Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 11 - Nicky and/or Alexander - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Do you wanna help me
make breakfast, Michelle?

Sure, I can smash some eggs.

Whoa.

You don't smash them.

You crack them on the
side of the bowl very gently.

Observe.

Now, do you think
you can do that?

Duh.

Michelle, that was perfect.

Thank you very much.



Now, would you like
to scramble them up?

I sure would.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪



♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Okay, that's it.

I just saw Jesse
and Becky pull up.

They're home from the
hospital with the twins.

Oh, man.

I hear footsteps.

Are you ready?

ALL: Welcome... home.

Well, I can feel the love.

We're home.

Hi.

JESSE: Look at this.

ALL: Aw!

Nicky, Alexander, this is
your family, remember?

Oh, isn't that cute?

They look like
little Elmer Fudds.

[IMITATES ELMER FUDD]
Hewwo, you wascally wug wats.

[LAUGHS]

[TEARFULLY] Joey's right.

My babies look like Elmer Fudd!

Honey, honey, it's okay.
Joey wasn't thinking.

You know how he
has trouble with that.

Now, everybody, we
have to be a little sensitive

to Becky's feelings.

The doctor said she'll
be a little over-emotional

the next few days.

Well, it's not my fault.

The doctor said it's very common

for new mothers to
have mood swings.

Why are you all staring at me?

Because you were
just talking to us.

Oh.

Well, thanks for listening.

Is that a mood swing?

Six-point-two.

Can I hold one of the
babies? BECKY: Sure.

Can I hold one too?
Absolutely, Steph.

But you have to
sit down first, okay?

Okay. Hey, bub. Hey, bubba.

Come here, baby.

Hey, come on, pal.
Here we go. It's okay.

It's okay. Okay.

All right, here we go, Deej.

Oh. Oh, hey there. Hello.

Be careful with his
head. D.J.: Okay.

D.J.: Oh, how sweet.

I'm next.

I'm afraid you're too little.

In case you forgot,
I'm five years old now.

That's a whole hand.

Michelle, babies
are very delicate.

I'm sorry, you're just
not old enough yet.

The twins are so cute.

Let me tell everybody now.

Let's not get in the habit
of calling them "the twins."

They're two entirely
different people

with two different identities.

So which one's Nicky,
and which one's Alexander?

Beats me.

But I do know Nicky loves Elvis.

And Alex loves to burp.

But their names are on
their hospital bracelets.

Hey, Kimmy, get the camera.

The grandparents are
gonna want pictures.

BECKY: Wait a minute.

If my mom's gonna see this,

I have to put on the booties
that she made for the boys.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-hold it a second.

No sons of mine
are gonna be wearing

any tutti-frutti
booties, all right?

I knew it. You hate
my mother, don't you?

No, I... [CHUCKLES] Mood swing.

No, I... I... I... I love
your sainted mother.

Did I...? Did I say
"tutti-frutti booties"?

No, I meant... I meant
cutie-wootie booties

is... Is what I meant.

You're just saying that.

No, no. They're adora...

Aren't they adorable?
Help me out here, please.

Oh, yeah.

I'd wear 'em.

See?

Oh, well, I'm so
glad you like them.

All right.

This is where your mommy
and daddy live, huh?

And this is the bed.

That's where you
guys got started.

Jess.

What? It's the
highlight of the tour.

Okay, here's the rest
of the room, fellas.

What do you think?

Honey, I'm gonna unpack.

Okay.

All right.

And in here, this is your room.

This is the nursery, huh?
Fellas, what do you think?

I know what you're saying.

You're saying, "Hey,
Pop, we deserve walls."

And I promise, some
day you'll get 'em.

All right.

Oh, this is gonna be
the perfect place, guys.

And you're gonna
have the perfect life

because I'm gonna
be the perfect dad.

I mean, my dad was great,
but he did make a few mistakes

like he was always bugging
me about my long hair.

[LAUGHS] Let me tell
you guys something.

It's not gonna happen
to you. You know why?

Because you're bald.

I was just kidding.
I'm kidding. I'm do...

You know, I like to
joke around sometimes.

You... You... You
guys will learn.

Oh, I love you so
much. Can I have a kiss?

[SMOOCH]

Can I have a little kiss?

Mmm.

I'm gonna be the
best dad in the world.

I promise you guys.

Oh, this is so fun. I'm hanging
out with my boys. My boys!

High-five. Give me a high-five.

Give me a high-five.

[GIGGLING] Give me a high-five.

Give me a high-five.
Give me a high-five.

High-five. High-five me.

Right on, brother.

[♪♪♪]

So the doctor is taking
my blood pressure,

and you're not gonna believe
this, it registers nothing.

It turns out there was this
hole in that little squeeze ball.

You know, that thing that
looks like a turkey baster.

What, we're out of time
already? I can't believe this.

Boy, time sure flies when
I'm telling stories, doesn't it?

Tune in tomorrow when my
guests will be Chef Sol Wong

and cartoon-show host,
Ranger Joe Gladstone.

Becky, enjoy your babies.

Don't worry, the
show is in good hands.

So long, San Francisco.

CHORUS: Wake up!

[FUN THEME PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Well, pretty good show,
huh, Mr. Strowbridge?

You need a cohost.

A cohost?

Yeah. Someone to,
uh, complement you.

Why? I compliment myself
all the time. Watch this.

Good show, nice work, Danny.

Tanner, I... I'm sure you're
gonna really like Vicky Larson.

She's starting tomorrow.
Oh, Vicky, come.

She's starting tomorrow?

Hi.

Tomorrow works for me.

Hi, there. I'm, uh,
I'm Danny Tanner.

Welcome to my world.

Oh, it's nice to
meet you, Danny.

All right, you two,
so talk, mingle.

Make chemistry.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So have you ever, uh, done
a morning talk show before?

Well, no, but that doesn't
mean that I haven't...

Well, don't you
worry about a thing.

I am gonna teach
you everything I know.

For instance, words
like, uh, "speaking of"

can smoothly get you
from one subject to another.

That's what we people in
the talk-show biz call a segue.

Segue, I think I got it.

Oh, Vicky, they
want you in wardrobe.

Uh, I guess I'll
see you tomorrow.

Oh, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Now, that's an excellent
way to end a show.

Oh, boy, you're
catching on already.

[BOTH LAUGH]

There.

Doesn't that feel better
without those hospital bracelets?

You're allowed to take them off?

Yeah, well, it's not like
they're mattress tags.

But how do you tell them apart?

Oh, it's easy.

Nicky is in the
mint-green booties, yes.

And Alex is in the
peach ones. Hi, sweetie.

Listen, will you girls do me a
favor and entertain the boys

while I put these hospital
bracelets in their baby books?

Sure.

Now, don't you guys dare

do anything cute
while I'm gone, okay?

[GIGGLES]

Okay, let's play with them.

I'll take Alexander,
you take Nicky.

Hi, Alexander. Hi, buddy.
Hi, Nicky. Peekaboo.

Hi, hi, hi. Peekaboo, peekaboo.

D.J.: Oh, you're a cutie.

Okay, switch.

Hi, Nicky. Hi. Hi, little buddy.

Hi, hi.

Okay, Daddy's back.

[COOING] Come on, D.J.

Let's put the laundry
away. Won't that be fun?

Steph, it's me.

[NORMAL] Sorry. I'm better now.

Hi, bub. Hey.

I'm older now. Want
me to hold anything?

Oh, no thanks, Michelle.

You... You run
along and play, okay?

That what I always
do. Play, play, play.

[BABY GURGLES]

What? What was that?

Oh, you want me to take
off those girly booties?

Hey, guys, look,
I... I don't blame you.

They're out of here.

There we go.

Now we can go back
to being real men.

This little piggy
went to market.

This little piggy, uh,
rode his Harley-Davidson.

This little...

Oh, Jess, Alexander
needs to be nursed.

Do you want to bring him
in the other room for me?

Sure. Thanks.

Okay, Alexander
needs to be nursed.

Where'd your bracelets go?

Hey, Beck?

You guys, wait here.
Stay out of the fridge.

Beck, what happened
to the babies' bracelets?

Oh, I took them off and
put them in their baby books.

How are we gonna
tell them apart?

Oh, it's simple. Alexander's
in the peach booties,

and Nicky's in the
mint-green ones.

Listen, about these booties.

I really think they're a...
They're a little girly for me...

Jess, my mother
made those booties.

Yes, I know. Right. And I
want my sons to wear them.

And I don't think
that's too much to ask.

Why are you putting
me through this?!

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry. I'm wrong.

Uh, no, I... I... I
love those boot...

Any good red-blooded
American boy

would love to
wear those booties.

In fact, could you
call your mother up

and ask if she can
make a pair for me?

Oh, I bet she would.

Yeah.

Now, please go
bring me Alexander.

Okay. Thank you.

All right, guys, we gotta
put your booties back on.

Why? Because your mom's
about this far from losing it.

Okay, Alexander, you have
the peach motif. Which...?

Who's Alexander? Which...?
Which one of you is Alexa...?

All right, whoever's
Alexander, raise your hands.

Anyone? Anyone?

Oh, my God, I don't
know who's who.

I mixed up my own kids.

Some father. I
can just hear it now.

You telling your shrink:

"Oh, we were fine, till my
old man took off my booties.

"I almost spent
the rest of my life

not knowing if I was
me or my brother."

Jess? Honey, where are you?

JESSE: Coming.

Uh, eenie, meenie,
mi... You. You're Alex.

Here we go. Here we go, Alex.

All right, here we go.

Okay, don't tell
your ma what I did.

There we are.

Okay, coming
right out with Alex.

Or Nicky.

I'm sorry... whoever you are.

[♪♪♪]

Morning, Nicky or Alex.

Morning, Nicky or Alex.

Listen, I gotta find
out who is who now.

Now, Nicky, whoever you
are, I know you love Elvis.

So give me some kind
of sign, okay? Ready?

I'm just a hunk of,
hunk of burning love.

I'm just a hunk of,
hunk of burning love.

Come on, guys. Uh, do something.

Curl a lip. Anything.

Morning, Jess.

Oh, hi. Morning.

Are the babies awake?

Yeah, yeah, they're awake.

Happy, healthy, confident
in knowing who they are.

BECKY: Oh, honey, look.

Nicky burped. Oh!

And I thought Big Al
was the king of burps.

Hey, you. Ha-ha.

You better watch out.

Nicky's making a run
for the crown. Yes, he is.

Yeah, he's making a
run for the crown now.

Ah-ha.

All right, you little gas
bag, you must be Big Al.

Okay, what we're gonna
do is we switch, okay?

We'll switch the booties.

♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake, shake, shake
Shake your booties ♪

Everybody sing along.

♪ Shake your booty ♪

Oh, you guys don't
know the song.

That's right, you
missed the '70s.

Lucky you.

♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake, shake,
shake Shake your... ♪

Now we're all set.

There we go.

Wait a minute.

Becky saw you guys the
other way around, so...

Well all right,
we'll just... We'll...

Here.

[CHUCKLES]

I got it. We simply do this.

We do this. Ready?

Bada-bing, bada-boom.

And you thought your
old man was a dope.

All right.

Okay.

[BURPS]

Now you burped. Guys,
you're messing me up here.

I... I can't be changing your
booties for 18 more years.

Hi, Dad.

Ha-ha. Hi, Mom.

How you doing? Fine, fine.

You... You know,
I... I was thinking.

You know, wouldn't it be funny

if we accidentally
mixed up the kids,

and we really didn't
know who was who?

Funny?

That would be horrible.

I mean, that would be a tragedy.

I mean, they'd go through life

never knowing
their true identities.

And that's why I will
never let that happen.

Okay, I'm another day older.

Could I hold the babies now?

Jess, I have a feeling she's
never gonna give up on this.

I think you're right. Okay,
Michelle, you gotta sit down.

I'll grab you a kid.

All right, you sit back
up in there, okay?

All right, now, remember,

you gotta keep your
hand behind his head.

And don't jostle him
and don't drop him and...

Pretty much don't
even move a muscle.

You're making me very nervous.

Sorry. Here you go.

All right.

Oh, hi, sweetie. There he is.

Look at me. I'm holding a baby.

[BECKY GIGGLES]

Look how happy he is, Michelle.

That's because he likes me.

Oh, he's your little
cousin. He looks up to you.

If you have any
questions, talk to me.

I love you.

All right, you two,
have a good show.

Thanks, Mr. Strowbridge.

Vicky, these are for you.

That's very sweet, Bill.

Now, Vicky, give us some of
that Emmy-award-winning style.

You, uh...? You won an Emmy?

Well, actually, I won
two of them in D.C.

for investigative reporting.

I... I thought you said you
never did a talk show before?

That's true, but I anchored
the evening news for five years.

Wh...? Why didn't
you, uh, tell me that?

Because you never stop talking.

In five, four, three, two...

CHORUS: Wake up!

[FUN THEME PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Wake up, San Francisco.
Hi, I'm Danny Tanner.

And temporarily
filling in for my cohost,

Rebecca "Hurry
back soon" Donaldson

is Vicky Larson.

Actually, it's Vicky

"I'm gonna be
here for four weeks,

so let's have a good time"

Larson.

Okay. Well, let's bring out
our first guest, shall we?

He is the host of The
Ranger Joe Cartoon Show.

Let's hear it for my good
friend, Joey Gladstone.

MEN: ♪ Ranger Joe, Ranger Joe ♪

He's the greatest guy I know.

♪ He's Ranger Joe ♪

Hey, Joey. Hi, Danny.

Hi. Vicky. Hi.

Welcome to the show. Thank you.

Welcome to the
show, Mr. Woodchuck.

JOEY [AS MR. WOODCHUCK]:
Thanks, Danny. I'll just watch.

Well, Joey is, uh, hosting the
cartoon marathon all this week.

Speaking of cartoons...

Like that segue, Danny?

Not bad.

Joey, do you feel that
violence in cartoons today

has an adverse effect on our
children's social consciousness?

Well, actually, Vicky...

Uh... Uh, excuse
me. Vicky, please.

Joey is just a sweet,
lovable, goofy guy.

Please don't try
and clog his head

with these kind of
controversial issues.

Actually, Vicky,

I'm glad that I finally
have the chance

to articulate my position.

Articulate?

Yes, I've given this
issue a lot of thought,

and while violence is
certainly endemic to our society,

on my show, I only run cartoons

where the violence
is non-reality based.

That is to say, if
we see a mouse

drop a battleship on a cat,

the emulation of that
act by a small child

would be virtually impossible.

That's a fascinating
observation.

Yeah, especially
coming from a man

who plays "Jingle
Bells" on his armpits.

We'll be right back with
more of Ranger Joe, Ph.D.

And we're clear.

Great interview, Joey.

Oh, thanks, Vicky. You
know, you are really wonderful.

Thank you. Excuse me.

What do...? What do you
mean, she's wonderful?

She's overbearing,
abrasive and arrogant.

[CHUCKLES] Man,
you are so hot for her.

I know. She's
gonna drive me nuts.

[SIGHS]

Okay. Ready for round two?

Yep, let's get it on.

I mean, let's get
on with it, the show.

Hi, we're back.

And we're talking with,
uh, cartoon-show host...

Here you go, Uncle Jesse.

My junior-detective kit.

Shh, keep your voice down.

Why? What do you need this for?

I can't tell you.

Then I can't let you use it.

All right, girls, I'm
gonna tell you a secret.

But you can't tell
Becky because, well,

you know how she's been.

Nuts?

No, she hasn't
been nuts, she's...

Yeah, nuts. Yeah,
she's been nuts.

What happened was,
I mixed the twins up,

and I can't tell who's who.

ALL: What?

They're your own kids.

Even baboons know
their own babies.

Out!

Ooh, sore spot.

All right, this is what we do.

What I'm gonna do is take a
footprint of one of the babies,

and then we'll compare it

to the original birth
certificate right here, okay?

Deej, get the ink
out. I'll take, uh...

whoever you are.

Come on. Alrighty.

Here we go.

Here we go. Okay,
ready? And ink him.

Son, this better be
your last set of prints.

Okay. And do this.

Look at that. See?

All right, now we just
compare it with the original,

and we'll be jake.

BECKY: Hey, where is everybody?

We're in here!

Shh, Stephanie.

No, we're not!

Look at this.

[SPITS]

Becky's gonna see this.

D.J., help me here.

Uh... Uh, let's put
his foot in my pocket.

Oh, here you are.

Jess, it's time
to feed the boys.

Uh, I think I hear Dad calling.

Coming, Dad.

Dad's at the store.

You are really having a bad day.

Jess, is...?

Is there some reason that
our son's foot is in your pocket?

[LAUGHS]

Uh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Well, there's...
There's a... There's a...

There's a perfectly,
perfectly good reason.

And... And that
is because, um...

Well... Well, because,
uh, he kicked his booty off,

and... And he... And I
wanted to keep his foot warm.

There... There
you go. There's a...

There's a perfectly good reason.

Is there a perfectly good reason

that his foot is
covered with ink?

Where is my head today? I...

I must have left another
inkpad in my pocket.

Why don't you tell me the truth?

Well, the truth is, I
was taking his footprints

because I took
their booties off,

and now I can't tell 'em apart.

I'm some great dad, huh?

Even baboons can
tell their kids apart.

Honey, why didn't you tell me?

Well, I was just trying to avoid
the mother of all mood swings.

Honey, I know I've
been a little crazy lately,

but if there's some
problem with our kids,

you have to tell me so
we can work it out together.

I know, I just...

I just want to be the
perfect dad, that's all.

There is no such
thing as the perfect dad.

But you're gonna be a great dad,

and you're already
a great husband.

And I love you.

Have mercy.

[GIGGLES]

Well, we're doing
pretty good so far.

I mean, our... Our kids
are happy, they're healthy.

We just don't know
who the heck they are.

But I'm gonna find
out right now, all right?

Now, let's see. This one...

See, it's got a
little squiggle here

and a little squigg...

We have a match. [LAUGHS]

You... You with the
inky foot, my friend,

are Big Al.

[LAUGHS]

JESSE: Isn't that
great news, guys?

Heh, they're so excited,
they're speechless.

Guys, I've been
going crazy all day.

I found out who you are.

You Al, you Nicky.

High-five. Give me
high-fives. High-five.

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]