Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 2 - Back to School Blues - full transcript
DJ goes to Jr. High and figures out that it's much different than Elementary School and the older girls tease her. She tries to change herself, but it doesn't turn out the way she wants it to!!
[♪♪♪]
Nine, 10!
Okay. Ready or not, here I come!
Here I am.
Michelle, come here.
Now, we're gonna have to
have a little chat, you and I.
See, the name of the
game is hide-and-go-seek.
You're playing
hide-and-say-here-I-am.
Capiche?
Capiche.
All right, let's play again,
but this time I'll hide and
you come seek me, okay?
You okay? So you count
to three. Cover your eyes.
No peeking!
No peeking!
All right, ready?
All right, count.
One, two, three, four, five.
Here I am.
I win again, capiche?
Capiche.
[GIGGLING]
[JESSIE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
D.J., if it's not right by now,
put on a hat.
Stephanie, today's my first day
of junior high school,
and I want to look perfect.
Wait... almost...
there! Quick, spray.
All right.
All over.
Keep spraying.
Get every inch.
All right.
Perfect.
Very natural.
Finally I'm going to a school
that doesn't have a sandbox.
How can you be so happy?
This is the first time
we won't be at the same school.
Aren't you gonna
miss me like crazy?
Stephanie, try to understand.
You are a child.
I'm a young adult and...
starting today, we
live in different worlds.
We don't even live
in different rooms.
Please, don't remind me.
Come on, Deej.
Stay at my school.
I need my big sister
to stick up for me.
What if some kid calls me a...
lame-oid zombie dog?
I don't know. Bite him.
Look, I didn't have a big sister
to stick up for
me, and I did fine.
So will you.
But when I get to junior
high, you'll be in high school.
When I get to high
school, you'll be in college.
When I get to college,
you'll be working at McDonald's.
Mr. Avalos, Jessie
and I are thrilled
that the ad agency has
assigned us to your account.
Extremely thrilled, sir.
We have some exciting ideas
about the motor oil campaign.
Extremely exciting ideas, sir.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Yeah.
You get the door. Don't worry.
I'll say everything
twice. Great.
Hello. Wait, let me guess...
I know why you're here.
You couldn't get through the day
without a kiss, right?
Actually, Danny
needed a ride to work,
but as long as I'm
here... Oh, have mercy!
This early?
I hope you brushed.
Kimmy, here's a wild idea.
This year, why doesn't D.J.
pick you up on the
way to school, huh?
No can do.
My dad eats breakfast
in his underwear.
Yes, sir. Thank
you. Goodbye, sir.
What happened, Joseph?
Jess, it's all set.
We meet Mr. Avalos, 10:00 a.m.
at the Cloverdale country club.
He wants us to
pitch the campaign
while we play golf.
Yes!
Golf? No, J... no,
I'm not playing golf. Uh-uh.
I'm sorry, Joseph.
Golf is for little old ladies.
I play golf.
And hot young babes.
[LAUGHING]
What?
What?
You can't play golf, can you?
Please. I can play golf.
No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Folks, if there's
one thing I can do,
it's play golf.
I remember the last
time I was playing golf,
stepped up to tee, hit the ball,
ba-da-bing!
Right past the windmill
into the little clown's mouth.
Girls, I got your lunches!
Dad, we're right behind you!
Oh, well, here are your lunches.
Mr. Tanner, wake up.
In junior high, the cool
kids buy their lunch.
If you wanna be a good dad,
give her a bag of cash.
Here, D.J., Buy
yourself some lunch,
and make some new friends.
You guys are gonna
have such a great time.
Junior high was when
I got my first boyfriend,
my first slow dance,
my first slow kiss...
and then I woke up,
and it was all a dream.
Goodbye, Dad. See you later.
Bye-bye. Have fun.
Wait for me.
I'll go, too.
Hold on, you little
sesame streaker.
You start nursery
school till next year.
But Michelle, you can practice
with a real school lunch.
No cookies?
Well, I'm going now.
The only Tanner left
in my whole school.
Steph, it's gonna...
No, really. It's
a beautiful thing.
Honey, honey.
I know you're a little scared,
but trust me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
So I guess I shouldn't even
bother with the phony cough?
No.
Have a good day at school, kid.
Knock 'em dead.
JOEY: Have fun, sweetie.
The only Tanner... [SIGHS]
Well, now what?
Look out, scrub.
These new kids are so tiny...
they're embryonic.
[LAUGHING]
D.J!
Kimmy!
Don't ever leave my side again.
That kid has a mustache!
These people, they're
like totally mature.
Where are we?
The Young and the
Restless Junior High?
Let me see your schedule.
We only have one class together.
Sixth period Spanish.
Great. The only
time we're together,
we can't speak English.
D.J., Gibbler. Hi!
Hi.
Do we know you?
Duh! We only went
to school together
for the past six years.
Kathy Santoni.
Kathy Santoni? Kathy Santoni?
You grew up.
Big time.
Pretty intense summer.
Okay.
Here's what I found out so far.
All the cute guys
take metal shop,
and everyone
makes out after school
on the football field.
Everyone?
Well, maybe not everyone.
[BELL RINGS]
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Well, I guess we got to go.
I might go back
to the sixth grade.
Stephanie really needs me.
I play golf too.
No, Michelle.
You sit right here
and watch Uncle Jesse
get a golf lesson first.
Ok, babe?
Got it, dude.
Aha-ha-ha-ha!
Aha-ha-ha!
JESSIE: Thanks for the clothes.
If the sun goes down,
we can play by the
light of my pants.
Hey, we're doing this
to impress the client.
How, by burning out his retinas?
Get your mind off your
pants. Watch my swing.
All right.
That's it?
That's the whole thing?
Piece of cake.
Watch the kid take
care of business here.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Jess... Elvis never
made one golf movie.
All right, here we go.
Let's go.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, that was great.
You see, uh, very few golfers
can drive a lawn that far.
Here. Come on.
I'll help you out.
All right. Give me a hand here.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I hope this is golf-related.
If it wasn't, would
I be doing it?
JOEY: Come on.
All right, here we go
here we go, here we go.
Here we go. Ball
off your left heel.
Ball off your left heel.
Remember, always
keep your head down.
Always keep the head down.
Bend your knees. Bend the knees.
Keep your head down. Head down.
Right elbow in. Right elbow in.
Head down. Sorry.
Now, bring the club back slowly.
Club back slowly.
Oop, sorry. Head down.
Whack, and follow through.
Whack and follow through!
You ready to try
one for yourself?
No, I wanna play like
this for 18 holes. Get off!
I'll get you something to hit.
Nice, easy target.
Easy target.
Here we go.
Daddy be mad.
Not if Michelle be quiet.
My turn.
I'm good.
See how she kept her head down?
Over here. I saved you a seat.
Thanks. My name
is... Not you, scrub.
This seat's taken.
Oh, here comes Mrs. Agbabian.
Good way to lose your lunch.
Young lady, keep
the aisle clear.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
That will be enough of that.
Now find a seat.
That's a very snappy outfit.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
Hi. How's it going?
AUTOMATED VOICE: At the tone,
Pacific Daylight Time
will be 12:14 exactly.
[BEEPS]
At the tone, Pacific
Daylight Time...
My beautiful lawn,
hacked into pieces...
another senseless act
of backyard violence.
Gopher.
A gopher did this?
Hello. Hi.
Two gopher.
Oh, you mean "two golfers."
No. One golfer, one gopher.
You were hitting golf
balls in my backyard?
I swear I didn't hit one ball.
It took us six hours
just to play nine holes.
Tell him your score, Jess.
I got us the motor oil account.
The client loved my ideas.
Aw, that's great,
Jess. Thank you.
Tell him your score, Jess.
I shot 100.
Jess... And 50.
Jess... Nine. You happy?
Actually, I'm very sorry...
Sorry that I don't
have it on videotape.
Hi, Deej. Hi, guys.
D.J! Hey! How was
your first day of school?
Oh, it was your
typical first day.
I got my classes, I went
to them and now I'm home.
Oh, Dad, would you mind tomorrow
if I dress a little
more junior high-ish?
Oh, no. Hey, I understand.
You want to be hip
like your rad dad.
Yeah, that's it.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
Second grade is so cool!
Hey, great! What happened?
Everything! You
happen to be looking
at the room seven
official fish feeder.
ALL: Ooh!
And Uncle Jesse, What?
Now that D.J.'s finally gone,
when people say, "Hey, Tanner,"
I know they're talking
to me. All right, kid!
JOEY: Way to go!
And Daddy, you'll love this.
One of the shrimpy, little
first graders asked me,
"Where's the cafeteria?"
I said, "Can't you
read that big sign
that says cafeteria?"
And the kid says,
"No, I can't read."
They can't even read!
What a great day.
Eew! Eew!
Well, it's almost
time for school.
Do you think we look old enough?
How old do we wanna look?
Old enough to keep me
out of that phone booth
during lunch.
At least you got to eat.
I had to give my lunch
to a girl with a tattoo.
We could use a
little more mascara.
Yeah.
Assume the position.
All right! A make-up party!
I want to look just
like Superstar Barbie.
Chill, child. You
are way too young.
I want make-up.
Here, Michelle. You
can put on a little lipstick.
And I'm too young?
How rude.
DANNY: Let's go,
girls. It's getting late.
Uh, we're coming, dad.
Well... how do we look?
Cheap.
All right!
Kimmy... Wait!
Kimmy!
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Call me Kimberly.
Joseph, it's finally happened.
He's cleaning liquid soap.
Don't be silly.
I'm just cleaning
my rubber gloves.
Danny, there's no
shame in therapy.
Bye. See you later.
Bye. Have a good day at school.
Wait a minute.
Hold it right there.
Dad, we have to get to school.
You have to get past me first.
You said I could look a
little more junior high-ish.
Where is this junior
high, Caesar's Palace?
You may go to school.
I guess
we're not as old as we
thought we were. Are we, now?
I'll see you at school, Deej.
So long, boys.
Dad,
before you say anything,
you were not at school
yesterday. And you did
not see the other girls.
D.J., I don't care
about the other girls.
My daughter's
not going to school
dressed like Jessica Rabbit.
Uncle Jesse, Joey,
you're from this century.
Tell him he's wrong.
Fine. I'll go tie some
bows in my hair,
put on my Garanimals,
and go skipping off to school.
I'll be daddy's
little girl forever.
Not forever.
Just until you're my age.
All right. Let's go
take care of business.
We'll get her through this.
Yeah. Come on!
Hold it! Do we have any idea
how to get her through this?
Not a clue. I'm not
even in the ball park.
Oh, man. Do you know
what all this means?
We are on the verge
of raising a teenager.
Pfft. She's gonna be
going to wild parties.
She's gonna be driving a car.
She's gonna be dating guys.
Like me.
She's never leaving
the house again.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
DANNY: D.J.
Leave me alone.
I can't. I'm your
dad. It's my job.
Honey, I want to know
what's going on with you.
Yesterday was the
worst day of my life.
Everyone looked so
much older than me.
I was dressed exactly like
the teacher that
everybody hates.
I ate lunch in the phone booth
listening to the time lady
for 25 minutes and
30 seconds... beep.
I wish you would have
told me this yesterday.
I was too embarrassed.
I don't know what happened.
In the sixth grade, I was cool.
And now I'm a joke.
Aw, I know it feels that way.
But that's just because
you were a big fish
in a small pond.
Now you're in a big pond,
so you feel like a small fish.
But you don't have
to look like the big fish,
especially if the
big fish are bad fish
and smelly fish.
And, well, now I'm
lost and I'm rambling.
And I just want to hug you
and take you to Sea World.
I just want people to like me.
They will, as soon as
they get to know you.
But look, D.J...
this girl isn't you.
Then who am I?
Well, I guess to me,
you're still my little girl.
Honey, I don't wanna
stop you from growing up,
but you can't go from
12 to 25 overnight.
Kathy Santoni did.
We've got to realize
that this teenage stuff
is all new for both of us.
But, honey, we can work it out
if we keep one thing in mind:
we have no choice.
REBECCA: Danny, let's go.
We're gonna be late.
Oh, D.J., don't
ever let your father
do your make-up.
I did it. It looked
better before.
You know, when I first
started wearing make-up,
I made the same mistakes.
Really? How old were
you? Eighteen? Nineteen?
No, actually, I was
right around D.J.'s age.
Glad I asked.
Really? You wore make-up
when you were my age?
Uh-huh.
Only my mom taught me
that the secret to
wearing make-up
is to make it look like
you're not wearing any.
Well, how do you do that?
Yeah, how do you do that?
Well, by bringing out
D.J.'s natural beauty.
For instance, you want a
very subtle pink eye shadow.
Can I show her?
Can she?
Go for it.
Thanks, Dad, and don't worry,
no matter how old I get,
you can always think
of me as your little girl.
Give me a hug, Dad.
Oh, I love those
words, I love you.
I look pretty.
Oh, yes, little Zsa Zsa,
you look very pretty.
But the secret to make-up
is to make it look like
you're not wearing any.
Dad pretty.
D.J.!
Kimmy! What are you doing here?
I got my whole schedule changed.
We have the same lunch now.
All right!
What happened to your bod?
It's back in my sock drawer.
My mom saw me getting on the bus
and she freaked out.
Um, hi. You're in my
English class, right?
Yeah. I'm Susan Erickson.
And this is Karen Sykes. Hi.
Do you guys wanna sit with us?
Sure, thanks.
I'm D.J. Tanner, and
this is my best friend,
Kimmy Gibbler. Hi.
You're sitting at our table.
Well, now it's a scrub table,
but you're welcome to join us.
[LAUGHS]
I'd rather eat in a phone booth.
All right.
Good job.
Someone should
tell her she's wearing
a bit too much make-up.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Nine, 10!
Okay. Ready or not, here I come!
Here I am.
Michelle, come here.
Now, we're gonna have to
have a little chat, you and I.
See, the name of the
game is hide-and-go-seek.
You're playing
hide-and-say-here-I-am.
Capiche?
Capiche.
All right, let's play again,
but this time I'll hide and
you come seek me, okay?
You okay? So you count
to three. Cover your eyes.
No peeking!
No peeking!
All right, ready?
All right, count.
One, two, three, four, five.
Here I am.
I win again, capiche?
Capiche.
[GIGGLING]
[JESSIE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
D.J., if it's not right by now,
put on a hat.
Stephanie, today's my first day
of junior high school,
and I want to look perfect.
Wait... almost...
there! Quick, spray.
All right.
All over.
Keep spraying.
Get every inch.
All right.
Perfect.
Very natural.
Finally I'm going to a school
that doesn't have a sandbox.
How can you be so happy?
This is the first time
we won't be at the same school.
Aren't you gonna
miss me like crazy?
Stephanie, try to understand.
You are a child.
I'm a young adult and...
starting today, we
live in different worlds.
We don't even live
in different rooms.
Please, don't remind me.
Come on, Deej.
Stay at my school.
I need my big sister
to stick up for me.
What if some kid calls me a...
lame-oid zombie dog?
I don't know. Bite him.
Look, I didn't have a big sister
to stick up for
me, and I did fine.
So will you.
But when I get to junior
high, you'll be in high school.
When I get to high
school, you'll be in college.
When I get to college,
you'll be working at McDonald's.
Mr. Avalos, Jessie
and I are thrilled
that the ad agency has
assigned us to your account.
Extremely thrilled, sir.
We have some exciting ideas
about the motor oil campaign.
Extremely exciting ideas, sir.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Yeah.
You get the door. Don't worry.
I'll say everything
twice. Great.
Hello. Wait, let me guess...
I know why you're here.
You couldn't get through the day
without a kiss, right?
Actually, Danny
needed a ride to work,
but as long as I'm
here... Oh, have mercy!
This early?
I hope you brushed.
Kimmy, here's a wild idea.
This year, why doesn't D.J.
pick you up on the
way to school, huh?
No can do.
My dad eats breakfast
in his underwear.
Yes, sir. Thank
you. Goodbye, sir.
What happened, Joseph?
Jess, it's all set.
We meet Mr. Avalos, 10:00 a.m.
at the Cloverdale country club.
He wants us to
pitch the campaign
while we play golf.
Yes!
Golf? No, J... no,
I'm not playing golf. Uh-uh.
I'm sorry, Joseph.
Golf is for little old ladies.
I play golf.
And hot young babes.
[LAUGHING]
What?
What?
You can't play golf, can you?
Please. I can play golf.
No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Folks, if there's
one thing I can do,
it's play golf.
I remember the last
time I was playing golf,
stepped up to tee, hit the ball,
ba-da-bing!
Right past the windmill
into the little clown's mouth.
Girls, I got your lunches!
Dad, we're right behind you!
Oh, well, here are your lunches.
Mr. Tanner, wake up.
In junior high, the cool
kids buy their lunch.
If you wanna be a good dad,
give her a bag of cash.
Here, D.J., Buy
yourself some lunch,
and make some new friends.
You guys are gonna
have such a great time.
Junior high was when
I got my first boyfriend,
my first slow dance,
my first slow kiss...
and then I woke up,
and it was all a dream.
Goodbye, Dad. See you later.
Bye-bye. Have fun.
Wait for me.
I'll go, too.
Hold on, you little
sesame streaker.
You start nursery
school till next year.
But Michelle, you can practice
with a real school lunch.
No cookies?
Well, I'm going now.
The only Tanner left
in my whole school.
Steph, it's gonna...
No, really. It's
a beautiful thing.
Honey, honey.
I know you're a little scared,
but trust me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
So I guess I shouldn't even
bother with the phony cough?
No.
Have a good day at school, kid.
Knock 'em dead.
JOEY: Have fun, sweetie.
The only Tanner... [SIGHS]
Well, now what?
Look out, scrub.
These new kids are so tiny...
they're embryonic.
[LAUGHING]
D.J!
Kimmy!
Don't ever leave my side again.
That kid has a mustache!
These people, they're
like totally mature.
Where are we?
The Young and the
Restless Junior High?
Let me see your schedule.
We only have one class together.
Sixth period Spanish.
Great. The only
time we're together,
we can't speak English.
D.J., Gibbler. Hi!
Hi.
Do we know you?
Duh! We only went
to school together
for the past six years.
Kathy Santoni.
Kathy Santoni? Kathy Santoni?
You grew up.
Big time.
Pretty intense summer.
Okay.
Here's what I found out so far.
All the cute guys
take metal shop,
and everyone
makes out after school
on the football field.
Everyone?
Well, maybe not everyone.
[BELL RINGS]
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Well, I guess we got to go.
I might go back
to the sixth grade.
Stephanie really needs me.
I play golf too.
No, Michelle.
You sit right here
and watch Uncle Jesse
get a golf lesson first.
Ok, babe?
Got it, dude.
Aha-ha-ha-ha!
Aha-ha-ha!
JESSIE: Thanks for the clothes.
If the sun goes down,
we can play by the
light of my pants.
Hey, we're doing this
to impress the client.
How, by burning out his retinas?
Get your mind off your
pants. Watch my swing.
All right.
That's it?
That's the whole thing?
Piece of cake.
Watch the kid take
care of business here.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Jess... Elvis never
made one golf movie.
All right, here we go.
Let's go.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, that was great.
You see, uh, very few golfers
can drive a lawn that far.
Here. Come on.
I'll help you out.
All right. Give me a hand here.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I hope this is golf-related.
If it wasn't, would
I be doing it?
JOEY: Come on.
All right, here we go
here we go, here we go.
Here we go. Ball
off your left heel.
Ball off your left heel.
Remember, always
keep your head down.
Always keep the head down.
Bend your knees. Bend the knees.
Keep your head down. Head down.
Right elbow in. Right elbow in.
Head down. Sorry.
Now, bring the club back slowly.
Club back slowly.
Oop, sorry. Head down.
Whack, and follow through.
Whack and follow through!
You ready to try
one for yourself?
No, I wanna play like
this for 18 holes. Get off!
I'll get you something to hit.
Nice, easy target.
Easy target.
Here we go.
Daddy be mad.
Not if Michelle be quiet.
My turn.
I'm good.
See how she kept her head down?
Over here. I saved you a seat.
Thanks. My name
is... Not you, scrub.
This seat's taken.
Oh, here comes Mrs. Agbabian.
Good way to lose your lunch.
Young lady, keep
the aisle clear.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
That will be enough of that.
Now find a seat.
That's a very snappy outfit.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
Hi. How's it going?
AUTOMATED VOICE: At the tone,
Pacific Daylight Time
will be 12:14 exactly.
[BEEPS]
At the tone, Pacific
Daylight Time...
My beautiful lawn,
hacked into pieces...
another senseless act
of backyard violence.
Gopher.
A gopher did this?
Hello. Hi.
Two gopher.
Oh, you mean "two golfers."
No. One golfer, one gopher.
You were hitting golf
balls in my backyard?
I swear I didn't hit one ball.
It took us six hours
just to play nine holes.
Tell him your score, Jess.
I got us the motor oil account.
The client loved my ideas.
Aw, that's great,
Jess. Thank you.
Tell him your score, Jess.
I shot 100.
Jess... And 50.
Jess... Nine. You happy?
Actually, I'm very sorry...
Sorry that I don't
have it on videotape.
Hi, Deej. Hi, guys.
D.J! Hey! How was
your first day of school?
Oh, it was your
typical first day.
I got my classes, I went
to them and now I'm home.
Oh, Dad, would you mind tomorrow
if I dress a little
more junior high-ish?
Oh, no. Hey, I understand.
You want to be hip
like your rad dad.
Yeah, that's it.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
Second grade is so cool!
Hey, great! What happened?
Everything! You
happen to be looking
at the room seven
official fish feeder.
ALL: Ooh!
And Uncle Jesse, What?
Now that D.J.'s finally gone,
when people say, "Hey, Tanner,"
I know they're talking
to me. All right, kid!
JOEY: Way to go!
And Daddy, you'll love this.
One of the shrimpy, little
first graders asked me,
"Where's the cafeteria?"
I said, "Can't you
read that big sign
that says cafeteria?"
And the kid says,
"No, I can't read."
They can't even read!
What a great day.
Eew! Eew!
Well, it's almost
time for school.
Do you think we look old enough?
How old do we wanna look?
Old enough to keep me
out of that phone booth
during lunch.
At least you got to eat.
I had to give my lunch
to a girl with a tattoo.
We could use a
little more mascara.
Yeah.
Assume the position.
All right! A make-up party!
I want to look just
like Superstar Barbie.
Chill, child. You
are way too young.
I want make-up.
Here, Michelle. You
can put on a little lipstick.
And I'm too young?
How rude.
DANNY: Let's go,
girls. It's getting late.
Uh, we're coming, dad.
Well... how do we look?
Cheap.
All right!
Kimmy... Wait!
Kimmy!
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Call me Kimberly.
Joseph, it's finally happened.
He's cleaning liquid soap.
Don't be silly.
I'm just cleaning
my rubber gloves.
Danny, there's no
shame in therapy.
Bye. See you later.
Bye. Have a good day at school.
Wait a minute.
Hold it right there.
Dad, we have to get to school.
You have to get past me first.
You said I could look a
little more junior high-ish.
Where is this junior
high, Caesar's Palace?
You may go to school.
I guess
we're not as old as we
thought we were. Are we, now?
I'll see you at school, Deej.
So long, boys.
Dad,
before you say anything,
you were not at school
yesterday. And you did
not see the other girls.
D.J., I don't care
about the other girls.
My daughter's
not going to school
dressed like Jessica Rabbit.
Uncle Jesse, Joey,
you're from this century.
Tell him he's wrong.
Fine. I'll go tie some
bows in my hair,
put on my Garanimals,
and go skipping off to school.
I'll be daddy's
little girl forever.
Not forever.
Just until you're my age.
All right. Let's go
take care of business.
We'll get her through this.
Yeah. Come on!
Hold it! Do we have any idea
how to get her through this?
Not a clue. I'm not
even in the ball park.
Oh, man. Do you know
what all this means?
We are on the verge
of raising a teenager.
Pfft. She's gonna be
going to wild parties.
She's gonna be driving a car.
She's gonna be dating guys.
Like me.
She's never leaving
the house again.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
DANNY: D.J.
Leave me alone.
I can't. I'm your
dad. It's my job.
Honey, I want to know
what's going on with you.
Yesterday was the
worst day of my life.
Everyone looked so
much older than me.
I was dressed exactly like
the teacher that
everybody hates.
I ate lunch in the phone booth
listening to the time lady
for 25 minutes and
30 seconds... beep.
I wish you would have
told me this yesterday.
I was too embarrassed.
I don't know what happened.
In the sixth grade, I was cool.
And now I'm a joke.
Aw, I know it feels that way.
But that's just because
you were a big fish
in a small pond.
Now you're in a big pond,
so you feel like a small fish.
But you don't have
to look like the big fish,
especially if the
big fish are bad fish
and smelly fish.
And, well, now I'm
lost and I'm rambling.
And I just want to hug you
and take you to Sea World.
I just want people to like me.
They will, as soon as
they get to know you.
But look, D.J...
this girl isn't you.
Then who am I?
Well, I guess to me,
you're still my little girl.
Honey, I don't wanna
stop you from growing up,
but you can't go from
12 to 25 overnight.
Kathy Santoni did.
We've got to realize
that this teenage stuff
is all new for both of us.
But, honey, we can work it out
if we keep one thing in mind:
we have no choice.
REBECCA: Danny, let's go.
We're gonna be late.
Oh, D.J., don't
ever let your father
do your make-up.
I did it. It looked
better before.
You know, when I first
started wearing make-up,
I made the same mistakes.
Really? How old were
you? Eighteen? Nineteen?
No, actually, I was
right around D.J.'s age.
Glad I asked.
Really? You wore make-up
when you were my age?
Uh-huh.
Only my mom taught me
that the secret to
wearing make-up
is to make it look like
you're not wearing any.
Well, how do you do that?
Yeah, how do you do that?
Well, by bringing out
D.J.'s natural beauty.
For instance, you want a
very subtle pink eye shadow.
Can I show her?
Can she?
Go for it.
Thanks, Dad, and don't worry,
no matter how old I get,
you can always think
of me as your little girl.
Give me a hug, Dad.
Oh, I love those
words, I love you.
I look pretty.
Oh, yes, little Zsa Zsa,
you look very pretty.
But the secret to make-up
is to make it look like
you're not wearing any.
Dad pretty.
D.J.!
Kimmy! What are you doing here?
I got my whole schedule changed.
We have the same lunch now.
All right!
What happened to your bod?
It's back in my sock drawer.
My mom saw me getting on the bus
and she freaked out.
Um, hi. You're in my
English class, right?
Yeah. I'm Susan Erickson.
And this is Karen Sykes. Hi.
Do you guys wanna sit with us?
Sure, thanks.
I'm D.J. Tanner, and
this is my best friend,
Kimmy Gibbler. Hi.
You're sitting at our table.
Well, now it's a scrub table,
but you're welcome to join us.
[LAUGHS]
I'd rather eat in a phone booth.
All right.
Good job.
Someone should
tell her she's wearing
a bit too much make-up.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]