Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 8 - Divorce Court - full transcript
Differing plans on Halloween causes a 'divorce' in the family, while the adults to avoid wearing a dress.
Okay, Michelle, I'm-a
teach you a song.
It's a little before your time,
but it's extremely hip. Okay?
It goes something like this.
One, two... [SNAPS]
How do you do that?
Oh, you mean snap my fingers?
Oh, well, I... I use my
middle finger, my thumb,
and I put 'em together,
and I go like that:
It's very, very cool,
but it's kind of a
grown-up thing. You know?
I mean, when I was your age,
I could barely
walk, let alone snap.
[SNAPPING]
I'm cool.
Show off.
Okay, Michelle.
Let's do it, baby.
Let's swing. Let
it fly! Here we go.
Here we go.
♪ Oh, that shark, babe ♪
♪ Has pretty teeth, dear ♪
Take it, Michelle.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle bells... ♪
No, no, no, Michelle.
Now, if you're
gonna sing it, baby,
you gots to swing it. Ready?
BOTH: ♪ Jingle
bells, jingle bells ♪
Shake your tushie!
BOTH: ♪ Jingle
bells Jingle bells... ♪
[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
Okay, boys, what
do you wanna play?
I've got dolls, I've
got the Dream House.
We could play dress-up,
maybe do a fashion makeover.
BOTH: Yuck.
Let's play guns!
[BOTH IMITATING GUNSHOTS]
Walter, Jimmy... puh-leez!
Why are you men always fighting?
Actually, I'm a
lover, not a fighter.
Let's play guns.
Bam!
Bam! Bam!
Bam, bam, bam, bam!
You can't hurt me.
This thing is bulletproof.
Bam, bam!
Bam, bam! Bam, bam,
bam... Freeze, dweebs!
Stephanie, what's rule
number one in this room?
Never touch your stuff.
Heh, heh.
Little sisters, what a pain.
Yeah, I'm glad my parents
stopped having kids after me.
Gee, I wonder why.
Okay, it's time for all
puppet-people to leave the room.
Hey!
Let's go.
We have very important
things to discuss.
So do we, Deej.
We have to discuss what
our costumes are gonna be
for the Halloween carnival.
I'm gonna be Batman or Wonder
Woman or... Connie Chung.
You're not going to
that kiddie carnival
at our old elementary
school, are you?
Monica, D.J.'s coming with us
to Kathy Santoni's
Halloween party.
But, D.J., you promised me
you would go with me
to the Halloween carnival.
We go together every year.
Yes, and I'll always
treasure those memories.
But I'm in junior high.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
All right.
If you children don't mind,
my friends and I have very
important things to discuss
that are way over your head.
Like what?
Like guys.
Yeah.
We're gonna rate them
on the Gibbler
scale of studliness.
Well, you can rate
all the guys you want.
But... while you're
talking about it...
I'm... living it.
Okay, Michelle, I want
you to zig right, zag left,
go long, and I'll hit ya.
Got it, dude.
Grrr!
Grrr!
Okay, Michelle.
Hike me the ball
when I say "boo."
Bippity... boppity... boo!
Now what?
Catch.
Now what?
Run, touchdown!
Michelle runs through
the defense and scores!
Touchdown! Spike it!
Yay!
Okay, do the Michelle shuffle.
Grrr!
JOEY & DANNY: Grrr! Grrr!
Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!
Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!
Grrr... Underwear
a little tight, boys?
Hey, man, we were
playing football with Michelle.
Oh, you two against Michelle?
My money's on the kid.
It just so happens
I was a high jumper
on the high school track team.
And I got a letter in
football and basketball.
Ahh!
That's because you
were the school mascot,
Ollie the Fighting Oyster.
You were Ollie the
Fighting Oyster?
Okay, tough guy.
What team were
you on in high school?
Come on, Beck. Let's
get dinner started.
Oh, wait a minute, Jess.
What team were you on?
Oh, he wasn't on a team.
I was too. I was on a team.
Jess. Sort of.
Jess.
Okay, maybe it... It...
It was a group thing.
Jesse.
Okay, I was in the
glee club, you happy?
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Sorry.
Hey, I could take you
chumps in any sport, anytime.
Right. Heh, sing me to death.
Hey, come on, think
about it. Look at the facts.
Thirty-something, 20-something.
Hard body, lard body.
All right, Mr. Universe,
I challenge you
to... some kind of
manly athletic event.
You're on. Count me in.
Okay, I have a great idea.
How about a race?
Perfect. Tomorrow
at the track, 8 a.m.
A quarter mile
for all the glory.
I'll be there. I'll be there.
Heh, I will definitely be there.
BOTH: Dad! Dad!
D.J. Your friends have to leave!
STEPH: No, yours.
Dad, tell Stephanie her friends
have to get out of my room.
Tell D.J. and her friends they
have to get out of my room.
You get out.
I'm older. I'm younger.
I'm taller. I'm shorter.
I'm smarter. I'm...
not falling for that.
Girls, cool it.
Now, I want you
both to apologize
and give each other
a hug right now.
But, Dad, D.J. promised
she would go with me
to the Halloween carnival.
I never promised.
You said you'd go.
So I changed my mind.
You can't do that.
Yes, I can. No, you can't.
That's enough!
Okay, look, I'm sorry,
but I want all of
your friends to leave,
and I want you both up
in your room right now.
No music, no
phone, no television.
And you are not coming out
until you learn to get along.
Do you understand?
BOTH: Yes, Dad.
[BOTH SHOUTING]
And I don't wanna
hear anymore arguing.
[BOTH WHISPERING ANGRILY]
[♪♪♪]
Yes!
You snails don't stand
a chance tomorrow.
Why, 'cause you took
one jog around the block?
Actually, I haven't run yet.
I'm just really excited
I found my stopwatch.
All I need to win that race
is a Tanner health shake,
and you wimps as my competition.
Pretty tough talk
comin' from the cover
boy to Geek Illustrated.
Geek Illustrated.
Ha, ha, ha.
I say we put a bet on this race.
Bet? You got it, pal.
You name it, and I'll claim it.
[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER]
Okay, you puny girlie-men...
hear me now,
think about it later.
Tomorrow is the school
Halloween carnival.
I say that the
losers have to wear
whatever costumes
that the winner picks.
So, Mr. Bear,
when do you think D.J. will
come to her senses and apologize?
When that bear
answers you out loud.
On behalf of Mr. Bear, how rude.
[GULPS LOUDLY]
Must you glug your milk?
Does it bother you?
Yes.
Then... I must.
[GULPING]
Look, I cannot
take this anymore.
Let's just pretend to make
up, and then Dad'll be happy.
Great idea.
Let me do the talking.
I'm smarter than you.
If you were so smart,
you would have thought
of this three hours ago.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
DANNY: Can I come in, girls?
Just a minute!
Get over here
and start laughing.
Okay.
[LAUGHING] Sure, come in, Dad.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, now, this sounds better.
You two have a little talk?
Yeah, we decided to
chill out and get along.
Right.
Did you, uh, hug yet?
We were saving that for you.
Come here, little sis.
I'm coming, big sis.
Awww, thanks for waiting.
Okay, your punishment's over.
I'm off to the gym to get
pumped for the big race.
See you later, girls.
BOTH: Bye, Dad.
BOTH: Ewww!
Well, thank goodness
I have another sister.
A good sister.
So go live with her.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I'll get a
divorce from you.
You want a divorce? You got it.
Fine. Then I'll go tell
Michelle I'm moving in with her.
And I'll go call Kimmy and
tell her I have my own room.
Not so fast.
Half of everything
in this room is mine.
In my old room, D.J.
was the big sister.
But in this room,
I'm the big sister.
So there are only two
words you need to know:
"Okay, boss."
Okay, boss.
Ooh, this is gonna be so sweet.
Just came in to say good...
golly, Miss Molly, what's
your bed doing in here?
I decided it was time for
D.J. to have her own room.
I don't know how
much she paid you,
but you give her that
money back right now.
It was my idea.
All right, it's fine with me.
But I'm gonna have a chat with
your Dad when he gets home.
Good night. Good night.
Good night, Uncle Jesse.
Now, you girls get some sleep.
Okay, boss.
I'm the boss?
She's the boss.
Where do these
kids get this stuff?
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
Go to sleep, munchkins.
Good night, boss.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
I see you're not missing
Stephanie too badly.
Stephanie who?
Michelle, did you just
hit me on the head?
Who, me?
Go back to sleep.
I'm the boss.
I'm the boss. I'm the boss.
I'm the boss. I'm the boss.
I'm in trouble.
I'm the boss, I'm the boss.
[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER] ♪
Out goes the bad air in comes the good ♪
♪ Out goes the bad
air In comes the good ♪
Joey.
You want a jelly roll?
Scratch that, you
already got one.
Hi, guys.
Becky, what's our
crew doing here?
Well, Danny, l know how
you love my little surprises.
I never love your
little surprises.
Roll tape. MAN: Rolling.
Okay, all you lucky viewers
of Wake Up, San Francisco,
we have a special treat for you.
A rare glimpse into the
athletic, macho, jock side
of Danny Tanner.
I am just running a
friendly, little race here
with my buddies. It's... It's
just once around the track.
It's not worth getting a whole
segment on our show with this.
[LAUGHS] Oh, I think it is.
Okay, get that camera
car into position.
Camera car?
Gentlemen, to the starting line.
JESSE: Let's do it, boys.
This is it. This is it.
DANNY: I got this.
Wait.
Look, uh, guys,
you gotta let me win.
I can't lose on my own show.
I can't let you win.
Remember the winner gets to
make the losers wear costumes
to Stephanie's
Halloween carnival.
I already got yours picked out.
Big Bird, meet Snuffleupagus.
Ah!
On your mark...
JESSE: Here we go.
Get set... go!
[♪♪♪]
And they're off.
Danny is off to
a lightning start.
Boy, if he continues
at this pace,
he could break the world record.
He's movin'. He's movin'.
JOEY [IMITATING ROAD
RUNNER]: Beep-beep!
What are you doing here?
I gotta win this race.
Then I suggest you
run faster than us.
Oh, now he looks like
the Danny Tanner I know.
[PANTING] You guys...
aren't getting... tired are you?
No, not me. Not at all.
Me either.
For those of you at home
who think you're watching
a slow-motion replay,
do not be fooled.
They are actually
moving at this speed.
Guys, let's all cross
the finish line together.
That way everybody saves face.
Fine with me.
If it'll stop this
pain in my side...
I'm all for it.
They're neck and
neck... and neck.
Come on, you turtles!
That's my girlfriend
calling me a turtle.
Sorry, Danny.
I'm not losing this bet.
I already rented costumes.
It's my show.
I gotta win.
Hey, it looks like
we got a race!
And here they come. It's
gonna be a photo finish.
[ALL PANTING]
Gentlemen... any comments?
[ALL PANTING & GROANING]
I think what they're
trying to say is,
"We should have
run a shorter race."
Oh, and here comes the picture.
And the winner is...
Danny Tanner by a nose!
Yay! No!
Danny, to what do you
attribute that last surge of power?
Fear of public humiliation.
And to my worthy
opponents, all I can say now is,
trick or treat, boys!
[LAUGHS]
That's a wrap.
And a nap.
JESSE: Ridiculous! This
picture is fake. Look at this!
Hey, what happened?
I won the race.
All right!
Well, not all of him won.
Just his nose.
What a night.
You look trashed.
That's because
living with Michelle
is a nightmare on Sesame Street.
Dad, I want my room back.
No way.
It was so wonderful waking
up to the birds chirping
instead of you
blowing your nose.
Whoa, girls, what happened
to that beautiful
hug I saw last night?
It was a fake hug.
A fake hug?
In my house?
It was D.J.'s idea!
You little weasel!
I want my room back.
So take me to court.
I will. I'll take you
to People's Court.
Wait a minute.
We don't need Judge Wapner.
We have Judge Tanner.
Now, here's an idea.
We will have our own court
right here in our living room
to decide who
is living with who.
Great. And Joey and
I will be the lawyers.
That is a great idea.
The court appoints
Mr. Katsopolis
to represent Stephanie,
and Mr. Gladstone
to represent D.J.
I expect you to
tell the whole truth.
All right, court is
now in session.
[SQUEAKS]
Defense, please
call your first witness.
Your Honor, I call
Donna Jo Tanner
to the stand, please.
Donna Jo,
please tell the court why
you no longer wish to share
your room with your
perky little sister.
Ooo-bjection, Your Honor.
Please instruct counsel not
to characterize the plaintiff.
How do you know all that junk?
I love those lawyer shows.
D.J., please tell the court
what your problem
is with Stephanie.
It's simple.
She's in elementary
school, I'm in junior high.
We have nothing in common.
And I really need my
privacy to make phone calls,
to put on makeup.
But every time I turn around...
there she is.
There must be
five or six of her.
Thank you, Donna Jo.
Your witness, counsel.
Miss Tanner, you have
just stated on record
that you have nothing
in common with my client.
But isn't it true that
Wednesday last...
you were found playing Barbie
dolls with young Stephanie?
Well, there was
nothing else to do.
It was raining...
No further questions,
Your Honor.
I'd like to call
Stephanie Judith
Tanner to the stand.
I can't live with
Michelle. I'll go nuts!
Please wait for the question.
[WHISPERS] Sorry.
So, why can't you
live with Michelle?
[SHOUTS] I'll go nuts!
No further questions.
I have a question:
Why did you move
out in the first place?
Because I can't live with D.J.
At least not this D.J.
I miss the old D.J.,
the one who used to like me.
Steph... it's not
that I don't like you.
It's just that I'd
like you better
if you were in a different room.
Well, that is just
not gonna happen.
Michelle is still very young,
and I don't want her to
have a roommate right now.
Stephanie, you
have to realize that...
D.J. is becoming a young woman.
Things aren't gonna be
exactly the way they were.
You have to understand that.
Okay.
And, D.J., you
have to understand
that Stephanie is still
gonna be your roommate,
so you have to find some
way to get along with her.
Okay.
Girls, I... I realize this
five-year age difference
seems like a lot now, but...
before you know it,
it won't mean a thing.
You know, someday,
girls, you're gonna realize
just how lucky you are
to have one another.
Okay, let's move Stephanie's
stuff back into her room.
Let's go.
Can't we play more lawyer?
So, Mr. Bear, do
you think anyone else
will be dressed as
Batman this year?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Boy, I'm gonna get tired
of doing this laugh all night.
Well, have fun at your party.
Why are you moping around?
You love the carnival.
Yeah, but it's gonna be
my first carnival without you.
I don't get it.
Why do you wanna hang
out with me so much?
Well, the truth is,
I like to hang out
with you because...
I wanna be just like you.
You're smart and
pretty and really cool.
Wouldn't you wanna
hang out with you?
Can't argue with any of that.
I guess sometimes I like
hanging out with you too.
Really?
How come?
Well, you're a little nutty, but
you always make me laugh.
And you have
definite cool potential.
Tell you what,
I'll go to that Halloween
carnival with you, and...
I'll go to my party later.
Really? Awww, thanks, D.J.
Hold that hug.
I don't want a roommate.
But since I have to have one,
I guess I couldn't think
of anyone better than you.
Wow!
Two nice things in a row.
Now?
Now.
Awww.
Batman hugging the Joker.
Now, this is how the
movie should have ended.
Meee-ooow.
Aw, Michelle,
you are the cutest
kitten in town.
Guys, come on in.
We don't wanna be late
for the kids'
Halloween carnival.
JOEY: Oh, yes, we do.
[ALL LAUGH]
Yuk it up all you want, Danny.
There's one thing
we forgot to tell you.
We're your dates.
JOEY & JESSE: ♪ On
the good ship Lollipop ♪
♪ It's a sweet trip
On the candy shop ♪
[♪♪♪]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
[♪♪♪]
teach you a song.
It's a little before your time,
but it's extremely hip. Okay?
It goes something like this.
One, two... [SNAPS]
How do you do that?
Oh, you mean snap my fingers?
Oh, well, I... I use my
middle finger, my thumb,
and I put 'em together,
and I go like that:
It's very, very cool,
but it's kind of a
grown-up thing. You know?
I mean, when I was your age,
I could barely
walk, let alone snap.
[SNAPPING]
I'm cool.
Show off.
Okay, Michelle.
Let's do it, baby.
Let's swing. Let
it fly! Here we go.
Here we go.
♪ Oh, that shark, babe ♪
♪ Has pretty teeth, dear ♪
Take it, Michelle.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle bells... ♪
No, no, no, Michelle.
Now, if you're
gonna sing it, baby,
you gots to swing it. Ready?
BOTH: ♪ Jingle
bells, jingle bells ♪
Shake your tushie!
BOTH: ♪ Jingle
bells Jingle bells... ♪
[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
Okay, boys, what
do you wanna play?
I've got dolls, I've
got the Dream House.
We could play dress-up,
maybe do a fashion makeover.
BOTH: Yuck.
Let's play guns!
[BOTH IMITATING GUNSHOTS]
Walter, Jimmy... puh-leez!
Why are you men always fighting?
Actually, I'm a
lover, not a fighter.
Let's play guns.
Bam!
Bam! Bam!
Bam, bam, bam, bam!
You can't hurt me.
This thing is bulletproof.
Bam, bam!
Bam, bam! Bam, bam,
bam... Freeze, dweebs!
Stephanie, what's rule
number one in this room?
Never touch your stuff.
Heh, heh.
Little sisters, what a pain.
Yeah, I'm glad my parents
stopped having kids after me.
Gee, I wonder why.
Okay, it's time for all
puppet-people to leave the room.
Hey!
Let's go.
We have very important
things to discuss.
So do we, Deej.
We have to discuss what
our costumes are gonna be
for the Halloween carnival.
I'm gonna be Batman or Wonder
Woman or... Connie Chung.
You're not going to
that kiddie carnival
at our old elementary
school, are you?
Monica, D.J.'s coming with us
to Kathy Santoni's
Halloween party.
But, D.J., you promised me
you would go with me
to the Halloween carnival.
We go together every year.
Yes, and I'll always
treasure those memories.
But I'm in junior high.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
All right.
If you children don't mind,
my friends and I have very
important things to discuss
that are way over your head.
Like what?
Like guys.
Yeah.
We're gonna rate them
on the Gibbler
scale of studliness.
Well, you can rate
all the guys you want.
But... while you're
talking about it...
I'm... living it.
Okay, Michelle, I want
you to zig right, zag left,
go long, and I'll hit ya.
Got it, dude.
Grrr!
Grrr!
Okay, Michelle.
Hike me the ball
when I say "boo."
Bippity... boppity... boo!
Now what?
Catch.
Now what?
Run, touchdown!
Michelle runs through
the defense and scores!
Touchdown! Spike it!
Yay!
Okay, do the Michelle shuffle.
Grrr!
JOEY & DANNY: Grrr! Grrr!
Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!
Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!
Grrr... Underwear
a little tight, boys?
Hey, man, we were
playing football with Michelle.
Oh, you two against Michelle?
My money's on the kid.
It just so happens
I was a high jumper
on the high school track team.
And I got a letter in
football and basketball.
Ahh!
That's because you
were the school mascot,
Ollie the Fighting Oyster.
You were Ollie the
Fighting Oyster?
Okay, tough guy.
What team were
you on in high school?
Come on, Beck. Let's
get dinner started.
Oh, wait a minute, Jess.
What team were you on?
Oh, he wasn't on a team.
I was too. I was on a team.
Jess. Sort of.
Jess.
Okay, maybe it... It...
It was a group thing.
Jesse.
Okay, I was in the
glee club, you happy?
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Sorry.
Hey, I could take you
chumps in any sport, anytime.
Right. Heh, sing me to death.
Hey, come on, think
about it. Look at the facts.
Thirty-something, 20-something.
Hard body, lard body.
All right, Mr. Universe,
I challenge you
to... some kind of
manly athletic event.
You're on. Count me in.
Okay, I have a great idea.
How about a race?
Perfect. Tomorrow
at the track, 8 a.m.
A quarter mile
for all the glory.
I'll be there. I'll be there.
Heh, I will definitely be there.
BOTH: Dad! Dad!
D.J. Your friends have to leave!
STEPH: No, yours.
Dad, tell Stephanie her friends
have to get out of my room.
Tell D.J. and her friends they
have to get out of my room.
You get out.
I'm older. I'm younger.
I'm taller. I'm shorter.
I'm smarter. I'm...
not falling for that.
Girls, cool it.
Now, I want you
both to apologize
and give each other
a hug right now.
But, Dad, D.J. promised
she would go with me
to the Halloween carnival.
I never promised.
You said you'd go.
So I changed my mind.
You can't do that.
Yes, I can. No, you can't.
That's enough!
Okay, look, I'm sorry,
but I want all of
your friends to leave,
and I want you both up
in your room right now.
No music, no
phone, no television.
And you are not coming out
until you learn to get along.
Do you understand?
BOTH: Yes, Dad.
[BOTH SHOUTING]
And I don't wanna
hear anymore arguing.
[BOTH WHISPERING ANGRILY]
[♪♪♪]
Yes!
You snails don't stand
a chance tomorrow.
Why, 'cause you took
one jog around the block?
Actually, I haven't run yet.
I'm just really excited
I found my stopwatch.
All I need to win that race
is a Tanner health shake,
and you wimps as my competition.
Pretty tough talk
comin' from the cover
boy to Geek Illustrated.
Geek Illustrated.
Ha, ha, ha.
I say we put a bet on this race.
Bet? You got it, pal.
You name it, and I'll claim it.
[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER]
Okay, you puny girlie-men...
hear me now,
think about it later.
Tomorrow is the school
Halloween carnival.
I say that the
losers have to wear
whatever costumes
that the winner picks.
So, Mr. Bear,
when do you think D.J. will
come to her senses and apologize?
When that bear
answers you out loud.
On behalf of Mr. Bear, how rude.
[GULPS LOUDLY]
Must you glug your milk?
Does it bother you?
Yes.
Then... I must.
[GULPING]
Look, I cannot
take this anymore.
Let's just pretend to make
up, and then Dad'll be happy.
Great idea.
Let me do the talking.
I'm smarter than you.
If you were so smart,
you would have thought
of this three hours ago.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
DANNY: Can I come in, girls?
Just a minute!
Get over here
and start laughing.
Okay.
[LAUGHING] Sure, come in, Dad.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, now, this sounds better.
You two have a little talk?
Yeah, we decided to
chill out and get along.
Right.
Did you, uh, hug yet?
We were saving that for you.
Come here, little sis.
I'm coming, big sis.
Awww, thanks for waiting.
Okay, your punishment's over.
I'm off to the gym to get
pumped for the big race.
See you later, girls.
BOTH: Bye, Dad.
BOTH: Ewww!
Well, thank goodness
I have another sister.
A good sister.
So go live with her.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I'll get a
divorce from you.
You want a divorce? You got it.
Fine. Then I'll go tell
Michelle I'm moving in with her.
And I'll go call Kimmy and
tell her I have my own room.
Not so fast.
Half of everything
in this room is mine.
In my old room, D.J.
was the big sister.
But in this room,
I'm the big sister.
So there are only two
words you need to know:
"Okay, boss."
Okay, boss.
Ooh, this is gonna be so sweet.
Just came in to say good...
golly, Miss Molly, what's
your bed doing in here?
I decided it was time for
D.J. to have her own room.
I don't know how
much she paid you,
but you give her that
money back right now.
It was my idea.
All right, it's fine with me.
But I'm gonna have a chat with
your Dad when he gets home.
Good night. Good night.
Good night, Uncle Jesse.
Now, you girls get some sleep.
Okay, boss.
I'm the boss?
She's the boss.
Where do these
kids get this stuff?
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
Go to sleep, munchkins.
Good night, boss.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
I see you're not missing
Stephanie too badly.
Stephanie who?
Michelle, did you just
hit me on the head?
Who, me?
Go back to sleep.
I'm the boss.
I'm the boss. I'm the boss.
I'm the boss. I'm the boss.
I'm in trouble.
I'm the boss, I'm the boss.
[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER] ♪
Out goes the bad air in comes the good ♪
♪ Out goes the bad
air In comes the good ♪
Joey.
You want a jelly roll?
Scratch that, you
already got one.
Hi, guys.
Becky, what's our
crew doing here?
Well, Danny, l know how
you love my little surprises.
I never love your
little surprises.
Roll tape. MAN: Rolling.
Okay, all you lucky viewers
of Wake Up, San Francisco,
we have a special treat for you.
A rare glimpse into the
athletic, macho, jock side
of Danny Tanner.
I am just running a
friendly, little race here
with my buddies. It's... It's
just once around the track.
It's not worth getting a whole
segment on our show with this.
[LAUGHS] Oh, I think it is.
Okay, get that camera
car into position.
Camera car?
Gentlemen, to the starting line.
JESSE: Let's do it, boys.
This is it. This is it.
DANNY: I got this.
Wait.
Look, uh, guys,
you gotta let me win.
I can't lose on my own show.
I can't let you win.
Remember the winner gets to
make the losers wear costumes
to Stephanie's
Halloween carnival.
I already got yours picked out.
Big Bird, meet Snuffleupagus.
Ah!
On your mark...
JESSE: Here we go.
Get set... go!
[♪♪♪]
And they're off.
Danny is off to
a lightning start.
Boy, if he continues
at this pace,
he could break the world record.
He's movin'. He's movin'.
JOEY [IMITATING ROAD
RUNNER]: Beep-beep!
What are you doing here?
I gotta win this race.
Then I suggest you
run faster than us.
Oh, now he looks like
the Danny Tanner I know.
[PANTING] You guys...
aren't getting... tired are you?
No, not me. Not at all.
Me either.
For those of you at home
who think you're watching
a slow-motion replay,
do not be fooled.
They are actually
moving at this speed.
Guys, let's all cross
the finish line together.
That way everybody saves face.
Fine with me.
If it'll stop this
pain in my side...
I'm all for it.
They're neck and
neck... and neck.
Come on, you turtles!
That's my girlfriend
calling me a turtle.
Sorry, Danny.
I'm not losing this bet.
I already rented costumes.
It's my show.
I gotta win.
Hey, it looks like
we got a race!
And here they come. It's
gonna be a photo finish.
[ALL PANTING]
Gentlemen... any comments?
[ALL PANTING & GROANING]
I think what they're
trying to say is,
"We should have
run a shorter race."
Oh, and here comes the picture.
And the winner is...
Danny Tanner by a nose!
Yay! No!
Danny, to what do you
attribute that last surge of power?
Fear of public humiliation.
And to my worthy
opponents, all I can say now is,
trick or treat, boys!
[LAUGHS]
That's a wrap.
And a nap.
JESSE: Ridiculous! This
picture is fake. Look at this!
Hey, what happened?
I won the race.
All right!
Well, not all of him won.
Just his nose.
What a night.
You look trashed.
That's because
living with Michelle
is a nightmare on Sesame Street.
Dad, I want my room back.
No way.
It was so wonderful waking
up to the birds chirping
instead of you
blowing your nose.
Whoa, girls, what happened
to that beautiful
hug I saw last night?
It was a fake hug.
A fake hug?
In my house?
It was D.J.'s idea!
You little weasel!
I want my room back.
So take me to court.
I will. I'll take you
to People's Court.
Wait a minute.
We don't need Judge Wapner.
We have Judge Tanner.
Now, here's an idea.
We will have our own court
right here in our living room
to decide who
is living with who.
Great. And Joey and
I will be the lawyers.
That is a great idea.
The court appoints
Mr. Katsopolis
to represent Stephanie,
and Mr. Gladstone
to represent D.J.
I expect you to
tell the whole truth.
All right, court is
now in session.
[SQUEAKS]
Defense, please
call your first witness.
Your Honor, I call
Donna Jo Tanner
to the stand, please.
Donna Jo,
please tell the court why
you no longer wish to share
your room with your
perky little sister.
Ooo-bjection, Your Honor.
Please instruct counsel not
to characterize the plaintiff.
How do you know all that junk?
I love those lawyer shows.
D.J., please tell the court
what your problem
is with Stephanie.
It's simple.
She's in elementary
school, I'm in junior high.
We have nothing in common.
And I really need my
privacy to make phone calls,
to put on makeup.
But every time I turn around...
there she is.
There must be
five or six of her.
Thank you, Donna Jo.
Your witness, counsel.
Miss Tanner, you have
just stated on record
that you have nothing
in common with my client.
But isn't it true that
Wednesday last...
you were found playing Barbie
dolls with young Stephanie?
Well, there was
nothing else to do.
It was raining...
No further questions,
Your Honor.
I'd like to call
Stephanie Judith
Tanner to the stand.
I can't live with
Michelle. I'll go nuts!
Please wait for the question.
[WHISPERS] Sorry.
So, why can't you
live with Michelle?
[SHOUTS] I'll go nuts!
No further questions.
I have a question:
Why did you move
out in the first place?
Because I can't live with D.J.
At least not this D.J.
I miss the old D.J.,
the one who used to like me.
Steph... it's not
that I don't like you.
It's just that I'd
like you better
if you were in a different room.
Well, that is just
not gonna happen.
Michelle is still very young,
and I don't want her to
have a roommate right now.
Stephanie, you
have to realize that...
D.J. is becoming a young woman.
Things aren't gonna be
exactly the way they were.
You have to understand that.
Okay.
And, D.J., you
have to understand
that Stephanie is still
gonna be your roommate,
so you have to find some
way to get along with her.
Okay.
Girls, I... I realize this
five-year age difference
seems like a lot now, but...
before you know it,
it won't mean a thing.
You know, someday,
girls, you're gonna realize
just how lucky you are
to have one another.
Okay, let's move Stephanie's
stuff back into her room.
Let's go.
Can't we play more lawyer?
So, Mr. Bear, do
you think anyone else
will be dressed as
Batman this year?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Boy, I'm gonna get tired
of doing this laugh all night.
Well, have fun at your party.
Why are you moping around?
You love the carnival.
Yeah, but it's gonna be
my first carnival without you.
I don't get it.
Why do you wanna hang
out with me so much?
Well, the truth is,
I like to hang out
with you because...
I wanna be just like you.
You're smart and
pretty and really cool.
Wouldn't you wanna
hang out with you?
Can't argue with any of that.
I guess sometimes I like
hanging out with you too.
Really?
How come?
Well, you're a little nutty, but
you always make me laugh.
And you have
definite cool potential.
Tell you what,
I'll go to that Halloween
carnival with you, and...
I'll go to my party later.
Really? Awww, thanks, D.J.
Hold that hug.
I don't want a roommate.
But since I have to have one,
I guess I couldn't think
of anyone better than you.
Wow!
Two nice things in a row.
Now?
Now.
Awww.
Batman hugging the Joker.
Now, this is how the
movie should have ended.
Meee-ooow.
Aw, Michelle,
you are the cutest
kitten in town.
Guys, come on in.
We don't wanna be late
for the kids'
Halloween carnival.
JOEY: Oh, yes, we do.
[ALL LAUGH]
Yuk it up all you want, Danny.
There's one thing
we forgot to tell you.
We're your dates.
JOEY & JESSE: ♪ On
the good ship Lollipop ♪
♪ It's a sweet trip
On the candy shop ♪
[♪♪♪]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
[♪♪♪]