Full House (1987–1995): Season 7, Episode 11 - The Bicycle Thief - full transcript

When Michelle's bike is stolen, everyone sets out on a search to find it. Unfortunately, they recover three bikes, non of which are Michelle's. To make matters worse, the family realizes ...

[BOTH WHINNYING]

- What's all the racket going on in here?
- Look at our little buckaroos.

Butch, Sundance, you guys be
careful or you're gonna get saddle sores.

- Okay, Jesse.
- Okay, Jesse.

Jesse? Why Jesse? What
happened to "Daddy"?

- Since when are we on a first-name basis?
- Oh, Jess, don't take it personally.

It's just a phase kids go through when
they realize their parents have names.

- It's kind of cute, right, boys?
- Right, Becky.

Hey, that's Mommy.
Mom for short.

- I thought it was cute.
- It was cute when they did it to you.

Ride, cowboy.



BOYS: Yahoo!

Prepare to be amazed.
Arise, oh, 10 of hearts.

Not even close.

Well, you see, that's the
amazing part of the trick.

I changed the 10 of
hearts into the four of clubs.

Steph, you gotta
teach me that trick.

- Guys, somebody stole
my bike. ALL: What?

- Your bike got stolen?
- I'm on the case. Yes, officer.

Yes, it's pink and it has a
cute little basket on the front.

And it's got little frilly tassels
coming out of the handlebars.

No, it's not mine.
My daughter's.

Oh, okay. Thank you very much.

JOEY: What's going on with
the bike? DANNY: Nothing yet.

- We should offer a reward.
- How about a million dollars?



Sweetheart, a million
dollars is a lot for a bike.

Dad, it has a basket.

I think we better go look for it.
Steph, D.J., check the schoolyard.

- Got it.
- I'm gonna check the bike paths.

And I'll check all the video
arcades and all the fast-food joints.

Good idea. That's
where the kids hang out.

Well, I was going there anyway.

Come on, Michelle, you
can ride with me. Let's hit it.

Rest easy, everyone. Your neighborhood
Crime Catchers are on the case.

I believe you know Mrs.
Carruthers, our fearless leader.

- Hi.
- At ease, citizens.

Deputy Gibbler and I just picked
up a 614 on the police scanner.

For you civilians,
that's a bicycle theft.

Now, I'm going to need
a little bit of information.

Your name?

Gibbler, you know my name.

This'll be a whole lot
easier if you'll just cooperate.

Now, do you wear a hairpiece?

What does that have
to do with a stolen bike?

Nothing. I've just
always been curious.

Did you see anything suspicious when
you went out for the paper this morning?

No, nothing unusual, just... How'd you
know I went out for the paper this morning?

Part of my job. You know,
keeping an eye on the neighborhood.

Which includes watching
you stride to the curb...

wearing those
bun-hugging pajamas.

[CARRUTHERS SIGHS]

[JOEY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Well, it's nice to
know you're watching...

every move I make.

MICHELLE: Uncle Jesse,
why do people steal things?

JESSE: I don't know, munchkin,
but I know how you feel.

When I was young, I had
something very dear to me stolen.

MICHELLE: Your bike?
- No.

My comb, Mr. Part.

Oh, it was beautiful. Unbreakable
teeth, leather carrying case.

- I can't believe it.
- Yeah, I couldn't either.

But, you know, after a few years, I don't
know, you rebuild, really, your life...

No, no. Over there.
That kid has my bike.

JESSE: Let's nail him.

Hold it there, son. I wanna
talk to you about this bike.

Be careful, Uncle Jesse,
that's David Schultz.

- He's a big bully.
- Hey, look, it's Toothless Tanner.

You stole my bike.
You're dog food, mister.

What are you talking about?
This is my sister's. Mine's got a flat.

Look, why don't you just give us
the bike and we won't press charges?

Like I'm scared.

Hey, come on. What, do you
wanna end up in the slammer?

Give Michelle
back what's hers...

and we'll pretend this
thing never happened.

And I'll pretend
I give two hoots.

Davey, Davey, Davey.

I know what you're going for
here because I was just like you.

When I was a kid, I was always
trying to be the tough guy...

Is this story long
or just boring?

- Give me the bike.
- Dream on.

Now if you're finished wasting
my time, I have a trumpet lesson.

And don't even think
about messing with this lock.

It's solid steel.

I told you he was tough.

Yep, but not too bright.

Wow, thanks, Uncle Jesse.

[TRUMPET PLAYING BADLY]

Come on, let's
get out of here fast.

- Are we in trouble?
- No, it's that trumpet.

It's torture.

Hey, everybody, Uncle
Jesse got my bike back.

Well, it's no big deal. All I
did was outwit a 9-year-old.

It's not like he was
Jeopardy! material or any...

- What the heck is that?
- Michelle's bike. What the heck is that?

Hey, guys.

Guess who found Michelle's...

bike?

Seems to be the
question of the day.

- Wow, I've got three bikes.
- No, honey, not all of them are yours.

One of them is, but which one?

I like this one. It
looks brand-new.

Sweetheart, I didn't ask
which one you liked the best.

I asked you which one is yours.

Let's see. Mine has a
Kermit sticker on the basket.

Well, would you settle for a
Care Bear on the chain guard?

None of these bikes are
mine. Mine's still stolen.

And so are all these.

And we're the stealers.

We're all going to the slammer.

Daddy, if you have a stomachache,
could you stay home from the slammer?

Sweetheart, we are
not going to the slammer.

We're gonna return these
bikes to their rightful owners.

So everybody gets their bike
back except me? That's fair.

How am I supposed to return
this? I stole it off a kid named Davey.

All I know about him is I should
have stolen his trumpet too.

I found mine leaning against
the library. It was... Horrible thing.

A little girl goes in, checks out Curious
George, comes out, her bike's gone.

It could turn a kid
off to reading forever.

I grabbed mine off
the back of a pickup.

Oh, great, there's a card in it.

"Happy birthday, Lisa.
Love, Mom and Dad."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Joey, see who that is.
Check through the window.

It's that Crime
Catcher lady, Ms.

Carruthers. I'm getting
my buns out of here.

No, no, no, take the bikes.

- Get them out of here. Hurry.
- All right, okay.

Ten-four, out. Mr. Tanner, three
more bikes have been stolen.

We're gonna set up our
command post in your house.

No, no, no, that's a bad idea. We're
not zoned for a command post here.

Horsefeathers. This is the
center of the crime wave.

- I'm surprised you haven't seen anything.
- No, why would I have seen something?

Did somebody say they
saw me see something?

No. Because, for example, there's
nothing going on in my kitchen.

If there's anything
wrong, it shouldn't be.

- I have nothing to hide.
- Think she's suspicious?

Why would she be? All Danny's
doing is making a full confession.

Okay, well, don't panic. All we
have to do is just remain cool.

BECKY: Guys? GUYS: Ah!

Sorry.

I put the boys down for a nap,
I must have conked out myself.

Hey, what'd you guys
do, rip off a bike store?

Hey, hey, hey.

Shh! Shh! Shh! No.
I stole mine off a kid.

- And he stole his off a truck.
- Yeah.

What?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

KIMMY: Open up. It's Crime
Catchers. Official business.

It's Gibbler. Hide the bikes.

Listen, you saw nothing
and you heard nothing.

- I know nothing.
- That's my girl.

JOEY: Didn't we use to have a rule
around here, no bikes in the house?

Thank you, Mrs. Good-Hair.
All right, let's get set up.

You can't catch a criminal
without the right equipment.

Fax machine, cell phone, map
of crime sector, police scanner.

Kimmy, what is
this, the Batcave?

No, it's your basic Crime
Catchers mobile-headquarters kit.

Do you realize that four
bikes have been stolen?

Really? I would
have guessed three.

Hi, Becky.

Nicky, call me Mommy.

You didn't give me a
flower on Becky's Day.

I see bikes.

Did he just say, "I see bikes"?

"I see bikes"?
No, of course not.

He said, "I see bites."

Those mosquitoes are
just out of control, huh?

Well, I gotta get some
calamine lotion. Ta-ta.

Ma'am, you can't go in there!
Move them! Move them! Mo...

[SINGING] Move 'em
on up to the East Side

To a deluxe apartment in the sky

I miss The
Jeffersons, don't you?

How many Lionels were
there? Do you remember?

One mystery at a
time, Mr. Tanner.

Hey, how's that command
post coming, Deputy Gibbler?

We are cooking, chief.

[POLICE SCANNER BEEPING]

- Hey.
- Guys, guys, check this out.

- Three other pink bikes got swiped.
- That's why we're here, small fry.

What a comfort, Slim Jim.

Hey, Mr. Tanner, look at this.

Ruthie Bell went in to
get her first library card.

Some goon nabbed her bike. Says
here she's lost her zest for reading.

She's zestless?

Look at this guy who
took the Schultzes' bike.

- He looks exactly like Uncle...
- Uncle Seymour.

Yes, that looks exactly like
Uncle Seymour. But, you know...

And if he weren't a priest in Athens,
he would be a suspect. Yes, he would.

- Take these up to Uncle Seymour.
- Uncle who?

Just do it.

Where are they?

Oh, the fliers? Oh, you
know, you just missed them.

- All right, okay. How about this?
- All right.

We dismantle the bikes, we
put all the parts down our pants...

and we just walk right
past everyone downstairs.

Okay, that's not bad.
But here's a little twist.

We don't touch the bikes,
we don't touch our pants...

and you get over there and
shut up until Groundhog Day.

What are all these
bikes doing here?

- You're Uncle Seymour.
- I thought he was in Greece.

Let me see that.

Doesn't look anything like me.
The sideburns are totally unbalanced.

Well, I'm gonna pack.

- Where are you going?
- The slammer.

- These posters have addresses on them.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, they do.

This is perfect. We'll take all
the bikes back to these addresses.

We'll get everything back to
normal. Everybody, grab a bike.

- Okay.
- All right.

Wait. The Crime
Catchers are in the kitchen.

- We'll go out the front door.
- Okay.

- Let's go.
- Come on, move it.

- Hey, how come you don't have a bike?
- I'm carrying the fliers.

Move, move, move.

Okay, come on, let's
go. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

JESSE: Shh. JOEY: Okay, come on.

JESSE: Shh. JOEY: Okay, come on.

- So, Jess, you think we can pull this off?
- Absolutely.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Not. Joey, say "ah."
- Why?

- Perfect. Here you go. Back up. Go. Back.
- Back up, back up.

- Up, up, up, Steph.
- Go backwards.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

D.J.: Steph, let's move it. Come on.
- Go. Shh.

Yeah, what do you want?

Sir.

I'm Leonard Schultz,
Davey's father.

I'm looking for some guy
named Jesse, took my kid's bike.

He looks exactly like you.

Oh, no, no, this doesn't
look anything like me.

Look, look, sideburns, uneven.
Mine, totally even. See how that works?

- Sorry.
- Yeah, okay.

- That's all right.
- So who are you anyway?

I am... I'm Joey.

Well, Joey, I'm gonna sit right over here
and wait for this Jesse punk to show up.

There's a couple of things
I wanna impress upon him.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like my left fist and my right.

Hey.

Danny. Danny, Danny. Hi,
it's me, your old pal Joey.

Pardon moi?

Okay, let me explain. This is...
This here is Leonard Schultz.

He's Davey's father.

And for some wacky reason, he seems to
think that Jesse's stolen his kid's bike.

And Jesse's nowhere
to be found, thank God...

because Leonard here
has a bone to pick with him...

and we all know how
painful bone picking can be.

- Joey? JOEY & JESSE: Yeah?

[JOEY LAUGHS]

She was calling for
you, wasn't she, Joey?

Yes, she was, Danny.

Could I play? I wanna be D.J.

No, no. No time for playing now.
This is Leonard Schultz, Davey's father.

- Davey's father? JESSE: Mm-hm.

I gotta go.

- Wait, who's Davey?
- Somebody with a really big dad.

Okay, we gotta get Davey's bike back
before his dad smushes Uncle Jesse.

You should see this guy.

There'll be nothing left
but a puddle of mousse.

So how do we get
the bikes out of here?

I've got a plan.

Okay, but I'm not shoving
bike parts down my pants.

For the hundredth time,
I don't know anything.

- I don't believe you.
- It's the truth, I tell you.

You mean to tell me that
Joey's never mentioned me?

I mean, not even in
passing or maybe at lunch?

[BEEPING]

My scanner.

Hey, everybody.

Stephanie has a card trick
she wants to show you all.

I wish I could stay to see it.

Steph, this is not a good time.

Trust me, Dad, it is.

Okay, prepare to be amazed.

Kimmy, pick a card, memorize
it and put it back in the deck.

Five of clubs, five
of clubs, five of clubs.

STEPH: Okay.

Now watch me shuffle.

See me shuffling. Shuffle,
shuffle, the magic shuffle.

Now, notice that at no time
do my fingers leave my hands.

- Look at me shuffling.
- We don't have time for poppycock.

Nonsense, there's
always time for poppycock.

Why, just watch the
trick. It's an excellent trick.

- Steph, go, go, go.
- Okay, Kimmy.

- Is this your card?
- No.

Is this your card?

- No. STEPH: Is this your card?

[BANGING & CLANGING]

[CARRUTHERS GASPS]

Excellent trick! Excellent
trick! That was fabulous!

But she didn't
even find my card.

Hey, Mr. Tanner, look, I hope you weren't
too attached to that big ceramic planter.

Blondie, that was the
worst card trick I ever saw.

Okay, Kimmy, if you would
please check your pockets.

All I have here is some gum.

Thank you and good night.

Bravo. Bravo. Excellent trick.

So that's why I
retired from the ring.

Wow, you quit boxing
because it wasn't violent enough.

Yeah.

Fascinating story, huh, Joey?

Yeah, Danny, I'm
shaking with fascination.

Hey, would somebody tell me
what's going on with all the...?

- Ms. Donaldson.
- Leonard.

- Yeah.
- How do you two know each other?

Leonard's my butcher. You should
see what this guy can do with a cleaver.

So this is where you live.

I always wanted to meet your
husband. What was his name?

- Oh, J...
- Joey.

Yeah, that's right, Joey. Joey.

That's my husband.

This is my husband.

- I thought that was Danny.
- You didn't let me finish.

This is my husband's
best friend, Danny.

- And this is my husband, Joey?
- Right. Hug, hug.

See?

- I'm still Becky, right?
- Yeah, you are.

Jesse, Jesse.

Hey, that kid's
calling you Jesse.

No, it's just a crazy little
phase he's going through.

It's nutty. You know, last week,
he was calling everyone Frankie.

Now, young man, you
know my name isn't Jesse.

Jesse, I love you.

Leonard, I'm not gonna
lie in front of my kid.

- I'm Jesse.
- Not for long.

- Oh, no, no, Leonard, Leonard! Leonard!
- Put him down, put him down.

- Hey, what's going on in here?
- This guy stole my kid's bike.

No, no, no, this whole thing is a big
misunderstanding. The bikes are upstairs.

LEONARD: Oh.

- Why didn't you say so?
- Because I couldn't breathe.

Jess...

the bikes aren't upstairs.

- Going up.
- Leonard!

No, no, no!

I meant, right now, they're being returned
to their rightful owners right now.

Oh, D.J., Steve, this is Leonard
Schultz. He is looking for his kid's bike.

Bike?

D.J., do you know
anything about a bike?

I used to have a bike.

Liftoff.

DANNY: Buddy, put him down.
BECKY: Please, Leonard, Leonard.

People, attention,
the bikes are back.

- Oh, thank God.
- It just came in on the scanner.

The bikes have been
returned to their owners.

- See, Leonard? No harm done.
- Yeah, just a few ribs broken.

- Sorry, buddy.
- Yeah, yeah, that's okay, Leonard.

- Yeah.
- Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Leonard, Leonard, the hair. I
know it's not your thing, but...

Let's mark this "case closed."

BECKY: Yes, please.
DANNY: All right.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute! The case isn't closed.

- My bike's still stolen.
DEREK: No, it isn't.

STEPH: What?
JESSE: Another bike?

- Like we need another
bike. BECKY: I don't get it.

MICHELLE: My Kermit sticker.

This is my bike.

You left it at my house
last week, remember?

It was raining cats and dogs.
Mother gave you a ride home.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

My bike's been at your
house the whole time.

Isn't that funny?

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

[GROANS]

Oh, yeah, funny
is the word for it.

Since we caused
everybody so much trouble...

I'm taking everyone
out for frozen yogurt.

D.J.: All right. STEPH: Cool.

With sprinkles?

- You got it, big guy.
- Yeah.

- All right, let's go.
- Cool.

Hey, Deej. Deej, would you take
Nicky? I gotta run upstairs and get Alex.

- Joey?
- Hey.

Now that this is all over, I
think you should be debriefed.

[LAUGHING]

You know, I really d... I
don't like the sound of that.

I'll just be...

Crazy day, huh, Michelle?

Yeah. I'm sorry I made
everybody look for my bike.

That's okay, sweetheart.
We did it because we love you.

Next time, I'll try to
remember where I put my stuff.

Very good.

Now, come on, let's
go get some ice cream.

Hey, where's my jacket?

It was right there.

Somebody stole it.

Michelle...

Oh. Never mind.

[ENGLISH SDH]