Full House (1987–1995): Season 6, Episode 12 - A Very Tanner Christmas - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Okay, we got Nicky, Alex, D.J.,

Stephanie, and Santa's
favorite little helper,

Michelle.

Uncle Jesse, I got a problem.

Lay it on me, babe.

I don't know
about that stocking.

What's the matter?
It's a beautiful stocking.

It says "Michelle".
It's a great stocking.

It's okay, but...
this would be better.

Whose stocking
is this, Bigfoot's?



What can I say? I've
been very good this year.

[GROWLING]

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhhhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪



♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun It is to... ♪

Beck, Beck, it's
snowing outside.

Quick, grab your
galoshes, get a shovel.

I think we're snowed
in. Brr. I'm... I'm freezing.

Let me break it to you
gently, Mr. California.

This is not snow.

This is gunk from a can.

Oh. Then I say we
go out back and build

Frosty the Gunkman, then, huh?

Somehow, it's just not the same.

Honey, I'm never gonna get
used to Christmas without snow.

Yeah, that's okay, sweetheart.

Don't worry, I never
thought I'd get used to Elvis

without sideburns.

When did he not have sideburns?

'61 through '68.

Made my preschool
years living hell.

[AS ELVIS] Come on, Priscilla, I
think the living room could use some

hunk-a, hunk-a snowy gunk.

Steve, tell me already.
What's the big surprise?

Okay, I'll tell you.
Incredible news.

The greatest thing
just happened to me.

You inherited a
Dunkin' Donuts shop?

Jeez. That would be great.

No. No. I got
accepted to college.

Steve, congratulations. Oh.

What school?

It's in Florida. Daytona
Beach University.

And I double-checked.
They actually saw my grades.

Really? Florida.

All the way over
by that other ocean.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Oh, it's awesome, Deej.

A four-year college.
And here, look.

Check out the school motto.

"Who says you can't
learn at the beach?"

Inspiring.

It's cool.

I gotta tell my parents.
Then we'll celebrate.

God, I can't believe I'm
gonna be a college man.

I'm finally gonna
learn how to water-ski.

[DOOR CLOSES]

D.J., come on.

Dad and Joey just drove
up with the Christmas tree.

It's big, it's green,

and it didn't fall off the car.

I'm gonna have to see it later.

But, Deej, we're
putting up the tree.

It's a Tanner-family tradition.

You can't miss that.

Sorry, I have some
last-minute shopping to do.

Shopping? Ah,
well, it's just a tree.

Did I mention I
look great in purple?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Right this way, boys.

Okay, comin'
through. Here we go.

Joey, be careful. I
don't wanna get any

pine needles and
pine sap on my floor.

Then a pine tree
was a good choice.

Boy, what a beautiful tree.

It reminds me of
back in Nebraska,

we'd hike into the woods,
chop down the perfect tree,

and then carry it
back over a blanket

of freshly fallen snow,

laughing and drinking
homemade hot cider.

Yeah, well, we grabbed
this sucker at a 7-Eleven

and chugged back a
couple of Big Gulps.

Aw, Joe, you're making
me feel all Christmassy.

Don't worry, Beck. You
know what? You never know.

I mean, Jack Frost
could take a wrong turn

and dump a whole
blizzard in your backyard.

Pfft! Yeah, right. When
Santa goes surfing.

I'll get the rest of the
decorations for the tree.

Great idea. The sooner
we decorate this thing,

the sooner we can start
cramming those gifts under it.

That's the spirit.

I hope Santa brings
me that new Barbie doll.

Michelle, Michelle, Michelle.

You don't just ask
Santa for a Barbie doll.

I know that. That's why
I asked for a Hula-Hoop,

and a dollhouse, and
another Hula-Hoop

in case the other one gets lost.

Now you got it.

Oh. And in case the big guy
in red should miss a few items,

I've updated my Christmas
list in my never-ending quest

to make your holiday
shopping more pleasurable.

That's very considerate
of you, Steph.

You even added a
color-coded map of the mall.

Girls, brace yourself, but
there is more to Christmas

than just presents.

That's true.

You can also
return them for cash.

Nice sentiment, Steph.

I think you oughta phone
that one in to Hallmark.

You know what, girls? You
just gave me a really good idea

for the perfect gift
for you guys this year.

Perfect gifts? That would
be items one through nine

on your list.

Oh, no, no, no. This is a
gift you're not gonna find

on any list.

I forgot something?

I must be slipping.

Okay, Joey. Let's
plug this in and see

if any of these bulbs
need replacing, okay?

Okay.

There we go.

Well, apparently
this one's fine.

[♪♪♪]

What are you doing in
there? You guys having fun?

You know, uh, Santa
could've saved himself $39.95

if he had just gotten the boys
wrapping paper and boxes.

Okay, here we go, fellas.
Come on, we're going for a ride.

Here we go.

♪ Oh, deck the halls
With boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season To be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪

Sweetheart, I really
love the earrings, but...

what do I need mittens for?

Well, you never know when
they might come in handy.

You could have a bad nail day.

Here's the last present.

Whose name starts with V?

If those are Rollerblades,
just call me Vivian.

Easy there, sticky
fingers. This is for Vicky,

and I'd like it kept
right over here, please.

Yeah, too bad she had
to work on Christmas.

Well, what can I do? You
know, Vicky's a reporter,

and the news doesn't
stop for holidays.

Aw, I feel bad for
her too, you know?

She's covering
elections in Sweden.

So that's it? No more presents?

Didn't a certain uncle
promise us a perfect gift?

BOTH: Hmm?

Yes, he did.

BOTH: Yay!

But it's not here.

[BOTH GROAN]

'Cause it's too big.

BOTH: Hooray!

If it's a elephant,
I'll call him... Phil.

Sweetheart, if it's an elephant,
it'll sleep in Joey's room.

Look, Uncle Jesse has something
really special planned for you

to give you the real
meaning of Christmas.

All right! We're
going to Toys "R" Us.

Wrong "R" you.

We won't miss the
Christmas party, will we?

You'll be home in plenty of time

to see me play Santa.

I think I'm gonna try a
new "ho, ho, ho" this year.

How about, uh, Jerry Lewis?

[AS JERRY LEWIS]
Ho, ho, ho, lady. Flaymin'.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay.

Hey, guys.

DJ: Hi. Hey, merry Christmas.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, fruitcake.

It's Joey to you.

Thanks. Deej, I couldn't
wait to give you your present.

D.J.: Open mine first.

Okay. Thanks.

Wow.

This is that leather
jacket I saw at the mall.

God, this is so
expensive. You know, I...

Deej, I didn't spend that
much on your present.

I thought we had an agreement.

Oh, it doesn't matter
how much you spent.

I love you, and I wanted
to get you something

that you would love.

I don't expect anything
special in return.

It's just a Daytona Beach
University sweatshirt.

I hope you like it.

Maybe I should have
sprung for the sweatpants too.

Deej?

Deej? [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Steve, how could you?

D.J., I'm really sorry.
It's all I could afford.

I'm saving up for college.

I know. Daytona
Beach University.

Don't you get it?
It's not about the gift.

What's gonna happen to us?

You're going to school
3000 miles away.

Well, don't worry.
I-I worked it all out.

We'll call each
other every night,

and I'll see you
on school holidays.

Oh, great. So we'll be together
on Thanksgiving, Christmas,

and Spuds MacKenzie's birthday.

Deej, we're gonna
make this work.

This is my shot
to go to college.

But you're selling
yourself short.

It's just a party school.

Well, that's easy for
you to say. You're a brain.

I mean, sometimes
you even read for fun.

I'm lucky I got in anyplace.

Well, congratulations.
Beach Blanket U.

Yeah, well, thanks
for your support.

I... I thought you'd
be happy for me.

Well, why should I
be happy for you?

You don't even care about us.

Hey, I... I do too
care about us.

Oh, yeah, I can tell
by your Christmas gift.

Who asked you to blow your
whole bank account on my present?

What were you trying
to do, bribe me to stay?

I can't believe
you just said that.

Hey, if the
jacket fits, wear it.

Oh, you know what?

I am glad you're
going to Florida.

Oh, yeah? Me too. Good.

[♪♪♪]

Merry Christmas.

[♪♪♪]

[BECKY GASPS]

Look, you guys. Look,
look. What did D.J. get you?

[GASPS]

Look at this.

Ooh. Snowdomes.

Snow. Yes. See? Snow!

Snow. I know.

Look, it's Santa
all covered in snow.

And you see the little snowman?

Oh, and look, look, look.

Look at the snow falling
down on the happy children.

Stay in that bubble, kids,
where every Christmas is white.

Oh, ha, ha. Boys, say thank
you to D.J. for the nice gift.

Thank you, D.J.

You're welcome.

How about a
Tasmanian Devil Santa?

[BABBLING AS THE
TASMANIAN DEVIL]

Ho, ho, ho, Donder Blitzen.

[NORMAL VOICE]
What do you think?

Boy, if Vicky were here, she
sure would love my eggnog.

Well, thanks for the input.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'm gonna go change.

Deej.

Sorry about you and Steve
breaking up. Hang in there.

I heard the first three
hours are the toughest.

Well, I'm trying not to think
about him, but he keeps calling.

Six times I wouldn't talk
to him, four times I hung up.

That way, I mix it up a little.

It's time to get
on with your life.

That's why I took the liberty
of bringing a little something

to help brighten your holiday.

The wrestling team.

Come on in, boys.

Food's on the house. Come on in.

Make yourselves at home.

A thousand pounds of fresh,
grade A, Gibbler-certified beef.

Kimmy, what are you doing?

I'm getting you
back into circulation.

Boys, you know D.J.

She broke up with Steve,

and she's not even
thinking about him.

Yeah, it's true.
Steve and I broke up.

And as far as
thinking about him,

nothing could be
further from my mind

than old what's-his-name.

Steveball...? Uh, cheeseball?

♪ I wish Vicky were here
For Christmas, ba-ba-boo ♪

♪ I wish Vicky were here
For Christmas, ba-ba-ba-boo ♪

♪ I wish Vicky were
here For Christmas ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm losing my mind ♪

Daddy, we're home.

Aw, come here.

How'd your surprise
Christmas trip go?

Well, they were
definitely surprised.

Uncle Jesse took us to a
shelter for homeless people.

I know. What'd you think?

Dad, there were so
many people there.

Not just grownups. Kids too.

When I saw them,
it made me feel sad.

It's okay to feel sad, Michelle.

Those people are
in a lot of trouble.

It was hard at first,

but then we put up decorations

and helped serve
Christmas dinner.

You guys were great.
You really pitched in.

I'm a very proud uncle today.

I put out the napkins.

[CHUCKLES]

And everyone sang
Christmas carols.

Uncle Jesse was a
big hit playing the piano.

Well, yeah, 'cause I snuck in

a special holiday
version of "Hound Dog."

I hope we helped make
their Christmas better.

[♪♪♪]

I wanna go back there
and help real soon.

Aw, Steph.

You know, when I hear you
come up with an idea like that,

you just make me
so proud. Come here.

Mmm.

And you know what,
Steph? You're right.

This isn't just a
Christmas thing.

This should happen
all year round.

If more people in the
world would help out

like you guys just did,

it could really
make a difference.

I'm sorry we went
so present-crazy.

Ah, it's okay.

I remember when I was your age,

I bugged my dad for
an Evel Knievel jumpsuit.

Why?

'Cause I already had the helmet.

Anyway, he took me
down to the Salvation Army.

It made me feel so good to
see your guys' faces today

because that's
exactly how I felt.

And I never forgot that feeling.

And I never want you guys
to forget that feeling, okay?

Merry Christmas, girls.

Thanks for our Christmas
present, Uncle Jesse.

All right, now if you
guys will excuse me,

I have one more
very important present

to take care of.

Now, if we go into
the living room there,

I think there might
still be a couple cookies

with your names on 'em.

Good thing I'm learning to read.

And then Steve said...

Well, I can't say
it like he says it,

but... [CHUCKLES]

Where was I? Oh, right. Steve.

You know, it's amazing.

When you break up
with someone like Steve,

you think you would be
obsessed with talking about Steve.

But it's really not like that.
I mean, Steve who? Heh!

How am I doing?

Save your voice.

Just tattoo "I miss
Steve" on your forehead.

Now, let me show
you how to land a stud.

My mom uses this mistletoe

to chase Tom Jones
through Caesar's Palace.

Okay, boys, gather round.

Two lips, no waiting.

Oh, come on. Don't be shy.

Miles, you animal.

Ew, gross.

Here, Deej, maybe
you'll have better luck.

I'm not ready for this.

Sweetheart...

you okay?

Terrific.

I'm having a great Christmas.

Really? 'Cause that's
the same look Joey had

when they canceled
Magilla Gorilla.

How could Steve go
to college in Florida?

We never even talked about it.

Remember how concerned you were
when Steve couldn't even get into college?

This could be a
great opportunity.

I know, but he's
going so far away.

What's gonna happen to us?

Hey, long distance
relationships are not easy,

but Vicky and I
are making it work.

And if you and Steve
really care about each other,

you'll make it work too.

That's what Steve said.

Look, the phone bill's
gonna be a monster,

but, uh, it'll balance out

with what we save
on food for Steve.

Dad, he hurt me so much.

He said I gave him that
jacket to buy his love.

Well, did you spend
all your money on it

because you thought
it might show him

how much you cared about
him so he'd decide not to leave?

Of course not.

I bought it to show
how much I love him...

so he'd decide not to leave.

Okay, maybe it's
close to what you said.

Okay, maybe it's
exactly what you said.

I really messed up.

Do you think he'll
ever talk to me again?

Well, honey, you know, uh...

only one way to find out.

Santa's here.

Not the real Santa, just Joey.

But don't tell anyone.

[TSKS, SIGHS]

It's his answering machine.

Why didn't I talk to him
when I had the chance?

Maybe you didn't hear
me. It's the big, jolly guy.

Come on, sweetie.

Ho, ho, ho.

[IN A DEEP VOICE] Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

See? I told you.

Ho, ho, ho.

Not your best ho, ho, ho, Joey.

[DOORBELL RINGS] I'll get it.

I'm with you.

Ho, ho, ho.

Wow. Two Santas.

Told you I was good this year.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll get this, honey.

Hi. I'm Danny Tanner.

Don't tell me your
sled broke down.

You really oughta
rotate those reindeer.

Whoa. Look, I know the North
Pole is lonely, buddy, but...

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

[LAUGHS]

Vicky! Vicky.

Oh! You know, that lip
gloss should've tipped me off.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Look, everybody. Vicky's here.

ALL: Hi, Vicky.

Wh-what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be in Sweden.

I was, way up by
the Arctic Circle,

but as soon as I finished,

I took a dog sled 40 miles
to the nearest train station,

rode overnight to the airport,
rented a Santa Claus suit,

jumped on the last
flight to San Francisco

and arrived 20 minutes ago.

Wow. Twenty minutes
from the airport.

You made great time.

Come here.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, Joey,

I wish you really
were Santa Claus.

Then I'd ask you
to bring me Steve

so I could apologize to him.

I was so selfish.

I should be happy
he got into college.

Ho, ho, ho.

Or as Daffy Duck would say,

[AS DAFFY DUCK] Ho, ho, ho,
all you wonderful San Franthiscans.

Santa. Santa.

Yeah, Santa.

This Santa thing
is outta control.

Well, well, well,

it seems as though there's
an imposter amongst us.

Wait.

If that's Joey,
then who are you?

Steve.

Some Thanta Claus.

Deej, I'm sorry,

but this is the only way I
could get you to talk to me.

Why didn't you
tell me it was you?

Well, Santa never
interrupts an apology.

Well, I'm really sorry.

Yeah, me too.

I got so pumped up
about getting into college,

that I didn't even think
about your feelings.

No, you were right.

We'll make this work no
matter how far apart we are.

Well, we're not
gonna be far apart.

I'm gonna stay in town
and go to junior college

and improve my grades.

Then maybe I can get
into a really good school.

Oh, Steve, I love you.

I love you too.

ALL: Awww.

Excuse me. E-everybody,
I have an announcement.

There's a very special
delivery in the backyard

for Miss Rebecca
Donaldson Katsopolis.

Jess, another gift?

Just a little something that
wouldn't fit in your stocking.

All right, guys.

She's crossing
though the kitchen.

She's opening the back door.

We should get a
reaction right about...

BECKY [SCREAMING]: Oh!

Now.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Walkin' In a
winter wonderland ♪

Jess, this is so
beautiful. Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.

How in the world
did you do this?

Oh, it's no big deal.

It's just your, uh, everyday,
average miracle, that's all.

[LAUGHS]

Told you you'd need these.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Merry Christmas.

Come on. How did you do this?

Well, I don't like to explain
my miracles, but if I must.

See, I know this guy who
makes snow cones, and I, uh,

just ordered 17,000 of 'em.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Ohh. Snow.

JOEY [NORMAL
VOICE]: Wow. Look at this.

[CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]

MICHELLE: Look at the snowman.

VICKY: Wow. Pretty.

Hey, can you say
white Christmas?

Can you say white Christmas?

[BABBLES]

[GIGGLES]

[LAUGHING]

Are we going to talk
about it or play in it?

[ALL CHEER]

♪ In the meadow We
can build a snowman ♪

♪ And pretend That
he is Parson Brown ♪

♪ He'll say, "Are you
married?" We'll say, "No, man" ♪

♪ But you can do the
job When you're in town ♪

♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪

♪ Are you listening? ♪

♪ In the lane
Snow is glistening ♪

♪ A beautiful sight ♪

♪ We're happy tonight ♪

♪ Walkin' In a
winter wonderland ♪

♪ Walkin' In a
winter wonderland ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪