Full House (1987–1995): Season 4, Episode 11 - Secret Admirer - full transcript
The Tanners invite Cindy and Rusty over again for a backyard barbecue. Rusty writes a phony love letter which causes confusion as each member of the household reads it in turn, all believing it to be from a different person.
SHORTY!
YES?
DID YOU JUST EAT
THE CREAMY MIDDLE
OUT OF THAT COOKIE
AND PUT THE 2 ENDS
BACK TOGETHER?
YES.
YOU ATE THE MIDDLE
OUT OF EVERY COOKIE
IN THIS COOKIE JAR?
NEXT TIME, ONLY BUY THE MIDDLES.
♪ AHH ♪
♪ AAH ♪
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO PREDICTABILITY ♪
♪ THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY ♪
♪ EVENIN' TV ♪
♪ HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE ♪
♪ THIS OLD WORLD'S ♪
♪ CONFUSIN' ME ♪
♪ CLOUDS AS MEAN
AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ AIN'T A BIRD WHO
KNOWS YOUR TUNE ♪
♪ THEN A LITTLE VOICE
INSIDE YOU WHISPERS ♪
♪ KID, DON'T SELL YOUR
DREAMS SO SOON ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A HEART ♪
♪ A HAND TO HOLD ONTO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A FACE OF
SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ A LIGHT IS WAITIN' ♪
♪ TO CARRY YOU HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ DO BE DO BA BA DA ♪♪
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
BE RIGHT THERE!
COMING.
HEY, CINDY. HI.
RUSTY. HI, DANNY.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL
TANNER FAMILY QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
THANKS FOR INVITING US, EVEN
THOUGH WE'RE NOT OFFICIALLY FAMILY.
CINDY, WE'VE BEEN
DATING OVER A MONTH,
YOU DRY CLEAN MY SHORTS.
YOU'RE FAMILY.
WELL, HERE'S MY SEMI-LEGENDARY
HOMEMADE APPLE PIE.
OH, I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE.
I CAN'T WAIT.
APPARENTLY SOMEONE
ELSE COULDN'T WAIT, EITHER.
RUSTY!
SORRY, MOM... IT
WAS A LONG CAR RIDE.
DON'T GET IT! I'VE GOT IT!
DON'T GET IT! I'VE GOT IT!
D.J., WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S THE PAPER BOY, RICKY.
HOW DO I LOOK?
HUNGRY FOR LOVE.
PERFECT.
HI, RICKY.
HI, I'M HERE TO
COLLECT FOR THE PAPER.
UH, $3.50, MR. TANNER.
OK.
SORRY, RICKY, ALL
I HAVE IS A TWENTY.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.
THAT'S OK. KEEP IT.
COOL!
WHAT MY INCREDIBLY
GENEROUS DAUGHTER MEANS IS,
KEEP $1.00 AND COME
BACK WITH THE REST, OKAY?
THANKS FOR TRYING. I'LL BE BACK.
I'LL BE HERE. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
TOODLE-OO.
"TOODLE-OO"?
I'M SUCH A GEEK.
MR. AND MRS. RICKY PAPERBOY.
GROW UP.
CINDY, ISN'T THIS
CUTE? THEY'RE FIGHTING
JUST LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER.
EEW! EEW!
HEY, MISTER, WHAT
ARE YOU UP TO NOW?
WELL, I'M JUST TYPING A LETTER.
AND YOU CAN HELP ME DELIVER IT.
LIKE A MAILMAN.
I'M VERY BUSY TODAY.
WELL, TELL YOU
WHAT, LITTLE LADY.
I'LL GIVE YOU...
THIS BRIGHT, SHINY, NEW PENNY.
DON'T BE CHEAP,
GIVE ME A NICKEL.
WELL, YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN,
BUT HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY, NOW TAKE THIS
LETTER INTO THE KITCHEN,
AND GIVE IT TO YOUR SISTER.
NOW, HERE IS THE FUN PART.
TELL HER IT'S FROM
RICKY, THE PAPER BOY.
BUT THAT'S A LIE!
HERE IS ANOTHER NICKEL.
YOU GOT A DEAL, DUDE.
THIS IS GONNA MAKE D.J. CRAZY.
THIS IS FOR MY SISTER.
WHO GAVE THIS TO YOU?
I DO NOT LIE.
IT WAS RUSTY.
BUT I'M KEEPING THE MONEY.
"I'VE LOVED YOU
SECRETLY FOR A LONG TIME.
"WHEN I SEE YOU IN THE HOUSE,
MY HEART BURNS WITH PASSION.
"I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LOVE.
SIGNED, HOT FOR YOU."
EW! GROSS!
WHY DID YOU SAY "EW! GROSS!"?
BECAUSE... RUSTY LOVES ME.
EW! GROSS!
IF ANYONE FINDS OUT I GOT A
LOVE LETTER FROM THAT DUFUS,
I'LL DIE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, DANNY.
OH, HI, STEPH.
UH, YOUR DAD WANTS
THE AIR FRESHENER.
IN THE BACK YARD?
YEAH, HE SAID IT DOESN'T
SMELL WOODSY ENOUGH.
THAT'S MY DAD.
YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE HIM.
YOU DO.
CINDY, HOW'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
DRY CLEANER I'VE EVER KNOWN?
JOEY. WHAT DID YOU SPILL?
UH, KETCHUP ON MY SHIRT,
MUSTARD ON MY PANTS.
I'VE GOTTA STOP MAKING
SANDWICHES IN THE CAR.
I'LL TAKE IT OUT TO MY
VAN SO I DON'T FORGET.
CINDY, YOU ARE THE BEST.
BY THE WAY, I LEFT A LITTLE
NOTE IN THERE FOR YOU.
IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
HIS HEART BURNS WITH PASSION?
HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY LOVE?
JOEY'S HOT FOR ME?
CINDY?
CIN, YOU'VE GOTTA COME
SMELL THE BACK YARD.
IT'S PINE-FOREST FRESH.
I... I WILL, UM...
I JUST HAVE TO TAKE
OUT JOEY'S LAUNDRY.
OH, AND IT MEANS NOTHING TO ME.
NOTHING.
HI.
I'M TAKING JOEY'S
LAUNDRY OUT TO MY VAN.
WELL.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT.
HI, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
OH, AND THE JELL-O
DIDN'T GEL YET.
OH, HEY, THAT'S OK.
WE'LL JUST TELL
EVERYONE IT'S LIME SOUP.
BECK, DO ME A FAVOR.
TAKE A LOOK SOME
NOTES I MADE FOR
TOMORROW'S SHOW.
I'M THINKING ABOUT SOME CHANGES
THAT MAY AFFECT US BOTH.
LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, OKAY?
SURE, I'LL LOOK AT
THEM RIGHT NOW.
GREAT. I'LL GO PUT OUT SOME
SOUP BOWLS AND CROUTONS
FOR YOUR JELL-O.
OH, MY GOD.
DANNY CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT MY LOVE?
IF JESSE FINDS OUT,
HE'LL KILL DANNY.
HMM... I WOULD HAVE MY OWN SHOW.
I WENT TO FOUR DIFFERENT STORES
TRYING TO FIND DANNY LOW-SODIUM GHERKINS.
HE'S GETTING DILLS, AND
HE'S GONNA LIKE THEM.
I NEED A KISS.
I HAVE TO HIDE THIS.
I'VE GOTTA KEEP HIM KISSING ME.
I KNOW WHAT HE LIKES.
OOH, I LIKE THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BEHIND MY BACK?
UH, NOTHING.
WHAT IS THAT?
OH, A... LIBRARY BOOK.
WOULDN'T YOU
KNOW? KIMMY GIBBLER.
AND A MONTH OVERDUE.
BOY, THAT CHILD
IS OUT OF CONTROL.
JESS, WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN WITH MY PICKLES?
I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK.
WHERE DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN?
YOU SENT ME ON A WILD GHERKIN CHASE.
ALL I COULD FIND WERE
DILLS. HERE, ENJOY.
JESS, DILLS?
MY ENTIRE MENU IS BASED
AROUND THE GHERKIN.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO GO TO PICKLETOWN.
DANNY'S TRYING
TO GET RID OF JESSE
SO HE CAN BE ALONE WITH ME.
COME ON. DILLS, GHERKINS... WHAT'S
THE BIG DIFFERENCE? WHO CARES?
I CARE.
I CARE DEEPLY.
JESS, I'LL GO BRING
THE CAR AROUND.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE GOING TO THE
STORE, LET ME GO CHECK THE FRIDGE
AND SEE IF WE NEED
ANY OTHER CONDIMENTS.
OH, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA
SEND ME NOW, MUSTARD CITY?
HEY, IT IS RIGHT ACROSS
FROM PICKLETOWN.
OH, JESSE. IF YOU'RE GOING OUT,
CAN YOU PICK ME UP
A COPY OF TEEN HUNK?
IT HAS A SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF AD
FOR "NEW KIDS ON
THE BLOCK" COLOGNE.
"A," I DON'T BUY TEEN HUNK.
"2," HERE.
A LITTLE SURPRISE IN
THERE FOR YOU, KIMBO.
I GOT TWO NICKELS.
WHAT CAN I BUY WITH THIS?
A DIME.
THAT'S IT?
WHOA, BABY!
JESSE'S HOT FOR ME?
AND WHY NOT?
I'M TWICE THE WOMAN BECKY IS.
YOU BETTER BE NICE TO ME, KID.
IF I MARRY YOUR UNCLE JESSE,
I COULD BE YOUR AUNT KIMMY.
NO WAY, JOSE.
NO WAY, JOSE.
I BETTER GO GLAM UP FOR MY MAN.
TIME FOR A LITTLE
GLOSS AND FLOSS.
JESS, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
DANNY WANTED ME TO
GET A FEW MORE THINGS.
OH, I FORGOT MY SWEATER.
I'LL GET IT. THANKS.
A LOVE LETTER TO BECKY?
"WHEN I SEE YOU IN THE HOUSE..."
THIS MUST BE FROM DANNY OR JOEY.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS LETTER.
ME EITHER.
I'VE GOTTA LEARN TO READ.
MICHELLE, MY
DEAREST LITTLE NIECE,
COULD YOU GO ON AND ASK YOUR
DADDY AND JOEY TO COME IN HERE PLEASE?
IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE.
JESS? ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?
YEAH?
HONEY, I THOUGHT WE
WERE GOING TO THE STORE.
THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS.
GUYS!
DOES JESSE KNOW DANNY
GAVE ME THAT LOVE LETTER?
GENTLEMEN...
I'M GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT
NOW WHICH OF MY BEST FRIENDS
IS A BACK-STABBING WEASEL.
OK, WHICH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS
WOULD LIKE TO ESCORT
MY FIANCE TO PICKLETOWN?
HEY, I'LL GO. COME ON, BECKY.
AHA! SO DANNY'S THE WEASEL
WHO WANTS MY WEBECCA.
REBECCA.
DANNY, YOU'VE GOT A
MILLION THINGS TO DO.
I'LL TAKE BECKY.
HMM, MAYBE JOEY'S
THE REAL REASEL.
WEASEL.
JOEY!
OH, HI, CINDY.
YOU WANNA TAKE A
RIDE TO THE STORE?
WITH THE MAN WHO'S TRYING
TO STEAL ME FROM DANNY?
SORRY, I HAVEN'T SMELLED
THE BACK YARD YET.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS JUST STUPID.
I'M JUST GONNA CALL
PICKLETOWN. THEY DELIVER.
IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS,
OR YOUR PICKLES ARE FREE.
BECKY, YOU AND I NEED TO TALK.
HELLO, JESSE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, GIBBLER?
GOOD, PRETEND YOU DON'T LIKE ME.
BECKY WILL NEVER SUSPECT
YOU WROTE ME THAT LOVE LETTER.
KIMMY, YOU GOT SOME
GUNK IN YOUR EYE.
BECKY, I JUST WANT
YOU TO KNOW THAT...
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
I'LL WANT US TO BE FRIENDS.
THANKS, KIMMY. THAT'S
VERY REASSURING.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY NOW.
WAIT TILL THAT ROCK
IS ON MY FINGER.
I'M GONNA LEARN TO
READ IF IT KILLS ME.
THIS IS A "A." THIS IS A APPLE.
SO WHAT?
HEY, KID.
DID YOU DELIVER THE LETTER
I WROTE TO YOUR SISTER?
YES, I DID.
AND WHAT HAPPENED?
EVERYTHING WENT BANANAS.
I LOVE IT! YOU DID IT, MICHELLE.
WAY TO GO, KID!
COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE.
YOU KNOW WE MAKE A
GREAT TEAM TOGETHER.
I'VE GOTTA GET A
LOCK FOR MY DOOR.
D.J., YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
RUSTY WROTE ME A LOVE LETTER.
EW, GROSS!
WHAT IS HE THINKING?
HE'S TWO YEARS OLDER THAN ME,
AND HE'S A COMPLETE
COOTIE-BURGER.
I'M GONNA GO DUMP HIM.
STEPH, WAIT A SEC.
MAYBE I SHOULD TALK TO HIM.
IT'S JUST POSSIBLE RUSTY
MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS.
NAH! NAH!
HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S UP?
HOW RUDE!
RUSTY, HAVE A SEAT.
LET'S YOU AND I HAVE A TALK.
LET'S TALK ABOUT LOVE.
OK.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND THAT
YOU'RE READY FOR A GIRLFRIEND,
BUT IN MY OPINION, YOU NEED
A GIRLFRIEND WHO'S OLDER.
MORE MATURE.
OK.
COME ON! EVERYBODY
IN THE KITCHEN!
JUST THINK ABOUT
WHAT I SAID, OKAY?
SHE'S ALL OVER ME!
WE'LL TALK LATER.
THAT BABE IS HOT
FOR THE RUSTMAN!
OK, COME ON EVERYBODY! LEND A
HAND, IT'S TIME FOR THE FIRST ANNUAL
TANNER FAMILY
QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
EVERYBODY IN LINE.
OH, THIS IS GREAT, IT'S
LIKE ONE BIG LOVE TRAIN.
♪ PEOPLE ROUND THE
WORLD JOIN HANDS, UNH ♪
♪ START A LOVE
TRAIN, LOVE TRAIN ♪♪
GREAT, I'LL BE THE CABOOSE.
JOEY, STOP.
YOU WANNA BE THE CABOOSE?
JOEY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I CAN TALK TO ABOUT THIS.
IF JESSE EVER FOUND
OUT, HE'D GO CRAZY.
BECK, YOU CAN TRUST ME.
I KNOW. YOU'RE SO SWEET.
OH, HOW DO I SAY THIS?
JOEY, YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES A FRIEND
BECOMES SO CLOSE
TO ANOTHER FRIEND
THAT IT TURNS INTO LOVE,
WHICH WOULDN'T BE SO
BAD IF ONE OF THOSE FRIENDS
WASN'T ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.
JOEY, IS THIS MAKING ANY SENSE?
COMPLETE SENSE.
HOLY COW! BECKY'S
IN LOVE WITH ME.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
OH, UH, I WAS
CHECKING HER PULSE.
YEP. SHE'S VERY HEALTHY.
MMM. BOY, THOSE
HOT DOGS SMELL GOOD.
NOW I KNOW IT'S
JOEY. I'LL KILL HIM!
GOOD THING HE DOESN'T KNOW.
HE'D KILL ME.
HO.
HO HO.
HA HA HA.
WE NEED TO TALK
ABOUT THIS LETTER.
I KNOW THIS IS A BAD
TIME TO BRING IT UP,
BUT I HAD TO GET IT
OUT INTO THE OPEN.
BECKY'S IN LOVE WITH ME?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE
SO DARNED ATTRACTIVE?
HIDE THE LETTER. JESSE'S COMING.
HERE. YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
YOU NEVER SAW ME. NOW GO.
HI, JESS.
I THOUGHT IT WAS JOEY,
BUT THAT SILLY GUILTY GRIN.
MAYBE IT'S DANNY. I'LL KILL
BOTH OF THEM, SORT IT OUT LATER.
HERE'S YOUR BURGER, HONEY.
HI, JESSE. I SAVED YOU A SEAT.
KIMMY, YOU'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT EYE OF YOURS.
I'VE GOTTA TELL JOEY HE
DOESN'T HAVE A CHANCE WITH ME.
JOEY?
HI, CINDY. JUST BE HONEST.
YOU HAVE SALAD
DRESSING ON YOUR SHIRT.
OH, GEE, THANKS.
WAIT, UH, NO. THERE'S MORE.
REALLY, WHERE?
NO. NO.
JOEY, SOMETIMES THE
WRONG PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE.
OH, IT'S NOT ANYBODY'S
FAULT, IT JUST HAPPENS.
I DON'T WANT DANNY TO GET HURT.
SO LET'S JUST TRY TO CONTROL
OUR BURNING PASSIONS, ALL RIGHT?
I'LL TRY MY BEST.
COME ON, GUYS. TIME
FOR BARBECUE FUN.
FIRST BECKY FALLS
FOR ME, NOW CINDY?
BOY, THIS NEW KIDS
ON THE BLOCK COLOGNE
REALLY WORKS.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL
TANNER FAMILY
QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
I CAN'T SAY THAT ENOUGH.
NOW, EXACTLY WHAT
IS QUALITY TIME?
I WOULD DEFINE IT AS
TIME THAT WE ALL GET
TO SPEND TOGETHER...
ONE FALSE MOVE
AND RUSTY GET A
WEENIE IN HIS EAR.
D.J. IS SUCH A BABE.
WHY IS RUSTY STARING AT ME?
DO I HAVE SOMETHING
STUCK IN MY TEETH?
WHAT AM I GETTING
AT HERE? QUALITY...
I'VE GOTTA FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO
ABOUT BECKY FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME.
IT'S A GOOD THING I CAN RAMBLE ON
FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND... HOURS.
LOOK AT DANNY,
BABBLING ON THE OUTSIDE,
BURNING WITH PASSION
FOR ME ON THE INSIDE.
LOOK AT THESE WEASELS.
ONE CAN'T SHUT UP,
AND THE OTHER NEEDS A BIB.
I'LL BE DOING MANKIND A
FAVOR WHEN I KILL THEM.
MRS. KIMMY KATSOPOLIS.
SOUNDS SO GEEKY.
I'LL HAVE HIM TAKE MY NAME.
MR. JESSE GIBBLER.
I SURE HOPE BECKY AND CINDY
DON'T FIGHT OVER ME RIGHT HERE,
ALTHOUGH IT COULD BE
FUN IF WE BUILT A MUD PIT.
JOEY IS SWEET, BUT I LIKE DANNY.
OH, HE'S SUCH AN
ELOQUENT SPEAKER.
♪ BORING ♪
♪ BORING ♪
♪ WHY IS MY DADDY SO BORING ♪♪
GEE, I HOPE SOMEBODY
DROPS A HAMBURGER.
SO, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,
LET'S JUST SIT BACK,
ALTHOUGH BE CAREFUL,
THERE'S NO BACKS
ON YOUR CHAIRS...
AND RELAX AND ENJOY SOME
FUN QUALITY TIME TOGETHER.
DADDY, CAN I TAKE
THIS LOVE LETTER
OFF MY HEAD NOW?
MICHELLE, WHERE DID
YOU GET THIS LETTER?
DADDY GAVE IT TO ME.
SO YOU SENT THIS
LETTER TO REBECCA?
HEY, BECKY GAVE
THAT LETTER TO ME.
WHAT?
WAIT A MINUTE! YOU GAVE
ME THIS LETTER FIRST.
JOEY, DON'T JUST SIT THERE. YOU
KNOW YOU WROTE THIS LETTER TO ME.
WHAT LETTER?
THAT'S THE LETTER
MY JESSE SENT TO ME.
YEAH... YOUR JESSE?
I GOT THAT LETTER FROM
RUSTY. HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME.
NO WAY! I LOVE D.J.,
AND SHE LOVES ME.
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE,
AND WHERE'S MY REAL FAMILY?
HOLD IT.
H-H-H-H-HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
EVERYBODY JUST KNOCK IT OFF.
NOW, SOMEBODY WROTE THAT LETTER
AND I WANNA KNOW
WHO IT IS RIGHT NOW.
I KNOW WHO.
YOU DO? WHO?
IT WAS RUSTY.
SHE'S LYING! RUSTY!
OK. I'M LYING.
I WANTED D.J. TO THINK
IT WAS A LOVE LETTER
FROM THE PAPER BOY.
YOU LITTLE RAT.
PRETTY FUNNY, HUH? I'M
GLAD YOU ALL CAN TAKE A JOKE.
YOU ALL CAN TAKE
A JOKE, CAN'T YOU?
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER.
COME HERE, RUSTY.
GET HIM!
RUSTY. DON'T RUN AWAY
FORM ME, YOUNG MAN.
HI.
HI, RICKY.
HERE, I BROUGHT
YOUR DAD'S CHANGE.
OH, THANKS.
SO, UH, BARBECUE?
YEAH.
IT'S KIND OF A FAMILY
TOGETHERNESS THING.
RUSTY!
JESSE, HE'S JUST A KI...
NO. LET HIM GET HIM!
WAIT FOR ME. WAIT FOR ME.
WAIT FOR ME.
THEY'RE JUST WORKING
UP AN APPETITE.
WELL, IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, DIG IN.
GREAT. THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
AM GLAD I CAME BACK.
ME, TOO.
OH, MYLANTA!
COME HERE, RUSTY!
COME HERE!
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
YES?
DID YOU JUST EAT
THE CREAMY MIDDLE
OUT OF THAT COOKIE
AND PUT THE 2 ENDS
BACK TOGETHER?
YES.
YOU ATE THE MIDDLE
OUT OF EVERY COOKIE
IN THIS COOKIE JAR?
NEXT TIME, ONLY BUY THE MIDDLES.
♪ AHH ♪
♪ AAH ♪
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO PREDICTABILITY ♪
♪ THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY ♪
♪ EVENIN' TV ♪
♪ HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE ♪
♪ THIS OLD WORLD'S ♪
♪ CONFUSIN' ME ♪
♪ CLOUDS AS MEAN
AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ AIN'T A BIRD WHO
KNOWS YOUR TUNE ♪
♪ THEN A LITTLE VOICE
INSIDE YOU WHISPERS ♪
♪ KID, DON'T SELL YOUR
DREAMS SO SOON ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A HEART ♪
♪ A HAND TO HOLD ONTO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A FACE OF
SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ A LIGHT IS WAITIN' ♪
♪ TO CARRY YOU HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ DO BE DO BA BA DA ♪♪
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
BE RIGHT THERE!
COMING.
HEY, CINDY. HI.
RUSTY. HI, DANNY.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL
TANNER FAMILY QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
THANKS FOR INVITING US, EVEN
THOUGH WE'RE NOT OFFICIALLY FAMILY.
CINDY, WE'VE BEEN
DATING OVER A MONTH,
YOU DRY CLEAN MY SHORTS.
YOU'RE FAMILY.
WELL, HERE'S MY SEMI-LEGENDARY
HOMEMADE APPLE PIE.
OH, I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE.
I CAN'T WAIT.
APPARENTLY SOMEONE
ELSE COULDN'T WAIT, EITHER.
RUSTY!
SORRY, MOM... IT
WAS A LONG CAR RIDE.
DON'T GET IT! I'VE GOT IT!
DON'T GET IT! I'VE GOT IT!
D.J., WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S THE PAPER BOY, RICKY.
HOW DO I LOOK?
HUNGRY FOR LOVE.
PERFECT.
HI, RICKY.
HI, I'M HERE TO
COLLECT FOR THE PAPER.
UH, $3.50, MR. TANNER.
OK.
SORRY, RICKY, ALL
I HAVE IS A TWENTY.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.
THAT'S OK. KEEP IT.
COOL!
WHAT MY INCREDIBLY
GENEROUS DAUGHTER MEANS IS,
KEEP $1.00 AND COME
BACK WITH THE REST, OKAY?
THANKS FOR TRYING. I'LL BE BACK.
I'LL BE HERE. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
TOODLE-OO.
"TOODLE-OO"?
I'M SUCH A GEEK.
MR. AND MRS. RICKY PAPERBOY.
GROW UP.
CINDY, ISN'T THIS
CUTE? THEY'RE FIGHTING
JUST LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER.
EEW! EEW!
HEY, MISTER, WHAT
ARE YOU UP TO NOW?
WELL, I'M JUST TYPING A LETTER.
AND YOU CAN HELP ME DELIVER IT.
LIKE A MAILMAN.
I'M VERY BUSY TODAY.
WELL, TELL YOU
WHAT, LITTLE LADY.
I'LL GIVE YOU...
THIS BRIGHT, SHINY, NEW PENNY.
DON'T BE CHEAP,
GIVE ME A NICKEL.
WELL, YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN,
BUT HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY, NOW TAKE THIS
LETTER INTO THE KITCHEN,
AND GIVE IT TO YOUR SISTER.
NOW, HERE IS THE FUN PART.
TELL HER IT'S FROM
RICKY, THE PAPER BOY.
BUT THAT'S A LIE!
HERE IS ANOTHER NICKEL.
YOU GOT A DEAL, DUDE.
THIS IS GONNA MAKE D.J. CRAZY.
THIS IS FOR MY SISTER.
WHO GAVE THIS TO YOU?
I DO NOT LIE.
IT WAS RUSTY.
BUT I'M KEEPING THE MONEY.
"I'VE LOVED YOU
SECRETLY FOR A LONG TIME.
"WHEN I SEE YOU IN THE HOUSE,
MY HEART BURNS WITH PASSION.
"I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LOVE.
SIGNED, HOT FOR YOU."
EW! GROSS!
WHY DID YOU SAY "EW! GROSS!"?
BECAUSE... RUSTY LOVES ME.
EW! GROSS!
IF ANYONE FINDS OUT I GOT A
LOVE LETTER FROM THAT DUFUS,
I'LL DIE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, DANNY.
OH, HI, STEPH.
UH, YOUR DAD WANTS
THE AIR FRESHENER.
IN THE BACK YARD?
YEAH, HE SAID IT DOESN'T
SMELL WOODSY ENOUGH.
THAT'S MY DAD.
YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE HIM.
YOU DO.
CINDY, HOW'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
DRY CLEANER I'VE EVER KNOWN?
JOEY. WHAT DID YOU SPILL?
UH, KETCHUP ON MY SHIRT,
MUSTARD ON MY PANTS.
I'VE GOTTA STOP MAKING
SANDWICHES IN THE CAR.
I'LL TAKE IT OUT TO MY
VAN SO I DON'T FORGET.
CINDY, YOU ARE THE BEST.
BY THE WAY, I LEFT A LITTLE
NOTE IN THERE FOR YOU.
IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
HIS HEART BURNS WITH PASSION?
HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY LOVE?
JOEY'S HOT FOR ME?
CINDY?
CIN, YOU'VE GOTTA COME
SMELL THE BACK YARD.
IT'S PINE-FOREST FRESH.
I... I WILL, UM...
I JUST HAVE TO TAKE
OUT JOEY'S LAUNDRY.
OH, AND IT MEANS NOTHING TO ME.
NOTHING.
HI.
I'M TAKING JOEY'S
LAUNDRY OUT TO MY VAN.
WELL.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT.
HI, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
OH, AND THE JELL-O
DIDN'T GEL YET.
OH, HEY, THAT'S OK.
WE'LL JUST TELL
EVERYONE IT'S LIME SOUP.
BECK, DO ME A FAVOR.
TAKE A LOOK SOME
NOTES I MADE FOR
TOMORROW'S SHOW.
I'M THINKING ABOUT SOME CHANGES
THAT MAY AFFECT US BOTH.
LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, OKAY?
SURE, I'LL LOOK AT
THEM RIGHT NOW.
GREAT. I'LL GO PUT OUT SOME
SOUP BOWLS AND CROUTONS
FOR YOUR JELL-O.
OH, MY GOD.
DANNY CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT MY LOVE?
IF JESSE FINDS OUT,
HE'LL KILL DANNY.
HMM... I WOULD HAVE MY OWN SHOW.
I WENT TO FOUR DIFFERENT STORES
TRYING TO FIND DANNY LOW-SODIUM GHERKINS.
HE'S GETTING DILLS, AND
HE'S GONNA LIKE THEM.
I NEED A KISS.
I HAVE TO HIDE THIS.
I'VE GOTTA KEEP HIM KISSING ME.
I KNOW WHAT HE LIKES.
OOH, I LIKE THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BEHIND MY BACK?
UH, NOTHING.
WHAT IS THAT?
OH, A... LIBRARY BOOK.
WOULDN'T YOU
KNOW? KIMMY GIBBLER.
AND A MONTH OVERDUE.
BOY, THAT CHILD
IS OUT OF CONTROL.
JESS, WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN WITH MY PICKLES?
I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK.
WHERE DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN?
YOU SENT ME ON A WILD GHERKIN CHASE.
ALL I COULD FIND WERE
DILLS. HERE, ENJOY.
JESS, DILLS?
MY ENTIRE MENU IS BASED
AROUND THE GHERKIN.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO GO TO PICKLETOWN.
DANNY'S TRYING
TO GET RID OF JESSE
SO HE CAN BE ALONE WITH ME.
COME ON. DILLS, GHERKINS... WHAT'S
THE BIG DIFFERENCE? WHO CARES?
I CARE.
I CARE DEEPLY.
JESS, I'LL GO BRING
THE CAR AROUND.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE GOING TO THE
STORE, LET ME GO CHECK THE FRIDGE
AND SEE IF WE NEED
ANY OTHER CONDIMENTS.
OH, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA
SEND ME NOW, MUSTARD CITY?
HEY, IT IS RIGHT ACROSS
FROM PICKLETOWN.
OH, JESSE. IF YOU'RE GOING OUT,
CAN YOU PICK ME UP
A COPY OF TEEN HUNK?
IT HAS A SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF AD
FOR "NEW KIDS ON
THE BLOCK" COLOGNE.
"A," I DON'T BUY TEEN HUNK.
"2," HERE.
A LITTLE SURPRISE IN
THERE FOR YOU, KIMBO.
I GOT TWO NICKELS.
WHAT CAN I BUY WITH THIS?
A DIME.
THAT'S IT?
WHOA, BABY!
JESSE'S HOT FOR ME?
AND WHY NOT?
I'M TWICE THE WOMAN BECKY IS.
YOU BETTER BE NICE TO ME, KID.
IF I MARRY YOUR UNCLE JESSE,
I COULD BE YOUR AUNT KIMMY.
NO WAY, JOSE.
NO WAY, JOSE.
I BETTER GO GLAM UP FOR MY MAN.
TIME FOR A LITTLE
GLOSS AND FLOSS.
JESS, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
DANNY WANTED ME TO
GET A FEW MORE THINGS.
OH, I FORGOT MY SWEATER.
I'LL GET IT. THANKS.
A LOVE LETTER TO BECKY?
"WHEN I SEE YOU IN THE HOUSE..."
THIS MUST BE FROM DANNY OR JOEY.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS LETTER.
ME EITHER.
I'VE GOTTA LEARN TO READ.
MICHELLE, MY
DEAREST LITTLE NIECE,
COULD YOU GO ON AND ASK YOUR
DADDY AND JOEY TO COME IN HERE PLEASE?
IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE.
JESS? ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?
YEAH?
HONEY, I THOUGHT WE
WERE GOING TO THE STORE.
THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS.
GUYS!
DOES JESSE KNOW DANNY
GAVE ME THAT LOVE LETTER?
GENTLEMEN...
I'M GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT
NOW WHICH OF MY BEST FRIENDS
IS A BACK-STABBING WEASEL.
OK, WHICH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS
WOULD LIKE TO ESCORT
MY FIANCE TO PICKLETOWN?
HEY, I'LL GO. COME ON, BECKY.
AHA! SO DANNY'S THE WEASEL
WHO WANTS MY WEBECCA.
REBECCA.
DANNY, YOU'VE GOT A
MILLION THINGS TO DO.
I'LL TAKE BECKY.
HMM, MAYBE JOEY'S
THE REAL REASEL.
WEASEL.
JOEY!
OH, HI, CINDY.
YOU WANNA TAKE A
RIDE TO THE STORE?
WITH THE MAN WHO'S TRYING
TO STEAL ME FROM DANNY?
SORRY, I HAVEN'T SMELLED
THE BACK YARD YET.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS JUST STUPID.
I'M JUST GONNA CALL
PICKLETOWN. THEY DELIVER.
IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS,
OR YOUR PICKLES ARE FREE.
BECKY, YOU AND I NEED TO TALK.
HELLO, JESSE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, GIBBLER?
GOOD, PRETEND YOU DON'T LIKE ME.
BECKY WILL NEVER SUSPECT
YOU WROTE ME THAT LOVE LETTER.
KIMMY, YOU GOT SOME
GUNK IN YOUR EYE.
BECKY, I JUST WANT
YOU TO KNOW THAT...
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
I'LL WANT US TO BE FRIENDS.
THANKS, KIMMY. THAT'S
VERY REASSURING.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY NOW.
WAIT TILL THAT ROCK
IS ON MY FINGER.
I'M GONNA LEARN TO
READ IF IT KILLS ME.
THIS IS A "A." THIS IS A APPLE.
SO WHAT?
HEY, KID.
DID YOU DELIVER THE LETTER
I WROTE TO YOUR SISTER?
YES, I DID.
AND WHAT HAPPENED?
EVERYTHING WENT BANANAS.
I LOVE IT! YOU DID IT, MICHELLE.
WAY TO GO, KID!
COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE.
YOU KNOW WE MAKE A
GREAT TEAM TOGETHER.
I'VE GOTTA GET A
LOCK FOR MY DOOR.
D.J., YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
RUSTY WROTE ME A LOVE LETTER.
EW, GROSS!
WHAT IS HE THINKING?
HE'S TWO YEARS OLDER THAN ME,
AND HE'S A COMPLETE
COOTIE-BURGER.
I'M GONNA GO DUMP HIM.
STEPH, WAIT A SEC.
MAYBE I SHOULD TALK TO HIM.
IT'S JUST POSSIBLE RUSTY
MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS.
NAH! NAH!
HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S UP?
HOW RUDE!
RUSTY, HAVE A SEAT.
LET'S YOU AND I HAVE A TALK.
LET'S TALK ABOUT LOVE.
OK.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND THAT
YOU'RE READY FOR A GIRLFRIEND,
BUT IN MY OPINION, YOU NEED
A GIRLFRIEND WHO'S OLDER.
MORE MATURE.
OK.
COME ON! EVERYBODY
IN THE KITCHEN!
JUST THINK ABOUT
WHAT I SAID, OKAY?
SHE'S ALL OVER ME!
WE'LL TALK LATER.
THAT BABE IS HOT
FOR THE RUSTMAN!
OK, COME ON EVERYBODY! LEND A
HAND, IT'S TIME FOR THE FIRST ANNUAL
TANNER FAMILY
QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
EVERYBODY IN LINE.
OH, THIS IS GREAT, IT'S
LIKE ONE BIG LOVE TRAIN.
♪ PEOPLE ROUND THE
WORLD JOIN HANDS, UNH ♪
♪ START A LOVE
TRAIN, LOVE TRAIN ♪♪
GREAT, I'LL BE THE CABOOSE.
JOEY, STOP.
YOU WANNA BE THE CABOOSE?
JOEY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I CAN TALK TO ABOUT THIS.
IF JESSE EVER FOUND
OUT, HE'D GO CRAZY.
BECK, YOU CAN TRUST ME.
I KNOW. YOU'RE SO SWEET.
OH, HOW DO I SAY THIS?
JOEY, YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES A FRIEND
BECOMES SO CLOSE
TO ANOTHER FRIEND
THAT IT TURNS INTO LOVE,
WHICH WOULDN'T BE SO
BAD IF ONE OF THOSE FRIENDS
WASN'T ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.
JOEY, IS THIS MAKING ANY SENSE?
COMPLETE SENSE.
HOLY COW! BECKY'S
IN LOVE WITH ME.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
OH, UH, I WAS
CHECKING HER PULSE.
YEP. SHE'S VERY HEALTHY.
MMM. BOY, THOSE
HOT DOGS SMELL GOOD.
NOW I KNOW IT'S
JOEY. I'LL KILL HIM!
GOOD THING HE DOESN'T KNOW.
HE'D KILL ME.
HO.
HO HO.
HA HA HA.
WE NEED TO TALK
ABOUT THIS LETTER.
I KNOW THIS IS A BAD
TIME TO BRING IT UP,
BUT I HAD TO GET IT
OUT INTO THE OPEN.
BECKY'S IN LOVE WITH ME?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE
SO DARNED ATTRACTIVE?
HIDE THE LETTER. JESSE'S COMING.
HERE. YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
YOU NEVER SAW ME. NOW GO.
HI, JESS.
I THOUGHT IT WAS JOEY,
BUT THAT SILLY GUILTY GRIN.
MAYBE IT'S DANNY. I'LL KILL
BOTH OF THEM, SORT IT OUT LATER.
HERE'S YOUR BURGER, HONEY.
HI, JESSE. I SAVED YOU A SEAT.
KIMMY, YOU'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT EYE OF YOURS.
I'VE GOTTA TELL JOEY HE
DOESN'T HAVE A CHANCE WITH ME.
JOEY?
HI, CINDY. JUST BE HONEST.
YOU HAVE SALAD
DRESSING ON YOUR SHIRT.
OH, GEE, THANKS.
WAIT, UH, NO. THERE'S MORE.
REALLY, WHERE?
NO. NO.
JOEY, SOMETIMES THE
WRONG PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE.
OH, IT'S NOT ANYBODY'S
FAULT, IT JUST HAPPENS.
I DON'T WANT DANNY TO GET HURT.
SO LET'S JUST TRY TO CONTROL
OUR BURNING PASSIONS, ALL RIGHT?
I'LL TRY MY BEST.
COME ON, GUYS. TIME
FOR BARBECUE FUN.
FIRST BECKY FALLS
FOR ME, NOW CINDY?
BOY, THIS NEW KIDS
ON THE BLOCK COLOGNE
REALLY WORKS.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL
TANNER FAMILY
QUALITY TIME BARBECUE.
I CAN'T SAY THAT ENOUGH.
NOW, EXACTLY WHAT
IS QUALITY TIME?
I WOULD DEFINE IT AS
TIME THAT WE ALL GET
TO SPEND TOGETHER...
ONE FALSE MOVE
AND RUSTY GET A
WEENIE IN HIS EAR.
D.J. IS SUCH A BABE.
WHY IS RUSTY STARING AT ME?
DO I HAVE SOMETHING
STUCK IN MY TEETH?
WHAT AM I GETTING
AT HERE? QUALITY...
I'VE GOTTA FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO
ABOUT BECKY FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME.
IT'S A GOOD THING I CAN RAMBLE ON
FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND... HOURS.
LOOK AT DANNY,
BABBLING ON THE OUTSIDE,
BURNING WITH PASSION
FOR ME ON THE INSIDE.
LOOK AT THESE WEASELS.
ONE CAN'T SHUT UP,
AND THE OTHER NEEDS A BIB.
I'LL BE DOING MANKIND A
FAVOR WHEN I KILL THEM.
MRS. KIMMY KATSOPOLIS.
SOUNDS SO GEEKY.
I'LL HAVE HIM TAKE MY NAME.
MR. JESSE GIBBLER.
I SURE HOPE BECKY AND CINDY
DON'T FIGHT OVER ME RIGHT HERE,
ALTHOUGH IT COULD BE
FUN IF WE BUILT A MUD PIT.
JOEY IS SWEET, BUT I LIKE DANNY.
OH, HE'S SUCH AN
ELOQUENT SPEAKER.
♪ BORING ♪
♪ BORING ♪
♪ WHY IS MY DADDY SO BORING ♪♪
GEE, I HOPE SOMEBODY
DROPS A HAMBURGER.
SO, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,
LET'S JUST SIT BACK,
ALTHOUGH BE CAREFUL,
THERE'S NO BACKS
ON YOUR CHAIRS...
AND RELAX AND ENJOY SOME
FUN QUALITY TIME TOGETHER.
DADDY, CAN I TAKE
THIS LOVE LETTER
OFF MY HEAD NOW?
MICHELLE, WHERE DID
YOU GET THIS LETTER?
DADDY GAVE IT TO ME.
SO YOU SENT THIS
LETTER TO REBECCA?
HEY, BECKY GAVE
THAT LETTER TO ME.
WHAT?
WAIT A MINUTE! YOU GAVE
ME THIS LETTER FIRST.
JOEY, DON'T JUST SIT THERE. YOU
KNOW YOU WROTE THIS LETTER TO ME.
WHAT LETTER?
THAT'S THE LETTER
MY JESSE SENT TO ME.
YEAH... YOUR JESSE?
I GOT THAT LETTER FROM
RUSTY. HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME.
NO WAY! I LOVE D.J.,
AND SHE LOVES ME.
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE,
AND WHERE'S MY REAL FAMILY?
HOLD IT.
H-H-H-H-HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
EVERYBODY JUST KNOCK IT OFF.
NOW, SOMEBODY WROTE THAT LETTER
AND I WANNA KNOW
WHO IT IS RIGHT NOW.
I KNOW WHO.
YOU DO? WHO?
IT WAS RUSTY.
SHE'S LYING! RUSTY!
OK. I'M LYING.
I WANTED D.J. TO THINK
IT WAS A LOVE LETTER
FROM THE PAPER BOY.
YOU LITTLE RAT.
PRETTY FUNNY, HUH? I'M
GLAD YOU ALL CAN TAKE A JOKE.
YOU ALL CAN TAKE
A JOKE, CAN'T YOU?
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER.
COME HERE, RUSTY.
GET HIM!
RUSTY. DON'T RUN AWAY
FORM ME, YOUNG MAN.
HI.
HI, RICKY.
HERE, I BROUGHT
YOUR DAD'S CHANGE.
OH, THANKS.
SO, UH, BARBECUE?
YEAH.
IT'S KIND OF A FAMILY
TOGETHERNESS THING.
RUSTY!
JESSE, HE'S JUST A KI...
NO. LET HIM GET HIM!
WAIT FOR ME. WAIT FOR ME.
WAIT FOR ME.
THEY'RE JUST WORKING
UP AN APPETITE.
WELL, IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, DIG IN.
GREAT. THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
AM GLAD I CAME BACK.
ME, TOO.
OH, MYLANTA!
COME HERE, RUSTY!
COME HERE!
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.