies.

Hey, hey, hey.

I thought I told you guys to
finish those cookies in the yard.

Next time you pull a stunt like
this, you're gonna share a box.

Yeah, right.

Run along. Run...

[TWINS GIGGLING]

It's... Heh. The twins.

Hey, did you get
my Vanilla Weasels?

Oh, no. Sorry, Joey. Bad news,
they don't make them anymore.

- What?
- Yeah. But look at this.

Hey, look at this. I got
you... Wait till you see this.

Chocolate Badgers instead, huh?

Instead? Jess,
there is no instead.

Vanilla Weasels are
more than just a cookie.

They're a lifetime
of memories for me.

Well...

- You know, when I was a kid...
- Yeah?

- My mom would tuck me in bed...
- Mm-hm.

Give me a Weasel...

and sing me the
score to South Pacific.

Boy, those were some
enchanted evenings, Jess.

Yeah.

[EXHALES]

Well, suddenly it's starting
to all make sense, Joe.

Hey, everybody. Guess what?

We know. There's no Weasels.

No. Aunt Becky's the new
producer of Wake Up, San Francisco.

D.J.: Wow, congratulations.
ALL: Congratulations.

I couldn't believe it when
Mr. Strowbridge told me.

Danny deserves the job. I
don't know why he picked me.

Oh, don't be so
modest, Miss Producer.

I think it's great. I
couldn't be happier for you.

I'm gonna take everyone
out for dinner tomorrow night.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

Hey, it's a Tanner
family convention.

Aunt Becky's just been made new
producer of Wake Up, San Francisco.

Wow, what a burn.

[SIGHS]

Mr. T working for Mrs. Hair-Boy.

[SIGHS]

You've been doing that show longer
than she has and they just passed you by.

Bam! Big, tall string bean
left standing out in the dust.

Boy, this must be gnawing at you
like a starving rat in a Cheeto factory.

Kimmy, you couldn't be more off.
I am very happy for Rebecca. Heh.

I feel proud. I feel great.

JESSE: Well, where you
guys wanna eat tomorrow?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Feel like a big, tall string
bean left standing in the dust.

- Hey.
- Hey, Danny. How's it going?

I couldn't be bitter. Better.

Good. Well, why don't we go
over our schedule for next week?

- Okay.
- Okay. We have a problem on Thursday.

Alfie the Talking
Seal cancelled.

Laryngitis?

Letterman.

Oh. Since Alfie's out, why don't we go back
to my Welcome Back, Kotter reunion idea?

Oh, I don't know, Danny.

Come on. It was your classic
all-American high school sitcom.

Remember Horshack?
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Remember Washington?

[IMITATING WASHINGTON]
Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter.

Danny, I don't think Strowbridge
is gonna go for the idea.

But Becky, you're the producer
now. You get to make all the decisions.

You're right. The truth
is I don't like the idea.

This morning you
said it was cute.

Well, this morning, I wasn't the
producer. It didn't matter what I said.

So you were just patronizing me?

No, no, no. Of course not.

Like you're doing right now?

Danny, don't take it personally,
okay? This is my first shot as producer.

I'm just trying to raise
the level of the show.

[SCOFFS]

Well, excuse me if I've
been dragging it down.

Danny, why are
you acting like this?

Because you've been
shooting down all of my ideas.

I shot down one dumb idea.

And you know what? That
was my last dumb idea.

Since you've become producer,
things have gotten totally out of control.

I've been producer
for four hours.

Yeah, and I've been
quiet long enough.

You haven't been
quiet since I met you.

Yeah? Well, maybe things would
get nice and quiet if I weren't around.

- What do you mean, if you weren't around?
- You know, not around.

Not there. Absent. Lack of presence.
No Danny Tanner to kick around anymore.

- You'd quit over Horshack?
- Oh, it's not just Horshack.

No, I'm talking Barbarino,
Epstein, all the Sweathogs.

Danny, I can't believe that you
would put me in this position.

Now, I've got a show to run.

And if you quit...

I will just have to replace you.

Well, then, I do quit.

So you just replace away.

I'll tell you something, you're
in deep water, Ms. Producer...

because you'll never find
another Danny Tanner.

I am Mr. Wake-Up-San-Francisco.

Wake up, San Francisco.
I'm Phil Blankman.

[LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY]

[CHUCKLES]

And I'm Rebecca Donaldson.
Welcome to the show, Phil.

I was gonna say that.

Phil, that only works if we
say that at the same time.

Right. Heh.

Well, great to be
here, Beckarino.

[LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY]

Well, it's great to have
you here, Philarino. Heh.

And our special guest today...

- is Janet Reno...
- Ha! Ha-ha-ha.

The attorney general
of the United States.

She'll be discussing her
career, the new crime bill...

And she's cooking chowder.

[LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY]

[FORCED CHUCKLE]

[BECKY SIGHS]

So, what do you think of him?

Well, he's...

- He's perky.
- Perky.

- I'd say perky.
- Yeah, he's perky.

Remember, I only had
one day to find someone.

It was either Laughing
Phil the Weatherman...

or Vampire Vic from the
midnight monster movie.

Phil's a good choice.

- Yeah, and he's easier to kill.
- Ha-ha.

I'll just fast-forward
to this other part.

[TAPE FAST-FORWARDING]

- Celery?
- Thanks.

[CRUNCHING]

What are you
pretending yours is?

- Snickers.
- Dove bar.

- Wanna trade?
- Oh, yeah.

Don't you think you and
Danny could work things out?

Well, I'd love to, but
he's the one who quit.

I think he's just having trouble
accepting me as an authority figure.

But you two belong together,
you know? Like Laurel and Hardy.

Like ham and eggs.
Like Weasels and milk.

Weasels and milk. My Weasels,
I can't believe they're gone.

I've lost the will to snack.

Hold up, put it on pause.
Hold on. Look at this.

JESSE: See that?

"Produced by Rebecca Donaldson."

[CHUCKLES]

I have to admit, does
have a nice ring to it.

Hey, guys.

- Hi. GIRLS: Hi.

What were you watching?

ALL: Uh...

You know, we were
watching that nutty show...

The Frugal Gourmet.

Yeah, this guy's so cheap.

You should have seen it. He was trying
to trick a frog into a bag of Shake'n Bake.

Isn't this a coincidence?
Dad's here. Aunt Becky's here.

This would be a good
time to try to work things out.

There's nothing to work out.

I couldn't be happier
with my time off.

I'm getting to do all the
things I've always wanted to do.

See? I even made
this ship in a bottle.

Actually, it's more like
a shipwreck in a bottle.

Hey, everybody. I
finished my report.

"What My Daddy Does."

Except now it's called
"What My Daddy Did."

- Do you wanna hear it?
- I'm sorry, but not right now, honey.

That was the past and
I'm looking to the future.

- What do you see?
- A new hobby.

Come on, please.
Eat your food, son.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, you guys, I just
wanna say thanks.

It's been really great
celebrating with the people I love.

[BLOWING]

Would anyone care
for dessert? Gentlemen?

I want dessert.

Double "bessert."

No, no, no.

No, boys, no "bessert," no
"bessert," but thank you, garçon.

You finish your dinner,
then you have "bessert."

BOTH [CHANTING]:
We want dessert.

We want dessert.

Nicky, Alex, behave yourselves.

We want dessert.

We want dessert.

[MAKING NOISES]

Everybody's staring at us.

Just give them some dessert.

What lesson would
they learn from that?

If you embarrass your
family, you get dessert.

No, no, no. We're not gonna
do that. You know what?

I'm going to take care of this
and I don't care what people think.

All right, okay. All right.

BOTH: Ahhhh.

What? I'm just doing
a little parenting.

Eat your peas.

Good, good, good. Here
you go. Sit down there.

You guys wanna kick and scream and
have a big tantrum? Go ahead, go nuts.

Right here?

Well, yeah. You can't do it in
there, that's the dining room.

In here, well, this is the
screaming room. Go ahead, scream.

We wanna go back in there.

Okay, fine. But
you have a choice.

Now, you could stay out here
and have your little tantrum...

or you can go inside, act like
gentlemen, eat your meal...

have your dessert, and
everything will be cool, okay?

Go ahead, guys. I got time.
Talk amongst yourselves.

Would anyone who's not
shrieking care for dessert?

There's only one dessert
for me and it's extinct.

Yeah, I'll pass too. I
got a big day tomorrow.

Gotta get that Chia Pet started.

I'll have the triple-layer brownie
with the butter-cream frosting.

All right.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, if no one
else is interested...

- No, wait.
- Wait.

Steph, if we both give in and eat one
of those desserts at the same time...

neither one of us would lose.

What do you think?

I think the one in the
center looks delicious.

Oh. That's the cookie-crumble
cheesecake and this is the very last piece.

- Better jump on it.
- We will.

Uh... Not literally.
We'll take it.

- Bet's off?
- Bet's off.

BOTH: Ohhh.

All right. Right this
way, gentlemen.

Very good. Come on, son.

Sit down. Here. Very good.

JESSE: There you go.
- Well, look who's back.

We are sorry.

We'll be good.

- Jess? Where are our children?
- Hmm.

Let's just say we came
to an understanding.

When they go to a restaurant,
they act like gentlemen.

When they go shopping,
they'll be with their mother.

Thanks.

It was incredible.

What kind of cookies were in
the cookie-crumble cheesecake?

Actually, that cheesecake was made
with our very last tin of Vanilla Weasels.

- Vanilla Weasels?
- Yes, Vanilla Weasels.

The most delectable
cookie ever created.

Weasel crumbs. They're mine.

Mm. Mm. More.

Love you. More. Mm.

- Mm.
- Joey, get over it. Get on with your life.

Oh-ho-ho. I can't
get on with my life.

Not without... Oh, flan.

Well, if there's
nothing else that you...

Wait a minute. I thought I recognized
you. You're on Wake Up, San Francisco.

And you're not.

Say, what's with this new guy,
and where did he get that laugh?

Yeah, I know. It's like a hyena.

Yeah, hyena, that's it.

[LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY]

All right, so maybe
he has a bad laugh.

Least he has a good attitude.

Why, because he howls
at everything you say?

He howls because, now that
you're gone, the show is funny.

Funny?

Becky, I'll have you know that I
watched the show this morning.

I didn't wanna watch it, but
I couldn't turn it off, either.

It's kind of like when
you have a cavity.

You wanna keep sucking air through
the hole in it to see if it still hurts.

Are you comparing my
show to a rotting tooth?

If the tooth hurts, suck it.

You know, it's a good thing you
quit, because I'd fire you in a minute.

Fine with me. You and the
hyena deserve each other.

- The hyena has a good attitude.
- He has no attitude.

[DANNY AND BECKY ARGUING]

They're staring again.

All right, all right.
Hold it, hold it.

One more outburst, I'm gonna
pick you up by your suspenders...

and take you out to
the screaming room.

- She started it.
- He started it.

I don't care who started it.

Now, come on, you guys. You
love each other. You're family.

You love working together. This
thing's blown out of proportion...

because you got jealous
over her promotion.

I'm not jealous. You
guys think I'm jealous?

ALL: Yes.

Well, I'm not.

It just bugged me that she
got promoted and I didn't.

That's jealous, isn't it?

Come on, Danny,
everybody gets jealous.

You just got jealous because
Becky got a promotion.

Heck, I get jealous because
people have girlfriends.

Their own apartments.

Lives.

Another flan, please.

All right. Look, I gotta admit it stung
when Becky got promoted over me.

But I gotta accept it. And I will, because
I know she's gonna do a really good job.

Thanks, Danny. That's
nice of you to say.

I wasn't mad at you.

I think I just went a little nuts because
I got passed over in front of Michelle.

I wanted her to be proud of me.

Daddy, can I read
you my report now?

Honey, I'd love that. I'm
sorry I didn't listen to it earlier.

"My daddy was the best
talk-show host in the whole world.

Everyone loved him.

He was funny and nice...

and he made people
choke on their bear claws.

I wish my daddy were still a talk-show
host, and so does everyone else."

Thanks, honey. That helps a lot.

Danny, she's right.

I'd love for you to come back.

I mean, the show's not
the same without you.

You're a great friend
and a great cohost...

and if I had been a better producer,
I would have never let you get away.

Thanks.

BOTH: You're the best.

BOTH: I was gonna say that. Ooh.

[ENGLISH SDH]