Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 2 - Matchmaker Michelle - full transcript
Michelle and Teddy scheme to couple Danny with their kindergarten teacher.
[♪♪♪]
D.J., D.J., D.J., wake up.
It's Saturday
morning. I'm sleeping.
Then why are you talking?
I'm talking in my
sleep. Good night.
You're missing
Road Runner cartoon.
Meep, meep! Meep, meep!
Meep, meep! Meep, meep!
Hey, Looney Tune.
Hey, cut the meeping.
Michelle, when you
reach a certain age,
you're just too mature
to waste your Saturday
mornings watching cartoons.
Michelle, quick. You're
missing the Road Runner.
Wile E. Coyote
just ran off a cliff,
and he's standing in midair.
Now, come on, let's go,
because as soon
as he looks down,
you know it's gonna be:
[WHISTLING]
Pff.
How come he doesn't
fall until he looks down?
Because that's how
cartoon gravity works.
Now, come on, let's go.
[BOTH MEEPING]
Oh, well, I'm up.
[SIGHS] Meep, meep.
Meep, meep.
[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪
♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪
♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪
♪ Flowers as mean ♪
♪ As you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪
♪ "Don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Michelle, look
who came over to play.
Hi, Teddy.
Hi, Michelle.
So, what are you two crazy
kids up to, a little tea party?
We're gonna play Terminator 2.
[AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER]
Oh, no problemo.
Hasta la vista, baby.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Consider that a divorce.
I'm the party pooper.
I'll be back.
Let's play house.
Okay, I'll be the daddy.
I'll be Uncle Jesse.
Uncle Jesse? You
should be the mommy.
I don't know how
to be the mommy.
Why not?
I don't have a mommy.
You should get one.
Mommies use fabric
softener on your pajamas.
My daddy does that.
Mommies always have
good candy in their purse.
My daddy has
Wet-Naps in his wallet.
Mommies smell nice
and wear pretty dresses.
You got me there.
It's too bad you
don't have a mommy.
You're missing something good.
Yeah, you're right.
I need a mommy.
[VACUUM HUMMING]
Dad, just to save you
some more cleaning,
what's the capital of Ecuador?
Steph, wouldn't it
be better if you just
looked it up yourself
instead of me telling you?
You don't know, do you?
Not a clue.
Dad, I have to write a paper
about what it's like
being another person.
So guess what I'm doing.
I'm gonna live in someone
else's house for two days,
and someone else
is gonna live here.
That sounds like a neat idea.
So, uh, who's gonna live here?
Hola, Mr. T.
Dad, do something.
She's got luggage.
God save us all.
Dad, it's for school.
Every good grade
helps me get into college.
You know, a good
education is highly overrated.
Just relax. You guys are
gonna have a great time
because Kimmy's
not really Kimmy.
Kimmy's gonna be me.
And I'm not gonna be me anymore
because I'm gonna be Kimmy.
Am I going too fast, Mr. T?
I want my little girl back.
Don't look at me.
She's right here.
Okay, look.
I suppose we can give this a try
as long as you
can behave like D.J.
Well, there are a
few slight differences.
I don't do housework, homework,
or anything else
with work in it.
Well, enjoy the new
me. Adios, Tanneritos.
Bye. STEPH: Bye.
So, what do we do now?
You people like
to hug, don't you?
Hey, guys. JOEY: Hey, Jess.
BECKY: Hi, honey.
Can you believe it?
Jesse and the Rippers got turned
down by another record company.
They said our image is too soft.
Where do those jerks
get off calling me soft?
I'm as tough as anybody.
Oh, hello in there.
How are my little
twinsie-winsies?
Did I just say twinsie-winsies?
Yessie-wessie, Jesse.
They're right. I'm a wuss.
Beck, what am I gonna do?
I have a big showcase
tomorrow night
for another record company.
Well, you and Joey
used to be in advertising.
Why don't you get the
old team back together
and come up with a bad image.
What's this bonehead
know about being bad?
He watches cartoons all day.
Are you trying to tell me
that the Tasmanian
Devil isn't bad?
What does he do?
Well, it just so happens, he
spins around and slobbers.
[WHIRRING NOISE]
[TASMANIAN DEVIL NOISES]
You're an idiot,
but I'm desperate.
Let's go.
[AS TASMANIAN
DEVIL] Idiot? Bye, Becky.
Aunt Becky, can we talk?
Sure, sweetheart. What
do you wanna talk about?
How do I get a mommy?
Um, well, first your
daddy needs to fall in love
with a nice lady.
How do you fall in love?
Well, I fell in love
with your Uncle Jesse
over a candlelight dinner
with flowers and soft music.
Oh, it was very romantic.
Was there kissing?
Yes, there was.
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
Oh, it was just a
little good night kiss,
that lasted three hours.
How come nobody kisses my daddy?
Well, that's a good question.
I don't know. I mean,
your daddy's a great guy.
Okay, so he spends
all his time cleaning,
and he talks too much,
especially about himself.
All your daddy needs
to do is find a nice lady
who's a good listener and
who needs a housekeeper.
Now, I'm sure that she's
out there somewhere.
And when he finds
her, he'll fall in love,
and then you'll
have a new mommy.
Do you understand?
Yes, I do. My daddy needs help.
[♪♪♪]
"What It's Like To Be
D.J. Tanner." Day one.
I'm about to discover the
joy of having a little sister.
Hey, squirt, get me
two doughnuts, pronto.
In your dreams.
Don't you get it,
kid? I'm the big sister.
I gave you a direct
order. Now, snap to it.
Excuse me, Comet.
Gibbler, let me tell you
how this sister thing works.
You're a pain in my neck,
and I'm a pain in yours.
It's a jungle in here.
So if you want a doughnut,
you march your little bird legs
down to the kitchen
and get it yourself.
Go ahead, I'll time you.
Ready. Go. Go.
You're losing time.
Comet, there goes one
human you're smarter than.
Jess, it's macho, it's tough.
It's that hard-edged
rock 'n' roll image
we've been
looking for. I love it.
I hate it.
Come on, Jess.
It's totally Nelson.
Ahh!
I look like Cousin Itt.
Joey, think more on the
lines of... Of, like, like, like,
Whitesnake and Ratt and
Poison. Groups like that.
I mean, I need something
that's gonna grab the audience
by their throat
and just rip it apart.
Okay, hold on. I'm
getting something, uh...
What are those
birds that swoop down
that everyone's afraid of?
Pigeons?
No. Bigger, darker, scarier.
I got it. You are Vulture.
Vulture, I like it.
Huh? Yeah?
It's dark. It's vicious.
It's kind of like a buzzard,
but it's got better hair.
Yeah. Ladies and
gentlemen, cover your heads.
Hide your dead and
bandage your open wounds.
Yeah.
Here comes Vulture.
[CAWING]
Come on, do it. Do it. Vulture.
[BOTH CAWING]
Scarier. Darker.
[CAWING CONTINUES]
More tongue. More tongue.
[♪♪♪]
All right, now, children,
it's time to put
away your crayons
and clean up your desks.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Oh, yes, Michelle.
I got crayon on my desk.
Oh, that's all right.
A little cleanser will
clean that right up.
Do you like to clean?
Oh, yes. I always say, a
clean room is a happy room.
My daddy says that too.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
All right, another
day without an injury.
Oh, hi.
Brandon T. And Brandon L.,
here are your moms.
Oh, and there's Michelle's dad.
Hi, Michelle.
Daddy, guess what? Guess what?
What? What? What?
Miss Wiltrout said, a
clean room is a happy room.
Sounds like my kinda teacher.
That is very good news.
Hello, Mr. Tanner.
Nice to see you again.
I'll let you two talk.
[CHUCKLES]
So how's Michelle doing?
Well, she did very
well in art class today.
Unfortunately, most of
it wound up on her desk.
Mmm. Well, do you mind if I
just take this whole thing home
and hang it on the refrigerator?
♪ I got a secret ♪
What? Tell me.
My daddy and Miss
Wiltrout are gonna fall in love.
They are not.
They are too. I'm
getting a new mommy.
[♪♪♪]
Our teacher's gonna
be your new mommy?
Watch this.
You know, if you buff these
desks with a cheesecloth,
I think it'll bring out
the natural luster of
the Formica for ya.
I'll make a note of that.
Right.
Daddy, can Miss
Wiltrout eat at our house?
Well, sure, I guess
if Miss Wiltrout's
looking for someplace to
eat, we'd love to have her over.
How 'bout lunch tomorrow?
Well, lunch sounds lovely.
Perfect. It's a date then.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, little sis,
you know what I learned
from trading places with D.J.?
There's no one I'd
rather be than me.
Except maybe Madonna,
because she's really rich.
Or maybe Julia Roberts.
People say I look just like her.
Kimmy, I'm in the closet.
I've closed the door.
Does that mean anything to you?
Yeah, I should talk louder.
Hola, amiga.
Hey, I like your outfit.
You should, it's yours.
D.J., you're back!
What have the
Gibblers done to you?
Nothing. I'm just trying to get
the total Kimmy experience.
Now, back off, squirt. I just
came back to get my skates.
You didn't tell me it
was roller derby night
at your house.
It's me and your dad versus
your mom and your brother
in the ultimate
grudge-match race.
No holds barred, no time limit.
Watch out for my mom.
She hides an
eggbeater in her pants.
Got it. You know, Kimmy,
it's kind of fun being you.
Hey, Mr. T., pretty
sharp sweater.
Not.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]
He-hey, totally
stony dog collar.
All right.
Wow. Danny, you really fit in.
That Mister Rogers sweater
didn't give you away at all.
Hey, man, I know you, dudes.
Wait till you guys see
the special effects I rigged.
The guys from the record
company are gonna be totally stoked.
Hey, bogus sweater, dude.
Oh, thanks, man. It's
machine washable.
BOTH: All right.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Whoa, I gotta go start the show.
Peace, hippies.
Peace, baby.
JOEY [OVER SPEAKER]:
The Smash Club presents
the world premiere
of... Vulture.
[SHRIEKING]
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
JESSE: One, two.
One, two, three! Yeah!
[CACKLING]
Hey, get me down.
It's stuck. Just
sing. I'll fix it.
[GROWLING]
♪ I wanna rock ♪
BAND: ♪ He wants to rock ♪
JESSE: Joey, get me down.
BAND: ♪ Joey, get him down ♪
JESSE: You're dead meat.
BAND: ♪ He's dead meat ♪
Hey.
What are you doing?
Here, hold him for a
second. Just hold him.
BAND MEMBER:
Hey, I'm trying to play!
Whoa.
Get me down!
Be careful, sweetheart.
JOEY: Just keep
singing, they love ya.
What?
Keep singing, they love ya.
JESSE: Whooooa!
Hey, a one, two, three, four!
[MUSIC STOPS, JESSE CHUCKLES]
BECKY: Way to go,
sweetheart! DANNY: Yeah!
JESSE: Thank you. Thank you.
Rock 'n' roll, everybody. Heh.
Vulture lives.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, come on, Jess, talk to
me. Vulture wasn't that bad.
And the firemen were happy
to get you down. It's their job.
Thanks to you, I got rock
'n' roll's biggest wedgie.
Okay, you don't wanna fly?
You could always burrow up
from under the stage
and be "The Gopher."
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER]
The Gopher.
Oh, there's a real tough image.
Hey, ask any gardener
who he fears the most.
And if you remember back
to the movie Caddyshack:
[AS BILL MURRAY] You
know, you kill those little varmints,
and, uh, you know,
they always come back.
And, uh, you know, it's, uh...
It's kind of a Cinderella
story, you know.
So I got that going for me,
which, you know, it's a plus.
You know.
Man, this whole thing
was just a big mistake.
I'm going back to being
Jesse and the Rippers.
Okay, I'm gonna find some
record company out there
who wants me for me.
[NORMAL VOICE] And if not, you can
always make a living playing Peter Pan.
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Daddy, my teacher's
here. Hurry up.
I'm coming, Michelle.
Here. Women love flowers.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, that's very sweet of you.
Wait a minute.
You look very handsome.
Well, thank you very much.
Now, be nice and
don't talk about yourself.
Michelle, I do not
talk about myself.
Okay, maybe I
do just a little bit,
but that's because when I was 5
I didn't really
have any friends.
Daddy.
Okay, you're right.
I'll, uh... I'll do my best.
Well, here I am.
Hello.
How are you? Good.
Hello, Michelle.
These are for you.
Oh! Dandelions, my favorite.
Daddy is the nicest
man in the whole world.
Well, I don't know
if I'm the nicest man
in the whole world.
Although some people
think I might be the cleanest.
In fact, in high school,
I founded the F.J.A.
Future Janitors of America.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, enough about me. Why
don't we go eat some lunch.
Ah.
This way, please.
DANNY: Oh, look at that.
Michelle set the
table all by herself.
Oh, it looks very pretty.
There's no candles because
I can't play with matches.
Isn't he a gentleman?
Yes. He gets a gold
star for good manners.
[DANNY CHUCKLES]
And she also made
lunch all by herself.
What do we have here?
We have peanut butter
and jelly, and milk.
Uh, sweetheart, there's, uh,
only one glass of milk here.
I know.
Now, you could share.
Have a nice lunch.
Michelle, aren't you
gonna eat with us?
You need to be alone.
["THE ALPHABET
LOVE SONG" PLAYING]
♪ A, you're adorable ♪
♪ B, you're so beautiful ♪
♪ C, you're a cutie
Full of charms ♪
♪ D, you're delightful ♪
♪ E, you're exciteful... ♪
[MUSIC SWITCHES OFF]
She sure went to a
lot of trouble for this.
You know, uh, she's really
doing very well in school.
You don't need
to suck up like this.
Hey, uh, we Tanners
are not suck-ups.
Goody two-shoes
maybe, but not suck-ups.
Well, maybe she just wants
us to be very good friends.
I guess. Bon appétit.
[CHUCKLES]
Are you in love yet?
[CHOKING]
Oh, dear. Here, here.
Arms up. Arms way...
Have a sip of milk.
Mmm. Good boy.
That's a good boy.
Thank you.
Michelle...
What did you just say?
I said, are you in loooove yet?
Michelle... We're just friends.
Then you better start kissing.
Your... Your teacher and I
are... Are not going to kiss
and we're not
gonna fall in love.
Now I'll never get a new mommy.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, I had no idea this
was what she had in mind.
I better go talk to her. Will
you excuse me for a moment?
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Thanks.
Oh.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hi, Michelle.
Hi, Daddy.
I think we have to talk.
I think we'd better.
I'm sorry you went to
so much trouble today.
I wish I had a mommy.
Well, I know you don't remember,
but you had a wonderful mommy.
And she loved you
very, very much.
It's no fair. All the other
kids have mommies.
Well, I know it might seem like
everybody else has a mommy,
but, honey, the truth is, some
people just have a mommy,
or they just have a daddy,
or a grandma, or a grandpa,
or an aunt and uncle.
There's all different
kinds of families.
Really?
Yeah. What makes a family
is when you have people
who take care of one another
and love each other.
You have a very special family.
You have a daddy,
and an Uncle Jesse,
and an Aunt Becky, and a Joey.
I bet nobody in
school has a Joey.
[DANNY LAUGHS]
That's a pretty safe bet.
So you see, in a way,
you and your sisters,
you're pretty lucky.
Because you have four
people who care about you
and love you very, very much.
I love you very, very much.
[♪♪♪]
I love you too.
Come on, let's go have
lunch with your teacher, okay?
Will I ever get a new mommy?
Well, I hope so.
Have you met the school nurse?
She's very hot.
Really? How hot is she?
What color hair does she have?
Hot pink. Hot pink.
[♪♪♪]
D.J., D.J., D.J., wake up.
It's Saturday
morning. I'm sleeping.
Then why are you talking?
I'm talking in my
sleep. Good night.
You're missing
Road Runner cartoon.
Meep, meep! Meep, meep!
Meep, meep! Meep, meep!
Hey, Looney Tune.
Hey, cut the meeping.
Michelle, when you
reach a certain age,
you're just too mature
to waste your Saturday
mornings watching cartoons.
Michelle, quick. You're
missing the Road Runner.
Wile E. Coyote
just ran off a cliff,
and he's standing in midair.
Now, come on, let's go,
because as soon
as he looks down,
you know it's gonna be:
[WHISTLING]
Pff.
How come he doesn't
fall until he looks down?
Because that's how
cartoon gravity works.
Now, come on, let's go.
[BOTH MEEPING]
Oh, well, I'm up.
[SIGHS] Meep, meep.
Meep, meep.
[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪
♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪
♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪
♪ Flowers as mean ♪
♪ As you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪
♪ "Don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Michelle, look
who came over to play.
Hi, Teddy.
Hi, Michelle.
So, what are you two crazy
kids up to, a little tea party?
We're gonna play Terminator 2.
[AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER]
Oh, no problemo.
Hasta la vista, baby.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Consider that a divorce.
I'm the party pooper.
I'll be back.
Let's play house.
Okay, I'll be the daddy.
I'll be Uncle Jesse.
Uncle Jesse? You
should be the mommy.
I don't know how
to be the mommy.
Why not?
I don't have a mommy.
You should get one.
Mommies use fabric
softener on your pajamas.
My daddy does that.
Mommies always have
good candy in their purse.
My daddy has
Wet-Naps in his wallet.
Mommies smell nice
and wear pretty dresses.
You got me there.
It's too bad you
don't have a mommy.
You're missing something good.
Yeah, you're right.
I need a mommy.
[VACUUM HUMMING]
Dad, just to save you
some more cleaning,
what's the capital of Ecuador?
Steph, wouldn't it
be better if you just
looked it up yourself
instead of me telling you?
You don't know, do you?
Not a clue.
Dad, I have to write a paper
about what it's like
being another person.
So guess what I'm doing.
I'm gonna live in someone
else's house for two days,
and someone else
is gonna live here.
That sounds like a neat idea.
So, uh, who's gonna live here?
Hola, Mr. T.
Dad, do something.
She's got luggage.
God save us all.
Dad, it's for school.
Every good grade
helps me get into college.
You know, a good
education is highly overrated.
Just relax. You guys are
gonna have a great time
because Kimmy's
not really Kimmy.
Kimmy's gonna be me.
And I'm not gonna be me anymore
because I'm gonna be Kimmy.
Am I going too fast, Mr. T?
I want my little girl back.
Don't look at me.
She's right here.
Okay, look.
I suppose we can give this a try
as long as you
can behave like D.J.
Well, there are a
few slight differences.
I don't do housework, homework,
or anything else
with work in it.
Well, enjoy the new
me. Adios, Tanneritos.
Bye. STEPH: Bye.
So, what do we do now?
You people like
to hug, don't you?
Hey, guys. JOEY: Hey, Jess.
BECKY: Hi, honey.
Can you believe it?
Jesse and the Rippers got turned
down by another record company.
They said our image is too soft.
Where do those jerks
get off calling me soft?
I'm as tough as anybody.
Oh, hello in there.
How are my little
twinsie-winsies?
Did I just say twinsie-winsies?
Yessie-wessie, Jesse.
They're right. I'm a wuss.
Beck, what am I gonna do?
I have a big showcase
tomorrow night
for another record company.
Well, you and Joey
used to be in advertising.
Why don't you get the
old team back together
and come up with a bad image.
What's this bonehead
know about being bad?
He watches cartoons all day.
Are you trying to tell me
that the Tasmanian
Devil isn't bad?
What does he do?
Well, it just so happens, he
spins around and slobbers.
[WHIRRING NOISE]
[TASMANIAN DEVIL NOISES]
You're an idiot,
but I'm desperate.
Let's go.
[AS TASMANIAN
DEVIL] Idiot? Bye, Becky.
Aunt Becky, can we talk?
Sure, sweetheart. What
do you wanna talk about?
How do I get a mommy?
Um, well, first your
daddy needs to fall in love
with a nice lady.
How do you fall in love?
Well, I fell in love
with your Uncle Jesse
over a candlelight dinner
with flowers and soft music.
Oh, it was very romantic.
Was there kissing?
Yes, there was.
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
Oh, it was just a
little good night kiss,
that lasted three hours.
How come nobody kisses my daddy?
Well, that's a good question.
I don't know. I mean,
your daddy's a great guy.
Okay, so he spends
all his time cleaning,
and he talks too much,
especially about himself.
All your daddy needs
to do is find a nice lady
who's a good listener and
who needs a housekeeper.
Now, I'm sure that she's
out there somewhere.
And when he finds
her, he'll fall in love,
and then you'll
have a new mommy.
Do you understand?
Yes, I do. My daddy needs help.
[♪♪♪]
"What It's Like To Be
D.J. Tanner." Day one.
I'm about to discover the
joy of having a little sister.
Hey, squirt, get me
two doughnuts, pronto.
In your dreams.
Don't you get it,
kid? I'm the big sister.
I gave you a direct
order. Now, snap to it.
Excuse me, Comet.
Gibbler, let me tell you
how this sister thing works.
You're a pain in my neck,
and I'm a pain in yours.
It's a jungle in here.
So if you want a doughnut,
you march your little bird legs
down to the kitchen
and get it yourself.
Go ahead, I'll time you.
Ready. Go. Go.
You're losing time.
Comet, there goes one
human you're smarter than.
Jess, it's macho, it's tough.
It's that hard-edged
rock 'n' roll image
we've been
looking for. I love it.
I hate it.
Come on, Jess.
It's totally Nelson.
Ahh!
I look like Cousin Itt.
Joey, think more on the
lines of... Of, like, like, like,
Whitesnake and Ratt and
Poison. Groups like that.
I mean, I need something
that's gonna grab the audience
by their throat
and just rip it apart.
Okay, hold on. I'm
getting something, uh...
What are those
birds that swoop down
that everyone's afraid of?
Pigeons?
No. Bigger, darker, scarier.
I got it. You are Vulture.
Vulture, I like it.
Huh? Yeah?
It's dark. It's vicious.
It's kind of like a buzzard,
but it's got better hair.
Yeah. Ladies and
gentlemen, cover your heads.
Hide your dead and
bandage your open wounds.
Yeah.
Here comes Vulture.
[CAWING]
Come on, do it. Do it. Vulture.
[BOTH CAWING]
Scarier. Darker.
[CAWING CONTINUES]
More tongue. More tongue.
[♪♪♪]
All right, now, children,
it's time to put
away your crayons
and clean up your desks.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Oh, yes, Michelle.
I got crayon on my desk.
Oh, that's all right.
A little cleanser will
clean that right up.
Do you like to clean?
Oh, yes. I always say, a
clean room is a happy room.
My daddy says that too.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
All right, another
day without an injury.
Oh, hi.
Brandon T. And Brandon L.,
here are your moms.
Oh, and there's Michelle's dad.
Hi, Michelle.
Daddy, guess what? Guess what?
What? What? What?
Miss Wiltrout said, a
clean room is a happy room.
Sounds like my kinda teacher.
That is very good news.
Hello, Mr. Tanner.
Nice to see you again.
I'll let you two talk.
[CHUCKLES]
So how's Michelle doing?
Well, she did very
well in art class today.
Unfortunately, most of
it wound up on her desk.
Mmm. Well, do you mind if I
just take this whole thing home
and hang it on the refrigerator?
♪ I got a secret ♪
What? Tell me.
My daddy and Miss
Wiltrout are gonna fall in love.
They are not.
They are too. I'm
getting a new mommy.
[♪♪♪]
Our teacher's gonna
be your new mommy?
Watch this.
You know, if you buff these
desks with a cheesecloth,
I think it'll bring out
the natural luster of
the Formica for ya.
I'll make a note of that.
Right.
Daddy, can Miss
Wiltrout eat at our house?
Well, sure, I guess
if Miss Wiltrout's
looking for someplace to
eat, we'd love to have her over.
How 'bout lunch tomorrow?
Well, lunch sounds lovely.
Perfect. It's a date then.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, little sis,
you know what I learned
from trading places with D.J.?
There's no one I'd
rather be than me.
Except maybe Madonna,
because she's really rich.
Or maybe Julia Roberts.
People say I look just like her.
Kimmy, I'm in the closet.
I've closed the door.
Does that mean anything to you?
Yeah, I should talk louder.
Hola, amiga.
Hey, I like your outfit.
You should, it's yours.
D.J., you're back!
What have the
Gibblers done to you?
Nothing. I'm just trying to get
the total Kimmy experience.
Now, back off, squirt. I just
came back to get my skates.
You didn't tell me it
was roller derby night
at your house.
It's me and your dad versus
your mom and your brother
in the ultimate
grudge-match race.
No holds barred, no time limit.
Watch out for my mom.
She hides an
eggbeater in her pants.
Got it. You know, Kimmy,
it's kind of fun being you.
Hey, Mr. T., pretty
sharp sweater.
Not.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]
He-hey, totally
stony dog collar.
All right.
Wow. Danny, you really fit in.
That Mister Rogers sweater
didn't give you away at all.
Hey, man, I know you, dudes.
Wait till you guys see
the special effects I rigged.
The guys from the record
company are gonna be totally stoked.
Hey, bogus sweater, dude.
Oh, thanks, man. It's
machine washable.
BOTH: All right.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Whoa, I gotta go start the show.
Peace, hippies.
Peace, baby.
JOEY [OVER SPEAKER]:
The Smash Club presents
the world premiere
of... Vulture.
[SHRIEKING]
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
JESSE: One, two.
One, two, three! Yeah!
[CACKLING]
Hey, get me down.
It's stuck. Just
sing. I'll fix it.
[GROWLING]
♪ I wanna rock ♪
BAND: ♪ He wants to rock ♪
JESSE: Joey, get me down.
BAND: ♪ Joey, get him down ♪
JESSE: You're dead meat.
BAND: ♪ He's dead meat ♪
Hey.
What are you doing?
Here, hold him for a
second. Just hold him.
BAND MEMBER:
Hey, I'm trying to play!
Whoa.
Get me down!
Be careful, sweetheart.
JOEY: Just keep
singing, they love ya.
What?
Keep singing, they love ya.
JESSE: Whooooa!
Hey, a one, two, three, four!
[MUSIC STOPS, JESSE CHUCKLES]
BECKY: Way to go,
sweetheart! DANNY: Yeah!
JESSE: Thank you. Thank you.
Rock 'n' roll, everybody. Heh.
Vulture lives.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, come on, Jess, talk to
me. Vulture wasn't that bad.
And the firemen were happy
to get you down. It's their job.
Thanks to you, I got rock
'n' roll's biggest wedgie.
Okay, you don't wanna fly?
You could always burrow up
from under the stage
and be "The Gopher."
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER]
The Gopher.
Oh, there's a real tough image.
Hey, ask any gardener
who he fears the most.
And if you remember back
to the movie Caddyshack:
[AS BILL MURRAY] You
know, you kill those little varmints,
and, uh, you know,
they always come back.
And, uh, you know, it's, uh...
It's kind of a Cinderella
story, you know.
So I got that going for me,
which, you know, it's a plus.
You know.
Man, this whole thing
was just a big mistake.
I'm going back to being
Jesse and the Rippers.
Okay, I'm gonna find some
record company out there
who wants me for me.
[NORMAL VOICE] And if not, you can
always make a living playing Peter Pan.
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Daddy, my teacher's
here. Hurry up.
I'm coming, Michelle.
Here. Women love flowers.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, that's very sweet of you.
Wait a minute.
You look very handsome.
Well, thank you very much.
Now, be nice and
don't talk about yourself.
Michelle, I do not
talk about myself.
Okay, maybe I
do just a little bit,
but that's because when I was 5
I didn't really
have any friends.
Daddy.
Okay, you're right.
I'll, uh... I'll do my best.
Well, here I am.
Hello.
How are you? Good.
Hello, Michelle.
These are for you.
Oh! Dandelions, my favorite.
Daddy is the nicest
man in the whole world.
Well, I don't know
if I'm the nicest man
in the whole world.
Although some people
think I might be the cleanest.
In fact, in high school,
I founded the F.J.A.
Future Janitors of America.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, enough about me. Why
don't we go eat some lunch.
Ah.
This way, please.
DANNY: Oh, look at that.
Michelle set the
table all by herself.
Oh, it looks very pretty.
There's no candles because
I can't play with matches.
Isn't he a gentleman?
Yes. He gets a gold
star for good manners.
[DANNY CHUCKLES]
And she also made
lunch all by herself.
What do we have here?
We have peanut butter
and jelly, and milk.
Uh, sweetheart, there's, uh,
only one glass of milk here.
I know.
Now, you could share.
Have a nice lunch.
Michelle, aren't you
gonna eat with us?
You need to be alone.
["THE ALPHABET
LOVE SONG" PLAYING]
♪ A, you're adorable ♪
♪ B, you're so beautiful ♪
♪ C, you're a cutie
Full of charms ♪
♪ D, you're delightful ♪
♪ E, you're exciteful... ♪
[MUSIC SWITCHES OFF]
She sure went to a
lot of trouble for this.
You know, uh, she's really
doing very well in school.
You don't need
to suck up like this.
Hey, uh, we Tanners
are not suck-ups.
Goody two-shoes
maybe, but not suck-ups.
Well, maybe she just wants
us to be very good friends.
I guess. Bon appétit.
[CHUCKLES]
Are you in love yet?
[CHOKING]
Oh, dear. Here, here.
Arms up. Arms way...
Have a sip of milk.
Mmm. Good boy.
That's a good boy.
Thank you.
Michelle...
What did you just say?
I said, are you in loooove yet?
Michelle... We're just friends.
Then you better start kissing.
Your... Your teacher and I
are... Are not going to kiss
and we're not
gonna fall in love.
Now I'll never get a new mommy.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, I had no idea this
was what she had in mind.
I better go talk to her. Will
you excuse me for a moment?
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Thanks.
Oh.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hi, Michelle.
Hi, Daddy.
I think we have to talk.
I think we'd better.
I'm sorry you went to
so much trouble today.
I wish I had a mommy.
Well, I know you don't remember,
but you had a wonderful mommy.
And she loved you
very, very much.
It's no fair. All the other
kids have mommies.
Well, I know it might seem like
everybody else has a mommy,
but, honey, the truth is, some
people just have a mommy,
or they just have a daddy,
or a grandma, or a grandpa,
or an aunt and uncle.
There's all different
kinds of families.
Really?
Yeah. What makes a family
is when you have people
who take care of one another
and love each other.
You have a very special family.
You have a daddy,
and an Uncle Jesse,
and an Aunt Becky, and a Joey.
I bet nobody in
school has a Joey.
[DANNY LAUGHS]
That's a pretty safe bet.
So you see, in a way,
you and your sisters,
you're pretty lucky.
Because you have four
people who care about you
and love you very, very much.
I love you very, very much.
[♪♪♪]
I love you too.
Come on, let's go have
lunch with your teacher, okay?
Will I ever get a new mommy?
Well, I hope so.
Have you met the school nurse?
She's very hot.
Really? How hot is she?
What color hair does she have?
Hot pink. Hot pink.
[♪♪♪]