Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 18 - Too Much Monkey Business - full transcript

Danny's zoologist sister pays a visit with her pet chimpanzee.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪



♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪



♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

We'll both get it.

[GASPS]

[MONKEY CHATTERING]

One moment, please.

I'll be right with you.

Daddy, there's a
monkey at the door.

That's gotta be my sister.

Your sister is a monkey?

Heh, heh. Excuse me.

Surprise. Hey, hey, hey, Wendy.

Hi. You're back.

Girls, it's your aunt Wendy
and... And her monkey.

Oh, look at the
monkey. It's cute.

Wait a second.
Is it safe for kids

to be near the monkey?

Oh, absolutely. She's very tame.

I raised her all by
myself from a little baby.

I was studying the
chimpanzees in Uganda,

and I found poor
Ginger all by herself.

Everybody, wave hi to Ginger.

Hi. Hi.

Girls, give your
aunt Wendy a hug.

Hi. Hi.

Let's sit down. I
wanna hear everything.

Hey, come on, Ginger,
let's have a seat.

Dad, we gotta get a monkey.

Honey, you know the rule.
No jungle animals in the house.

Hey, Ginger, can you
do a monkey face?

Eee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

[CHITTERING]

Not bad. Try a chicken.

Bock, bock-bock-bock-bock, bock.

What's going on
he...? Huh, huh, ho...

A monkey, a girl
with blond hair.

It's gotta be the jungle girl.

Hi.

How you doing? Nice to see ya.

Nice to see you.

This is, uh, my wife,
Rebecca. This is Wendy,

Danny's little sister. Wendy,

it's nice to finally meet you.

That's Ginger.

Ho-ho-ho. Whoa. Hi, Ginger.

Listen, uh... [CHUCKLES]

She's got her, uh,
hand in my pocket.

What's her hand
doi" in my pocket?

I mean, I know what
it's doing in my pocket,

but I mean, uh,
why is she doing it?

That's amazing.

Ginger's usually so
shy with strangers.

She must really like you.

Oh, goody.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Okay, that's enough
of that, Ginger.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Nice to meet you. How you d...?

Oh, okay, ooh, yeah.

All right, listen, I'm not a...

I'm not really, uh, a monkey
type of guy. Thank you.

Is this thing tame?

Yes, she's very well-mannered.

Whoa!

And I think she has
the hots for my husband.

Hey, Ginger, he's mine.

[GINGER SQUEAKS] All right.

Aw, Jess, I just
cleaned the coffee table.

Could somebody slide a
coaster under her or something?

Danny, if you're that
worried about Ginger,

maybe I should get a hotel.

Don't you be silly.
I wouldn't have it.

You're gonna stay here with me.

Ginger can get a hotel.

Hey. Joey, look who's here.

Oh, my goodness, Wendy
Tanner, you little cutie.

You have not changed one bit.

Very funny, Joey.

I'm just kidding. Come
on, give me a hug.

Why, so you can stick a
sardine down my back?

Hey, I haven't pulled that bit

since I was in eighth grade.

If you're so worried about it,
just give me a little handshake.

Oh, yes. Ha, ha, ha.

Yes. You can go home again.

Joey, that was so lame.

I'm sorry, I saw you
coming, so I just grabbed

the nearest fake
hand I could find.

That's it, Joey. Wanna pick
up right where we left off? Fine.

♪ I'm calling your mom ♪

♪ See if I even care
See if I even care ♪

Okay, would you guys
just call it a truce, please?

All right, let's
shake on it for real.

Come on, Danny. We got
a lot of catching up to do.

I have a job interview
at 3 at the zoo.

Do you think you
can give me a ride?

I'd love to, but I gotta get to
the station to tape some promos.

Joey, do me a favor. Why
don't you take Wendy and...

And maybe you
can get across town

without trying to
play a trick on her.

Okay. Well, you better
hold my sneezing powder...

my whoopee cushion
and my exploding tuna.

What are you doi" in my lap?

What, do I look
like Santa Claus?

♪ Somebody's got
A monkey crush ♪

Ugh.

I got two words for
you: Banana Binaca.

Not the hair. Watch the hair.

Look what just got delivered.
It's addressed to Tanner.

Rip that sucker open.

Michelle, I don't know
if this package is for me.

But there's only
one way to find out.

What the heck is that?

I bet it's from Africa.

Oh.

It says, "I am Nikata.

"Feed me or a curse will be
brought upon your household.

Enjoy."

What's a curse?

It's a magic spell that
brings a bunch of bad luck.

Then we better feed him.

Michelle, there's no such thing

as magic spells or curses.

So we're not gonna
have any bad luck.

Hey, squirtarinos.

Gibbler's here.
That's very bad luck.

True, but it's not
Nikata's fault. It's D.J.'s.

Listen, you guys. Kimmy and
I are doing beauty makeovers,

so the bathroom's off-limits
for the next three hours.

You're gonna need
three years for Kimmy.

[LAUGHTER]

Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.

This guy is making me nervous.

Michelle, nothing
bad's gonna happen.

It's just a silly block of wood.

[IN DEEP, AMPLIFIED
VOICE] Feed me.

You heard the man. Feed him.

And five and six
and seven and eight.

One. And one and two,

Two. and three
and four and five.

Three...

Oh, come on, Beck,
how trendy can you get?

Baby aerobics?

Jess, it'll help the boys
develop their motor skills.

They'll crawl
earlier, walk sooner.

Who knows, maybe
even potty-train faster.

Double time.

And one and two,
and one and two.

Okay, okay, I think
we've had enough.

Yes, we have. [CRYING]

Come on, boys, time
to hit the showers.

Yes, come to Mommy.

Go to Mommy when you're crying.

Go see Mommy. There you go.

[TWINS CRYING]

Oh, crying babies.

Oh, great, the zoo crew is back.

I think somebody
missed somebody.

Yeah, okay. Okay,
listen. Look, Ginger.

I hate to break it to ya,
but it's over, all right?

I'm a happily married man.

There's nothing going
on between you and me.

All right, okay.
All right, listen.

Listen, listen here.

Now, look. I can't hang
out with you, you know.

You wanna find a playmate?

Go... Go find Michael Jackson.

Look, I'm sorry, I don't
wanna hurt your feelings.

You're a beautiful monkey.
You got gorgeous eyes,

uh, really nice ears,

a winning personality.

It's just that, um,
you're too short for me.

So, Wendy, what do you think?

You gonna take
that job at the zoo?

I don't know,

but I do know I had a
great time with you today.

Oh, me too. Hope I
didn't drive you nuts

with all my animal voices.

No, it was fun. I've
always wondered

what a Tasmanian
devil sounded like.

[IMITATES TAZ BABBLING]

Boy, I'm sorry I played all
those stupid tricks on you

back when we were kids.

The truth is, I
really did like you.

Well, the truth is,
when I was a little girl,

I had a secret crush on you.

Well, what if I told you

I had a secret crush
on you right now?

I'd say... the secret's out.

Hey, you're back.

And you're kissing.

Oh, hi, Danny.

Wow, I... I don't
know what to say, uh...

When you guys left here, you...

You weren't even
friends, and now, uh...

Boy, you're very
friendly, aren't you?

Yeah, isn't it great?

And thanks to you
for gettin' us together.

Oh, hey, don't mention it.

Uh... Joey, why don't you
and I, uh, get dinner ready now?

Wendy, you must
be tired after your trip.

If you want, you
can rest in my room.

All right. Yeah, I
am a little jet-lagged.

Um, Ginger, wanna take
a nap up in Danny's room?

Whoa, w... Wait a minute.

I haven't quite
monkey-proofed the sheets yet.

Oh, don't worry, I'll
take care of Ginger.

I am a monkey expert.

I've read every
Curious George book.

Great. Thanks, Joey. Sure.

Ginger, are you
gonna be a good girl?

[GINGER SQUEAKS]

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

And I'll see you a little
later, you Tasmanian devil.

[GROWLS]

Hey, Ginger, why don't you cop
a squat up here on the couch?

We'll get to know each other.

Hey, what do you say we get out
this month's National Geographic,

see if any of your
friends are in there?

I got an idea.

We could pick
nits off each other.

Joey, we need to talk...

Come on, I'm trying to
bond with the little chimp.

What you're trying to do
is bond with my little sister.

What's wrong with that?

Your sister happens
to be a great girl.

Joey, I wanted the
two of you to be friends.

I didn't want you to try
and make a move on her.

You know, if I didn't
know you better,

I'd swear you didn't want
me going out with your sister.

Look, it's just not a
good idea, all right?

Danny, I really don't
care what you think, okay?

You don't care what
I think? No, I don't.

I'm your best friend, Joey.

Well, you're not being
my best friend now, okay?

I'm as involved as you are.

You're not involved, all right?

It's my sister and you.

Where'd Ginger go?

I don't know. You're
the monkey-sitter.

Why don't you just mind
your own business, okay?

You have no right to
tell me who I can date.

Now, if you'll just back
off and get out of my way,

I got a monkey to find.

Joey.

Don't "Joey" me, okay?

My avocado mask is hardening.

Yeah, I'm turning
into guacamole.

Mmmm, let's scrape
this off with Doritos.

Girls, have you seen Ginger?

Sorry, Joey, we
can't see anything.

Just my luck. I
finally meet a woman

I really like, and I
lose her monkey.

Out of my way, Danny.

We should wake Wendy up.

Oh you'd like
that, wouldn't you?

Making me look irresponsible.
That would play into your hands.

I just thought maybe she knew a
secret monkey call or something.

Okay, Kimmy, one more
minute and I'll comb out your perm

and shampoo in
the special rinse.

I hope you like the color

I mixed for you.
It's very subtle.

Thanks, Deej. I wouldn't
trust my hair to anyone but you.

D.J.: Kimmy, you can't
afford anybody but me.

Good point.

Time's up on our fruit facials.

Okay.

All right, Kimmy,

it's time to make you beautiful.

Oh, Alex. Isn't that precious?

You rocked your daddy to sleep.

Now can you burp him for me?

Mm...

Oh, I'm awake. I'm awake.
I didn't miss anything.

When did we have a baby?

Come on, honey, you were
up all night with the twins.

Oh, hello... Why
don't you take a nap?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

And why don't you join me?

We could turn the lights down,

lock the doors and nap like
we did on our honeymoon.

Mmm, I could go for a good nap.

Have mercy.

I'll be right in. Can't wait.

Okay, you guys, now, I
want you to go to sleep.

And if you wake up,

just talk among
yourselves. Okay?

Hi, Becky.

Mmm. Is that a new perfume?

It's a walk on the
wild side, isn't it?

Mmm.

Can't keep your hands
outta my hair, huh, honey?

Oh, I love you.

Oh, that feels good, honey.

Aw, you know
all the right spots.

The rough stuff
tonight, huh, honey?

Has Uncle Jesse been a bad boy?

Becky.

When was the last time
you shaved your back?

God.

I just made out with a monkey.

Did you see that? Yes.

And, honey, I think I learned
a few tricks from Ginger.

Get over here.

[GIGGLING]

Whoa, I knew I shoulda knocked.

There you are. Okay, come
on. Come to your buddy, Joey.

Oh, man, she hates me. Why
won't that monkey give me a break?

I don't know, but if
you talk sexy to her,

she'll nibble on your ear.

Joey, would you forget about
this monkey for a second?

You and I have to talk.

Danny, there's
nothing to talk about.

You don't want me
going out with your sister.

Joey, would you listen
to me? No, I won't.

Are you ready to take that nap?

Yeah, right after I take a bath.

[GROANS]

D.J.: Well, I think
I've done all I can do.

I can't wait to see it.

Trust me. You can wait.

Boy, do I look that stunning?

I'm definitely stunned.

Doesn't she look
cute, girls? Heh.

You look like Bozo.

She means Francesca
Bozo. That Italian supermodel.

I'm talking about Bozo
with the ball on his nose.

D.J., what did you do to me?

It's not D.J.'s
fault. It's Nikata's.

He's cursed this whole
house. We gotta go feed him.

I've gotta see my hair.

Kimmy, don't.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

I'll pay to have it shaved.

No. No, no, no, I love it.

And finally, I'm one
step ahead of Madonna.

And the best part is, my
mom's gonna freak out.

Thanks, Deej.

Happy to help.

How do we feed him?

You got me. He has no stomach.

He's just a head on a stick.

Here comes Ginger.

There goes Ginger.

Ginger, come back here.

Joey, come back here. Hi, Dad.

Steph, what are you doing?

I'm trying to stop the horrible
curse on this household.

Oh. Well, keep trying.

Boy, tough house
to take a nap in.

Hey, my Nikata bank.

What do you mean, bank?

I bought it for my tacky
souvenir collection. Watch.

Feed me.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

You mean there's no curse?

No, it's just for fun.

See, Michelle, you little
kids will believe anything.

Oh, puh-lease.

[CHITTERING]

Ahh, there you are,
you little missing link.

Okay, now, come to Joey.

Ginger, no. Hey, Ginger.

Hey, Ginger.

Yeah, come on in.

Please?

[SQUEAKS]

Ginger, look.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Just don't look down.

[CHITTERS] Ginger. Ginger.

Joey, what are
you doing out there?

I'm baking bread.

What does it look
like I'm doing?

I'm trying to get a chimp.

Joey, it's dangerous out here.

Would you get in
the house right now?

I'm tired of you
treating me like a kid.

I don't treat you
like you're a kid.

I know what's best for you.

Now, you get in here
before you catch cold.

See? You're doing it again.

Okay. Excuse me.

Now you got nowhere to run to.

Joey, would you listen to me?

No, you listen to me.

I'm a nice guy.
Wendy's a big girl.

She doesn't need you
to protect her from me.

I am not trying to
protect her from you.

Oh, no? Well, then,
what are you doing?

I'm trying to protect
you from her.

Protect me from her?
What are you talking about?

Joey, I don't wanna...

I don't want you to get hurt.

Wendy is the kind of person,

she's totally
committed to her work.

She could pick up tomorrow

and just wind up
halfway around the world.

I've seen her break
a lot of hearts, okay?

Well, I appreciate
you looking out for me.

But I really like Wendy,

and I'm willing
to take that risk.

So would you just do me a favor

and stop trying to be my dad?

I'm sorry.

I gotta learn to let go.

But you are turning
into a fine young man.

Well, thanks.

So would you just be my friend?

I'll be more than that.
I'll be your best friend.

All right.

Hey, Ginger. Ginger.

Come on, open the window.

Would you open
the window, please?

Go get Wendy.

Thank you.

Ginger. Fine.

Get Wendy.

Well, I bet you thought
you were pretty funny

with that little window
gag, huh, Ginger?

[SQUEAKS]

Hey, thanks for
saving us, Wendy.

I thought you were taking a nap.

I couldn't stop thinking
about that job at the zoo.

If I take it, it's gonna
mean living in a big city,

with noise and
traffic and pollution.

Hmm. So you're
not gonna take it?

Well, it also means hot
showers and pizzas...

and my little Tasmanian devil.

So I'm taking it.

All right.

[GIGGLES]

You know what?
You two actually make

a pretty nice couple. Hm.

Aw, it's great you're
gonna be in town.

[SQUEAKS]

Well, we just have
one little problem.

Your monkey's been
hiding from me all day.

I think she hates me.

[LAUGHS]

Then why is she hugging me?

Because her favorite
game is hide-and-go-seek.

Heh, heh, heh.
Well, great. Mine too.

Hey, put her there, babe.

Everything okay? I
looked out the window,

and I saw three
monkeys in a tree.

Oh, good gosh. All
right, okay, I give up.

Let me go get dressed,

I'll dry my hair, and
we'll catch a flick.

[CHITTERS] What's
that? Okay, fine.

We'll go see the
Planet of the Apes.

And there goes
another nice couple.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]