Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 24 - Girls Will Be Boys - full transcript

When her best friend Teddy ignores her for being a girl, Michelle decides she wants to become a boy instead. Meanwhile, Jesse gets a part on Joey's TV show, and DJ catches Stephanie listening in on her phone call.

[♪♪♪]

Well, bon appétit, Michelle.

Oh, boy. "Pasghetti."

I can show you right
now a much neater way

to eat "pasghetti," all right?

Just pick up your tablespoon.

That's right.

Now, using your spoon

as your spaghetti helper,

you put some noodles
on your fork, like this,

and then... you
turn the fork around



and around and
around, until you wind up

with a nice, neat
ball of spaghetti.

Yeah, this is much neater.

Next time, I'm
making SpaghettiOs.

[GIGGLES]

Keep eating.

I gotta clean you up
anyway. [GIGGLES]

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪



♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

ALL: ♪ Oh, he
chucked all the wood ♪

♪ That a woodchuck could
If a woodchuck could chuck ♪

Big finish.

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] ♪ Wood ♪

[CHILDREN CHEER]

This is Ranger Joe
saying love your planet.

Howdy-ho, Junior Rangers.

CHILDREN: Howdy-ho, Ranger Joe.

♪ Ranger Joe ♪

CHILDREN [SINGING
ALONG]: ♪ Ranger Joe ♪

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] ♪
He's the greatest guy I know ♪

CHILDREN: ♪ Ranger Joe ♪

[CHILDREN CHEER]

And we're clear. Gladstone.

Yeah?

Mr. Strowbridge wants

to see you in his office.

Okay.

All right, uh, Teddy,
Aaron, Michelle,

you guys stay right here.

The boss wants to see me.

Are you in trouble?

I can't be in trouble.

I-I bought him a big, gigantic
cheese log for Christmas. Heh.

So why are you
sweating, Ranger Joe?

Well, that's because

I'm working under
these hot lights,

and sweat is the body's
natural cooling system. Heh.

You're a nervous wreck.

I knew I should have
bought him the beer sausage.

Hey, Teddy, wanna
play at my house today?

No. I'm playing at
Michelle's house.

She's my best friend.

Yuck!

What is your problem?

You're a girl.

Duh.

I don't play with girls.

But I'm a fun girl.

You should play
at Michelle's house.

They have great stuff

in their refrigerator.

AARON: Well... okay.

But I better not
get girl cooties.

You got a bad attitude.

She's right.

[♪♪♪]

Give me five, give me five.

DANNY: You sure?
He's always there.

[LAUGHING] Hey.

Hi, honey. Check this out.

I just taught the boys
how to play catch.

Honey, how can they play catch?

They just learned
how to dribble.

All right. Our kids
are natural athletes.

Now, you watch this, okay?

Look alive, guys.

Here's the wind
up and the pitch.

It's a Nicky and Alex
double play. All right.

These kids are headed
for the big leagues.

Yeah. Long as they
can wear those bibs.

Come over here. Good catch.

I missed you.

Come on in, kids. Hi, Daddy.

Hey, cutie.

Mm. Mwah. Mwah.

Let's play superheroes.

I'll be Batman.

I'll be Superman.

I'll be the Little Mermaid.

That's not a superhero.

That's a fish.

Well, Aaron, how about if
Michelle is Wonder Woman?

That's impossible.

She doesn't have black hair.

What was I thinking?

You could be Superman's mother.

What does Superman's mother do?

She lays out Superman's pajamas.

Big wow.

Come on, let's go!

Hey, superheroes...
no running on the steps!

Okay, let me have him. Hm.

Come on, big leaguers,
time to hit the showers.

Oh, Nicky, nice drool.

You can use that
for your spitball. Hm.

How did the show go, Joe?

Uh, the show went great.

My meeting with
Strowbridge was a disaster.

He says I need a sidekick.

Uh, that's a good idea.

Instead of talking
to kids all the time,

you'll have an adult.

Get some snappy banter going.

You know, you're right.

There's only one
guy perfect for the job.

Me? Yes.

No. Yes.

No. Yes.

No.

Boy, can banter
get any snappier.

Come on, Jess, you
could do all the music.

Put a band together.
Be my posse.

No, no, no, no. I-I don't
wanna be some dorky ranger

dressed up like an
overgrown Cub Scout.

No offense.

Jess, you don't have
to be some dorky ranger.

You could be somebody
macho and rugged,

like a lumberjack.

Lumberjack Jess.

No, Joseph, I'm not...
Lumberjack Jess. Ah?

Yeah, I could live with that.

Plus, I need the
money. Well, great.

You start tomorrow.

Welcome aboard.

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK]:
Get it? A board is made of wood.

Board, wood. It's a wood pun.

I got a million of them,
and you'll hear 'em all.

Ow!

♪ Lumberjack Jess ♪
Okay.

♪ Lumberjack Jess ♪
Get the beaver off my shoulder.

I'm not a beaver.

[RINGS]

It's for me.

Hi, Kimmy. D.J.,

why doesn't Kimmy call
you on your own phone?

Oh, I just left her house.

She knew I wouldn't
be upstairs yet.

You will never guess what I...

Can I have some privacy, please?

Oh, sure, I'll just go

hide in the hamper for a while.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh. No problem.

You will never guess what
I heard from Kathy Santoni.

KIMMY: Oh, that's hilarious.

[LAUGHS]

I can't believe
it. Tell me more.

And there's this
rumor going around

that Roxanne is stuffing her
bra with two-ply paper towels.

Because during lunch today,
she spilled juice on her blouse,

and it absorbed... [SNAPS]

like that.

KIMMY: No kidding.

[GUM POPS]

Uh... So, Kimmy, what's
going on for the weekend?

Mom's got the roller derby
championships. Wanna go?

Oh, I just remembered
what I wanted to tell you.

Um, you know how Stephanie's
always reading my diary

and going through all my stuff?

She's the queen of the sneaks.

I've come up with
the ultimate revenge.

She won't know where,
and she won't know how.

But when she least expects it:

boom!

What's going on?
What did she do?

No, Kimmy, I just
said all that stuff

because I'm gonna
teach Stephanie a lesson.

No, I don't need your
mother's stun gun.

I'll call you later.

I'm dead, I'm dead,
I'm dead, I'm dead.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no.

Hey, Steph.

[SCREAMS]

What's wrong? You
seem a little tense.

Me? Uh... Nope. No
tension here. Heh.

Cool as a cucumber.

Oh, good.

Well, do you wanna
go up to my room?

We can play that new
computer game I got.

Your room?

Alone? No witnesses?

I don't think so.

Okay. Well, I'll
get you... Uh...

Catch you later.

I'm doomed.

AARON: Superman!

[IMITATING FLYING NOISES]

TEDDY: Batman!

MICHELLE: Superman,

Batman, your breakfast is ready.

Thanks, Superman's mother.

Your pancakes are delicious.

Let's play wrestling now.

I'm the Ultimate Warrior.

[GROWLS]

I'm the Macho Man.

[GROWLS]

Don't tell me, I'm the
Macho Man's mother.

You got it.

[BOTH GROWLING]

Freeze.

It's my room, and I
say we play house.

I love playing house.

Playing house is for girls.

I hate playing house.

Let's play guns.

Don't you listen?
We're playing house.

Okay. Let's play house,

and blow it up with our guns.

[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]

Baby Love Button is not a gun.

Come on, Teddy.

Come over to my house.

I got phasers.

Cool.

But what about Michelle?

Yeah, what about Michelle?

If you play with her,

I'll tell the whole school
that you're a girl lover.

I don't want that.

Sorry, Michelle.

Way to go, Teddy.

Come on, let's be men.

[BOTH GROWL]

I lost my best friend.

[♪♪♪]

Okay. Now, Lumberjack Jess

lives in the Enchanted
Forest. Right.

So he should be fun and magical.

And bring joy to the
children of the world.

Fun, magic and joy, okay.
And have fun. And have fun.

See. Yeah, fun. Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Uh... Uh, howdy-ho,
kids. I'm Lumberjack Jess.

I'm Tinkerbell.
Now I'm Tinkerbell.

Well, I never said
sprinkle fairy dust.

Uh, fun, magical,
and... And be manly.

Strong, you know.

What do you know
about being manly?

You still wear footsie pajamas.

Hey, my feet get cold.

Does that make me
any less of a man?

It's not the footsies
that bother me.

It's that trap door in back
with the missing button.

Can I hang out with you
guys? My friends went home.

Oh, sure, Michelle,
you can hang out.

Lumberjack Jess here

is learning how
to be a real man.

You could learn how to be a man?

I gotta see this.

All right. You guys wanna
see a manly character? Mm-hm.

Watch this. Okay.

I'll show you a manly character.

[CLEARS THROAT, SPITS]

[IN MASCULINE VOICE]
Hi. I'm Lumberjack Jess.

I walk with a manly swagger.

Because I have a manly job.

I like to pull up
my manly pants.

Scratch my manly scratch.

And when I see a friend,

I like to give him
a manly punch.

Yo, Joseph.

And then, I like to have
a laugh at his expense.

[LAUGHS]

I have a question.

What makes boys
different than girls?

There's... Well, okay.

Boys... Y-yeah, boys and g...

Girls and then...

Take the birds
and the bees for...

And flowers. Right,
and throw in flowers...

Flowers.

Yeah, you know... Why
don't you just tell her?

Michelle, you know,
uh, a question like that

can only be answered
by a manly man.

[CHUCKLES]

Take it, Jess.

[LAUGHS]

Ahem. All right, uh,
so... [CLEARS THROAT]

What you're asking is, uh,

what's the difference
between, uh, boys and...

And girls, right?

That's the question.
What's the answer?

Yeah, I figured you'd be
asking that. All right, well,

uh, okay, there's
a lot of differences.

For instance, uh, boys
get to lead when you dance.

Um... Oh, right.

See, boys can grow a little
mustache and a little beard.

And, oh, the best part is...

The best part is, at a concert,

or, say, a ball
game or something,

the lines at the men's
room are so much shorter.

Being a boy sounds like fun.

Phew. It's the funnest.

[CLAPS ONCE] So, uh...

does that answer your question?

Yes, it does.

Oh, thank God.

Stephanie. [SCREAMS]

I have something for you.

I don't want it.

Yes, you do. Here.

What's wrong?

It's your favorite dessert.

A double-fudge-chocolate
homemade brownie

just for you, my loving sister.

I baked it myself.

You want me to eat that?

Sure.

You mean, chew
it up and swallow it,

and have it go through
my bloodstream?

Steph, you're acting like

I'm trying to poison
you or something.

Try it. It's really good.

Well, thank you, D.J.

I'll just take this
non-poisonous brownie

and throw it out
in the backyard!

Because I know
you're out to get me.

What are you talking about?

I listened in on
your phone call.

Stephanie, I'm shocked.

What did you hear?

Your evil plot.

But it's gonna take
more than a brownie

to do me in.

I already did you in.

Huh?

Huh. I saw you eavesdropping,

so I made up all
that revenge stuff

just to drive you crazy.

Well, it just so
happens... it worked.

Well, I hope you
learned your lesson.

I sure did.

Your personal life
is your own business.

And I'll never listen in
on your phone calls again.

Good.

I'll just read about
it in your diary.

What? Oh, nothing.

Come on in, kids.

Hey, Michelle!

Teddy and Aaron are here.

Why are we here?

Michelle said she had
a big surprise for us.

Oh, yeah. It better be good.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Hey, Teddy. Yo, Aaron.

[DEEP LAUGH]

Michelle... what are you doing?

I'm a boy now.

Let's play guns.

Yeah! Yeah!

Last one up the
stairs is a girl.

Whoa!

[CHATTERING, TOY
RAY GUNS FIRING]

Danny, what's going on?

Michelle just said she's a boy.

Oh, Danny, don't worry.

When I was Michelle's
age, I was a real tomboy.

Didn't you ever go
through a phase like that?

You know, uh, one Halloween,

I ac... I actually wanted
to be Julie Andrews.

That doesn't leave this room.

No problem.

ALL: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

[RAYS GUNS FIRING]

I got you, Teddy!

[SCREAMS]

Teddy, are you hurt?

What are you doing?

I'm being the nurse.

This man has a serious owie.

Hey. I thought you
said you were a boy.

So? A boy can be a nurse.

Let's get out of here.

She's not a real boy.

I guess you're right.

Nice try, Michelle.

Hey, you kids having fun?

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Get the giant!

[BOTH SHOUTING, GUNS FIRING]

I got you. No.

Lucky for me, I
just sprayed myself

with my anti-ray-gun repellent.

You were right. He is strange.

Michelle, I didn't mean
to break up your game.

I'm a crummy boy.

Hm. That's
because you're a girl.

Why are you trying to be a boy?

Because Teddy doesn't
want to play with girls anymore.

Oh. So that's
what's going on here.

Look... sweetheart,

I know you feel bad about this,

but you gotta understand.

Teddy is just going through

a stage right now.

What's a stage?

Well, a stage is when
you go through something.

And then, eventually,
you grow out of it.

You once went through a stage

where you didn't like cake.

No way.

It only lasted 10
minutes, but, uh...

you get the idea.

Teddy right now
is going through his

I-don't-wanna-play-
with-girls stage.

I don't like this stage.

Oh. I know.

But don't you worry.

Before you know it, all the boys

are gonna wanna play
with you all the time.

And that's when I go through

my keep-away-from-my-daughter
stage.

I just want my best friend back.

Sweetheart, if he's
really your best friend,

he'll come back around.

Because real friends
like you for who you are.

Who am I?

Who are you?

You... are Michelle Tanner.

You are one terrific person.

You're sweet, you're funny...

you're friendly, you're kind...

Keep going. Hm.

I could go on forever.

You always do.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Come on, Teddy.
Sit with the boys.

Okay. Don't have a cow.

Hi, Michelle.

Hello, Theodore.

Hi, my name's Michelle.

My name's Denise.

Do you like boys?

Nah. Boys are gross.

Yeah, boys are gross.

Okay, kids, come on, let's
put those tongues away,

and let's put on
our happy faces.

Okay, we're on in
five, four, three, two...

♪ Ranger Joe ♪

CHILDREN [SINGING
ALONG]: ♪ Ranger Joe ♪

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] ♪
He's the greatest guy I know ♪

CHILDREN: ♪ Ranger Joe ♪

Howdy-ho, Junior Rangers.

CHILDREN: Howdy-ho, Ranger Joe!

Junior Rangers, it's
a very special day

here in the Enchanted Forest.

Say hello to my new
sidekick, Lumberjack Jess.

[♪♪♪]

[CHILDREN LAUGH]

[SARCASTIC LAUGH]

I told you. They're laughing
because of this stupid hat.

Oh-ho. They're not
laughing at your hat.

Yes, we are.

[CHILDREN LAUGH]

Is, uh, something
wrong, Lumberjack Jess?

Yeah. I feel like
a lumber jackass.

[SCOFFS]

Listen, uh... Uh, Ranger
Joe, I don't really, uh...

I don't really fit into this
Enchanted Forest thing.

Oh, sure you do. Heh.

You signed an
enchanted contract. Heh.

Oh, that's right. And I do need
that enchanted paycheck. Mm.

All right, kids, you wanna
see the real Lumberjack Jess?

You get those rumps
off those stumps,

because we are
gonna rock this forest.

[BAND PLAYS "KNOCK ON WOOD"]

♪ Thunder, lightning ♪

♪ The way you love
me Is frightening ♪

♪ You better knock ♪

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] ♪ On... ♪

♪ Wood ♪

♪ Knock knock Knock on wood ♪

♪ You better knock,
knock Knock on wood ♪

♪ Woo! ♪

♪ Knock, knock Knock on wood ♪

Well, Mr. Woodchuck,
did you like that cartoon?

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] Well,
basically, I give it one paw up.

Because, well,
that's all I can move.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, Lumberjack
Jess, take us home.

JESSIE AND CHILDREN:
♪ Ranger Joe ♪

♪ Ranger Joe ♪

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] ♪ Be back
tomorrow With a brand new show ♪

♪ Ranger Joe ♪

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

And we're clear.

Great show.

Let's go have fun.

Hey, where are you going?

To play with my new best friend.

What's your name again?

Denise.

Denise. And you
can't play with us.

Why not?

Because you're
going through a stage.

I am?

You just wanna play with boys.

No, I don't.

Aaron's too bossy.

Do you wanna be
my best friend again?

I really do.

Yay! The stage is over!

Let's go play at my house.

Teddy!

Are you a girl lover?

Yep. See you.

Hey. Can I come too?

Okay. We're playing
hide-and-seek.

Thanks, Michelle.

You hide, and we'll find you.

Maybe.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪