Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 20 - Driving Miss D.J. - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Okey-dokey.

Now, where did I
put that other shoe?

Hi, Mr. Woodchuck.

I wish you were real.

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] I am real.

Who said that?

I did.

You can't talk without Joey.

Did you ever think he
can't talk without me?

Hello, Joe.



[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] Pay no
attention to that man under the bed.

Joey, you're busted.

[NORMAL] Okay.

So it wasn't
Mr. Woodchuck talking,

it was actually me.

Duh.

Duh.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪



♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[BOTH HUMMING
THEME FROM "RAWHIDE"]

All right. Now,
remember, cow kids,

the very important
code of the West.

Always keep your
saddles dry, now, you hear?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Let's get all dressed up,

and I'll take an
official family portrait.

Oh, no, no, no. I hated
that when I was a kid.

I'm not gonna put Nicky and
Alex through that kind of torture.

Oh, come on, honey.

I saw your family portrait.

You and your father
looked adorable

in those dad-and-lad
leisure suits.

We looked like father-and-son
hot-tub salesmen.

Come on, Jess.

Oh, all right, but I want
my kids to look cool.

Oh, of course they'll look cool.

Now, where are those
lavender sailor suits?

[SARCASTICALLY] Ha, ha, ha.

[HUMMING THEM FROM "RAWHIDE"]

[SIGHS] Hey, Jess.

Hey, how did it go?

Did D.J. get her
learner's permit?

It was a nightmare.

She flunked?

Worse.

I passed!

JESSE: All right, Deej.

I failed. I don't get it.

I copied every one
of D.J.'s answers,

and I still flunked the test.

Kimmy, they give
everyone different tests,

so no one can cheat.

They do?

Uh-huh.

That's what's wrong
with the world today.

No one trusts anyone.

Bye. Bye.

Okay, Dad, let me have the keys.

Deej, you just have
your learner's permit.

You can't drive a car unless

there's a licensed adult
in the front seat with you.

Fine, you can have
shotgun. Let's roll.

Look, uh, I'm just not sure
you're ready yet, you know?

Dad, I took Driver's Ed.

I passed the written
test, and I'm 15.

The state of California
says I'm ready to drive.

Yeah, but the
state of California

doesn't have to sit in
the front seat with you.

Dad, come on.

Yeah, Dad, come on.

I'm sure when you were 15,

you were just dying
to get behind the wheel

of your mom's Pacer.

Not me.

I was perfectly
happy taking the bus.

And my dates were very
impressed with the extra legroom.

Dad, this is really cruel.

Please don't make me beg.

All right.

Thanks, Dad, you're
the greatest. Let's go.

Okay, just let me shower, shave

and, you know, paint the house.

Dad.

Danny.

Okay, okay.

Boy, everybody's so
uptight around here.

I wrote a song about
a duck and a pig.

♪ Oh, Mr. Duck ♪

♪ Oh, Mr. Pig ♪

♪ Quack, quack, quack, quack ♪

♪ Oink, oink, oink, oink ♪

♪ Quack, quack... ♪

Michelle, will you
please leave us alone?

♪ Quack, quack ♪

Rita and I are busy
telling fortunes, okay?

Tell mine, tell mine.

Okay. In the very near future,

you'll be singing a song
about a duck and a pig

out in the hall.

That was easy.

Too easy. She'll be back.

I'm back.

Michelle!

I didn't finish my song.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

♪ Quack, quack, quack, quack ♪

♪ Oink, oink, oink, oink ♪

♪ Quack, quack, quack, quack ♪

♪ Oink, oink, oink, oink ♪

That's enough.

If you don't get out right now,

I'm gonna call the
hairy, scary monster.

Oh, puh-lease.

All I have to do is say
his name three times.

Oh, hairy, scary monster.

That's one.

Is he nice, like the
Cookie Monster?

Are you kidding?

He scares the Cookie Monster.

Because he's the
hairy, scary monster.

That's two.

Uh-oh. Next comes three.

It sure does.

Hairy, scary... Don't say it!

MICHELLE: Joey, help.

Joey, help!

Michelle, what is it?

He's coming!

Michelle, would
you take it easy?

Who's coming?

Stephanie said there
was a hairy, scary monster.

Oh, no, I said it.

Michelle, there's no such
thing as a hairy, scary monster.

That's two. One more
time, and he comes.

Okay, you've gotta
trust me on this one.

I'm gonna say it one more time,

and you'll see that
nothing's gonna happen.

Wait.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay.

Hairy, scary monster.

It's okay, you can look now.

See, there's no monster.

What a rip-off.

Now, Michelle,

when Stephanie was telling you

about this hairy, scary monster,

were you bugging her?

It's... possible.

Well, I think Stephanie just
played a little joke on you

just to get rid of you.

So don't you think you
should forgive and forget?

What are you, nuts?
I'm getting them back.

What was I thinking?

DANNY: Look how
smoothly I'm driving it.

Do you notice? D.J.: Yeah.

Notice my braking? Mm-hm.

I even filled the car
with gas for you, honey.

There's nobody better to
teach you than your old dad.

All right.

Okay, Dad. Hand over the keys.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

First, let's go over
a few small details.

Dad, the keys.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Now, this is an
automobile, Deej.

Hood, headlights, bumper, bugs.

Keys.

Okay.

Dad.

Sorry.

Yes!

Okay, be careful
opening the door.

Okay, seat belts on.

Very good.

Can I be any more responsible?

Okay, and the car on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, aren't
you forgetting something?

Oh, yeah. Radio on.

[CALM CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Dad.

[WILD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Deej. [MUSIC STOPS]

Dad, I have to learn to drive
with music like a normal person.

I don't want you driving
like a normal person,

I want you driving like me.

You just follow my instructions
completely now, okay?

First, adjust the mirrors.

Very good. Now,
Deej, listen to me.

Get your radar out, okay?

Examine the big picture.

Check for traffic,
pedestrians, stray cattle.

Dad, we're in an
empty parking lot.

Are you gonna question
every instruction I give you?

Sorry.

No cattle.

Very good. Now,
secure the litter bag.

This is unbelievable.

Litter bag secure,
sir. Anything else?

No, I guess that
about covers it.

Why don't we just,
uh, pack it in for today,

and let it all sink in?

What? I didn't
even get to drive.

Okay, I guess we can move
on to lesson number two.

Okay. Now,

with your hands holding the
wheel firmly at 10 and two.

That's 11 and one. Ten and two.

Okay, put your foot on the brake

and carefully put
the car into drive.

Okay, now slowly and gently,

take your foot off of the brake

and put it onto the accelerator,

pressing ever so lightly.

[ENGINE REVS]

Ever so lightly!

Put it in park! Put it in park.

Dad, you're making me so tense.

Tense is good.
It'll keep you alert.

Okay, okay, okay, I-I'm sorry.

Let's just start
over again, okay?

Hands at 10 and two.

Foot on the brake.

Put the car into drive,

this time keep your
foot off of the gas pedal.

Let's just master the fine
art of riding the brake, okay?

Oh, this is nice.

There's no need to
be a speed demon.

Dad, I think a snail
just passed us.

Wait, stop, stop!

Now what?

You're heading
straight for that tree.

Don't you see it?

You can't mean that tree
on the other end of the lot?

Dad, I'm nowhere near it.

I didn't say you were near
it. I asked you if you saw it.

D.J., you are never
gonna learn to drive

if you don't listen to me.

Well, I'm never gonna learn

because you don't
want me to learn.

Oh, okay. Okay, that's it.
You are way too emotional

to be in the driver's seat.

Switch places. Out of the car.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Fine.

What are you doing back there?

Well, I'm really not in the
mood to sit next to you.

You don't trust me. You
don't want me to drive.

You don't wanna help me,
so please just leave me alone.

This went well.

Okay, Jess, all ready.
Bring in the boys.

Cheese.

What have you done to my babies?

I took them down
to the Harley Shop.

They opened a new
department: Tykes on Bikes.

What's that on your heads?

Do-rags.

Nice touch, huh?

Do-rags?

Mm-hm.

Oh, my mother's
gonna love this picture.

Honey, I don't want everyone
knowing my kids are baldies.

Sweetheart, lots
of babies are bald.

Not me. When I was born,

the doctor smacked my butt
and gave me a blow dryer.

That figures.

Well, I have to admit, you
guys do look awfully cute.

Okay, smile.

Come here, pumpkin pie.

All right, Nicky,
give me that Elvis lip.

Sorry, Mom.

JESSE: How'd the
driving lesson go?

Ask him.

She's got a serious
attitude problem.

Me? He was screaming
at me like a maniac.

Excuse me, but
that's a natural reaction

when somebody's hot-rodding.

I better go take care of this.

Okay, fellas, now
that he's gone,

what do you say we play a game?

Hide the do-rags.

Let me tell you something,

police officers
have pulled me over

just to compliment my driving.

I bet they were on foot.

All right, Danny,
lighten up now.

You know, teaching
someone to drive,

it should be a fun thing.

You really think so?

Absolutely.

Oh, thanks, Uncle Jesse.

This is gonna be so fun.

Me? You want me
to teach you to drive?

Yeah. Who better?

You know everything about cars.

You're the Road Warrior.

I guess I am, huh.

Well, that's fine with me
if it's okay with your dad.

Is it okay, Dad?

I don't know, Deej.

You really wanna learn to drive

from a guy who's
dressed like a pirate?

It's a do-rag. And
it's gone, okay?

You can trust me.
I'm a father now.

But if you wanna take
her out again yourself...

No, no, no, no. I... I...
I trust you. I trust you.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Just be very,
very careful, okay?

All right, now, Deej, what
have you learned so far?

Uh, how to secure the litter
bag and check for cattle.

Oh, good. Well, if a cow has
to throw away a gum wrapper,

you'll be ready.

Hello, yeah, Governor
Wilson's office?

Yes, hi, Danny Tanner
here, concerned citizen.

Yeah, I was just wondering,

is there any way we can
raise the driving age to 35?

Check it out,

"Doogie Howser reveals
his most intimate secrets."

"Doogie likes tuna
fish and music."

Boy, he really spilled his guts.

Guess what. I'm a cheerleader.

Not now, Michelle.

Gimme a A. Gimme a B.

Gimme a C. Gimme a...

Give me an O-U-T. Out, Out.

Wayyyy out.

This is my room too.

Okay.

I guess I'm gonna have to
call the hairy, scary monster.

Oops.

I said his name once.

I'm not scared.

Oh, really?

Hairy, scary monster.

That's two.

I'm still not scared.

You will be.

Hairy, scary...
Run, Michelle, run.

I don't think so.

Okay, you asked for it.

Monster!

Well, well, well.
Look who's not here.

Okay, there is no monster.

But, uh, get out anyway.

[GROWLS]

[SCREAMING]

Thank you, Joey.

You're very welcome, Michelle.

Joey, we knew it
was you all along.

Right, Rita?

Heck, no.

Okay.

Now, look, you guys
are all even now, okay?

So let's call a little truce.

Steph, no more scaring Michelle.

Michelle, when Stephanie's
in here with her friends,

you gotta give her
some space. Deal?

Deal. Deal.

Okay, here, put
this on, Michelle,

and let's all howl on it.

Ready.

[ALL HOWLING]

Wow, I never thought I'd
be driving your Mustang.

I like to call her Sally.

Mustang Sally.

You know, there's
only 1100 of these

in the whole country,
but mine is the only one

with a complete
set of Elvis lug nuts.

All right. Go
ahead, start it up.

You mean I don't even have
to wrestle you for the keys?

D.J., driving should be

a very calm, cool,
soothing experience.

Now, turn the key,
and let's... cruise.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Listen to that baby purr.

She's talking to you, Deej.

You hear her?

Yeah. She's saying I
should've learned to drive

with you in the first place.

Uncle Jesse, you're the coolest.

I know, it's just something
I've learned to live with.

All right, now, before
you put it into drive,

I want you to... I want
you to feel the vibrations.

Okay, listen to Sally.

That way, you become the car,

and in turn, the car becomes...

you.

Yeah.

I am the car.

Righteous.

All right, now, go
to the lamp post

and make a right.

You mean I get to
leave the parking lot?

This is so cool.

Okay, now, is there
anything I should know

before making
my very first turn?

Sally will tell you.
Now, just simply feel it.

Feel it.

Feel it.

Feel it.

Feel it!

[METAL GRINDING]

My baby, my... It's just a car.

It's just a car.

[TEARFULLY] It's just a c-ca...

I am so sorry. I feel terrible.

I... I promise I'll
do better tomorrow.

[MOUTHS] Tomorrow?

[BRAKES SCREECHING ON TV]

Why am I watching this?

You made it back. How'd it go?

Oh, everything was fine.

Oh, thank God.

Except for the accident.

You got in an accident?!

Well, nobody got hurt. I...

I just put a teeny tiny
scratch on Mustang Sally.

Everything's okay,
right, Uncle Jesse?

Sure.

It's just a c-c-ca...

I should've never
let you go out.

Why can't you be cool
about this like Uncle Jesse?

He's taking me
out again tomorrow.

[SNICKERS]

You know, actually,
Deej, I was thinking,

what's the rush?
I mean, you know.

San Francisco has such
an excellent, excellent

public transportation system.

You know, like I always say,

there's no place like a
bus to make new friends.

I can't believe
you're saying this.

You sound just like Dad.

I passed the test! I
got my learner's permit!

It was amazing.

I took home the manual.

I read the stuff inside.

And then when I took the test,

I remembered
the stuff that I read.

You mean you studied.

Is that what I did? Wow.

[HORN HONKING]

Oh, that's my dad.

He's taking me out for a
driving lesson right now.

[GIGGLES]

What a joker, he's
wearing a blindfold.

For the first time in my
life, I wish I was a Gibbler.

All I wanna do is
be able to drive a car

like everybody else in America.

Why are you guys
making this so hard for me?

Sweetheart, I know I've
been crazy about all this,

but for the last 15 years,
all I've been doing is

trying to protect you.

When you learned to walk,

I covered the whole
house in foam rubber.

I can't foam-rubber
all of San Francisco.

I know. I got estimates.

Deej, if anything ever
happened to you, I...

I don't know what I'd do.

Dad, don't worry.

Nothing is gonna happen to me.

How do you know that?

There's a lot of bad
drivers out there.

Kimmy Gibbler is out
on the road right now.

Deej, listen, I
know how you feel,

but you know, I'm
a father now too,

and so I know
how your dad feels.

I mean, since the
day my kids were born,

I haven't stopped
worrying about them.

Well, it's nice that you
guys are worried about me.

But what am I supposed to
do, ride a bike the rest of my life?

Of course not.

How about a horse?

Dad, you have to let go.

I know, I... I have a
hard time letting go,

but now I have to let go
of you at 55 miles an hour.

But, Dad, the more I practice,

the better driver I'm gonna be.

Danny, she's right.

Somebody's gotta teach her.

It's either us or Mr. Gibbler.

I vote for us.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Uncle Jesse.

All right.

And this time, I'll try
not to be so tense.

Right, and I'll try not
to be so laid-back.

Thanks, guys.
Let's get out there.

Whose car are we gonna take?

His. His.

Fine, fine. We'll take
mine. I mean, you know,

considering I trust
her more than you do.

What are you talking about?

I trust her just as
much as you do.

Okay, fine. We'll take yours.

All right.

Okay, you guys ready?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
we're cool and calm

and belted in really tight.

Now, whatever you do,
don't use the feel-it method.

Just... Just pull out and
take it nice and easy.

Yeah, but not too easy.

You have to drive defensively.

Yeah, but you don't
wanna be uptight.

Are you calling me uptight?

Uptight, paranoid, whatever.

Oh, now I'm paranoid? I care...

I realize that, but...

Hey, if you boys don't behave,

I'll turn this car right
around and go straight home.

Sorry. Sorry.

Okay, signal. Check my mirrors.

Look over my shoulder

and pull out into traffic
for the very first time.

I'm really driving. I love it.

JESSE: She's pretty
good, huh, Danny?

DANNY: Yeah, I'm actually
feeling good about this.

Can I turn on the radio?

DANNY & JESSE: No.

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪