Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 4 - Nerd for a Day - full transcript

Stephanie befriends a nerd under the force of her uncle Jesse. She had a detention, with the rest of the class that day at school because they called a student a duck-face. Uncle Jesse says that it is important to be nice to people.So Stephanie apologizes to Walter and he decides that she is his girlfriend. Stephanie says she is his "Secret girlfriend" rather than rejecting him outright and hurting his feelings. Then the next day Stephanie's friends come over to work on a school project. But Walter comes over just before and her friends see her holding his hand and leading him but but of course her friends take that the wrong way and call her Mrs Duck-Face. Can Stephanie get over this with out hurting Walter's feelings?

[♪♪♪]

Car broken.

Car broken? Uh-oh.

Well, let's check it out.

See what we got here.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Yeah, it's broken, all right.

Okay. Well, this is loose.

Well, pfft, pfft, pfft.

We'll tighten that up.

And this needs a little oil.



[POPPING]

Okay, we'll try it again.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Zoom!

Thank you, Joey.

Wait a minute, lady.

You forgot to pay your bill.

Sorry.

Mwah.

Here's your change.

Mwah.

Zoom!

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪



♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

All right, boys, let's try

that Pounds Away Diet
Center jingle one more time.

But this time, I
got a little addition.

Okay? Here we go.
Everybody got their parts?

One, two... Buckle my shoes.

No, Michelle. Like
we practiced, okay?

When I point to you, you
do your part. Got it, babe?

Got it, dude. Good girl.

Here we go. One,
two, one, two, three...

♪ Well, she got
Her daddy's car ♪

♪ And she cruised right by
The hamburger stand now ♪

♪ If she loses weight now
She'll look really great ♪

♪ She threw away The milkshake ♪

♪ And the donuts That
she had in her hand now ♪

♪ If she loses weight now
She'll look really great ♪

♪ And when she
looked In the mirror ♪

♪ She drove the pounds
away As fast as she can now ♪

♪ If she loses weight now
She'll look really great ♪

♪ And she'll lose
Tons, tons, tons ♪

♪ If she signs up
today At Pounds Away ♪

♪ Tons, tons, if she signs
up Today at Pounds Away ♪

♪ You won't be fat no more ♪

Bye-bye, fat.

♪ Sign up today ♪

♪ At Pounds Away ♪

♪ You won't be fat no more ♪

Bye-bye fat. ♪ Oooo-oooo ♪

Bye-bye fat. ♪ Oooo-oooo ♪

ALL: ♪ Bye-bye fat ♪

Yeah! All right!

Good job, fellas. Yeah.

Go work on our hair.

Well, Joseph, you think that

motivates people
to go on a diet?

Hey, it works for me.
Let's go get some pizza.

[SNAPS]

Hi, guys.

Hey, Deej, how was school today?

Great. Listen to my
English homework.

All I have to do is observe a
member of my family for one day

and then write a report
about what they do.

Great. Who you gonna pick?

Someone who's interested
in nothing but fun and toys.

Must be Joey.

No, Michelle.

Michelle, do you mind
if I follow you around

and observe what you do all day?

Okay. Come with me.

Where are we going?

My room, now!

Observation number one:

Subject has an attitude.

I'm home.

I got kept after school.

I had to sit at my desk

with my head down,
and the lights off.

And I wasn't allowed to
say a word for 15 minutes.

That's a new record for me.

See you, boys.

Stephanie.

Whoa, come back
here, young lady.

Whoa. Steph.

Why were you kept after school?

Well, some kids were calling
Walter Berman, "Duck Face".

Hold it.

Were you one of
these "some kids"?

It wasn't only me. It
was the whole class.

That's no excuse, young lady.

Well, if you saw Walter,
you'd call him Duck Face too.

He's always making
these duck lips.

Kid sounds like a "quack-up."

You should have seen it.
The whole class was going,

Quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack.

Quack.

Well, you had to be there.

Stephanie,

let me tell you a little story
about your Uncle Jesse.

When I was a kid,
everybody used to tease me.

They called me "Zorba the Geek."

[LAUGHS]

Zorba the Geek.

Kids can be so cruel.

Uncle Jesse, you were a geek?

Yeah, let me tell you something.

The day I turned 13,
my body flipped out.

My nose outgrew my face,

my ears outgrew my nose.

I was your basic
Mr. Potato Head.

So before you were a
stud, you were a spud.

I'm not helping, am I?

Listen to your Uncle Jess.

Steph, the point
I'm trying to make

is that those kids
really hurt my feelings.

So I know how Walter feels.

And I think it would
be a good idea

if you call and apologize.

Me?

Call Duck Face?

Yes, you call Duck F... Walter.

Hi, everybody.

Daddy, I'm so happy to see you.

Ha-ha, aw!

Dorothy was right:

There's no place like home.

Just because I teased
Duck Face at school,

Uncle Jesse is
making me call him.

Honey, you know it's wrong
to hurt someone's feelings.

I think your Uncle Jesse
is handling this just right.

Okay, I'll call Walter

and tell him I'm sorry.

Then I'll invite him over for
some soup and "quackers."

[LAUGHS]

I kill myself!

Stephanie...

I'm sorry. I had to get
it out of my system.

I want to go track
down Duck Face...

Walter's phone number.

Hey Danny, what's going on?

Oh, lots of stuff.

Becky's out of town tomorrow,

and I need somebody
to cohost my show.

You got any ideas?

Yeah, me. This
works out perfect.

I'm headlining at the
Laugh Machine this week,

and I could use the publicity.

Let me help you
with that jacket.

Yeah, well...

I was kind of leaning
towards that tall, pretty blond

who does the evening news.

He's awful!

Danny, you need
someone who knows you

as well as you know yourself.

Like someone who
lives in your house

and helps you
raise your kids, hm?

Hmm.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

There's only one logical choice.

Yeah, but you think
Jesse could do it?

Easy, easy.

Joey, I was just
having fun with you.

I talked to everybody, I
set it up. You got the job.

I did?

Yeah.

Great! Yes!

You know, you should
have kept me going.

You were this close to
getting your car waxed.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi!

Goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait.

Slow down, Michelle.

Observing you is
supposed to be easy.

So far...

you've played with
all your animals

and then you flushed
every toilet in the house.

Why don't we take a nap?

Okay. Naptime.

Bless you.

[SIGHS]

Nap over.

I feel refreshed.

Whoa.

How is your report going, Deej?

The question is, where
is my report going?

All right, come on, Steph.

It's time to call
Walter and apologize.

[WHISPERS HOARSELY]
I can't talk. I lost my voice.

[HOARSELY] Oh, well, we're
just gonna have to go over

Walter's house and
apologize in person.

My voice is back.

It's a miracle.

Hallelujah.

All right, Steph. Oh,
trust me on this one.

You'll feel good,
Walter will feel good,

and I'll feel good because
I thought of the idea.

Hold on one second.

Here you go.

Walter... this is
Stephanie Tanner.

And I'm really sorry.

Well, nice talking to you.

Don't you think
you should mention

what you're sorry for?

I'm sorry I quacked at you.

And... And I called
you Duck Face

and threw little
pieces of bread at you.

You threw pieces
of bread at the kid?

Steph, he's not a real duck.

Tell him he's a very nice boy.

Walter, you're a very nice boy.

You're welcome.

Anything else?

Is there anything
else you'd like to say?

Yes, there is. Good girl.

Wanna say hi to my Uncle Jesse?

No, Steph. No. Here he is.

[ENTHUSIASTICALLY]
Hi, Walter! How are you?

Stephanie.

Oh, you have a
snake. That's great.

Stephanie!

Really? He ate a mouse?

Mmm, that's good eating.

Joey, let's go!
We're gonna be late!

Danny, what is the big rush?

Joey, you know I always
leave the house at exactly 7:48.

Now thanks to you, I'm
already two minutes late.

What are you talking about?

We are right on time.

Joey...

that's a barometer.

Well, in that case,
we better get moving.

There's a hurricane brewing.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hi. Can I help you?

Good morning. Is
Stephanie Tanner here?

Come on in.

Stephanie, your friend's here.

My name is Walter F. Berman.

My name is Joseph A. Gladstone.

And I'm Daniel E. Tanner.

Nice to meet you fine gentlemen.

Well, come on in.

You kids have a
good day at school.

See you later, Steph.

Walter.

Hi, Stephanie.

What are you doing here...

walking through
my living room...

sitting on my couch?

I wanted to thank you in person

for calling me
yesterday to apologize.

Well, it was just
something I had to do.

So you really think
I'm a very nice boy?

Uh... yeah.

This is marvelous.

I never thought
I'd have a friend,

and now I have a girlfriend.

You do?

Who?

You.

Me?

Walter plus Stephanie

equals true love... forever.

Forever?

Walter, about this
girlfriend thing...

It's exciting, isn't it?

I can't wait to tell the
whole second grade

that you're my girlfriend.

Oh, man.

I feel 4-feet tall.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

You can't tell anyone
I'm your girlfriend.

Oh, I get it.

So you want it to be a secret?

Uh, yeah. Top-secret.

Oooh.

A secret girlfriend.

What does that mean?

Well, it means we'll
never talk to each other.

We'll never look at each other.

We'll never hold hands.

We'll be total strangers.

Okay. But you're
still my... Shhh!

[WHISPERS] secret girlfriend.

Well, I guess I
won't talk to you later.

You know what I'm doing now?

I'm afraid to ask.

I'm giving you a secret
kiss... in my mind.

Ewwww!

Michelle, give me my paper back,

so I can write down
that you stole it.

My paper.

Michelle, come o... [BANG]

Ow!

Ow! Oh!

Ow.

I'm sorry.

That's okay, Michelle.

D.J. got a boo-boo?

Yeah, I bumped my knee.

I'll make it better.

Thank you, Michelle.

All better?

All better.

Okay, more fun.

Have you seen your Uncle Jesse?

Check his room.

If I wasn't so steamed,

I would have thought of that.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[ANGRILY] May I
come in? Thank you.

You made me call Duck Face,

and now he thinks
I'm his girlfriend!

He kissed me in his mind.

If this gets out at
school, I'm a dead duck!

Have a nice day.

Ten seconds. Ten seconds.

Where the heck is Joey?

How can he be
late? I drove him here.

In four, three,
two... ♪ Wake up ♪

Wake up, San Francisco.
I'm Danny Tanner.

Rebecca Donaldson
is on assignment today,

so filling in for her is a man
who needs no introduction,

because he's not here. Heh.

Ah. Sorry, Danny,
this wasn't my fault.

The, uh, doughnut guy was late.

Well, as you can see,

we are gonna have
a lot of fun today,

because my cohost this morning

is one of the hottest young
comics on the local scene,

and he's also one of my
closest personal friends.

And that's not
just show-biz talk.

This is Joey Gladstone.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, come on.

Cut it out.

Danny, did you mention
that I'll be headlining

at the Laugh
Machine this weekend,

with a special late
show on Saturday?

Probably not,

since we've only been
on the air for 20 seconds.

Ten of which you missed.

Great. Then, now would be
a wonderful time to mention

that I'll be headlining

at the Laugh
Machine this weekend,

with a special late
show on Saturday.

Cut it out.

Well, Joey, it's time to
bring out our first guest.

He's the author of this book:
Hug Your Way to Happiness.

And he is my personal hero.

Please welcome hug
therapist, Dr. Ruben Wynager.

[APPLAUDING]

ALL: Ahhhh.

Ha-ha-ha.

Ho-ho-ho!

Ah.

Ah! Uh.

Ah. Ah.

There's a lot of
love on this set.

Doctor.

Thank you. Thank you.

You can tell so much
by the way people hug.

And I feel something's
wrong here.

Either one of you feeling
hurt or suppressing any anger?

Well...

to be honest, there
are some things

I'd like him to take seriously.

For instance, punctuality.

Well, life's a little too short

to be ruled by a clock.

How would you know that?
You tell time on a barometer.

I'd rather be a free spirit,

than a guy who
polishes his shoetrees.

Hey, I don't polish
them. I wax them.

Well, they're wooden.

You have to protect
your shoetrees.

From what? A woodpecker
getting loose in your closet?

That is silly... Come
one, I don't believe...

There's no reason to
stand. We're on television...

People should know
how neurotic you are...

I'm no neurotic...
Shining your shoetrees...

Boys, boys. Did
you read my book,

Hug Your Way to Happiness?

Now hug!

Come on, hug.

Come on.

Now say something
nice to each other.

I think it's great
that you recycle.

And I think it's great that
you'll be at the Laugh Machine

all this weekend,

with a special late
show on Saturday.

Are you having a
nice time, young lady?

This happens to be my sandwich,

and this is your sandwich.

Capiche?

Capiche.

Hi, guys. Hey.

Hey. Hey, Michelle, guess what?

I read my report about
you in class, and I got an A.

Mini five.

JESSE: Ha-ha! Hey, all right.

So it was a good idea
using the baby, huh?

I'm not a baby. I'm a big girl.

Ohh, a big girl.

Excuse me, Ms. Tanner.

She's right, Uncle Jesse.

You know, Michelle, I'm really
glad I got to hang out with you.

I mean, we haven't
spent much time together

since I started junior high.

So?

So you're like a
little person now.

You're sensitive, compassionate,

and you're actually
smarter than most dogs.

But you still gross me out.

Hi, Steph.

Hi, Uncle Jesse.

Steph... how was school today?

Oh, just dandy.

Walter still thinks that
I'm his secret girlfriend.

He was giving me
kisses in his mind all day.

Eww!

Steph, I'm sorry,

but apologizing to Walter
was the right thing to do.

If it was the right thing,
how come my life is a mess?

Just because you
do the right thing

doesn't mean your
life's gonna be perfect.

You do it because
it's the right thing to do.

You understand?

So now, if Walter thinks
that you're his girlfriend,

you just tell him that
you guys are just friends.

But tell him nicely.
No duck jokes.

No more advice, please.

I thought grownups were
supposed to get you out of trouble,

not get you into it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Those are my friends.

They're here to work on
a bug project. Excuse me.

Steph, when you guys are
done, you come up to my room.

You and I are gonna
have a little chat, okay?

Okay.

Walter!

Good afternoon, Stephanie.

This is supposed to be a secret.

No one knows I'm
here, except my mom.

And I told her it
was strictly business.

Here.

Thank you. They're very pretty.

But I've got a lot
of homework to do.

So thank you, good
night and good luck.

Oooh. It's Duck Face.

You dumped me for Duck Face?

Mr. and Mrs. Duck Face.

BRIAN: They're
going to get married

and live in a pond.

We're not getting married.

Stephanie's just
my secret girlfriend.

Oh, Walter...

So it's true. You
are Mrs. Duck Face.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Stop it! Stop teasing me!

I'm not his secret girlfriend!

I'm not his any
kind of girlfriend!

Oh yeah? Then prove it.

Call him Duck Face
and throw him out.

Yeah.

Quick, before I walk
out of your life forever.

No, I'm not gonna
call him Duck Face.

Oh, so he is your
boyfriend. HARRY: Yeah.

He's not my boyfriend.

But he is my friend.

I am?

I'm your secret friend?

No, Walter. You're my
"everybody can know" friend.

And if you were my friends,

you wouldn't tease him either.

[CHUCKLES] Why not? It's fun.

Oh yeah? Was it fun when
you got hurt during recess,

and everyone called
you "Crying Brian"?

[CHILDREN LAUGH]

I wouldn't laugh, Harry.

Remember when you
got that bad haircut,

everyone called you
"Salad Bowl Head"?

[LAUGHS]

What's so funny,

"Miss Milk Through her
nose" on Parents' Day," twice?

Hey!

It doesn't feel so great
to be teased, does it?

ALL: No.

Walter... will you stay
and be part of our group?

I'd enjoy that.

And thanks for
sticking up for me.

Sometimes you have
to do the right thing.

Right, group?

ALL: Yeah.

Good answer.

I'll be right back.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, I see.

Uncle Jesse, can I talk to you?

Oh, hi, Steph. Hi... Uh, hold...

Bye-bye. Thank you.

Yeah, sure, pal. Hey,
how did it go downstairs?

Great.

How did it go watching
us from upstairs?

You caught me, didn't you?

Yeah.

Uncle Jesse, I have
something to tell you.

You were right.

It feels terrible being teased.

Are we still friends?

Stephanie, of course
we're still friends.

Why wouldn't we
still be friends?

Because I got so mad at you.

I was never gonna
trust you again.

Stephanie Tanner, you can
always trust your Uncle Jesse.

Now I may not do
everything you like,

and I may even make
mistakes once in a while,

but... I'm always
gonna be on your side.

I just... I just want
you to grow up

and be the best little
person you can be.

Let me tell you
something: Right then,

you were about as
good as it gets, kid.

When I grow up, I
want to be just like you.

But wear dresses.

Oh, now that's a hug.

And if anyone ever calls
you Zorba the Geek again,

you just tell them to
see Mrs. Duck Face.

[CHUCKLES] Duck kiss.

Mwah.

Good girl.

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]