Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Greatest Birthday on Earth - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Michelle, do you wanna
say hi to Grandma?

Okay.

Where is she?

Well, she's at home.

But we're gonna make her a tape.

Okay, gimme that.

Hi, Grandma. It's Michelle.

Do you remember me?

Now what?

Uh, why don't we
sing the spider song?



Ready?

BOTH: One, two, three, four.

♪ The itsy, bitsy spider
Went up the water spout ♪

♪ Down came the rain
And washed the spider out ♪

♪ Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain ♪

♪ And the itsy bitsy spider
Walked up the spout again ♪

Yay!

Yay.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪



♪ Ahhh-ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

Joseph, if we're gonna
come up with a good campaign

for this Captain Hook
peanut butter junk,

I'm afraid we're just gonna
have to break down and try it.

I was afraid of that.

Okay, let's take
a taste of this stuff

and say the first thing
that comes to mind. Ready?

[BOTH MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

[MUMBLING] Do I
have it in my teeth?

[LAUGHING]

Happy birthday to me!

No, Michelle. It's not your
birthday till you get down

to one last birthday cake.

Now take one away for today.

Good girl.

Now, how many
till your birthday?

One, two, three, four.

Too many.

Ah. Hang in there, kid.

It's not gonna be long
before you're how old?

Three years old.

Then you and your playgroup
friends get a big circus party.

Joseph, forget about this.

The circus is for kids.

I've got a better idea.

Excuse me.

Michelle, wouldn't you
rather have an Elvis party?

I've got an idea. Instead
of all those goofy hats,

your friends can wear
little, tiny sideburns.

[IMITATES ELVIS] What
do you say, little mama?

No thank you, big daddy.

[LAUGHING]

Jess... sorry.

What can you possibly
have against the circus?

Clowns. I hate 'em.

How can you hate clowns?

They bug me, man.

They think they're so funny.

C'mon, get in the spirit.

Danny and I are gonna
dress up like clowns.

You already are clowns.

JESSE: Look, Joseph,
I'm happy to do what I can.

I'll cook, I'll put
up decorations.

But if you want me to
dress up like a chuckle head,

I say take your rubber
nose and honk it.

Look. Happy birthday to me.

Michelle, did you pull off
all those birthday cakes?

Who, me?

[MOCKINGLY] Who, me? Who, me?

Comet, listen to this poem I
wrote about you for school.

My family has a new puppy

He's bigger than a guppy

My Dad puts down Paper for Comet

But he always
forgets To go on it

I decided what I'm gonna
be for Michelle's circus party.

I'm gonna be a lion-tamer.

Oh, yeah. Like Dad's really
gonna let a lion in the house.

I'm not gonna need a lion.

I'm gonna tame Comet.

Okay, Comet.

Try to look mean.

Try to look tough.

Try to look ferocious.

I'm gonna be a juggler!

Steph, do you know
anything about juggling?

Technically... no.

But how hard can it be?

All you do is throw
three balls up in the air

and keep 'em there.

So, Deej... need
a lovely assistant?

Finally. The last one.

Hey, Jess.

I got another hundred balloons.

Okay, would you rather be
Elvo, the lip-quivering clown?

I just got a second wind.

I got a great cake.

Did you get the triple chocolate
with pink frosting in the shape

of a clown's face with
a big cherry red nose?

Did ya? Did ya? Did ya?

Yes, Joey. Look at this.

Yes!

Hey, Joey, wanna
help me come blow up

some of these nifty balloons?

Would ya? Would ya? Would ya?

Jess, grow up.

Hey, can one of you guys follow
me to my mechanic tomorrow?

My car sounds like
Ed McMahon again.

[IMITATES ED McMAHON LAUGHING]

Danny, I'm insulted.

You have a car expert
right here. I'll take care of it.

Really? Thanks, Jess.

My pleasure.

Why pay a mechanic
when you can pay me?

I'm kidding, unless, of
course, you went for it.

Happy birthday to me!

ALL: Happy birthday, Michelle.

[HUMMING CIRCUS MELODY]

Do you know what happens today?

My circus party!

Aw, Michelle, your party's
not till this afternoon.

My birthday cake.

Okay, that's it.

She's gone birthday bananas.

Why don't we take the
little Conehead upstairs

while we get the big
top all set up, huh?

No, no. I got a better idea.

Michelle, let's go fix
Daddy's car, then after that,

we can go for a special
birthday drive, okay?

No way, José.

I almost got it.
This time for sure.

I hate gravity!

Steph, don't worry.

It's a party for
three-year-olds.

You'll be lucky if
they're looking at you.

Let's go take a
nice drive, okay?

It's gonna be so much fun.

But Michelle can't go because
she's not three years old yet.

I'm three years old.

Then you get to go!

Yay!

Yay!

Jess, are you
just being this nice

to get out of blowing
up more balloons?

Absolutely. Ciao, babe.

Joey!

Michelle did it first.

All done.

Danny, I love this circus decor.

We should have done
this to the house years ago.

You know, It's too bad
my station cancelled

Uncle Funsie's Big Top.

But it saved us a fortune
on party decorations.

[PHONE RINGS] I got it.

Hello?

Jesse, where are you?

Michelle's friends are
gonna be here any minute.

We're stuck out
here at a gas station.

They don't know what's
wrong with your car,

but they do know it's gonna
be very, very expensive.

Look, this had nothing to
do with me adjusting your idle.

Oh, why would I blame you?

Just because you were
the last one to touch my car,

and now it's dead.

Look, we'll be home just as
soon as Elmer revives your car.

And listen, don't
worry about this bill

because I've taken care of it.

I found your credit card
in your glove compartment.

Bye.

Hey, you're all set, bud.

Listen, I don't know who the
donkey brain was who fiddled

with your idle, but you
oughta get your money back.

I'll see what I can do.

Well, I'm going home and siesta.

All right. Well,
have a nice nap.

No, I'm going home
to see Esther, my wife.

[LAUGHS]

[FAKE LAUGHING]

Gets 'em every time.

I'm sure it does.

All right, anyone have
to go potty before we go?

I do. I do.

Good, 'cause I'm dying.

All right, boys on the left.

Girls on the right.

[SINGING INAUDIBLY]

[LOCK CLICKS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, great.

The birthday girl's
at a gas station,

and my house is about
to turn into Sesame Circus.

Should I answer the door?

If we're really quiet,
maybe they'll go away.

All right, hurry up.

It's time to go to
Michelle's circus party.

Time for presents.

You got it, babe.
We're out of here.

We're out of here.

Anyone have to potty again?

Uh-oh.

Why you said "uh-oh"?

'Cause if we can't
get out of here,

you're gonna miss your birthday.

No happy birthday to me?

♪ Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream ♪

Take it, boys!

Take it, girls!

♪ Merrily, merrily
Merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a... ♪

Nightmare.

Dad! Joey! I'm dying out here!

Why didn't we just go
to Chuck E. Cheese?

Come on, Danny, we
gotta start the circus.

Without Michelle?

We're gonna put on a
circus for the neighbors' kids?

Danny, It'll be lots of fun.

And when Michelle gets
back, we'll do it again for her.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, goody.

We've added a second show.

[KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]

I got it.

Hi. I hope this is
the birthday party.

It sure is. Come right in.

Hi, I'm Joey Gladstone.

I'm Karen Penner, Robert's aunt.

Have we met before?

No, I think I'd
remember that face.

[LAUGHING]

Hi, there. I'm Danny
Tanner. I'm a single parent,

and I love foreign films and
long walks along the beach.

[GIGGLES]

Well, nice to meet you both.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um... normally, Karen,
I'm a very snazzy dresser.

You see, Earth tones go well
with my big, brown, doe eyes.

You may have seen the
real me on my talk show,

Wake Up, San Francisco.

Oh! I love your show.

I have breakfast with
you every morning.

Really?

Well, then why don't you,
uh, stay for the circus?

Stay for the birthday cake.

Stay for... Are you married? No.

Stay for as long as you like.

The circus is
right through here.

Pardon my feet.

There you are.

Ooh!

Danny, what's with you?

I've never seen
you so aggressive.

I don't know what came over me.

I... I just got this
manly feeling.

Quite frankly... I liked it.

[RATTLING]

We're stuck in here.

There's bars on every window.

What, are they afraid
someone's gonna break in

and clean the joint up?

Where's my circus party?

Don't worry, Uncle Jesse is
coming up with a plan right now

to get us out of here.

Well...

Well, my plan is to wait
here till Goober lets us out.

I was wrong. There is no plan.

I want my circus party.

Aw, Michelle, I'm sorry.

I know it's your birthday, pal.

But I don't know what to do.

We're stuck in here.

I'll tell you what.

You want a circus party?

I'm gonna give you the
best darn circus party

in the history
of circus parties.

How's that sound?

Oh, boy!

You know what?

We're gonna have it
here in this gas station.

In this gas station?

Steph, trust me on this one.

This time I've got a real plan.

Come here. I'll
tell you about it.

And you, don't listen.

Ta-da!

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

presenting the greatest
show in this room,

the Tanner Family Circus!

[CHEERING]

Starring, me!

Tanner the Tamer!

[CHEERING]

Stand back, I'm about to
release Comet the Ferocious.

Hey, that's not a lion!

That's what the last kid said
just before Comet ate him.

Now, watch as this vicious
creature obeys my every command.

Come on, Comet, come on.

Come on, honey,
jump through the hoop.

Come on!

Ta-da!

[CHEERING]

Now, get ready to laugh your
heads off. Send in the clowns!

♪ Make 'em laugh Make
'em laugh, make 'em laugh ♪

[BOTH HUMMING]

Look!

Hi, boys and girls.
I'm Jo-Jo the clown.

And this is my
sidekick, Clean-o.

Hi, kids!

Remember, a clean
circus is a fun circus.

Oh, but the best
circus is a messy circus.

[LAUGHING]

Okay, Jo-Jo, you
made your point.

Oh, I'm gonna
get you now, Jo-Jo.

Here I go.

Whoa!

What are you kids
laughing at, huh?

DANNY: Okay, kids, [SQUEAK]

Now it's time for some
good, clean fun with balloons.

Hey, pretty lady, here you go.

I give you my heart.

Why, thank you, Clean-o.

But isn't this party
supposed to be for the kids?

What kids? [LAUGHS]

Oh, the kids. Ho-ho!

Why don't we let
Jo-Jo entertain the kids?

Oh, guess what, kids.

Clean-o is on the make.

No, Clean-o was just having
a little, good, old, clean fun.

Like this.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

And this.

Oh... Oh, my! Oh!

Oooh!

Oh!

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Oh, I'm having a
party in my pants.

The party's just begun.

Ah!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

BOTH: Oooh!

I thought I knew all
of Michelle's friends.

Joey, what is an elephant
doing at my front door?

Surprise, Clean-o!

Oh! The surprise is on Jo-Jo!

She got my underwear!

Oh, I've only got one pair!

[GIGGLING]

JESSE: Welcome to Michelle's
Big Top Circus of Love!

[HUMMING CIRCUS MELODY]

BOTH: Ta-da!

Yay!

Hi! I'm Greasy the clown.

And I'm Stephabell
the other clown.

And we're here to say...

BOTH: Happy birthday, Michelle!

Thank you very much.

And now, let the circus begin!

And now, Greasy walks
the tight rope without a net.

Hold on to your hat.

[SQUEAKING AND HUMMING]

Whoa!

MICHELLE: Yay!

Ba-da-bing!

Now what?

Now it's time for Michelle's
Big Top to present

Greasy and Stephabell's
fun filled extravaganza

of puppet love.

Hey, Sock-o, how are
you on this beautiful day?

Not so good, Toesy.

I'm locked in a gas
station, thanks to my uncle!

I hardly think placing the
blame on the nice uncle

is going to help the situation.

Well, you did ask
how my day was.

Yes, I realize that.

But it's not the uncle's fault.

It is! It isn't!

It is! It isn't!

Whoop!

Help! I'm naked!

I'm naked!

That's funny.

And now Greasy and
Stephanie proudly present

the big finale...

their tribute to
"Up with Juggling."

[HUMMING CIRCUS MELODY]

[GIGGLING]

C'mon, Steph.

I can't do it.

[WHISPERING] Steph,
come on, it's for Michelle.

Try it for Michelle.

Okay. Okay.

Woo! You did it,
Steph! All right!

Ba-da-bing! Ba-da-bing!

How do you do that?

I have no idea.

And now...

STEPH & JESSE: ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday Dear Michelle ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Blow 'em out.

All right! Woo!

Yay!

What the H-E-double-hockey-
sticks is going on in here?

Elmer! Don't you check

the bathroom before you lock up?

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?

You're the one that's
wearing a funnel on his head.

Ow.

[SIGHS]

Hi.

Aw, come here, Michelle.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Steph.

Jess, I have one
word for you. How?

Danny, I told you on the
phone it wasn't my fault.

Oh, sure, you read
about it everyday.

"Family trapped in gas
station. Child's birthday ruined."

Well, look, I'm sorry,
but what happened...

How could you let this happen?

We just put on a three-hour
circus for the neighbors' kids.

Michelle, Honey, I know you
were looking forward to a big party

with all your friends,
but we can still have fun.

Daddy, I saw clowns.

Yes, honey, I know
you saw clowns.

Daddy's dressed up like a clown.

Uncle Jesse was a clown.

Uncle Jesse was a clown?

Uncle Jesse hates clowns.

More than ever.

But he was a great clown.

He made a whole
circus at the gas station.

With a tightrope
walker, a puppet show,

and two jugglers,
thank you very much.

Jesse, you really put
on a circus for Michelle?

Hey, it was my
niece's third birthday.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Shame on me.

There's nothing lower
than a cranky clown.

You were a great uncle today.

Heck, you're a great
uncle every day.

Thanks, buddy.

Whoa-ho-ho!

This is a Bozo no-no.

Oh, Michelle, you're back.

We saved you a special
surprise from your party.

C'mon, it's in the backyard.

Come on! Let's go see it!

DANNY: Special surprise!

What do you think it is?

Uncle Jesse, how'd you
get locked in a gas station?

D.J., someday,
when you're older,

and you get locked
in a gas station,

you'll understand.

JESSE: Oh!

STEPH: Wow!

Happy birthday, Michelle.

Bimbo.

No, Michelle, that's Dumbo.

Big present.

Well, it's not to keep
honey, it's just to ride.

And here we go!

Hey! Hold on.

Whoa, baby!

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday Dear Michelle ♪

Whoa!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

[♪♪♪]