Full House (1987–1995): Season 7, Episode 16 - Joey's Funny Valentine - full transcript
Joey thinks he has found his dream girl, comic Roxy Mardin, But she turns out to be a nightmare.
Steph, what's a vowel?
Anything that's not a consonant.
D.J., what's a consonant?
Anything that's not a vowel.
I think it's time for me
to work on my math.
Hey, Steph, can I
use your calculator?
PARROT: Hey, take a hike, toots.
A simple no would've been fine.
PARROT: I'm a pretty
bird and you're not.
[PARROT SQUAWKS]
Wow.
What a beautiful
parrot. He must be lost.
[BARKING]
Easy, Comet.
Don't scare the bird.
[SQUAWKING]
[COMET WHIMPERS]
I think the bird
is safe for now.
Oh, I'll tell you the worst
comedy club I ever played:
- The Giggle Barn.
- Fort Dodge, Iowa. I played it.
Hey, did the dancing
chicken open for you?
Yep, the chicken
killed, I laid the egg.
So are you ready to meet the family?
I've told them everything about you.
- Uh-oh. What exactly did you tell them?
- Well, nothing bad.
Just that we've been going
out for a couple of weeks...
and that you are the
funniest person they'll
ever meet in their
whole entire lives.
You told them that I'm funny?
That was what I was afraid of.
Well, you are funny.
What's wrong with that?
Well, yeah, to you and to
my friends and on stage.
But whenever I'm around new
people and they expect me to be funny...
I get all flustered and nervous.
I clam up. I sweat in places I
didn't even know had glands.
Glands. See? Glands
are funny. Just relax, okay?
Gosh, I can't believe the
chicken was funnier than you.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You're such a goofball.
[IMITATING THE
COWARDLY LION] Aw, shucks.
Put them up, put them up.
Oh, look at this.
You guys are doing such a
good job with the laundry...
I have a surprise for you.
I'm gonna let you help me
shelf-paper the shelf-paper shelf.
Oh, you're in for fun.
Oh, Roxy, this is my best
pal in the whole world...
and mildew's number
one enemy, Danny Tanner.
- Danny, Roxy. Roxy, Danny.
- Nice to meet you, Danny.
Oh, it's... It's...
Wait one sec.
There we are. It's
really nice to meet you.
Joey has been telling all of us that
you're the funniest woman in the world.
Well, you know
how wacky Joey is.
No. How wacky is he?
Well, he's just
incredibly wacky.
That's pretty wacky.
So are you hungry? I
got three kinds of tuna.
Thanks.
See, I told you, Joey. I was so nervous,
I couldn't think of anything funny.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You'll get him next time.
Jess, how long are you gonna
wear that thing on your head?
Till the hot-oil treatment
reaches full-scalp saturation.
It says right here.
You look like a
pan of Jiffy Pop.
Beck, Mr. Baked Potato
Head, this is Roxy.
- Mr. Baked Potato Head?
- What?
- Roxy.
- Oh, hi.
Hi. Company. I didn't
even... I didn't even know.
I guess I should
explain the... thing.
My hairdresser, Alejandro...
he found a couple of split
ends. It's a terrible thing.
So he figures we can fix this with
about six hours of hot-oil treatment...
a lot of words of encouragement,
and if you could swing by the church...
and light a candle for my
hair, that wouldn't hurt either.
Well, Roxy, it's so
nice to finally meet you.
Joey keeps telling
us how funny you are.
Really? I'll have
to thank him later.
So how did you get
started in comedy?
Well, I don't know. I guess I
just come from a funny family.
Really?
How funny were they?
Well, they were so funny...
that we laughed regularly.
Really?
Well, you know, that's good.
You know, when it comes to
laughing, it's good to be regular.
I got a funny hat.
Like Daddy.
Hey, boys, boys,
boys, we have a guest.
It's not polite to wear
underwear on your head.
Look at your head.
Well, okay. Foil's acceptable.
Boys, hand over
the B.V.D. berets.
- No.
- No.
JOEY: Hey, guys.
- Come back here.
REBECCA: I'm gonna
get you. DANNY: Hey, girls.
First, I'd like to introduce
you to Joey's friend Roxy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And now I'd like to ask you,
why do you have a parrot?
He flew right in the
window. He must be lost.
PARROT: Buy now, pay later.
Buy now, pay later.
Hey, I know this bird.
That's Little Sid from
Big Sid's Electronics Barn.
He does all those commercials.
I'll bet you Big Sid's
offering a big reward for him.
- Cool. I could use some mall money.
- For me. I saw him first.
He pooped on my bed.
- I'm the one that should get...
- Come on, you guys...
Girls, girls, girls.
We have company.
Excuse us. We're really glad to meet
you. Joey told us how funny you are.
Yeah, he's been
spreading the word.
- Can you tell us a joke?
- Well, let me see.
I have one. Say, "Knock, knock."
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Oh, I'm supposed
to do the funny part.
"Oh, I'm supposed to
do the funny part" who?
Gee, will you look at the time? I've
got an audition. I don't wanna be late.
I don't get it.
- I'll walk you out.
- Oh, that's okay, that's okay.
Okay. Good luck.
- Have a great audition.
- Just don't use that knock-knock joke.
- Bye. DANNY: Bye, Roxy.
You guys, I know she
wasn't funny just now...
but she was really nervous
about meeting all of you.
Joey, everything's okay.
She seemed really nice.
Yeah, she seemed very nice.
You can't really know her
until you see how funny she is.
You guys have to
see her in her element.
Sunday night is comedy
night at the Smash Club.
Why don't you guys
come and watch her act?
Oh, okay. You know what?
We'll make a night of it.
- Great.
- Yeah, it'd be fun.
- Cool. PARROT: Give
me a cracker, fathead.
[PARROT SQUAWKS]
And why don't we
leave Little Sid at home?
[PARROT LAUGHING]
So I'll need the two-hour
Dustbuster battery. Thanks.
- Hey, Dad. DANNY: Hey.
STEPH: Hi, Dad.
MICHELLE: Hi, Dad.
Hey. So how did it go? The
two Sids have a happy reunion?
Oh, you should've seen
the flapping and squawking.
Yeah, and the bird
was pretty excited too.
Yeah, and we got a great reward.
Big Sid said we could get
one thing from his catalog.
So obviously, we're gonna
go for the big-screen TV.
Not so obviously.
We already have a TV.
What we need is
a karaoke machine.
I always wanted one of those.
What is it?
Well, a karaoke
machine plays music...
and shows you the words
so you can sing along.
I knew it sounded cool.
No, what sounds cool is 55
inches of pure viewing pleasure.
What do you think, Steve?
Well, you know, those karaoke
machines are a lot of fun.
Of course, nothing can possibly beat
the thrill of watching Willard Scott...
bigger than life right
in your own living room.
I'm just gonna flip through
the catalog right over here.
Okay, I want the big-screen TV
and you want the karaoke machine.
Let's decide this fairly.
I'm older, TV, case closed.
- You can't do that. Can she do that?
- She can't do that.
Dad says you can't do that.
Okay, Michelle, sweetie, it's up to
you. You have the deciding vote here.
- Michelle?
- Michelle?
Yeah, you know, the little
blond that lives upstairs.
That would be me.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Kimmy, you got table six.
- No way. I don't want those losers.
They complain, they're horrible tippers,
and they treat me like a slave girl.
Fine, I'll take them.
Hi. What can I get you?
I hope your family likes me
tonight. I worked them into the act.
That is so great.
They're gonna love that.
Okay, enough of that,
enough of that. You ready?
- Well, it's now or never.
- Actually, it's now.
- Hey, boss man. We're out of napkins.
- Whoa!
Well, all right, I'll take care of
it. Run along, Kimmy. Get lost.
Okay. Thanks for the pep talk.
- You're a real motivator.
- Yeah, okay.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome to comedy night
here at the Smash Club.
Now, I have an
announcement to make.
In our ongoing effort to
preserve the environment...
we're doing away
with all paper napkins.
It's Use Your Sleeve Night
here at the Smash Club.
[LAUGHING]
Okay, thanks. Now...
Now up is a very funny
and talented young lady.
Let's give a big
hand for Roxy Martin.
Well, thank you, thank you.
Well, I'm in a great mood tonight
because I'm in a new relationship.
Hi, Joey.
My friends always ask me:
"How can you go out with a guy
who's so obsessed with cartoons?"
I say, "Hey, there's more to Joey
than just silly voices and impressions.
There's also rude noises."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He brought the
family down tonight.
Guys, guys, take a bow.
Stand up, take a bow.
I'm sure you recognize Danny
Tanner and Rebecca Donaldson...
from Wake Up, San Francisco.
I've seen that show. Go
back to bed, San Francisco.
Unfortunately, when you meet them
in person, there's no mute button.
Danny has three daughters,
D.J., Stephanie and Michelle.
And, you know, they have
fights that most sisters have:
Eye-gouging, hair-pulling...
and the occasional
ball-peen hammer to the head.
They're like the Three
Stooges in pantyhose.
[MICHELLE LAUGHING]
ROXY: And what about
those two little twin boys?
Michelle, that's not funny.
She's making us look like dorks.
The nerve.
And what can I say about
Jesse? He has great hair.
He also has enough oil
on his head to join OPEC.
You know the spill last summer?
That was Jesse rinsing out his comb.
Hey, I told you guys she's
funny. She's killing up there.
ROXY: Oh, they're
very sweet, but...
And you're not laughing.
No, we're not. But
thanks for inviting us, Joey.
What do you have planned for us
next, a beating in the parking lot?
ROXY: You guys are great.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Okay, boys, you ready?
We're gonna make animals
out of this Play-Doh, okay?
Here's your animal.
There you go.
Where's Joey?
Well, honey, Joey has a new friend and
he's been spending a lot of time with her.
[CHANTING] We want
Joey. We want Joey.
BOTH [CHANTING]: We
want Joey. We want Joey.
We want Joey.
All right, okay. All right,
all right, boys. I know.
You like making animals with Joey
because he makes all the funny noises.
But, hey, your old man's been known
to make a few funny noises in his time.
Did you know that? All right,
you guys, give me an animal.
Just give me any animal right off
the top of your head. Go ahead, shoot.
Hippopotamus.
Okay, all right, I'll try
to do a hippopotamus.
[JESSE CLEARS THROAT]
[IN DEEP VOICE] Hey, I'm a
big, fat, muddy hippopotamus.
BOTH [CHANTING]: We
want Joey. We want Joey.
We want Joey. We want Joey.
We want Joey. We want Joey.
[TWINS CHEERING]
Oh, Joey, thank goodness you're
here. We really could use your help.
Jesse's hippo is kind of lame-o.
I'll play with you guys later.
Well, it took a couple days, but I
see you got your sense of humor back.
Come on, Joey.
Roxy, she ambushed
us up there on that stage.
Right, Danny?
Well, I wouldn't say ambushed
so much as bushwhacked.
Come on, Danny.
Sorry, maybe I'll just
press my mute button.
You don't understand.
When a comic makes a joke about
you, it's the highest compliment.
Well, Joey, she really embarrassed
us, and we didn't think it was funny.
If you don't think she's funny, that's the
same thing as saying you don't like her.
Is that what you
guys are saying?
All right, fine. No, I get it.
Well, I don't know how
to tell you guys this...
but if you don't wanna be around
her, you're not gonna be around me.
Joey. Joey.
All right, maybe...
Maybe we were oversensitive
about a couple points.
Yeah, maybe Roxy shouldn't
have made fun of the girls.
I was talking about my hair.
Joey, if Roxy's important
to you, she's important to us.
You know what? Let's
give it another shot.
- What do you say we invite her for dinner?
- That's a good idea.
- You sure?
- Absolutely.
[IMITATING REN] Oh, Stimpy,
you couldn't make me happier...
if you spanked me
with a big, wet waffle.
Ah!
Well, this should be interesting.
Roxy's coming over for dinner.
- What the heck are we gonna make for her?
- Anything but...
[IMITATES REN] big, wet waffles.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
- Hey, what are you watching?
- Cartoons.
Oh, yeah, it is. You know,
everything looked so small...
I thought it was a
commercial for an ant farm.
Imagine having a big-screen TV.
You know, you could watch Tiny Toons
and everything wouldn't look so tiny.
- What are you doing?
- Just talking to my sister.
I know what you're up to.
You're trying to talk Michelle
into getting the big-screen TV.
So what if I am? You're
working on her day and night.
Yeah, right. Like I'm sitting there at 3
in the morning whispering in her ear:
"Karaoke machine,
karaoke machine."
That was you.
- Big-screen.
- Karaoke.
- Big-screen. Big-screen.
- Karaoke. Karaoke.
Dad, please, help!
- Help, please!
- What's the matter, honey?
Make the voices stop!
All right, D.J., Stephanie,
move away from your sister.
We're gonna settle
this once and for all.
I am taking you down to Big Sid's, and you
alone are gonna make the decision, okay?
D.J.: That's not
fair. You can't...
Without Siskel and Ebert
screaming in your ear.
Okay, quick, get in
the car. Go, go, go.
- But, Dad...
- Not another word.
Get in the car,
Michelle. I'm coming!
- Karaoke!
- Big-screen!
- Karaoke!
- Big-screen!
- Karaoke!
- Big-screen!
- Karaoke!
- Big-screen!
D.J., Stephanie, we're back!
- Did you get the big-screen?
- Karaoke?
Nope.
Well, Michelle finally found
something that she liked.
- That's it?
- Pretty cool, huh?
What were you thinking?
I decided this is
something we can all enjoy.
I'm sorry, girls. It was
Michelle's decision.
Personally, I lobbied
for the washer-dryer.
This way we could
always remember Little Sid.
Big Sid's kind of cute too.
- Hey. DANNY: Hey.
- What's Big Sid doing here?
- He lives here now.
Well, I guess we could
prop it up in the window...
and scare the heck
out of the Amway lady.
[CAR DOORS CLOSING]
Okay, that would
be Joey and Roxy.
Now, guys, we wanna
be really nice to her, okay?
- But, Dad, she insulted us.
- I know that.
Joey cares about her. We
gotta give her a second chance.
Let's just be good sports and show
her, somehow, that we really like her.
How do we do that?
Well, I guess a good way would
be to laugh at all of her jokes.
- What if they're not funny?
- Laugh anyway.
If we wanna keep
Joey in our lives...
we're gonna have to laugh
like we never laughed before.
[LAUGHING]
- What was that?
- I never laughed like that before.
Why are we doing
this? They don't like me.
Oh, no. They just don't
know you like I know you.
You gotta give
them another chance.
I just don't wanna bomb
with your family again.
Well, then, this time, don't
worry about being funny.
Just be open and honest, and
everything will work out just fine.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
Well, then again, I was sure that the
Chicken McLiver was gonna take off.
All right, my
famous fried chicken.
DANNY: That looks good for us.
- Everybody, look who's here.
- Hi.
JESSE: Hi.
- Hi, Roxy. Hope you like chicken.
Oh, I'm a big chicken person.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Big chicken person. You're
quick, young lady, you really are.
Well, I'm glad you guys
are still talking to me...
after what happened the other
night at the club. I forget sometimes...
that a joke can hurt as much as
slamming your finger in a car door.
Car door.
[IMITATES JOHNNY CARSON]
That is funny, funny stuff.
I think what Roxy's
trying to say...
is she would never say
anything to hurt anyone...
because she knows how it feels.
It's true. When I was a little girl,
people used to make fun of my voice.
Other kids used
to call me Squeaky.
Squeaky, I have to
remember that one.
What is wrong with you guys?
Nothing. We're just
laughing at Squeaky's jokes.
Roxy's not trying to tell jokes.
She's trying to be open
and honest with you.
I'm sorry. We thought
that you were being funny.
We were just trying to
show you that we like you.
By laughing at her?
You made it seem like the only
way to show Roxy that we like her...
was to laugh at her jokes.
Well, Joey, you told
me not to tell any jokes.
Roxy, I'm sorry, I...
When I told you not to be funny
and to be open and honest, I...
Well, I thought it would take the pressure
off of you so that you could be funny.
Joey, what's the big
deal about being funny?
Well, you guys know, when I
was a kid, I moved around a lot...
and that was my way
to get people to like me.
Joey, if you never did your
Bullwinkle or gargled your Kool-Aid...
or said another funny thing your
whole life, we would still love you.
- That's right, buddy.
D.J.: Yeah, Joey.
Well, thanks, guys.
Well, I haven't said a funny thing all
night. You guys must be crazy about me.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Tell you what, why don't we start over?
Roxy, these are the guys. Guys, Roxy.
- Roxy, nice to meet you.
REBECCA: Hey, Roxy.
Joey's told us absolutely
nothing about you.
- Great.
- Have some fried food.
Yeah.
- No making out at the dinner table.
- All right.
[ENGLISH SDH]
Anything that's not a consonant.
D.J., what's a consonant?
Anything that's not a vowel.
I think it's time for me
to work on my math.
Hey, Steph, can I
use your calculator?
PARROT: Hey, take a hike, toots.
A simple no would've been fine.
PARROT: I'm a pretty
bird and you're not.
[PARROT SQUAWKS]
Wow.
What a beautiful
parrot. He must be lost.
[BARKING]
Easy, Comet.
Don't scare the bird.
[SQUAWKING]
[COMET WHIMPERS]
I think the bird
is safe for now.
Oh, I'll tell you the worst
comedy club I ever played:
- The Giggle Barn.
- Fort Dodge, Iowa. I played it.
Hey, did the dancing
chicken open for you?
Yep, the chicken
killed, I laid the egg.
So are you ready to meet the family?
I've told them everything about you.
- Uh-oh. What exactly did you tell them?
- Well, nothing bad.
Just that we've been going
out for a couple of weeks...
and that you are the
funniest person they'll
ever meet in their
whole entire lives.
You told them that I'm funny?
That was what I was afraid of.
Well, you are funny.
What's wrong with that?
Well, yeah, to you and to
my friends and on stage.
But whenever I'm around new
people and they expect me to be funny...
I get all flustered and nervous.
I clam up. I sweat in places I
didn't even know had glands.
Glands. See? Glands
are funny. Just relax, okay?
Gosh, I can't believe the
chicken was funnier than you.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You're such a goofball.
[IMITATING THE
COWARDLY LION] Aw, shucks.
Put them up, put them up.
Oh, look at this.
You guys are doing such a
good job with the laundry...
I have a surprise for you.
I'm gonna let you help me
shelf-paper the shelf-paper shelf.
Oh, you're in for fun.
Oh, Roxy, this is my best
pal in the whole world...
and mildew's number
one enemy, Danny Tanner.
- Danny, Roxy. Roxy, Danny.
- Nice to meet you, Danny.
Oh, it's... It's...
Wait one sec.
There we are. It's
really nice to meet you.
Joey has been telling all of us that
you're the funniest woman in the world.
Well, you know
how wacky Joey is.
No. How wacky is he?
Well, he's just
incredibly wacky.
That's pretty wacky.
So are you hungry? I
got three kinds of tuna.
Thanks.
See, I told you, Joey. I was so nervous,
I couldn't think of anything funny.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You'll get him next time.
Jess, how long are you gonna
wear that thing on your head?
Till the hot-oil treatment
reaches full-scalp saturation.
It says right here.
You look like a
pan of Jiffy Pop.
Beck, Mr. Baked Potato
Head, this is Roxy.
- Mr. Baked Potato Head?
- What?
- Roxy.
- Oh, hi.
Hi. Company. I didn't
even... I didn't even know.
I guess I should
explain the... thing.
My hairdresser, Alejandro...
he found a couple of split
ends. It's a terrible thing.
So he figures we can fix this with
about six hours of hot-oil treatment...
a lot of words of encouragement,
and if you could swing by the church...
and light a candle for my
hair, that wouldn't hurt either.
Well, Roxy, it's so
nice to finally meet you.
Joey keeps telling
us how funny you are.
Really? I'll have
to thank him later.
So how did you get
started in comedy?
Well, I don't know. I guess I
just come from a funny family.
Really?
How funny were they?
Well, they were so funny...
that we laughed regularly.
Really?
Well, you know, that's good.
You know, when it comes to
laughing, it's good to be regular.
I got a funny hat.
Like Daddy.
Hey, boys, boys,
boys, we have a guest.
It's not polite to wear
underwear on your head.
Look at your head.
Well, okay. Foil's acceptable.
Boys, hand over
the B.V.D. berets.
- No.
- No.
JOEY: Hey, guys.
- Come back here.
REBECCA: I'm gonna
get you. DANNY: Hey, girls.
First, I'd like to introduce
you to Joey's friend Roxy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And now I'd like to ask you,
why do you have a parrot?
He flew right in the
window. He must be lost.
PARROT: Buy now, pay later.
Buy now, pay later.
Hey, I know this bird.
That's Little Sid from
Big Sid's Electronics Barn.
He does all those commercials.
I'll bet you Big Sid's
offering a big reward for him.
- Cool. I could use some mall money.
- For me. I saw him first.
He pooped on my bed.
- I'm the one that should get...
- Come on, you guys...
Girls, girls, girls.
We have company.
Excuse us. We're really glad to meet
you. Joey told us how funny you are.
Yeah, he's been
spreading the word.
- Can you tell us a joke?
- Well, let me see.
I have one. Say, "Knock, knock."
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Oh, I'm supposed
to do the funny part.
"Oh, I'm supposed to
do the funny part" who?
Gee, will you look at the time? I've
got an audition. I don't wanna be late.
I don't get it.
- I'll walk you out.
- Oh, that's okay, that's okay.
Okay. Good luck.
- Have a great audition.
- Just don't use that knock-knock joke.
- Bye. DANNY: Bye, Roxy.
You guys, I know she
wasn't funny just now...
but she was really nervous
about meeting all of you.
Joey, everything's okay.
She seemed really nice.
Yeah, she seemed very nice.
You can't really know her
until you see how funny she is.
You guys have to
see her in her element.
Sunday night is comedy
night at the Smash Club.
Why don't you guys
come and watch her act?
Oh, okay. You know what?
We'll make a night of it.
- Great.
- Yeah, it'd be fun.
- Cool. PARROT: Give
me a cracker, fathead.
[PARROT SQUAWKS]
And why don't we
leave Little Sid at home?
[PARROT LAUGHING]
So I'll need the two-hour
Dustbuster battery. Thanks.
- Hey, Dad. DANNY: Hey.
STEPH: Hi, Dad.
MICHELLE: Hi, Dad.
Hey. So how did it go? The
two Sids have a happy reunion?
Oh, you should've seen
the flapping and squawking.
Yeah, and the bird
was pretty excited too.
Yeah, and we got a great reward.
Big Sid said we could get
one thing from his catalog.
So obviously, we're gonna
go for the big-screen TV.
Not so obviously.
We already have a TV.
What we need is
a karaoke machine.
I always wanted one of those.
What is it?
Well, a karaoke
machine plays music...
and shows you the words
so you can sing along.
I knew it sounded cool.
No, what sounds cool is 55
inches of pure viewing pleasure.
What do you think, Steve?
Well, you know, those karaoke
machines are a lot of fun.
Of course, nothing can possibly beat
the thrill of watching Willard Scott...
bigger than life right
in your own living room.
I'm just gonna flip through
the catalog right over here.
Okay, I want the big-screen TV
and you want the karaoke machine.
Let's decide this fairly.
I'm older, TV, case closed.
- You can't do that. Can she do that?
- She can't do that.
Dad says you can't do that.
Okay, Michelle, sweetie, it's up to
you. You have the deciding vote here.
- Michelle?
- Michelle?
Yeah, you know, the little
blond that lives upstairs.
That would be me.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Kimmy, you got table six.
- No way. I don't want those losers.
They complain, they're horrible tippers,
and they treat me like a slave girl.
Fine, I'll take them.
Hi. What can I get you?
I hope your family likes me
tonight. I worked them into the act.
That is so great.
They're gonna love that.
Okay, enough of that,
enough of that. You ready?
- Well, it's now or never.
- Actually, it's now.
- Hey, boss man. We're out of napkins.
- Whoa!
Well, all right, I'll take care of
it. Run along, Kimmy. Get lost.
Okay. Thanks for the pep talk.
- You're a real motivator.
- Yeah, okay.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome to comedy night
here at the Smash Club.
Now, I have an
announcement to make.
In our ongoing effort to
preserve the environment...
we're doing away
with all paper napkins.
It's Use Your Sleeve Night
here at the Smash Club.
[LAUGHING]
Okay, thanks. Now...
Now up is a very funny
and talented young lady.
Let's give a big
hand for Roxy Martin.
Well, thank you, thank you.
Well, I'm in a great mood tonight
because I'm in a new relationship.
Hi, Joey.
My friends always ask me:
"How can you go out with a guy
who's so obsessed with cartoons?"
I say, "Hey, there's more to Joey
than just silly voices and impressions.
There's also rude noises."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He brought the
family down tonight.
Guys, guys, take a bow.
Stand up, take a bow.
I'm sure you recognize Danny
Tanner and Rebecca Donaldson...
from Wake Up, San Francisco.
I've seen that show. Go
back to bed, San Francisco.
Unfortunately, when you meet them
in person, there's no mute button.
Danny has three daughters,
D.J., Stephanie and Michelle.
And, you know, they have
fights that most sisters have:
Eye-gouging, hair-pulling...
and the occasional
ball-peen hammer to the head.
They're like the Three
Stooges in pantyhose.
[MICHELLE LAUGHING]
ROXY: And what about
those two little twin boys?
Michelle, that's not funny.
She's making us look like dorks.
The nerve.
And what can I say about
Jesse? He has great hair.
He also has enough oil
on his head to join OPEC.
You know the spill last summer?
That was Jesse rinsing out his comb.
Hey, I told you guys she's
funny. She's killing up there.
ROXY: Oh, they're
very sweet, but...
And you're not laughing.
No, we're not. But
thanks for inviting us, Joey.
What do you have planned for us
next, a beating in the parking lot?
ROXY: You guys are great.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Okay, boys, you ready?
We're gonna make animals
out of this Play-Doh, okay?
Here's your animal.
There you go.
Where's Joey?
Well, honey, Joey has a new friend and
he's been spending a lot of time with her.
[CHANTING] We want
Joey. We want Joey.
BOTH [CHANTING]: We
want Joey. We want Joey.
We want Joey.
All right, okay. All right,
all right, boys. I know.
You like making animals with Joey
because he makes all the funny noises.
But, hey, your old man's been known
to make a few funny noises in his time.
Did you know that? All right,
you guys, give me an animal.
Just give me any animal right off
the top of your head. Go ahead, shoot.
Hippopotamus.
Okay, all right, I'll try
to do a hippopotamus.
[JESSE CLEARS THROAT]
[IN DEEP VOICE] Hey, I'm a
big, fat, muddy hippopotamus.
BOTH [CHANTING]: We
want Joey. We want Joey.
We want Joey. We want Joey.
We want Joey. We want Joey.
[TWINS CHEERING]
Oh, Joey, thank goodness you're
here. We really could use your help.
Jesse's hippo is kind of lame-o.
I'll play with you guys later.
Well, it took a couple days, but I
see you got your sense of humor back.
Come on, Joey.
Roxy, she ambushed
us up there on that stage.
Right, Danny?
Well, I wouldn't say ambushed
so much as bushwhacked.
Come on, Danny.
Sorry, maybe I'll just
press my mute button.
You don't understand.
When a comic makes a joke about
you, it's the highest compliment.
Well, Joey, she really embarrassed
us, and we didn't think it was funny.
If you don't think she's funny, that's the
same thing as saying you don't like her.
Is that what you
guys are saying?
All right, fine. No, I get it.
Well, I don't know how
to tell you guys this...
but if you don't wanna be around
her, you're not gonna be around me.
Joey. Joey.
All right, maybe...
Maybe we were oversensitive
about a couple points.
Yeah, maybe Roxy shouldn't
have made fun of the girls.
I was talking about my hair.
Joey, if Roxy's important
to you, she's important to us.
You know what? Let's
give it another shot.
- What do you say we invite her for dinner?
- That's a good idea.
- You sure?
- Absolutely.
[IMITATING REN] Oh, Stimpy,
you couldn't make me happier...
if you spanked me
with a big, wet waffle.
Ah!
Well, this should be interesting.
Roxy's coming over for dinner.
- What the heck are we gonna make for her?
- Anything but...
[IMITATES REN] big, wet waffles.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
- Hey, what are you watching?
- Cartoons.
Oh, yeah, it is. You know,
everything looked so small...
I thought it was a
commercial for an ant farm.
Imagine having a big-screen TV.
You know, you could watch Tiny Toons
and everything wouldn't look so tiny.
- What are you doing?
- Just talking to my sister.
I know what you're up to.
You're trying to talk Michelle
into getting the big-screen TV.
So what if I am? You're
working on her day and night.
Yeah, right. Like I'm sitting there at 3
in the morning whispering in her ear:
"Karaoke machine,
karaoke machine."
That was you.
- Big-screen.
- Karaoke.
- Big-screen. Big-screen.
- Karaoke. Karaoke.
Dad, please, help!
- Help, please!
- What's the matter, honey?
Make the voices stop!
All right, D.J., Stephanie,
move away from your sister.
We're gonna settle
this once and for all.
I am taking you down to Big Sid's, and you
alone are gonna make the decision, okay?
D.J.: That's not
fair. You can't...
Without Siskel and Ebert
screaming in your ear.
Okay, quick, get in
the car. Go, go, go.
- But, Dad...
- Not another word.
Get in the car,
Michelle. I'm coming!
- Karaoke!
- Big-screen!
- Karaoke!
- Big-screen!
- Karaoke!
- Big-screen!
- Karaoke!
- Big-screen!
D.J., Stephanie, we're back!
- Did you get the big-screen?
- Karaoke?
Nope.
Well, Michelle finally found
something that she liked.
- That's it?
- Pretty cool, huh?
What were you thinking?
I decided this is
something we can all enjoy.
I'm sorry, girls. It was
Michelle's decision.
Personally, I lobbied
for the washer-dryer.
This way we could
always remember Little Sid.
Big Sid's kind of cute too.
- Hey. DANNY: Hey.
- What's Big Sid doing here?
- He lives here now.
Well, I guess we could
prop it up in the window...
and scare the heck
out of the Amway lady.
[CAR DOORS CLOSING]
Okay, that would
be Joey and Roxy.
Now, guys, we wanna
be really nice to her, okay?
- But, Dad, she insulted us.
- I know that.
Joey cares about her. We
gotta give her a second chance.
Let's just be good sports and show
her, somehow, that we really like her.
How do we do that?
Well, I guess a good way would
be to laugh at all of her jokes.
- What if they're not funny?
- Laugh anyway.
If we wanna keep
Joey in our lives...
we're gonna have to laugh
like we never laughed before.
[LAUGHING]
- What was that?
- I never laughed like that before.
Why are we doing
this? They don't like me.
Oh, no. They just don't
know you like I know you.
You gotta give
them another chance.
I just don't wanna bomb
with your family again.
Well, then, this time, don't
worry about being funny.
Just be open and honest, and
everything will work out just fine.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
Well, then again, I was sure that the
Chicken McLiver was gonna take off.
All right, my
famous fried chicken.
DANNY: That looks good for us.
- Everybody, look who's here.
- Hi.
JESSE: Hi.
- Hi, Roxy. Hope you like chicken.
Oh, I'm a big chicken person.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Big chicken person. You're
quick, young lady, you really are.
Well, I'm glad you guys
are still talking to me...
after what happened the other
night at the club. I forget sometimes...
that a joke can hurt as much as
slamming your finger in a car door.
Car door.
[IMITATES JOHNNY CARSON]
That is funny, funny stuff.
I think what Roxy's
trying to say...
is she would never say
anything to hurt anyone...
because she knows how it feels.
It's true. When I was a little girl,
people used to make fun of my voice.
Other kids used
to call me Squeaky.
Squeaky, I have to
remember that one.
What is wrong with you guys?
Nothing. We're just
laughing at Squeaky's jokes.
Roxy's not trying to tell jokes.
She's trying to be open
and honest with you.
I'm sorry. We thought
that you were being funny.
We were just trying to
show you that we like you.
By laughing at her?
You made it seem like the only
way to show Roxy that we like her...
was to laugh at her jokes.
Well, Joey, you told
me not to tell any jokes.
Roxy, I'm sorry, I...
When I told you not to be funny
and to be open and honest, I...
Well, I thought it would take the pressure
off of you so that you could be funny.
Joey, what's the big
deal about being funny?
Well, you guys know, when I
was a kid, I moved around a lot...
and that was my way
to get people to like me.
Joey, if you never did your
Bullwinkle or gargled your Kool-Aid...
or said another funny thing your
whole life, we would still love you.
- That's right, buddy.
D.J.: Yeah, Joey.
Well, thanks, guys.
Well, I haven't said a funny thing all
night. You guys must be crazy about me.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Tell you what, why don't we start over?
Roxy, these are the guys. Guys, Roxy.
- Roxy, nice to meet you.
REBECCA: Hey, Roxy.
Joey's told us absolutely
nothing about you.
- Great.
- Have some fried food.
Yeah.
- No making out at the dinner table.
- All right.
[ENGLISH SDH]