Full House (1987–1995): Season 7, Episode 23 - Too Little Richard Too Late - full transcript

To help try and save the art program at Michelle's school, Joey runs for president of the PTA. Little Richard guest stars as Denise's uncle and performs at Joey's pre-election rally.

Okay, boys, these
are safety scissors.

Now, you don't have to worry.
They won't cut clothing, fingers...

or paper, apparently.

I can do it.

Me too.

Boys, I should warn you, I've been
using safety scissors unsupervised...

since I was 25, so don't
be too discouraged if it...

You know, if it
comes too easily.

Here, kite.

Dad, it's not fair. Art
is my favorite subject.

I know, Michelle, but there's not
enough money in the school budget.



Something had to go.

How about those sloppy
joes they serve at lunch?

I'm sorry they cut the art program,
but if it'll make you feel better...

- you can help us with our collage.
- No, thanks.

It will just remind of how much
fun I used to have in art class.

I can't believe they
cut the art program.

I mean, what are they gonna cut
next? Lunch, recess, dodgeball?

These are the building
blocks of education.

I'm gonna bring it all up
tonight at the PTA meeting.

- You should come with me.
- I don't think so, Danny.

There's free food
and a filmstrip.

We gotta save that art program.

How come you had to
pull it all the way out?

I thought there's
more drawer than that.



All right, okay, girls,
prepare to hug your uncle.

What? What do you have?

I got tickets for the
whole family to see...

- Little Richard.
- I love Little Richard.

He sings "Itsy Bitsy
Spider" on my new CD.

- He's a lot more famous than that.
- That's right. Tell her, girls.

He did those really
cool taco commercials.

Oh!

Girls, I have failed
as both your uncle and

your official historian
of rock 'n' roll...

which Little Richard happens
to be the founding father of.

He's the cat who put the "womp-bomp-
a-loom-bam" with the "womp-bam-boom."

I was wondering who did that.

These tickets are so cool,
I almost hate to use them.

I'm thinking of putting them in a frame,
hanging them. Wouldn't that be cool?

Oh, Uncle Jesse, will you help
us get the sock drawer back in?

Sure. You happen to be talking to the guy
who got Joey's head out of the breadbox.

All right. All it takes
is a little finesse.

Just a little finesse is fine.

Finesse kind of...

And some pounding.

There you go.

- Thanks.
- Ain't nothing to it. A baby could do it.

Uncle Jesse, now it's stuck.

- You got socks on?
- Yeah.

Worry about it tomorrow.

[ALL CHATTERING]

- Well, hello there, Joey.
- Oh.

Hello there, Mrs. Carruthers.

As always, you're
a vision in flannel.

And you're a vision in whatever it
is that's covering your body there.

You know what? Enough talk about textiles.
Why don't we get on with the meeting?

The meeting of the Frasier Street
School PTA will now come to order.

First on the agenda is
the upcoming elections.

I will, as always, be happy
to return as your president.

Is there any other business
before we move on to coffee...

and Mrs. Yablonski's
prune squares?

Make it quick, Mr. Tanner.

Yes, I just think it's a disgrace
that we're losing our art classes...

and I'd like to know what the
PTA intends to do to get them back.

Well, Mr. Tanner, school budgets
are not a matter for the PTA.

Yes, but without art,
our walls will be empty.

All the cracks in
the plaster will show.

And you know what's gonna happen?
They'll fill up with filth, dust and grime.

You're not gonna get in there
with just a vacuum cleaner.

You're gonna need a Q-Tip.
You'll have to dip it in Lysol.

You're gonna work it
in and out, up and down.

- Tell them how art enriches our lives.
- Right.

Art enriches our lives.

Ask them where they'd
be without the Mona Lisa...

Whistler's Mother, those
dogs playing poker. Ask them.

Right. Where would we be
with...? Dogs playing poker?

Why don't you tell
them that? Go ahead.

Hi, everyone.

Basically, I think
we just need art.

I'm not just talking about
paintings and sculptures...

What about animation?

Do we wanna deny the
world the next Bugs Bunny...

or Mickey Mouse or Daffy Duck?

[IMITATES DAFFY DUCK] Because
art enhances a student's progress.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Basically, what I'm saying is that...

art is a really
wonderful thing for kids.

It makes them feel
great about themselves.

So thanks for listening
and drive carefully.

Bravo, Joey.

That was very passionate.
Ineffective but passionate.

And now, on to
the prune squares.

What is it now, Mr. Tanner?

I'd like to get back
to that election thing.

I mean, what automatically
makes you president again?

I'm always proclaimed president.
So now, without further ado...

let's hoist me on your shoulders
and once around the room.

Excuse me, everybody.

I would like to nominate
Joey Gladstone as president.

I second that.

I really don't think so.

Come on, Joey. The
school really needs you.

You love kids, you care about
kids. Heck, you are a kid, Joey.

And frankly, I'd rather hoist you around
on my shoulders than Mrs. Carruthers.

What do you say, everybody?
You wanna let Joey run...

- and have a real election
this year? ALL: Yeah.

MAN 1: Good idea.
WOMAN 1: Come on.

- All right, I'll do
it. MAN 2: All right.

- I'll do it. WOMAN
2: That's great.

Well, that's it. The Little
Richard tickets are officially lost.

I checked everywhere. I even
checked under Joey's bed.

When I came to, I
checked the garage.

All finished.

Oh, boys, let me see.

[BECKY GASPS]

Oh!

- This one.
- Oh, it's beautiful.

Jess, look what Leonardo
and da Vinci created.

Oh, that is beautiful, guys.

It's colorful. It's...

Look at these little blue
flecks. There's an L and an R...

They cut up my
Little Richard tickets.

Oh, Jess, let's not panic here, okay? I
went through something similar to this.

My sister, one time, she ripped up my
very valuable Willie Mays baseball card.

I was able to glue
it back together.

Of course, he looked
more like Weezy Jefferson.

No, it's okay.
It's not their fault.

You know, I guess we weren't
meant to see Little Richard, that's all.

Guys, look at this. "Vote
for Mrs. Carruthers."

I found it on my windshield.

I had no idea this PTA election
was gonna get so darn serious.

Oh, Joey, relax. Who's
gonna notice a couple of flyers?

They might notice the T-shirts,
balloons and frozen yogurt.

Where'd you get that stuff?

It's free at Mrs. Carruthers'
campaign headquarters.

All we gotta do is ask our
parents to vote for Mrs. Carruthers.

Michelle, you're supposed
to tell people to vote for Joey.

Sir, I'm still on
Mr. Gladstone's side.

I'm just eating yogurt because
I have a delicate stomach.

I ate a Cobb salad for lunch,
and if I may be so candid...

it's sitting like a brick.

Look at all this stuff. How am I
ever gonna compete with Carruthers?

I gotta come up with
something really big.

Have a rally with
someone famous.

You know, when my mom ran for
president of the Pro Wrestlers' Union...

she invited the
Village People to play.

That sounds like a movie of the week.
Why don't you go home and write it?

Jess, wait a second
here. You know what?

Kimmy's brain cells might have
inadvertently connected here.

Maybe a little campaign
rally's not such a bad idea.

- Who could we get to come that's famous?
- My uncle could do it.

Whenever we have a party...

he's the first one to
jump up and start singing.

He's probably the first one to finish
the punch and put the bowl on his head.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

I bet that's my uncle.

He's picking me up today.
You wanna meet him?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

Is he gonna wear that
punch bowl on his head?

- Who is it? MAN: Uncle Richard.

You're Little Richard.

[LITTLE RICHARD WHOOPS]

Uncle Little Richard,
these are my friends.

I have your record, Mr. Little.

Could you play the
"Itsy Bitsy Spider" for us?

Woo-woo! I love that spider.

All I need is the 88 keys.

How about a piano?

Even better.

- Follow me.
- Okay.

Right this way.

Joey, would you blanch the
vegetables? I'll toss the salad and...

Hi. Hi, everybody.

And I think Little Richard just
walked through the kitchen.

[SINGING "ITSY BITSY SPIDER"]

[BOTH WHOOP]

[DENISE WHOOPS]

Whoo!

Can't believe it! Little
Richard played my piano.

It's like having Henry
Ford tune up your car.

- I know that's right.
- Oh, yeah.

I can't believe that you're the uncle who
plays at all of Denise's family parties.

He says you drink up all the punch
and put the bowl up on your head.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Little Richard, could
you play at Joey's rally?

Oh, Michelle, we couldn't impose
on an international superstar...

to play at a PTA rally.

Sure, it's a good cause to
get the art program back...

and, who knows, they might
cancel the music program next...

Shut up, so I can say yes.

- Yeah.
- All right.

All right.

Where is Little Richard?

He was rehearsing with The Rippers.
He's supposed to be here a half hour ago.

He better hurry. I don't know
how much longer Danny can stall.

He's running out of
things to say about Joey.

So, what else can I say about Joey
that I haven't said in the past 30 minutes?

Well, his socks always match.

You said that.

Well, I can't
emphasize it enough.

Well, well, well.

Obviously, Joey Gladstone
has been unable to provide...

the entertainment he promised.

Give me that.

Is that the kind of man you
wanna see as president?

In a thong, certainly,
but president?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Joey Gladstone promised us
entertainment and we have it.

- Oh, really?
- Yes, yes.

In fact, Joey, Jesse and I were
just gonna sing a little song.

Come on up, guys.

- What song are we gonna do?
- We don't have anything planned.

Well, we'll just wing it.

JESSE: All right.

[DANNY HUMMING]

[SINGING "WHERE OR WHEN"]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING "IT'S ONLY
A PAPER MOON"]

And now, for your enjoyment...

my impression of a beautiful
young girl being frisked by MacGyver.

MacGyver?

Ooh, MacGyver.

MacGyver, I hardly know you.

BOTH: Give me an N. ALL: N.

- Give me a T.
- T.

What does that spell?

Joey Gladstone will make
a really good choice...

for PTA president.

- Right.
- Thank you.

Well, well, wasn't that endless?

Joey, if you concede now,
I'll put you in my cabinet.

And I'll let you
out late at night.

Wait just a second.
Hold on here.

I'm not giving up yet. These
people care about the real issues.

They're not here just to see
Little Richard, am I right, people?

MAN: That's right.
WOMAN: There he is.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Thank you for such a big applause.
Those are the people I care about.

That's right.

Yeah, that's right. We got a
responsibility to these kids.

Shut up, Joey.

They're not cheering for
you. They're cheering for me.

- Get off the stage.
- Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
legendary but tardy Little Richard!

[SINGING "KEEP ON KNOCKIN'"]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- Save the art
program. MAN: Yeah.

And remember on
election day to vote for me.

I mean, Joey.

And good night, everybody.

[BAND PLAYING]

Excuse me, people.

Now, last night, I took a
look at the PTA constitution.

It says and I quote:

"The president of the
Frasier Street School PTA...

must be a parent of
a child in the school."

Now, since Joey is a striking yet
childless bachelor, he is disqualified.

Wait, wait. Hold on here.

Now, wait just a doggone minute.

I mean, what exactly
is a parent anyway?

I say it's someone who sits up
with you when you have the measles.

ALL: Yeah.

Someone who checks to see if
there's a monster under your bed.

ALL: Yeah. D.J.: Yeah, Joey.

It's someone who helps you rebuild a
papier-mâché bust of Warren G. Harding...

the day its due because he
accidentally sat on it the night before.

I'm still sorry
about that, Steph.

It's okay.

Someone who cares and cries
and hopes that the kids they love...

grow up to be happy and
safe and lead a good life.

MAN: Right. WOMAN: That's right.

DENISE: Yeah.

And maybe I don't
have kids of my own...

but in my heart, I'm as much
a parent as anybody here.

CARRUTHERS: Yes,
yes. D.J.: Come on, Joey.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, Joey, what can I say?

You're as beautiful on the
inside as you are from the back.

I would be so honored if you
would be my co-president...

and together we'd get that
art program back for our kids.

Thank you, Mrs.
Carruthers, I accept.

[BAND PLAYING]

Mrs. Carruthers, I wanna
dance with you, okay?

But I'm very
professional. All right?

Mrs. Carruthers,
okay. That's enough.

[ENGLISH]