Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 18 - Mr. Egghead - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Okay, this is a very big
moment for you, Michelle.

It's your first message on
the family answering machine.

Now, all you have
to do is say "hello,"

"leave a message"
and "wait for the beep."

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Okay. On your mark, get set, go.

Hi, people.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle Little star ♪

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪



Please leave a
message after the beep.

Hey, that was my job.

Heh-heh. Okay,
you can do the beep.

It's me again.

Beep.

[CHUCKLES]

Beep, beep.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

CHORUS: ♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪



♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

[PLAYING UPBEAT ROCK MELODY]

STEPHANIE: Stop the music.

Stop the music. Uncle Jesse,

you gotta help me.

Why? What's the matter?

You have to help me
practice for my class picture.

Steph, it's a week away.

I know, but don't you
remember last year?

Right when the photographer
said "cheese," I sneezed.

When the picture
came out, I was like:

[INHALES]

Oh, yeah. Everybody
called you "Sneeze Burger."

All year. All right.

Well, this year,
you're gonna flash 'em

that picture-perfect
smile, all right?

Get over here,
and let's practice.

Are you having fun without me?

Well, I'll tell you what,
you stay right there,

and I'll get right to
you, okay, young lady?

All right, here we
go. Show me love.

Ah, yes.

Let the wind blow
through your hair.

Very nice.

Be happy. Be happier.

If I get any happier, my
cheeks are gonna pop.

[SHUTTER CLICKS] There we go.

My turn. All right.

Show me love.

Let's see your teeth.

Lemme see your teeth.
Lemme see. Put 'em together.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

All right. Let's see.

Here we go, Michelle.

Okay, here it comes.

Here you come. H... H...

Hey, there you are.

I got a big mouth.

Look at this.

I did not deserve
this traffic ticket.

Now my perfect
driving record's ruined.

Eh. Just put it on
mine. No one will notice.

Jesse, don't do that.

This is government paper.

Now I have to iron it.

The right-turn-only sign
was hidden behind a big bush.

Dad's ticket is totally bogus.

And a humongous injustice.

I'll tell you what, I'm
gonna fight this thing.

And, D.J., you're gonna
be my star witness in court.

Hey, can we do it on Wednesday

'cause there's a math
test I'd really like to miss?

Hi, everybody. DANNY: Hey.

D.J.: Hi. Oh... I
love you, Stretch.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Thanks to Danny,

I have an on-the-air tryout
to be the new Mr. Egghead.

That's fantastic!
Great! All right!

You're gonna be Mr. Egghead?

He's the smartest
person on television,

next to Connie Chung.

Uh, Joey, Mr. Egghead
has to know everything

about science.

Well, not that you don't know
everything about science...

Do you know anything
about science?

What's the difference?

Is Captain Kangaroo
a real captain?

Hey, he's not even
a real kangaroo.

Besides, all I have to
do is be hip and funny

and follow the script.

And with Jesse as my
sidekick, how can I miss?

That's right, with Jesse
as his side... sidekick?

Two, one... Sidekick?

Right on time.

Jess, I just wanna have
a hip musical sidekick.

You know, like David
Letterman has Paul Shaffer,

Mr. Egghead has the Professor.

I don't do kiddie shows.

Ah, Jess, come on.

It's just for the tryout.

Okay, fine, you don't
want to be the Professor.

Just think of all
those little kids

who'll have to learn
science without any music.

Yeah, and they'll be too
sad to play with their pets,

and all their dogs and cats
will run away from home...

[CRIES]

That is the stupidest story
I've ever heard in my whole life.

And besides, guilt
doesn't work on me.

Okay, then I'm just gonna
badger you and pester you

until you say you do it.

Will you do it?

Will you do it? Aw, come on.

Will you do it? Will you do it?
Will you do it? Will you do it?

All right, I'll do it!

All right, if it'll
make you happy.

[♪♪♪]

Dad, don't you think that maybe
we're overdoing this blue thing?

D.J., it's been
psychologically proven

that judges are more
sympathetic to people wearing blue.

That's why you never
see a Smurf on death row.

What a week.

Tomorrow's class picture day,

Friday is pizza day in
the cafeteria, and today,

my whole class gets to see
Joey on the Mr. Egghead Show.

I love my life.

This is so cool.

I can't believe
someone I actually know

is going to have their
very own TV show.

Uh, Steph, honey, uh, I
have my own TV show,

Wake Up, San Francisco.

I know, but this is a show
that people I know watch.

See ya.

Come on, Dad. Let's
practice for court.

Okay, now, D.J., the
first thing they're gonna do

is swear you in.

Now please place your
right hand on Fred Savage.

Any time.

What was that?

Oh, nothing.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

I Fred... I mean, I do.

Okay, Miss Tanner.

Now please step
into the witness stand

and explain to Judge Bear here

everything that
happened in every detail.

I will demonstrate with
these extremely easy-to-follow

visual aids.

Okay.

Ms. Tanner.

My dad and I were
driving north on Fremont.

And my dad was cleaning
between the buttons on the car radio.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, D.J.,

there's no need to
bring up that minor detail.

Dad, I can't lie to the judge.

Oh, I'm not asking you to lie.

If the judge asks you directly,
"D.J., was your father dusting

between the
buttons on the radio?"

then you can say yes.

Well, we came to a corner

and there was a
right-turn-only sign.

Except we couldn't
see it because of a bush.

And now our big finish.

The face of truth and innocence.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: We're on
the air in three, two, one.

[KEYBOARD PLAYING
FUN, UPBEAT MELODY]

♪ Oh, hey there, Mr. Egghead
You scientific dude ♪

♪ Whenever you're around ♪

♪ I'm in a scientific mood ♪

♪ You tell us how the bird
flies Or how the fungus grows ♪

♪ The creation of the universe ♪

♪ Or how we blow our nose ♪

♪ Yes, you know
everything Under the sun ♪

♪ Thank you, Mr. Egghead
For making learning fun ♪

And now here he is,

the man who knows
everything, Mister-rrrrr Egghead!

KIDS: Egghead!

[CHEERING]

Egg-stremely kind of you.

Thank you, Professor.

Ain't no thing, Mr. Egghead.

Greetings, Junior Eggheads.

ALL: Greetings, Mr. Egghead.

Welcome to the new,
improved Mr. Egghead Show.

My special guests in
the egg carton today

are from Mrs. Hardesty's
second-grade class

at Fraser Street
Elementary School.

ALL: Hi!

Don't egg-shaust yourself
because now it's time for...

"Ask Mr. Egghead."

Professor, let's find out

who has our first
scientific question? Right.

ALL: Me, me, me, me, me.

Yes, the scholarly looking
gentleman, three eggs in.

What happened to
the old Mr. Egghead?

Well, he's, uh... on vacation.

I read in the newspaper
that he didn't pay his taxes.

Well, he's on vacation
for three to five years.

And so ends another
fascinating segment of...

BOTH: "Ask Mr. Egghead."
ALL: Egghead!

And now it's time to discuss
our topic of the day: energy.

All right.

[ALL CHEERING]

How about a little
energy music, Professor?

Okay, Mr. Eggroll...
Egghead. Sorry.

Okay, you know what?

We're all wondering,
"What egg-actly is energy?"

Egg-cellent question, Professor.

Well, to put it in
it's simplest terms,

energy is the
ability to do work.

Energy is all around us.

Why, energy is in the sun.

Energy is in our muscles.

Hey, Mr. Egghead.

[SNICKERS]

Why, energy is even in Walter.

Sorry to interrupt, but
I've been wondering,

if the speed of light
is based on the theory

that light has
a finite velocity,

how would that
calculate in a black hole?

Let's let the Professor
field this one.

Well,

son, I'm gonna tell you the
same thing my father told me

when I was young.

Look it up.

Well-put, Professor.

And now it's time to pick
one special Junior Egghead

to help me with an
egg-speriment about energy.

KIDS: Me!

Oh, here's a pretty
young Egghead.

Thanks, Joey.

It's Mr. Egghead.

Hey!

They live in the same house.

This is a fix.

KIDS [CHANTING]: Fix! Fix! Fix!

[PLAYING "CHARGE"]

ALL: ♪ Fix, fix, fix, fix ♪

♪ Fix, fix, fix, fix ♪

♪ Fix, fix, fix, fix ♪

ALL: Fix!

Don't egg them on, Professor.

Young lady, tell
everyone your name.

Stephanie Judith Tanner,

and I'm very
egg-cited to be here.

Egg-cellent.

Let's take a look at how
energy works, shall we?

Now, over here we have

your ordinary, run-of-the-mill
boxing glove on a spring.

Now, when I pull the lever
and release the spring,

its stored energy
becomes kinetic energy,

propelling the boxing glove
into Proton the Clown's face.

[FUN, UPBEAT MELODY PLAYING]

Now, lovely assistant,

pull the lever, release
the energy, and learn.

[PLAYS "CHARGE"]

It's stuck.

It is.

Because, as we say
in the laboratory...

[PLAYS "CHARGE"]

"Something's wrong."

This never happened
to the real Mr. Egghead.

Walter, why don't you take
a journey through the egg-zit.

I'll cover for you, Mr. Egghead.

Professor? "Tomorrow."

[PLAYS "TOMORROW"] ♪ The ♪

♪ Sun'll come out ♪

♪ Tomorrow... ♪

Steph, I'm sorry.

I didn't see you there.

Steph, are you okay?

Steph, say something.

How... rude.

[♪♪♪]

I sure wish Stephanie would
get home from the doctor.

Is she getting a lollipop?

Stephanie's gonna
get anything she wants.

Hey.

How is she? Where is she?

Is she okay?

Calm down, Joey.
She's gonna be all right.

Steph.

Don't worry, Joey. It's
just a little broken nose.

Yeah, the doctor said the
splint will be off in a week,

and she'd be as good as new.

Steph, I am so sorry.

Here, I bought you
a little something.

Thanks, Joey.

I know you didn't
mean to break my nose.

You broke Stephanie's
nose? Go to your room.

You're right. I've been bad.

Joey, she's three-years-old.

She has no authority
to punish you.

I'll take a picture.
Say "cheese."

Oh, no. I forgot!

Tomorrow's class picture day.

Why me?

You forgot your presents.

I don't want my presents.

Ooh, happy birthday to me.

Jess, this is terrible.

It's bad enough
I broke her nose,

How do I tell Danny?

Aw, come on, Joey,
it was an accident.

Besides, he's your best
friend. He'll understand.

Well, if your best friend
broke your daughter's nose,

what would you do? I'd kill him.

I'm home.

Hi. Bye.

Joseph.

Well, there he is. The
man who knows everything.

How'd the show go?

Oh, I'd rather hear
about your day in court.

While I was pleading my
case, my meter ran out,

and they towed my car.

It cost me $100
to beat a $30 ticket.

Dad, we can fight this.

Set it up for a week
from Thursday.

I have a killer Biology test.

Oh, so, Joey, how'd
you do on the show?

Well, for starters, I was
booed off the stage and fired.

See ya.

Fired?

Joey, I was positive
you'd be a hit.

Well, there was a hit involved.

Well, how can I say this? Um...

Joey broke Stephanie's nose.

You broke Stephanie's nose?!

You better go to your room.

There is no way I'm
going to school tomorrow

for picture day.

Last year I was Sneeze Burger.

This year I'll be Robo-nose.

Steph, you know Dad's not
gonna let you miss school.

True.

Ahhh!

But what if I don't ask him?

Steph, aw, honey.

Are you okay?

Yep, I'm fine.

The doctor says I'll be
as good as new in a week.

Is there anything
at all you need?

Well...

I've always wanted
a big-screen TV.

Go for it, Steph.

[♪♪♪]

Phew.

Michelle, what are
you doing in here?

What are you doing in here?

Is this what you do every
day when I leave for school?

Sneak in here and
play with my toys?

Every day.

Michelle, listen to me.

I'm ditching school 'cause
I'm not taking my class picture

with this thing on my nose.

But you can't tell
anyone I'm home.

Pinkie swear?

Pinkie swear.

Okay.

Now you have to do me a favor.

Go downstairs to the kitchen
and get me something to eat.

And if anyone asks
who the food is for,

you say, "nobody."

Got it?

Got it, dude.

Mmm. I'm a good cook.

Michelle, you
just ate breakfast.

This is not for me.

Well, then, who is it for?

Nobody.

Michelle, this
sandwich is inside out.

You're supposed
to say thank you.

JOEY: Michelle!

Oh, no, it's Joey.

Remember, I'm not here.

Aw, Michelle, you are gonna
make such a mess up here.

Too late.

STEPH: Hey!

Uh-oh.

Hey, you, doggy.
That's for nobody.

Oh, hi, Joey.

I was just testing my new
glow-in-the-dark shoelaces.

Out.

Steph, why aren't you in school?

Joey, please don't make
me go to school like this.

You already broke my nose on TV,

now you're gonna make me
be teased for a whole year?

What did I ever do to you?

All I did was love you.

Oh, you never have
to go to school again.

Stephanie, what
are you doin' here?

Joey says I never have
to go to school again!

Jess, look, she's
way too embarrassed

to get her picture
taken like this.

We'll write her a little
note, Danny'll never know.

Works for me.

Now, Stephanie...

pal, you're only in the
second grade once...

hopefully.

Now a class picture is something
you can treasure forever.

If you miss that picture,

you may regret it for
the rest of your life.

I'm willing to take that chance.

Let me put it another
way. You're goin' to school.

But, Uncle Jesse... I
don't want any buts.

Now go downstairs and wait.

Okay, I'll go. All right.

But I'm not gonna smile.

This is all my fault.

Yes, it is. Oh, thanks
for the pep talk.

Oh, come on, Joey, grow up, man.

Feeling guilty's not
gonna help anybody.

Oh, great, now I'm feeling
guilty about feeling guilty.

Joseph, snap out of it.

You're a comedian.

You're supposed to make
people laugh at their troubles.

Now, there's a
little girl downstairs

who I know could use a laugh.

Are you gonna go and
take care of business,

or are you gonna stay up here
and wallow in your self-pity?

Just give me one more wallow.

Joey, what are you doing here?

Waiting for Steph.

Come on, everybody's
ready to take the class picture.

Do I have to? I'm
gonna look so silly.

You're not gonna look sillier
than the rest of the class.

ALL: Hi, Stephanie.

All right.

This is great.

And, I got you a pair too.

Now go take that picture.

Thanks, Mr. Egghead.

Thanks, Professor.

Joseph, this is one
of the stupidest ideas

you've ever had.

And one of the best.

Good job.

Okay, everybody,
one, two, three, smile.

And now one without the glasses.

Aw, what the heck.

[IMITATES GROUCHO MARX] All
right, everyone say the secret word.

And of course, that word
would be, well, uh, "cheese."

ALL: Cheese!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪