Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 6 - Star Search - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Michelle, open your eyes.

Wow!

What is it?

It's a tutu and a tiara.

They were mine, and then
I gave them to Stephanie.

And I'm passing them on to you.

Now you're a ballerina.

Wow!

What is a ballerina?

A ballerina is a girl that
does beautiful dancing.



Watch us.

[PLAYING GRACEFUL MELODY]

I'm glad I took bowling lessons.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪



♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Come on, guys.

It's time for the big surprise.

Danny, this better be important.

We're working on a commercial
for Rocket Feet running shoes.

Trying to get inspired
by running around.

So far, we haven't
come up with any ideas,

but we're in great shape.

Wait till you all see this.

I found one of
my old videotapes.

BOTH: Bye!

Guys, come back,
it's not a home movie.

It's a tape of Joey and me
on my old college talk show.

Let's see that. Watch this.

[BEE GEES' "STAYIN'
ALIVE" PLAYING]

Dad, that moustache!

It's gross!

This is Danny Tanner,

reminding you that
disco will never die.

Mr. Tanner, don't take
this the wrong way, but...

what a geek!

Welcome to Campus Rap,

the show that takes
a hard-hitting look

at whatever the heck I want,
because this is my show.

Well, here's a hard-hitting look

at a brand new picture
of my very own little girl.

Could you zoom in there?

I was adorable!

No, Steph, that's me.

It is? My, how you've aged.

Well, today, my guest
is my very best friend.

He's my fraternity brother,

and this guy is a party animal.

Here's Joey Gladstone.

Four years of college,
look what I learned!

You were the big man on campus.

Do something from your act.

Do your Jetsons routine.

All right.

[IMITATES SPACESHIP ZOOMING]

Now, Spacely.

You and that oddball, Jetson.

Ooh, Cogswell.

Don't worry, Mr. Spacely.

Everything'll
work out just great.

Ooh, Jetson.

You're fired!

I ruv you, George.

Oh, come on now. Cut it out.

Thanks.

Very funny. You are
one talented guy, Joey.

JOEY: You're right, Danny.

In fact, I guarantee
you that in 10 years,

you'll be seeing this face

sitting between Ed
McMahon and Johnny Carson.

We're talking
Vegas, concert tours,

and of course, my own TV series,

Laverne & Joey.

I'm gonna check
the date on that tape.

What are you doing?

I can't believe my 10
year deadline's almost up.

I got two weeks
to become a star.

Jess, can you handle
that running-shoe account?

Sure. I can do one
account by myself.

Joseph, you have a dream, man.

You gotta go for it.
I'm there for ya, babe.

And you know that seat
between Johnny and Ed,

it's there for you too.

Only now, you can fit in it.

We're all there for
you, Joey. Right, girls?

ALL: Yeah.

Thanks, guys. Man,
what have I been doing?

I gotta focus on
my comedy career.

I gotta get down to the
clubs. Work up some new bits.

From now on, Joey Gladstone
is gonna be all comedy,

all the time.

All the time?

Why, certainly!

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

[BARKS]

[HUMMING]

Come on, let's
watch the rest of this.

[♪♪♪]

No!

What's wrong, Michelle?

Bad girls.

Michelle, Daddy wants
us to get you ready for bed.

Time to take off your tutu.

No!

Dad, you tell her she
can't sleep in her tutu.

Well, actually girls,
it's perfectly normal

for children to be attached
to a special something.

Michelle, if you wanna
sleep in your tutu, it's okay.

I told you so.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you too.

[AS YOSEMITE SAM]
Ooh, I hate that rabbit.

Comedy alert.

[ALL GROAN]

Gotta run. See ya, Joey.

Stop! Nobody move!

We were so close.

Live from Las Vegas...

the song stylings
of Jimmy Vibrato.

♪ Hey, people ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Ooo-ooo-ooo ♪

I have really gotta get
myself some contacts. Boy!

Ha-ha!

Hey, look at this!

Peeking duck.

Joseph, you've been living
in toon town for two days now.

Start acting like a human being.

I know you are, but what am I?

Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Hey, you kids,
stay off our planet.

[LAUGHING]

JESSE: Joseph.

[SCREAMING]

Get it off! It's
attacking our village!

You're starting to lose it, man.

Hey, what are you looking
at? You look like Moe.

There's traffic everywhere!

The freeways are
totally congested!

And, you, stop
spongi" off this family.

♪ I'm singing in the rain ♪

♪ Just singing in the rain ♪

♪ The happy... ♪

Excuse me, I gotta go
down to the locker room

and towel off.

You give us the warden,

we'll give you the priest.

The priest!

Michelle, let me do show
you my Bob Hope impression.

No!

Hey, is she wild or what, huh?

I think I'm gonna
put her on my special

with Brooke Shields, huh?

If he doesn't cheer down, I'm
gonna break his funny bone.

Well, I might have
done something

that can actually
help Joey's career.

But if I tell you guys,

you gotta promise
to keep it a secret.

How rude!

I can keep a secret.

All right, here it is.

I sent a recent
tape of Joey's act

to the people at Star Search.

Good idea. All right, Dad!

It doesn't mean he's
getting on the show for sure.

But we should
find out real soon.

Joey's going on Star Search?

Wait till I tell...

nobody.

[♪♪♪]

Daddy, Uncle Jesse, D.J.,
everybody but Joey, come here!

What is it, Steph?

We got a letter with Ed
McMahon's picture on it!

It must be from...
[WHISPERS] Star Search.

Well, is it good news?

It's great news!

We may already be millionaires!

Hey, guys, I'm gonna
make some French toast.

Joey, you sick?

How come you're
not acting goofy?

Who am I kidding, Jess?

My 10-year deadline is up today.

I'm not famous. I'm
never gonna be famous.

The only thing that could
save my career now is a miracle.

Mail call. Letter
for Danny Tanner.

I'll take that.

What, no tip?

Here's a tip: Stay
outta my mailbox.

It so happens that the
mailman delivered that

to my house by mistake.

It happens all the time.

But we only keep the magazines.

Yes!

Joey's gonna be on Star Search!

[ALL CHEERING]

Really? I'm gonna
be on Star Search!

As a spokesmodel?

This is great! How
did this happen?

Joey, we had so
much faith in you,

we sent your tape
to Star Search.

You guys are the best.

This is so great.

Finally, after all the
years of struggling,

playing those
little comedy clubs,

it all pays off right now.

I am going on Star
Search, and I am gonna win,

and I am on my way to the top.

Right! Thank you,
people, because

♪ I love ♪

ALL: ♪ You ♪

♪ Ooo-ooo-ooo ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You won't believe who we
saw tap-dancing in the hallway.

Ed McMahon?

The junior dance champions
four weeks in a row!

The Tapping Takayamas!

I wish I could be on
Star Search someday.

Mr. Gladstone, 10 minutes.

Thanks.

Why don't you show the
nice man from Star Search

what a good ballerina you are.

♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

♪ I love ya Tomorrow ♪

♪ You're only a day away ♪

Thank you.

♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

♪ I love ya Tomorrow ♪

No more ballerina.

Why not?

♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

♪ I love you Tomorrow ♪

Little kids.

I better go get them before
they embarrass themselves.

♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

We better get back to our seats.

Go get 'em, Joey.

Yeah, and don't be nervous.

Ho! Why should I be nervous?

Just 'cause the last 10 years

comes down to the
next 10 minutes?

Just because my entire life

is riding on my one and
only shot at stardom?

See? Nothing to
be nervous about.

Good luck, buddy.

Have fun. Thanks.

Want to impress
girls? Get one of these,

then go to a disco and
do this. Works out great.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks a lot, folks.

That's it for me. Thanks.

Funny stuff.

Thank you, Steve.
That was the champion.

Now let's hear
from the challenger.

He's from San Francisco,
works in advertising,

he's been doing
comedy for 10 years.

Whoa, that's a long time.

Please welcome Joey Gladstone.

[APPLAUSE]

So I played ice
hockey for 13 years,

and it's great to
be alive, thanks.

I'm playing in a
league in California,

and there are surfers
in this ice hockey league.

And these guys are thinkin',

"This ice melts,
cool, dude, surf's up."

There's a surfer
standing next to me,

he's got all his hockey gear on.

He starts talking ice
hockey philosophy to me.

He starts going,

"Huh, you know somethin', dude?"

And he had a helmet
on when he did that,

which was really weird.

"You know, like,
the greatest thing

"about ice hockey is, dude?

"You break a bone or something,

the ice is, like, right there."

Remember those
Jacques Cousteau specials

that Rod Serling
used to narrate?

And Cousteau was always

in search of something
really strange.

You know, it was like:

[FRENCH ACCENT] We are
going down to find lost tennis shoes.

Then you'd hear the theme music.

[IMITATES BUGLE FANFARE]

[IMITATES ROD SERLING] We
find Cousteau and the Calypso team

three miles off the
coast of the Netherlands.

There, they ready
their sonar equipment

to go in search of
the dying walrus.

[APPLAUSE]

[IMITATES SEAGULL CAWING]

[FRENCH ACCENT]
I love ocean life.

[IMITATES SEAGULL CAWING]

Everywhere I go, I
hear those damn birds.

[IMITATES SERLING] Finally, Cousteau
gives the order to lower the sonar.

[SPEAKS FRENCH RAPIDLY]

What?

[FRENCH ACCENT] Just
lower the damn thing. Go on.

Then, of course, this is
what Flipper's wife says

when she has a headache.

[SQUEAKING] Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Come on, now.
Cut it out. Quit it.

[APPLAUSE]

All right, Joey!

I've always loved
Popeye cartoons.

Seems like every episode
of Popeye the Sailor

is always the same.

It's where Popeye and Bluto
are fighting over Olive Oyl.

And I think we could see
why. What a bod, huh?

Olive Oyl always gets in
some kind of stupid predicament

in the beginning of the show.

[IMITATES OLIVE OYL]
Oh, Popeye! Oh, dear! Oh, my!

[IMITATES POPEYE] Oh, boy, that
dizzy broad, Olive Oyl. How embarassking.

[APPLAUSE]

Of course, he knocks
Bluto for one big solid punch.

Really nails him.

[IMITATES POPEYE] Whoa, whoa.

[MUTTERING]

At that time, Popeye
wins his beautiful...

vivacious-looking queen...
Yep, you guessed it.

Olive Oyl.

Yeah, and what a babe, huh?

Check her out.

[IMITATES POPEYE] Well...

♪ Don't even call If
I'm out with me Olive ♪

♪ Says Popeye the sailor man ♪

[TOOTS TWICE]

Thanks a lot. You
guys are great.

Thank you.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Thank you, Joey.

Very funny routines from both
our competitors this evening.

Now, the judges have voted.

Now let's see how
both of you rated.

Champion Steve Oedekerk gets...

four stars, a perfect score!

[APPLAUSE]

The challenger,
Joey Gladstone gets...

four stars, another
perfect score!

We have a tie!

Well, as you may know,

the way we break ties
here on Star Search

is to have the studio
audience vote for their favorite.

We'll have the results at
the end of tonight's show.

Judy!

This night of shining
stars will return here

on Star Search '90.

So don't go away.

I won't.

Danny, sit.

We're back.

Now for the tiebreaker
in the comedy competition

to see who goes on toward
that $100,000 grand prize.

Our studio audience
voted by secret ballot.

I have the results right here.

It's between the
champion, Steve Oedekerk,

or the challenger,
Joey Gladstone.

JOEY: Well, this is it.

The beginning or the
end of my comedy career.

At least he's going through
the same torment I am.

STEVE: I wonder where I can
get a good burger after the show.

[APPLAUSE]

All right. Let's see
who it's gonna be.

[DRUM ROLL PLAYING]

Ladies and gentlemen...
Steve Oedekerk!

Still champion!

[TRIUMPHANT THEME PLAYING]

Uh-oh.

Congratulations,
Steve, that's great.

We'll see you back
here on this stage

next week on Star
Search. Good job.

[BOLD THEME PLAYING]

Joey! Good show, buddy!

Just remember that guy
needed four arms to beat ya.

Joey, you were the best.

You were better than the best.

You were the bestest.

You were super bestorama.

You were the... Steph,

you're gonna wear
out your tongue.

You just hate my spunk.

Well, thanks, everybody.

I'm just glad I'm
getting out of comedy

while I'm still young
enough to laugh about it.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, girls, your
Uncle Jesse and I

wanna talk to Joey for a second.

Why don't you go get
Ed McMahon's autograph

and find out when our
million dollars is coming?

Okay, Dad.

Joey... Look, guys,

you can save the pep talk.

I already know what
you're gonna say.

Keep workin' at it.
It's gonna happen.

You got a perfect
score on Star Search.

You made millions
of people laugh.

Your deadline
was totally arbitrary.

So if you give up
now, you are stupid.

Does that pretty much cover it?

Actually, yeah, that's
what I was gonna... Me too.

Look, guys, I know
you care about me.

But I'm doing the right thing.

There comes a time
in every man's life

where he's just gotta
face the music and say,

"Hey, I'm a failure."

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it.

Nobody calls my
friend Joey a failure.

Especially my friend Joey.

How else can
you figure it, Jess?

I'm a local night club comic.

That's all I'm ever gonna be.

I've been in the same
rut for the last 10 years.

I've never been on Carson
or Letterman or Arsenio.

If that's not failure,
I don't know what is.

I'll tell you what
is. That attitude.

That's failure, man.

Your problem is the way
that you're looking at success.

Do you love being
a stand-up comic?

Well, yeah.

Have you made
thousands of people laugh,

millions, tonight?

Well, yeah.

All right, before this little
stupid deadline of yours,

were you happy
with your life? Yes!

Hm.

Personal happiness
and bringing joy to others.

It sounds like success to me.

Joey, I know how you feel, pal.

I'm the same way, man.

I'm not where I wanna
be with my music career.

But even if I
never sell a record,

I'm not gonna have one
regret. You know why?

Because I love making music,

and I'm never
gonna stop doing it.

Now, if you never
get up on stage again,

would you miss it?

Danny, is there anything
you'd like to add?

Oh, I'm sorry, I
wasn't listening.

I was thinking about
that spokesmodel. Ooh!

[♪♪♪]

[TAP]

[BLOWS]

[IMITATES WIND BLOWING]

A twister. A twister.

[IMITATES DOROTHY]
Aunty Em, Aunty Em.

Oh.

I knew I should have
done that Wizard of Oz bit.

Well, I gave it my best shot.

Ten years.

It's been a great 10 years.

Ah, but what have
I got to show for it?

I do do the best
Popeye in the business.

[IMITATES POPEYE]
Ha-ga-ga-ga-ga!

[GIGGLING]

Aw, Michelle.

I do love that sound.

Michelle I have been
on so many stages,

and told so many jokes.

But you know, I never get
tired of hearing people laugh.

So why am I walking away?

I don't know.

Yeah, me either.

I did have that deadline.

Oh, but let's face it,
I've never been on time

for anything in my entire
life, so why start now?

I'll make a new deadline.

Michelle, you're my witness.

If I'm not on the Carson
Show in... 60 years,

I'm gonna seriously
consider changing my career.

So to paraphrase Porky Pig:

Ba-dee, ba-dee, ba-dee,
ba-dee, that ain't all, folks.

[CLAPPING]

ALL: ♪ We love you ♪

♪ Ooo-ooo-ooo ♪

Come on, you guys. Cut it out!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]