Full House (1987–1995): Season 2, Episode 1 - Cutting It Close - full transcript
After an accident, Stephanie is convinced she's a jinx.
MICHELLE, YOU ARE READY.
COME ON DOWN, YOU GUYS.
COME OUT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
HURRY UP. COME ON. COME ON.
LET'S DO THIS NOW.
MICHELLE IS READY
FOR ANOTHER TRY.
OH. OH.
FREEZE.
SHE'LL DO IT TO US AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH HER.
BELIEVE ME, THE KID IS PSYCHED.
WE'LL GIVE HER ONE MORE TRY.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
COME ON.
♪ RING AROUND THE ROSEY ♪
♪ A POCKETFUL OF POSEY ♪
♪ ASHES, ASHES, WE
ALL FALL DOWN ♪♪
SHE DID IT AGAIN.
THE KID'S GOT A
REAL MEAN STREAK.
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO PREDICTABILITY ♪
♪ THE MILKMAN, THE
PAPER BOY, EVENING TV ♪
♪ HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE ♪
♪ THIS OLD WORLD'S
CONFUSIN' ME ♪
♪ CLOUDS AS MEAN
AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ THERE AIN'T A BIRD
WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE ♪
♪ THEN A LITTLE VOICE
INSIDE YOU WHISPERS ♪
♪ KID, DON'T SELL YOUR
DREAMS SO SOON ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A HEART ♪
♪ A HAND TO HOLD ONTO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A FACE ♪
♪ OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ A LIGHT IS WAITIN'
TO CARRY YOU HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ DOOBIE DOO BAH BAH BAH ♪♪
FIRST RULE OF ROCK 'N' ROLL...
NEVER CUT A GUY'S POWER OFF
WHEN HE'S DUCKWALKING.
I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR APPOINTMENT.
WHAT APPOINTMENT WOULD THIS BE?
YOUR HAIRCUT APPOINTMENT
WITH MR. STEPHANIE.
LET'S PLAY BEAUTY PARLOR.
UNCLE JESSE
DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY.
YES, HE DOES.
NO, HE DOESN'T.
YES, HE DOES.
HE DOESN'T.
YES, HE DOES.
STEPHANIE... YOU'RE 6 YEARS OLD.
YOU'RE IN FIRST GRADE.
THIS PHONY CRYING ISN'T
GOING TO WORK ANYMORE.
IT'S NOT?
NO.
I KNEW THIS WOULD
HAPPEN SOMEDAY.
OK, FORGET BEAUTY PARLOR.
AHH.
AHH.
HOW DO YOU PLAY BEAUTY PARLOR?
COME TO MY SALON!
WHY AM I SUCH A SUCKER?
BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME.
SO THAT'S THE REASON.
HEY, SHE'S NOT FINISHED YET.
JOEY IS GOING TO LOOK FABULOUS.
THANK GOODNESS YOU
CAME TO ME WHEN YOU DID.
IF YOU DON'T LOOK
GOOD, I DON'T LOOK GOOD.
JOSEPH, I HAVE TWO
WORDS FOR YOU...
PEARL EARRINGS.
HMM. THOSE WOULD LOOK NICE.
NEXT.
NEXT.
THANK YOU, JOSEPHINA.
TOES UP, OR YOU'LL DRIP.
TOES UP, OR I'LL DRIP.
I GOT IT.
YOU'LL NEED A WEED
WACKER FOR THAT BUSH.
NO, I WON'T.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
THOSE ARE REAL SCISSORS.
YEAH.
ISN'T THIS A PRETEND HAIRCUT?
YEAH.
WHERE ARE THE PRETEND SCISSORS?
MR. STEPHANIE DOES
HAVE OTHER APPOINTMENTS.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
JUST BE VERY
CAREFUL, MR. STEPHANIE.
BECAUSE NOBODY
REALLY CUTS MY HAIR
EXCEPT ALEJANDRO.
SO, HAVE YOU HEARD
WHO MISS PIGGY'S
BEEN DATING LATELY?
WOULD YOU WATCH
THE GIRLS TONIGHT?
I'M PERFORMING MY
ROGER RABBIT IMPRESSION.
JOEY, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
COME ON, JEFF. P-P-PLEASE.
P-P-PRETTY PLEASE.
BE A SPORT. BE A PAL.
I'LL GIVE YOU A BIG WET KISS.
OOPS.
OOPS? WHAT OOPS?
WHAT DOES OOPS MEAN?
BREAKFAST IS READY.
WE'RE HAVING PAN...
CUTS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
WELL...
AHH.
HAVE MERCY.
JESSE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
SHE CUT MY HAIR.
I'VE BEEN BUTCHERED.
TAKE IT EASY. IT'LL GROW BACK.
IT'S JUST HAIR.
YOUR HAIR IS JUST HAIR.
MY HAIR... IS IN HER HAND.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
GIVE ME MY HAIR BACK.
MAYBE ALEJANDRO
CAN SEW IT BACK ON.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO PACK IT IN SOME ICE?
MAYBE WE CAN GET ERIK ESTRADA
TO BE A HAIR DONOR.
ERIK ESTRADA.
I'M SORRY, UNCLE JESSE.
SO AM I.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
STILL SAYING THAT.
STEPHANIE.
I BELIEVE SHE DID THAT.
I'M PUNISHING MYSELF.
SORRY, TOYS. I DON'T
DESERVE TO PLAY WITH YOU.
HERE. TAKE EMILY.
GOODBYE, FUN.
HONEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS.
YES, I DO.
I'M TOO DUMB TO HAVE TOYS.
AND I DON'T DESERVE PILLOWS
OR BLANKETS OR SHEETS, TOO.
STEF, YOU DON'T WANT TO
SLEEP ON YOUR MATTRESS.
YOU'LL GET THOSE BUTTON MARKS
ALL OVER YOUR BACK.
LOOK, UNCLE JESSE KNOWS
YOU DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE,
SO THERE'S NO REASON
FOR YOU TO FEEL BAD.
COME ON.
LET'S GO HAVE BREAKFAST.
I CAN'T LEAVE THE ROOM.
I GROUNDED MYSELF UNTIL I'M 82.
YOU ARE NOT GROUNDED.
I'M YOUR FATHER, AND
I'M ORDERING YOU TO PLAY.
HERE.
DADDY, PLEASE DON'T
MAKE ME HAVE FUN.
I'M SORRY, HONEY,
BUT SOMEDAY WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.
NOW, COME ON... HAVE FUN.
HOT DOG.
MICHELLE, DON'T DO THAT.
MICHELLE, DON'T DO THAT.
MICHELLE... OK!
WHY DON'T WE PLAY A GAME CALLED
"LET'S CLEAN UP OUR MESS."
FIRST WE PUT MR. MAGAZINE
BACK ON MR. COFFEE TABLE.
CAN YOU DO THAT?
VERY GOOD.
AND NOW, WE'LL DO WHAT
DADDY ALWAYS DOES.
WE'RE GOING TO PUT
THEM IN ORDER NEATLY.
WE'LL PUT THE BIGGEST
MAGAZINE ON THE BOTTOM,
THAT WOULD BE ROLLING STONE.
PEOPLE, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED
AND TIME ARE TRICKY.
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME SIZE.
SO WHAT DO WE DO?
WE ALPHABETIZE.
PERFECT. AND THEN ON
THE VERY TOP, SWEETHEART,
GOES THE TV GUIDE.
GO AHEAD, HONEY.
PUT THE TV GUIDE ON TOP.
THE CHILD IS GIFTED.
DANNY, DON'T TURN THIS
SWEET LITTLE INNOCENT GIRL
INTO A COMPULSIVE,
NEUROTIC NUTCASE
LIKE, OH... YOU FOR EXAMPLE.
OK... N-A-P. LET'S GO. NOW.
WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING,
DON'T WRINKLE YOUR PAJAMAS.
DAD, WE FINISHED THE DISHES.
WE STACKED THE SAUCERS
ON THE SALAD PLATES,
AND THE GLASSES
BY COLOR AND SIZE.
GOOD WORK, GIRLS.
I'VE TRIED REALLY
HARD TO HAVE FUN.
NOW CAN I PLEASE
GO BACK TO BEING SAD?
YOU'RE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
IT WAS JUST A LITTLE
CHUNK OF HAIR.
NOT EVEN A CHUNK.
IT WAS A CHUNKETTE.
HI.
COME ON IN, JESSE.
UNCLE JESSE, WHAT HAPPENED?
TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON.
WAIT. WAIT.
OK, WHAT HAPPENED?
I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.
THANKS TO MR. STEPHANIE'S
PRETEND HAIRCUT,
I WAS FORCED TO GET A REAL ONE,
WHICH I HATE.
I HOPPED ON MY HARLEY,
RACED OUT ON THE PARKING LOT.
I WAS TOO UPSET TO SEE THAT SIGN
THAT SAYS "SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE."
I WRECKED MY BIKE.
THE NEXT THING I KNOW,
CONCRETE SLEEVES.
THANKS, RHONDA.
IF YOU NEED A SPONGE
BATH, GIVE ME A CALL.
IF YOU NEED A SPONGE BATH...
YOU LOOK LIKE A SHOWER PERSON.
DOES IT HURT MUCH?
ONLY WHEN I THINK
ABOUT THE NEXT SIX WEEKS.
WHAT WILL I DO WITH
TWO BROKEN ARMS?
YOU CAN SCRATCH
BOWLING OFF THE LIST.
I THINK YOU CAN SCRATCH
SCRATCHING OFF THE LIST.
I'M SORRY, UNCLE JESSE.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
AH, IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT.
JESSE, TELL HER IT'S NOT.
IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT.
NOT A BIG HELP.
LET'S SEE YOUR NEW HAIRCUT.
I DON'T WANT TO.
LET'S CHECK IT OUT.
LEAVE MY HAT ON. JOEY!
SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING.
PRETTY COOL.
DEFINITE POSSIBILITIES.
YOU WENT FROM EDDIE VAN HALEN
TO PEE-WEE VAN HERMAN.
I THINK YOU LOOK HANDSOME.
FORGET THE HAIR.
I'M HAPPY YOU'RE OK.
I'M HAPPY YOU'RE OK, TOO.
OW. OW.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
PLEASE, BE MORE CAREFUL.
I'M FIXING SOME CEREAL.
I'LL GET THE DOOR.
I GOT IT.
BROKEN BONES CAN'T SLOW ME DOWN.
BABY ALERT!
UH, DANNY. WAIT.
WAS THAT A HUNGRY OR A WET CRY?
HUNGRY CRY.
IN THAT CASE, I'LL HELP YOU.
LET'S GO HELP UNCLE JESSE.
I CAN'T EVEN HUG HIM.
STEF!
UNCLE JESSE, I'LL HELP YOU.
I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF
MAKING A SIMPLE BOWL OF CEREAL.
HA HA HA.
IT'S DEAD. YOU CAN EAT IT.
HE'S PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF
MAKING A SIMPLE BOWL OF CEREAL.
LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND.
DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED A HAND?
YOU LOOK GOOD IN A HAT.
JESSE, DON'T MAKE A MESS.
LET'S GET YOU IN A
HIGH CHAIR, MICHELLE.
ATTAGIRL.
KEEP UNCLE JESSE COMPANY.
I'M CHANGING FOR WORK.
YOU MIGHT NEED THIS.
MICHELLE, WATCH YOUR
UNCLE JESSE FOR ME.
WATCH YOUR UNCLE
J. IN ACTION HERE.
WE SIMPLY POUR IN MILK.
PERFECT. NOW WE ADD MY
FAVORITE PART... THE BANANAS,
OR AS YOU CALL THEM, "NANNERS."
AND WE SIMPLY SHAKE.
THIS IS TOO EASY.
NOW WE SLICE AND PEEL...
SLICE AND PEEL, BUT HOW?
I GOT IT. OBSERVE
THIS, MICHELLE.
OBSERVE... THIS.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
ALL RIGHT. NOW. GRAB A SPOON.
AND I'M READY TO ENJOY
A NICE BOWL OF OAT BOATS.
IF YOU LIKED THAT,
YOU'LL LOVE THIS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU NEVER SEEN A GROWN
MAN EAT CEREAL BEFORE?
NOT LIKE A GREAT DANE.
YOU GOT TWO BROKEN ARMS.
LET US HELP YOU.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
IF I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER,
HELP ME, HELP ME.
ALL RIGHT.
MICHELLE, I THINK
YOUR UNCLE NEEDS THIS
MORE THAN YOU DO.
OPEN UP.
♪ HELP, I NEED SOMEBODY ♪
♪ HELP, NOT JUST ANYBODY ♪
♪ HELP, YOU KNOW
I NEED SOMEONE ♪
♪ HELP ♪
♪ WHEN I WAS YOUNGER ♪
♪ SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN TODAY ♪
♪ I NEVER NEEDED
ANYBODY'S HELP IN ANYWAY ♪
♪ WELL, NOW THESE
DAYS ARE GONE ♪
♪ AND I'M NOT SO SELF-ASSURED ♪
♪ AND NOW I FIND I
CHANGED MY MIND ♪
♪ I'VE OPENED UP THE DOOR ♪
♪ HELP ME IF YOU CAN
I'M FEELING DOWN ♪
♪ AND I DO APPRECIATE
YOUR BEING 'ROUND ♪
♪ HELP ME GET MY FEET
BACK ON THE GROUND ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PLEASE,
PLEASE HELP ME ♪
♪ HELP ME ♪
♪ HELP ME, OOH ♪♪
♪ CALLIN' OUT AROUND THE WORLD ♪
NO, SLOWER.
♪ CALLIN' OUT... ♪
FASTER.
♪ CALLIN'... ♪
D.J., THIS IS MUSIC.
STEPHANIE, WHY
DON'T YOU DO THIS?
NO WAY.
ALL YOU DO IS MOPE AROUND.
EVERYBODY'S HELPING BUT YOU.
I CAN'T HELP.
JUST FORGET IT.
I CAN'T PLAY MY MUSIC.
I CAN'T CARE FOR MYSELF.
FORGET IT, GIRLS. ALL RIGHT?
COME WITH ME.
OPEN THE BACK DOOR.
GOT IT.
NOW SLAM IT.
THANK YOU.
DAD, STEPHANIE WON'T
HELP UNCLE JESSE.
STEF, IS THAT TRUE?
I NEVER WANT TO
HURT UNCLE JESS AGAIN.
STEF, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO HURT UNCLE JESSE.
I ONLY SCALPED HIM,
WRECKED HIS MOTORCYCLE,
AND BROKE HIS ARMS.
NO WONDER HE'S SO MAD AT ME.
DEEJ, WHY DON'T
YOU GO TAKE A BREAK?
REALLY? I'M OFF DUTY?
YES, YES, YES!
WHY AM I STILL HERE?
STEF, I CAN SEE
WHERE YOU MIGHT THINK
THAT YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT JINXED.
JINXED? DADDY, I'M
THE KISS OF DEATH.
AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
I'D LEAVE, BUT I CAN'T
REACH THE GATE HOOK.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU
CAN DO ABOUT YOUR ARMS.
YOU CAN DO SOMETHING
ABOUT STEPHANIE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
STEF'S SCARED TO
DEATH TO GO NEAR YOU.
SHE'S AFRAID SHE'LL HURT YOU.
WELL, TELL THE LITTLE
RUG RAT SHE'S WACKO.
YOU TELL THE LITTLE
RUG RAT SHE'S WACKO...
IN MAYBE A LITTLE... NICER WAY.
YOU'RE RIGHT. SEND HER OUT HERE.
THANKS.
HEY, BABE.
HI.
YOU CAN COME CLOSER.
I BETTER NOT.
I'M DANGEROUS.
THAT'S WHY YOU HATE ME.
STEPHANIE JUDITH
TANNER, I DO NOT HATE YOU.
THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING
AND TELLING DADDY TO SLAM DOORS?
WELL, BECAUSE I'M FRUSTRATED.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
I'VE BEEN FEELING
SORRY FOR MYSELF,
AND I'VE BEEN
ACTING LIKE A BABY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO BLAME
YOU. I'M VERY SORRY.
YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME?
NO. YOU MAKE ONE LITTLE MISTAKE.
EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES.
LOOK, I'M AN EXPERT BIKER.
NEVER HAD ONE PROBLEM.
I MISS ONE LITTLE SIGN...
BOOM, I'M THE MUMMY MAN.
HOW MANY PRETEND
HAIRCUTS HAVE YOU GIVEN?
COUNTING YOURS... A MILLION.
YOU'RE AN EXPERT, TOO,
BUT YOU MAKE MISTAKES.
I PROMISE I'M GOING TO
BE AS GOOD AS NEW, OK?
OK.
YOU GET OVER HERE
AND GIVE ME THE
WORLD'S BIGGEST HUG.
LAY IT ON ME, BABY.
WHAT, DO I HAVE THE
COOTIES OR SOMETHING?
COME HERE. SIT ON MY LAP.
EASY. GO AHEAD.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT. NOW...
I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR HELP.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SINCE I CAN'T PLAY MY MUSIC,
I WAS GOING TO WORK
ON SOME LYRICS...
IF YOU'LL WRITE THEM DOWN.
I COULD DO THAT
IF YOU WRITE ABOUT DOG,
CAT, TREE, AND STEPHANIE.
CAN YOU SPELL "BABY?"
B-A-B-Y.
THEN WE HAVE A HIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS?
I GET TO SPEND TIME
WITH MY LITTLE BUDDY.
I'M GLAD YOU BROKE YOUR ARMS.
HEY!
HEY WHAT?
YOUR HUG'S NOT HURTING ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THE
CURSE IS BROKEN.
HAVE MERCY! HAVE MERCY!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, IS MY HAIRCUT BETTER
THAN GARRY SHANDLING'S?
NO.
HOW ABOUT DON KING'S?
NO.
THANKS. I FEEL MUCH BETTER.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK.
LET'S FACE IT. THERE'S
NOT MUCH ELSE I CAN DO.
I'M ALWAYS SAYING THINGS
HAPPEN FOR A REASON.
MAYBE THE REASON
ALL THIS IS HAPPENING
IS BECAUSE IT'S TIME
TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
YOU KNOW ABOUT CHANGES, RIGHT?
EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN 16,
I'VE HAD THE EXACT SAME HAIRCUT,
I'VE RIDDEN THE SAME HARLEY,
I'VE DRESSED THE SAME,
I LISTEN TO THE SAME MUSIC,
GOT THE SAME BORING
JOB KILLING BUGS.
FOR A GUY WHO LIKES
LIVING ON THE EDGE,
I'M LIVING ON THE EDGE OF A RUT.
STARTING NOW, I'M GOING
TO START SHAKING MY LIFE UP.
WHAT? YOU THINK I'M
AFRAID TO CHANGE?
YOU THINK I'M CAUGHT
IN THIS REBEL THING,
AND I REFUSE TO GROW UP.
FROM NOW ON, I'M GOING
TO BE MORE OPEN TO CHANGE.
I'LL START ACTING
LIKE A MATURE ADULT.
JOEY!
I NEED YOU!
AGAIN?
WELL, I HAD FOUR
GLASSES OF ICED TEA.
OK. GO ON.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
COME ON DOWN, YOU GUYS.
COME OUT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
HURRY UP. COME ON. COME ON.
LET'S DO THIS NOW.
MICHELLE IS READY
FOR ANOTHER TRY.
OH. OH.
FREEZE.
SHE'LL DO IT TO US AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH HER.
BELIEVE ME, THE KID IS PSYCHED.
WE'LL GIVE HER ONE MORE TRY.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
COME ON.
♪ RING AROUND THE ROSEY ♪
♪ A POCKETFUL OF POSEY ♪
♪ ASHES, ASHES, WE
ALL FALL DOWN ♪♪
SHE DID IT AGAIN.
THE KID'S GOT A
REAL MEAN STREAK.
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO PREDICTABILITY ♪
♪ THE MILKMAN, THE
PAPER BOY, EVENING TV ♪
♪ HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE ♪
♪ THIS OLD WORLD'S
CONFUSIN' ME ♪
♪ CLOUDS AS MEAN
AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ THERE AIN'T A BIRD
WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE ♪
♪ THEN A LITTLE VOICE
INSIDE YOU WHISPERS ♪
♪ KID, DON'T SELL YOUR
DREAMS SO SOON ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A HEART ♪
♪ A HAND TO HOLD ONTO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A FACE ♪
♪ OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ A LIGHT IS WAITIN'
TO CARRY YOU HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ DOOBIE DOO BAH BAH BAH ♪♪
FIRST RULE OF ROCK 'N' ROLL...
NEVER CUT A GUY'S POWER OFF
WHEN HE'S DUCKWALKING.
I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR APPOINTMENT.
WHAT APPOINTMENT WOULD THIS BE?
YOUR HAIRCUT APPOINTMENT
WITH MR. STEPHANIE.
LET'S PLAY BEAUTY PARLOR.
UNCLE JESSE
DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY.
YES, HE DOES.
NO, HE DOESN'T.
YES, HE DOES.
HE DOESN'T.
YES, HE DOES.
STEPHANIE... YOU'RE 6 YEARS OLD.
YOU'RE IN FIRST GRADE.
THIS PHONY CRYING ISN'T
GOING TO WORK ANYMORE.
IT'S NOT?
NO.
I KNEW THIS WOULD
HAPPEN SOMEDAY.
OK, FORGET BEAUTY PARLOR.
AHH.
AHH.
HOW DO YOU PLAY BEAUTY PARLOR?
COME TO MY SALON!
WHY AM I SUCH A SUCKER?
BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME.
SO THAT'S THE REASON.
HEY, SHE'S NOT FINISHED YET.
JOEY IS GOING TO LOOK FABULOUS.
THANK GOODNESS YOU
CAME TO ME WHEN YOU DID.
IF YOU DON'T LOOK
GOOD, I DON'T LOOK GOOD.
JOSEPH, I HAVE TWO
WORDS FOR YOU...
PEARL EARRINGS.
HMM. THOSE WOULD LOOK NICE.
NEXT.
NEXT.
THANK YOU, JOSEPHINA.
TOES UP, OR YOU'LL DRIP.
TOES UP, OR I'LL DRIP.
I GOT IT.
YOU'LL NEED A WEED
WACKER FOR THAT BUSH.
NO, I WON'T.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
THOSE ARE REAL SCISSORS.
YEAH.
ISN'T THIS A PRETEND HAIRCUT?
YEAH.
WHERE ARE THE PRETEND SCISSORS?
MR. STEPHANIE DOES
HAVE OTHER APPOINTMENTS.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
JUST BE VERY
CAREFUL, MR. STEPHANIE.
BECAUSE NOBODY
REALLY CUTS MY HAIR
EXCEPT ALEJANDRO.
SO, HAVE YOU HEARD
WHO MISS PIGGY'S
BEEN DATING LATELY?
WOULD YOU WATCH
THE GIRLS TONIGHT?
I'M PERFORMING MY
ROGER RABBIT IMPRESSION.
JOEY, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
COME ON, JEFF. P-P-PLEASE.
P-P-PRETTY PLEASE.
BE A SPORT. BE A PAL.
I'LL GIVE YOU A BIG WET KISS.
OOPS.
OOPS? WHAT OOPS?
WHAT DOES OOPS MEAN?
BREAKFAST IS READY.
WE'RE HAVING PAN...
CUTS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
WELL...
AHH.
HAVE MERCY.
JESSE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
SHE CUT MY HAIR.
I'VE BEEN BUTCHERED.
TAKE IT EASY. IT'LL GROW BACK.
IT'S JUST HAIR.
YOUR HAIR IS JUST HAIR.
MY HAIR... IS IN HER HAND.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
GIVE ME MY HAIR BACK.
MAYBE ALEJANDRO
CAN SEW IT BACK ON.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO PACK IT IN SOME ICE?
MAYBE WE CAN GET ERIK ESTRADA
TO BE A HAIR DONOR.
ERIK ESTRADA.
I'M SORRY, UNCLE JESSE.
SO AM I.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
STILL SAYING THAT.
STEPHANIE.
I BELIEVE SHE DID THAT.
I'M PUNISHING MYSELF.
SORRY, TOYS. I DON'T
DESERVE TO PLAY WITH YOU.
HERE. TAKE EMILY.
GOODBYE, FUN.
HONEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS.
YES, I DO.
I'M TOO DUMB TO HAVE TOYS.
AND I DON'T DESERVE PILLOWS
OR BLANKETS OR SHEETS, TOO.
STEF, YOU DON'T WANT TO
SLEEP ON YOUR MATTRESS.
YOU'LL GET THOSE BUTTON MARKS
ALL OVER YOUR BACK.
LOOK, UNCLE JESSE KNOWS
YOU DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE,
SO THERE'S NO REASON
FOR YOU TO FEEL BAD.
COME ON.
LET'S GO HAVE BREAKFAST.
I CAN'T LEAVE THE ROOM.
I GROUNDED MYSELF UNTIL I'M 82.
YOU ARE NOT GROUNDED.
I'M YOUR FATHER, AND
I'M ORDERING YOU TO PLAY.
HERE.
DADDY, PLEASE DON'T
MAKE ME HAVE FUN.
I'M SORRY, HONEY,
BUT SOMEDAY WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.
NOW, COME ON... HAVE FUN.
HOT DOG.
MICHELLE, DON'T DO THAT.
MICHELLE, DON'T DO THAT.
MICHELLE... OK!
WHY DON'T WE PLAY A GAME CALLED
"LET'S CLEAN UP OUR MESS."
FIRST WE PUT MR. MAGAZINE
BACK ON MR. COFFEE TABLE.
CAN YOU DO THAT?
VERY GOOD.
AND NOW, WE'LL DO WHAT
DADDY ALWAYS DOES.
WE'RE GOING TO PUT
THEM IN ORDER NEATLY.
WE'LL PUT THE BIGGEST
MAGAZINE ON THE BOTTOM,
THAT WOULD BE ROLLING STONE.
PEOPLE, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED
AND TIME ARE TRICKY.
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME SIZE.
SO WHAT DO WE DO?
WE ALPHABETIZE.
PERFECT. AND THEN ON
THE VERY TOP, SWEETHEART,
GOES THE TV GUIDE.
GO AHEAD, HONEY.
PUT THE TV GUIDE ON TOP.
THE CHILD IS GIFTED.
DANNY, DON'T TURN THIS
SWEET LITTLE INNOCENT GIRL
INTO A COMPULSIVE,
NEUROTIC NUTCASE
LIKE, OH... YOU FOR EXAMPLE.
OK... N-A-P. LET'S GO. NOW.
WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING,
DON'T WRINKLE YOUR PAJAMAS.
DAD, WE FINISHED THE DISHES.
WE STACKED THE SAUCERS
ON THE SALAD PLATES,
AND THE GLASSES
BY COLOR AND SIZE.
GOOD WORK, GIRLS.
I'VE TRIED REALLY
HARD TO HAVE FUN.
NOW CAN I PLEASE
GO BACK TO BEING SAD?
YOU'RE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
IT WAS JUST A LITTLE
CHUNK OF HAIR.
NOT EVEN A CHUNK.
IT WAS A CHUNKETTE.
HI.
COME ON IN, JESSE.
UNCLE JESSE, WHAT HAPPENED?
TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON.
WAIT. WAIT.
OK, WHAT HAPPENED?
I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.
THANKS TO MR. STEPHANIE'S
PRETEND HAIRCUT,
I WAS FORCED TO GET A REAL ONE,
WHICH I HATE.
I HOPPED ON MY HARLEY,
RACED OUT ON THE PARKING LOT.
I WAS TOO UPSET TO SEE THAT SIGN
THAT SAYS "SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE."
I WRECKED MY BIKE.
THE NEXT THING I KNOW,
CONCRETE SLEEVES.
THANKS, RHONDA.
IF YOU NEED A SPONGE
BATH, GIVE ME A CALL.
IF YOU NEED A SPONGE BATH...
YOU LOOK LIKE A SHOWER PERSON.
DOES IT HURT MUCH?
ONLY WHEN I THINK
ABOUT THE NEXT SIX WEEKS.
WHAT WILL I DO WITH
TWO BROKEN ARMS?
YOU CAN SCRATCH
BOWLING OFF THE LIST.
I THINK YOU CAN SCRATCH
SCRATCHING OFF THE LIST.
I'M SORRY, UNCLE JESSE.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
AH, IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT.
JESSE, TELL HER IT'S NOT.
IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT.
NOT A BIG HELP.
LET'S SEE YOUR NEW HAIRCUT.
I DON'T WANT TO.
LET'S CHECK IT OUT.
LEAVE MY HAT ON. JOEY!
SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING.
PRETTY COOL.
DEFINITE POSSIBILITIES.
YOU WENT FROM EDDIE VAN HALEN
TO PEE-WEE VAN HERMAN.
I THINK YOU LOOK HANDSOME.
FORGET THE HAIR.
I'M HAPPY YOU'RE OK.
I'M HAPPY YOU'RE OK, TOO.
OW. OW.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
PLEASE, BE MORE CAREFUL.
I'M FIXING SOME CEREAL.
I'LL GET THE DOOR.
I GOT IT.
BROKEN BONES CAN'T SLOW ME DOWN.
BABY ALERT!
UH, DANNY. WAIT.
WAS THAT A HUNGRY OR A WET CRY?
HUNGRY CRY.
IN THAT CASE, I'LL HELP YOU.
LET'S GO HELP UNCLE JESSE.
I CAN'T EVEN HUG HIM.
STEF!
UNCLE JESSE, I'LL HELP YOU.
I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF
MAKING A SIMPLE BOWL OF CEREAL.
HA HA HA.
IT'S DEAD. YOU CAN EAT IT.
HE'S PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF
MAKING A SIMPLE BOWL OF CEREAL.
LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND.
DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED A HAND?
YOU LOOK GOOD IN A HAT.
JESSE, DON'T MAKE A MESS.
LET'S GET YOU IN A
HIGH CHAIR, MICHELLE.
ATTAGIRL.
KEEP UNCLE JESSE COMPANY.
I'M CHANGING FOR WORK.
YOU MIGHT NEED THIS.
MICHELLE, WATCH YOUR
UNCLE JESSE FOR ME.
WATCH YOUR UNCLE
J. IN ACTION HERE.
WE SIMPLY POUR IN MILK.
PERFECT. NOW WE ADD MY
FAVORITE PART... THE BANANAS,
OR AS YOU CALL THEM, "NANNERS."
AND WE SIMPLY SHAKE.
THIS IS TOO EASY.
NOW WE SLICE AND PEEL...
SLICE AND PEEL, BUT HOW?
I GOT IT. OBSERVE
THIS, MICHELLE.
OBSERVE... THIS.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
ALL RIGHT. NOW. GRAB A SPOON.
AND I'M READY TO ENJOY
A NICE BOWL OF OAT BOATS.
IF YOU LIKED THAT,
YOU'LL LOVE THIS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU NEVER SEEN A GROWN
MAN EAT CEREAL BEFORE?
NOT LIKE A GREAT DANE.
YOU GOT TWO BROKEN ARMS.
LET US HELP YOU.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
IF I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER,
HELP ME, HELP ME.
ALL RIGHT.
MICHELLE, I THINK
YOUR UNCLE NEEDS THIS
MORE THAN YOU DO.
OPEN UP.
♪ HELP, I NEED SOMEBODY ♪
♪ HELP, NOT JUST ANYBODY ♪
♪ HELP, YOU KNOW
I NEED SOMEONE ♪
♪ HELP ♪
♪ WHEN I WAS YOUNGER ♪
♪ SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN TODAY ♪
♪ I NEVER NEEDED
ANYBODY'S HELP IN ANYWAY ♪
♪ WELL, NOW THESE
DAYS ARE GONE ♪
♪ AND I'M NOT SO SELF-ASSURED ♪
♪ AND NOW I FIND I
CHANGED MY MIND ♪
♪ I'VE OPENED UP THE DOOR ♪
♪ HELP ME IF YOU CAN
I'M FEELING DOWN ♪
♪ AND I DO APPRECIATE
YOUR BEING 'ROUND ♪
♪ HELP ME GET MY FEET
BACK ON THE GROUND ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PLEASE,
PLEASE HELP ME ♪
♪ HELP ME ♪
♪ HELP ME, OOH ♪♪
♪ CALLIN' OUT AROUND THE WORLD ♪
NO, SLOWER.
♪ CALLIN' OUT... ♪
FASTER.
♪ CALLIN'... ♪
D.J., THIS IS MUSIC.
STEPHANIE, WHY
DON'T YOU DO THIS?
NO WAY.
ALL YOU DO IS MOPE AROUND.
EVERYBODY'S HELPING BUT YOU.
I CAN'T HELP.
JUST FORGET IT.
I CAN'T PLAY MY MUSIC.
I CAN'T CARE FOR MYSELF.
FORGET IT, GIRLS. ALL RIGHT?
COME WITH ME.
OPEN THE BACK DOOR.
GOT IT.
NOW SLAM IT.
THANK YOU.
DAD, STEPHANIE WON'T
HELP UNCLE JESSE.
STEF, IS THAT TRUE?
I NEVER WANT TO
HURT UNCLE JESS AGAIN.
STEF, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO HURT UNCLE JESSE.
I ONLY SCALPED HIM,
WRECKED HIS MOTORCYCLE,
AND BROKE HIS ARMS.
NO WONDER HE'S SO MAD AT ME.
DEEJ, WHY DON'T
YOU GO TAKE A BREAK?
REALLY? I'M OFF DUTY?
YES, YES, YES!
WHY AM I STILL HERE?
STEF, I CAN SEE
WHERE YOU MIGHT THINK
THAT YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT JINXED.
JINXED? DADDY, I'M
THE KISS OF DEATH.
AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
I'D LEAVE, BUT I CAN'T
REACH THE GATE HOOK.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU
CAN DO ABOUT YOUR ARMS.
YOU CAN DO SOMETHING
ABOUT STEPHANIE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
STEF'S SCARED TO
DEATH TO GO NEAR YOU.
SHE'S AFRAID SHE'LL HURT YOU.
WELL, TELL THE LITTLE
RUG RAT SHE'S WACKO.
YOU TELL THE LITTLE
RUG RAT SHE'S WACKO...
IN MAYBE A LITTLE... NICER WAY.
YOU'RE RIGHT. SEND HER OUT HERE.
THANKS.
HEY, BABE.
HI.
YOU CAN COME CLOSER.
I BETTER NOT.
I'M DANGEROUS.
THAT'S WHY YOU HATE ME.
STEPHANIE JUDITH
TANNER, I DO NOT HATE YOU.
THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING
AND TELLING DADDY TO SLAM DOORS?
WELL, BECAUSE I'M FRUSTRATED.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
I'VE BEEN FEELING
SORRY FOR MYSELF,
AND I'VE BEEN
ACTING LIKE A BABY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO BLAME
YOU. I'M VERY SORRY.
YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME?
NO. YOU MAKE ONE LITTLE MISTAKE.
EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES.
LOOK, I'M AN EXPERT BIKER.
NEVER HAD ONE PROBLEM.
I MISS ONE LITTLE SIGN...
BOOM, I'M THE MUMMY MAN.
HOW MANY PRETEND
HAIRCUTS HAVE YOU GIVEN?
COUNTING YOURS... A MILLION.
YOU'RE AN EXPERT, TOO,
BUT YOU MAKE MISTAKES.
I PROMISE I'M GOING TO
BE AS GOOD AS NEW, OK?
OK.
YOU GET OVER HERE
AND GIVE ME THE
WORLD'S BIGGEST HUG.
LAY IT ON ME, BABY.
WHAT, DO I HAVE THE
COOTIES OR SOMETHING?
COME HERE. SIT ON MY LAP.
EASY. GO AHEAD.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT. NOW...
I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR HELP.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SINCE I CAN'T PLAY MY MUSIC,
I WAS GOING TO WORK
ON SOME LYRICS...
IF YOU'LL WRITE THEM DOWN.
I COULD DO THAT
IF YOU WRITE ABOUT DOG,
CAT, TREE, AND STEPHANIE.
CAN YOU SPELL "BABY?"
B-A-B-Y.
THEN WE HAVE A HIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS?
I GET TO SPEND TIME
WITH MY LITTLE BUDDY.
I'M GLAD YOU BROKE YOUR ARMS.
HEY!
HEY WHAT?
YOUR HUG'S NOT HURTING ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THE
CURSE IS BROKEN.
HAVE MERCY! HAVE MERCY!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, IS MY HAIRCUT BETTER
THAN GARRY SHANDLING'S?
NO.
HOW ABOUT DON KING'S?
NO.
THANKS. I FEEL MUCH BETTER.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK.
LET'S FACE IT. THERE'S
NOT MUCH ELSE I CAN DO.
I'M ALWAYS SAYING THINGS
HAPPEN FOR A REASON.
MAYBE THE REASON
ALL THIS IS HAPPENING
IS BECAUSE IT'S TIME
TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
YOU KNOW ABOUT CHANGES, RIGHT?
EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN 16,
I'VE HAD THE EXACT SAME HAIRCUT,
I'VE RIDDEN THE SAME HARLEY,
I'VE DRESSED THE SAME,
I LISTEN TO THE SAME MUSIC,
GOT THE SAME BORING
JOB KILLING BUGS.
FOR A GUY WHO LIKES
LIVING ON THE EDGE,
I'M LIVING ON THE EDGE OF A RUT.
STARTING NOW, I'M GOING
TO START SHAKING MY LIFE UP.
WHAT? YOU THINK I'M
AFRAID TO CHANGE?
YOU THINK I'M CAUGHT
IN THIS REBEL THING,
AND I REFUSE TO GROW UP.
FROM NOW ON, I'M GOING
TO BE MORE OPEN TO CHANGE.
I'LL START ACTING
LIKE A MATURE ADULT.
JOEY!
I NEED YOU!
AGAIN?
WELL, I HAD FOUR
GLASSES OF ICED TEA.
OK. GO ON.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE