Full House (1987–1995): Season 6, Episode 9 - Nice Guys Finish First - full transcript

Stonewall Binkley, an old rival of Joey's, humiliates him on his and Jesse's radio program, and challenges him to an upcoming hockey game; Joey's hesitant at first but ultimately decides to have his revenge on Stonewall.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Steph, where's my sweater?

Good morning to you too.

I want my pink sweater.

What pink sweater?

The one you're in love with.

The one you've always wanted.

The one I heard you
talking to Michelle about.

The one that's not in my closet.

Oh. That pink sweater.

Sorry. Haven't seen it.



Excuse me.

Do you think this color
looks good on me?

I think someone
owes me an apology.

I think somebody
owes me a sweater.

I think someone
better get out of here.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪



♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Well, Dad... thanks for another

stimulating driving lesson.

Around the block
for the zillionth time.

Now, now, Deej, you are
becoming quite the motorist, honey.

You really are. You...
You use your mirrors well.

Your parallel
parking is very good.

And you always
remember to signal.

So I'm ready for the freeway?

No! No, no, no.

No way, honey.
You, uh... You, uh...

You haven't mastered U-turns.

And, uh, your yields are shaky.

I-I'm still not happy
with the way you defrost.

I don't believe you.
I'm asking Daddy.

Asking Daddy what?

Michelle, go ahead.

But I told you.

There is no such thing

as a Norwegian goat boy.

A Norwegian goat boy?

See? The boy with the
horns eating the tin can?

Steph...

I told you to stop
wasting your allowance

on junk like... Whoa,
are those udders?

Is the Norwegian goat boy
going to come to our house?

Of course not, honey.

If any goat boy is
coming to our house,

It's gonna be the San
Francisco goat boy.

Oh, no! I'm out of here!

Michelle, I was just kidding.

There's no such
thing as a goat boy.

Michelle? All right, boys.

[BABBLES] Okay,
yeah. This is it.

The moment we've
all been waiting for.

They're potty-trained?

I wish.

Okay.

No, it's time for Jesse
and Joey's radio show...

the Rush Hour Renegades!

JESSE [OVER RADIO]: Congrats,
Bob. You've won 2 pounds of ice.

Premium ice. Who is that?

Who's that?

[GASPS] Daddy.

Daddy! Daddy.

[SHRIEKS]

Yeah!

You know, I bet our, uh,
listeners are wondering

why the heck are
we giving away ice.

Because we ran out
of pocket protectors.

Oh, no. You'd think that.

Ha-ha. You'd think that.

No, it's actually our way

of reminding everyone
that I'll be playing

in the Bay City Charity
Foundation Hockey Game

this Saturday [DEEP
VOICE] at Iceoplex.

[CHEERING]

Yes, and I, Jesse Katsopolis,
will be announcing the game

right here on KFLH.

[BOOING]

You know, uh, Jess,

no offense, but it
is kind of traditional

for hockey announcers
to know something

about the game of ice
hockey. Come on, Joe.

What's to know?

Bunch of toothless
guys hitting a round thing

into a net thing.

Piece of cake.

Well, at least you got
the technical terms down.

Think you got
that going for you.

Which is a plus.
Which is nice. Oh, yeah.

Oh, here's our guest right now.

Ah, come on in. This
is one of our sponsors.

Uh, this is Hershel Binkley
of Giant Binkley Used Cars,

"Where credit's never a problem,

as long as you have
hard cash." All right.

Good to see you. Hi, fellas.

Uh, I should also point out
that, uh, Hershel is the goalie

for the team I'm playing
against on Saturday.

That's right. Joey, it's great
to see you again, my friend.

You don't remember me, do you?

Let's see. Are you the guy
who sold me the '74 Gremlin

with the burrito in the
glove compartment?

[LAUGHS] That's a good one.

Maybe this'll bring
something back for you.

Stonewall!

That's right.

College, state championship.

One minute to play,

your team's down a goal.

You get the puck, coming alone.

You fake left, you shoot right.

What happened then, Gladstone?

Yeah. What happened then?

Go ahead, tell him.

[SCOFFS]

There's nothing to tell. It...
It happened a long time ago.

What happened was,
I stopped your shot.

We won the championship,
and you lost it.

I was a hero. You were a bum.

[LAUGHS] I gotta tell you,

I am looking forward
to humiliating you

all over again.

Uh, heh-heh-heh.
Hold it, Stone Head.

Stonewall. Whatever.

Listen, you don't
just waltz in here

and make fun of my pal here.

This guy do all your
talking, Gladstone?

No, I don't do all his
talking for him. Do I, Joey?

Uh, maybe a word
here and there, yes.

Gladstone, you have
always been pathetic.

You think he was
pathetic back then?

You ought to see my
boy now. [CHUCKLES]

Jess, you're not helping.

Look, it's... It's
just a charity game.

Let's just go out
there and have fun.

Well, if your idea
of fun is losing,

you're gonna have a great time.

Because, Gladstone,
you're a loser.

Oh, yeah? And you're a jerk.

You've got split ends.
Now, that's where...

Jess, Jess. Let him go.

[♪♪♪]

Dad, you're being so unfair.

Kimmy's dad took
her out on the freeway.

And he brought her back?

Danny, she'll be fine.
Just avoid rush hour.

Ah, you're right.

Okay, Deej, set
your alarm for 3 a.m.

Great. I'll have the
whole road to myself.

We'll finally see what
that Taurus can do.

Deej, first... L-let's discuss
what the Taurus cannot do.

Michelle, trust me. It's okay.

Check near the garbage.

See if the goat boy's there.

Sweetheart. Michelle.

Come here. We talked about this.

I told you, there
is no goat boy.

It's just a person in a costume.

It's like on Halloween.

You mean he's coming
here to trick or treat?

Dad, let me take
a crack at this.

Michelle, the goat boy
can never get out of Norway

because goats
can't ride on planes.

Why not?

Well...

they can never get
through the metal detector

after eating all those tin cans.

Oh.

Why didn't you tell me
that in the first place?

All right, when you
get out on that ice,

you gotta destroy that punk.

Jess, I've been
thinking about it.

I'm not even gonna
play the game.

What? Uh, you guys
should have heard it.

This guy comes
down to the station,

dumps all over Joey
about this hockey game,

and Joey sits
there and takes it.

Yeah, I know. I heard.

Everyone has their own
way of handling things.

And Joey's not the
confrontational type.

Let's respect that.

Like last night when
we were out to dinner,

and you got that
bug in your salad,

you didn't make a big fuss.

You just went on eating.

Bug? I thought it
was a bacon bit.

It just kills me that you won't

stand up to this Stonewall guy.

Stonewall?

That goalie from college
who totally humili...?

So you saw old Stonewall?

Look. Let's just
forget about it, okay?

It was a meaningless game
that happened 15 years ago.

Bread, Joey?

I'm not hungry, Steph.

Come on, Joey. Don't
you want another chance

to get out there and
score the winning goal

against that loudmouth?

Yeah, of course I would.

So do it. What's your problem?

Look, I'm not
playing in this game.

This whole thing is turning
into one big grudge match.

[SCOFFS] I don't get you, man.

If I were you, I'd wipe
the ice with that guy.

Okay, I'll admit it.

I don't wanna
face Binkley again.

When I was in college,
he embarrassed me

in front of all my
friends and my family.

And, uh... I don't need
to go through that again.

Well, you shouldn't have to.

Come on, Jess. If he doesn't
wanna play, it's his choice.

You're right. I'm sorry, pal.

DANNY: I got an idea.

Why don't we just go to
the ice-skating rink tomorrow

and just... Just skate for
the fun of it, like we used to?

Yeah. That's a really good idea.

Okay? What do you say, Joey?

I say fine.

Why don't you, uh... Why
not pass me the bread?

And, uh, casserole
and salad, please.

Let's go. Thank you.

Keep it coming.

[♪♪♪]

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

It's okay.

Come on.

Hi.

Uncle Jesse, come
on. Yeah, get out here.

Come on. You're missing the fun.

It's so easy.

Just don't let go.

It's okay, guys. I'm just...
Just warming up a bit.

Go ahead. Go have
fun. Go, go, go, go.

All right. Don't worry about me.

See you later.

Come on, Michelle.
Come on. Don't be scared.

Got her, Steph? Yeah.

Okay, now... try to
do what I do, okay?

What the... heck are you doing?

[LAUGHING]

Hey.

How's it going? Oh, fine.

I'm just warming up a little.

So? I feel like an idiot.

Why, 'cause you're dressed
for Hoodlums on Ice?

No, 'cause I haven't
done this since I was a kid.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

It's been a long
time for me too.

Hope I'm not rusty out there.

See you in a little bit.

And here we go! Ooh.

Oh, man.

Real rusty, twinkle toes.

Yeah, I know.

Hardly got any height
on the double axel.

JOEY: Hey, guys.

Okay, everybody, it's
time for Crack the Whip.

Crack the what?

STEPHANIE: You're
not scared, are you?

[TIMIDLY] Scared?

JOEY: Come on, let's go.

All right. Let's go.

Hold hands, everybody.
Cracking the whip.

Okay. Let's go.

[GIRLS LAUGHING] Okay.

[GIRLS SHRIEKING, LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS]

Isn't this fun, Jess?!

Jess?

Where are the brakes
on these things?

Ow.

I think we might've put
a little too much crack

in that whip.

Let's go, you guys.

Just tell me one thing.

My hair messed up?

No. But the rest of
you is kind of bent.

STONEWALL: Hey, Gladstone.

How's America's
worst hockey player?

I heard you dropped out
of the game. Smart move.

You know, you should've
tried that 15 years ago.

You might've saved yourself
some embarrassment.

All right, that's it.

That's it.

If I could get up,
you'd be in big trouble.

Hey, Binkley, is your
life so pathetic and empty

that you have to
live in the past?

Well... yeah.

That's why I was looking forward
to humiliating Gladstone again.

I could live off that
for another 15 years.

Okay, I've had it. This has been

eating me up
inside for too long.

Binkley, Saturday
afternoon, this is you.

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

This is great. I can't believe

you're actually letting me

drive to the game
on the freeway.

And I have total confidence
in you, sweetheart.

But first, let's just discuss
the different lanes once more.

Dad... Oh, come
on. It'll be fun.

Now, what do you
call far left lane?

The entirely-too-fast lane.

Good. Now, see?

This isn't so difficult.
What's the middle lane?

The still-much-too-fast lane.

Excellent.

And now...

what do we call
the far-right lane?

The geeks and nerds lane?

If you want, we can go back out
and just drive around the block.

Hey, I'm a geek, I'm a
nerd. Give me the keys.

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi, Steve. Hey.

Hey, Steve, you
know, we gotta go.

Could you excuse us?

The refrigerator's right where

you left it this morning.

Uh, actually, Mr. Tanner,

I know you're finally letting
D.J. drive on the freeway,

and I wanted to be
there for her first merge.

Isn't he romantic?

Hey. No merging in my kitchen.

Steve, if you want, you could
just run alongside the car.

Would you mind doing that?

"When a minor penalty...

"assessed to a
goaltender... be..." Guys!

Guys, I'm trying to
study the rules of hockey.

I have to announce the game.

You want your old
man to look like an idiot?

[BABBLING]

I guess you do. I guess you do.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Okay, Kimmy. Feed
the boys around 3,

and we should be home about 5.

Any questions?

Yes. My usual rate
is 5 bucks an hour.

But you have twins.

So shouldn't I get 10?

Okay, Kimmy, I'll give you 10,

but you pay for your own food.

Five works for me.

Listen, guys, you
keep an eye on her.

If she gets near
my hair care center,

bite her ankles.

Hey, half-pints.

Hey, half-wit.

So, kid... still hiding
from the goat boy?

There's no such
thing as goat boys,

if you want to know.

Okay. But check this out.

"Half-man, half-dog.
The Muttman."

No!

He chases cars and
drives away in them?

What if he drives to our house?

Steph, give me that. [SIGHS]

Michelle, there's no such
thing as a half-man, half-dog.

Grrr! I am psyched
for this game.

I'm gonna rip off
Binkley's head,

chew him up and spit him out.

[GROWLING]

Ahh! Muttman!

Michelle!

[MUFFLED] What did I say?

Michelle!

Hey, Comet, have
you seen Michelle?

Okay, I'm right behind you.

Michelle, I'm not the Muttman.

Yes, you are. I see your paws.

Michelle, that's Comet.

Comet, can we be alone, please?

There's a Lassie rerun on.

[BARKS]

[SIGHS]

Michelle... I'm not a dog.

Can you please come out?

Okay.

But how come you were growling

and saying mean things?

Well, Michelle, that's a
big part of playing sports.

It's called being competitive.

You see, you just pretend
that you're mean and scary

so the players on other
team will be afraid of you.

Well, you're doing a good job,

because I'm afraid.

I like it better
when you're nice.

I like it better
when I'm nice too.

I promise I won't be
mean and scary ever again.

Really?

Absolutely.

Come here.

Attagirl.

Hey, you know me.
I'd never hurt a fly.

[AS KERMIT THE FROG] You
know, your old buddy Kermit the Frog.

I'd never hurt a fly. I might
eat one now and then,

but I'd never hurt one.

So, what do you say?
Let's hop to it, Miss Piggy.

[AS MISS PIGGY] Okay,
Kermie. You're my hero.

That's a really good Piggy.

Yeah. Ahem. Whoops.

I got a frog in my throat.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yeah! Yeah!

[BOTH CHEERING]

All right, here we are in
the second, uh, quarter...

period or...

Third... It's, uh, some
hunk of the game, and...

But I do know
the score is, um...

Four-four. The
score's 4-4 here today,

and the big guys are
out there hitting the...

Hitting the sticks around.

They're smacking
the... The, uh...

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Puck. They're hitting
the puck around.

And it's... It's
really fantastic.

I... I wish you guys were
down here, because, uh...

maybe you could explain
it to me, because I...

Oof!

JESSE: Oh! Did you see that?

Binkley pushed down Gladstone.

Binkley's gonna get it now.

Gladstone's gonna
give it to him any second.

Well... maybe not.

I-it... It looked like Gladstone
was gonna give it to Binkley.

I wonder if fighting
is allowed in hockey.

Hey, Jess, do you need any
help with the play-by-play?

From you? [WHISTLE BLOWS]

You don't even know
what color the blue line is.

I do too.

It's blue, right?

Okay, Burkhart
clears it to the center.

Where it's picked
up by Abramowitz,

who's poke-checked by Guyliss,

who takes the
puck the other way.

Aren't you glad I grew up with
five hockey-crazed brothers?

He breaks away from
the defenseman, shoots.

It's saved by Binkley,

who quickly slides the
puck into the corner.

My wife.

Where have you been?

On the side of the road,
talking to the highway patrol.

You got a speeding ticket
your first time on the freeway?

Cool!

Not that cool.

I got a ticket for
driving too slow.

I was clocked doing 23 in a 55.

Hey, that cop was way off.

You were doing at least 32.

Hey, that's right, 'cause...

you started hyperventilating

as soon as she hit 30.

I wonder how Joey's doing.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

JESSE: I don't know
much about hockey,

but I sure know
Joey ain't playing it.

[BUZZER RINGS]

Someone pull a fire alarm again?

No, that's the end
of the second period,

and the score is 4 to 4.

That's a tie.

How's it going, Joey?

Michelle, haven't you
been watching the game?

I'm not playing very well.

I know. I didn't
want to mention it.

Well, you remember
we agreed that it's wrong

to play like a meanie?

Yeah.

It's also wrong to
play like a weenie.

Michelle... hockey's
like anything else.

You play your best
when you find something

in the middle of being
a meanie and a weenie.

So would it be okay if I
played like an in-betweenie?

Call it whatever you
want, but just play better.

Okay, pal. This one's for you.

All right.

For good luck, right?

Okay. I'll get him.

BECKY: Well, this third
period's almost over,

and the score is still 4 to 4.

But the big news is
something amazing

has happened to Joey Gladstone.

You are correct, Becky.

What...? What amazing
has happened to him?

Well, Jess, he's
stickhandling beautifully.

Right. Making crisp
passes, hard, clean checks.

Yes. I thought so.

Whoa! Look at that!

Gladstone skates
past the defenseman,

and he's in the clear.

There's five seconds left.

He's got a breakaway!

It's just Gladstone and Binkley!

Oof!

Joey's pulled down,

and the shot is
saved by Stonewall.

Way to go, Gladstone.
[BUZZER RINGS]

JESSE: I know what that means.
That means the game is over.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it ends in a 4-4 tie.

No, it doesn't! It doesn't.

Even though we're out of time,

because Joey was pulled
down on a breakaway,

they're giving
him a penalty shot.

Aha! I knew that, folks.

Gladstone gets to go one-on-one

against the goaltender...

Hershel Binkley.
[CROWD CHEERING]

Come on, Joey. Come on, Joey.

Come on. Come on.

All right, Joey. Joey.

DANNY: Come on,
Joey! D.J.: Come on!

[ALL CHEERING, SHOUTING]

[♪♪♪]

Go get him, Joey.

BECKY: This shot
is for all the marbles.

If Gladstone scores,
his team wins.

It all comes down to this.

This... is what it
all comes down to.

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD CHEERING]

BECKY: He scores!

Do you believe in
miracles? [BUZZER RINGS]

[BOTH CHEERING]

Yeah!

[CHEERING]

Yes! Yes! Yeah!

Whoo! Yeah!

DANNY: Joey!

All right!

Hey! Whoa! Whoa!

That's fine. Let's go.

Joey! Joey!

Come on, sweetie.
Come on, girls.

All right, Joey! Aah!

Whoo! Yeah!

[ALL CHEERING] Yeah!

All right! All right!

Woo!

I did it! I did it! Yeah!

Yeah! Yay!

[CHEERING]

Yeah! All right!

I did it, Michelle! I did it!

Yeah!

Woo!

Yeah! Yeah!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪