Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 12 - Bachelor of the Month - full transcript

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪



♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪



♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Good morning, everyone.

DANNY, JOEY &
D.J.: Good morning.

Hey, it's Jesse. Remember him?

We've barely seen you
since the twins were born.

How's it going,
Dad? It's going fine.

And it's not Dad. It's...

[MANLY VOICE] Mighty Dad.

[NORMAL VOICE] I stayed up
all night and finished the nursery.

I gotta sweep up the sawdust.

Take the kids'
clothes, fold 'em.

And I got just enough time
for a nutritious breakfast.

Lay some doughnuts on me. Ah.

There you go. JESSE:
And we thank you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah, my ride's here.

BECKY [OVER SPEAKER]:
Come in, Mighty Dad.

Yeah. Read you loud
and clear, Mighty Mama.

We have a
situation in the attic.

You need a backup?

Affirmative. We've got a
number two in progress

from twin number one.

Ten-four on number one's
number two. Over and out.

Girls, I'd like you to
say hi to Vicky Larson.

She's been filling in
for Becky on my show.

Hi. Hi.

Daddy, you're right.
She is a pretty girl.

Why, thank you, Danny.

Hey, Daddy, are you
gonna ask her on a date?

Michelle, where would
you get an idea like that?

From Stephanie.

I heard it from D.J.

I heard it from Joey.

I heard it from Danny.

You see how these
crazy rumors get started?

[CHUCKLES] Girls, I'm...

I'm sure that Vicky feels

that you don't mix
business with pleasure.

Well, yes, I do feel that way.

Well, great, it will
work out perfect.

I won't ask you out,
and you won't say no.

Hey, you guys.

You'll never guess who
Bay City Magazine picked

as Bachelor of the Month.

[JOEY LAUGHING]

Thank God, he
left his clothes on.

Thank you, Kimmy.

Oh, wow.

Hm. What a surprise.

I, uh... I don't
know what to say.

You could say three years
of sending in your picture

finally paid off.

Vicky, I... I hope you
don't think I did this

just as an easy way to
meet women, you know.

Oh, of course not.
You probably did it

to get publicity for the show.

Absolutely.

Having a lot of strange
women chasing after me...

Boy, that's... That's
the last thing I want.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[PANTING] Hi, does the
Bachelor of the Month live here?

Yes, he does,

but you're the
last thing he wants.

DANNY: Hey.

No... Hi. Sorry about
that door in your face.

Come on in. I'm Danny Tanner.

No problem. I'm Penny Allen.

I just jogged over
from down the street

and across the Bay Bridge.

If you're not busy, can I
take you out to dinner tonight?

Sure. Oh.

We can talk about
it on the show.

That'll be fascinating.
[PENNY LAUGHS]

Great, I'll pick you up at 7.

Well, I gotta run. Bye-bye.

Bye.

[CHUCKLES]

Well.

What do you know? I, uh...

got myself a date tonight.

But what about my bedtime story?

We'll fill in for Dad.

Yeah. How often does
Dad have a date anyway?

Not very often.

[♪♪♪]

All right, Nicky, Alex,

you're about to take
your very first look

at your brand-new nursery, huh?

Come, guys. Come with us.

BECKY: Ooh.

Hey. Ah.

What do you guys think?

I can feel the excitement.

Look at this. Look, look, look.

I got you an Elvis mobile, huh?

Watch this. They're
all shook up, see?

Honey, I just hope they
can sleep with the glare

from those sequined jumpsuits.

Oh, it will be okay.

All right. What's
next, Mighty Mama?

Diaper check, Mighty Dad.

Here we go.

Up we go.

[SNIFFS] Ah, fresh as a daisy.

Oh, I got the fertilizer.

Let me ask you
guys a question here.

Now... Now... Now, every
time you're wet, you're dry.

Every time you're
awake, you're asleep.

Every time you're
spitting up, you're hungry.

Guys, you're identical twins.

Do something identical.

Honey, you seem a little cranky.

Why don't you take
a nap. What? A nap?

Two hours of sleep a night
is more than enough for...

[MANLY VOICE] Mighty Dad.

That's the spirit.

Next time, I say
we go for triplets.

[NORMAL VOICE] You
may have to go without me.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, bub. See that Elvis?

"And from then on, all
the other tugboats cheered

"when Melvin, the
littlest tugboat, went:

'Toot-toot.' The end."

When Daddy tells
this story, he goes:

"Toot-toot!"

Toot-toot.

A little louder.

[LOUDER] Toot-toot!

A little softer.

[SOFTER] Toot-toot.

You forgot to pull the handle.

Here's your glass
of kitchen water.

Are you sure it's
from the kitchen?

Taste it.

Yep, that's the kitchen.

Now, we turn on the light.

And we lock your dollhouse.

Sweet dreams. Sweet dreams.

See. I told you we could
do it just like Daddy.

Uh-uh. You need to
work on your tugboat.

Well, I think I'll
have another chance.

Dad made a date for
every night this week.

You got to be kidding.

STEPH: No.

Dad's out having fun right now.

What could be more fun than me?

[ZZ TOP'S "SHARP-DRESSED
MAN" PLAYING]

♪ Topcoat Top hat ♪

♪ Well, I don't worry
'Cause my wallet's fat ♪

♪ Black shades White gloves ♪

♪ Lookin' sharp
And lookin' for love ♪

♪ They come runnin'
Just as fast as they can ♪

♪ 'Cause every girl's crazy ♪

♪ 'Bout a sharp-dressed man ♪

♪ Use that rule 'Cause I do ♪

♪ That's all real fine ♪

CHORUS [OVER SPEAKER]: Wake up!

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Before we bring
out our first guest,

I'd like to give you the update

on Danny Tanner, Bachelor
of the Month, day 10.

[CHUCKLES]

Last night was so romantic.

Amber and I spent the
evening riding bumper cars.

Oh-ho-ho, boy, can
she bump. [CHUCKLES]

Danny, I don't think
our viewers need to hear

about another one
of your shallow dates.

Our first guest for today is...

Excuse me a second, did
you...? Did you just say shallow?

Well, you've been out
with 24 women in 10 nights.

What would you call that?

Quality time.

[CHUCKLES]

Like I said, Danny, shallow.

Oh, I'm sure your
dating life is so deep.

I can just picture you
out with some stuffed shirt

discussing Russian literature
over white wine and Brie.

Oh, I can imagine what
your dating life is like.

"Gee, Amber...

I wonder which bumper
car goes the fastest."

Well, if you'd...?

If you'd like to find out
what I'm like on a date,

why don't you, uh,
experience the real thing?

[CHUCKLES]

Are you asking me out,

right here in front
of all our viewers?

Sure makes it harder for
you to say no, doesn't it?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yeah, why don't you,
uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

come over to my
house tonight and...

And I'll... I'll... I'll
take you out to dinner.

What do you say?
Uh, is it a date?

It's a date.

Great. And then, uh,
tomorrow, you can...

You can tell everybody
that I'm not the shallow,

bubbleheaded bachelor
that you think I am.

Or I can call it like I see it.

Jess, that is the third Cindi
that's called Danny today.

How does he keep all
these women straight?

Well, see I used to use
memory tricks, like, uh...

Like if I went out with
Lisa and she wore lace,

it was Lacy Lisa, right? Mm-hm.

Uh, Heather wore leather,

so, well, that one's easy. Heh.

Uh, and then, like,
Rhonda was like, uh...

Help me, Rhonda.

Help, help me, Rhonda.

Help you do what, Jess? Ho-ho!

[CHUCKLING] [CHUCKLING]

Here, this stuff is clean.

Great, 'cause all
this stuff is dirty.

[SIGHS]

Oh... Does it ever end?

Honey, one more thing.

Don't forget to
change the crib liner,

because Alex spit up again.

Is it my imagination,

or is more coming
out than going in?

I know. It's one of the
mysteries of science.

[SIGHS]

Hey, what happened to:

[MANLY VOICE] Mighty
Dad and Mighty Mama?

We're mighty pooped.

You know, you two should
really pace yourselves.

The twins don't even move yet.

Oh. [BABY CRYING]

Uh, that's a wet cry.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Whose turn is it?

[IN UNISON] Yours.

[IN UNISON] All right, I'll go.

Once upon a time, there
was a lad named Daniel.

And he became the
Prince of the Month.

But Prince Daniel's
cohost, Princess Vicky,

she thought that
Daniel was nothing more

than a shallow maiden-chaser.

So Prince Daniel decided

to sweep Princess
Vicky off of her feet

with his charming, dashing
ways, and make her eat her words

in front of the
whole TV kingdom.

Not your best story.

Wait, I'm not done.

Then the two of them
sailed off into the sunset

on a beautiful, magic tugboat.

Toot-toot!

I do love that
tugboat. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, honey, you
got your kitchen water.

We turn the night-light on.

We lock the dollhouse door.

And we say, "Sweet dreams."

I thought we were gonna play.

Daddy's tucking me in.

Before dinner?

Well, Teddy, I
have a date tonight,

so we're doing Michelle's
bedtime routine a little early.

Now I could get up and play.

This is a strange family.

[DANNY CHUCKLES]

I'll see you in the
morning, honey.

Daddy, can I go on
your date with you?

No. No. Dating...

That's something
you'll do when you're...

well, in your 30s.

Good night.

My daddy's always leaving me.

How come?

'Cause he's
spatula of the month.

If you say so.

I wanna go on my daddy's date.

But your daddy said no.

Then we have to be very sneaky.

Uh, we?

That's right. You're my date.

[♪♪♪]

Uncle Jesse and Aunt
Becky are on their way down.

Is their surprise dinner ready?

[FRENCH ACCENT]
Yes, I made my specialty.

Pork and beans in
a white wine sauce.

Hey, everybody. JOEY
[NORMAL VOICE]: Hey.

Hi, Dad. D.J.: Hi, Dad.

Guess where I'm going.

ALL [IN UNISON]: On a date.

Yeah, but not just any date.

Guess who I'm going out with.

[IN UNISON] Princess Vicky.

Man, I told that
story to everybody.

Bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Steph, sweetie, what
is it? We're very busy.

[POSH VOICE] Ah, the Katsopolis
party of two. Right this way.

Your table is waiting.

There and right over there.

Wow, this is very sweet of you.

Hey, you guys did this for us?

[IMITATING TV
ANNOUNCER] That's right.

Jesse and Rebecca, you've
won a night of free childcare

and a romantic dinner for two.

Pork and beans?

[FRENCH ACCENT]
In a white wine sauce.

Well, thank you.
Thank you, guys.

JOEY [NORMAL VOICE]: All right.

Wow. Boy.

Gee, I can't believe we have
the whole evening to ourselves.

Right, this is the chance to
have a nice adult conversation

without talking
about the babies.

We'll catch up on
the rest of our lives.

You're right. Okay.

[TAPPING ON PLATE]

So how's your music going?

[SIGHS] Well, I haven't, uh,
spent much time in the studio

since the babies were born.

Uh, uh... Babies. [CHUCKLES]

So, uh...

So you miss the Wake
Up, San Francisco show?

Boy, tell you the truth,

since the babies
have been born I...

I haven't had much
time to think about it.

I said, babies. You said it.

Yeah. Right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know, Nicky did
the cutest thing today.

Really? What'd he do? [LAUGHS]

Well, when he sneezed,
he looked like a bunny rabbit.

Oh, I missed a bunny sneeze?

Yeah. I can't...

Uh, we're doing it. We're...

Come on, now,
this is a chance to...

To really enjoy
ourselves. Right.

And let's take
advantage of it, okay?

You're right, you're right.

[BABBLING]

All right, girls, diaper alert.

We have a little problem here,

so let's settle this
the mature adult way.

Rock, Scissors, Paper.

ALL [IN UNISON]:
One, two, three.

Scissors cut paper.
Scissors cut paper.

Joey, you lose. You have
to change Nicky's diaper.

Have fun. Come on. Girls.

Good luck. Hey, come on.

[CHUCKLING] Give
me a break here, okay.

Okay.

[IMITATING POPEYE] All right,
let's see what you got here, Swee'Pea.

Whoa! Oh, gosh.

Nothing sweet about this.

I should change me
name to "Poopeye,"

that's for sure.

Gosh.

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay,

let's get you cleaned
up here. [BABBLING]

Now, I volunteered to do this
out of the goodness of my heart.

So let's have a nice "thank
you" for your Uncle Joey.

[IMITATING POPEYE]
Whoa. Well, blow me down.

Oh, gosh, you missed
me, you little squirt.

Oh, gosh.

[NORMAL VOICE] Well, at least
your mom and dad get to enjoy

a nice romantic
dinner to themselves.

[♪♪♪]

[HORN HONKS]

DANNY: I'm very
excited you agreed

to come with me here, Vicky.

This is gonna be a lot of fun.

Well, welcome to Chez Lyons,

the hippest bistro in
town. [CHUCKLES]

The prices are high,
the portions are small,

and the waiters are snooty.

You're gonna love it. [CHUCKLES]

I can't wait. I hope
the chairs are hard.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, thank you very
much. Right this way.

We did it!

I've never been that
quiet in my whole life.

Me neither.

[BOTH SCREAM]

Much better. Let's go eat.

Sir, your table is
ready. Thank you.

Um, could the lady and I have
a nice booth instead, perhaps?

A booth?

I'm afraid not.
Uh, right this way.

This is a grown-up restaurant.
Let's act like grownups.

This way, my dear.

Good evening.

Thank you.

Good evening. Hello.

Thank you.

Ah, they have the most
delightful pâté here.

You're going to enjoy this.

Would you please tell Frederick
bonjour from Danny Tanner.

Frederick quit a
year and a half ago.

Oh. Uh. Did he leave any pâté?

So, Danny, do you
come here often?

Very funny.

So, uh, what would
you like to talk about?

Politics? Russian literature?

All right. Uh, which
Karamazov brother

did you find most compelling?

Oh, I don't know.

Uh, Hoss? Little Joe?

Oh, yeah, right this way.

Okay, we can go in now.

There's my daddy.

Let's go surprise him.

But there's no chairs for us.

Here's a bigger table.

Daddy.

Excuse me.

Who are you here with?

My daddy. He's on a date.

Oh, so that'll be four.

I'll start with a Happy Meal.

I'll have what she's
having, but hold the pickle.

Whoa, baby. There's
a Happy Meal.

Grab a fork.

Daddy's missing all the fun.

Daddy.

Uh, Danny. There's a
young lady waving at you.

Oh, yeah. I know.

It's all part of the price I pay
for being Bachelor of the Month.

Well, I don't wanna
make you jealous,

so, uh, I'm not even gonna look.

No, really, you...
You ought to look.

[CHUCKLES]

Daddy, you gotta
try the Happy Meal.

Oh, my God, it's my daughter.

Michelle, how did you get here?

In your car. We were
hiding in the back seat.

If we're in trouble,
it was her idea.

Well, you're both
definitely in trouble.

Please, into the
booth, both of you.

Is everything all right? No.

My daughter and her friend
stowed away in my car.

Michelle...

Why did you do that?

Because I never see you anymore.

Is that because you're
the spatula of the month?

Eat your dessert, Teddy.

Michelle, how could you say
you never see me anymore?

I see you every morning,

and I told you a
bedtime story tonight.

Before dinner doesn't count.

You don't tuck me in anymore.

Sweetheart, if I'm not able to
tuck you in for some reason,

there's always someone
else there to tuck you in.

It's not the same. You
do the best tugboat.

Actually, she has
a point there. I...

I do one heck of a
toot-toot! [CHUCKLES]

That does not excuse you

from leaving the house
and sneaking into my car.

Am I in big trouble?

Well... actually,
it's not all your fault.

I should have talked to you
about this whole dating thing

before I started
going out every night.

I know how important it
is to you that I tuck you in.

It's important to me too.

I love our special
times together.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you and I
make a special date

tomorrow night at your bedtime

for me to tuck you in.

What do you say?

Is it a date?

It's a date.

I love you, honey.

I love you, Daddy.

Aw.

Danny, since we're all here,

why don't we make
this a double date?

Okay, well, if you'll excuse me,

I'll call home and tell
them that the kids are okay.

[CHUCKLES]

I wonder how much
she tipped for that booth.

[LAUGHS] Excuse me.

Here we go.

This is okay with
your daddy, right?

Right.

[VICKY LAUGHING]

I had a great time, Michelle.

I hope we double-date
again soon.

Tomorrow's good for me.

Honey,

why don't we go over
your social calendar

when I come up to
tuck you in, okay?

I'll be waiting with
the tugboat book.

Toot-toot!

You've still got it.

Look, Vicky, uh, I'm sorry.

This wasn't the scintillating
evening I was hoping for.

Actually, it was fun.

[CHUCKLES]

I hope you don't mind
if I tell our viewers

you're a terrific dad.

Thanks.

Look, uh, I... I got
a little carried away

with all those women suddenly
wanting to go out with me.

Truth is, I'm not really a...

A super-stud bachelor.

Somehow I knew that.

You know, I'm just looking
for somebody special.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'm going through
the same thing.

Really?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

Well... Good night.

Good night. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Oooh!

I'll be right up, honey.

Toot-toot!

Well, I'll see you
at work tomorrow.

Okay.

Good night. Night.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪