Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 5 - Granny Tanny - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Stephie, help!

Aw, tie your shoes again?

This is getting old.

You're gonna learn to tie
your shoes all by yourself.

Okay?

All right.

Now... pay very close attention.

First, the rabbit
crosses the stream...

Like that.

And then he goes over the log...



and around the tree...

and through the
hole... and... voilà!

You've got rabbit ears.

Now, can you get
the other one tied?

No problem.

Joey, help!

Kids today... they
have it way too easy.

[JESSIE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪



♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[DOOR OPENS]

Good morning.

Look alive!

Michelle, it's too
early to be alive.

What do you want?

Grandma comes today.

Yes, Grandma comes today.

Thanks for the bulletin.

Now go back in
your crib and go to s...

Who let you out of your crib?

I let me out.

You mean, you climbed over
the bars and jumped by yourself?

You got it, dude.

Jailbreak!

Danny.

Miche... Michelle, come here.

Come here.

You know how it
works in this house.

If you want to get
out of your crib,

you stay there and
scream your head off

until someone lets
you out. Capisce?

No capisce. I'm a big girl.

Jesse, it's Saturday morning.

Don't tell me. Tell her.

She climbed out of
her crib all by herself.

You did?

Aw. You know what this
means, you little spider baby?

Mmm-mwah.

You are ready for your
very own big-girl bed.

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLING]

Your very own big-girl bed.

Big-girl five!

All right!

Hey, Dad, Grandma's
cab just pulled up.

Grandma's here early. Let's go.

MICHELLE: Granny
Tanny. [DOORBELL RINGS]

JESSE: Comin', Claire.

Be right there, Mom.
GIRLS: Hi, Grandma.

Here it comes. Grandma!

Boy, this family does
everything together.

Here's Granny!

ALL: Grandma, hi!

Kiss me, you fools!

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, Grandma! Hi, sweet...

Hi, Claire. Claire!

Good to see ya.
I'll get your bags.

My baby... My mommy.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, look, I got lipstick on you.

Here, let me get that, honey.

Stand still. Okay, Mom.

GRANDMA: I couldn't
wait to get here.

I am so pumped. [LAUGHING]

Well, look at this.

Who is this big girl right here?

Michelle Tanner.

You're way too big
to be Michelle Tanner.

It's me, it's my nose.

Grandma, come sit
over here. Oh, okay.

We've got a big
surprise for you.

Daddy, can I give
her the present now?

Well, after that, it
would be cruel not to.

Here, Grandma.

Oh, you didn't have
to get me anything.

A paint set!

In honor of your retirement

after 30 years in the
stationery-supply business.

Happy golden years, Claire.

[ALL CHEER]

Golden years, huh?

GRANDMA: Oh, boy.

What's the matter,
you don't like your gift?

Oh, no, my sweetheart.
I love it. It's beautiful.

I'm gonna take it
down to the park

and paint pictures
of other retired people

who are painting pictures of me.

I knew we should've
bought perfume.

Honey, no. I'm sorry.

It's just that... Well,
now that I'm divorced,

and my kids have
grown up, and I'm retired,

my life went from "Get up
and go" to "Why get up?"

Aw, don't worry, Mom.

You're gonna find something
fun to do with your time.

I've got a little batter left.

Who wants more pancakes?

[ALL GROAN]

Well, that is music to
a grandmother's ears.

No, no, no, sit down,
everybody. Come on, sit, sit, sit.

I'm gonna do the dishes.

Mom, we'll do the dishes.

Why don't you take Michelle
upstairs and settle in?

It is so nice to feel wanted.

Okay, come on, my sweet angel.

Here we go.

The rest of you
guys, hang tight.

'Cause lunch is not far away.

[ALL GROAN]

All right, come on, everybody.
Let's clean the dishes.

Guys, do me a favor.

Stop cleaning.

Just let this mess
sit right here.

Dad, are you feeling okay?

Yes. Did you see how
my mom was cheered up?

She loves taking care of us.

I say we spend the weekend
trying to make her feel

like we really need her.

Like we can't get
along without her.

But we really can.

But we'll make it
look like we can't.

You want us to lie?

Daddy, I'm shocked.

No, honey, I don't
want you to lie.

I want you to... make believe.

Let's all make believe
that we're just too busy

to cook, clean and
take care of you girls.

I don't get it.

Let me see if I get it.

In order to help Grandma,

you want us to make believe
we can't clean our room?

Exactly.

I still don't get...

[JOEY LAUGHING]
Make believe you get it.

If it'll help you and your mom,
I'm happy to do what I can.

[DROPS TRAY] Come on, Joseph,

let's go trash the living room.

Yeah, let's trash it real good.

Guys, please trash it neatly!

BOTH: Right.

Danny, I have never seen
you leave a mess this long.

Well, you know how it is.
Jesse and Joey gotta work,

and I've got
errands to run, and...

Well, you know, sometimes
it's hard to keep up.

Yeah, wait till you see how
messy our room's gonna be.

[GIGGLES]

Isn't she an airhead?

Come on, honey, do
what you have to do.

I'm gonna clean the
house this morning,

and then I'll spend
the afternoon

with my granddaughters.

Oh, you are the best,
Mom. Oh, thanks.

Oh, Mom, one more thing. Mm-hmm?

I gotta pick out a
new bed for Michelle.

You got any ideas? [GASPS]

Yes. Let me pick it out.

You're the boss. [CHUCKLES]

You are the best boy.
You are the best mom.

No, you are. You are.

I love you. I love you.

Not as much as I love you.

I love you more.

I bet you don't I do too.

We're back from the zoo.

Thanks, Grandma.

I thought I had fun before,

but now I know how
much fun fun can really be.

Aw.

My pleasure, honey.

Oh, good, they
delivered the bed.

It looks terrific.

Oh, and it's a
great choice, Mom.

Ha-ha, thanks, honey.

No one picks out a pencil
bed quite like you, Claire.

It's got that Grandma touch.

Well, let's hope
Michelle likes it.

D.J., bring her in.

My big-girl bed!

[ALL LAUGH]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you little jumping bean.

Give your grandma a kiss for
buying you a new trampoline.

Thank you, Granny Tanny.

I am in grandma heaven.

Come on, you guys.

I am gonna cook
you such a dinner,

you're gonna think
it is Thanksgiving.

[ALL GROAN]

Oh! Yeah! Sounds great!

All right, little munchkin.

You enjoy your new bed,

but no more jumping
up and down, okay?

Okay, Uncle Jesse. All right.

Hello.

Were you jumping up and
down on the bed, young lady?

Who, me?

The truth.

Or I'm gonna
tickle it out of you!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Here you go.

Mmm, good. I can't remember

when I had a meal with
so much delicious food.

I can. It was lunch.

Danny, how do you like
your Brussels sprouts?

Oh, Mom, steamed
to perfection, as usual.

[WHISPERS] You eat it, Michelle.

Yuck!

Did you boys write
any commercials today?

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Uh, well, the point is, Claire,

we couldn't have done
anything without you.

Oh, thanks, Jesse.

Hey, I'm glad to help out.

In fact, if you want me to
stay a little longer, I'm available.

Hey, that's a great idea.

I mean, why rush back home?

Yeah, hang. You're makin'
our life a breeze, Claire.

BOTH: Claire...

The guys are right, Mom.

I don't know how we'd
survive without you.

You really mean it?

ALL: Yeah!

Well, if you guys really
need me that much,

I guess the only logical thing
would be for me to move in.

Move in? Here?

Ha-ha, sure.

Honey, that would
be... Joey and Jesse,

you guys are young,
and you're single,

and you've devoted
two years of your lives

raising this family.

Now here's your big opportunity.

You can move out and
get on with your own lives.

Because Grandma
is moving in for good.

Grandma, are you
really moving in?

Yes.

Guys, are you really moving out?

BOTH: No!

Claire, this is... This
is my family now.

I don't want these girls
growing up without me.

Or me. I can't leave.

I was just chosen

to be Stephanie's
Honey Bee Hive mother.

Well, listen,
that's even better.

Oh, Jesse, you know what? Hmm?

You move downstairs with Joey.

And we'll get you
guys bunk beds.

Yes! Bunk beds!

What do you think, Danny, huh?

Oh, well, I think bunk
beds make a lot of sense.

[CHUCKLING]

Come on, my little angel.

Come on, I gotta get you
ready for your new bed.

My new bed!

MICHELLE: Come on, Granny Tanny.

Here I come. I'm gonna get you.

Hey, I got dibs on the top bunk.

We're not getting any bunk beds.

Danny, what are
we gonna do here?

Hey, nobody panic.

It's just a little
misunderstanding.

We may have done too good a job
of making my mother feel needed.

That's what we
get for lying to her.

So I was right.

We were lying.

Shame on us.

No, we're innocent.

It's your father who put
this whole scam together.

Danny, you gotta
to tell your mother

that we really don't need her.

Oh, man, that would
break her heart.

What's the matter, you afraid
to tell your mom the truth?

Hey, don't worry.

I can be honest with my mom.

I was wondering where
those Brussels sprouts went to.

Michelle, there
you go. Lay back.

Why don't you just
bubble-pack her?

Hey, I'm sorry, but she's
little and she's round.

And she rolls easy.

I say we build kind of a
fence thing around here.

You mean, like a crib?

Oh, yeah. We had one of
those already, didn't we?

All right, put 'em on
the floor, just in case.

Jess, you are always
thinking. There we go.

Good night. Good
night, Michelle.

I love you.

All right, Danny, go
talk to your mother now.

Okay. All right.

Whoa!

Michelle, did you say something?

I want my crib.

Oh, Michelle,
cribs are for babies.

You're a big girl now.

See, the trick to a new bed

is you gotta break
it in, you know.

You gotta get the feel of it.

All right, first, let's
check the shocks, okay?

Here we go. Ready?

Bada-bing, bada-bing,
bada-bing, bada-bing,

bada-bing, bada-bing.

Now, that baby's got
a good ride, doesn't it?

Okay, and next,
and most importantly,

you gotta find the sweet spot.

Now, the sweet spot is the place

that makes you feel all
nice and cozy and cuddly.

Get out. Let me find it.

Okay. All right. Let
me see. Let me see.

[SIGHS]

That's it, I found
it. Okay, you ready?

Come on, let's
see if you can get it.

Here we go...
ready? There we go.

There. You're right
in the sweet spot.

Aw, you're gonna
sleep like a baby.

I mean, like a big girl.

Good night, little ankle biter.

Uncle Jesse?

Yeah?

Are you leaving me?

Oh, no, I... I
wouldn't leave you

on your first night
in your new bed, I...

I was just gonna
turn off the lights...

and find a good book...

and read it in the dark.

Thank you.

Oh, it's no problem, kid.

I've been meaning to catch up

on The Bunny, the Ducky,
the Turtle and the Frog.

I love you.

Right back at you, kid.

Hey, pal, let me give
you a hand with those.

You wouldn't,
perchance, be down here

avoiding your mother, would you?

Joey, I can't go up there
and tell her that I lied to her.

She'd be so disappointed in me.

Look, Danny, if you're nervous

about telling your mom
that we don't really need her,

start off with a
small confession.

Tell her how much you
hate her Brussels sprouts.

I could never tell her that.

Danny, this is pathetic.

Now, pretend I'm your mother.

[IMITATING GRANDMA] My baby!

Oh, kiss me, you fool!

Let me get that.

Danny, I'm going to buy
all your friends bunk beds.

Is there anything you
want to say to me?

Yes, Mom. I hate
Brussels sprouts.

Oh, why don't you just put
a knife through my heart?

That is exactly what
she's gonna say.

[NORMAL VOICE]
So what if she does?

Danny, it's time to stop
acting like a little kid

who's trying to make
his mommy happy.

I guess you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Now go up there and tell
her the truth, man-to-mom.

Don't forget, you're the man.

Thanks, Joey. You got it, pal.

[IMITATING GRANDMA]
Oh, he's such a good boy.

Whatcha doing, Mom?

Figuring out how to fit six
rooms of furniture in here.

Mom, I've got
something to tell you.

What's wrong?

Mom, what I gotta
tell you is... um...

I hate Brussels sprouts.

There. I've said it,
and now you know.

Don't ever scare
me like that again.

Who cares if you don't
like Brussels sprouts?

We can have eggplant.

Uh, what I'm
trying to tell you is,

all my life I've been pretending
to like Brussels sprouts,

just to make you happy.

[LAUGHS]

That's crazy.

I don't like Brussels
sprouts either.

I keep cooking them

because you keep
telling me you love them.

How could anybody
love a vegetable

that smells like feet?

Danny, you didn't come up
here to talk about vegetables.

What's the problem?

This is so hard. Um...

Mom, I don't want
to disappoint you.

Oh, honey,

you've never disappointed
me in your entire life.

Stay tuned.

Uh...

When... When I saw
how upset you were

about your retirement,

I asked everybody
to... kind of pretend

that we really needed you here.

You lied to me?

I'm dirt and I'm scum,

and I should be sent
to a reform school.

I feel so stupid.

I thought everybody
really needed me here.

Why did you do that to me?

[♪♪♪]

Because I was
trying to please you.

I spent my whole life
trying to be the perfect son.

Honey, you're not perfect.

But I will always love
you, no matter what you do.

And I am very proud of the
man you turned out to be.

Which I can take just
a little bit of credit for.

Thanks, Mom.

So you forgive me?

Of course I forgive you, honey.

I mean, I understand.
It's just that...

I'm simply not needed here.

Well, not as a live-in maid.

But the girls could
sure use a grandmother

in the neighborhood.

Do you really mean that?

You know I've been trying to get
you to move down here for years.

There's nothing
keeping you in Seattle.

No.

Come on, we'll go
apartment-hunting tomorrow.

Oh, I'd like that.

Oh, you are a wonderful son.

You're a wonderful
mom. Oh, you are the best.

You're the best.
You're the best.

When did you get so tall?

I've always been this tall.

I've just been
pretending to be shorter

'cause I wanted
to make you happy.

[CHUCKLES]

You are the best.

Oh, you're the best.
No, you're the best.

You're the best.
No, you're the best.

You're the best!

D.J., do you remember
when I was sleeping in a crib?

Yeah.

Life was so easy when
you were behind bars.

Good news, girls.

Your grandma is going
to move in to an apartment

in the neighborhood.

Really? That's great! Wonderful!

So is everything okay
between you two?

Oh, everything is great.

I never have to eat
Brussels sprouts again.

I want you guys to know

that I was wrong
asking you to lie,

even though I was trying to
make Grandma feel better.

Well, I hope you
learned your lesson.

Oh, I did.

You know, if you ever do things
to try and make me feel better,

I'd much rather you just
tell me the truth, okay?

BOTH: Okay.

Okay, thanks. Good night, Dad.

Good night. Good night.

Oh, wait, Dad, just a minute.

I thought of something.

Already?

Yeah, I don't
really love cleaning

as much as you think I do.

Neither do I.

You don't? No.

Especially scrubbing
the grout in the shower.

It's incredibly,
totally disgusting.

Well, it is an acquired taste.

And I only asked
Santa for a Dustbuster

because I knew
you'd be proud of me.

I can't believe he
actually brought me one.

Oh, a Dustbuster is
a very practical gift.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]