Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 12 - Joey & Stacy and... Oh, Yeah, Jesse - full transcript

Comet, the puppy, is an undisciplined chewer, and Jessse bosses around with Joey, who fascinates a background singer to a commercial.

Michelle, what are you doing?

I'm blowing bubbles.

Well, my little
milk-and-cookie monster,

big girls do not blow
bubbles into their milk.

Why?

Because milk is not a toy.

Why?

Because they don't
sell milk in toy stores.

Why?

You know, I don't know why.

Maybe this is just
one of those things



that grownups say to keep
kids from havin' a good time.

I can't think of
one good reason,

why we shouldn't blow
bubbles into our milk.

Let's go.

Well, there's one good reason.

Not like that. Like this.

Oh.

How's that?

Better.

[♪♪♪]

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪



♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Perma Teeth Denture
adhesive commercial, take three.

♪ When you're smilin' ♪

♪ Scooby-doo-doo ♪

♪ When you're smilin' ♪

♪ Scooby-doo-doo ♪

Hold the scooby-doo-doos.

Jess, I have a great new idea

for the Perma Teeth commercial.

Instead of usin' music,

which, uh, you gotta
admit's kinda old-fashioned,

we zap 'em with comedy.

Ready?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Hi.
Big Ed here for Perma Teeth.

[CHUCKLES]

I love my dentures.

I used to have real teeth,

but I didn't brush 'em
for six whole years.

Heh.

How come? 'Cause I plumb forgot.

[CHUCKLES]

That's funny. Isn't he funny?

We're not doing funny.

Come on, Jess.

No, Joseph.

Meet our backup singers.
This is Stacey Fleetwood.

You're Joey Gladstone.

I saw your act last weekend

at the Laugh Machine.
You were hysterical.

Well, thank you very much.

You were a beautiful audience.

And this is Cindy Daniels.

Hi. Hi.

I've never heard of you.

You will. You will not
believe how funny he is.

Joey, uh, do your
Roseanne Barr imitation.

[IMITATES ROSEANNE
BARR] I can't do it right now.

The kids are playin' in
the garbage disposal.

Do you have any idea
how much it's gonna cost

to fix that thing?

You got a doughnut?

[CHUCKLES]

He kills me.

You gotta do your Popeye.

You like Popeye?

Are you kidding? I love Popeye.

No! Yes!

Any guy who can eat
spinach through a pipe

is my kind of man.

[IMITATING POPEYE] Whoa!

[IMITATES POPEYE LAUGHING]

I have a whole Popeye
collection over here.

You gotta see this. Oh, my...

This is a musical
can of spinach.

Are we in this room?

We are, but we shouldn't be.

Joey, what do you
say we call it a day?

Okay, fine. [SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY]

Dinner's in an hour. Okay, fine.

The Pope's coming.

Yeah. Say "hi" for me.

He's gone.

This is an actual
Popeye signature.

Well, it's an actual one.

I mean, there's all
those Popeye forgeries

going around now.

[♪♪♪]

D.J., I promise.

This is the last time I'll
ever copy your homework.

Kimmy, if you keep copying,

you're never gonna
learn anything.

So what?

Once I'm out of school,
I'm never gonna use English.

Oh, no. Look at this!

The dog ate my homework.

All that hard work for nothing.

This is exactly why I
never do homework.

Comet ate my favorite tie.

Where is that goat
in dogs' clothing?

I don't know, but
if you find him,

see if he has a book
report on Little Women

stuck in his teeth.

The doggy ate my bunny slipper.

Oh, honey,

I don't think he,
uh, actually ate it.

I think he just
sorta drooled on it.

Ew. Doggy drool.

Hi, everybody.

ALL: There he is.

Yeah, there he is.

Well, hey, hey.

Why is everyone mad
at sweet little Comet?

You ate my bunny slipper.

Bad, bad, bad.

If Comet could talk,
I'm sure he would say:

[PANTING]

How rude.

Dad, no one will believe

the old "my dog ate
my homework" excuse,

so I'll just tell my teacher
that Michelle ate it.

[CHUCKLES] Mr. Tanner,

have you ever considered
obedience school?

Yes, and tell your parents
I'm willing to pay half.

Steph, Comet is out of control.

He thinks this house
is one big Milk-Bone.

It's not Comet's fault.

His dog food tastes terrible.

You tasted it?

Of course not.

I fed it to Michelle.

I hate dog food.

Yuck!

Steph, listen to
me very carefully.

Do not feed dog
food to your sister.

Okay.

And, Comet, you gotta
learn the rules around here.

Rule number one: Never lick
my nose when I'm lecturing you.

Comet, I know it's an
easy mark, but don't do it.

Okay, okay. Now,
name this TV show.

Okay. All right?
Here's your hint:

[TSKS]

[HISSES]

Mission Impossible.

♪ Mission impossible ♪

♪ Mission How'd I
get this mission? ♪

♪ It's impossible ♪

You are so cute.

Oh, come on, cut... it... out.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah!

Aye, Chihuahua!

Aye, Chihuahua?

Well, I coulda
said, "Have mercy!"

But it felt a little more
like, "Aye, Chihuahua!"

Yeah. All right, well, tomorrow
when we pitch that commercial,

I'm wearin' my black suit,
so wear your gray suit, okay?

All right.

Aye, Chihuahua?

[JOEY CHUCKLES]

Joey, why do you always
let Jesse boss you around?

Oh, he didn't boss me around.

I only have one suit.

It's not just the suit.

He's been telling you
what to do all week.

What about that
denture commercial?

Your comedy idea was great.

But just because Jesse
didn't like it, you dropped it.

I'm just kind of a
go-with-the-flow kinda guy.

[SIGHS]

But if you'd be a little
bit more assertive,

Jesse would take your
ideas more seriously.

I just wish you'd
believe in yourself

as much as I believe in you.

Well, thanks, Stacey.

You know, maybe you're right.

JESSE: Joey, get in here!

Uh, comin', boss.

Oh, that's just a nickname...

that, uh, Jesse asked me to use.

Mm-hmm.

I love you. Bye.

Oh, Joey, I just
talked to Becky.

Cancel your plans
tomorrow night.

All four of us
are goin' bowling.

Heh.

Oh, now you're
deciding when I bowl?

Just like you decided
not to use my comedy idea

for the Perma Teeth commercial.

Where's this coming from?

We both agreed
my idea was better.

No. You agreed that
your idea was better.

We were just talking about
how my idea was great.

Wait a minute. Which
"we" are we talking about?

Are we talkin' about
"us" we or "you" we?

"We" we.

I just think that Joey
has terrific ideas.

Ah, well, here's
a terrific idea:

Why don't you give me a
moment alone with my partner?

It's okay, Stace.
I can handle this.

All right, honey.

Tsk. Joey, come on, man.

I think you have great ideas.

That's why we're partners.

That's why we're so successful.

The two of us. One, two.

How come you get to go first?

Fine. Two, one.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

There ya go. There's the smile.

Yeah, all right. All right.
Dueling Sammys, okay?

[IMITATES SAMMY DAVIS,
JR.] You are the greatest, man.

[IMITATES SAMMY DAVIS,
JR.] No, man. You are the greatest.

No, babe. No, no,
no. Hold the presses.

Pound for pound,
you're the best, babe.

You, babe, are the
candyman's candyman.

[NORMAL] All
right! Attaboy! Okay?

All right. All right.

Now, tomorrow...
wear the gray suit,

we're gonna pitch my idea
and no comedy stuff, okay?

Mr. Bear's hat.

Mr. Bear's scarf.

Trench coat... and pants.

This means...

Mr. Bear is naked.

[GASPS]

Help! Call 911!

Call 911! Help!

What's the matter?!

Mr. Bear.

It's better not to look.

I make him better.

It didn't work.

Steph, what's goin' on?

Oh, bummer.

The dog did it!

Comet, how could you?

After all I've done for you.

You ate my best friend.

Comet. Come here.

This is a doggy no-no.

D.J., take him downstairs,

read him his rights
and book him.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I know how much
you love Mr. Bear.

But these kinda things
happen when you have a dog.

I have no dog.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Kiner, you're gonna love
what our boys came up with.

Gentlemen.

Mr. Kiner, as you know,

today's denture
wearers are more alive,

more active, if you
will, than ever before.

Our campaign shows
that thanks to Perma Teeth,

wearing dentures doesn't
mean the party's over.

Big Joe.

Picture, if you will, sir,

a dance floor full of happy,

smiling denture-wearers,
represented

by the vivacious Mrs. Ferguson.

They're all swinging to
the sound of a big band.

As we pan their
happy, smiling faces,

with teeth firmly
in place, we hear...

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ When you're smilin' ♪
♪ Scooby-doo-doo ♪

♪ Ooh, when you're smilin' ♪
♪ Scooby-doo-doo ♪

♪ The whole world
Is smilin' with you ♪

♪ When you're laughin' ♪
♪ Scooby-doo-doo ♪

♪ Or when you're chucklin' ♪
♪ Scooby-doo-doo ♪

♪ Oh, the sun, it is
a-come A-shinin' through ♪

♪ So keep on smilin' ♪
♪ Ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're smilin' ♪

♪ The whole world smiles with ♪
♪ Whole world smiles with ♪

♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪

♪ Scooby-dooby-doo ♪
Perma Teeth.

Take a bite out of life.

It's a very nice presentation.

It is, of course,
the safe approach.

You're always safe with safe.

Unless you're... too safe.

Well, sir, if I may be so bold,

we feel that this concept
is the best way to go.

Well, thank you, gentlemen.

I'll think it over.

[WHISPERING] Joey, go on.

Tell him your idea. Mr. Kiner...

Sir, before you leave,

we'd like you to consider
going a whole other way.

The concept, sir, is comedy.

It's more exciting,

and it's definitely unexpected.

Definitely unexpected.

We think you're
gonna love it, sir.

Don't we?

We'd better.

[♪♪♪]

Now, sir, we'd like to show
you a commercial that says,

"Wearing dentures can be fun."

Ready, Jess? Oh, sure.

I'll just go sit on the couch

and look confused.

Perfect. Heh, heh.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, sir, we take
you to a hockey game.

Aye, Chihuahua.

Defending the net

is world-famous hockey goalie

and denture wearer, Guy LeDome.

[IMITATES SKATING SOUNDS]

[FRENCH ACCENT]
Hello. I am Guy LeDome.

You know, for years,

I thought the protective
mask was for... Ha, ha!

Sissy boys.

Then one day,

I stopped a puck with my mouth.

[GROANS] Oh, that hurt.

Then I had to use my teeth

for gravel in my fish tank.

So then I bought some...

how you say, uh...
phony-baloney teeth?

Dentures.

Merci beaucoup.

Now I keep my dentures
in place with Perma Teeth.

When you have to
bite Wayne Gretzky...

[IMITATES BITING, GROANS]

You swine.

There's no time to
find your choppers

laying by the blue line.

So use Perma Teeth

and take a bite out of life...

or Wayne Gretzky.

Well, it's twisted.
It's off-center.

It's... exactly what
I'm looking for.

Let's do it.

Great! Terrific.

Nice work. Yes!

Yes!

Oh, Joey, I am so proud of you.

[CHUCKLES]

I never would have
had the guts to do this

if it wasn't for you.

Well, partner, looks like you
and I got some work to do.

I think you and Stace
can handle this one.

Jess, are you mad
'cause they liked my idea

more than they liked yours?

You had this whole thing
planned out, didn't you?

That's not your
regular underwear.

I was prepared in
case we needed it.

And it's a good thing I was.

You know, ever since
you've hooked up

with Yoko over
here... you've changed,

and not for the better.

Her name is Stacey,
and leave her outta this.

I didn't mean to
cause any trouble.

Well, you did. No, she didn't.

Stop blaming this on Stacey.

Fine. Then I blame it on you.

Jess.

Joey.

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

What? I don't want
to be responsible

for breaking up
your partnership.

Oh, it's a little
late for that, babe.

Come on, Jess.

Joey.

You guys have been
together for years.

We just met.

Work things out with Jesse.

[WHISPERS] I'm sorry.

[♪♪♪]

Stacey.

Don't worry, Steph.

The patient is in good hands.

I haven't lost a bear yet.

Deej, if you make him better,

I swear I'll never
read your diary again.

You read my diary?

Uh... not anymore.

What's up, doc?

Great. My nurse is here.

Say "ah."

Now, get a lollipop.

This is all very cute.

Now, can we get on
with the operation?

What are you doing in
here? Looking for dessert?

Out! Out! Out!

She needs a nap.

Dad, tell Comet to
stay out of my room.

Comet, stay out of her room.

Your best friend's
a hockey puck.

Ooh-hoo. Problems everywhere.

I live for this stuff.

Okay, Jess, spill your guts.

Aw, Joey agreed not
to pitch his dumb idea,

and he did it anyway.

He stabbed me right in the
back right in front of my face.

Just like Comet.

All right.

I think I want everybody
to sit down right now.

It's time for a little
father-daughter-brother-in-law talk.

Joey needs the talk.

So does Comet.

I think the two of you
should try putting yourselves

in the other person's
shoes... or paws.

[LAUGHS]

This is very simple.

Friends deserve a fair hearing.

And valuables should
always be kept out of reach.

So, Stephanie, next
time Comet has an idea,

you have to hear him out.

And, Jesse, if you just
leave your advertising

laying around the house,

there's a good chance
Joey's gonna chew it up.

You guys understand?

I'm sorry. I'm a
little confused.

This is my first double lecture.

Mr. Bear's all better.

Mr. Bear!

You're okay!

He was very brave.

This smile never left his face.

Deej, you saved his life.

You're the best big sister ever.

Hey, what about me?

You were a very good nurse.

I give myself a lollipop.

I'm gonna go find Comet
and tell him I forgive him.

Then I'm gonna teach
him the difference

between food and friends.

Come on, Michelle.
Let's go write up her bill.

See how nice that
worked out? Yeah.

Now, if we could only
stuff Joey, I'd be happy.

I can't believe that
he said I'm bossy.

Danny, am I...? Am I bossy?

Well, Jess, you do like
to get your own way.

What are you trying to say?

You're bossy. Get out.

I'm sorry. Don't...

I guess I am a little
bossy. I don't know.

All right. That's it.

From now on, I'm
not gonna be bossy.

Look at this. I'm
bossing myself around.

What do I do?

Jess, let me tell
you a little story

about a headstrong
young boy named Danny.

He was bright as a new penny.

I'll figure this
one out by myself.

Joey, can I, uh, see
you upstairs, please?

I didn't hear you knock.

You don't have a door.

Come upstairs, please.

Forget it, Jess.

I'm not comin' upstairs

just 'cause you asked
me to come upstairs.

All right, look, you.

I came upstairs to tell ya

that you can't tell
me to come upstairs.

Joey, I'm... I'm
sorry for being bossy,

and I want you to forgive me.

[LAUGHING] Oh.

Because you want
me to forgive you,

I should just forgive you, huh?

[LAUGHS] Well, dream on.

Your comedy angle
was a good idea.

Yeah, well, listen, sport,

it was a good idea
the first time I told you,

it was a good idea the
second time I told you,

and it's still a good idea,

even though you
think it's a good idea!

There, you happy
now? You got me yellin'!

I never yell, but
now that I'm yellin',

I'm startin' to like it!

Hi, Joey.

Stacey, what are you doin' here?

Well, Jesse called
me and apologized,

and he asked me to come
over and work things out.

He thinks we're
good for each other.

So do I.

Thanks, Jess.

Yeah, well, I didn't want
you guys to break up

just 'cause we had a problem.

Joey, I'm... I'm sorry for
not listening to your ideas.

I'm sorry for springing that
Guy LeDome bit on you.

Hey, they bought it.

You stuck to your
guns, and it paid off.

I gotta admit it felt great.

Yeah, well, you keep it up, man.

I want you to stand up
for what you believe in.

From now on, I'm gonna
start listening to you

and be more open to compromise.

See, that's why we
make a great team.

We bring out the
best in each other.

We do have a pretty
cool combo platter going,

don't we? [CHUCKLES]

[IMITATES SAMMY DAVIS,
JR.] Because you got that

comedy thing grooving, man.

[IMITATES SAMMY DAVIS, JR.]
Hey, my man, I dig that music vibe.

Well, let me tell you,

you are one fabulous cat,

and I ain't talkin'
about Garfield, babe.

Give me a high-five
with a low backside.

Comin' at ya. Right behind ya.

[LAUGHS]

[NORMAL] Joseph, go
give her a kiss right now.

[NORMAL] Jess, what
did we just talk about?

Don't tell me... Joey...

listen to him this time.

[CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

[IMITATES SAMMY DAVIS,
JR.] Aye, Chihuahua, babe.

Oh, yeah.

[♪♪♪]