Full House (1987–1995): Season 2, Episode 15 - Pal Joey - full transcript
Joey and Danny recall the day they first met.
YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO LEARN
WHO'S CUTE AND WHO'S NOT.
THIS IS GEORGE MICHAEL.
CUTE.
HE WAS CUTE WITH WHAM.
HE'S GRADUATED TO RAD.
RAD.
NOW, THIS IS MICHAEL J. FOX.
THE BAD NEWS... HE'S MARRIED.
THE GOOD NEWS... HE'S OUR SIZE.
NOW, OUT OF ALL THESE PICTURES,
PICK THE CUTEST GUY.
BIG BIRD.
BIG BIRD?
NO ONE EVEN KNOWS IF HE'S A GUY.
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO PREDICTABILITY ♪
♪ THE MILKMAN, THE
PAPER BOY, EVENING TV ♪
♪ HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE ♪
♪ THIS OLD WORLD'S
CONFUSIN' ME ♪
♪ CLOUDS AS MEAN
AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ THERE AIN'T A BIRD
WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE ♪
♪ THEN A LITTLE VOICE
INSIDE YOU WHISPERS ♪
♪ KID, DON'T SELL YOUR
DREAMS SO SOON ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A HEART,
THERE'S A HEART ♪
♪ A HAND TO HOLD ONTO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A FACE ♪
♪ OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ A LIGHT IS WAITIN'
TO CARRY YOU HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ DOOBIE DOO BAH BAH DAH ♪♪
GOOD WORK. I'M PROUD OF YOU.
NOW...
HONEY, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU
THE TANNER FAMILY MOTTO.
CLEAN IS GOOD, AND DIRT IS BAD.
DIRT BAD.
THE FUTURE IS IN GOOD HANDS.
[LAUGHING]
STOP!
I JUST FINISHED THE FLOORS.
IF YOU HANG A VINE HERE,
WE'LL SWING IN LIKE TARZAN.
[TARZAN YELL]
WE'RE TRAPPED.
NO. NO, WE'RE NOT.
OBSERVE, JOSEPH.
DON'T GET ANY DIRT
ON THE PAPER TOWELS.
DIRT ON THE PAPER TOWELS.
DIRT ON THE PAPER TOWELS.
LOOK AT THOSE
NUTTY GUYS, MICHELLE.
IF NOT FOR ME, THEY'D
NEVER HAVE MET.
NOW THEY'RE INSEPARABLE.
ISN'T LIFE IRONIC?
YUP.
DAD, WE'RE HOME!
STOP!
DIRT BAD.
OH, NO. DAD TAUGHT MICHELLE
THE TANNER FAMILY MOTTO.
I'M WORKING ON A NEW MOTTO.
DON'T RIDICULE DAD UNTIL YOU
CAN AFFORD YOUR OWN APARTMENT.
OK. HERE WE GO, MICHELLE.
GOOD GIRL.
OK.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
HARRY, LET'S DO
OUR MATH HOMEWORK.
FORGET IT. I CAN'T
LEARN SUBTRACTION.
I'M GOING TO QUIT SCHOOL
AND JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS.
I DON'T WANT MY BOYFRIEND
TO BE A FIRST-GRADE DROPOUT.
HOW EMBARRASSING.
OK, LOOK.
IF YOU HAVE FOUR ORANGES,
AND YOU TAKE AWAY TWO,
HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
TWO.
THAT'S SUBTRACTION.
VERY GOOD, HARRY.
THANKS. YOU'RE THE
SMARTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
OH, YEAH. 4 MINUS
2. REAL GENIUS.
D.J., CAN YOU TELL ME
WHERE BABIES COME FROM?
HARRY, STICK TO FRUIT.
JESSE OUR FIRST COFFEE
IN OUR NEW OFFICE.
JOSEPH, HERE'S TO DOUBLE
"J" CREATIVE SERVICES.
WE GOT TO REMEMBER
TO PLUG THAT COFFEE MACHINE IN.
NOW THAT WE'RE USING
YOUR ROOM AS OUR OFFICE,
WE'LL HAVE TO DO A
LITTLE REDECORATION.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
YOU GOT HOCKEY DUMMIES,
PUPPETS NAILED TO THE WALL.
YOU GOT MR. POTATOHEAD HERE.
THE ROOM IS FUN.
JOEY, IT'S NOT FUN.
IT'S LIKE WORKING IN
PEEWEE'S PLAYHOUSE.
RIGHT, BOYS AND GIRLS,
AND TODAY'S SECRET
WORD IS "OFFICE."
JOEY, I'M SERI...
I'M SERIOUS.
I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?
HA HA!
ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT.
I GIVE UP WITH YOU.
I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH YOUR OFFICE.
OFFICE?
AAH! AAH!
JOSEPH, YOU ARE A KNUCKLEHEAD.
OH, COME ON NOW. CUT IT OUT.
JOEY, IT'S JESSE'S
TURN TO BABY-SIT.
HOW ABOUT CHINESE
FOOD AND A MOVIE?
LET'S GET PIZZA FIRST
AND PLAY SOME POOL.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO.
HI, MAN.
HOLD ON.
JESSE.
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE
FOUND A SECRETARY.
THANK YOU, MICHELLE.
HELLO, DOUBLE "J" CREATIVE
SERVICES. "J" SPEAKING.
THE BOSS.
YES, SIR. WHAT'S
UP, MR. MALATESTA?
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
WHAT'S WRONG?
WE GOT A MAJOR CRISIS
WITH THE CHIPPY
CHUNK-NUT COOKIE ACCOUNT.
THEY FOUND MORE CHUNK-NUTS THAN
CHIPPYS IN THE CHEWY CHOCOLATES,
SO THEY'RE BEING CALLED
NUTTY CHEWY CHUNK CHIPS.
HOW CAN THEY DO THAT?
HOW CAN THEY SAY THAT?
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
THANK YOU, SIR.
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
GOING TO WORK TONIGHT.
SORRY, DANNY.
ME, TOO.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS FOR 30 SECONDS.
WHY NOT HANG OUT TOMORROW?
TOMORROW I'M GOING OVER
NEXT WEEK'S SHOWS WITH REBECCA.
HEY, I'LL ASK HER TO
MOVE IT TO SUNDAY.
LET'S GO SHOOT HOOPS,
LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
SOUNDS GREAT. SAME STAKES?
YEP. LOSER DOES THE
OTHER GUY'S HOMEWORK.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.
WE HAVE A SECRETARY, REMEMBER?
HI, MAN.
BYE, MAN.
THAT'S IT, YOUNG
LADY. YOU'RE FIRED.
PACK UP, AND LEAVE OUR OFFICE.
OFFICE!
AAH! AAH!
AAH!
AAH!
AAH!
MAIL CALL.
ANYTHING FOR ME?
LET'S SEE. RESIDENT,
THAT'S FOR YOU.
OCCUPANT, THAT'S FOR YOU.
DETERGENT SAMPLE...
THAT'S FOR DAD. THAT'S FOR DAD.
HI, LADIES.
HI, HARRY.
OH, HARRY.
AN I-LOVE-YOU LOLLIPOP.
YOU ARE SO SWEET.
THANK YOU. IT'S FOR D.J.
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH D.J.?
HARRY TAKAYAMA,
HOW CAN THIS BE TRUE?
SORRY, CHIEF, BUT
EVER SINCE YESTERDAY,
ALL I WANT TO DO IS SUBTRACT.
HERE.
WANT TO HAVE LUNCH TOMORROW?
THANKS FOR ASKING,
HARRY, BUT LUCKY FOR ME,
I'M HAVING LUNCH
WITH KIMMY TOMORROW.
NO PROBLEM. I'LL BRING A FRIEND.
WE'LL DOUBLE.
SEE YA, HONEY.
OH, HAROLD, HONEY... HAROLD?
BYE, CHIEF.
DON'T CALL ME CHIEF.
YOU RAT!
YOU SKUNK!
YOU SKUNKY RAT!
YOU STOLE MY MAN.
MAN? I HAVE KEN
DOLLS BIGGER THAN HIM.
[WHISTLING SWEET GEORGIA BROWN]
COME ON.
GUMBY DOESN'T STRETCH
AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
PROPER WARMUP PREVENTS INJURY.
OK, I'M READY.
LET'S GO.
PLAY BALL.
ALL RIGHT.
LOOK. THE GIRLS'
LOCKER ROOM'S OPEN.
I STILL FALL FOR THAT
'CAUSE ONCE IT REALLY WAS OPEN.
OK. YOUR BALL OUT.
OK.
LOOK. A GLACIER
PASSED BY THE WINDOW.
COME ON, COME ON.
ISN'T THIS GREAT?
JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
I'M STILL TALLER THAN YOU.
REMEMBER OUR LAST
GAME? JULY 29, 1972.
IT WAS RAINING.
YOU GOT MAD 'CAUSE I
FOULED YOU WITH MY UMBRELLA.
JOSEPH.
HEY, JESS. WHAT'S UP?
WE'RE PLAYING A GAME.
TRAVELING. MY BALL.
WE SAVED THE COOKIE ACCOUNT.
THAT IS GREAT.
MOM'S WATCHING THE GIRLS.
I'M GOING OVER TO HIPPO'S.
WE'RE CELEBRATING
TURNING CHIPPY CHUNK NUTS
INTO NUTTY CHEWY CHUNK CHIPS.
HEY, I'M YOUR PARTNER.
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
BYE, DANNY.
UH, JESS...
I PROMISED DANNY I'D
PLAY A BASKETBALL GAME.
DON'T LET ME RUIN YOUR FUN.
GO. PARTY WITH STRANGERS.
HOLD ON, JESS.
DANNY, WE'LL PLAY SUDDEN DEATH.
NEXT BASKET WINS.
THANKS FOR SQUEEZING ME IN, PAL.
I'LL WAIT.
ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.
FOUL. I GOT WRISTING.
WRISTING? WHAT
THE HECK IS WRISTING?
YOU HIT MY WRIST.
GOT A BETTER NAME?
I HIT ALL BALL.
JESSE, DID I WRIST HIM?
YOU DID HIT HIS WRIST.
IF THERE IS SUCH A
THING, YOU WRISTED HIM.
FINE TAKE HIS SIDE.
WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
THANKS FOR THE GAME.
REAL QUALITY TIME.
DANNY, WE'LL PLAY LATER.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN,
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE FRIENDS.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A KID.
I AM NOT. GIVE ME BACK MY BALL.
HI, D.J.
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN HERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
HERE'S THE REST OF YOUR STUFF.
THANKS FOR SWITCHING
ROOMS WITH ME.
I'M NOT ROOMING
WITH A 2-YEAR-OLD.
THERE'S NO WAY I'LL ROOM
WITH A NO-GOOD,
SKUNKY, RATTY, ROTTEN
LAME-OID BOYFRIEND STEALER.
WOULD YOU GET OFF THIS?
HARRY'S A FIRST GRADE KID
WITH A CRUSH ON AN
ATTRACTIVE OLDER WOMAN.
WATCH OUT, MICHELLE.
SHE'S YOUR BEST BUDDY
UNTIL YOU'VE GOT
SOMETHING SHE WANTS.
AND THEN, NOTHING IS SAFE.
MICHELLE, DON'T BELIEVE HER.
YOU CAN TRUST ME.
MY BUNNY.
IT HAD TO HAPPEN.
THE VACUUM CLEANER
FINALLY TURNED ON HIM.
WHY DID YOU WALK
OFF THE COURT TODAY?
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
DON'T GIVE ME THE
VACUUM TREATMENT.
HEY! NEVER PULL MY
PLUG WHEN I'M CLEANING.
NEVER POINT AT ME UNLESS
I HAVE FOOD ON MY FACE.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
FRED. ETHEL.
WILL YOU GUYS LET
A BASKETBALL GAME
DESTROY A 20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP?
WE ONLY BECAME FRIENDS
AFTER I SAVED HIS BUTT ONE DAY.
YOU GOT THAT BACKWARDS, JACK.
I SAVED YOUR BUTT.
EXCUSE ME, BUT IF MY
MEMORY SERVES ME,
IT HAPPENED EXACTLY LIKE THIS.
WE WERE IN THE FIFTH GRADE.
WE'D JUST FINISHED LUNCH.
IT WAS MACARONI AND
CHEESE AND JELL-O CUBES.
WAIT, I TRADED THE
JELL-O FOR SUCCOTASH.
I HATE JELL-O CUBES.
JUST TELL THE STORY.
OK, THE YEAR WAS 1968.
I WAS SITTING IN
FRONT OF THE SCHOOL...
MAKING A BAD START
AT YOUR NEW SCHOOL, JOSEPH.
CLOWNS BELONG IN THE CIRCUS,
NOT IN THE SCHOOLYARD.
UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SUSPENDED,
SIT RIGHT HERE AND
DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE.
HOW'S THAT NOSEBLEED, DANIEL?
CLOTTING NICELY.
THANK YOU, MISS BORLAND.
WHO WANTS A KISS?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DOOFY DANNY GOT A BOO-BOO?
YOU HIT ME WHEN
I WASN'T LOOKING.
YOU'RE LOOKING NOW.
MADE YOU FLINCH.
HEY, I LIKE YOUR HAIR.
THANKS.
WHO CUTS IT, ROTO-ROOTER?
OH, YEAH?
GOOD COMEBACK.
IS THAT YOUR HEAD,
OR DID YOUR NECK BLOW A BUBBLE?
THANK YOU, THANK
YOU. CUT IT OUT.
WHERE DID YOU GET
ALL THOSE GREAT JOKES?
THIS BOOK.
A THOUSAND AND ONE INSULTS.
PRETTY GROOVY, HUH?
HEY! ONE AT A TIME!
THERE'S THE KID WHO
WAS PICKING ON ME.
I'M CALLING YOUR PARENTS.
WAIT, MISS BORLAND.
THAT BOY'S LYING. JOSEPH
HAS BEEN A PERFECT ANGEL.
TANNER'S THE LIAR.
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
DANIEL TANNER'S NEVER
BEEN IN TROUBLE IN HIS LIFE.
LET'S YOU AND I VISIT
THE PRINCIPAL, SHELDON.
SHELDON?
THANKS. YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
YOU SAVED ME FIRST.
WE SAVED EACH OTHER.
THAT MEANS WE'RE SOUL BROTHERS.
TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL,
WE'LL EACH BURY
SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO US.
BURY SOMETHING?
WON'T WE GET DIRTY?
IT'S OK. I'LL BE CAREFUL.
LET'S DO THE SOUL SHAKE.
UNTIL YOU LEARN TO
STOP CHASING THE GIRLS,
JESSE KATSOPOLIS...
YOU'RE GOING TO SIT
RIGHT HERE WITH ME.
HAVE MERCY!
I REMEMBER THAT TEACHER.
I USED TO HAVE FANTASIES
ABOUT MISS BORLAND
DANCING ON LAUGH-IN
WITH "SOCK IT TO ME"
PAINTED ON HER TUMMY.
SORRY.
ANYWAY, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
YOU WERE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.
WERE THERE.
I SHOULD HAVE LET
SHELDON CREAM YOU.
DON'T YOU REALIZE
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?
I WISH I HAD ONE GOOD FRIEND
ALL THESE YEARS.
YOU BURIED SOMETHING.
YOU'RE SOUL BROTHERS.
ALL IN THE PAST.
I'M DIGGING UP THAT BOX.
I DON'T WANT MY STUFF
RESTING WITH YOURS.
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
I WANT MY STUFF, TOO,
AND I FORGOT WHERE IT'S BURIED.
THAT SAYS IT ALL.
MISS BORLAND.
I WONDER IF I STILL
HAVE HER NUMBER.
YOU CAN'T LIVE HERE.
GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM.
NO, THIS IS MY ROOM.
YOU LIVE WITH D.J.
MICHELLE, DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
WHAT A DAY.
HI, STEPH.
HI, HONEY.
YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HERE.
HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.
I ONLY TAUGHT HIM
HOW TO SUBTRACT.
YOU HYPNOTIZED HIM WITH
ORANGES INTO A LOVE TRANCE.
ENOUGH OF THIS.
EVERYBODY INTO MY ROOM.
WE'LL PLAY JUNIOR
LOVE CONNECTION.
I'D RATHER PLAY DIVORCE COURT.
LET'S GO.
MICHELLE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DON'T READ MY MAIL.
THAT'S PERSONAL.
WHAT AM I SAYING?
OK, COME ON, NOW.
GO TO YOUR OWN ROOM.
WHAT ROOM?
WHOOF. FIRST SHE READS MY MAIL,
THEN SHE GIVES ME LIP.
COME ON, GET OUT.
OK. D.J., HARRY, COME HERE.
AS NICELY AS YOU CAN,
TELL HARRY HOW YOU
REALLY FEEL ABOUT HIM.
YOU DON'T HAVE A PRAYER.
NICER, HUH?
LOOK, HARRY, DON'T
BLOW A GOOD THING.
YOU ALREADY HAVE A
GREAT GIRL RIGHT HERE...
STEPHANIE TANNER.
SORRY, CHIEF. FORGIVE ME?
IN YOUR DREAMS.
WHAT HARRY IS TRYING TO SAY IS,
"I'VE MADE A BIG MISTAKE,
"THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.
"COME ON, CHIEF, DON'T
FORGET THE GOOD OLD DAYS...
"KINDERGARTEN...
"PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU,
TAKE ME BACK. TAKE ME BACK."
"OH, HARRY, I FORGIVE YOU."
"OH, I'M SO HAPPY!
SHAKE."
THERE YOU GO.
OK, YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN.
GREAT!
OW. WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
YOU'RE IT!
OOH.
LOVE IS WEIRD.
TRUST ME, BABE. IT
GETS A LOT WEIRDER.
DANNY, YOU DIG SLOWER
THAN YOU PLAY BASKETBALL.
THERE GOES THAT GLACIER AGAIN.
YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER?
HERE, YOU DIG.
OK.
[CLUNK]
I HIT SOMETHING.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
WOW.
THIS IS IT!
OH, MAN!
THAT'S MY OLD GIANTS CAP.
MY VERY FIRST INSULT BOOK.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S THE PLEDGE.
I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THIS.
"THIS IS TO PROVE THAT
ON FEBRUARY 23, 1968,
"WE PLEDGE ON OUR
MOST SACRED POSSESSIONS
"TO BE SOUL BROTHERS FOR LIFE,
"EVEN IF ONE GUY
MOVES REAL FAR AWAY.
"RIGHT ON. GET DOWN. STAY FUNKY.
"SIGNED... DANIEL ERNEST TANNER
AND JOSEPH ALVIN GLADSTONE."
WE HAVE HORRIBLE MIDDLE NAMES.
THE WORST.
BUT WE KEPT THIS
PLEDGE, DIDN'T WE?
IT'S AMAZING.
WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP...
MAN, WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
WE'RE STILL DOING
EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
YEAH, BUT...
JOEY... IT'S NOT THE SAME.
I FEEL REALLY STUPID
SAYING THIS, BUT, UM...
EVER SINCE YOU AND JESSE
BECAME GOOD BUDDIES,
AND NOW YOU'RE PARTNERS...
I DON'T KNOW, I FEEL...
LEFT OUT.
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME?
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO
GET THE WRONG IDEA.
I'M GLAD YOU TWO ARE FRIENDS.
I JUST MISS OUR OLD FRIENDSHIP.
I LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'M HELPING RAISE YOUR GIRLS.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AND ALWAYS
WILL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.
SAYS SO IN THE PLEDGE.
I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE A JERK.
NO. YES, YOU HAVE.
BUT YOU HAD A GOOD REASON.
I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN TAKING
OUR FRIENDSHIP FOR GRANTED.
JUST REMEMBER... NO
MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
WE'RE ALWAYS THERE
FOR EACH OTHER.
LET'S BURY THIS AGAIN,
COME BACK WHEN
WE'RE OLD, AND DIG IT UP.
BY THEN I'LL BE SO SHRIVELED UP
THIS CAP MIGHT FIT ME.
OK. HERE'S MY CAP.
MY BOOK.
THE PLEDGE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
SOMETHING'S MISSING HERE.
I HAD TO STASH THE GIRLS
AND RUSH DOWN HERE
WITH MY BLOW DRYER?
SORRY. WE NEEDED YOUR
MOST PRIZED POSSESSION.
SIGN HERE.
"THIS IS TO PROVE
"THAT DANNY T.,
JOEY G., AND JESSE K.
"ARE OFFICIAL SOUL BROTHERS,
PALS, AND BEST FRIENDS FOREVER."
YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
THIS IS YOUR THING.
NOW IT'S OUR THING.
WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
THANK YOU, GUYS. I'M TOUCHED.
BUT MY BLOW DRYER?
ALL RIGHT.
IF MY HAIR LOOKS
HORRIBLE TOMORROW,
I'M DIGGING THAT UP.
NOW WE DO THE OFFICIAL
SOUL BROTHER HANDSHAKE.
ISN'T THIS A LITTLE SILLY?
WE COULD ALL HUG.
LET'S DO THE SHAKE.
OK, WATCH.
GOES LIKE THIS.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
WHO'S CUTE AND WHO'S NOT.
THIS IS GEORGE MICHAEL.
CUTE.
HE WAS CUTE WITH WHAM.
HE'S GRADUATED TO RAD.
RAD.
NOW, THIS IS MICHAEL J. FOX.
THE BAD NEWS... HE'S MARRIED.
THE GOOD NEWS... HE'S OUR SIZE.
NOW, OUT OF ALL THESE PICTURES,
PICK THE CUTEST GUY.
BIG BIRD.
BIG BIRD?
NO ONE EVEN KNOWS IF HE'S A GUY.
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO PREDICTABILITY ♪
♪ THE MILKMAN, THE
PAPER BOY, EVENING TV ♪
♪ HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE ♪
♪ THIS OLD WORLD'S
CONFUSIN' ME ♪
♪ CLOUDS AS MEAN
AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ THERE AIN'T A BIRD
WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE ♪
♪ THEN A LITTLE VOICE
INSIDE YOU WHISPERS ♪
♪ KID, DON'T SELL YOUR
DREAMS SO SOON ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A HEART,
THERE'S A HEART ♪
♪ A HAND TO HOLD ONTO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A FACE ♪
♪ OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ A LIGHT IS WAITIN'
TO CARRY YOU HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ DOOBIE DOO BAH BAH DAH ♪♪
GOOD WORK. I'M PROUD OF YOU.
NOW...
HONEY, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU
THE TANNER FAMILY MOTTO.
CLEAN IS GOOD, AND DIRT IS BAD.
DIRT BAD.
THE FUTURE IS IN GOOD HANDS.
[LAUGHING]
STOP!
I JUST FINISHED THE FLOORS.
IF YOU HANG A VINE HERE,
WE'LL SWING IN LIKE TARZAN.
[TARZAN YELL]
WE'RE TRAPPED.
NO. NO, WE'RE NOT.
OBSERVE, JOSEPH.
DON'T GET ANY DIRT
ON THE PAPER TOWELS.
DIRT ON THE PAPER TOWELS.
DIRT ON THE PAPER TOWELS.
LOOK AT THOSE
NUTTY GUYS, MICHELLE.
IF NOT FOR ME, THEY'D
NEVER HAVE MET.
NOW THEY'RE INSEPARABLE.
ISN'T LIFE IRONIC?
YUP.
DAD, WE'RE HOME!
STOP!
DIRT BAD.
OH, NO. DAD TAUGHT MICHELLE
THE TANNER FAMILY MOTTO.
I'M WORKING ON A NEW MOTTO.
DON'T RIDICULE DAD UNTIL YOU
CAN AFFORD YOUR OWN APARTMENT.
OK. HERE WE GO, MICHELLE.
GOOD GIRL.
OK.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
HARRY, LET'S DO
OUR MATH HOMEWORK.
FORGET IT. I CAN'T
LEARN SUBTRACTION.
I'M GOING TO QUIT SCHOOL
AND JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS.
I DON'T WANT MY BOYFRIEND
TO BE A FIRST-GRADE DROPOUT.
HOW EMBARRASSING.
OK, LOOK.
IF YOU HAVE FOUR ORANGES,
AND YOU TAKE AWAY TWO,
HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
TWO.
THAT'S SUBTRACTION.
VERY GOOD, HARRY.
THANKS. YOU'RE THE
SMARTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
OH, YEAH. 4 MINUS
2. REAL GENIUS.
D.J., CAN YOU TELL ME
WHERE BABIES COME FROM?
HARRY, STICK TO FRUIT.
JESSE OUR FIRST COFFEE
IN OUR NEW OFFICE.
JOSEPH, HERE'S TO DOUBLE
"J" CREATIVE SERVICES.
WE GOT TO REMEMBER
TO PLUG THAT COFFEE MACHINE IN.
NOW THAT WE'RE USING
YOUR ROOM AS OUR OFFICE,
WE'LL HAVE TO DO A
LITTLE REDECORATION.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
YOU GOT HOCKEY DUMMIES,
PUPPETS NAILED TO THE WALL.
YOU GOT MR. POTATOHEAD HERE.
THE ROOM IS FUN.
JOEY, IT'S NOT FUN.
IT'S LIKE WORKING IN
PEEWEE'S PLAYHOUSE.
RIGHT, BOYS AND GIRLS,
AND TODAY'S SECRET
WORD IS "OFFICE."
JOEY, I'M SERI...
I'M SERIOUS.
I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?
HA HA!
ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT.
I GIVE UP WITH YOU.
I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH YOUR OFFICE.
OFFICE?
AAH! AAH!
JOSEPH, YOU ARE A KNUCKLEHEAD.
OH, COME ON NOW. CUT IT OUT.
JOEY, IT'S JESSE'S
TURN TO BABY-SIT.
HOW ABOUT CHINESE
FOOD AND A MOVIE?
LET'S GET PIZZA FIRST
AND PLAY SOME POOL.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO.
HI, MAN.
HOLD ON.
JESSE.
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE
FOUND A SECRETARY.
THANK YOU, MICHELLE.
HELLO, DOUBLE "J" CREATIVE
SERVICES. "J" SPEAKING.
THE BOSS.
YES, SIR. WHAT'S
UP, MR. MALATESTA?
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
WHAT'S WRONG?
WE GOT A MAJOR CRISIS
WITH THE CHIPPY
CHUNK-NUT COOKIE ACCOUNT.
THEY FOUND MORE CHUNK-NUTS THAN
CHIPPYS IN THE CHEWY CHOCOLATES,
SO THEY'RE BEING CALLED
NUTTY CHEWY CHUNK CHIPS.
HOW CAN THEY DO THAT?
HOW CAN THEY SAY THAT?
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
THANK YOU, SIR.
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
GOING TO WORK TONIGHT.
SORRY, DANNY.
ME, TOO.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS FOR 30 SECONDS.
WHY NOT HANG OUT TOMORROW?
TOMORROW I'M GOING OVER
NEXT WEEK'S SHOWS WITH REBECCA.
HEY, I'LL ASK HER TO
MOVE IT TO SUNDAY.
LET'S GO SHOOT HOOPS,
LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
SOUNDS GREAT. SAME STAKES?
YEP. LOSER DOES THE
OTHER GUY'S HOMEWORK.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.
WE HAVE A SECRETARY, REMEMBER?
HI, MAN.
BYE, MAN.
THAT'S IT, YOUNG
LADY. YOU'RE FIRED.
PACK UP, AND LEAVE OUR OFFICE.
OFFICE!
AAH! AAH!
AAH!
AAH!
AAH!
MAIL CALL.
ANYTHING FOR ME?
LET'S SEE. RESIDENT,
THAT'S FOR YOU.
OCCUPANT, THAT'S FOR YOU.
DETERGENT SAMPLE...
THAT'S FOR DAD. THAT'S FOR DAD.
HI, LADIES.
HI, HARRY.
OH, HARRY.
AN I-LOVE-YOU LOLLIPOP.
YOU ARE SO SWEET.
THANK YOU. IT'S FOR D.J.
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH D.J.?
HARRY TAKAYAMA,
HOW CAN THIS BE TRUE?
SORRY, CHIEF, BUT
EVER SINCE YESTERDAY,
ALL I WANT TO DO IS SUBTRACT.
HERE.
WANT TO HAVE LUNCH TOMORROW?
THANKS FOR ASKING,
HARRY, BUT LUCKY FOR ME,
I'M HAVING LUNCH
WITH KIMMY TOMORROW.
NO PROBLEM. I'LL BRING A FRIEND.
WE'LL DOUBLE.
SEE YA, HONEY.
OH, HAROLD, HONEY... HAROLD?
BYE, CHIEF.
DON'T CALL ME CHIEF.
YOU RAT!
YOU SKUNK!
YOU SKUNKY RAT!
YOU STOLE MY MAN.
MAN? I HAVE KEN
DOLLS BIGGER THAN HIM.
[WHISTLING SWEET GEORGIA BROWN]
COME ON.
GUMBY DOESN'T STRETCH
AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
PROPER WARMUP PREVENTS INJURY.
OK, I'M READY.
LET'S GO.
PLAY BALL.
ALL RIGHT.
LOOK. THE GIRLS'
LOCKER ROOM'S OPEN.
I STILL FALL FOR THAT
'CAUSE ONCE IT REALLY WAS OPEN.
OK. YOUR BALL OUT.
OK.
LOOK. A GLACIER
PASSED BY THE WINDOW.
COME ON, COME ON.
ISN'T THIS GREAT?
JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
I'M STILL TALLER THAN YOU.
REMEMBER OUR LAST
GAME? JULY 29, 1972.
IT WAS RAINING.
YOU GOT MAD 'CAUSE I
FOULED YOU WITH MY UMBRELLA.
JOSEPH.
HEY, JESS. WHAT'S UP?
WE'RE PLAYING A GAME.
TRAVELING. MY BALL.
WE SAVED THE COOKIE ACCOUNT.
THAT IS GREAT.
MOM'S WATCHING THE GIRLS.
I'M GOING OVER TO HIPPO'S.
WE'RE CELEBRATING
TURNING CHIPPY CHUNK NUTS
INTO NUTTY CHEWY CHUNK CHIPS.
HEY, I'M YOUR PARTNER.
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
BYE, DANNY.
UH, JESS...
I PROMISED DANNY I'D
PLAY A BASKETBALL GAME.
DON'T LET ME RUIN YOUR FUN.
GO. PARTY WITH STRANGERS.
HOLD ON, JESS.
DANNY, WE'LL PLAY SUDDEN DEATH.
NEXT BASKET WINS.
THANKS FOR SQUEEZING ME IN, PAL.
I'LL WAIT.
ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.
FOUL. I GOT WRISTING.
WRISTING? WHAT
THE HECK IS WRISTING?
YOU HIT MY WRIST.
GOT A BETTER NAME?
I HIT ALL BALL.
JESSE, DID I WRIST HIM?
YOU DID HIT HIS WRIST.
IF THERE IS SUCH A
THING, YOU WRISTED HIM.
FINE TAKE HIS SIDE.
WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
THANKS FOR THE GAME.
REAL QUALITY TIME.
DANNY, WE'LL PLAY LATER.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN,
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE FRIENDS.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A KID.
I AM NOT. GIVE ME BACK MY BALL.
HI, D.J.
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN HERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
HERE'S THE REST OF YOUR STUFF.
THANKS FOR SWITCHING
ROOMS WITH ME.
I'M NOT ROOMING
WITH A 2-YEAR-OLD.
THERE'S NO WAY I'LL ROOM
WITH A NO-GOOD,
SKUNKY, RATTY, ROTTEN
LAME-OID BOYFRIEND STEALER.
WOULD YOU GET OFF THIS?
HARRY'S A FIRST GRADE KID
WITH A CRUSH ON AN
ATTRACTIVE OLDER WOMAN.
WATCH OUT, MICHELLE.
SHE'S YOUR BEST BUDDY
UNTIL YOU'VE GOT
SOMETHING SHE WANTS.
AND THEN, NOTHING IS SAFE.
MICHELLE, DON'T BELIEVE HER.
YOU CAN TRUST ME.
MY BUNNY.
IT HAD TO HAPPEN.
THE VACUUM CLEANER
FINALLY TURNED ON HIM.
WHY DID YOU WALK
OFF THE COURT TODAY?
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
DON'T GIVE ME THE
VACUUM TREATMENT.
HEY! NEVER PULL MY
PLUG WHEN I'M CLEANING.
NEVER POINT AT ME UNLESS
I HAVE FOOD ON MY FACE.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
FRED. ETHEL.
WILL YOU GUYS LET
A BASKETBALL GAME
DESTROY A 20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP?
WE ONLY BECAME FRIENDS
AFTER I SAVED HIS BUTT ONE DAY.
YOU GOT THAT BACKWARDS, JACK.
I SAVED YOUR BUTT.
EXCUSE ME, BUT IF MY
MEMORY SERVES ME,
IT HAPPENED EXACTLY LIKE THIS.
WE WERE IN THE FIFTH GRADE.
WE'D JUST FINISHED LUNCH.
IT WAS MACARONI AND
CHEESE AND JELL-O CUBES.
WAIT, I TRADED THE
JELL-O FOR SUCCOTASH.
I HATE JELL-O CUBES.
JUST TELL THE STORY.
OK, THE YEAR WAS 1968.
I WAS SITTING IN
FRONT OF THE SCHOOL...
MAKING A BAD START
AT YOUR NEW SCHOOL, JOSEPH.
CLOWNS BELONG IN THE CIRCUS,
NOT IN THE SCHOOLYARD.
UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SUSPENDED,
SIT RIGHT HERE AND
DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE.
HOW'S THAT NOSEBLEED, DANIEL?
CLOTTING NICELY.
THANK YOU, MISS BORLAND.
WHO WANTS A KISS?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DOOFY DANNY GOT A BOO-BOO?
YOU HIT ME WHEN
I WASN'T LOOKING.
YOU'RE LOOKING NOW.
MADE YOU FLINCH.
HEY, I LIKE YOUR HAIR.
THANKS.
WHO CUTS IT, ROTO-ROOTER?
OH, YEAH?
GOOD COMEBACK.
IS THAT YOUR HEAD,
OR DID YOUR NECK BLOW A BUBBLE?
THANK YOU, THANK
YOU. CUT IT OUT.
WHERE DID YOU GET
ALL THOSE GREAT JOKES?
THIS BOOK.
A THOUSAND AND ONE INSULTS.
PRETTY GROOVY, HUH?
HEY! ONE AT A TIME!
THERE'S THE KID WHO
WAS PICKING ON ME.
I'M CALLING YOUR PARENTS.
WAIT, MISS BORLAND.
THAT BOY'S LYING. JOSEPH
HAS BEEN A PERFECT ANGEL.
TANNER'S THE LIAR.
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
DANIEL TANNER'S NEVER
BEEN IN TROUBLE IN HIS LIFE.
LET'S YOU AND I VISIT
THE PRINCIPAL, SHELDON.
SHELDON?
THANKS. YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
YOU SAVED ME FIRST.
WE SAVED EACH OTHER.
THAT MEANS WE'RE SOUL BROTHERS.
TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL,
WE'LL EACH BURY
SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO US.
BURY SOMETHING?
WON'T WE GET DIRTY?
IT'S OK. I'LL BE CAREFUL.
LET'S DO THE SOUL SHAKE.
UNTIL YOU LEARN TO
STOP CHASING THE GIRLS,
JESSE KATSOPOLIS...
YOU'RE GOING TO SIT
RIGHT HERE WITH ME.
HAVE MERCY!
I REMEMBER THAT TEACHER.
I USED TO HAVE FANTASIES
ABOUT MISS BORLAND
DANCING ON LAUGH-IN
WITH "SOCK IT TO ME"
PAINTED ON HER TUMMY.
SORRY.
ANYWAY, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
YOU WERE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.
WERE THERE.
I SHOULD HAVE LET
SHELDON CREAM YOU.
DON'T YOU REALIZE
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?
I WISH I HAD ONE GOOD FRIEND
ALL THESE YEARS.
YOU BURIED SOMETHING.
YOU'RE SOUL BROTHERS.
ALL IN THE PAST.
I'M DIGGING UP THAT BOX.
I DON'T WANT MY STUFF
RESTING WITH YOURS.
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
I WANT MY STUFF, TOO,
AND I FORGOT WHERE IT'S BURIED.
THAT SAYS IT ALL.
MISS BORLAND.
I WONDER IF I STILL
HAVE HER NUMBER.
YOU CAN'T LIVE HERE.
GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM.
NO, THIS IS MY ROOM.
YOU LIVE WITH D.J.
MICHELLE, DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
WHAT A DAY.
HI, STEPH.
HI, HONEY.
YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HERE.
HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.
I ONLY TAUGHT HIM
HOW TO SUBTRACT.
YOU HYPNOTIZED HIM WITH
ORANGES INTO A LOVE TRANCE.
ENOUGH OF THIS.
EVERYBODY INTO MY ROOM.
WE'LL PLAY JUNIOR
LOVE CONNECTION.
I'D RATHER PLAY DIVORCE COURT.
LET'S GO.
MICHELLE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DON'T READ MY MAIL.
THAT'S PERSONAL.
WHAT AM I SAYING?
OK, COME ON, NOW.
GO TO YOUR OWN ROOM.
WHAT ROOM?
WHOOF. FIRST SHE READS MY MAIL,
THEN SHE GIVES ME LIP.
COME ON, GET OUT.
OK. D.J., HARRY, COME HERE.
AS NICELY AS YOU CAN,
TELL HARRY HOW YOU
REALLY FEEL ABOUT HIM.
YOU DON'T HAVE A PRAYER.
NICER, HUH?
LOOK, HARRY, DON'T
BLOW A GOOD THING.
YOU ALREADY HAVE A
GREAT GIRL RIGHT HERE...
STEPHANIE TANNER.
SORRY, CHIEF. FORGIVE ME?
IN YOUR DREAMS.
WHAT HARRY IS TRYING TO SAY IS,
"I'VE MADE A BIG MISTAKE,
"THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.
"COME ON, CHIEF, DON'T
FORGET THE GOOD OLD DAYS...
"KINDERGARTEN...
"PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU,
TAKE ME BACK. TAKE ME BACK."
"OH, HARRY, I FORGIVE YOU."
"OH, I'M SO HAPPY!
SHAKE."
THERE YOU GO.
OK, YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN.
GREAT!
OW. WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
YOU'RE IT!
OOH.
LOVE IS WEIRD.
TRUST ME, BABE. IT
GETS A LOT WEIRDER.
DANNY, YOU DIG SLOWER
THAN YOU PLAY BASKETBALL.
THERE GOES THAT GLACIER AGAIN.
YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER?
HERE, YOU DIG.
OK.
[CLUNK]
I HIT SOMETHING.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
WOW.
THIS IS IT!
OH, MAN!
THAT'S MY OLD GIANTS CAP.
MY VERY FIRST INSULT BOOK.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S THE PLEDGE.
I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THIS.
"THIS IS TO PROVE THAT
ON FEBRUARY 23, 1968,
"WE PLEDGE ON OUR
MOST SACRED POSSESSIONS
"TO BE SOUL BROTHERS FOR LIFE,
"EVEN IF ONE GUY
MOVES REAL FAR AWAY.
"RIGHT ON. GET DOWN. STAY FUNKY.
"SIGNED... DANIEL ERNEST TANNER
AND JOSEPH ALVIN GLADSTONE."
WE HAVE HORRIBLE MIDDLE NAMES.
THE WORST.
BUT WE KEPT THIS
PLEDGE, DIDN'T WE?
IT'S AMAZING.
WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP...
MAN, WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
WE'RE STILL DOING
EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
YEAH, BUT...
JOEY... IT'S NOT THE SAME.
I FEEL REALLY STUPID
SAYING THIS, BUT, UM...
EVER SINCE YOU AND JESSE
BECAME GOOD BUDDIES,
AND NOW YOU'RE PARTNERS...
I DON'T KNOW, I FEEL...
LEFT OUT.
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME?
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO
GET THE WRONG IDEA.
I'M GLAD YOU TWO ARE FRIENDS.
I JUST MISS OUR OLD FRIENDSHIP.
I LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'M HELPING RAISE YOUR GIRLS.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AND ALWAYS
WILL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.
SAYS SO IN THE PLEDGE.
I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE A JERK.
NO. YES, YOU HAVE.
BUT YOU HAD A GOOD REASON.
I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN TAKING
OUR FRIENDSHIP FOR GRANTED.
JUST REMEMBER... NO
MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
WE'RE ALWAYS THERE
FOR EACH OTHER.
LET'S BURY THIS AGAIN,
COME BACK WHEN
WE'RE OLD, AND DIG IT UP.
BY THEN I'LL BE SO SHRIVELED UP
THIS CAP MIGHT FIT ME.
OK. HERE'S MY CAP.
MY BOOK.
THE PLEDGE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
SOMETHING'S MISSING HERE.
I HAD TO STASH THE GIRLS
AND RUSH DOWN HERE
WITH MY BLOW DRYER?
SORRY. WE NEEDED YOUR
MOST PRIZED POSSESSION.
SIGN HERE.
"THIS IS TO PROVE
"THAT DANNY T.,
JOEY G., AND JESSE K.
"ARE OFFICIAL SOUL BROTHERS,
PALS, AND BEST FRIENDS FOREVER."
YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
THIS IS YOUR THING.
NOW IT'S OUR THING.
WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
THANK YOU, GUYS. I'M TOUCHED.
BUT MY BLOW DRYER?
ALL RIGHT.
IF MY HAIR LOOKS
HORRIBLE TOMORROW,
I'M DIGGING THAT UP.
NOW WE DO THE OFFICIAL
SOUL BROTHER HANDSHAKE.
ISN'T THIS A LITTLE SILLY?
WE COULD ALL HUG.
LET'S DO THE SHAKE.
OK, WATCH.
GOES LIKE THIS.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE