Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Legend of Ranger Joe - full transcript

In this episode, Joey hits a string of great luck! He gets free cable, concert tickets and job interviews, he even gets a date with a hot girl, but then his luck runs short when his ...

[♪♪♪]

You are welcome to
play with my old tap shoes.

But keep in mind,
tap dancing is a skill

that requires grace and rhythm.

I got grace and rhythm.

How was that?

Well, we know the taps work.

Okay, now watch your big
sister and see how it is done.

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Me for you And you for me ♪

BOTH: ♪ Tea for
two And two for tea ♪



♪ Alone, bum, bum ♪

And that is how it is done.

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ And tea for two ♪
Very good, Michelle.

♪ And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

What have I done?

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪



♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Deej, I sure hope the
twins are a boy and a girl

because I picked
out the perfect names:

Elvis and Priscilla.

Well, what if they're two girls?

Oh, um, uh,
Priscilla and Elvisa.

So if you get two boys

you're gonna name
them Elvis and Priscillo?

See, I didn't think about...

No, that's good.

See, I gotta think this through.

See, it's so important
what you name your kid

because it can determine the
whole personality, you know?

I mean, you think I'd have
cool hair and a great band

if my name was Marvin?

Marvin and the Rippers?

I don't think so.

Why are you so obsessed
over this name thing?

Well, I don't want my
kids going through what I...

Never mind.

Never mind what?

Never mind.

Okay, you have a secret.

I'll just go digging
through your past until I...

Till you what?

Never mind.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey, Jess.

Hey, Joe... You look good.

How'd your, uh, act go
over at the club last night?

I bombed.

Those foreign tourist
groups are tough crowds.

I had to keep waiting
for the interpreter

to translate my Bullwinkle.

[AS BULLWINKLE] Thank
you and good evening.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN
DIALECT AS INTERPRETER]

[CHUCKLES]

My life's going nowhere.

Oh, come on, what happened
to the happy-go-lucky,

grinning Joey we
all know and love?

He's gone forever, man.

Jess, no matter what I
do, I can't catch a break.

Come on, today's
a brand-new day.

Yeah, until I read my
bad review in the paper.

Well, [PHONE RINGING]

no paper today.

There's a paper strike.

See that? Your luck's
already changing.

Talk to me.

Joey, it's KFLX Radio.

No, I don't know how
much Deputy Dawg weighs.

What am I, an idiot?

Don't hang up!

Hello. Yes.

Without his gun and badge,

Deputy Dawg weighs
exactly 43 pounds.

[CHUCKLING] Really?

I just won two tickets to the
Donny and Marie reunion.

Uh, my name's Joey Gladstone.

I'll be by to pick the
tickets up this afternoon.

No, thank you.

Oh, wait, I almost forgot.

I gotta wait for the cable guy.

He's supposed to be
here between 9 and 6.

[KNOCKING]

No way, I'm not that lucky.

Hi, I'm Linda
from Hilltop Cable.

You're the cable guy?

Hold on, don't move.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Come right in, the
TV's in the living room.

You're Joey
Gladstone, aren't you?

Uh-huh.

I've seen your act.

You are very funny.

You must have
seen it in English.

TV, living room.

Jess, I think she likes
me. How do I look?

Well, you got the Hugh
Hefner robe thing happening,

that's a plus.

But I'd buff up the
Ninja Turtle slippers.

I already buffed 'em
once, but I'll buff 'em again.

Well, everything
seems to be okay now.

I put a booster on
your cable out back.

Oh, thanks.

[ENGINE REVVING LOUDLY OVER TV]

Wow, we never got the Truck-
and Tractor-Pull Network before.

Let's just say that's
our little secret.

Oh, thanks, Linda.

You know, this is really
turning out to be a great day.

[SCOFFS] Not for me.

I just tried to get
Donny and Marie tickets,

but they're sold-out.

That's amazing. I just
won two front-row seats.

You wanna go?

Sounds great. Um...
Here's my number.

Call me later? Absolutely.

Oh, I love your slippers.

I'll wear 'em tonight.

[CHUCKLES]

Bye. Thank you.

Jess, I got the date. I'm
on the roll of a lifetime.

See that? That
extra buffing paid off.

Let's watch Wake
Up, San Francisco.

♪ Wake up ♪
Oh, okay.

Hi, we're back
with a special guest

who works right
here at Channel 8.

I grew up watching this man.

He was like a
father figure to me.

Not that I didn't
have a great father.

Although my dad did
wear socks with his sandals,

which got kind of
cheesy... Danny.

Danny, we're only
a half-hour show.

Here he is.

The host of San Francisco's
favorite cartoon kiddie show,

Ranger Roy.

[CLAPPING]

Howdy ho, junior rangers.

BOTH: Howdy ho, Ranger Roy.

I used to love this guy.

I used to watch him
every day when I was a kid.

Now, everyone give themselves

an official Ranger Roy bear hug!

Grrr!

[ALL GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

You got that date just in time.

And now I... I have an
announcement to make

to all your viewers.

After 30 years in the
Enchanted Forest,

me and my buddy,
Merle the Squirrel,

are retiring.

Right, Merle?

Right, Roy.

We're packing up our
nuts and moving to Florida

to an enchanted condo.

Don't worry, junior rangers.

I'll be choosing a new ranger
to carry on the cartoon fun.

I'd be perfect for that job.

You know, my best friend Joey
would be perfect for that job.

I'm interviewing today.

Bring him on down.

I can't wait to tell him... Jess,
this is a dream come true.

I can't believe it.
It's... It's my lucky day.

If you want your
luck to last, let go.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two... ♪

You're not watching.

Michelle, I watched
all the way to school.

I watched during school.

I watched all the way
home from school.

I watched, and I
watched, and I watched.

Good, now watch this.

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

Hey, girls, I'd like you to meet
a very special friend of mine.

Say hello to Mr. Woodchuck.

JOEY [AS WOODCHUCK]: Hi, girls.

Hello, Mr. Woodchuck.

Say, I'm very hungry.

Is that tap board made of...

wood?

Mr. Woodchuck's gonna audition

with me today at the
Ranger Roy Show.

And I know I'm gonna get it
because today is my lucky day.

Now, if I could just remember
where I put my car keys.

A $20 bill, this
is my lucky day.

Can you believe that?

My lost Binaca.

I can't miss.

Ahh.

Wanna see something amazing?

Sure.

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

[♪♪♪]

Thanks for meeting
my friend Joey.

Good luck today. Tanner,
I never shake hands.

Oh, of course, you invented
the Ranger Roy bear hug.

Lay one on me.

Get away from me.

What's the matter?

Well, now that I'm retiring,
I can tell you the truth.

I suffer from acute
physical paranoia.

Anyone touches
me, I hyperventilate

and break out in hives.

That's why I started that
whole "hug yourself" thing.

Howdy ho, Ranger Roy.

Oh, this is the comedy genius

I was telling you
about, Joey Gladstone.

Pleasure to meet you,
sir. Good luck, Joey.

[QUIETLY] You can't touch him.

Well, nobody can touch
him, he's a living legend.

But if anybody's gonna
fill his hiking shoes,

it might as well be me.

Ranger Roy...
[CLEARS THROAT] here.

Check this out, sir.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, Mr. Woodchuck,
Merle the Squirrel

lives here in the
enchanted tree house.

How would you like living there?

Well, I have been
looking to branch out.

[CHUCKLES]

Cute. What else have you got?

Well, basically, sir,

I do every cartoon
voice known to man.

[AS POPEYE] Well,
blow me down. Whoa.

[CHUCKLES]

[AS BUGS BUNNY]
Eh, what's up, doc?

[AS YOSEMITE SAM]
Ooh, I hate that rabbit.

[AS COSMO G. SPACELY]
Jetson, get in here.

[AS ASTRO] I'm sorry, George.

Gladstone...

you're the man I've
been looking for.

Really? I got the job?

Mm.

Oh. Thank you,
uh, Ranger Roy, sir,

Your... Your Highness,
Your Woodsiness.

I love you.

Joey. [COUGHING, WHEEZING]

Stop hugging him, Joey.

You don't know what
this means to me.

I'm just as choked up
about this as you are.

Just let... Let go of the man.

Thank you so much for the job.

I gotta call my agent.

This is the luckiest
day of my life!

Forgive Joey. He didn't
know what he was doing.

You made a real smart
move by hiring him.

[GASPS]

He's fired!

[♪♪♪]

Come on, go,
baby, go! Go, go, go!

Pull it, pull it,
go, go! Go, go!

Yes! Yes!

Boy, how did we ever live

without the Truck- and
Tractor-Pull Channel?

[CLICKS OFF]

Somebody took my tap shoes.

Does that finger in my
face mean you think it's me?

Duh.

Steph, what do you
know about this?

Well, I know I'm just as sad

about this tap-shoe
tragedy as she is.

Oh, puh-lease.

Howdy ho, junior rangers.

Guess who is the new Ranger Roy!

All right! Joey,
you got the job.

You guys, talk
about a lucky day.

First a newspaper strike
saved me from a bad review.

Then I won tickets
to Donny and Marie.

Then a beautiful woman
came over and fixed our cable,

and she's going
out with me tonight.

I'd pinch myself, but I'd
probably just strike oil.

[CHUCKLES]

You guys are gonna love this.

I found out why Uncle
Jesse is so obsessed

with finding cool
names for the twins.

I called Grandma, and she said

that Uncle Jesse's
real name... is Hermes.

ALL: Hermes?

I married a Hermes?

I got a Uncle Hermes?

Yep. He was teased
so much in kindergarten

that he begged Grandma
to change it to Jesse.

Hey, those are my tap shoes.

Drop 'em.

You guys see what Comet dug up?

Well, you know how
dogs like to bury things.

In a plastic bag?

Stephanie Tanner, you
should be ashamed of yourself.

All right, I did it.

And I'm glad.

All day long it's been:

"Tea for two," tap, tap,
tap. "Tea for two," tap, tap.

I couldn't take it anymore!

It was either get rid of those
tap shoes or lose my mind.

"Tea for two," tap, tap,
tap. "Tea for two," tap, tap.

Thank you for finding
my shoes, Uncle Hermes.

You're welcome.

What did you call me?

Uncle Hermes. That's your name.

[LAUGHING]

Who told ya my name was Hermes?

Grandma.

She's lying.

Jess.

Okay.

It's... Hermes.

[LAUGHING]

Hermes is not only the
Greek god of swiftness,

but it's also my
great-grandfather's name.

I'll have you know he saved
the whole town from destruction

when he raced a river of
lava down a mountain barefoot.

He went to tell the whole
town that the volcano erupted.

'Course, no one
was left in the town

because who could
miss a volcano erupting?

But the point I'm trying to
make here is the name Hermes

is equated with
strength, courage...

and very hot feet.

So now

who among you will
make fun of a name

so bold and so courageous
as Hermes, huh?

I'm sorry, honey.

We didn't realize the
name meant so much to you.

Did you want me to
call you Uncle Hermes?

[SCOFFS] No, what
am I, some kind of geek?

Come here.

[GIGGLING]

Joey, I gotta talk to
you about something.

I know, the newspaper strike's
over, and I got a bad review.

But who cares? I'm
gonna be Ranger Joe.

They can't touch me.

Joey, listen... [PHONE RINGS]

Hold on, one second.

Hello?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll be down right
away to pick up the tickets.

Oh, no.

My fourth cousin's
a janitor at KFLX.

All family members
are disqualified

from winning the
Donny and Marie tickets.

Uh-huh.

Well, sure, I'll take
a KFLX sweatband.

Mm-hm. Bye.

Phew. Boy, of
all the rotten luck.

Yeah, speaking of
rotten luck... [KNOCKING]

Just a second.

Well, hi, Linda.

Joey, bad news.

Oh, no. They're taking away

my Truck- and Tractor-Pull
Network, aren't they?

Worse. The whole cable's out.

But we're still on for
that concert, right?

Well, it turns out I don't
have those tickets after all.

That is so typical.

You were just using me.

No, I wasn't. I swear. I...

You want a KFLX sweatband?

Sure, where is it?

I don't have it right now.

Oh, there's a shock.

Boy, if this wasn't
my lucky day,

I'd be a little blue right now.

Joey, sit down, carefully.

Look, um,

I think Ranger Roy is
having second thoughts

about giving you the job.

Why? What did he say?

He said you were fired.

What are you talking about?

He loved me so much
he was speechless.

That's because
he couldn't breathe.

He has a condition known
as acute physical paranoia.

Oh, no.

I was on him like a
piranha on a pork chop.

Oh, my God.

I have to stop that
thank-you telegram I sent him.

How could a telegram hurt?

Danny, it's a Hug-O-Gram.

A what?

A guy dressed in a bear
suit who hands you balloons

and gives you a
great big bear hug.

I even paid extra
for the tummy rub.

I'm no expert,

but I'd say your
lucky streak is over.

Maybe not. Maybe I can still
get a second shot at that job.

I gotta stop that bear.

[♪♪♪]

We're on in one minute.

Ranger Roy?

For me?

And a Hug-O-Gram
from Joey Gladstone.

No, stop that bear!

Get off him, it's a mistake.

Get off him.

The man can't
stand to be touched.

Hey, buddy! Sorry about this.

I still owe you
for the tummy rub.

HUG-O-GRAM BEAR: Yeah, ya do.

Ranger Roy.

I, uh, guess you got
your bear hug, huh?

Kids, why don't
you go find a stump?

[WHEEZING]

We're on in 15 seconds.

Tanner, cover for him.

Me?

Here, here. Take Merle!

I don't know anything
about puppets.

Except if you machine-wash
'em, their eyes come off.

That's good enough. You're on.

In five, four, three, two...

♪ Ranger Roy Ranger Roy ♪

♪ Loved by every girl
and boy He's Ranger Roy ♪

Howdy ho, junior rangers.

Howdy ho, Daddy.

Where's Ranger Roy?

He's, uh... He's
taking a little breather.

Doesn't matter, 'cause
I'm here. I'm Ranger Dan.

If you're a ranger,
where's your uniform?

[AS MERLE] Oh, that's
a very good question.

And, uh, here's the answer:

Uh, he's an undercover ranger.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Hey, thank you, Earl.

[AS MERLE] It's Merle.

[CHUCKLING, NORMAL
VOICE] He's funny.

Okay, you know what?

It's time to meet
my deputy ranger.

Come on over here,
and everybody, let's say:

"Howdy ho, Ranger Joe."

No, thank you, Ranger Dan.

What Ranger Joe
doesn't realize is

this could be his big
chance to be somebody.

Forget it. My luck's run out.

Ah, there's a good lesson to
be learned here, boys and girls.

You make your own luck in
this crazy, mixed-up world.

Sit down, buddy.

Kids, let's all give a big
"howdy ho" to Ranger Joe.

KIDS: Howdy ho, Ranger Joe!

Go get 'em, buddy.

Howdy ho, junior rangers.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Junior rangers, what
do you say we say hello

to the hippest, coolest critter
in the forest, Mr. Woodchuck.

[KIDS CHEERING]

[AS WOODCHUCK]
Thank you, Ranger Joe.

Thank you, kids.

[NORMAL VOICE] So how do you
like living here in the Enchanted Forest?

Well, it looks delicious.

I've never seen so much... wood.

[CHUCKLING]

It kind of reminds
me of where I'm from.

Oakland.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, kids, how would you like
to hear a Mr. Woodchuck joke?

KIDS: Yeah!

Knock, knock.

KIDS: Who's there?

Isador.

KIDS: Isador who?

Isador made of... wood?

[KIDS LAUGHING]

Howdy ho, junior rangers.

KIDS: Howdy ho, Ranger Roy!

Well, junior rangers,

it looks like Ranger Roy's
back in the Enchanted Forest.

So I'll just take a hike

to the Enchanted
Unemployment Office.

Not so fast.

I have an announcement.

This show is the last
one for Merle and me.

KIDS [DISAPPOINTEDLY]: Aw.

But the good news is,
Ranger Joe is taking over.

KIDS: Yay!

Aw, shucks, golly, you
really mean it, Ranger Roy?

The smiles on
these faces show me

that I've made the right choice.

So here's your
official ranger hat.

Wow, it fits and everything.

This is the luckiest
day of my life.

Okay, kids. Now
let's give Ranger Joe

a great big bear hug.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, kids, cut it out.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]