Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 17 - 13 Candles - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[ALARM CLOCK BUZZING]

What time is it?

3:47.

I was born on this day
exactly 13 years ago at 3:48.

You have an excellent memory.

Four, three, two, one... yes!

I am now officially a teenager.

Well, pin a rose on your nose.

Well, I have to rest
up for my party tonight.

Oh, and don't forget,
you're not invited.



I liked you better
when you were a kid.

Well, those days are over.

Because you're
now sharing a room

with a sophisticated,
mature young woman.

I'm 13!

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪



♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Before I won this fight ♪

♪ Everybody's talkin'
All this stuff about me... ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Happy birthday, D.J.

Thanks, Jake.

Hey, Gibbler.

Hey, Bitterman.

Dweeb.

Dweebette.

So, D.J., where's
your future boyfriend?

Who?

You know who.

Kevin Gwin.

You love him, and you know it.

I do not love him.

I just like him.

You like him a lot.

Okay, I like him a lot.

But only if he likes me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, D.J.

Hi, Kevin. Come on in.

Happy 13th.

This is from me...
but I lost your card.

Well, I'm glad you
didn't lose my address.

You could make this the
best birthday she's ever had.

You'll have to excuse Kimmy.

The mall's open, but
nobody's shopping.

Okay, Michelle.

D.J. says I'm not
allowed to go to her party.

Can you believe it?

No!

It's true.

She had the nerve
to say I'm nosy.

Now, go take a
picture of the party.

I gotta know what's going on.

Okay.

No problem.

Okay, come on.
Come on, Michelle.

Hey, birthday party!

Say "cheese."

Michelle!

Thank you.

I did it! I did it!

Dad, Stephanie sent
Michelle in to spy on my party.

[SIGHS]

All I got is a picture
of the ceiling.

Don't have a cow.

There she is, Joey.
It's the birthday girl.

Let's get her again.

No, not again!

♪ Thirteen candles ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪

Please, they'll
hear you in there.

Stephanie, you're
supposed to be out with Joey.

It so happens, we were
just leaving on our date.

Joey and I are going to
the Daffy Duck film festival.

[IMITATING DAFFY DUCK]
And afther, we'll go out for pitha.

Thorry. Come on!

What are you guys
doing down here, anyway?

I thought we had an agreement.

Yes, we do. Our agreement
is that you and your friends

will behave responsibly,
and we'll stay out of your way.

I'll be right upstairs with Becky,
working on Monday's show.

So just let us say
hello to your guests

and show them a few
of your baby pictures,

maybe run that
video of your first bath.

Dad!

Sorry.

I just want to meet Kevin Gwin,

the boy you're
secretly in love with.

You little sneak.
You read my diary!

Hey, it's not my fault

you left it in the bottom
of the sock drawer

with the key taped
under your bed,

where anyone could find it.

Forget about Kevin.

We'll go in, we'll say
hello and goodbye.

Follow me.

All right.

Come here.

Which one's Kevin?

Shh!

Okay, everyone...

this is my family.
They'd just like to say hi.

ALL: Hi!

ALL: Hi!

And now they're leaving.

ALL: Bye!

ALL: Bye!

Bye, Kevin.

Bye.

That's him!

Out. Out. Out, out, out.

So you're Kevin Gwin.

I've read so much about you.

Stephanie, for the last
time, get out and stay out.

How... Rude. Bye!

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING
FANCIFUL MELODY]

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

Ah, now this is a party.

You got singing,
dancing, cwazy wabbits.

He not cwazy.

Hold it, furball.

Why you always follow me around?

The doggy can't talk.

I know that.

Hey, you.

Out!

Hey.

Comet loves you.

All right, come here.

Comet, I'm gonna teach
you who's the master,

and who's the mutt
around here, okay?

I'll teach you a very
simple command.

All the dogs know it.

It's very simple.
It's called "sit."

Okay, you ready?

Sit.

Sit.

Put your butt on
the carpet, dog.

Be nice to the doggy.

Sit, Comet.

You get a cookie.

See? Be nice.

All right. I'm gonna
dig deep into my soul

and try to be nice to this mutt.

[SWEETLY] Hello, Comet.

Comet, you're
such a... pretty dog.

Comet-poo, why don't
you try sittin', huh, pal?

Come on, Comet.

Will you sit for me, pally?

Come on, here. It's very simple.

Here, let me show
you how it's done.

You simply put your
back legs down, and...

See how I'm doing it?

See, Comet? I'm sitting.

Very good. You get a cookie.

[FUN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

D.J., the party's almost over.

Why are you dancing with Elliot?

You should be dancing
with Kevin Gwin.

I would, but Kevin
didn't ask me.

Well, go ask him.
It's easy. Watch.

Bitterman, wanna dance?

Yeah, why not.

Maybe later. I'm busy.

See? Nothing to it.

He's coming over!

Now's your perfect chance.

This is a cool party.

Thanks.

You're a good dancer.
I was watching you.

You're good too.

Think so? Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna
go get some punch.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Kathy, you gotta help me
get D.J. and Kevin together.

They are so shy.

Don't worry. I know
the perfect way.

[PLAYING ELEGANT TANGO MELODY]

Aw, Rebecca, does
Wake Up, San Francisco

really have to have
a tango segment?

You know I'm gonna
make a total fool of myself.

That's why we have to have it.

Okay...

the secret to the
tango is attitude.

Okay.

Ah, señorita...

just the sight of you makes
my heart scream "Babalu!"

[LAUGHS]

Oh! Ow! Ooh! Sorry.

Too much attitude.

Por favor.

El Pollo Loco.

[TANGO MELODY CONTINUES PLAYING]

Tiene mercy.

Hi, Joey.

Whoa, you got a lot of fillings.

[GIGGLES]

How was the Daffy Duck festival?

[IMITATING DAFFY DUCK]
It wath thoroughly thtimulating.

KIMMY: Okay,
everybody, listen up.

Did you guys hear that?

I forgot...

We can hear what's
going on down at the party.

JOEY: Cool.

Oh, come on, you guys.

You shouldn't spy on her.

Shh!

KIMMY: All right...

everybody sit in a circle.

Elliot, turn off the lights.

Who wants to
spin the bottle first?

ALL: Spin the Bottle?!

ALL: Ow!

Serves you right.

We gotta get down there.

No, wait a minute.
Hold it, you guys.

Now, this is D.J.'s
first boy-girl party.

You can't go barging in
there like a SWAT team.

No, wait a minute.
She's right, she's right.

Now, we gotta stop and think
of some legitimate excuses...

then we barge in
like a SWAT team.

First, we get something
for this headache.

How about some athpirin?

I'll go get some more punch.

D.J., you're the birthday girl.

You gotta play.

Hey, we gonna spin or what?

Chill, Bitterman.

I'll go first.

KIMMY: And the
lucky winner is...

Oh, no! It landed
on... Bitterman?!

BOTH: Ew!

Okay, that was my practice spin.

Uh-uh, you gotta kiss him.

Okay, let's get this over with.

BOTH: Whoa, baby!

Okay, Kevin, you're next.

Someone else can go.

Come on, everybody's waiting.

All right, D.J.

Hey, you guys set me up.

So what?

Don't you wanna kiss Kevin?

Let's go, Kev. Plant one on her!

Come on, Deej. What
are you waiting for?

Come on, you
guys. You gotta kiss.

So kiss, kiss, kiss.

I think they want us to kiss.

I think you're right.

[KIDS GROAN]

Nope, nothing
wrong with the lights.

The switch was just
in the wrong position.

Peanuts! Popcorn! Programs!

You don't know the kids
without a program! Ha-ha!

Hey, hey, hey!
It's your Uncle J,

coming to you live with
the sounds of today,

with the latest in
the fast-dancing,

no-touching music.

Ho-ho, would you look at that?

There's that ketchup bottle
I've been looking for, ha!

Let's go find a
hamburger, shall we?

Okay, who wants to dance?

I do, I do! Me, me! I want to.

Not with me. GIRLS: Aw!

With the boys. Everybody
dancing, come on!

Everybody... No touching!
Come on, space is your friend.

We'll have fun, fun, fun,

till your daddy takes
the ketchup bottle away.

Have fun, kids!

It's getting late.

I gotta go.

I just... well...
happy birthday.

Thanks for coming.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Thanks a lot, Kimmy.

Uh, everybody, have fun.

ALL: Yeah, yeah.

Thanks for spying on me.

Honey, we didn't
mean to embarrass you.

Oh, you could've fooled
me. "Peanuts, popcorn..."

Uncle J. with
"no-touching music."

Oh, that was real subtle.

Not to mention, "Ho-ho,
there's that ketchup bottle

I've been looking for."

D.J., as long as these
kids are in my house,

I'm responsible for them.

And I don't think their
parents would appreciate me

letting them play
Spin the Bottle.

How did you know
about it, anyway?

Were you listening at the door?

No, the fireplace.

D.J., about these
kissing games...

Dad, I didn't even...
I wasn't even...

I never... Forget it!

I can't talk to you about this.

Thanks for ruining my birthday.

D.J.

What happened?

She hates me.

Aw, she doesn't hate you.

If she hates anybody, it's me.

I'm the one who came
up with that Uncle J stuff.

You have to realize that
D.J.'s a teenager now.

This is a really
confusing time in her life.

[SIGHS]

It's times like this I really
wish D.J. had a mother.

Becky, would you
do me a huge favor?

No, Danny, I won't marry you.

But I will talk to D.J.

Aw, thanks. You're welcome.

Ah, guys, maybe
we need to relax.

I mean, all three of us
played Spin the Bottle

when we were kids.

I remember my best spin
ever: Diane Van Zandt.

Have mercy.

What about you guys?

BOTH: Colleen Finegan.

When?

Eighth grade.

Seventh grade.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

I don't want to talk about it.

D.J., it's Becky.

What is it?

Can I borrow five bucks?

What?

I'm this upset, and all you
want to do is borrow money?

No, but I got you
to open the door.

You wanna talk?

There's nothing to talk about.

Dad, Joey and Uncle Jesse
came barging into my party,

right when Kevin and I were...

Never mind.

Deej, whatever you say is
just between you and me.

You know that, don't you?

Yeah.

So, what happened?

Oh, Becky...

we were playing Spin the Bottle,

and they set it up so
Kevin and I were gonna kiss.

And I really like him,
and I kinda wanted to...

but I didn't want to, you know?

'Cause everybody was watching,

and I've never
kissed anyone before.

D.J., you should
never do something

just because people
want you to do it.

A kiss is a very special,
very personal thing.

Especially your first kiss.

I was a little scared.

Everybody's scared
about their first kiss.

Kimmy wasn't.

Never go by Kimmy.

But I was scared
about my first kiss.

It was at a school picnic.

Jimmy Stone and I had just
won the three-legged race.

Then we went for a
walk down by the pond...

which wasn't easy, because
we were still tied together.

And we both went
to untie the knot,

and we bumped heads.

And we started laughing
so hard that we fell over.

And then... he kissed me.

I'll never forget that.

I hope mine's that nice.

It will be.

You just wait for the right
time with the right guy.

Well, how will I know?

You listen to your heart.

You'll know.

Thanks.

It's really hard to talk
to the guys and my dad

about this kind of stuff.

Well, I'm always here for you.

But don't forget,

no matter what your problem is,

your dad and Uncle
Jesse, and Joey

are always on your side,

'cause they love you very much.

Now, get back to your party.

Thanks, Becky.

Why couldn't I just
do that to Kevin?

Happy birthday,
Deej. I gotta get home.

Me too. Bye, Deej. ALL: Bye.

D.J.: Bye. Hope you had fun.

Thank you for coming.

Nice party. Thanks.

Drive safely.

D.J.

I hope you're not mad at me

about that Spin
the Bottle stuff.

I just wanted your 13th
birthday to be special.

You're my best friend.

Thanks, Kimmy.

You're... one of a kind.

Ready, babe?

Wow, I'm a babe.

Bye, Deej. Good party. Thanks.

Bye. Bye.

There you go.

Thanks.

See you tomorrow.
Good night, honey.

Hi.

Bye, Deej. Bye.

Happy birthday.

Thanks. Good night, guys.

Good night. Thanks, Becky.

You guys need any help?

Nah, it's still your birthday
for two more hours.

You go live it up, kid

Well, first, I want
to apologize.

I'm sorry I got mad at you guys.

You didn't ruin my birthday.

I was just upset over
some other things.

You want to talk
about it, honey?

Thanks, but I feel better now.

But don't feel bad,

because I'm sure I'm gonna
have plenty of other problems

for you guys to
talk to me about.

Well, we certainly hope so.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

I got it.

Hi. Kevin, right?

Yeah.

Is it okay if I talk to D.J.?

Sure, come on in.

Deej, it's for you.

Hi, Kevin.

Hi.

Oh, I'll, uh... I'll just go
clean up the living room.

Oh, I'll just go watch him.

Uh... I'll just continue,
uh, my obedience training

with Comet.

Heel, Comet! Heel, boy!

Aw, Comet, heel.

Comet, let's... Let's heel, see?

There we go. This is us heeling.

There we go, I'm heeling
you, you're heeling me.

Hey, there!

We'll be in the
living room, heeling.

I found your birthday card.

You came back
just to give me this?

And to tell you I had
nothing to do with that setup.

I know. It was Kimmy's idea.

She thinks we're
the perfect couple.

Hey, nobody can
be wrong all the time.

Well, happy birthday.

Uh, wait. I'll walk you out.

Thanks again for my present.

You're welcome.

And thanks for coming
back with the card.

No problem.

Well, bye.

Bye.

See you in Algebra Monday.

I'll be there.

Yes!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]