Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 1 - Double Trouble - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Michelle, go to sleep.

You have a big day tomorrow.

This is not working.

I know someone who can't sleep

'cause she's thinking about
her first day of kindergarten.

So do I.

How about if I sing you a
nice, soft, soothing lullaby?

♪ Ooh ♪

[PLAYS BLUES RIFF]

♪ Michelle's gettin' sleepy ♪



♪ Oh, no, she's not ♪

♪ She's excited
about Kindergarten ♪

♪ 'Cause she gets
milk In a little carton ♪

♪ When I need to sleep ♪

♪ I get milk and cookies ♪

♪ Whoa-whoa-whoa
She's got the "can't sleep ♪

♪ "School's starting Too
excited about kindergarten ♪

♪ Need some milk and cookie" ♪

♪ Blue-oohs ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[GRUFF VOICE] That
chick knocks me out.

Yeah.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪



♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

Hey, everybody, I'm home!

Hey, I'm... Hey,
Comet, it's your Uncle J.

Please, don't get up.

Hey, wake up. Wake up!

Hey, everyone,
wake up. I'm home!

Hey, girls. Aw, I
missed you. Hi.

Hey, Joseph. Hey, Michelle.

[SMOOCHES]

Hey. Hey.

It's 3 a.m. School
starts tomorrow.

You're making
lunches. Welcome back.

That's it? I've been
on tour all summer,

and that's all I get?

Next time, come home earlier.

Becky!

Beck, I'm home. Wake up.

Beck, wake up.

Jess, you're home. Hey.

Hi, honey. Mmm.

It's so good holding
you in my arm...

Have mercy.

I know, I look like
Frosty the Snowman.

No, it's just that two weeks ago

when I saw you,
you looked pregnant.

But now you look, heh, enormous.

Enormously pregnant.

I know, it was amazing.

One morning I woke up, looked
down and my feet were gone.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, how you doing,
little baby? Daddy's home.

It kicked. What's
it doing up so late?

[LAUGHS]

Honey, you have
to read this book.

It tells you everything you need
to know about having a baby.

All right.

Chapter one.

I think we already
covered that chapter.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'm out of here, Dad.

Oh, wait a minute. Come here.

Aw, it's my big girl's
first day of high school.

Come sit on my lap.

Dad.

Aw, it seems like only yesterday
I was holding you in my arms,

and I saw my reflection
in your little bald head.

Dad, I have to
go. How do I look?

Cute.

Cute?

You're supposed to
say I look way too hot

and can't leave the
house dressed like this.

I'm sorry, honey.
You look very sexy.

Hola, Deej. Big Dan.

Hi, Kimmy. Wow,
you look nice today.

Thanks. My dad
said the same thing.

You see, Deej, you don't
always have to dress hot

to attract attention.

People are gonna like you
for who you are on the inside,

not how you look on the outside.

I know it might seem
weird for me to say this...

but, uh, I think right
now you can actually

learn a lesson from Kimmy.

Ready, Deej?

Uh, well, I have to go
back upstairs and change.

Dad wants me to
be more like you.

No, no, no, no. You
just... You go to school.

Please, make new friends.

Bye, Dad. Bye.

All right, right this
way. Bring it on down.

Swing that back end around.
Swing it around. Right there.

I'm an expectant
mother, not a jumbo jet.

Please, the baby can
pick up your sarcasm.

What are you talking about?

I've been up reading that book,

and it says that
even in the womb,

the baby can sense
everything that's going on.

So starting right now,

I want happy voices
and soothing sounds.

Jess, don't you think you're
going overboard with this?

Oh, is that what you think?

Hey look, pal, I'm
gonna be a father, okay?

Do you know what
a big job that is?

Oh, gosh, no, Jess, tell me.

That means I'm
gonna be responsible

for another human life, okay?

And I want it
to start out right.

So from now on,
carry this around.

♪ Now, since my baby left
me I've found a new place... ♪

Jess, I am not going to
listen to Elvis 24 hours a day.

Well, I figured that, so...

I bet its little lip's
curling up right now.

Oh, my God, it
heard me call it "it."

Beck, we have to find
out if it's a boy or girl.

Now, Jess, you promised
that we'd be surprised.

Ah-da-da.

Happy sounds, soothing voices.

No. Now, Jess, you agreed
that we'd be surprised.

But I want you to
change your mind.

It's not gonna
happen. Yes, it is.

No, it's not. Yes, it is.

Don't you worry, your parents
aren't always this kooky.

I'm not changing my
mind. Yes, you are.

Hey, girls. Ready for
your first day of school?

Are you kidding?

This year, I'm
getting a man teacher,

and he is a major babe.

Wooo.

Fourth grade is
gonna be so awesome.

Hey, I look good, I feel good,

and I'm wearing
a smile that says,

"Stephanie Tanner,
you're a winner."

How about you? Are
you ready, Michelle?

Not as ready as she is.

Are the other kids
gonna like me?

Oh, of course
they're gonna like you.

But to be sure, you
should do what I did

my first day of school.

See, when all the kids asked
me my name, I just went,

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
"Hello, my name's Joey Gladstone."

[NORMAL] And all the kids
laughed, and we became friends.

Okay, you try it.

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
Hello, my name is Joey Gladstone.

[CHUCKLES]

That's good, but next time,
try using your own name.

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
Hello, my name is Michelle Tanner.

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
Hello, my name is Michelle Tanner.

[♪♪♪]

DANNY: Well, girls, here we are.

This is my school? It's so big.

JOEY: Well, you're a
big girl now, Michelle.

I'm not that big.

Michelle, you're gonna be fine.

But if you need any help,

your big sister's right
in the same school.

Right, Steph?

Don't worry, Michelle.

Kindergarten is
just like preschool,

only without the naps.

Too bad. I'm good at naps.

Come on, everybody.

Are you coming, Michelle?

I don't know about this.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

WOMAN: Jason...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Here's your classroom, Michelle.

Doesn't this look like the
happiest place on Earth?

No, that's Disneyland.

Hello, I'm Miss Wiltrout.

Hi, I'm Danny Tanner,
and this is Joey.

Mr. Tanner. How do you do, Joey?

And what's your name?

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner.

This is my first day at school.

That's okay, it's
everybody's first day.

Oh, excuse me.

Please don't climb
on my desk there.

Michelle, you have a
great first day of school.

I know you're gonna love it.

You'll have fun, honey.

I hope you're right.

And, Michelle...

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE] Remember what
I told you about making new friends. Hm.

[NORMAL] Bye,
honey. Bye, Michelle.

DANNY: Bye-bye. JOEY: Bye.

Who are you?

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
My name is Michelle Tanner.

You are a strange kid.

They hate me
already. I'm out of here.

WOMAN: Oh, this is our
first one. I'm so happy.

[BELL RINGS]

Excuse me, excuse me.

Have you seen my
sister Stephanie Tanner?

[ALL CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

I don't know about this.

All right. Let me
help you down here.

We'll just sit.

Now, remember,
we don't wanna know

if it's a boy or a girl, okay?

Okay. All right,
yes, I understand.

This is an interesting
sonogram. Boy...

It's a boy!

We'll name him... We'll
name him Jesse Junior.

How's his hair? Does
he need mousse?

I'm not saying it's a boy.

Oh, then it's a girl.

Jessica Junior.

She's not dating until she's 35.

I-I didn't say it was a girl.

What's left?

All we wanna know is
if the baby is healthy.

Relax. You don't smoke,
and you don't drink.

You're doing
everything just right.

The babies will be just fine.

See that, Jess? The
babies will be just fine.

Now, let's go.

Did you say "babies"?

Did she say "babies"?

That's what I said.
You're having twins.

[LAUGHS]

Who's having twins?

You are.

Congratulations.

Jess, we're having twins!

Oh, honey.

Twins, I...

just wanted to know
if it was a boy or a girl.

Twins.

We're having twins.

That's... That... That's
two babies at one time.

The first baby comes
out, then the second baby.

Then we take 'em
home and raise 'em?

That's generally how it works.

Here's your sonogram.

Oh, Jess, this is so exciting.

Our first baby pictures.

See, here's one little
head, and there's the other.

Sometimes one
hides behind the other.

Oh, honey, that's so cute.

They're already
playing together.

Any more hiding back there?

[CHUCKLES] No.

Oh, this is so exciting.

I've gotta get to work
and tell everyone.

Okay. I'm gonna stay
and ask a few questions.

Okay. We'll celebrate tonight.

All right.

Honey, we're having
twins! Ha-ha-ha!

[CHUCKLES]

Jesse, are you all right?

Oh, no. Oh, I'm
fine. No, I'm great.

It's an extra baby,
so I'm extra happy.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You know, before I was just, uh,

responsible for one human life.

Heck, now I'm responsible
for two human lives.

Heh, I'm fine. Really.
I mean, I'm... I'm so...

Can I just lay down
real fast for a second?

Could you, uh, just
click the oxygen on

as fast as you can?

One of the most exciting
things about fourth grade

is that we'll be
using computers.

Anyone ever used one? I've
used my sister's computer.

She used up the last of
the cream rinse this morning.

That's why my hair doesn't
have as much body and bounce

as it usually does.

I guess I'll sit down now.

I'm really not a geek.

TEACHER: No one said you were.

All right, another thing
we're gonna be doing

is breaking the class
into discovery groups.

And here's our first discovery.

Psst.

[WHISPERS] It's me, Michelle.

I know who you are.

Stephanie, would you like
to introduce us to your guest?

Uh, not really.

I'm her sister Michelle.

Hi, I'm Mr. Lowry.

You were right.
He is a major babe.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

Why aren't you in kindergarten?

Nobody likes me there.
I wanna stay with you.

[CHUCKLES]

What a sense of humor.

Can I take her back
to kindergarten?

Of course you can.

Thanks. But, uh,

try not to teach
anything until I get back.

I don't wanna go back.

Don't worry, Michelle.
Your big sister's on the job.

Now, there's no reason why
any of those kindergarten kids

shouldn't like you.

I mean, you're a
terrific little person.

Don't tell me. Tell them.

Look what I found.

There you are, Michelle.
What happened?

That boy said I was strange.

She talks with her
hands on her head.

I think I can help here. May I?

Oh, heh, be my guest.

Michelle was just
trying to show you kids

the cool new way to say hello.

The Bullwinkle way.

Okay, antlers up.

Now, repeat after me.

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
Good morning, Michelle.

ALL [IMITATE BULLWINKLE]:
Good morning, Michelle.

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
Good morning to you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[NORMAL] Wasn't that fun?

Let's all thank
Michelle for showing us

how to be a little bit cooler.

ALL: Yay!

See, Michelle? They like you.

Well, my work here is done.

[LAUGHS] Good job.

[NORMAL] Stephanie.

Yes, Michelle?

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
Thank you very much.

[IMITATES BULLWINKLE]
You're welcome.

Good boy, Comet.
You cleaned your plate.

Now, remember what I taught you.

Attaboy, Comet.

Oh, good dog.

Yes.

You know, Joey, you can
learn something from that dog.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, Jess, congratulations, man,

you're having twins.

Ha-ha! Way to go, buddy boy.

When you do something,
you really do it, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Where you been all day?

I was at the doctor's office.

Your appointment
was three hours ago.

I forgot I had a car.

Plus... my head's just
kind of jammed. I mean, I...

I mean, you know, having a
baby is great, but having twins...

Twins are gonna
be twice as great.

Twice the love, twice
the hugs, twice the kisses.

It's not that simple, Jesse boy.

Twins are twice the feeding,

twice the crying,
twice the diapers

and twice the
responsibility. Ha-ha-ha!

Who are you?

I'm your evil twin,
Manny Tanner.

You need a shower, Manny.

Jess, twins will mean twice
as many "I love you, Daddys."

You live in a bubble,
you Lysol-loving hug freak.

[LAUGHS]

I'm cracking up here.

Come on, Jess. You're
gonna make a great father.

What do you know?

You're 33 years old, and you
wear Scooby-Doo pajamas.

Just the bottoms.

And I suppose
you're my evil twin.

Yeah, what was your
first clue, Sherlock?

Well, you look a lot like me.

Hey, Jess, you can kiss
your rock 'n' roll days goodbye.

You won't look so cool
with a twin on each arm

and a spit-up rag
on each shoulder.

You know, for an evil
twin, you're not very nice.

Oh, good comeback.

[EVIL TWINS LAUGH]

Yeah, it's very funny.
I'm really sick of you.

You really make me nauseous.

Good comeback.

The four of you guys, just stop!

Oh. Oh, thank God, it's
just the two of you. Guys...

[CHUCKLES]

Jess, you've been up all night.

I think you just need
to get some sleep.

No, no, no, no, I
don't need any sleep.

Maybe a little
nap wouldn't hurt.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Uncle Jesse, wanna play?

No, not right now, shorty.

I got a lot of stuff going
on in my mind. Thanks.

Not so fast, mister.
Park it right here.

Michelle, I... I really
don't wanna talk right now.

You always talk to me.

I guess you're right.

I've been spilling
my guts to you

since before you were
able to talk back, huh?

Spill those guts.

Well, you heard about
this twins thing, right?

Yes, I did. I'm
very proud of you.

Thank you, but, uh... [TSKS]

[SIGHS] I don't know, I
guess I'm just apprehensive.

Appre-what?

"Apprehensive." It means, um...

It means that I'm
nervous about the twins.

This has got to be
our little secret, okay?

Because I'm afraid to
talk to the family about it.

You know, they
think of me as being

so together and in
control all the time. I just...

I just don't want them
to see me like this.

I don't know what to do.

I do.

You do?

Stephanie!

What are you doing, Michelle?

Stephanie helped me
at school. She's a genius.

What's wrong, Michelle?

Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing's wrong.

Uncle Jesse's apprehensive.
That means nervous.

I'm... I'm fine, Steph.
I'm fine, all right.

No offense, but, uh,
I... I think you're just

a little young for this problem.

Okay, in that case, D.J.!

What is it?

Uncle Jesse's apprehensive.

No, I'm... I'm not
apprehensive. I'm fine.

Okay, girls, now,
this is an adult thing.

No problem. Dad,
Joey, Aunt Becky!

Uncle Jesse's apprehensive.

DANNY: Jesse's
apprehensive. I'm fine.

Everybody, I'm fine.
Okay, I'm fine. I'm just, uh...

I'm just having a
bad hair day, that's all.

I'm a little, uh, apprehensive
about my pH balance.

You said you were
apprehensive about the twins.

Here's another new word
for you, "blabbermouth."

I know that one.

Jess, I thought you were
happy about the twins.

I am.

I'm... I'm... I'm
extremely happy.

I'm happy. I'm thrilled.

I'm lying.

[SIGHS]

Becky, I'm scared to death.

Uncle Jesse,
you're never scared.

Yeah, well, I've never
been a father before.

I mean, you know, having
one kid is scary enough,

but the thought of having two?

You're the greatest
uncle in the world.

Yeah, but being an
uncle is easy. I mean, I...

I listen to your problem,
throw in my two cents,

and then I dump the
final decision on your dad.

But now, I'm gonna
be totally responsible.

My... My babies' lives
are gonna be in my hands.

I make one wrong decision,
and I screw up two lives.

I'm sorry, Becky.

You must think I'm a jerk.

No, honey.

I'm just as scared as you.

Oh, great. Who's gonna
take care of our kids?

You know, what you
guys are going through

is perfectly normal.

Oh, I was a nervous wreck

the first time I
became a parent.

Once you hold that
little baby in your arms,

I'm telling you, you
can't believe the feeling.

Come on, you two are
gonna make great parents.

And just remember, we'll be
here whenever you need us.

Jess, for the past four years,

you've been
living in this house,

and you've been Uncle Jesse.

[LAUGHS]

But now, I'm gonna
get to be... Uncle Danny.

[ALL LAUGH]

Your kids are gonna be so clean.

I'll babysit my new
cousins anytime,

except for Friday
and Saturday nights.

And I'll take Friday
and Saturday,

until I start dating.

I'll help too, but no diapers.
They make me apprehensive.

I tell you, guys, I'm... I'm
still a little scared, but...

knowing that I got
you guys to back me up

really makes me feel happy.

Well, honey, I am sure

that we're gonna make
our share of mistakes,

but one thing is for sure.

No two kids are
gonna be loved more.

You count on that.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you guys gotta
see our first baby picture.

Oh, they're really great.

Check it out. Hey!

ALL: Awww.

BECKY: Aren't they cute?

They'll look better
once they get eyebrows.

[ALL LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]