Full House (1987–1995): Season 6, Episode 4 - Radio Days - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Michelle, you
sit with Nicky and Alex,

I'm gonna get them some cookies.

Ooh, can I have one?

You already had dessert.

Just checking.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, let's play
your favorite game.

Where's your tongue?

[MUMBLING] I'm talking
about this thing in your mouth.

[LAUGHING]



Where's your nose?

Well, at least
one of you got it.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪



♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

You need any help?

I'm good at homework.

Sorry, Michelle, I'm
writing a short story.

You can't write,
so you can't help.

I can write I's and T's.

Great story:
"It, it, it, it, it."

Nobody ever let's me help.

Okay, everybody.

Listen to my
literary masterpiece.

The Potato Bug by
Stephanie Tanner.

"The potato bug
was sitting on a leaf,

"just hanging out.

"Sitting, sitting, sitting.

Hanging, hanging, hanging."

I liked It, it, it better.

She's right.

This bites.

Aw, no, no, honey.
You know what it is?

I have a need to know
more about this potato bug.

What are his hobbies?
What's his favorite color?

What sort of fabric
softener does he use?

Well, Steph, maybe you should
write about what you do know,

the people and the
things around you.

I can't believe you gave
Kathy Santoni a ride home.

Hey, she was loaded
down with books.

Yeah, and six pounds of make-up.

Ding. End of Round 6.

So far I've got this
fight scored even.

Kathy is such a bimbo.

She signed up for shop class

because she thought it
was taught at the mall.

Hmm... The Young
and the Jealous.

So... what's for supper, Pops?

A home-cooked meal.

So go home and start cookin'.

Hey, everybody,
I've got good news.

I'm gonna be on
KFLH radio tonight.

Julie Hartman's interviewing me

about the benefit
concert I'm doing.

That's great! Wonderful.

Wait, there's more good news.

Nicky's diaper rash has been
downgraded to diaper irritation.

Wonderful. Oh,
that is really good.

All right, you know
what, you guys?

Mommy has a very
big surprise for you.

Look at this...

apple juice with doofy straws.

Duh.

Doofy straws?

Yeah, kids love these things.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Hey, doofy straws.

I love these things.

Yeah, what a surprise.

Let go. They're for the kids.

You know, Jess,
the buzz around town

is that KFLH is looking for
a new afternoon disc jockey.

Oh, I know. That'd
be a perfect job for me.

I'm not touring right now,
my record's off the charts,

Since I was a kid, I
dreamed about being a DJ.

It could happen. Julie Hartman
is also the program director.

Perfect. I'll go in there,

and I'll dazzle her
with snappy banter,

impress her with my
natural radio voice.

By the time that
interview's over,

she'll be begging
me to work there.

Yeah, Jess, now
if you can just get

a little bit of self-confidence.

Oh, Joey, don't.
You'll spoil your dinner.

We're having spaghetti.

You better put
on your red shirt.

No, I gotta pass on dinner.

I got a big meeting
down at the station.

Mr. Strowbridge
is trying to stick me

with a co-host for
The Ranger Joe Show.

Yeah, I remember when
they stuck me with a co-host.

A-and it worked out great.

I don't see why I need one.
My ratings are through the roof.

I'm starting to beat those
Joanie Loves Chachi reruns.

Boys, how you doing
with those drinks?

[SLURPING]

[SLURPING]

BOTH: Refills.

D.J.: Do you think Kathy
Santoni's hair is bouncier than mine?

I told you, Kathy Santoni
means nothing to me.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Let's get back to
the Taft-Hartley Act.

The Young and the Jealous

just became The
Dull and the Boring.

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING] Stop
hitting yourself.

Uh, excuse me, excuse me,

please, don't touch
my woodchuck.

Oh, Ranger Joe,

I'm Jungle Jenny,
your new co-host.

Well, I hope you don't mind,

I hung up some vines
to spruce up the jungle.

Vines?

Uh, Ranger Joe lives
in a forest, not a jungle.

There are trees,
and there are leaves.

What's the diff?

Actually, there's
a world of diff.

Ooh, well, aren't we wound
tighter than an Amish quilt?

What's say let's get crazy and
take the kids on a rhino hunt?

We would never hunt rhino.

We'd invite them on a picnic.

Think about it. That rhino
hunt would be a panic.

But you gotta be careful.

Have you ever
backed into a rhino?

Whoo! Ho-ho.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Gladstone, I see you
met your new co-host.

Mr. Strowbridge, sir,

there is no way I can
work with that woman.

She's totally whacked-out
and obnoxious.

She's my wife.

She's... just what
the show needs, sir.

This is Drive-All-Night Julie.

You just heard
20 songs in a row.

It's not gonna kill you to
hear a few commercials.

ANNOUNCER [ON RADIO]: 95.6.

♪ Rock radio ♪

[MOUTHS WITH RADIO] Uh-huh.

Hey, Jess.

Joey, what are you doing here?

Well, I had a quick meeting,
so I thought I'd come here

and watch you
make radio history.

Thanks, buddy. How'd
you like your new co-host?

How'd you like
your last root canal?

Oh, okay.

This is it. Showtime,
man. Wish me luck.

I would die to be a DJ
in this place, you know?

Go get 'em, buddy.
All right. Thanks.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, Drive-All-Night
Julie. Yeah, that's right.

Have a seat, we're
gonna go in one second.

Okay. All right.

All right. All
right, we're back,

and with me is Jesse Katsopolis
of Jesse and the Rippers.

Thanks for stopping by.

My pleasure.
Thanks for having me.

This is... This is really
cool. I mean, I love it.

I love the radio, you know.

Especially 95.6, ♪ Rock radio ♪

Uh-huh!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah, I see you brought
your fan club with you.

Oh, yeah, that's my pal
Joey. He's really a funny guy.

Oh, yeah? Let's bring him on in.

Come on, Joey. She won't bite.

Hi.

Hey, how you doing? Have a seat.

Welcome to KFLH.

Hello, San Francisco.

[CHUCKLES] Joey.

That was good. Thanks.

Hey, Joey plays Ranger
Joe on The Ranger Joe Show.

You may have seen it,
it's on in the afternoons.

Sorry. I'm usually watching
Joanie Loves Chachi.

So anyway, Jesse, why
don't you tell us about

the Feed-the-Hungry Benefit
at the civic center this Saturday?

Yeah, it's a really great cause.

It's me and the Rippers
and a bunch of great bands.

So come down.
Starts at 8:00. Great.

I heard you and the Rippers
put on a really good show.

Is that true, Joey?

Uh, sure, as long as it
doesn't mess up his hair.

[JOEY & JULIE CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

Thanks, Joey.

I gotta tell all you
folks out there,

Jesse does have
a great head of hair.

Oh, well, thanks very much.

I combed it once in fifth grade,

and it's been
perfect ever since.

Yes, nature's been kind.

Heh-heh. Nature?

Hey, this guy uses
so much hair spray,

there's a giant hole in the
ozone right above his head.

[LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah. Well...

I-I, uh... I do use
a tad hairspray,

but let me tell you something,
it is environmentally safe.

Safe and strong.

Once during a tornado,

I used it to spray down
the patio umbrella.

[JOEY & JULIE LAUGHING]

So, Jesse, who are
your musical influences?

Well, that's a good question.

I'd have to say that, um, Elvis
Presley did influence me a bit.

A bit? Come on, admit
it. You're obsessed.

You spent more time
voting for the Elvis stamp

than you did the
last three presidents.

[LAUGHING]

I'm not obsessed.

Tell 'em about your
Elvis underwear.

JULIE: Come on, tell us.

All right. I just have
one pair that says...

"Love me tender" on the back.

[LAUGHS]

All right. Well, we've been
talking to Jesse Katsopolis

and Joey Gladstone,
and we'll be right back.

That was a great spot,
you guys. Very funny.

Hang in here a
minute, would you?

Okay. Yeah.

Man, that was a blast.

[DRUMMING FINGERS]

What? What do you mean "what"?

You made me look like an
idiot in front of millions of people.

Oh, come on. It was
probably only thousands.

I can't believe you.

Making cracks about
my hair, my underwear.

You blew the one
shot I had at this job.

I don't believe this. Settle
down, Mr. Cranky Pants.

I was just having
a little bit of fun.

It's like your hair's
your whole life.

At least cartoons
aren't my whole life.

If you can call that a life.

All right, fine.

That's it. I'm out of here.

Bye, Bullwinkle Brain.

Bye, Dippity-Doo Head.

Bullwinkle Brain.
Dippity-Doo Head.

Bullwinkle Brain! Jesse?

Bullwinkle... Oh,
hi, Drive-All-Night.

You know what? Everybody
loved that segment.

The phone lines are going crazy.

We've been looking for
someone to fill in the afternoon slot.

Really? I didn't know that.

Mm-hm. So are you interested?

Yeah, this should be
perfect. Great. You know,

I'll program my own music,
maybe play some live stuff.

Monday, I'll be right
here in this chair.

Fine,

as long as Joey
is right next to you.

[♪♪♪]

[MOUTHS] Joey?

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Jojo. Joje. My man.

How you doing, buddy?

Uh, listen, I think
it's time that, uh,

that maybe you and I sit down

and have a nice talk
like mature adults.

Uh, but first, I found
this laying around.

Huh, what do you think of that?

Double fudge sundae,

whipped cream, Froot Loops.

And see that little thing
on top? See that red thing?

That's a cherry, pal.

Yeah. Real cute, Jess.

I'm supposed to just forgive
you for all the mean stuff you said

just because you
brought me ice cream?

In case you can't see
the height difference,

I'm not Michelle.

Did you say "Froot Loops"?

Yeah. Took out the yellow ones.

I know you hate the
yellow ones. Huh? Eh?

Huh?

Okay. You're forgiven.

Ha-ha!

All right. Pals again.

Pals. Buddies again. All right.

Oh, you know what?

This just came to my mind.

KFLH wants us to team up
and do an afternoon radio show,

and I told them
yes. Thanks, pal.

Ah-ha!

Ah-ha!

What? What?

Ah-ha!

What? What is this?

Why are we doing this?

You're just being nice
because you need me now.

Come on, this would be a
great job for the both of us.

There's no way I can work

with someone who
can't even take a joke.

There's nothing
funny about my hair.

No, but there is
something darn funny

about the big mousse
stain you leave on the couch.

You know, I ain't
doing the show with you.

No, that's where you're wrong,
I ain't doing the show with you.

Excuse me.

Yes, Michelle.

If you guys are
arguing, I could help.

I don't think so, Michelle.

Don't worry. I'm a good helper.

Now, you stand here
and you stand here.

When I count to
three, say you're sorry.

One... two... three...

four, five, six...
Okay. Skip the sorry.

Just hug.

Forget it, Michelle. I ain't
hugging a Bullwinkle Brain.

Dippity-Doo Head.

Bullwinkle Brain.
Dippity-Doo Head.

Bullwinkle Brain.

Why do I even bother?

D.J.: Steve, get away
from the cupboard.

We have to get
in there and study.

STEVE: I just need a
little snack to tide me over.

D.J.: All right. Come on.

Okay, I'm all set. Got all the
basic food groups covered.

Salt, fat, sugar
and nacho cheese.

Okay. Chapter two.

Hey, what's this?

"Dearest D.J.,

"I'll never forget our
kiss in the lunchroom

"on Macaroni Day.

Love, Henry"?

Who's Henry?

I don't know a Henry.

Well, then why'd you
kiss him on Macaroni Day?

I didn't kiss him
on Macaroni Day

or Fish Stick Day or any day.

Yeah, right.

Where's my jacket?
I'm outta here.

Steve, wait.

I did not kiss him.

Steve.

This is pure gold.

Hey, Steph, how's
your story coming?

It's really heating up.

"Just when their love
affair seemed peachy,

"Cleve found a
secret note of P.J.'s.

"It was from Henry,

"her Macaroni Day lover.

Fireworks came shooting
out of Cleve's ears and nose."

How's it sound?

Like Cleve needs a Kleenex.

[LAUGHING] No. No, I'm kidding.

Honey, it's wonderful.
Very creative.

Thanks. I guess I'm just gifted.

Well, let's see how gifted you
are at emptying the dishwasher.

It's your turn.

Thank you.

Steve, somebody wrote
that note to get me in trouble.

I'll tell you who's in trouble.

Your macaroni man, Henry.

Steve, I told you... Whoa,
whoa, whoa. Excuse me.

Did you say
"macaroni man Henry?"

You know what you guys?

You might want to take a
look at Steph's latest story.

This is incredible.
I don't believe this.

Yeah. The same
thing happened to us.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, boys and girls,
we have a new friend

with us today in the
enchanted forest.

Let's give a big
"howdy-ho" to Jungle Jenny.

Howdy-ho! Howdy-ho! Howdy-ho!

Hey, Ranger boy,

would you like a sniff of
my sweet-smelling flower?

Oh, okay.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

What? What? Come
on. What's on my nose?

What's on your nose?

A lobster. Ow.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Cleve and P.J.'s
romance was on the rocks.

Steve, this jealousy is
gonna destroy us both.

I know.

This Macaroni Day
incident has made me realize

that we can't go on like this.

Let's get married.

How 'bout tomorrow?
It's a half-day of school.

BOTH: Awww.

Dad, we have to talk.

That's what dads are for.

Well, this dad better sit down.

Here. Bite on this.

Mr. Tanner, sir... Dad...

I wanna marry your daughter.

What? You've only
known each other

for three months.

What took you so long, Son?

DANNY: Aw.

Come here, sweetheart. Ohh.

ALL: Aww.

Dad, you can't be serious.

Why not? It would
work out great.

They could live
right here with us.

They could take your room,

a-and Michelle could
take D.J.'s room.

Where am I gonna sleep?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about you.

Oh, I-I could put a bath
mat in the laundry room.

That's where Comet sleeps.

Oh, honey, that'd be great.

You could keep each other warm.

Dad, you can't do this to me.

Why not?

It would make a great
ending to your story.

My story?

You... read my story?

So, uh, what'd you think?

We think you did a
pretty rotten thing.

Steph, you can't
disrupt people's lives

just to make your
story more interesting.

I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

I'm really sorry.

Can you guys forgive me?

Yeah, I guess.

Okay, we're even now.

Actually, all that talk about
marriage felt kind of right.

Yeah. What do you say, Dad?

I say why don't you just
forget about this marriage thing,

and I'll make you a corn dog?

Cool! All right.

Sorry, Deej. Apparently
not a woman alive

can compete with my corn dogs.

Remember, kids.

Sometimes rhinos disguise
themselves as uptight rangers.

Rhino! [KIDS YELLING]

Ow, ow.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Man. Okay. Yeah.

Man, those little
fists are pointy.

Hey, Ranger Joe.
Is this your rodent?

I asked you not to touch
my woodchuck, okay?

[BANGING]

Whoa. Whoa. [KIDS LAUGHING]

Get me down.

Hey, come on. Quit it.

What's going on here?

♪ Ranger Joe ♪

Bye-bye, kids.

Bye-bye.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

♪ It's Ranger Joe ♪

Good show, partner.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Great show.

I'm going to go warm
up that hot tub, big boy.

Mwah!

That's quite a chemistry
you two have going.

With all due respect,
sir, I've had it up to here.

Here...

So it's your choice,
sir, it's me or her.

Please be quick
with your decision.

The blood's really
rushing to my head.

Okay... you're fired.

Thanks for being prompt.

This was so funny.

Michelle, this was not funny.

Jungle Jenny made
me look like an idiot.

Now, can you go find somebody
to cut me down, please?

Okay. Stay right there.

Okay.

[SWITCH CLICKS]

Hello?

Anybody here?

Could somebody
please cut me down?

[THUD]

[GROANS] Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[PLAYING MELLOW MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, peanut, how was the show?

Don't tell Joey,
but it was so funny.

Jess, I, uh, picked up
something on the way home.

What? A new attitude?

No.

Elvis car wax.

Elvis car wax? Get outta here.

I've been looking all over
town for this. Thanks...

I mean, uh... cool.

Hey, Jess, sit down
for a minute, okay?

Look, I-I wanna apologize, okay?

Michelle helped me
realize that I was wrong

yesterday at the radio station.

Hold everything.

Did you say I helped?

You certainly did, you
were a big help, sweetheart.

I told you I was a good helper.

What did I do?

Well, you helped me realize
that it's wrong to make jokes

if it hurts someone
else's feelings.

I did that?!

All right!

Good job, shorty.

If you boys need any more help,

you know where my room is.

Jess, I'm sorry I made all
those stupid hair comments.

I was getting big laughs.

I... I guess I...

kinda got on a roll
there. That's all right.

I... I was so uptight
about getting that job.

I was way too sensitive,
and I overreacted.

I'm sorry, pal.

Hey, you know, when
we were in advertising,

we made a pretty darn good team

Maybe this radio
gig will be fun.

A little music, a little comedy.

A little paycheck.

Ha. I hear you.

Let me tell you the best part.

The best part would be that

I'd work every day
with a really great friend.

So, what do you say, pal?

Partners again?

Hey, I say let's do it.

All right. [CHUCKLES]

Come on. I'll make you a sundae.

[CHUCKLES] All right.

Jess, I promise,
when we do the show,

no more of those
stupid hair jokes.

Ah, that's okay, Joey. You
can trash my hair all you want.

Just don't touch it.

[CHUCKLES]

I won't touch it.

Might want to drive
through it though,

my car could use the lube job.

Now you've gone too
far, Bullwinkle Brain.

Dippity-Doo Head.
Bullwinkle Brain.

Dippity-Doo Head.
Bullwinkle Brain.

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪