Full House (1987–1995): Season 7, Episode 8 - Another Opening, Another No Show - full transcript

The Smash Club is about to open, but everything that can go wrong does; Joey books the wrong band, Kimmy gives her waitress uniform a "creative" touch, and no one can find the owner- Jesse.

JESSY: Boys.

Boys.

Boys, I'm opening up
the Smash Club tonight.

I'm trying to do some
last minute accounting.

I need some time alone.

Here, come over here.
Here. Here you go.

Here's your dough. Play with it.

Hence the name
Play-Doh. There you go.

- Still working, Uncle Jesse?
- Yes.

- You need a cookie break.
- Michelle, I'm too old for a cookie break.

Besides, I polished off the last
bit of Oreos around midnight.



Why didn't you wake me?

I'm sorry, kid. It's
just I'm so busy.

I never realized how expensive
it is to own your own club.

Check out this grand
total. Look at this.

You see that? Look at that.

One dollar and
ninety-eight cents.

Wow, I can open a club
with my tooth fairy money.

Wait a minute. Something
has gone awry here.

What about it, gentlemen? Hmm?

How did this Play-Doh
get inside my calculator?

Don't know.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I
have been tasting coffee all day...

and I think I've come
up with the perfect brew...

for the Smash
Club opening, okay?



Oh, here's the bill
for the coffee beans.

I think all this coffee tasting
has gotten you a little wired.

Listen, I've got everything
riding on the club tonight.

So I need you to be
calm, cool and collected.

- Everything's gotta click like clockwork.
- Like clockwork. Clickety-clack.

Calm, cool, collected.
Clickety-clack down the track.

[SINGING] Pardon me, boy

Is that the Chattanooga
Choo-Choo?

Track 29, can you give me a shine,
hey! Come on and meet at the...

Calm, calm, please.

- Okay.
- Calm.

- Okay? Feeling better now?
- Okay. Yeah.

- Good. Your head is starting
to go. Let me... DANNY: Sorry.

What did I tell you guys
about dancing without me?

You guys, I got great news.

You will not believe the
band I booked for tonight.

We booked the Brass
Weasels three weeks ago.

Forget about the Brass Weasels.

I got R.E.M., they're under
the same management.

- You got R.E.M.?
- Yeah.

- R.E.M.'s gonna play at the Smash Club?
- Yeah, they played there years ago...

thought it'd be a kick to
come back and play again.

Joey, my man. R.E.M. Thank you.

[SNIFFING]

Gee, your hair smells like
melon. What are you using?

Well, it's this new stuff. It's called
"Gee Your Hair Smells Like Melon."

Keep them closed. No peeking,
okay? Keep them closed. Close them.

Here we go and ta-da!

DANNY: Whoa.

Uncle Jesse, I
love it. It is so cool.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Here, check this out.
You wanna see cool?

Check this out for cool.

[CLICKING]

- Huh? DANNY: Whoa.

It's kind of 90's look
back in the 70's thing.

You know, kind of...

The problem is it's so
hard to fix your hair in.

You gotta keep moving.

Here we go.

[FEEDBACK SCREECHING]

Girls, girls, please. It's
very expensive equipment.

Do not touch the microphone.

We're not.

This isn't working.

Dan, Danny, what are you doing?

I'm playing the slot machine.
This coffee machine is not working.

It's not a coffee machine. It's from
Italy. Its name is Senore Cappuccino.

It was working fine yesterday.
Read the instructions.

No problem. It doesn't
even matter, I brought coffee.

If anybody's thirsty, I've got some
right here. Anyone want coffee?

Hey, check it out. The
new waitresses are here.

I hope these pockets are
big enough to hold all our tips.

Kimmy, what the heck
did you do to your uniform?

I'm just trying to wear something
to express my personality.

Yeah? Well, it makes me
wanna express my lunch.

Take that clown outfit
off and you get to work.

Ouch. It's hard to feel
good about life after that.

Stephanie, Stephanie.

Stephanie, what did I tell you
about the sound equipment?

Michelle, this is not a toy.

Don't blame me. I'm just
playing with the drums.

Jesse, honey, honey. Come here.

You know, sometimes, when
I'm under a lot of pressure...

I sit in my car with the windows
rolled up and I let out one good scream.

Well, that's good to know.
From now on, I'll do the driving.

Joey, Joseph, Joseph. The
man that brought me R.E.M.

I think you're the only guy
I can count on around here.

Well, hold that thought. Uh...

- There's been a little mix-up.
- What kind of mix-up?

Hi, girls. Oh, listen, the
bingo hall is down the street.

Jess, actually, I'd like you to
meet Renee, Esther and Martha.

Get it? R.E.M.

What's up, darling?

Hi, girls. So nice to meet you.

Excuse me one second while
I speak to my friend Joseph.

Joseph?

Jess, I'm really sorry.

I mean, what are the chances of
two groups having the same name?

What are the chances of
my whole night being ruined?

- I'd say pretty good.
- Get...

Ladies, can I show you
to your dressing room?

Dan, Dan, Dan. What are you
doing to my Senore Cappuccino?

I said read the instructions.

They're in Italian.

- Uncle Jesse...?
- No.

- No? I didn't ask you anything.
- The answer is just no.

Everybody, just
stay out of my hair.

I'm trying to open this club.
Everybody's getting in my way.

Things are getting messed
up. Let me do everything myself.

- Fine.
- Okay.

All right. Fine. The microphone,
the drums and the coff...

Look at this. See, this is
exactly what I'm talking about.

Empty napkin holder. I
ordered special napkins.

And are they in here? No.

Napkins, napkins, napkins...

Flypaper, flypaper.

Ah, here they are. Napkins.

The "Smush Club."

I specifically
ordered the Smash...

Maybe Becky's right. Maybe
I need to let out a good:

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

- What are you doing?
- Don't kill me. I'll get back to work.

What we have here is
shoddy craftsmanship.

Give me that.

Oh, no. We're stuck.

This can't be
happening, not tonight.

Well, look on the bright side.

At least you're not alone.

Help!

Help!

Don't you know anything
besides "Wipe Out"?

I'm sorry, Beck. Too
much coffee. I'm sorry.

Hey, guys.

We can't find Uncle
Jesse anywhere.

Yeah, we tracked him
as far as the kitchen.

Then we lost the
scent of his styling gel.

All right, well, don't
worry. He'll be here.

I mean, this is the man who
went skydiving on our wedding day.

He just handles
pressure his own way.

His own boneheaded way.

Hey, hey, there's a whole
lot of people lining up outside.

It must be a fire drill.

Michelle, those
are our customers.

We should've started
10 minutes ago.

I gotta figure out a way
to make cappuccino.

All right.

It's just you and me.

Man versus machine.

You keep in mind I once kicked the
crumbs out of an eight-slice toaster.

Hey. Okay!

Hey, I was kidding, all right? I
would never hurt an appliance.

All right, D.J., you and
Kimmy finish setting all the...

Where's Kimmy?

I don't know. I haven't
seen her in a while.

Maybe she's touching
up her makeup.

Any paint rollers missing?

JOEY: Hey. BECKY:
Oh, Joey, look.

We'll have to open with or
without Jesse. Is R.E.M. ready?

Oh, yeah. They're preparing
just like any other rock group.

They're making a quilt.

Hey, guys, come on.
What's the holdup?

I brought a bunch of
buddies from college.

Well, I guess we
better let them in.

I just hope no one wants
any coffee or entertainment.

Hey, everybody, come
on guys, come on in.

Let's all get down
front for R.E.M., okay?

[CHANTING] R.E.M.!
R.E.M.! R.E.M.!

R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!
R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!

[CLANGING]

We're running out of knives.

Isn't this a crazy
twist of fate?

You and I stuck here like this?

Oh, Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy.

Look, Kim, I know
over the years...

you've probably had a
little, uh, crush on me.

Get real. I meant we're stuck
here with all this chips and no dip.

I know that. I know that.

See? This is what
I'm saying. No dip.

Way everybody's
screwing up around here...

I'm probably out of
business already. Help!

- What's a Smush Club?
- That's what I'm talking about.

Even the printers screwed up.

I specifically wrote, clear as day
in the order form, "Smash Club."

- This your handwriting?
- Of course it's my handwriting.

Yep, you're right. Clear
as day. "Smush Club."

Give me that.

Who gets the blame for that
one, Mr. Perfect? The pen?

As a matter of fact, yes.

I was using one of
Joey's Yogi the Bear pens.

It was so cute, the
thing with Ranger Smith...

and you turn it upside down
and his pants fall down...

Okay, so I made
one small mistake.

Oh, so even the
boss makes mistakes.

I guess the napkin's
on the other foot now.

Eh, mousse man?

So I go to the doctor and I
say, "Hey, I have a headache."

And he says, "Well,
take off your clothes."

So I say, "Will that
stop my headache?"

And he says, "No, I just
hate what you're wearing."

[STEVE LAUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

How come your friends
aren't, uh, laughing?

Uh, well, I guess it's because they're
all exchange students from Greenland...

and none of them speak English.

Oh, that might have
something to do with it.

I guess, yeah,
but don't worry...

because they'll go crazy
when R.E.M. comes on.

[CHANTING] R.E.M.!
R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!

Your caffe latte is on the way.

Um, your espresso,
it's on the way.

Whatever it was you
ordered, it's on the way.

Miss, remember me, the
cappuccino and the sticky bun?

I'm sorry, sir. But it's
not quite ready yet.

Neither is this club.

And I intend to make it
quite clear in my review.

Review? Are you a critic?

Elliott Warner. Perhaps you're familiar
with my column "Eating Out with Elliott."

Yeah, I read it this morning.

You said some horrible things
about that place on Market Street.

Yes, well, mother
lost her touch.

- How is everything going here?
- I'd like to see the owner.

So would I.

This club is a disgrace.

Look sir, it's opening night.

- We're having a few problems.
- A few?

Listen, buster, the
owner is missing...

we're a waitress short, all
the instructions are in Italian...

and not one person has
said they like my dress.

So if you're not happy here,
you can just take your ponytail...

- Aunt Becky.
- What?

D.J.: That's Elliot
Warner, the critic.

Mr. Warner.

I hope you enjoyed that little
scene from Agnes, Hostess from Hell.

It's part of a little theater group we
have going here at the Smash Club.

So please, feel free to stick
around for our second show.

Look at these instructions. I
should have studied engineering.

Dad, we're dying out there.
Where's the cappuccino?

Somewhere inside
this devil machine.

Guys, we're in trouble.

I just heard somebody say this is
the worst service they've ever had.

Was it that guy over there?

No, it was this girl over here.

I'm sorry, but 15 minutes
for milk is ridiculous.

Oh, that's it. I give up.

What do you mean,
Joey? You can't quit.

Well, you're right.

Quitting's what you do
when you're getting paid.

I'm just stopping.

Becky, maybe we
should close up now...

and have the grand opening on a
night that the owner's actually here.

Well, wait a minute, you guys.

Jesse is always been there for
us. So we have to be there for him.

Come on, we're a team.

It's like my volleyball
coach used to say:

"Stop whining, Donaldson,
and get your can out there!"

Hey, wait a
minute. It's working.

Okay, see? This is a sign.

Uh, Steph, Michelle,
you help D.J. waitress.

Everyone else, you
know what to do.

Bump, set, spike!

Well, that's what my
coach used to say.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

How did you get it to work?

[IMITATING DON VITO
CORLEONE] Maybe...

Maybe he made it an offer...

that it couldn't refuse.

Michael?

Help.

Help.

I'm gonna slip this
rescue note under the door.

"Help. Trapped in here with..."

Is egotistical hair-crazed
maniac a hyphenated word?

Kimmy, give me a break.

I'm just trying to
be a good boss.

Well, a good boss doesn't go
around screaming and insulting people.

Who did I insult?

Oh, you mean that crack
about that clown outfit?

That didn't offend you, did it?

Why do you think I was sitting
here all alone in a dark storeroom?

Slack off and steal food?

No.

I mean, that occurred to
me once I got here but...

you really hurt my feelings.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, Kimmy.

I really worked
hard on this uniform.

I just want to look
nice for tonight.

I know. The big opening.

Well, that and I was
hoping to meet a rich guy...

get married and get out of
my biology test next week.

You're right, Kimmy.
I was... I was a jerk.

I mean, I open this club so
everyone would have a good time.

And I end up making everyone
miserable, including myself.

Well, hey, it's okay, big guy.

Just go ahead and
cry. Just let it all out.

I'm not crying. A drip hit me.

- I did not.
- Not you.

It was a drip from this
air conditioning vent.

Look out.

Hey.

This may be our way out.

Where are you going?

Wherever this takes me.

Oh.

Gibbler, I'm stuck.

I'd never thought I'd say this
but grab the tush and push.

You got it, boss.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Here you go, our
special cappuccino.

Piping hot.

With extra whipped cream.

And a nice fresh sticky bun.

With extra sticky.

Excellent. Subtle
yet sophisticated.

Is there a problem?

- Mister, you have...
- Enjoy your nose... Coffee.

Thank you.

JOEY: Whoa.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Well, now that you're all in a good
mood, an understanding mood...

heck, a non-violent
mood... [LAUGHING]

I think it's time to bring
out the band and, uh...

Let's bring them right out and I
swear their name is, uh, R.E.M.

- Here we go.
- R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!

[HUMMING]

[SINGING "MY BONNIE"]

[BOOING]

One and two and...

[SINGING "WHIP IT"]

I don't believe this. They
love them. This is amazing.

This is a home run. This is number
one with a bullet. I'm very excited.

I guess we're a success.

I wish I knew where Jesse was,
though. I'm really starting to get worried.

Aunt Becky, I don't think
you have to worry anymore.

Jess, what are
you doing up there?

Getting nauseous.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the
owner of the Smash Club, Jesse Katsopolis.

JESSY: Okay. Okay, that's it.

Nice to see you all. Hi, welcome
to the Smash Club, everybody.

Thank you. Hi, thanks
so much for coming.

BECKY: Oh, honey.
- My dear, thank you.

- Fabulous.
- Thank you so much.

- Fabulous.
- There's something on your nose, there.

Excuse me. Hi.

Oh, what a great night, huh?

Great is the operative word
there. Great with a capital G.

You know what, guys? I'm gonna
put on another pot of coffee, okay?

Anybody want a cup
before I wash the windows?

Danny, I think you've
had enough coffee.

You know, Becky, you're right.
Maybe I'll make some tea, hot chocolate.

Anybody want some of that?
Cola? Diet cola? I'll find something.

You guys, I don't know what to say.
This was the greatest night of my life.

I mean, everything was perfect,
once the room stopped spinning.

Listen, uh, I'm sorry
I was such a jerk.

I promise, no more
bossing people around.

No more insulting people
like I did with you, Kim.

Oh, you big sentimental lug.

Oh, what the heck.

No, Uncle Jesse.

We've lost him to the dark side.

Is anyone as tired as I am?

BECKY AND STEPH: Yes.

Well, Michelle is.

Wait, where is everybody
going? I got games! I got games!

I got Trivial Pursuit
and Scattergories. I got

Twister! I got Twister!
That's a great idea.

You guys go upstairs and get
into your pajamas and I'll set up.

That's perfect. Okay,
who's gonna go first?

Me!

Okay, here we go.

Spin the wheel! Uh-oh.

Right foot red. I got it.

Whoa, left foot green.

Okay. Guys, uh, right hand blue.

All right. I've put myself in a
real position there, didn't I?

[ENGLISH SDH]