Full House (1987–1995): Season 7, Episode 6 - Smash Club: the Next Generation - full transcript

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, Steph. What you doing?

I'm just looking at the
shapes in the clouds.

Why?

It's relaxing.

Oh.

Hey, doesn't that look like a
kangaroo in a baseball cap?

No.

Don't you see it?

It's right there next to
the horse eating a taco.

Horses don't eat tacos.



It's not a real horse.
It's just a cloud.

Clouds don't eat tacos either.

Fine. There's no horse.

There's no tacos.
There's no kangaroos.

Told you so.

You know, you really know how to
suck the fun out of cloud watching.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, there's the horse.

This is relaxing.

Wow.

Mm. Monday's gonna be a big
day on Wake Up, San Francisco.

Our first guest is gonna be the
famous sumo wrestler, Bozo Yashi.

It says here he's known
for his Flying Flab Fling.

Yep.



And guess whose flab
he's gonna be flinging?

First, I have no flab.

And, you know, even
if I did have flab...

I wouldn't want it flung around
by a 700-pound guy in a diaper.

I get the feeling we missed a
very interesting conversation.

Guys, you're not gonna
believe this. This is incredible.

You remember a cat
named Buzz Markle?

- Yeah. BECKY: Oh, yeah.

- The guy owned the
Smash Club. JESSE: Yeah.

Who could forget that huge
blowout they had for him last year?

The food, the
bands, the dancing.

Yeah, I felt guilty having
so much fun at a funeral.

That's the way he wanted it.

Anyway, they finally settled his
will and he left me the Smash Club.

BECKY: Really? DANNY: What?

Why me?

- Let me see that.
- Wow, well...

I don't know, you and the Rippers
played the Smash Club more than anyone.

Well, Buzz did love me like a son.
And I never made fun of his toupee.

Oh, come on. You always
made fun of his toupee.

Heck, you called him Rugsy.

Well, not to his face.

Wow, the Smash Club.

The first time I snuck in, I
was 13 years old, you know?

As soon as I heard that live
music, that live rock 'n' roll music...

it changed my life.

The Smash Club, I can't...
I own the Smash Club.

Well, Jess, you don't own it
yet. There's one condition here.

Club's been
closed for two years.

If you don't reopen, it reverts to
the estate and turns into a parking lot.

They're not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna let it happen.

I know that you have a
lot of wonderful memories...

but what do you know
about running a club?

Well, in a word, nothing.

Look, I owe it to Buzz to do the right
thing and that's what I'm gonna do.

I gotta sort this out. I
need a place to think.

- Where's a good place to think?
- Harvard.

Look who I'm asking.

- Hi, Michelle.
- Hi, Michelle.

Sorry, guys, I can't play right
now. I need to clean up my room.

Oh, that's okay.
You don't have to...

Unless you really want to.

Don't forget the
stuff over there.

NICKY: Okay.

This has definite possibilities.

- Yes, it's Friday.
- Free at last.

Let the weekend begin.

ALL: Wa-cha!

Big plans tonight?

- No, we're gonna...
KIMMY: No, no...

D.J.: Do something. STEVE:
We're just gonna watch TV.

Hey, I know, we
can go to the mall.

No. I've been there so much...

my hair is starting to
smell like Orange Julius.

- Hi, kids. ALL: Hey.

Hey, Uncle Jesse, congratulations. I
heard some guy left you the Smash Club.

JESSE: Yep.
- The Smash Club?

You mean that empty old
dive over on Green Street?

Hey, bite your tongue, Steven. That
empty old dive turned me on to music.

It's a piece of rock 'n' roll history.
Big bands came out of that dive.

Ever heard of
Jefferson Airplane?

The Mamas and Papas?

Sonny and Cher?

Oh, that woman
from the infomercial?

- I know her. She has the long
dark hair. STEVE: Yeah, yeah.

- Enough of that.
STEVE: I know her.

The point is that I gotta keep
the Smash Club alive somehow.

I wish it was alive tonight.
We'd have something to do.

Well, it wouldn't matter anyway.
You had to be 21 or over to get in.

It's like that in all the cool
places. It's not fair, guys.

There's so many cool new bands
out, we never get to hear them.

Really?

You know what?

What would you guys say...

if there was a place you
can go hear new music?

- What about the age limit?
- No age limit. No alcohol.

- That's cool. D.J.:
That'd be great.

KIMMY: Yeah.
- Big dance floor. Good food.

- I would love to go.
- You guys hang out at a place like that?

STEVE: Yeah, definitely.
- What are we waiting for? Let's go.

STEPH: All right.
- Hold it. It doesn't exist yet.

Why do men toy with me?

It doesn't exist
yet, but it's going to.

You know what it's gonna be
called? The New Smash Club.

You guys gave me
some great ideas. Thanks.

I got a million things to do.

Why, would you look at
the wig on old Buzz, huh?

He's got more carpet
on his head than the floor.

Come on, I gotta clean up
to get a loan from the bank.

I gotta make this place look
presentable. Grab this, okay?

JOEY: Okay.
- Yeah.

[IMITATING POPEYE] Oh, looks like
we got a little structural problem here.

This place is a mess.
Try to find a dust pan.

The lady is gonna
be here any minute.

JOEY [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Okay, let's see what we got.

Corkscrew.

A bucket.

A rat. A rat! Aahh!

Jess, get it! It was big and
grey and dirty and awful!

Just get it! Get it! Get it!

- Is this it?
- Yes.

Yes, just get it
away from me, okay?

Oh.

It's a bar rag.

- Maybe you wanna get that smudge there.
- Stop it.

Get your fat head out.
She'll be here any minute.

- Come on. Get out.
- Ow, ow, ow!

I'm saying "ow."

I can't move. I'm stuck.

[KNOCKING]

COOKE: Mr. Katsopolis. Yoo-hoo.

She's here.

Hi, hi. Come right
in, come right in.

Welcome. Nice to see you.

I'm Eleanor Cooke
from Embarcadero Bank.

Hi, I'm Jesse Katsopolis.

[JOEY SNEEZES]

- What was that?
- Um, well, could be anything.

[JOEY SNEEZES]

An old bar rag, a rat.

[SCREAMS]

Hi.

Freak under a bucket.

Can somebody hold my nose?

- I gotta pop my ears.
- Stop it!

How terribly rude of me.
This is Joseph Gladstone.

- Hi.
- Our, uh, head waiter.

[JOEY CHUCKLING]

Anyway, we used to be
in advertising together.

So we've cooked up
this little presentation...

to illustrate the need for a
club like this in San Francisco.

So picture, if you will...

Jesse and Joey Teenager
walking down the street...

but in this case, one of us
has a bar in his shoulders.

Me.

Okay. Here we are.

Walking down the street.

[BOTH WHISTLING]

[IN WHINY VOICE] Uh, Jess,
what do you want do tonight?

- Mall?
- Did it.

- Movie?
- Seen it.

- Burger?
- Ate it.

- Bowling?
- Hold it!

No, bowling was "rolled it." But
you get it, it's a rhyming thing...

I meant "hold it" as in
"please go no further."

I have some specific
questions we need to discuss.

That's no problem. We can
handle that. Right, little buddy?

[IN ENGLISH
ACCENT] It's all right.

Actually, we need to talk
about what kind of loan you want.

All right, we got the
loan. Joseph, high-five.

Actually, I meant we haven't
discussed the amount...

the terms, whether you
want adjustable or fixed.

Well, you lend it,
we'll spend it. Right?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I also need to know if
the club is up to code.

- Uh, what code?
- Codes.

Health codes, fire
codes, building codes...

How are your footings
and bearing walls?

Well, fine, thanks, and yours?

I mean, has the
foundation been inspected?

Uh, well, it hasn't... It
hasn't been inspected per se.

But, you know, I've checked the
foundation and it's really holding up...

Well, you see it's still standing
there. This place is like a rock.

Mr. Katsopolis, it's
obvious you're unprepared.

I'm afraid I have no choice
but to deny your loan request.

You can't. They're gonna
turn this place into a parking lot.

I'm very sorry. Goodbye,
Mr. Katsopolis. Mr. Gladstone...

JESSE: Miss Cooke, give us
a second chance, won't you?

Did I mention your
hair looks nice today?

Because it does.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Jess, hello?

[STAMMERING]

How you doing?

The station just sent over my
outfit for the sumo wrestler segment.

Great. Let's see it.

There's gotta be
more to it than this.

I'm gonna need a tanning
booth and a full body wax.

Fashion tip, don't
wear black socks.

- So how's Jess doing?
- Not good. He's really depressed.

What does "depressed" mean?

Depressed means,
you know, sad, unhappy.

How you felt when you found out
that Gumby wasn't microwave-safe.

Gotcha.

So let's all try to be
extra-nice to him, okay?

I'll give him my
last sweet roll.

[JESSE HUMMING]

Good morning,
my beautiful family.

It's nice to see you all. Good morning.
I love you all in a very special way.

Individually, that is.

You're depressed?

Depressed? Ha. I don't
know the meaning of the word.

I don't think Daddy does either.

I just talked to the lady from
the bank, you know, Miss Cooke?

She said, after a little begging,
she's gonna give me another interview.

To keep the Smash Club
alive, I gotta totally be prepared.

I'm gonna find a
book on every code:

Building codes, health codes,
municipal codes, area codes...

if there's a code out
there, I'm gonna crack it.

I'm glad you're happy
again, Uncle Jesse.

Aw, thanks, Michelle.

Here, Michelle.

Ah. This is the life.

Wait a second.

This is a nectarine.

I asked for a peach.

See? This is bald.

Try again.

- Nicky, did you find Waldo yet for me?
- No Waldo.

Keep looking. He's in there.

BECKY: Okay.

Oh, Becky, that sumo wrestler
really did a number on my back.

Could you do me a favor? Could
you get me an ice pack or something?

Oh, come on, Danny. Bozo
Yashi didn't sit on you that hard.

Becky, the only way a
700-pound guy sits on you is hard.

We're out of ice.

We have waffles, a pint of
Rocky Road and a rump roast.

Bring me the rump roast.

Danny, this is our dinner.

I'm gonna defrost it anyway.

Let's eat out tonight.

Ohh...

Guys, I'm thirsty.
Where's that water?

Mean Michelle.

Come on, I'm really dry.

ALEX: Mean!

Aah! Hey!

Hey!

My hair, my shirt. I'm soaked.

- What's going on out here?
- What's happening?

Nicky and Alex got me all wet.

Boys, that was not very nice.

It gets worse.

They brought me the wrong
fruit, they cleaned my room wrong.

- They brushed my hair wrong...
- Michelle, Michelle.

Honey, you know what, it, uh...

It sounds to me like you're
trying to turn your little cousins...

into your own personal servants.

Is that how it sounds?

Maybe I said it wrong.

Michelle, even though
Nicky and Alex are little...

they're still people and we
need to treat them with respect.

I know. But it was so easy.

I'm sorry for being so
bossy. Are you mad at me?

Okay, next.

- Section 27635 of the health code.
- 27635 of the health code?

Two seven... Oh, that's "all
restrooms must have self-closing doors."

- Am I right?
- Close.

"Food preparation
areas must be lit...

to a minimum brightness
of 20 foot-candles of light."

Close How's that close?

It's not. I was just
trying to be nice.

- I've got one. 27626.
- 27626?

That would be "potable water supply has
to be consistent with the 1989 standard."

- Am I right?
- I don't know. I just made up a number.

Michelle.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

All right, there she
is. Everybody out.

Thank you, guys, for
helping. Out, out, out.

D.J.: Okay.

- Are you sure you don't need any help?
- No, it's too late now.

It's just me and her.
Mano a womano.

- Hi.
- Good afternoon.

It's nice to see you
again. Won't you sit down?

Can I get you something
to eat, drink, approve?

- We'll see.
- Okay. I've done some research.

I found that the last
major renovation done...

at the Smash Club was in 1986.

Then you'll have to upgrade the
food preparation areas to code.

Right. The food preparation
areas. That's a good...

We were just going over that code earlier.
It's actually one of my favorite codes...

Don't tell me. I know it
like I know my address.

- Uncle Jesse?
- Yes, what?

D.J. said that I don't
have a belly button.

What?

Of course you have a belly
button. Can't you see I'm busy here?

Could you check?

Let me see. Oh, yes,
you do have a belly button.

Very good, you go back and tell D.J.
that you have the belly button of an angel.

Oh, by the way, that code
you're wondering, that was 27635.

I'm sure it was. Now, let's
talk maximum capacity.

Maximum capacity, good. That
would be under the fire codes.

Which is, uh...
That's a good one too.

You know, it's funny
because I was just reading...

about the fire codes
today in the big red book.

- Okay, big red book.
- Big red book, big red book.

Speaking of codes in general...

one of my all-time
favorite codes is 07470...

which, as we all know, is the
zip code to Wayne, New Jersey.

Odd thing about it... I tell
people and it freaks them out.

It's the same
forward or backwards.

- It's wacky.
- Bologna sandwich time.

Well, would you look
at the time? By God, it is.

Doctor's orders. I
have low blood fat so...

Let me inspect that sandwich
immediately please, I have to...

Michelle, you know that I love brown
mustard in my bologna sandwiches.

Sorry. I'll get it
right tomorrow.

Very good. Run along.

By the way, that code
just popped into my head.

It was 74762.

Mr. Katsopolis, let's talk about
things that are a bit more basic.

Like your financial statement.

Oh, great. Very good, well...

basically, it's right here.
Here's my financial statement.

Some basic floor plans
and a basic perspective...

which I think you'll
basically enjoy.

Oh, good. I'm very impressed.

- You've done your homework.
- Thank you.

- Now, the most important question.
- Shoot.

Why do you want to
reopen the Smash Club?

Why do I wanna
reopen the Smash Club?

Well, that is a good
question. Why do I want to...?

Why do I wanna
reopen the Smash Club?

What kind of bread do you want?

Mr. Katsopolis...

I'm afraid the answer to this
one won't be found in a sandwich.

Hold the mayo. We're busted.

Uh, all right, don't tell
me. I know this one.

Profit margins?

- Uh, franchising?
- I don't think you understand.

- Give me the first two letters.
- Mr. Katsopolis...

I can't help you.

Hey, Miss Cooke, what
do you want from me?

You know, I'm not a businessman.
I'm not a suit-and-tie kind of guy.

The Smash Club just fell on
my lap. It's a place that I grew up.

It's a place that's close to my
heart and I don't wanna see it die.

My plan was to
fix it up, you know?

Introduce a whole new
generation to great music.

I mean, don't you think a family
and their kids deserve a better place...

to hang out other than,
uh, behind a kitchen door?

Listen, Miss Cooke, I
don't have all the answers.

So you know what? Go
ahead and turn me down.

But I promise you, I'm gonna find a
way to keep the Smash Club open.

I know you will.

That's why I'm
approving your loan.

Really? You're gonna
approve the...? Thank you.

Your answer was exactly
what I wanted to hear.

- It came from your heart.
- Yeah, well...

- I got the big one right.
- Yeah.

You got another thing right too.

You're really not
the suit-and-tie type.

I prefer you in
your leather vest.

- How do you know I have a leather vest?
- Well, I've seen you perform.

I used to work at
the Smash Club.

Really?

You a waitress?

Cage dancer.

Whoo!

Ginger Snap?

- It's good to see you again, Jesse.
- Nice to see you.

- Take good care of the place.
- Thank you.

- Yeah.
- I love when you did that with the whole:

Hey, Uncle Jesse. We
couldn't help overhearing.

- You got the
money. D.J.: All right!

GIRLS: Wa-cha! JESSE: All
right, yeah. Thank you, guys.

- I wanna be a waitress.
- Yeah, let me decorate.

- I can make bologna sandwiches.
JESSE: Look, girls, hold it up.

Never gonna hear the
end from these kids.

Actually, honey, you know
what you need? A karaoke night.

And I can work on
some new standup.

[IN MARTIAN VOICE] Look,
I'm a Martian from another planet.

DANNY: You need a
singer? I got my ax here.

[DANNY SINGING WILD CHERRY'S
"PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC"]

Come on, I know this.

[ALL SINGING]

[ENGLISH SDH]