Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 4 - Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone? - full transcript

All right, it's finally
finished, Michelle.

My new brand-new
studio. What do you think?

Look at this. I got a 16-track,
keyboards, a big console.

Oh, look at this drum
machine. You'll like this, watch.

Huh?

Pretty cool, huh?

You've got better
toys than I do.

All right, to show my
appreciation to your dad

for letting me build
a studio down here

I got a great idea.
We'll do a song.

What song you wanna sing?



Let's sing the spelling song.

All right, the
spelling song it is.

Here we go. One, two,
one, two, three, four.

♪ A-B-C-D... ♪

Cut!

Not that spelling song.

The co-o-o-ol spelling song.

[DRUM MACHINE PLAYS ROCK BEAT]

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

♪ Find out what it means to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me Sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me Sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me ♪

Whoa. Ho... Hold it,
hold it, Michelle, hold it.



I'm sorry, but I just love
those "sock it to me's."

♪ Sock it to me Sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me Sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me
Sock it to me... ♪

[GIGGLING]

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Kimmy, you've gotta tell me.

This is a nightmare.

What's a nightmare?

Uh... This whole
savings-and-loan crisis.

Why are you hiding
behind the counter?

Oh, I... I wasn't hiding.

I'm, uh, cleaning my
cleaning products.

Oh, yeah, it's Friday.

Boy, Mr. T, you sure know
how to kick off a weekend.

See ya.

Hey, come back here, you.

Okay.

Spill it, Kimmy.

Why is everybody talking
about me behind my back?

Because they don't have the
guts to tell you to your face.

Well, gotta go.

Get back here, you coward.

Kimmy, start talking.

Uh...

I love what you've done
with your new room.

All you need now is a
poster of Patrick Swayze

on your ceiling.

[SIGHS]

Just kick back

and hope the
Scotch tape gives out.

Kimmy, please, I'm desperate.

Look at this card I
got from Kathy Santoni.

"My thoughts are with you
during your mega-crisis."

I can't believe it.

I'm having a mega-crisis,
and I don't know what it is.

Deej, sit down.

I guess it's better

if you hear this
from your best friend.

The word that's going around is

you're the worst
kisser in school.

I am not.

Who said that?

Todd Mitchell.

Todd Mitchell?

I could kill him.

He walked me
home from the library.

He tried to kiss me,
but I didn't want to.

So I turned my cheek,

and he slobbered
all over my ear.

Ew! He doggy-kissed you.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in.

No, wait.

So, honey, how was school today?

Fine, Mr. T, and
thank you for caring.

Deej, you seemed a
little upset downstairs.

I just want you to remember

that you can talk to
me about anything.

Well, Dad, there is
something I wanna say to you.

Oh, great, great.
I'm right here, hon.

Kimmy and I wanna be alone.

Fine. Great.

That's... That's a good idea.

What's important
here is we've...

We've opened up the
door for communication.

Right, Dad. Bye.

Bye.

Damage control.

This bad-kisser thing could
ruin my social life forever.

Just how far has
this rumor gone?

Hard to say.

I heard it from my
algebra teacher.

Living on this side of the
room is gonna be so cool.

I got the cool window,
the cool closet,

and the cool mirror
to look at my cool self.

I'm cool too. Look at this.

You're not hanging up
Barney the Bear in my room.

It's my room too.

Yes, it is.

And I have the perfect
spot to hang Barney.

Right inside the closet

where he can
hibernate all winter.

Hey, is this a trick?

Michelle, bubee,
baby, would I trick you?

Yes, you would, and
don't call me bubee.

Hey, girls.

Steph, did you
happen to hear D.J.

mention anything that
might be bothering her?

Dad, I live with a
kindergarten kid now.

The only hot rumors I hear are

who put their mouth
on the water fountain.

Daddy, could you put
Barney over my bed?

You bet I can, honey.

I will tack him up right over
here where nobody can miss him.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Oh, careful,
Danny. Careful, Danny, careful. Ohh.

Thank you, Danny,
that felt good.

Don't you think
Barney looks cool?

[NORMAL VOICE] The coolest.

I know some tricks too, bubee.

[KNOCKING]

D.J.?

[WHISTLING]

Hi, Daddy.

Michelle.

Don't scare Daddy like that.

Daddy just got whiplash.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just, uh... I'm
putting away some laundry.

But laundry day is Monday.

Yeah, well, I switched
it with dusting day.

You know, just to
keep life exciting.

Okay.

All right, observe
very carefully

as I screw in this light bulb.

Okay, all right, okay?

I only wish the twins
were already born.

They'd be so proud of their dad.

Very cute. Now, come on,
this is very important to me.

When the light is on, it
means that I am recording,

and I'm not to be disturbed

for anything whatsoever.

What if Godzilla attacks, like
in those old Japanese movies?

[IMITATING GODZILLA]

Godzilla is attacking.
We must inform Jesse.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

We can't. The red light is on.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

You are the
mother of all idiots.

Your insults have
no effect on me.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Jess, this is a big moment.

I know, the first time
working in my new studio.

No, I'm talking
about our partnership.

You and I were in the
ad business together

for three years.

And now you're
committed to your music.

I'm going back to
my comedy full-time.

It's the end of an era.

I'll miss you, man.

Joey, Joey, please!

Joseph. Get a grip, okay?

We... We live in the same
house, we'll see each other.

Now, run along upstairs,
the red light is on,

that means I'm
not to be disturbed.

Go, go, go. Go. I
love ya, I miss ya.

Okay, go.

Okay, fine.

I can take a hint.

I've a very full and
busy life of my own.

I'll just go upstairs,
make some nachos,

get ready for a
little Yogi Bear.

Uh, Jess, there's
one little problem.

This doorknob came
off right in my hand.

That's impossible.
I installed it myself.

Well, that explains it.

Give it.

It's stripped.

We're locked in here.

Well, we'll just yell for help.

Did you soundproof
this room yourself?

Yeah. Then they'll hear us.

Hey, Becky. Hey.

The guys downstairs?

Yeah. Oh, wait.

The red light's on, that
means they're recording.

JOEY & JESSE: Help! Help!

They're doing the
Beatles' song "Help!"

Oh, man.

I could use some help myself.

D.J.'s having a mega-crisis,

and she won't
talk to me about it.

Well, if she won't talk to you

how do you know she's
having a mega-crisis?

Oh.

Well, I-I kind of, sort of,

saw this card in her sock drawer

when I was putting
away the laundry.

It's not Monday.

Okay, I was snooping.

But it's driving me nuts
that she won't talk to me.

I'll see you later, Dad.
I'm going over to Kimmy's.

Uh, wait, before
you go, honey...

Look, uh,

I have this feeling that
you've got a problem,

and you're not
sharing it with me.

Dad, there's no problem.

Kimmy, do I have a problem?

Well, your dad is kind of nosy.

Look, Dad, I'm fine,
really. I gotta run, bye.

Bye.

Did you see that?

She lied right to my face.

Well, I hate to get
technical, but you lied too.

You never mentioned

your little raid on
her sock drawer.

[SIGHS]

What's happening to me and D.J.?

We used to be so close.

Becky, I feel like I'm
losing my little girl.

[♪♪♪]

Kimmy, we need a plan.

We have to get people to
stop saying I'm a bad kisser.

I got it.

Just make out with
every guy in school

until they change their mind.

Deej, wait a second. Um...

Look, I was just thinking.

You and I hardly have any
time to hang out anymore.

What do you say we,
uh, hang out tonight?

Dad, I can't just
hang out with you.

Kimmy and I have plans.

To do what?

To hang out.

Oh, come on. Why don't
you hang out with your dad?

You know what would
be totally a blast?

We go bowling. [WHOOSHES]

Gee, Mr. T, that sounds nifty.

Are Wally and the
Beav coming too?

Oops.

One step too far.

Later, Deej.

Dad, I haven't been bowling
since my seventh birthday.

Yeah, and you loved it.

Okay, Dad, if it means
that much to you.

Let's go bowling.

That's my girl.

Just let me get my ball,

my shoes, my corn protectors,

then we're out of here.

I can't take it.

That thing keeps looking at me.

That's because he likes you.

Michelle, here's a fun idea.

How would you like to
be in the Big Girls Club?

I'm a big girl. I
should be in that club.

You're gonna love it.

It's got a secret
song and everything.

Ooh! How does it go?

Um.

♪ I'm a big girl
You're a big girl ♪

♪ Yadda yadda yadda yadda ya ♪

I like the little dance.

Now, all we have to do
to get in the Big Girls Club

is get rid of all
our baby stuff.

Uh-oh. You mean
Barney, don't you?

There's nothing more
babyish than a toy bear.

Well... Okay. Nice
knowing you, Barney.

I know that this is painful,

so I'll get rid of
Barney for you.

And I'll get rid of
Mr. Bear for you.

Freeze.

Drop the bear.

Now, step away slowly.

You said no toy bears
in the Big Girls Club.

But Mr. Bear is not a toy.

He's a member of the family.

So is Barney. He keeps
the monsters away.

There are no monsters in here.

See, he's doing a good job.

[SIGHS]

Okay, the bears stay.

Are we still in the
Big Girls Club?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Yay!

♪ I'm a big girl
You're a big girl ♪

♪ Yadda yadda yadda yadda ya ♪

I can't hear you.

[IN UNISON] ♪ I'm a
big girl You're a big girl ♪

♪ Yadda yadda yadda yadda ya ♪

One more time.

♪ I'm a big girl
you're a big girl ♪

♪ Yadda yadda yadda yadda ya ♪

You know, If we
get a running start

and crash into that door,

we'll break it right down.

That'll never work.

It will if we hit it at
the exact same time.

That door'll pop right open.

Ah, we got no choice.

We gotta both do it together,
and it's gotta be precise,

all right, so I'll count.

All right. We'll go
on three, you ready?

One, two, three, go.

Hey, the light.

Ow!

What happened to you?

You left the red light on.

No wonder nobody has
come downstairs to get us.

It's a good thing I caught that.

Guys, lunch is ready.

Boy, I thought that red
light would never go off.

You guys are
really working hard.

Jess, I am very, very,
very proud of you.

Ow!

Oh, Deej, isn't this fantastic?

You're doing great, honey.

Dad, all I did was write our
names on the scoresheet.

Well, since the last
time you bowled,

your handwriting
has really improved.

Okay, Dad, you're up.

Right.

Now, sweetheart,
what I want you to know

is the most important
part of bowling

is getting a good
rhythm going, okay?

So first you do that.

Then push off, arm
back, hop and swoop.

Go, baby.

DANNY: Go, baby. Go, baby.

Strike!

All right, the Dan
man still has the touch.

Dad, we're in public.

Oh. You know what?

This is just great.
Why don't we join

a father-daughter league? Huh?

Something to think about

[QUIETLY] very carefully.

All right, now, remember,

push off, arm back,
hop and swoop.

Go, baby. Go, baby.

DANNY: Go, baby.
Go... No, baby. No, baby.

Oh, hey, we'll get 'em
on the next ball, honey,

don't worry about it.

That's why I'm here, to
help you with your problems.

Whether they be in bowling,

at home... or, uh, at school.

Any of those pertain to you?

Dad, for the
millionth time, I'm fine.

Second shot.

Okay, now, remember, Deej.

I know. Stop, drop and roll.

No, that's what you
do in case of a fire.

It might work here,
though. Go ahead.

DANNY: Go, baby.
Go, baby. Go, baby.

All right, one big one!

High-five, low-five,
on the side.

Dad, no one does that anymore.

Oh. Sorry.

I just got carried away with
all this father-daughter fun.

Okay.

Hey, Deej!

The pins are that way, Mr. T.

What a nice surprise.

D.J., we have to get
to the mall right away.

Dad, aren't you up?

Oh. Right.

Guess who's down
at the food court

spreading more rumors about you?

Todd Mitchell.

[SCOFFS] We have
to put a stop to this.

Hey, Dad.

You know, this has
really been a lot of fun,

but do you mind if I go
down to the mall with Kimmy?

Right now?

Deej, we're only in
the second frame.

I paid for 10.

Well, one of my
friends really needs me.

Thanks for understanding.

You're the best, Dad.

I won't be out too late.

GIRL: This is so much fun.

Let's join that
father-daughter league.

You bet, sweetheart.

Hey, Dad?

All right, D.J., you're back.

Can I borrow 10 bucks?

Oh, sure.

Here you go. Thanks.

High-five.

[PINS CRASH]

Daddy, Daddy, I got a strike!

That's my girl.

I love you, Daddy.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Deej.

Was, uh, everything
all right at the mall?

Yeah, fine.

Deej, don't you
think we should talk?

Okay.

So how did you bowl?

No, not about that.

I mean, what's
going on with you.

I know you're having
some kind of problem.

Dad, give me a
break, it's no big deal.

Since when is a
mega-crisis nothing?

Mega-crisis?

Where did you get that?

Oh, I... I don't
know. It just...

It kind of popped
into my head just now.

You mean you just
popped into my sock drawer

and went through
my personal property.

How could you do that?

Deej, it was an accident. I
was putting away your laundry.

It's not Monday.

You were spying on
me, and you know it.

What was I supposed to do?
You wouldn't even talk to me.

Maybe it was none
of your business.

What's next, are you
gonna bug my phone?

Hey, I don't like
that tone, young lady.

Well, I don't like you
invading my privacy.

I'm your father,

I'll invade
Normandy if I want to.

Look, just stay out
of my sock drawer,

and stay out of my life.

Get back here right now, D.J.

I can't wait to get
out of this house.

Hold it. I'm not through
talking to you yet.

Well, I'm through listening.

You see? You don't even knock.

You have no respect
for my personal space.

Don't you dare tell
me about respect.

You're yelling at me
and slamming doors.

What happened to
my sweet little girl?

Don't you get it?

I am not your
little girl anymore.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Dad... I don't mean
to hurt your feelings.

I just meant that
I'm growing up.

I don't need to come to
you with every little problem.

Why not?

You used to tell me everything.

That's when I was a kid.

When you were my age

did you go tell your
parents everything?

No.

But they were old.

They were... my age.

Look, Dad, if there's
some serious problem

that I can't handle,
I'm gonna come to you.

Just like I always did.

And I'll be here for ya, Deej.

I know you will, Dad.

I love you.

I love you too.

I'm sorry,

I should have
never read that card.

Besides, switching laundry day

threw off my whole
cleaning schedule.

It's okay.

So you really wanna
know about my mega-crisis?

Hey, I don't wanna pry.

I'm dying to know.

Well, see, I got this rep

as the worst
kisser in the school.

Oh, thank God.

Dad, that is not a good thing.

Oh, right, that's bad, right.

You see, I never
even kissed this guy,

but he started
spreading this ugly rumor.

So Kimmy and I tracked
him down at the mall.

Kimmy got him in a
headlock, and I threatened him

with a squirt bottle of mustard

until he told
everybody the truth.

[CHUCKLES] Well,
he did the right thing.

You know, those
stubborn mustard stains

are murder to get out.

Deej, I know you're
kind of busy right now

but wouldn't it be nice

if we could both
set aside some time

just to hang out with
each other once in a while?

Sure, Dad.

Let's go get some
frozen yogurt. My treat.

Do you mind if I
drive? I'm gonna get

my learner's permit
in a couple months.

Oh, man, it never ends.

I'll tell you what, I'll drive.
You can work the radio, okay?

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪