Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 5 - The King and I - full transcript

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪



♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪



♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

Wow, here's
something interesting:

"Genius pigeon
graduates college."

Joey, how can
you read that junk?

Oh, my God.

He went to the
same school I did.

Attention all family members.

Report to the
kitchen immediately.

Training camp is about to begin.

Don't try to make a run for it,

I've got the house
completely surrounded.

Move it, move it, move it.

Hut, hut, hut, hut. Let's go.

What's going on? Hut, hut, hut.

What's wrong?

Attention.

As you were.

God, I love the sound
of my own voice.

As you all know, this weekend,
Tanners from all across

this great country of ours
are gathering at Lake Pollock

for a fun family
reunion and picnic.

First, we're gonna hug 'em,
then we're gonna kiss 'em,

and then once those
picnic games begin,

we are gonna kick
some Tanner behind.

Michelle...

You will be with Uncle
Jesse in the balloon relay race.

All right. We're gonna kick
some Tanner in the behind.

Where does she get this stuff?

Okay, D.J. and Steph.

You two will be tied together
in the three-legged race.

We won't let you down, Dad.

Deej, we've gotta practice.

From now until the picnic,

we'll spend day and
night tied together.

Sounds like a dream come true.

Someone needs to
work on her team spirit.

Joey!

As the only winner
from our family last year,

we are counting on you
to repeat as champion

in the pie-eating contest.

[IN A DEEP VOICE] I am
the world's greatest pie eater.

Nobody can touch me.

Aunt Phyllis, if
you're out there

doing your
needlepoint, know this:

I will destroy you!

Okay, man.

You can pump up with these.

Get practicing.

All right.

Who wants to spar
with the champ?

I need a little
competition here.

Oh, blueberry.

I'll try.

Okay, assume the position.

And, go!

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, Becky.

Come on, Uncle Joey.

Eat it, come on!

[SHOUTING AND CHEERING]

Faster, come on.
Faster, you guys.

DANNY: Eat the pie.

Eat it, Becky. Beat him, Becky.

DANNY: Becky's gaining
on you, Joey, come on.

Come on, Becky!

Come on.

She's gaining on you, Joey.

Go!

We run out of forks?

Hi, honey.

Be with you in a jiff.

It's okay. I'll just, uh,

stay here and snack.

Finished! We have
a new champion.

Hooray, Becky.

Yes! All right!

Hey man, no fair.

She's having twins.
She's eating for three.

Besides, I think I had
a blueberry up my nose.

This is all very fascinating,

but I wanna tell
you guys something.

I just met with a
new record company,

and they heard my
music, and they loved it.

Oh, honey, that's
great. Good for you.

It's not a done deal yet.
They said they'd give me

a record contract if I come
up with one great hit song.

I got very big news.

You're my partner
in the balloon race.

Oh, that's right. At the picnic.

Let's practice right now.

All right, we will, I promise,
but right now I'm gonna

go downstairs, and write
the greatest song ever written.

Just give me ten minutes.

That is the kind of
groundless confidence we need

to win that Tanner
family trophy.

Because we are the
Bay Area Tanners

and we are gonna win, right?

Aunt Phyllis, you are dead meat.

Come on, Deej,
we have to practice

for the three-legged race.

Steph, can't you
see that I'm busy?

Dad!

D.J.'s not showing
any team spirit!

All right, all right.
Let's get this over with.

Okay, now.

Tie it up real tight
so it won't fall off.

Now, we have to practice
day and night, night and day,

until we have it
perfect, so we can win.

Okay.

Okay, now let's
practice walking first.

Ready... go.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

That's my phone. I
bet it's Ben Andrews.

He's unbelievably hot.

[RINGING]

Ugh, I can't get this knot out.

Ben, don't hang up.

Steph, you're coming with me.

But we have to practice.

We'll practice going up stairs.

Come on.

Inside, outside,
inside, outside.

Easy... Ben, don't hang up!

Keep ringing. Keep
ringing. Come on, hurry.

Inside, outside,
inside, outside, inside...

[RINGING CONTINUES]
I'm coming, Ben. I'm coming.

Keep ringing. Keep ringing.

Keep ringing. Keep
ringing. Keep ringing.

Hello?

It's for you.

Thanks.

I gave your number
out for emergencies.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Eric.

♪ I'm lookin' ♪

♪ At three-day-old pizza crust ♪

♪ I'll give it to Joey
He'll eat anything ♪

[BANGS PIANO KEYS]

Guess what time it is?

Time for me to
write a decent song.

Nope, it's time to practice.
You need to walk like this:

Waddle, waddle,
waddle, waddle, waddle.

Thank you, Michelle.

Now, uh, let me get
back to my tune here.

You gotta practice too, partner.

All right, give me that.

Waddle, waddle, waddle.

Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle.

There. Now, take off. I
gotta get back to my music.

Could I hear it?

Well, all right. It's... It's
not really finished yet,

but it, uh, starts like this:

Then I do, like, a
verse, and then a...

Then a chorus, and, uh...

A real nice bridge and then I...

Then I do another
chorus, and it ends like this:

What do you think?

You got nothing.

Tell me about it.

Write a song like this:

♪ Five little speckled frogs
Sitting on a hollow log ♪

♪ Eating some most
Delicious bugs ♪

♪ Yum, yum ♪

Thank you, Michelle. ♪
One jumped into the pool ♪

♪ Where it was nice and cool ♪

♪ Now there are
four Speckled frogs ♪

♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

♪ Four little... ♪

I'm inspired now.
♪ Speckled frogs ♪

♪ Sitting on a hollow log ♪

♪ Eating some most
Delicious bugs ♪

♪ Yum, yum ♪

MICHELLE & JOEY: ♪ One jumped
into the pool Where it was nice and cool ♪

♪ Now there are
three speckled frogs ♪

♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

♪ Three little speckled frogs ♪

Enough! ♪ Sitting on... ♪

Joey, I hope you have a
good reason for interrupting me.

I sure do.

Check this out, Jess.
Another Elvis sighting.

This time they
spotted him in Portland

playing miniature
golf with Bigfoot.

[PIANO KEYS BANGING
DISCORDANTLY]

Hi, honey.

How's the song going?

Oh, terrific. Great.

He gots nothing.

I got nothing 'cause
I got no privacy here.

Can you people just
please leave me alone?

Okay, Mr. Cranky Pants.

Out.

[SCOFFS]

You don't want me to leave too?

Uh-huh.

After I waddled down here
to bring you this snack?

Mm-hm.

Well, honey, don't take
this the wrong way but:

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Thank you.

Uncle Jesse, I have a idea.

Hm?

You should write a song

about a turtle and a duck.

Thank you, Michelle. Run along.

[MOCKINGLY] A turtle and a duck.

♪ Oh, there was a
turtle And a duck ♪

[♪♪♪]

Let's go, people.
It's picnic time.

Move it, move it, move it.

Oh, I am so proud of you girls.

You know, you have mastered
the three-legged walk so well,

it's as if you're not
even tied together.

[IN UNISON] We're not.

[IN UNISON] Stop
talking when I talk.

Becky, I just want you to know

that I've entered
the pie-eating contest

as a wild-card entry.

Joey, you don't stand a chance.

Of course I do.

I've switched

to the Tasmanian
Devil technique.

Now when I see that
pie, it's gonna be like:

[AS TASMANIAN DEVIL] Pie!

[GOBBLES]

[BURPS]

Hola, fellow picnickers.

My bag's in the van, and
I'm ready for action, coach.

Uh, Kimmy, uh...

As much as we'd love to
have you along on this trip,

there's just no room in the van.

And besides, you gotta be a
member of the Tanner Family.

But I am a member
of the Tanner family.

At least that's what my
parents keep telling me.

Everybody, I gotta talk to you.

Yay, Uncle Jesse's here!

Michelle, I think we've
had enough bullhorn, okay?

All right, everybody
into the van.

Get the luggage.
Move it, move it, move it.

Here, Uncle Jesse.
Wear your T-shirt.

It's a poly-cotton blend.

Dad said it wouldn't shrink,

but I think it's just cheaper.

This is what I gotta
talk to you about.

I've been up for four days,

I can't come up
with a decent song,

so I'm gonna pass
on this picnic thing

and stay home and work.

What? What do you mean?

Well, look on the
bright side, Tanners.

Now there's room
in the van for me.

Jess, we need you
now more than ever.

Yeah, it's just not
the same without you.

Yeah, you've gotta go.

Come on, honey,
it'll be good for you.

Yeah, sure, relax, take your
mind off your work for a while...

I wanna keep my mind on my
work. Don't you guys understand?

This is my one
shot at a record deal.

But you're my partner
in the balloon race.

Well, get another partner.

But you promised.

Michelle, I can't.

But you promised.

Michelle, I have
to write a song.

But you promised.

Well, then, I'm gonna
break my promise.

I'm not going to the stupid
picnic, so leave me alone.

Jess.

Uncle Jesse yelled at me.

Oh, Michelle, I'm sure he
didn't mean anything by it.

Come on, we're still gonna
have fun at the family picnic.

Uncle Jesse's not nice anymore.

[♪♪♪]

[PLAYING THE BRADY
BUNCH THEME SONG]

[BANGS PIANO KEYS]

I've just written The
Brady Bunch theme.

Maybe no one will remember.

What am I saying?

♪ And we'll all have
Chicken and dumplings ♪

♪ When she comes
When she comes ♪

♪ And we'll all have
Chicken and dumplings ♪

♪ And we'll all have
Chicken and dumplings ♪

♪ And we'll all have
Chicken and dumplings ♪

♪ When she comes
When she comes ♪

One more time.

♪ She'll be comin'
'Round the mountain... ♪

[GROANING]

All right, all right.

Are we there yet?

No, honey, we're
not at the motel yet.

When will we be there?

ALL: When we get there.

I was just asking.

Don't have a cow.

I think what Michelle's
trying to say is

she has to go to the bathroom.

No, I don't.

All right, I do. Please,
Danny, I'm dying.

Joey, didn't I say not to
drink that thermos of Tang?

But Danny...

Hey, don't make
me come back there.

Dad! Kimmy's looking at me!

No, I'm not.

Kimmy, stop
looking at Stephanie.

Something stinks.

BECKY: Well, we're
in the woods, honey.

It's probably a skunk.

D.J.: I know that smell.

Kimmy, put your shoes back on.

JOEY: Oh, give me a break.

Fresh cup of coffee,
black, and keep it coming.

[SIGHS]

Switch to decaf, will ya, son?
You're jangling my nerves.

I'm sorry, I just have
a lot on my mind.

Hey, sonny, make me
one of those sprout salads.

And put the lo-cal
dressing on the side, will ya?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I lost 72 pounds
on this diet, man.

I got sprouts coming
out my sideburns.

You know, you
look exactly like...

Well, no, you're gone.

I mean, you're not gone,
you're here, but I mean...

Uh, never mind
me. I'm... I'm just...

I'm having a bad day. I...
Go ahead, finish your salad.

You... You don't wanna
hear my problems.

Probably not.

My problem is my family.

They're driving me
nuts, so I blew up at 'em.

See, I finally got a
shot at a record deal,

but I gotta come up with
one really great song.

And they're all mad
because I'm not going

to some stupid picnic.

Picnic?

Are they gonna
have barbecue there?

I guess so. But, uh, I don't
have time for that, you know.

My whole career's on the line.

Well, why aren't you
home working on a record?

Well, I'm practically finished.

I just, uh... You know, I
came out for a cup of coffee.

You got nothing, do ya, boy?

Well, I...

wrote a song about
a turtle and a duck.

[CHUCKLES]

Not really top 40, though.

You wanna know what
my real problem is?

Yeah, lay it on me.

See, I got twins coming.

You know, I... I want 'em
to be proud of their old man.

I wanna be a success, you know.

That's why I've
been working so hard.

You know, I want 'em to look up

and see platinum
records on the wall.

Babies don't care
about platinum records.

All they care about is if
their daddy loves them.

If he's there to
hug and kiss them.

Shame on you for
snapping at your family.

Over a picnic?

Yeah.

I also broke a promise
to my 4-year-old niece.

Well, I wish you
hadn't told me that.

You're so busy
chasing your pot of gold,

you're forgetting
what's really important.

If you wanna be a success,
then you be a good father...

a good husband, a good friend.

After that, it's all gravy.

Oh, that sounds good.

Hey, sonny, throw some
gravy on that salad, will ya?

Well, that all
makes a lot of sense.

Thanks a lot. I don't...

I don't know why I
dumped all this on you.

I feel like I know
you or something.

Hey, let me, uh...
buy your meal, huh?

Thank you, thank you very much.

I swear, the way you said,

"Thank you, thank
you very much."

You remind me so much of...

I know. Wayne Newton.

Thanks a lot.

You have a nice night.

Listen, son, it's kind
of cold out there.

You might need this.

Now, you take care of business.

Hey, son, throw
some gravy, come on.

Thank you.

Let me see them mushrooms.

I hope they can fix the van.

What if they can't?

What if we're
stuck here forever?

In that case, we're bear snacks.

All right, Danny, I think
I got it. Give it a try.

[BANGS]

Aw, Joey!

All right, we did it!

We got the hood open.

Oh, man. No wonder
we broke down.

It's filthy under here.

We're in big trouble.

Somebody's coming.

I hope it's the ice cream man.

Hi.

All right. Yay, yay.

Honey, what are you doing here?

I was gonna meet
you guys at the picnic.

Something wrong with the van?

Yeah, the engine is filthy.

Come on, have
a look for yourself.

Oh.

Joey, give it a start.

Okay.

[ENGINE STARTS]

BECKY: All right.

Yeah.

All right, turn it off.

It's just a loose
distributor cap.

Which you never would've found

if I hadn't of gotten
the hood open.

Look, guys, you'll never guess
who I met today in a diner.

Who?

It's a guy. He
looked exactly like...

Wayne Newton.

But, uh, we got to
talking, and, um...

I'm sorry I snapped
at you guys today.

I just got so wrapped
up in this record deal...

You know, riding
around on my high horse.

That I forgot about the things

that are important
to me in my life.

And that's the people I love.

You guys.

So, uh... I hope
you can forgive me.

Oh, of course I can forgive you.

You can let go now, Kimmy.

Jess, don't be so
hard on yourself.

We know what kind of
pressure you've been under.

No, we don't.

Come on, Michelle.

Can't you forgive
your Uncle Jesse?

Your name is Uncle Meanie.

You're still mad at me, huh?

Duh.

Well, I deserve a "duh."

I'm sorry I let you down, kid.

You yelled, and
you broke a promise.

Well, if it makes
you feel better,

I felt terrible all day.

That helps a little.

All right then, how about this:

You and I, we're gonna
enter that balloon race,

and we are gonna win, and
we are gonna have the most fun

we ever had in our whole
life. How do you like that?

That helps a lot!

All right, munchkin.

Come on, give me a little love.

Excuse me. Everything okay here?

Yes, officer.

Okay, that's it then.
Why don't we go?

Everybody in the van. All right.

Dad, haven't you
polished that long enough?

You're starting to
wear off the inscription.

But I'm just so darn
proud of you guys.

It was almost a total sweep.

We took the balloon relay
and the three-legged race.

Too bad about the
pie-eating contest, huh?

Danny, we're really
sorry we let you down.

Hey, who would've
known when Aunt Phyllis

took out her dentures like that,

that she could gum
down a pie that fast?

Hey, everybody, come
down to the studio.

I want you to check
out this new tune.

Okay.

All right, guys, this is the
world premiere of this tune.

I don't know if the record
company's gonna like it,

but I'm very proud of it.

And I'll tell you
something, I, um...

I couldn't have done
it without you guys.

Goes a little
something like this:

♪ Sometimes you
lose Your place ♪

♪ And all You're
searchin' after ♪

♪ Is right before your face ♪

♪ Riding on your high horse ♪

♪ Believing your own lies ♪

♪ Don't you know When
everyone is kneeling ♪

♪ We're all the same size ♪

♪ Just a little more love
Is all we're hoping for ♪

♪ Just a little more
peace Is all we need ♪

♪ Take away the colors ♪

♪ Don't you understand
It all breaks down ♪

♪ To the heart of the man? ♪

♪ All one ♪
♪ All one ♪

JESSE: ♪ All one ♪

♪ Think how strong we'd be ♪

♪ If you and me Give
a little more love ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Break it down!

♪ Take away the colors ♪

♪ Don't you understand
It all breaks down ♪

♪ It all breaks down
To the heart, child ♪

♪ All of the one All one ♪

♪ Ooh, all one ♪

♪ Think how strong we'd be ♪

♪ If you and me Give
a little more love ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ It ain't that tough To
give a little more love ♪

♪ Love ♪
♪ Take away the colors ♪

♪ Don't you understand
How strong we'd be ♪

♪ If you and me Give
a little more love ♪

♪ Love ♪
♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪